Disclaimer: I don't own Psych. Enjoy.
She dialed Shawn's number for the third time, and before it rang twice, hung up.
"I can't do this." she said to herself, miserable. Carlton was getting coffee inside. She appreciated the irony of the situation-trying to break up with your boyfriend while your lover is paying for your coffee-but that didn't make it any easier.
You've got to do this.
She dialed again. This time, she'd do it.
"Hey, did I keep you waiting long?" Carlton asked, opening the car door and shutting it firmly behind him. She sighed and, before the other line rang twice, hung up. Again.
"No, not at all." she replied, trying to smile genuinely.
"Okay." he grinned at her, and she felt her stomach turn on itself.
God dammit.
It turned out, Shawn wouldn't have answered the phone anyway. When Carlton drove into the parking lot of the station, he saw Gus' blueberry in the space beside his. He stole a furtive glance at Juliet, whose expression was unfathomable behind a cup of coffee and aviator sunglasses. Wordlessly, he opened his side door and rounded the side to open Juliet's when he saw them coming out of the back.
"Jules!" Shawn shouted, smiling and waving his hand goofily over his head with a childish smile on his face. Carlton heard her sigh heavily as she got out of the car, and put on her best smile for him.
"Hi Shawn." she said. He jogged over and pecked her lips. Carlton felt a potent cocktail of guilt, rage and disappointment suddenly rise in his throat. Of course she hasn't spoken to him, he thought. Why would she?
"Spencer. Guster." he nodded at Shawn and Gus and without a word to his partner, strode inside. He heard her call his name, but refused to allow himself to look back at her.
Why did you ever think she would?
Juliet spent her lunch break crying in the third stall of the ladies room in a nearby coffee shop. She'd left her desk for a little while to delegate tasks to McNab and to quickly discuss a few cases with Chief Vick. When she came back, Carlton was not at his desk and his car wasn't in the lot. He was gone with no warning, and had not waited for her for lunch, and that was why she was crying.
She was really crying because she hadn't gotten up the courage to talk to Shawn, and Carlton finally knew. He knew now that she was a sniveling fool with doubts and fears, who wasn't really sure if she wanted to make a commitment to her partner-
Except that wasn't it either. She was a coward, plain and simple. He'd borne his soul to her. He'd risked his career and his sanity to finally let her know how he felt about her, and she was risking nothing by not taking a leap and breaking up with Shawn. She understood why he was angry-who wouldn't be?-but surely he couldn't blame her...she was as entitled to indecision as anyone else...
Except, you're decided. You know who you want and who you don't. You're afraid to hurt Shawn's feelings and that's all there is to it.
Juliet cried harder.
Carlton wasn't in the mood to eat (possibly ever again) and he definitely wasn't in the mood to talk. He sped to the church, and as he climbed the front stairs, he felt the weight of what had happened descend on his shoulders with every step. Finally he shouldered open the doors and collapsed into the back pew, barely cognizant of what was going on around him.
He had accidentally stumbled in on a wedding, one that was (ironically enough) being served by Father Brannigan, who gave him something of an odd look before continuing.
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Father Brannigan said, smiling at the beaming young couple. The young woman-small, with wild red hair-threw her arms around her new husband-a gangly fellow with glasses-and kissed him.
Carlton fisted his hands in his pockets, allowing bitterness-even for a moment-to consume him completely.
The rest of the day went by hazily. Juliet was there physically but not mentally, filling out paperwork and interrogating suspects like a machine. Carlton, Chief Vick said, had called from his home, sounding terrible. He was taking the rest of the day to sleep and try to recuperate, and would she be alright on her own? Did she need someone else to come in and help her? Spencer was there for the day-did she want him?
Juliet said, barely holding back tears, that she'd be just fine without him. Which was possibly the most disgusting and false lie she'd ever told.
You're talking to Shawn right after work. And then you're going to try to make things right with Carlton. Because dammit, if you don't, you're the biggest fucking idiot on the coast.
Juliet set herself in for a long afternoon, vaguely dreading the evening.
No room for fear now.
"Shawn, we need to talk." she said, twisting Carlton's tie (he'd left it at her home after their last escapade) in her hand.
"Is this about that time that I stored collegen in your freezer? Because I lost a bet with Gus and I had to be Marla Singer when we did Fight Club-"
"No, I...wait, you stored collegen in my freezer?" Juliet snapped.
"Nope, no. Didn't do that. Ew."
"What the hell, Shawn!"
"In my defense, I make a very convincing Helena Bonham Carter-"
"Shawn," Juliet cut him off. "This is serious."
"Sorry Jules. Go ahead, what did you want to say?"
Juliet took a deep lungful of air. No room for fear now.
"I...Shawn...I think..."
"What?"
"Shawn, I think I want to break up."
There was a long silence.
"Oh, it's that phone call." Juliet clamped her eyes shut and bit her lower lip.
"It's not you," she said. "It's me. I know that's the biggest cliche in the book, but it's true this time. I couldn't go on stringing you along when I really have feelings for...I mean...I'm sorry Shawn. I really, really am. And I still want to be friends. I do."
"Lassie, huh?" Juliet's eyes snapped open.
"What?" she cried.
"Psychic Jules, remember?" Shawn said, attempting levity.
"Well...yes. He and I," she said quietly. "Are you okay?" Shawn sighed.
"To be honest, no. But I will be, I promise. And also, we'll be friends Jules. I can't lose you completely." he replied. She managed to crack a smile.
"Do you mean that, Shawn?"
"Is Hans Gruber the most badass villain ever? Of course." she laughed softly.
"Good. I don't want to lose you either."
"I'm glad."
"Me too."
"And who knows," said Shawn. "It might be better this way in the end."
"I think it might be."
He wasn't drunk. That's what he told himself as he stumbled up his front stairs and fumbled for his keys. He'd called a friend and told her the situation, and she (blessedly) drove over with a bottle of whiskey and half a bottle of rum. Now, at 3:47 AM, both were empty in the trash, his friend had cabbed it home, and he was so drunk he could barely stand.
A cop should never be this fucked up.
"Too bad I am," he mumbled. "Ha-ha, hahaha." He opened the door and staggered in, sitting down heavily on his sofa.
"Hi Carlton." he whipped his head around and nearly fell onto the floor. Juliet was standing in his kitchen, looking slightly disheveled in what she'd worn to work that day-a lavender pencil skirt, black fitted blazer and white collared shirt.
"Holy crap, how'd you get in?" he walked over to her, swaying. She managed to smile.
"I know where you keep your spare key," she said, waving it back and forth in front of his face. He smiled and nodded dumbly. "How drunk are you right now?"
"A quarter of a bottle of rum and half a bottle of whiskey drunk," he said. "So it's a miracle I haven't gotten sick yet."
"Jesus," she said, her face contorting into a mask of worry. Don't worry sweetheart, honey, baby-"You really put it away."
"I'm fine." he said.
"Sit down. Do you want some water?" she asked, guiding to the kitchen table. He practically fell into his kitchen chair.
"Yeah, I guess." he slurred. She poured him a tall glass of water and sat across the table.
"Drink." she said.
"Yeah mom." he replied, already guzzling the water. She laughed softly.
"Carlton, you're a total wreck." she said, half laughing, half concerned. He finished the water and slammed the drink down onto the table. She jumped a little in her chair.
"I love you," he said thickly. "I don't care if you don't. Well, I do. But I mean...I just wanted to tell you. I love you." Juliet stared at him for a long time, her hand over his across his kitchen table.
"I just love you," his voice cracked. "Dammit Juliet, I love you so much."
"Tell me about it in the morning," she said. "When you're sober."
"What?"
"Tell me you love me when you're sober. Just do that for me." she said. He shrugged, and tapped his glass; a sign for Juliet to refill it. She went to the sink and turned the tap on, almost missing his last words for the night-
"I'll tell you I love you any time, any time." he spluttered. "Any time, Juliet."