Chapter 14: Explanation

A/N:

Hoo boy, let me explain the previous chapter. Sachi imouto-ing herself was supposed to be a fakeout. She was going to slip up in Fairy Dance (not sure how yet, a kiss is too strong) with Leafa busting her for it. Afterwards the pair are sitting at the campfire and they confess to each other that they both still have feelings for him. 'Yes, those kind.' One might confess a lurid dream. The temptation (UST) is still there.

I have been in the hospital for week with a burst appendix, massive peritonitis, pneumonia, and heart arrhythmia, etc.

I received a huge amount of prayer support, and I am so thankful for it. (Did you know that they have actually done formal scientific studies on the effect of prayer on people who are ill in hospitals? Believe me, it's real. The studies keep trying to factor out any biases, doing them over again, etc, but it keeps on happening.)

I had written the outline and key dialog for the previous chapter while I was still recovering in the hospital. I was so whacked out on morphine, Dilaudid, Oxycontin, etc, that I don't remember writing it. It was a hoot for me to read it later like it was written by a different author. I had fun critiquing certain parts, etc. Hey, I beta'ed myself!

I have since then reworked the previous chapter a second time. It emphasizes even more that Sachi is still deeply in love with Kazuto and is suppressing her feelings now.

Remember, she will do anything, absolutely anything he wants. What he wants is Asuna. So she will do what he wants and let him go as a lover despite the literal physical pain she is suffering.

I didn't know about Kikuoka later being the mastermind behind Project Alicization (oops), so I put him on a plane to Borneo and swapped in Nurse Kurosawa. In my other stories I always create an OC named Akira Kurosawa - sometimes male, sometimes female, usually mulatto, usually in a wheelchair. He/she is my one and only designated Christian proxy. (Only 1% of Japanese are Christian so I can't have more.) This was the first time I didn't use an OC and it blew up in my face. I won't do that again.

I'm wearing a heart monitor now. My short term memory is still shot, and I am having difficulty in finding words. I'm writing the next chapter now and it's hard. I keep repeating phrases, dialog, forgetting what I just wrote, etc.

I believe that the Evil One is messing with me to try to stop me from finishing this. So please pray for me as I struggle to finish this.

As always, thank you for reading,

-HuuskerDu

P.S. The rules of FFN state that I am not allowed to post a chapter that contains only author notes. What follows are some unused scenes from the original plot (which was pretty dark) that I have since abandoned.

The following is *not* part of the main story. It is just discarded material.

Sachi whisper to Suguha. "Psst. You want to know a secret?"

"Bwuh?"

"I love him too."

She sniffled, "I know. You already told me that."

"No, that was back in the game. That was just puppy love, coming from a scared puppy. It's different now."

"No, you see, he cared for me. He really did. It was the first time anyone did. He showed me what loving kindness was like. Now I want to love him that way in return."

LATE CONFRONTATION BY K TO S AFTER ASUNA REVEAL: S REFUSES TO ADMIT FEELINGS

(K confronts S)

K to S: "What are your feelings towards me?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does!"

"Why?"

"Because it matters to me! Because you matter to me!"

"Kirito, I won't answer that."

"Why the heck not?"

"Kirito, work it out. If I told you I was in love with you and wanted you for myself, you would feel guilty that you were hurting me because you love Asuna. If I said I didn't love you, you would think that I was denying my feelings to protect you, to avoid making you feel guilty. Any answer I give you will hurt you. So I am not going answer your question. Why? Because it DOES. NOT. MATTER."

Sachi had that look again, with her eyes showing steely determination that few could ever understand. Whenever she was like this, Suguha had to look away. No one could withstand her blazing hawk-like gaze for more than a moment.

But not Kazuto. He threw that same hard look right back at her. His own eyes flared with the same mighty intensity and determination as hers. It was as if two great superpowers were struggling against each other, their willpower competing for dominance in the airspace between them.

The staring contest went on.

It was a battle of wills.

It was a battle for self.

Sachi finally blinked.

She looked away. "This is stupid and pointless."

Kazuto made a small grin. "I see it now."

She turned back to face him. "You don't see anything."

"Your walls are up. You've built around yourself an emotional barrier that is a mile high. You're just like I was."

"Shut up. Just shut up!"

"Can't your hear yourself? Sachi, don't you see it?"

She turned away again. He approached.

"Sachi, you are behaving just like I was after I failed you and let you die. My walls went up, and I didn't care what happened to me. Or maybe my walls were already up because I was the 'Beater' that everyone hated and they just went higher. I didn't care about anything except for finding that revival item to bring you back.

"You put a barrier around your own feelings. You think you think you did it to protect me. To protect me from any guilt for hurting you because I love Asuna."

She whirled back. "Shut up!"

"But you threw up those walls to protect yourself too."

"Shut up! Shut up! Just.. just.." She broke down. "Just please, please shut up."

Sachi crashes, K holds her.

K confesses "You've always been that way your whole life. You always had a barrier up. You first put up a barrier to protect yourself from your alcoholic mother. You had no siblings, no friends. As a VRDP everyone despised you. The only time you lowered your barrier was when you gave up and waited to die in SAO. You put up a fake cheery front with the 'Cats, but you lowered your barrier with me, and only me. It was probably the only time you shared your private fears with anyone your whole life."

Both sitting against the wall: "Same psych profiles. We really are two peas in a pod, aren't we?"

She made a sad smile. "We are both so messed up."

"Yeah, we are."

"Look, I can't love you the way I love Asuna, but I can still love you. Just like Suguha."

[S knows Suguha has 'those kind' of feelings. Refer to Suguha's implied masturbation scene here. S is upset because Suguha is still hiding it.]

She gave him a look. She silently got up and left.

What was that all about? Did I say something wrong when I mentioned Suguha?

He sighed and went to the kitchenette to get something to eat.