Garfield League of America Chapter Two: Uniting The League!
It was Saturday afternoon after Garfield's heroic defeat of London Bank Robbers and Garfield was getting ready to enjoy weekend relaxation in his swimming pool.
"There is nothing more satisfying than enjoying life after taking some life." Garfield said with contentment as he took a long sip from his apple lasagna martini and splashed the water on some of his giggling groupie babes.
"Hee hee hee Garfield tell us more about your latest adventures in manhood!" Begged the groupie babes as they ripped off bikini tops and shook mammoth mammaries glistening with droplets at smiling Garfield.
"Well it all started when I was in Londontown for the best lasagna and chips money can buy…" Began Garfield when suddenly urgently Jon Arbuckle burst onto pool deck with urgencies in face.
"Garfield Garfield come quickly I have caught intruder on premises!" Jon Arbuckle announced to Garfield.
"Hold tight babes I'll be back to drain your love pools before you know it!" Garfield reassured his groupies as he leapt into action, the hanging sun reflecting like a radiant sunrise upon Garfield's massive back muscles as he soared like hawk.
Garfield ran to souce of alarm, where tied up to a chair in the basement by Jon Arbuckle was silly looking beaten man dressed like Bat.
"What is the meaning of this tomfoolery breaking into my private sanctuary?" Asked Garfield as he slammed man against wall. Garfield then loaded a fresh clip into his Desert Eagle and took aim with barrel pressed against head. "Give me good answer or you will make fine new wall decoration."
"Garfield do not shoot I am world famous Bruce Wayne the Batman! I am come here in search of your help!" Said Batman as he took off his cowl and gave Garfield smile.
Hearing that it was Batman Garfield flew into a tranquil rage. Garfield then delivered righteous smack of justice across Batman's face knocking out half his teeth.
"Rodent Mockery of a Man!" Snarled Garfield with anger. "You help kill my friend Superman and still dare come to my home seeking my help? The only help you'll get from me are funeral arrangements."
Garfield then took out his katana for beheadings because it was personal. Batman sweated as he tried to think of way to saving own skin.
"Wait have mercy and listen!" Said Batman with weaselish quick thinking. "I am not true killer of Superman in fact I was framed by none other than Deep State Conspiracy!"
"What is this sudden revelation?" Said Garfield as he stopped katana mere millimeters from Batman's neck.
"Yes Garfield the Deep State Conspiracy has infiltrated all of American government and is hellbent on taking down Rich Philanthropists like me who only want to help make Great America Great Again." Said Batman with wink. "That is why I need your help because Deep State Conspiracy has tkaken Superman off Table and there is no one to stop their nefarious plans against real people of America!"
"Hmmm…" Garfield pondered before sparing Batmans life. "Your explanation seems hasty improvised but I see now reason to disbelieve you."
"Thank you Garfield!" Said Batman with relief. "Together we can stop the Deep State Conspiracys Alien Puppetmaster's invasion of America!"
"Stop the presses." Garfield said with sense-bringing slap to Batman again taking out the othehr half. "I may have agreed to spare your fool life but I did not agree to help you. Another simple alien invasion is nothing to concern busy man like me. Stop it yourself you lazy joker."
"Garfield listen this is not just any normal alien invasion! It is The Alien Invasion that only a Justice League of superior men like us can stop! Help me find the others not for my sake but for Americas sake! And if that is not enough…" Begged Batman as he fell to knees. As the disgusted Garfield turned to leave Batman slyly reached into his wallet and took out some lasagna and slid it over to Garfield. like smooth criminal.
"YOU DARE TO TRY AND BRIBE ME?" Roared Garfield with widefire of disappintment before stamping on Batman's arm with righteous wrath breaking it.
As Batman screamed Garfield grabbed Batman by the ears and lifted him up to meet his face of burning hero's judgment.
"Listen closely Batman. I am Garfield. I am a hero and role model to children everywhere. What sort of sick villain would I be to even consider a bribe and set a bad influence for Americas' future? Now I will help along with your Justice Dunces plan because I love America and I wll not let it come to harm. But try a stunt like that again and you will learn what it is like to be on receiving end of Vampire Bat feeding." Warned Garfield with stone cold warning.
"Whatever you say Garfield! Here have these dossiers! I will handle the rest so see you in Gotham when you are done!" Batman said like sycophantic kneeler as he handed Garfield folder with two metahuman persons of interest before running off.
"Well there are worse ways that I have wasted a wekkend other than playing dogcatcher." Garfield commented with half-interest as he skimmed through folders.
"Garfield! Will you be working again so soon?" Asked Jon Arbuckle with sympathies.
"Yes Jon Arbuckle I might be gone longer than expected. Make sure the hot tub doesn't get cold before I get back." Said Garfield with a wink as he unlocked door to garage to begin journey of hunt for the superpeople.
"You got it old friend!" Jon Arbuckle said as he and Garfield exchanged thumbs ups. As Garfield got into his Red Corvette and drove off Jon Arbuckle did cool slight of hand trick and produced several condoms before heading back to pool.
Garfield drove across stretches of American highway scenery before he reached his first destination on the outskirts of Central City. It was abandoned building in train yard littered to the brim with broken bums and the scent of sun-cooked fecal droppings.
"This is less crib of superhero and more crib of superzero." Garfield commented as he kicked down padlocked door and made his way into building. Inside Garfield saw lots of computer screens playing to his disgust Sissy Millennial Media like Rick & Morty and K-Pop.
Sighing with dawning disappoitments Garfield took a seat down in big leather swivel chair and waited like patient jungle jaguar for the arrival of prey.
Garfield fixed himself a lasagna cigar and as he blew fancy smoke rings in rushed black-hair pale millennial boy in red armor suit at super-speed. It was Barry Allen the Flash!
"Ugh I cant believe even with super-speed I cannot get to McDonalds in time for Szechuan Sauce Brunch!" Whined The Flash with poutiness and feet-stamping but then he noticed Garfield in his favorite chair causing dropping of jaw.
"McDonald's is the food of born losers and preschool dropouts. Why don't you eat lasagna like a real man?" Said Garfield with disdain, rubbing out cigar on chair arm leaving burn mark.
"Garfield what are you doing here this is my private property!" Asked The Flash with incredulousness.
"I thought that when I came here I would find superhero man like Superman. Instead I find slacker who cannot even afford proper home." Said Garfield with hard truths.
"Hey do not blame me I spent all my money on avocado toasts comic books and vinyl records. I cannot afford better than this it is not my fault!" Retorted The Flash with defensiveness of denial. "Now tell me truth of your intrusion before I throw you out!"
"I have come to draft you into war of saving world from alien invasion." Garfield announced as he stood up from chair.
"No Garfield I will not join you! War is bad and all problems can be solved with spamming Twitter hashtag. You are problematic and I cannot compromise my standing in socially just and ideologically pure woke circles by being caught working with you!" Said The Flash with regurgitated buzzwords as he shook his head and crossed his arms like whiny toddler.
With a smirk Garfield cracked hi sknuckles. "The Rolling Stones have great song called You Can't Always Get What You Want. I look forward to explaining the meaning to you, punk."
"Hahaha you will have to catch me first and I am unbeaten Central City King of Tag!" Said The Flash with cockiness as he sped off with flash of lightning.
The Flash ran through Central City like hyperactive pinball and continued to run until he was very well far from city and speeding through Midwest heartland of cornfield.s The Flash laughed like couhging epileptic parakeet as he thought he had left Garfield in the dust until he made mistake of looking over shoulder.
"What is this impossibilities? I am Fastest Man Alive no one can catch me!" Screamed The Flash with shock as he saw Garfield gaining without even a bead of sweat to show for it.
"Little boy you've never set foot outside kiddie pool. You have no right to call yourself Man." Garfield said with masculine authority as his fists became charged with power as he went neck to neck with The Flash.
"Nononononononono this cannot be happening!" The Flash wailed as Garfield overtook him and then drew fist back.
"Let me welcome you to Real Man's World. GARFIELD PUNCH!" Garfield roared as he delivered fist into Flashs face blasting him back with such velocity he flew around the globe seventeen times over.
"I must make a man out of you by beating these coward millennial poisons out of you." Said Garfield with older generations duty as he picked The Flash out of toppled wreckage of Leaning Pisa Tower where he had landed.
Garfield then took The Flash to one of his safehouses back in American city of New York City. Garfield proceeded to strap The Flash to a chair and duct taped headphones playing all-time Heavy Metal Classics in his ears.
"This lyrical content triggers my boiling blood to anxietypain I demand you take me to my safe space!" The Flash begged as he convulsed and frothed upon first time exposrue to some real music.
"The world is not a safe space. This is for your own good bucko. Somehow I'll make a man out of you." Garfield said with tought loving as he pried The Flashs eyelids open and put on television screen loop of classic film Commando.
Garfield left The Flash where he was with plans to pick him up later when he had finally been remade into a man. Garfield got back into his Red Corvette and drove off in search of the machine man known as Cyborg. Garfield followed his GPS showing all the top secret routes until he arrived at Top Secret STAR Labs facility where the Cyborg was. Garfield sped onwards but screeched to a stop as he arrived at security gate.
"Halt Garfield you may be legendary All American Hero but you still need proper clearances to enter!" Said Securitymen at Gate as they cocked M16s at Garfield as he stepped out of his Red Corvette.
"Here is my clearance!" Garfield said as he rolled up his sleeve and flexed his muscles. Unprepared for the unleashed grandeur of Garfields musculature as the setting sun glared off biceps like city on fire the Securitymen could only fall to their knees in horror as the full ignorance and insignificance of their lives dawned on them.
"I stop for no masters." Garfield passed the writhing Securitymen with no pity as they rolled on the floor and clawed eac h others eyes out unable to look into the face of God for a second lnger.
Inside STAR Labs Garfield walked through sterile white corridors dimly lit by blue fluorescent lights past rooms full of scientists in lab coats doing mad science things. DNA was spliced together, machine and flesh melded together, and inner worlds not meant to be seen were breached amongst many other horrors and wonders of man's experimental wanderlust.
As Garfield neared a door that said Cyborg's Room he heard moaning whining and other sounds that were positively unmanlike emanating from within.
"Have I been sent to retrieve a man or a monster?" Garfield wondered as he lifted his leg and kicked donw the door. In middle of room sitting on couch there was a hooded figure watching between his chrome hands a hologram recording of football game.
"I was destined to be star quarterback to lead America to worldwide football glory in World Cup but now I am damned to spend eternity as monster in the dark watching glories that could have been mine." Said the man as he shut off the football game. "You might as well turn back now Garfield there is nothing for you here."
The hooded man stood up and as he turned around he removed his hood showing that he was amalgamation of machine consuming what was once man. On one end a forlorn lone eye gazed back at Garfield while at the other end there was just red void. Garfield recoiled back in disgust as he saw what had been done to this man's potential. It was the Cyborg!
"Yes Garfield I know why you are here. I saw on hijacked video feed what you did to bank robbers in London and many other villains. You kill monsters and at last you have come to put this monster out of his misery!" Said Cyborg as he made melodramatic crying sounds falling to his knees in front of Garfield as his metal hands clasped together like Biblical prayer beggar.
"What has gotten into you tin man? Pull the pins out of your head I am not here to kill you I am here to recruit you." Said Garfield as he shook his head with disgusts.
"I know what you want of me but I cannot! How can I save mankind when I AM MONSTER WHO WILL NEVER BE MAN AGAIN!" Contineud Cyborg as he bawled uncontrollably.
"Oh shut up already." Garfield slapped Cyborg with his iron palm over and over. "The only robot man allowed to know of crying is The Terminator and you sure as hell aren't Arnold. Real men are not made by their creeds or backgrounds or compositions. No we are defined by our flame-forged wills, our determination to never back down from the good fight or be dragged down by the weight of tragedy! How can you be sure you are no longer man if you have not even tried to be one?"
"But Garfield when I was pieced back from the accident that took my manhood I was left with nothing! No heart, no brain and worst of all no love pump. How can I climb back up this cliff?" Said Cyborg as he wiped oil tears from eye.
"That love pump may be problem in future but this is America." Said Garfield as he took out his Walkman to play his heartrocking song of patriotism "Lasagna Won't Back Down" to accompany his motivational speech and stuck earbuds into Cyborgs ears. "When has anyone ever needed a heart or a brain to make it in the land of the free? Just look at who is in the Oval Office!"
"You are right Garfield!" Said Cyborg with epiphany. "I was so content to waddle in self-loathing that I didn't realize that even though I am now more machine than man I am still man! I hated myself knowing what I once was but now I want to love myself knowing what I can be!"
"Now hit me with your best shot." Said Garfield with some growing interest.
With a burst of blinding light Cyborg lifted himself into the air his feet transformed into jet boots. Parting his legs Cyborg sprouted himself an impressive ten-meter plantium love pump that shot out geysers of slick black splooge earning a thumbs-up from Garfield while his hands morphed into heavy sci-fi artillery. With first laugh in ages Cyborg fired on all cylinders killing random passerby scientists then boomboxes blaring Iron Maiden sprouted from his back and he rocketed into the sky doing loop-de-loops and other fancy flying moves.
"Thank you Garfield for showing me the way. I will be sure to meet you in Gotham City." Said Cyborg as he sprouted awesome looking faceplate and with sonic boom flew away.
"What is this. Cyborg should be moping not flying." Said exasperated Scientist Man as he burst into room. It was Dr Silas Stone the father of Cyborg. "Garfield what have you done?"
"Nothing more than push him to realize the man still within." Garfield remarked as he admired the last trails of his handiwork in the sky.
"That will not do I arranged accident to turn my son Victor into Cyborg so that I could do experiments on him to find science knowledge now he is gone and with him all my progress and hopes of winning awards! You think that a man's freedom are anything compared to the demands of scienticfic process? You will pay for this Garfield!" Silas Stone snarled with selfishness as he pulled out syringe filled with deadly Morticoccus virus and rushed at Garfield.
With a sigh, Garfield sidestepped and the idiotic Silas Stone rushed headfirst into bookcse. Football trophies and other lethal objects fell on him causing him to back into a shelf where a jar of marbles was. AS the glass broke and marbles spilled Silas Stone slipped on them and landed eyefirst on his own syringe. As Silas Stone screamed and thrashed fumbling in attempt to pull needle out of eye Garfield grabbed him by the neck and lifted him high up.
"You know when they say its brains over brawn? They lie." Garfield said with no mercy as he applied slow crushing pressure with his iron-pumped hand to Silas Stone's neck until he popped Silas Stones brain out of his skull like squeezing open a bag of Lasagna Lays. Garfield then grabbed the brain in mid-air and threw it against the wall like unwanted child before blasting it apart in a splatter of chunks with a dead eye shot from his Desert Eagle.
Taking a canister of gasoline that he found among Cyborg's old things, Garfield began making a trail as he made his back out. As cowardly scientists scrambled away in his wake, Garfield light a lasagna cigarette and cooly took a puff before throwing it over his shoulder onto the gasoline.
Garfield sped off in his Red Corvette as STAR Labs exploded behind him, taking all its foul findings and experiments with it.
"If science has forgotten the value of humanity then we might as well forget science." Garfield said without looking back as he drove down the highway to Gotham City having done his part. With the League surey assembled it was only matter of time before things got real and Garfield was eager to be in the middle of the alien fighting action as always.
To be continued…