Parting

Slowly over the next year or so, the strained boyish friendships mended and fused, until once again the class of youkai blooded children could be called a cohesive group who looked after each other. Even Xing-fu had knuckled down and eventually come to be fully accepting and accepted again, as he had finally come to realise Inuyasha was not a threat or hindrance to him. It had taken a while for the panda cub to stop being wary and suspicious of the hanyou, looking out for his hidden agenda, but finally he understood that Inuyasha held no grudges nor required protracted reparation for the wrongs he'd suffered.

Once that was out of the way, the friendship which had started reluctantly became genuine, much to the relief of all the adults in their lives. But one day towards the end of spring, Inuyasha found he was left all alone with his mother at the farm for an early 'holiday'. His fellow pupils however remained at school; although the boy didn't know this at the time. Not that Inuyasha minded being at home on the farm; it just seemed strange that no one else was around.

Izayoi explained that Makoto had gone to help Yuri and the others with their farms; the planting season was always so busy. Inuyasha jumped up and down wanting to go and help too, he loved the farm seasons and enjoyed the feel of the damp earth squelching between his toes; besides, there was always plenty of food to keep everyone's energy high. He was good too at running; fetching and carrying anything that anyone needed, and the atmosphere was happy with songs and stories sung and told. But this time Izayoi said no, she wanted him to stay and keep her company.

Inuyasha was surprised, normally Mama went to help with all the others and her baking was second to none...although Kaoru did make the most lovely honey cakes. But at his look of bafflement, Izayoi smiled and told him she had baked especially for just the two of them; as she hoped, his attention was then transferred to the treats on the table. His Mama watched as Inuyasha tucked into his lunch, wishing that they could stay that way forever but it was not to be.

Earlier in the week Inu no Taishou had been to see her; he had been disturbed by a report from Izayoi's guard regarding the health of his ward. Unfortunately the guard's concerns had been well founded and Izayoi's scent had changed, her mortality was now obvious and it was only a matter of days before she would succumb to her final sleep. To be honest it was not quite the shock to her as he had supposed; Izayoi had been tired and worn and rest was no longer refreshing and for some time there had been pain in her chest and she been almost crippled at times with a racking cough.

For the first time Inu no Taishou apologised for her state of health, blaming himself for his lack of control nearly fifty years before; but Izayoi stopped him. She would never ever regret becoming pregnant with her first born and she didn't want his father to do so either. Of course Inu no Taishou said that he couldn't regret Inuyasha's existence, the pup was far too precious to them for that and Izayoi agreed; her only sadness was that she would be leaving him so soon.

Inu no Taishou reassured her that Inuyasha would be well cared for and loved, he would want for nothing in her absence; and Izayoi believed him. He also promised that when the time came, she would have the best care, which she had always had in any case; his best physicians had always been at her service. Izayoi's only request was that she was to have Inuyasha to herself, so that she could speak with him and prepare him as best she could. Inu no Taishou had agreed and when she spoke with her husband and the rest of her offspring, they understood; even in their own grief they recognised Inuyasha's need.

Izayoi had prepared well in advance for this time; she always knew that her life would run out before her eldest child reached puberty. She'd gone over the words, ideas and thoughts in her mind often, just so that she could say and act appropriately and to encourage her little son. But now finally faced with the time and her child so happily grinning up at her, his face covered in honey, her preparations flew out of the window. The words left her; her strength, so desperately needed at this time failed her and her courage melted away. What could she say to make this any easier on both of them? The answer was glaringly obvious, nothing was going to make this easy; but it had to be done.

After lunch Izayoi and Inuyasha played games and remembered the early days when it was just she and him, when Sesshoumaru was acting Lord in his father's absence. Inuyasha's recall was very fuzzy and he remembered feelings and atmosphere more than actual happenings; but it was surprising how quickly the pair fell into the old ways. Did Inuyasha remember learning his letters and numbers and nursery songs with her at the Palace? He thought he did, he would, if it would please her. Izayoi cuddled her son close, he was now well fed and enough time had passed that he wouldn't be sick; it was time.

"Are you happy at the Palace Inuyasha? Your Papa said you have been given a bigger room because you have so many toys..."

"It's really nice Mama, but it's not just for me only; it's so's my friends can play with me when they have to stay on our days off. Sometimes I even let Michiko in; as long as she doesn't bring all her dolls."

"You don't let your sister in with her dolls?"

"She brings so many and wants us to always play with her and them."

"I didn't think you minded playing with her."

"Not when my friends are there and she wants to only play dolls."

"Poor Michiko, she doesn't have any sisters to play with."

"There are lots of girls; she plays with the Palace children and Aunty."

"I'm surprised she didn't want to go to school with all of you."

"She didn't want to stay away from home; but Aunty says she has to start with a proper tutor soon."

"Well I'm glad you're happy...it makes what I have to say easier for me." Izayoi whispered and Inuyasha picked up on her reluctance.

"Papa says just spit it out if I'm not sure what to say...you're not cross with me are you, you're not going to tell me off?" Inuyasha's ears drooped and Izayoi was quick to reassure him that he was not in trouble. But she didn't know how to broach the terrible subject looming over her head; she had thought to be quite matter of fact, just telling him the cold facts of human life, but what had looked alright on paper was nothing appropriate for the living breathing child.

"Your Aunty is a very kind lady isn't she? She is going to do something very important for me soon and I want you...I want you to...you must be good for her Inuyasha, do you understand?"

"What must I do Mama?" Inuyasha was getting nervous, he could scent salt in the air and although there were no tears, he knew Mama was upset.

"I have to go away soon my darling boy...I don't want to go, but there is nothing anyone can do..."

"Go where? Where are we going?" Inuyasha interrupted her, his voice quite high as his instincts tried to warn him of what his mother meant. His youkai already understood on some level, he had recognised the changed scent and knew he'd encountered it before.

"Oh Inuyasha, My Little Love, you won't be coming with me; you will be staying with Papa and Aunty...my...my life has nearly finished, I will go like Hanako."

"No, no, no, no, Mama; you aren't sick like Hana. Don't say it Mama please."

"Inuyasha you have seen creatures who have reached the end of their time before; humans just don't live as long as youkai."

"You want to leave me...you want to go away and leave me." Inuyasha wailed and Izayoi almost shook him.

"Of course not you silly boy; I don't want to leave you, but it's not up to me. My body is worn out and it doesn't matter what I want...I am tired and..."

"Papa's got Tenseiga, he'll fix you..."

"Tenseiga only works once and he has already used it on me; the night you were born, remember? You know the story."

"I forgot about Tenseiga...Mama no, you just need to rest." He said desperately and Izayoi knew she had to give Inuyasha the last bit of advice she could while she knew he was listening.

"Inuyasha, I want you to promise me something...your Aunty wants you very much, she loves you already as if you were her son and I want you to...to...to have her as your Mama from now on."

"But you're my Mama, no one else...I don't want no one else."An edge of panic crept into the boy's voice.

"I know Baby, but I have to do this, I need to know you will be safe and happy. You must promise me you will do this for me. Please Inuyasha, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I don't want to think of anyone else as your Mama, but she wants you very much and I need to know you will be cared for."

"I prooooomise Mama; I prooomise." And Inuyasha promptly burst into tears which Izayoi was unable to comfort, as she needed the same comfort herself. But she soon remembered that she was a mother still and her child needed her, now was not the time for self indulgence and she rocked Inuyasha gently; humming a lullaby until he calmed down. He sniffled for a while and then looked into her face and was reassured by the calm expression he was so used to. It cost Izayoi a great deal to seem normal again, but it was required; she didn't want her precious son to be overly miserable for the time she had left.

By an unspoken mutual agreement, nothing further was said until bedtime, when Inuyasha asked his mother to stay with him. Izayoi didn't answer with words but lay down beside him and covered them both with a blanket. She didn't smile this time when his little nose crinkled up, as he unconsciously noted her changed scent; but she told him more stories and sung more songs, as he clung tightly to her, not willing to let her go as he eventually went to sleep. As Izayoi watched her precious son dream, her thoughts turned bitter and angry. She did not want to die, she would miss Inuyasha terribly; in fact, she already did.

She stroked his puppy ears and ran her hand through his hair which soothed her boy; why should her lifespan be so short in comparison to his? She didn't want to hand him over like some parcel to another female, a youkai who had remained beautiful and youthful, and hovered in the background like some vulture awaiting her rival's death, so that she could carry off the child. Inuyasha was Izayoi's, it was she that held him now, it was she who could feel his heartbeat beneath her hand, it was she that he clung to in his sleep; no one else could love or understand him like she did, she was his mother.

And the thought that he might one day call another 'Mama' in her place, was too awful to contemplate; yet she knew in her heart that it would be best for Inuyasha if he could completely accept The Lady. Izayoi's anger grew and yet she was most contained and didn't disturb her son's rest, her anger was better than the tears which were the alternative. If only she could have been dispassionate; told the child not to be silly and her time had come as all humans' did. Perhaps it wouldn't be so hard on Inuyasha if she just handed him over to her rival.

Izayoi was brought up a princess; she'd had lessons drummed into her from an early age about how to be demure, decorous and to keep her feelings to herself. Surely that would be best, if Inuyasha didn't realise how much it pained her to leave him, perhaps he would accept the inevitable more easily. But the thought passed quickly, even though she knew she could fool him, she would not have him think for one second, the lie that she had no regrets; he would think that she no longer wanted him.

She no longer cared if that made her selfish in her grief, she wanted her son to know just how much she was going to miss him and make sure that in his long life to come, he never once worried that she was pleased to leave him. Izayoi stroked his head once again, she was so tired, but she would fight sleep with all her might, she had no desire to waste the time she had left. As she thought about the rest of her family she knew that she would be missed by them all, but they also had one another. Makoto would never be left alone for long and she was thankful that even though having more children had shortened her life, they would be there for him.

In the morning Izayoi was tired but she had a smile for her son which reassured him that he had imagined at least a part of what she'd said. When she made breakfast and sang quite cheerfully, his own spirits rose and he devoured his food and went out to play while she watched him from the veranda. During the day the rest of the family came by in dribs and drabs but nothing more was said in Inuyasha's hearing.

After a week or so where each day passed in much the same vein as every other, one morning Izayoi could no longer get out of bed and Inuyasha who had put her words to the back of his mind found them staring him in the face. He pleaded with her to get up, even pushing at her before Makoto called him to leave her alone. Izayoi turned her head to the pup and smiled;

"I cannot get up today my baby, but you can bring me my breakfast, Chouko has made some stewed rice, I can smell it. Perhaps you could ask her to put some plum sauce in it for me." She sighed as he left and reached for Makoto's hand.

"Izayoi...I..." Makoto could get no further and she just said:

"I know...I love you..." She whispered.

"I have always loved you...ever since I first saw you in the garden with the pup...you are my light." Makoto's face was haggard; he didn't need heightened senses to know that Izayoi was fading. She had been his sole reason for life at one point and had given him his children; his heart was breaking now to know that she would soon be gone. There were no more words that needed to be said really between these two, who were fortunate in that they had found their soul mates in each other.

Izayoi didn't want a death bed scene with all the relatives; she just had her children with her for the rest of the day. The grandchildren of course popped in, but in the main it was just the immediate family when Izayoi slipped away. No one begrudged Inuyasha his place in her arms at the end, the elder and yet youngest child bewildered at what was happening and not accepting fully that he would no longer see her again. He heard her final words of regret and love for him at her passing and knew that his mother didn't want to go.

Inuyasha alerted them to the fact that their beloved Izayoi no longer breathed as he pushed his face next to hers and snuffled at her cheek before looking round at Makoto with big scared eyes. Before he could push her body again though, Yori picked him up and held him while Makoto bowed his head and one by one they all said their goodbyes.

IYQ Community; July 2009

Week 2: Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. - William Faulkner