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Chapter Thirty-One
Talking It Through
Ethel had returned to Julie's flat and had now officially left school, well at least for the time being. Esmerelda, Sybil, and Mildred were going to return home every night after lessons as the wizard had agreed to it. Ethel was still able to do her schoolwork so it was not like she was not getting an education.
During the day when Esmie, Sybil, and Mildred were at school it left just Julie and Ethel in the flat alone. As much as they had got on well on their last placement they had never being together alone before and Ethel seemed very on edge at that moment but Julie knew it probably had something to do with what Cackle and HB had said to her. She had not been right since then. She had been really depressed since.
Currently, Ethel was lying on the sofa with her hand on her bump, her back killing her from the pressure the baby was putting on her. Julie knew it was as good as opportunity as ever to talk to Ethel, she knew the girl would have fears and that was normal. She needed to make sure Ethel was comfortable with everything. Julie walked over and sat next to her on the sofa, placing Ethel's legs on her lap, not wanting to move her when she had only just gotten comfortable.
"Is everything alright?" Ethel asked Julie as she rubbed her bump gently and Julie smiled at the young blonde.
"I just wanted to make sure you are okay Ethel, I know it really hurt you what Miss Cackle and Miss Hardbroom said to you" Julie told the girl with a smile.
Ethel sighed. She knew Julie could see right through her and she was not happy about it.
"They are right though aren't they….I will be the world's worst mother, I am trying to fool myself I won't be but I will" Ethel told Julie sadly as she rubbed her bump more.
"What makes you think that?" Julie asked actually curious as to why Ethel would think something like that.
"I am thirteen, and I mess everything up, I ruin everyone's lives that I come into contact with, I am a horrible person" Ethel explained to Julie, truly believing all this. Julie was shocked and sad. She didn't want Ethel to think like this, it wasn't good for her to be going into motherhood with such a negative mindset of herself.
"Ethel, I have not known you long and I have heard about the things you have done, let me finish" Julie said as she saw Ethel open her mouth to comment on what she had just said.
"I know you have made some huge mistakes but that does not make you a bad person or a bad mother, a bad mother wouldn't be so gentle with the way they rub their bump, a bad mother wouldn't watch what they ate, a bad mother wouldn't kiss their scan photo every night or talk to their baby, a bad mother wouldn't love their child" Julie explained to Ethel knowing Ethel did love her baby, some people might think she was putting it on but she wasn't, Julie saw the look of pure love in her eyes when she saw her baby's scan photo, people can fake their facial expressions but they can't fake the feelings in their eyes.
"But people say I am like my mother" Ethel replied with a sigh sadly. She looked a lot like Ursula Hallow and the woman was manipulative and cruel and played games with people just like Ethel. People said she was like her all the time.
"I don't know much about your mother other than what I have heard" Julie admitted, she couldn't talk from experience even if she had only heard about her mother. "Yes Ethel you have some of your mother's traits but you are not her, you are much more gentle and caring and you know when you have done wrong, when you have truly done wrong, your mother always tries to blame everyone else even when she has been caught, she doesn't love her children, I mean who was it who was the one who came up with a solution to Esmerelda's lost powers?" Julie asked knowing if it wasn't for Ethel and the adults were still working on it, Esmerelda would have more chance of Agatha deciding she wanted to be good and return her powers than her getting them back through a different solution. Julie was not keen on Ada or Hecate right now anyway but between them two and Mr and Mrs Hallow they had been completely useless.
"I did that for me as always, for my own selfish gain, to impress my mother" Ethel replied with a shrug knowing she shouldn't be credited for Esmerelda having her powers returned because she had done it for selfish means.
"Okay I know you didn't do it for the right reasons but I know deep down it was for your sister as well, Sybil and Mildred told me how miserable you were last year and how you were struggling with school, I know deep down you wanted your sister back at the school more than anything and you then deicided it would be a good way to get your mother to notice you too, I mean who would go to the trouble of stealing the one thing that can get them expelled if they didn't want to help their sister at all" Julie told Ethel, trying everything to get her to understand. People had messed with the poor child and now she felt like she was a bad mother before she had even tried it.
"I am scared….what if I really am like my mother or Agatha like people say?" Ethel asked Julie biting her lip fearfully.
"Oh you aren't like Agatha, you went and saved your sister from a collapsing building with no concern for your own life, Agatha was prepared to let her sister be crushed to death as well as innocent children, you love people, something Agatha has never possessed" Julie told her before putting her arm around her and smiling.
"You have to prove everyone wrong Ethel, I know you can do it, I know you will be a good mother, but you have to believe it, ignore what everyone else thinks and just focus on being the best mother you can be to that little baby, and remember you aren't on your own, you have me and your sisters and Mildred" Julie told her as she touched her bump gently. Ethel smiled for the first time in days as if a weight had being lifted of her shoulders. Maybe she could do it, she loved her baby to death, she knew that, she would focus on being better than her parents ever were.
"Thank you" Ethel said sitting up slowly before suddenly hugging her. Julie kissed her head and cuddled her.
"I am just being truthful Ethel, is there anything else that has been bothering you" Julie asked and she saw Ethel look down awkwardly and knew there was something else that was bothering the young girl.
"What is it love?" Julie asked her seeing the fear in her eyes about whatever was worrying her.
"I am really scared of the birth, I am not good with pain, or brave, Esmerelda is the strong one not me, I don't know how I will cope with it" Ethel admitted. Now it was getting so close to this time she was terrified of how painful it was going to be. Julie decided to be straight with her, lying will only make it worse for the girl in the long run.
"I won't lie to you Ethel, it is bloody agony" Julie told the girl remembering how painful it had been when she had had Mildred. Julie saw Ethel turn pale at that, scared of the pain she would be in.
"But it is worth it, when you see your little baby the pain goes away" Julie reassured her not wanting the girl to be worrying herself sick about this.
Julie had never seen the girl look so terrified. In that moment she reminded of Sybil by the expression on her face and she knew Ethel had probably read books about how horrible childbirth was and scared herself.
"I don't know how I am going to deal with it…..I am scared of it" Ethel told Julie and the woman understood. She remembered when it had gotten close to having Mildred she worried about it all the time.
"You will be fine, you will have your sisters there and me, we aren't going to leave you alone" Julie told the blonde stroking her hair.
Ethel rubbed her bump calming down a little bit, knowing she shouldn't be panicking about something that had not happened yet.
"Are you all allowed to stay with me?" Ethel asked and Julie bit her lip not exactly sure. She wasn't a midwife after all. Normally it was just the mother and their partner or their birthing partner but if Julie pulled some strings, because of Ethel's age, and situation she might be able to bend the rules.
"I don't know Ethel but one of us can be with you at least" Julie told her stroking her hair more.
"Thank you" Ethel said again feeling better now she won't be all alone as she gave birth.
"That is no problem Ethel, If you need to talk about anything else I am here" Julie smiled and Ethel forced one back.
"What if they look like...the attacker?" Ethel asked. She loved her baby but the thought of seeing her rapist's face everyday scared her. Julie did not know how to reply to that, she can't say it won't as it might do. Children look like both their parents.
"We will deal with that when it comes to it" Julie told her kissing her head. Ethel yawned and Julie stood up and put a blanket over her.
"Have a nap honey, try not to panic" Julie told her kissing her forehead as the girl's eyes drifted close. Julie was happy, hoping she had managed to calm Ethel down a little bit and stayed watching her for a few minutes as she snored gently.