IIII
She is leaving and I can't do anything
Love is leaving
Like a fool, I'm blankly standing there
Comfortable clothing, he said. Xiaoyu sighed as she glanced over her reflection. "Doesn't get more comfortable than jeans," she mumbled under her breath just as her mobile signalled an incoming text.
She picked up the slim device, her eyebrows furrowing as she read the text.
Come outside.
Did Jin think they were teenagers or something? With a huff she shoved her mobile into her purse before she left the bedroom.
It would be a lie if she said her heart wasn't beating frantically. She felt stupid. It's not like she'd never been on a date with Jin before.
The only difference was that back then her nerves was because she was so excited and happy. Now, well honestly Xiaoyu didn't know what she was feeling. Only her heart wouldn't stop racing and she couldn't seem to calm herself down.
Was it even a date when the other person was your ex turned enemy slash lover?
Her lips turned into an ironic smile at the thought that somehow her life had morphed into something out of a soap opera.
"You're late."
Xiaoyu had just stepped out of the front door, her steps faltering as her gaze landed on Jin.
He wore dark jeans, a leather jacket over a basic black tee, leaning against his motorbike. It wasn't the simple attire that gave her pause, but the all too familiar feeling of déjà vu that his image evoked.
In the past he'd pick her up in school in a similar get up. She'd be all too happy to ditch Miharu and their other friends as she ran to him.
He'd act all awkward when she'd fling herself in his arms but he'd be smiling. And somehow she'd know that deep down he was just as happy as she was.
"Xiao?"
Shaking her mind from its lapse into the past, Xiaoyu took the remaining steps to his side. "So where are you taking me?" she asked flippantly, like she didn't care either way.
Jin shoved a helmet into her hands before mounting his bike. "It's a surprise," he threw over his shoulder.
Xiaoyu hesitated, the helmet heavy in her hands.
What am I doing?
Why does it feel like I'm losing sight of everything? Like all the time I thought I was getting further and further away, when really I was just walking around in a circle?
Sucking the air through her teeth, Xiaoyu fastened the helmet over her head. Her fingers were trembling ever so slightly when she wrapped them around Jin's middle.
"You better hold on tight," he said and she thought he might even be smirking, but since she couldn't see his face she wasn't sure.
Xiaoyu pressed herself tighter against his body, her arms wrapped securely around his middle.
"Ready?"
He waited a beat before roaring the bike into life.
Then it was like they were flying, cutting through the air and leaving behind ripples.
Xiaoyu kept her eyes firmly closed even if she trusted Jin to ensure they didn't crash.
As they zipped through the evening traffic, she allowed her mind to wonder.
Back when she was still chasing Jin, she'd truly believed that if only she reached him somehow she could fix everything. She ignored all warnings and caution. She was willing and for a time had, given up everything just to remain at his side.
The thing is, when Xiaoyu fell in love with Jin he was far from perfect. He was this distant boy, with a gorgeous face and eyes brimming with sadness.
And even though he was polite and kept his head down, she could tell he was broken.
Xiaoyu hadn't planned on falling for Jin. She'd just wanted to climb over the wall he'd erected between himself and the rest of the world. Hopefully they'd be friends and he'd let her see more of himself.
By the time her interest morphed into love, she realised the wall that hadn't seemed so high when she'd climbed it had suddenly soared into the heavens.
She was trapped inside with him and honestly she didn't know how to escape.
Or is that a lie? Was it that she didn't want to escape in the first place?
After all how did she explain how after all this time, she found herself back, inside Jin's wall?
/
Jin killed the engine, firmly planting his feet either side of the bike. He still felt a bit heady from speeding through traffic. He always got a rush from riding his bike, like if he sped fast enough, far enough he could somehow escape his demons.
Xiaoyu climbed off and he heard her surprised gasp.
"Why are we here?" she asked.
Dismounting, Jin flattened the collar of his jacket as he came to stand beside her. "It's not Xiaoyu Wonderland or whatever you wanted to call your amusement park but it's hopefully a close second," he said, watching her reaction.
She was too shocked to even try and school her features and even if she did, Xiaoyu wasn't much of an actress.
"But there's nobody else here," she said.
"Yeah," he agreed. "I got them to close the place for the rest of the night, only the staff actually running the rides is still around."
Xiaoyu gaped at him with wide eyes. "You closed down an entire amusement park?!"
Was that too much? Jin wasn't exactly clued up on how this courting business was supposed to work. It was strange enough thinking about how he was trying to woe back a woman he'd been close to marrying once before.
"I thought you could do with some fresh air?" he said and he didn't like how it sounded like a question.
The more they stood there, the less he felt like he was in control and the more he felt like his old awkward teenage self trying to tell the girl he liked he might possibly, maybe, definitely liked her.
"Why?"
Her question gave him pause and honestly no matter how much he wrecked his brain he didn't understand why her surprise had turned to something akin to sadness.
Xiaoyu dropped her eyes to the ground, fingering the strap of her purse.
And once again he was at a loss. She was supposed to be happy right? This wasn't him forcing his wishes on her. Instead he'd done something purely for her happiness.
So why, why did it feel like he'd screwed it up somehow?
"It doesn't matter," Xiaoyu said before she lifted her head, eyes set in determination. "I'm not going to let this opportunity go to waste!"
Stunned, Jin stood as Xiaoyu marched ahead.
After a few steps, she turned and regarded him with a confused expression. "Well, what are you waiting for?" she asked, eyebrows raised. "We have an entire amusement park waiting and I need to fit in at least fifty rides before midnight."
"F-f-fifty?"
"Okay maybe forty nine," she relented, before turning around and started walking again.
Forty nine? Did that mean he was going to be stuck here for several hours? Even as he contemplated the daunting task a part of him felt lighter.
Just maybe this wasn't such a bad idea.
/
She didn't stop. Jumping from one ride to another, barely catching her breath or steadying her feet.
Xiaoyu felt like she was running.
Yet each time without fail, she'd glance to her side and Jin would be there.
Was it like this back when she thought they were forever?
Somehow those memories were always a blur. She remembered the KOF tournaments, those long boring days at school made worse by copious amounts of homework and never ending test cycles. She even remembered summer breaks spent with Miharu and later Alisa.
Sometimes Jin would call, mostly he'd just send her an email once in a while.
She rarely saw him and even when she did it always felt like she had to squeeze what little precious moments out of him she could.
She made excuses for him. As her absent friend and even when he became her sometimes boyfriend slash lover.
"He's busy, I can't expect him to hold my hand, Mi." she'd often say.
Or "You just don't understand Jin like I do, Hwo."
But now as they went from ride to ride, Xiaoyu wondered if maybe back then Jin didn't make an effort because he knew she was there, waiting for him.
And if that was true, then their relationship was in trouble long before he became mad with power.
Yet she didn't want to accept that truth. That maybe she poured more into them than he did. That she was the one working to make them work when all he wanted was something beyond her understanding.
After all, when she said she was done, when she stood there, still mourning her grandfather and told him she was leaving – Jin said nothing.
He didn't ask her to stay.
That's why when she realised he'd booked an entire amusement park just for her, her first word had been 'why'.
Why did it have to take them falling apart.
Her leaving.
And her friend tethering at death's door for him to want her back?
Why hadn't she been enough to make him abandon his ambition?
Why was it that every time she was the one falling apart while he selfishly dragged her along?
Did Jin even need me? Xiaoyu wondered.
Suddenly she stopped, her legs felt damn near ready to keel over.
How long where they going to do this?
"Jin."
He stopped, his eyes questioning.
"Me," she paused to take a deep breath, before exhaling slowly. Staring him straight in the eye, with only her purse strap as an anchor, she continued, "What am I to you?"
/
When he was in school one of the first things he learned was that the world never stopped – that even when we did, or even when disaster struck- the earth kept turning on its axis. His teacher told him so and his teacher was smart so Jin believed him.
Later when he shared his news with his mother, she smiled, chuckling behind her hand as she told him that yes, she knew that to be true as well.
The world never stops. That was the truth he was fed and because he was a child, because aside from his small school and his home nestled in the forest near their village that was the only world he knew, Jin accepted it to be true.
Which is why he didn't understand when his world first stopped. When the very ground beneath his feet stopped moving, how it was happening.
His mother, the centre and the driving force behind his world lay dead in his arms. It didn't make sense. The world had stopped and he was always told that it didn't.
So then maybe it wasn't real. Maybe if he closed his eyes and counted back from a hundred he'd wake up in his bed and find his mother preparing his breakfast.
He must have done a hundred of those stupid counts, yet every single damn time he reached zero nothing had changed.
His mother was still gone and the stupid world hadn't moved a single inch.
That was the first time Jin really began to question the world around him. Questioned everything from what he was taught to what he bore witness with his own eyes.
If it was all a lie, a long endless dream then he didn't care.
Didn't care when his grandfather, whom he'd only just met, took him away from the only home he'd ever known.
Didn't care when all he did was train. Training until every muscle ached and buckled under the constant strain.
He didn't care much about anything and honestly he was fine existing in a world that didn't move.
At least he thought he was until she collided into him, literally. She didn't even stop to check if he was fine, just yelled an apology over her shoulder and kept running down the hallway, clearly late for class.
At the time Jin didn't realise that his world had begun moving, even if only slightly.
Later he'd meet that very same girl at his grandfather's house, munching on his cereal and talking to a panda.
The complete strangeness of the scene, completely lost on her.
Over time he'd learn a lot was lost on Xiaoyu. For instance she seemed to be oblivious to his attempts at keeping a distance between them.
No matter how little he engaged her in conversation, he always found himself the recipient of long endless soliloquy.
And even though he pretended to be annoyed by her presence he soon became accustomed to it.
She was unlike any girl he'd ever met. She seemed to radiate with an endless supply of energy.
And without his permission or even regard she broke through his shell. And because she was greedy and selfish she stole his heart too.
By then the world just kept turning faster and faster.
He could barely keep up.
And even if he stumbled, she was still there, laughing and offering him a hand and a ride on her pet panda.
Because he couldn't make sense of her, the feelings she invoked inside of him, Jin convinced himself she was a lie.
Yet even as he told himself this, he didn't want to let go of her. Even if she was a lie and bound to crumble and disappear someday. He'd hold on, only if just a bit longer.
"Jin."
He stopped, throwing her a questioning glance.
Xiaoyu was fiddling with the strap of her purse, her eyes steady as she held his gaze."Me," there was a pause and he watched her inhale before exhaling slowly, "What am I to you?"
The question caught him off guard. Not because he didn't have a ready answer, because he didn't understand how she didn't know the answer to that by now.
A dry chuckle escaped his lips.
She frowned, glaring at him. "I'm serious," she said through gritted teeth.
And he could tell she was, which was why this was so funny to begin with.
"Hey Xiao..."
He had a question of his own for her.
"What?" she snapped, irritable.
"The world doesn't stop turning does it?"
A look of confusion marred her expression. "Of course, why are you asking me this?" she asked. "Are you trying to avoid answering my question?"
"Wrong."
"What?" she asked puzzled.
It was his turn to regard her seriously. "The world, it stops, sometimes," he responded and he could see the confusion on her face, so he elaborated, "For me it stopped three times."
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Jin stared at the woman before. "The first was when my mother died," he explained. "The second was when Heihachi shot a bullet through my head." Now when he thought about that incident he wasn't sure whether to be angry it happened in the first place or sad that he didn't simply die on the spot. "The third... the last time... was when you left."
/
Xiaoyu felt like he'd knocked the air out of her lungs. He was using too many words, more sentences than Jin was supposed to so it made sense why she was grappling to understand him.
Jin was one worded answers. Short strained sentences and long, agonized looks.
This entire essay was throwing her off her game.
"What do you mean the world stopped when I left?" she asked.
He smiled, but it seemed a bit condescending.
"How can you stand there and ask me what you are to me when I've made you my world?" he asked.
No. That isn't true. Xiaoyu shook her head, took a step back and refused the burden he was thrusting upon her. "Jin, you're a liar." She said, her voice shaky.
"Funny you should say that when you're the lie, Xiao."
Now she was confused and somewhat insulted. What did he mean she was a lie?
"You were supposed to stay by my side," he said. "I thought that because you loved me with all my faults and short comings you'd stay. No matter what happened you'd stay."
Xiaoyu felt tears prickle behind her eyes. "I was supposed to stay?" she repeated dumbly. "How was I supposed to stay when you'd pushed me away?!"
His face consorted into a pained expression. "I was trying to-"
"Protect me, huh?" she finished for him, anger rippling through her. "You're wrong if you think I needed protecting from the world when the only one you should have protected me from was you!"
Xiaoyu didn't know if it was the anger, but it felt like all the air in her brain was slowly oozing out.
"You chose everything else but me, when you were the only choice for me!" she yelled.
She was angry, she was hurting and so damn tired of running in circles if the end and the beginning is always going to be the same boy.
"You're a liar!" she accused him hotly. "Because you love yourself more than me!"
"Are you serious?" Jin asked, his expression incredulous.
Why was everything spinning?
"Even though you sprout suicidal bullshit you only care about yourself!" she threw at him.
His eyes narrowed and that all too familiar golden glint sparked in his iris. "Xiao-"
"No!" she refused for him to interrupt what she had to say. "You use the devil gene as an excuse."
"It's not an excuse!" he snapped. "It's the curse I have to live with, if you can't even understand that-"
"So what?!"
He froze, eyes wide.
"So what?" she repeated, some of her anger evaporating as she struggled to swallow the thick lump wedged inside her throat. "I loved you enough to accept the devil gene. But you, you are so obsessed with it you couldn't even see that I didn't care! You think if you sprouted wings and horns I'd run? Do you think my love for you so fickle?"
Her words had silenced him.
"Your world stopped three times, huh?" she said as tears flowed down her cheeks. "Mine stopped every time you left, every time you pushed me away, kept things from me and still had the nerve to come back like nothing happened."
"I was in love with you, chased you to the damn near end of the world – which part of that did you not understand?"
Her knees that had been threatening to buckle, finally caved and she fell to the ground. As she sobbed, Xiaoyu realised these were the words she didn't say when she'd left him.
That they remained locked inside of her, festering and sucking the life out of her.
And now that she'd set them free she didn't know what would become of the place they'd resided. Was afraid that even as the thought this, an all too familiar feeling was slowly but surely creeping its way back inside her heart.
"Am I selfish to want a world that only stops because you're there next to me?" Jin asked softly and he sounded as broken as she felt.
Xiaoyu wiped at her cheeks. "I don't know," she admitted.
She didn't know what was right anymore.
So much had happened between them, but her heart only ever raced for him.
Even before she understood love, she was already in love with Jin.
"You're not fair, Xiao," He said with a bitter chuckle. "Crying at an amusement park... you're not fair at all."
If you If you if it's not too late
Can't we get back together?
/
End Note: Sorry for the wait (and mistakes, my editing is shody as ever)! Hopefully the next chapter will be out next week.
I know! Why can't they just be happy already?! Honestly I'm trying really hard to get them at their happily ever after, but they keep thwarting my good intentions. But I see this as a silver lining.
Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! Honestly, when I'm drowning under work and too tired to even think of writing, your words have encouraged me to at least open a blank document.
Disclaimer: I don't own If You by Big Bang nor the English translation. I just had the song on repeating while working on this chapter. It just felt like Jin's song, like what he wanted to say when Xiao left him.
PS: I used the translation under the lyric video posted by yankat on youtube (without their permission, hopefully they won't sue me...).