I wake up around 5am to find both Andrea and Jake fast asleep, each with their heads on my chest. Not able to resist, I run my fingers through Andrea's hair, taking in the scent of her shampoo. She stirs slightly, but doesn't open her eyes. I press a light kiss into her hair, knowing this will wake her up gently. She looks up into my eyes and I melt into them; I have to use all my willpower to fight the instinct to pull her on top of me and kiss her deeply. Her eyes tell me she is thinking exactly the same thing as me.
"Come on" she whispers, giving me a longing look before crawling out of the bed.
Untangling myself from Jake, I follow her curiously. We end up in the kitchen where she pushes me forcefully up against the fridge, ravishing my mouth with hers.
"Couldn't resist," she says with a smile when we break apart for air.
"Me either," I reply, pulling her back into me to return to our passionate make out session.
When we pull apart for the second time, we both notice Jake watching us from the kitchen doorway. "What'cha doing dad?" the young boy asks curiously.
"Erm," I hesitate trying to come up with an explanation.
"Trying to decide what to make for breakfast," Andrea replies for me, "How do waffles sound?"
"Yummy," Jake says forgetting his original question, "can I help?" he adds.
"Sure," Andrea replies for me, stepping over to the other side of the kitchen to get the supplies out of the cupboards.
I take a minute to catch my breath before joining them in making breakfast waffles.
"Have you thought anymore about what you are going to do?" Andrea asks me.
"I've got no idea," I reply, "Have you decided what you are going to tell Honey and Yvonne about me showing up at your door last night?"
"That's easy, I'll tell Honey you came to discuss a case I've been helping out on, and I'll tell Yvonne it was to discuss the other night at the pub; they will believe that, and Yvonne will know not to push for more information."
"Good idea," I mumble still lost in thought about everything that's happened in the past few days.
I wonder how long Philippa has been seeing this other bloke; I know I've been spending less and less time at home but this was the last thing I was expecting. Lost in my thoughts, I don't hear Andrea speaking to me.
"What time does Jake need to be at school for and did you bring the things he needs?"
"In the car," I reply automatically.
I don't notice at first how domesticated this entire morning is turning out to be. I don't remember when it was that I became so used to Andrea's flat and routines that I learnt to integrate myself into them so well, it's as if we've been doing this for a lot longer than we have.
"Where did you put the keys, I'll get his stuff," Andrea replies, sounding a bit frustrated; I must have zoned out again.
"In the tray," I reply.
"Ok, back in a bit," she says, placing the breakfast on the table and encouraging me and Jake to sit down and eat.
As promised, it's not long before Andrea returns from my car with Jake's bag. She puts it down near the bathroom door before joining us for breakfast.
Once we have all finished eating and put the dirty dishes in the sink, Andrea helps me get Jake ready for school and we both get ourselves ready for work.
"Look Neil, you need to get your head around all this and you need to sort out what you are going to do. I think it would be a good idea for you to have a proper discussion with Philippa tonight. If it helps, I can watch Jake for the evening to give you the chance to sort things out without interruptions."
"You wouldn't mind?" I ask surprised she's being so helpful under the circumstances.
"Of course not," she replies; "I promised I'd help you get through this, and I meant every word I said. Nothing about this entire situation is pretty, and I've got a feeling it's going to get worse before it gets better; but I care about you; a lot more than I probably should, and I will do everything I can to help you out. If that means babysitting your son whilst you talk to your wife and sort things out, then that's fine with me. It will be fun."
"Are you sure you will be ok with him, he can be a handful at times?" I ask, not knowing if she has ever had much to do with young children.
"Neil, I used to babysit my cousin's kids all the time when I was up in Scotland, I think we will be fine for one evening," she tells me.
"Ok," I nod, confirming acceptance of her idea, "Would you be able to pick him up from school too? I know it's asking a lot, but it would really help me out."
"Sure," she replies, "but I better go with you this morning to drop him off, so the school know who I am. They can be funny about things like that."
"Great," I say, glad we've got things sorted out.
We finish getting ready for work and all head out together. "I left my car at the station last night," Andrea informs me.
Luckily that works out well for us. "I'll drop you off," I reply.
We head first to Jake's school to get him settled. I take a few minutes to explain to the teacher that Andrea is a family friend and will be picking him up from school this afternoon. After saying our goodbyes, we carry on to the station.
"Do you want me to drop you off in the yard or around the corner?" I ask, knowing we need to be careful how we are seen together.
"On the corner," Andrea says after a minute; "Best not to give anyone anything to talk about unnecessarily, we both know how fast rumours spread round the station."
"Ok," I confirm, dropping her off in our usual spot; "Come up and see me later?" I add hopefully.
"Ok," she confirms, planting a kiss on my cheek before shutting the door and walking the rest of the way to the station.
I drive past her a few seconds later and up on arriving at the station, I head straight up to my office to catch up on all the reports I need to get through.
Around lunchtime Andrea comes up to my office a pile of files in her hand. "Are those for me?" I ask, inviting her inside and encouraging her to close the door behind her.
"Yeah, my excuse for coming up here," she adds with a sly smile.
I meet her eyes, a silent conversation passing between us. "Honey and Yvonne were full of questions about last night," she informs me; "I stuck to the story but I can tell Yvonne knows there is more to it than I let on. She even asked if you'd showed up unannounced like that before. I told her that it was the first time, and that although you have dropped me off a few times, you had only been inside once before the night we went to the pub. I'm hoping she believes me."
"Mmm," I hum, not knowing how to reply to her confession.
We stand in silence for a minute before I take the files from her and take them over to the filing cabinet, the only part of my office not visible from the outside.
She follows me, standing beside me as I file the folders in the correct places. As I close the filing cabinet drawer, I bring my hands up to rest on the sides of her face, in the same way as I have done millions of times before. "Thank you," I say to her before pulling her into me for a kiss, "for everything," I add deepening the kiss and flashing back to this morning. Wishing we could take this further but knowing we are both at work, and have got a lot of things to sort out before we can move forward in our personal lives.
Reluctantly we pull apart, both flushed and breathless. "When this whole thing is sorted out, we will do something together; just you and me. I think we need it."
I feel her nod against me as I pull her back in for another passion filled kiss before she has to go. "See you later," I promise wishing she didn't have to go, but knowing she has to; we have already spent way too much time in here, the others in the office are going to get suspicious soon.
That evening after work, I return home at a semi-reasonable time, intent of catching Philippa off-guard and giving me the edge in this coming discussion.
As soon as she sees me she glares at me demanding to know where Jake is.
"He's with a colleague," I reluctantly reassure her, "Don't worry, he's perfectly safe, which is more than I can say about the way you left him unsupervised last night whilst you was off playing with your bit on the side."
The sharp look I give her dares her to contradict me. "It's not what you think and Jake was perfectly safe," she replies sharply.
"It looked it," I reply sarcastically; "When I got in he was playing with a knife near to the hot oven, which if I hadn't got back and switched off when I did, would have burnt the entire house down. When I asked him where you were and why you wasn't watching him, he pointed upstairs towards the bedrooms where I found you fast asleep, completely naked and wrapped around your toy boy. What the hell were you playing at? Who the hell is he? And how long has this been going on," I say my voice raising with each word.
"First of all, lower your voice," Philippa snaps back equally as loud, "Second; if you actually came home once in a while, I wouldn't have to look elsewhere for attention. You never seem to leave that damn office, you haven't been home more than once or twice in a week for months. What did you expect? Me to spend all my time looking after the house and Jake when you're always off doing God knows what? Who have you been seeing behind my back? And don't even bother to deny it, I can tell."
"But you haven't been looking after the house or Jake have you? Every time I do come home the house looks like a hurricane has just ripped through it, Jake is either in his room or running around unsupervised, it's a miracle he hasn't been seriously hurt or worse. What's your excuse? And maybe I would come home more often if I didn't get such a harsh reception."
"Your just trying to blame me for your own mistakes," Philippa replies in a high-pitched tone, "Where are you when Jake needs looking after or feeding or picking up from school? Oh yeah that's right, your off with that bimbo you can't stop sniffing around. You have no right to judge me when you are doing the same thing."
I feel a pang of guilt hit me at her words. Have I been subconsciously driving a wedge between us for all this time? Am I also to blame for this situation we now find ourselves in?
Taking a deep breath to steady my thoughts, I sink down in the chair at the table. "Where do we go from here?" I ask feeling defeated.
"You tell me?" Philippa says, "You're the one who never comes home and is never there for me or our son. What do you want Neil? Because I can't keep going on like this."
She sinks down in the chair beside me, also looking exhausted and defeated.
"Me either," I mumble, realizing that it's this that I've been hiding from all these months; my affair with Andrea an escape from my problems, at least for a while, yet also adding to them. Maybe I've been subconsciously been using it as an excuse to not have to deal with my problems at home.
I know my feelings for Andrea are real, but I should have dealt with the problems in my marriage before starting anything with her, I realize.
"I don't know what to say; how to fix this," I state with a sigh of frustration, "can this situation even be fixed?"
"Do you love her?" Philippa asks me, surprising me with her question.
I hesitate slightly before answering; "Yes," I confirm, finally admitting that I have also been seeing someone else.
She nods, letting my admission sink in. "Do you still love me?"
I hesitate longer this time, and obviously this is the wrong answer as she continues speaking before I can answer.
"We should go for a trial separation. This whole situation is making us both miserable and we can't carry on the way we have been. We are just hurting ourselves as well as the other people in our lives."
"I still care about you," I state trying to gain some ground.
"As I do you; but let's face facts Neil, this isn't working, we have both been turning to other people to fill the gap in our marriage when all it's doing is pushing a bigger wedge between us and hurting Jake. We need to do something to fix this situation. Your earlier response proves you are no longer in love with me, if you ever really were. We need to take a step back and discover what it is we really want in life; and something tells me we will be better off apart. We will still be in each other's lives, but in a different context to what we've been used to. It will be strange at first, but I believe only good things can come from it. No more secrets, no more lies, and no more sneaking around behind each other's backs. Surely that can only be a good thing. I'm giving you what you want here, whether you realize it or not. I'm giving you the freedom to go off with this woman, whoever she is, and not have to lie to me about it. I think we will both be much happier."
"What about Jake?" I ask letting her words sink in and realizing she's right.
"We can work out a shared custody agreement. He is your son and I won't stop you from seeing him as I hope you would do the same for me, but we do need to come to some sort of arrangement so that he's not bounced around between us. We both work long hours, so we need to come up with something that will work for all of us."
"Ok," I agree, glad she doesn't have any plans to stop me from seeing my son, "How about alternate weekends? And we let him decide who he would prefer to live with in the week?"
"I can live with that," Philippa agrees, "What about holidays? And the house?" she adds.
"We can take it in turns for holidays. What do you want to do about the house?"
"If you don't have any objections, you are never here and all my work is here; I'd prefer to stay here;" she explains looking hopeful.
"Ok," I agree. "I will start looking for somewhere else tomorrow. I will have to leave my stuff here until I find somewhere, but I will make sure I'm not here any more often than I truly need to be and I won't just barge in unannounced. I'll just pack a bag of essentials for now."
"Ok," we both agree on something, a challenge that we haven't been able to overcome for a long time.
"Jake might have to stay here until I can find somewhere suitable. He's OK for tonight, but until I know where I am going to stay, it would be best for him to have some security. I'll drop him off after work tomorrow."
"Ok," we both agree.
"This is for the best Neil," Philippa reassures me as I pack a bag of essentials for myself and add in a few things for Jake. "Look after yourself," she adds as I take one last look around before leaving, feelings of both sadness and relief filling me.
It's during the drive to Andrea's that I realize how much this has been weighing me down for the past few months and the further away from the house I get, the lighter I feel.
Arriving outside Andrea's door I feel a feeling of relief fill me and I hope she will be willing to let me stay with her until I can find myself somewhere to live.
She opens the door almost as soon as I've knocked on it. "Hi, how'd it go?" she asks me looking me up and down for signs of cuts and bruises.
I step inside and smile widely at her. "It's over," I confirm, "We are going for a trial separation, 6-12 months and if we still feel the same way about the situation we will be filing for divorce."
"What about Jake?" she pries.
"Shared custody," I confirm, "Alternate weekends."
"I don't know what to say," Andrea breaths out, "How do you feel about it all?"
"Relieved," I confirm, "We should have talked out a solution to our problems a long time ago; maybe if we had we wouldn't have hurt each other as much as we have and I could have done this without the constant feelings of guilt," I add kissing her with a passion so deep it felt explosive.
Pulling apart slightly to catch my breath, I ask, "Where's Jake?"
"He's asleep in the spare room."
"I didn't know you had a spare room," I state, wondering how I could have missed it.
"I don't really, but I turned a really large closet into an office with a sofa bed," she explains, "it makes for a great guest room."
"Right," I confirm.
"So...," I begin feeling lost for the first time in a long time.
"How about a nice cuppa and a movie," Andrea suggests to take my mind off things for a little while; "You've had a really stressful few days and need to relax and get some rest. Everything else can wait until tomorrow."
"Ok," I confirm.
"Sit," she encourages me, pushing me down onto the sofa, before heading to the kitchen to make the drinks.
I try to get up to help but she reminds me to stay put and relax with a sharp "Stay!"
A few minutes later, Andrea joins me on the sofa, putting the drinks down on the coffee table, before curling into me and massaging my shoulders.
"Philippa is keeping the house, I've got to start looking at flats tomorrow," I state with a sigh.
"You're welcome to stay here as long as you want," Andrea answers my unasked question reassuringly, "You and Jake."
"Thanks," I reply sleepily.
"Come on," she encourages me, "Let's go to bed and get some rest.
Just to sleep."
I silently follow her as she locks up and knocks all the lights off. We climb into the bed and instinctively wrap ourselves around each other, falling asleep quite quickly.