HICHB79

Adolescent Angst

A/N Sorry it is late, I've had on going computer problems.

There was no fanfare of trumpets and no fireworks lit the sky to celebrate the momentous occasion; Sesshoumaru didn't stare in surprise and neither did Inuyasha glance up to see how Mama accepted her title from him. The truth was that neither boy realised the significance of what had transpired; for many years all had known and been unconcerned that Inuyasha had accepted the Lady as his mother in his heart. He answered her summons in the same way the others did, if she asked for her children; but she and her Lord knew the difference; this was the first time that he had called her 'Mama' personally and to her face.

So, taking their cue from their sons, the Lord and Lady just hugged both of them once more before sending them on their business. When they had gone, Inu no Taishou came and put his arms around his mate, he understood her emotion because he had known and loved her for many years, and he knew that the sometimes seemingly distant and sarcastically cool woman was a devoted mother. But like the actual animal version of the Inu spirits, she was the epitome of a good Inu bitch, in her desire of being a true mama to a motherless child.

The Lady rejoiced that finally her lost son had come home to her. Her compelling canine instincts had been telling her that Inuyasha was her own ever since he'd been born; viewing Izayoi as only his human 'foster' mother, and she'd waited impatiently until long after his emotional ties to his beloved human siblings had waned for this very moment. However her youkai instincts were wise and she knew she would never say this aloud to her son who wouldn't understand her reasoning, at least not yet. But this did not prevent her from bustling about and sending her servants into a frenzy as she called for an impromptu celebration, with a glorious feast for the evening. Not content with that, she also commissioned a new royal tapestry showing her and Inu no Taishou with all of their pups.

The picture had been designed long ago in her mind and now she could instructs the artists how she wanted it to appear; semi formal but obviously family, her children surrounding the parents and with the mother's hand gracing the shoulder of her second son. When questioned about the sudden banquet and portrait by Sesshoumaru, she explained that she'd felt dull and wanted some excitement; besides which she felt it would be nice to just be family and give the Palace inhabitants the time off to enjoy themselves, considering how hard they worked.

Over the coming months, Inuyasha didn't shy away from his new Mama as if he'd made a mistake; the opposite was true, he felt more like he belonged than he'd ever done before, although once again these were subconscious decisions and feelings. Unfortunately changes were inevitable and Inuyasha's insular world of family and friends was growing faster than he would have liked and he was reminded often that he was only completely accepted for who he was, by those he had known for most of his life.

For one thing, Sesshoumaru frequently had groups of his friends around and entertained them in his own suite of rooms. At one time, Inuyasha had been the only one of his siblings so far to be permitted to enter this private sanctuary without invite, but now he too had to make an appointment if his brother was ensconced within. He didn't understand until Sesshoumaru told him that he didn't want Inuyasha getting upset by his friends and he didn't want his friends not to be able to speak how they wished.

On appeal to their father, Inuyasha was told that Sesshoumaru was entitled to have his guests and no they weren't talking about Inuyasha all of the time, if at all, it was just that the older boy didn't want any further misunderstandings if the youngster was mentioned, that's all. It made Inuyasha sad which he translated now into anger; he hardly saw Shu much anymore; it seemed that the age gap between them had lengthened immeasurably and he was now considered in the same bracket as his younger siblings.

To some extent this was true. Sesshoumaru did find his hanyou brother quite childish at times and he enjoyed the company of his peers. They were witty and charming, elegant, and the girls especially had an allure that was enchanting. The soft jokes and quiet speech and gentle laughter was far more enticing than the voices of pups all of the time. Sesshoumaru enjoyed his times with his friends; they could all speak on far ranging and important topics pertaining to the various kingdoms and principalities of which they were heirs or listen to music and singing, even watch the girls when they deigned to entertain with dance.

Inuyasha of course was not convinced that everyone was not talking about him; a fact not helped by the number of times he interrupted Sesshoumaru's gatherings whether in his brother's rooms or if the friends were walking in the grounds. Of course when this happened, Inuyasha brought himself to the attention of all present and when he'd gone, the youkai would talk about him, to most of them, hanyou were a rare sight. Sesshoumaru would then have to spend time answering questions, some of which Inuyasha overheard as he deliberately loitered nearby; it could be a vicious circle.

To be fair to Sesshoumaru he always answered questions as positively as he was able. Steering clear of mentioning his sensitive brother, he would extol the virtues of Inuyasha's friends. Although they were young, the two large and strong hanyou also had other gifts; Gyuoh was a clever scholar and philosopher and was shaping up to be a highly respectable advisor. Whereas the very gentle Jinenji used his skills for growing herbs and developing his herb lore to heal; which was the most useful skill he could cultivate for a Palace that was full of various and different youkai. Of course Shiori was far too young yet for them to know what she would be like when her powers came in.

But no matter how hard he was pushed, Sesshoumaru would not speak of Inuyasha, he didn't want to risk upsetting his brother in any way and all he would acknowledge was that the boy was his brother and not a subject for conjecture. However the older brother couldn't win; his lack of praise for Inuyasha made the boy feel that perhaps he wasn't considered as valuable an asset as his other hanyou friends. Another time he heard the group surrounding his brother discussing the lack of grace and beauty of the hanyou they had come to know. True, one of the females had berated the male who mentioned that hanyou were downright ugly, calling him shallow and that physical looks were not as important as the other qualities, but the observation stung.

Inuyasha knew that he should not be eavesdropping, but adolescent paranoia had Inuyasha's vulnerable human heart firmly in its grasp. But mindful of his father's words, Inuyasha remembered to try and not to take things too personally and he buried any perceived slight deep. After all, nothing any of Sesshoumaru's friends had said had hurt as much as his human relatives' words and deeds had done at times when he was much younger; however Inuyasha was no different to anyone else in that he wanted to be liked and accepted.

Unfortunately the words and impressions would not stay away and would intrude forcefully during times when Inuyasha was alone; for instance when he was supposed to be doing his homework or his chores around the farm. Over time he found his originally disparate thoughts coalesced into worry leaving his self-confidence badly battered. This was a new thing for Inuyasha, he had never doubted his own worth before and he responded to it by becoming a nuisance at times.

But for the rest of the time Inuyasha was able to forget and he was his normal cheerful self, although he had less patience in his schoolwork than previously, much to The Tiger's annoyance. Some of the boy's increasingly cocky answers and attitudes were less endearing than others especially as his younger brothers were likely to emulate him. Eventually Inu no Taishou had had to be informed and had ensured that the boy knuckled down…for a few weeks at least. But it didn't last, Inuyasha got louder and brasher, although underneath the exterior cover, the pup was getting less and less secure.

Oh, he knew he was a genuinely loved and very much wanted child; neither of his Mamas had had to keep or accept him and fuss over him as they both had done. Now he was older he understood more the circumstances surrounding his procreation and subsequent different families, He knew he was under the protection of his father, who also clearly loved him and was the most powerful being of the time. His siblings too, youkai and human had treated him the same as they did their full brothers and sisters. So why did a few overheard words and ideas spoken by those who didn't matter to him and didn't know he was listening, have such impact on his impressionable psyche.

Did it matter that hanyou were considered ugly creatures because of their semi transformed features? He never took any notice of how Jinenji and Gyuoh looked; he just thought of them as his friends, besides full youkai came in all shapes and sizes and not all of them looked attractive. It made him sad though that a little creature like Shiori would be considered a monster by anyone who didn't know her; he thought the baby was pretty with her white hair and vibrant violet eyes. Shiori looked youkai at least, for instance she didn't have huge ears sticking out of her head as he did; and he was thankful for that, only the scent of her blood and not her looks would give her away.

Nothing relieved Inuyasha of the waves of despondency that would often assail him; he stayed convinced that anytime Sesshoumaru and his friends got together they were talking about him and the other hanyou. If any waved or smiled at him, Inuyasha was sure that they were hypocritically judging and condemning him to his brother. It didn't matter that Inu no Taishou had spoken to him about the matter saying that his brother and his friends did not spend their valuable time dwelling on either the merits or so called demerits of hanyou.

Inuyasha's parents hoped it would all blow over, they remembered their eldest in his mid-adolescence and although the boys were different, Sesshoumaru had always felt he was being spied on at the same age. But it had never bothered the older boy; he had just assumed it was part of being the heir to the West and it was not long after that he had been left in charge for a year. Inuyasha though did not have the same quiet assured confidence of his older brother and like it or not, the father had to admit the pup had reasons in his past to be wary.

Over the next few years Inuyasha did seem to be less irritated and more settled and everyone hoped that he had matured enough to realise that not everything was set against him. In a way he had done, his youkai was calmer but his human heart was still unsure, even feeling neglected at times; but he hid his uncertainty well, even while wishing with a pang that he still had Cho or in this case the gentle Sora to speak with. Sora's personality was more in harmony with Inuyasha's male humanity than his older human brother Yori; he surely would have understood the tempestuous heart that beat sometimes in Inuyasha's breast.

As it was there was nobody that Inuyasha felt he could really talk to; none of the youkai could fully empathise and he didn't know his friends' mothers well enough; nor did he want to burden them. And he wasn't old enough yet to be comfortable talking to his mates about his feelings, besides his situation was unique as Jinenji and Gyuoh were only children, doted on by their parents. So he swallowed his frustrations as best he could and didn't fuss when his younger siblings were now allowed to stay and visit when invited to new acquaintances homes, while he was pointedly ignored. Nor did he seem to care when he was compared to Shiori who was now toddling around; many had commented on the likeness of the two, especially when the little girl shadowed her new idol around the farm.

But deep down he knew he wasn't being treated fairly by outsiders and he wasn't happy to be likened to a little powerless girl. He was a young hanyou now of his mid adolescence; not much younger than his brother was when handed great responsibility; yet he knew his own special abilities were few in comparison to his youkai siblings and he felt jealous and inadequate. This was highlighted on two occasions especially; one day when he was idly wandering down the passageway he paused to look at the portraits on the walls. The first was the one that was emblematic of the tie between the human and youkai family with Inuyasha in the centre. The second was the more recent one commissioned by The Lady, after Inuyasha had acknowledged her as Mama for the first time.

There were no humans in this picture, only the royal family; and the contrast between Inuyasha and the rest was staggering to his eyes. There was no doubt that he was stunted and ugly in comparison to the beautiful elegant youkai who were the cream of youkai anywhere. His human blood was evident in the shorter stature, even Michiko his sister was taller than he was, sure he was still growing while she probably wouldn't grow much more, but there it was for posterity, all his younger siblings were a good two inches taller than he. She even looked older than him, and was very like her mother, in fact they all looked older than him; their faces already refined and marked so beautifully, whereas his was plain, unadorned and still rounded like a human child's.

Inuyasha covered up his face on the picture and just gazed upon the rest of the family, the artist had captured them all perfectly, and therefore he knew that his own portrait was just as accurate. So he looked again and noticed that his skin was a darker shade than the rest, his hair was not quite the silver blue and had a wilder, bushier appearance. Then to top it all, he didn't have the marvellous tail of everyone else, instead he had those stupid ears that stood perched on his head and were as large as sails. It just wasn't fair, why couldn't he have had the neat pointed ones of everyone else, even Shiori didn't have ears on her head that swivelled at the least sound and she was half bat, they should have been even bigger than his. At this thought, Inuyasha berated himself, it wasn't right to wish Shiori was any different, it was much better for her that she didn't have bat ears with which to contend.

The second time the vast differences between him and his family was made apparent to Inuyasha was when Ryou, the youngest pup transformed, the sure start of his adolescence. As was custom the whole family joined in the celebration and took to the skies in their own natural forms. Inuyasha too was there, borne aloft on the faithful Shinju, but kept well out of harm's way by her as the rest tumbled around and battled in mock fights of snarling joy, making the skies roar with a thunderous sound. Inuyasha could only watch them; he knew that should he attempt to join in, even on Shinju, the others' natural instincts would be curbed so that he wouldn't be harmed, and that would not be fair to Ryou.

Inuyasha hated being unable to transform the most, he would never know the unbounded freedom of the natural Inu youkai and he hated being treated as weak or breakable and yet it was always the same, even when he trained hard he was never pushed to the same limits as even Ryou. He was not ashamed of his human family and even though the ones that mattered had been dead for many years, they were still very much alive in his heart and mind; but they were no longer around to influence him. His humanity was just a frailty he could do without and not for the first time he truly wished that he was full youkai and properly a part of his surviving family only; he was beginning to hate his duality.

The final straw though as far as Inuyasha was concerned was when he once again overheard his brother and his friends talking. This time was purely by accident, but the subject of mating was being discussed by the group and they were outside having a picnic. The sniggering and giggling caught the pup's attention and he stayed to listen, especially when he could scent Sesshoumaru's embarrassment. It was apparent that it was his older brother who was the centre of the discussion and the attention, Inuyasha could pick up on the fact that he was annoyed and that the joke had gone stale.

Unfortunately so could the others and it was grist to the mill; it was not easy to get the usually unflappable Sesshoumaru to lose his cool. There was a great deal of laughing at the young Taiyoukai's expense; they had all attended a large ball during the previous days and were now resting from their exertions and discussing all their 'conquests'. During the course of the ball, a human princess had made it quite obvious that she had been smitten by the tall silver haired prince. In point of fact she had made herself a nuisance, managing to haunt his steps all evening.

Although they knew of course that the ice prince had no interest in the human beauty, his friends were free with their speculations which were in truth good natured, Sesshoumaru conceded, but they were totally boring. However nothing he said could change the subject and eventually his control snapped;

"As if This Sesshoumaru would mate a human and sire a weak hanyou heir" His tone was of disgust, his voice was low; although not low enough to not be heard by the boy in hiding. Suddenly it was not amusing to listen in to the teasing of his brother and immediately something of a revelation hit Inuyasha, the truth being that in the young hanyou's eyes, only Sesshoumaru's opinion of him mattered in the end.

"I understood that your brother is not weak, nor his hanyou peers, Sesshoumaru; in your own words you have extolled their virtues."

"Certainly, but in the case of my brother, my Father's blood is too strong for him and would send him deranged were it not for the seal he holds in…"

"SESSHOUMARU!" Boomed Inu no Taishou's voice; startling the gathered party and making Sesshoumaru pale as he stood up in respect of his father. The father had sensed the frustration in his eldest son's aura and had come to investigate the cause, arriving just in time he deemed. "You speak out of turn My Son and as a penalty, your friends will have to depart." When they were alone the father spoke sternly once again; "You should not speak of things you yourself do not understand fully and that are no business of anyone else's outside of the family. I am disappointed in you and your lack of control My Son."

Inu no Taishou knew that there was no need to further punish Sesshoumaru for his lapse in judgement, the pup was dismayed enough by his father's censure and shamed by having his friends sent away. The father could tell his son felt greatly belittled but he wouldn't offer comfort either too soon, just to make sure the lesson was well learned. The scent of his second son was also worryingly fresh in the area but a quick look round didn't reveal the boy, so hopefully he hadn't overheard his brother's careless remark.

Inuyasha though was devastated, even as his youkai reminded him that Sesshoumaru loved him and was his Alpha, all his human heart knew was that his brother thought him weak…and shouldn't have been born, it added mournfully. But there was nothing to be done about that, he was alive and well and his youkai forcefully assured him with a growl that he was just as entitled to life as anyone else. Inuyasha allowed it to come nearer the surface to give him the ebullience he needed to pretend that he knew nothing about his brother's feelings about him.

A/N I have removed the quote because I cannot put the chapter up at live journal for some reason. Therefore it will have to be quoteless for now. Sue