Guilt and Forgiveness
Inuyasha slid open the doors that led to the private part of the gardens that only the family could use and gazed with longing at his favourite tree. There was a special branch he preferred that allowed him oversight of everything else, but he was denied the comfort of his old friend because he had been told to stay in his rooms to meditate on all he'd learned the previous night. Inu no Taishou had told him that he would be fetched for the evening meal but until then he was to stay put and think hard.
So Inuyasha pulled his futon close to the open doors and lay down on his stomach, cushioning his head on his folded arms and gazed out on the garden, thinking. He also dozed off at regular intervals breathing in deeply the scents of the garden that lingered in the heavy warm air. When he awoke however he mulled over his father's words carefully and sighed. Now that the influence of the jewel was gone from his mind it was clear how much trouble it had caused him personally in making him bitter and forgetful of the love and goodness he did know despite his dual heritage. He had felt anger and guilt but he knew that Papa had understood and didn't condemn him for his thoughts and desires.
Inu no Taishou too was thinking on his son; he passed the boy's door when he knew his pup was asleep, only too glad that the nasty and malicious aura that had recently tainted Inuyasha's normal one had truly gone now. It would do his son good to just rest and think without further distraction; besides he needed to update his anxious mate about what was happening with her second son. Sitting down in their private parlour with refreshments, Inu no Taishou relished in the touch of his Lady as she massaged his shoulders and neck, helping rid him of the stress of his headache, but doing nothing for his growing desire for her.
As she realised the effect that she was having on her mate, The Lady stopped what she was doing and served the tea; her mate was going nowhere and getting nothing until he told her everything. But judging by the sombre and slightly exasperated expression on Inu no Taishou's face, she was going to have to prompt him for the answers she required.
"Did that cursed jewel do anything permanent to My Son…will Inuyasha be alright?"
"Yes. Yes, I am sure he will be fine; I must reward Sesshoumaru for his prompt and satisfying solution…I'm very glad that he didn't think to bring the jewel back here."
"It was that dangerous?"
"I had to listen to My Pup remember every slight, every humiliation, every injustice he has felt in his whole life, recalled with more than normal clarity and warped into inaccuracies that hurt him again as he recalled them. None of the memories was a lie, but it was as if he'd never been reassured, or had them dealt with; the jewel warped his memory. I could see his aura spike with anger and frustration and each time something else was present, an unusual aura that was alien to Inuyasha."
"But he does know the truth; he knows we love him and don't tolerate any bigotry towards him doesn't he?"
"Of course he does and his normal aura is contented most of the time; these were old incidents that have been discussed fully with Inuyasha. They can still be recalled by him should he choose to do so, but with annoyance mainly, and he has never before shown the hatred which was in his eyes and voice yesterday. The jewel was twisting his very personality; but thankfully at least he is not harmed."
"No? I heard him yelping.
"Inuyasha is nowhere near as stoic as Sesshoumaru."
"He is not as strong as Our Eldest."
"Don't let him hear you say that."
"Facts are facts My Love."
"I haven't harmed Inuyasha My Mate; but he has to learn."
"I thought you understood his desire concerning the jewel and that as you've just said he was under its influence."
"I do understand; I don't even think he is wrong to want to become full youkai, but he went about it completely the wrong way. He put himself in great danger, not only from the jewel but also the Miko; she is very powerful, suppose she had purified Inuyasha on sight? My Mate, we might never have known what had happened to him." Inu no Taishou's voice trembled as that terrible thought sank into his mate's heart and although she wanted to know what else had happened last night, she suddenly needed to see her second son.
"I must go to him My Love."
"Of course, take him his lunch, but he is not to leave his room until I fetch him for dinner." Inu no Taishou understood that the need to see for herself an endangered pup was strong in any mother, but for a zealously protective Inu Bitch , it was not something he could or wanted to forbid.
"How is he?"
"Sore, contrite, tired and embarrassed in a nutshell. He told me in no uncertain terms that he 'hates me' and thinks I am a 'cruel bastard'. But as I said to him, and he didn't deny it, the jewel was influencing, not controlling or compelling him; his actions were all his own."
"Thank goodness."
"You think that being disrespectful to his father is a good thing My Mate?"
"Yes, it shows he is acting normally and you know he doesn't truly hate you, he is just angry."
"I think he hates me at the moment; I was not as lenient with him as I have been in the past."
By now Inuyasha had woken up from his doze and was leaning, arms crossed against the garden door frame staring out across the grass and towards the trees but seeing nothing. Papa had understood him, but the understanding hadn't excused Inuyasha from his father's anger. He had gone from the gentle concerned Papa who had encouraged his son to open up, listening to Inuyasha's grievances, to the General of the West who tolerated no lies or dissembling. The young hanyou remembered every word and sentence of their exchange.
He had been silent for quite a while after finishing speaking with his father and the older youkai had waited patiently, just stroking his son's hair and ears as Inuyasha sat by him on the floor. Inu no Taishou had such great control of his aura that it was impossible for Inuyasha to know how his father was feeling about him now. However, he could hazard a guess and taking a forlorn glance at the strap that was on the table he asked;
"Are you still angry with me Papa?"
"Yes Inuyasha, I am still very angry and I am still disappointed."
"Disappointed why? I thought you said you understood."
"The fact that I understand why you wish to become full youkai has no bearing on the reasons I am angry and disappointed in you. Now have you finished telling me everything, do you wish to add anything else My Son?"
"No, at least, not at the moment…wait; I still don't see why I can't use the jewel."
"Very well; there is something important you should know, it is more than probable that the jewel is influencing your thoughts. Having listened to you I am certain it has done so; the pattern of your speech, not to mention the disturbance in your memories is twisted."
"I thought sometimes the voice in my head didn't quite sound like the way I thought things."
"So you said."
"Well it's the jewel's fault then, not mine…be angry with the Shikon not me."
"Inuyasha My Son, suggesting things to you and forcing you to do them are not the same thing and at no time did the jewel's consciousness compel you to act the way you did. Now it is your turn to listen to me."
"Yes Papa." Inuyasha replied in a sullen overtone. The voice was back in his head suggesting that it was cruel and harsh to make him pay for his misdemeanour when all he wanted was to become stronger and less of a disappointment. Inu no Taishou had seen that his pup had become distracted and now he recognised the signs that the jewel was speaking to his son. So the Alpha growled low, demanding his son's attention and Inuyasha's instincts brought him back to the situation at hand. Once he could see the normal look of intelligence in Inuyasha's eyes, the father proceeded;
"After listening to you and others, I feel I have a grasp on all that has happened. You learned of this jewel from merchants and you began to covert it and the wish it could grant. To gain this end you made elaborate plans to deceive your family into thinking you would be elsewhere, under the protection of others whom we trusted. Do you claim that the jewel suppressed your conscience in this matter?"
"It could have…"
"Did it Inuyasha, or did you know that you were doing wrong?" Inu no Taishou watched his son's normally guileless face wash over with great anger, before shame and sadness settled on his features.
"A bit of both; I knew it was wrong, although it didn't always seem so bad at the time." Inuyasha swallowed hard as he tried to defend himself.
"It didn't occur to you to come and ask your father about this possibility?" The father asked and the surprise that crossed Inuyasha's face was its own answer.
"I didn't think…"
"Clearly." was the firm riposte. And Inuyasha had to look away from the hard light in his father's stern eyes. Inu no Taishou was not fooled by the act of submission however, he was aware that the jewel was still very much a forceful presence in his young son's mind and there was more to say yet about Inuyasha's conduct. A few salient points that would hopefully make Inuyasha sober up and think before acting in future were also in order and he carried on relentlessly.
"You then put your plan into action and befriended the young miko who guards the gem. You do not realise how fortunate you have been in this entire debacle; you could have been purified immediately, turned to dust and vaporized. However, thankfully you are not; but you then act in a dishonourable manner towards her. You allow her to believe you are friendless; you do not correct her misunderstanding and let her develop romantic feelings just so that you can deceive her, going along with her idea to turn you human rather than youkai.
"I do like Kikyou…"
"Are you ready and old enough to take on a mate along with all the responsibilities?"
"Well, no, not yet…even Shu's not ready yet."
"Quite, but you felt you could play with the girl's feelings."
"I didn't think that far ahead, I wanted the jewel."
"Allow me to carry on Inuyasha; you briefly consider the life of a human prince which you erroneously felt would mean you would be able to 'lord' it over Sesshoumaru. Then you change your mind again and meant to lie to the young woman about becoming human, you would have stolen the jewel under that pretext to become full youkai. Stupid pup, you were not thinking at all; suppose she doesn't wait for you and makes the wish herself, thinking you love her. You would become human yes, but that wouldn't be like your human night now, there would be no youkai come morning and you would die of your mortality within a few years." Then Inu no Taishou stopped as a horrifying thought crossed his mind;
"Pray that she doesn't use the jewel Inuyasha herself; you may look like an adolescent boy when human, but you are really150 years old. Humans do not live that long; you might become just a pile of human dust and bones. But perhaps you feel that you could still use the jewel to become youkai? It would be just as bad, if not worse for your family; I would probably have to destroy you before you could fall prey to the madness that would consume your mind. I will not have anyone, not even my son, running amok and dangerously uncontrolled, throughout the lands. Your bloodlines are too strong for you as youkai with human blood, and even if you were to rid yourself of human blood you would be remain unbalanced once more; you would need to make too many changes at a fundamental level. It is not a risk you should be prepared to take."
Finally he had got the message through; Inuyasha was shaking, and even his ears were a quiver. The boy who now looked up at him was horrified and afraid and held his arms out like a little child obviously wanting his father's comfort, but Inu no Taishou was not in a position to offer him that yet.
"I think you are out of immediate danger for now Inuyasha, your brother should be making sure that the Shikon jewel is not used to change you and in the morning I will take you to apologise to the young woman for deceiving her. Now though it is time, go and steady yourself against the desk."
"No, it's not fair, haven't I been through enough already?"
"You deceived your family, your tutor and your guest, had anything happened to you, all would have felt the blame. You lied to a young maiden and deceived her too, had you been purified or turned human and died, we would have searched and found out eventually what had happened and she and her whole village would have been destroyed by me and your brother in our anger and pain. Your selfish attitude would have cost them dear. As of yet although you have been afraid, you have shown no remorse or sorrow for the situations you could have so casually caused."
"I am sorry…I am."
"No Inuyasha, I'm afraid you cannot be excused from all of this." Inu no Taishou said before picking up the strap and leading his reluctant son to the desk.
That had been the previous evening, before the jewel's destruction and the subsequent clearing of Inuyasha's mind. Now the boy felt nothing but shame; he had accused his father of cruelty and said that he hated him, he'd refused to show Inu no Taishou any respect or say goodnight when he had been escorted to his room. He had yet to say that he was truly sorry for his conduct even when he knew that his father had kept guard over him all that sleepless night from the corridor. But he was; Inuyasha was not a cold pup, he needed and wanted to give and receive love and he hated being in disgrace.
Even as late as that morning when they had gone to the village, Inuyasha had resented his father's interference; he was still sore in not only body, but his soul also ached at least until the jewel was destroyed and his heart became lighter as his mind cleared of the jewel's influence. He had sheepishly, but sincerely apologised to Kikyou and wanted to thank Sesshoumaru, but he had already left. Now Inuyasha was confined to his room until his father came for him at dinner time, an event he awaited eagerly so that he could really feel his father's forgiveness and yet at the same time with trepidation in case his father wasn't ready to forgive.
Suddenly the door slid open and his mother walked in and took a tray bearing food that smelled delicious from the servant and placed it on a small table. There were many things she too wanted to say to her son, to impress on his mind her own censure, but with one look at his defeated face her anger fled. Instead she went to him and folded him in her arms, holding him tight, snuffling her nose in his hair.
"We could have lost you, so easily; lost you Inuyasha, forever, what would we have done?" The Lady whispered and felt him shudder before he clutched her back. She was offering the first comfort Inuyasha had had since the previous dreadful night and he was desperate for the contact. His whole body was trembling and all he could whisper was how sorry he was; really, really sorry. His mother petted him as she used to when he was younger and first in her care; eventually calming the boy down until he was able to come to the table and eat, fussing over him as if he were a tiny whelp.
The door slid open again and this time Inu no Taishou stepped in. Immediately Inuyasha went to him and bared his neck in a distinct display of submission and his father studied him carefully for a few minutes before growling his acceptance. Yet the atmosphere stayed tense until Inuyasha knelt down and bowed, apologising again, this time for his rude behaviour; he was obviously sincere and finally his father smiled at him. Then when Inuyasha admitted that he didn't hate his father either, Inu no Taishou opened his arms to allow his pup to come to him.
"I may have to risk your ire further though Inuyasha; you are a good boy and in a privileged position. You have lands that you own and manage well, but because of this I feel that you have also been indulged; you have had more unsupervised freedom than has been good for a pup your age. So from now on until you prove yourself more mature, you will not leave the grounds of the Palace or your farmlands without an escort again. You have proved it too easy to give your guard the slip."
"Papa I'm not a baby...I'll promise you not to do anything again."
"You cannot promise me that Inuyasha, and I won't take the chance with your life. This need you have to change yourself is too deeply ingrained; it's been your desire for a long time, since you were very small. Should you hear of anything else that would grant your wish, you would want to find out about it, regardless. I shall require your promise to your Alpha that should such a temptation arise again, you would first seek out your parents or your older brother for advice."
"I will Papa."
"That's not enough My Pup." Inu no Taishou said, and his face started to change, lengthening his jaw and gaining fearsome fangs. His eyes too changed; glowing red and teal and his power was overwhelming even though he barely used any of his youki. It was enough to subject Inuyasha to the will of his Alpha, and as the fangs clamped around the back of his pup's neck, Inu no Taishou invoked his son's youkai in response. Inuyasha's youkai made his promise to his father, his Alpha, and the hanyou would not be able to disobey such a demand. It would keep him safe from acting immediately on any further dangerous impulses before consulting with his Alphas.
When the promise had been extracted and his youki returned to its proper levels, the father once more gazed upon his son's features. Inuyasha was still subdued and pale, there was still some discomfort from his punishment the evening before and he was a tad apprehensive. The pup's aura only completely balanced once Inu no Taishou gave him a hug and a kiss to his forehead that told Inuyasha he was forgiven.
"I am sorry that I could not just put all of this down to a youthful mistake Inuyasha, I am sorry I had to be so hard on you, but you must meditate on all the implications, free of the jewel in your mind. So rest well My Son and consider until dinner time when we shall be pleased to have you back with us." With that the Lord and Lady took their leave and left Inuyasha who was tired and relieved to his futon. The boy's heart was lighter than it had been for many weeks, he was the other side of his deceptions and felt the better for it and he was cognizant of his narrow escape…this time.
As with most young things, Inuyasha bounced back quickly, especially when the scent of dinner wafted to his rooms and he heard his father coming to free him from his solitude. The father was happy to see the normal gleam back in his son's eyes and ruffled the hair between Inuyasha's ears. The family was waiting for their arrival and before they sat down to eat Inuyasha went over to Sesshoumaru to thank him for getting rid of the jewel.
"Thank you Shu." He said happily, and turned towards his seat. However the others were alerted to further trouble when the older boy's aura changed.
"I was glad to be able to free any from the effects of such a detestable and irredeemable object Inuyasha and kindly remember that my name is Sesshoumaru. I only permit 'Shu' as the name given to me by my younger brother whom you have effectively killed. Now if everyone will excuse me, I shall eat in my chambers." He got up and with a glance at his father who granted him permission to leave with a nod of his head, Sesshoumaru swept out to the astonishment of his siblings and the misery of one. Mother and Father shared a look and Inu no Taishou said to her;
"So much for his perceived impassivity My Mate; Sesshoumaru is hurting too, but this is not something I can sort out."
"May I be excused Papa; I want to see Shu." Inuyasha said sadly. But his father said no; Inuyasha must wait until later to try to repair the damage; it was a sad fact that wrongdoing often had far reaching effects on others that were not considered at the time. It put a dampener on the evening for Inuyasha, and he didn't enjoy his meal at all, the empty space where Sesshoumaru normally sat was most eloquent. It was clear that it would be up to him to make things right between himself and his older brother.