Garfield League of America Chapter 5: Crisis on Intimate Earths!
It was sometime past midnight and the Justice League had reconvened at the Batcave underneath Wayne Manor to await the return of Garfield. Batman was downing entire bottles of whiskey one at a time, as the rest of the Justice League argued.
"Where is Garfield?" Demanded The Flash as he zipped from corner to corner of the Batcave in despondent impatience. "I do not like to stay up real late past my bedtime!"
"Shush you foolish addled child!" Wonder Woman said with sternnes as she stuck her arm out with suddenness as the Flash zipped past and almost snapped his neck in two with impact. "Have faith in the timely reutrn of Garfield forwhen has he ever let us done?"
"Many times in fact!" Roared Aquaman with irritability as he tugged on his beard. "I was having good time as King of Atlantis and I looked much more dashing too before I met Garfield! Now I am rugged hairy mess and my only throne is that communal filth!" Aquaman added as he tossed his trident into the bathroom door with anger.
"Enough I will not have this slander of our glorious orange leader!" Wonder Woman roared as she grabbed hold of Aquaman's tiny hushpuppies and began squeezing to vent stress.
"Come on Wonder Woman can't you not realize that Aquaman is right?" The Flash implored as he struggled to get up from where he was cratered on the floor. "Garfield has made ruins of all our lives!"
"Speak for yourself but not for me." Cyborg interjected as he looked up from hacking the Batcomputer. "Garfield has made my life shine twenty times brighter than a supernova."
"Well of course it is easy for your life to improve when even less than 3/5th of you counts as human!" The Flash said with dogwhistling history.
"You meaning to say what I think you meaning?" Cyborg said with anger as he turned his arm into a disintegrator cannon and got ready to blast The Flash. Suddenly Cyborg launched into a bullying tirade. "What have you ever done you useless red muppet but run around and make bad jokes? In fact I oughta charge up a super-cannon and atomize your empty head right now!"
"ENOUGH!" Wonder Woman yelled to shut Cyborg up as she ripped off Aquaman's genitals and shoved her sword in the wound in frustration. With one shriveled man pearl in each hand she approached The Flash and Cyborg before forcing them to swallow and shut up.
"Aaaaagggggh!" Aquaman cried as blood splutered and he bled to death. And that was the death of Aquaman.
"Wonder Woman you just killed Aquaman!" Batman said as he snapped out of his drunken stupor before throwing his head on desk.
"Damn right I did!" Wonder Woman slammed her hand down on desk splitting it into splinters. "And where were you to stop me before I did it? When Garfield is not around you claim to be our de facto leader! So now lead dammit!"
"Damn you Wonder Woman can you not see that our team is in shambles? How can any of this be led much less salvaged?" Batman cried with pain as he started pulling splinters out of his face.
"Our team has only fallen apart because we have lost our faith in Garfield!" Wonder Woman explained with steadfastedness. "Batman we must unite through Garfield or otherwise we will fall divided."
"Wonder Woman you have to let Garfield go! You must accept that even the great Garfield has fallen to the Deep State's might! Oh life is so hollow and we are all doomed!" Batman said as he returned to absolving himself with drink.
"Oh why do I bother?" Wonder Woman slapped herself on head with palm before issuing declarative statement as she viewed the excuses for superheroes before her. "All men are pathetic!"
Suddenly the elevator came down and all turned their heads to see who it was.
"Then it is quite fortunate that our guest of honor is something more than just a man!" Alfred said as the doors opened and he got out of the way with a stylish flourish. From behind Alfred strolled Garfield, with the briefcase of deep state secrets slung around his shoulder and in his arms were the Suicide Squad gals Harley Quinn and Katana tied up and gagged.
"Hey, Wonder Toots. Heard you missed me?" Garfield winked with charm as he passed by Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman bljushed before regining he composure. "Sorry Garfield, but my concern is strictly that of a co-worker and friend!"
"Keep insisting that, my Mediterranean Majesty. Keep insisting. Just sounds sexier every time you say it." Garfield smiled suavely as Wonder Woman's legs began to quiver more at the sound of every syllable.
"GARFIELD?" Exclaimed Batman with surprise. "But we thought that you were-"
"Yes, yes, the Suicide Squad lived up their name when they dared tangle with me. And the Deep State is now six feet deep." Garfield said with nonchalance as he threw the Deep State secrets into Batman's chest, knocking him down. Garfield then walked to the Bat-chair in front of the Batcomputer and swiveled around. Cyborg transformed into a leg-rest, and Garfield crossed his mighty feet and swung them onto Cyborg. Instinctively, with all thoughts of rebellion quashed, The Flash limped forward and began to shine Garfield's battle-dusted boots with a whimper. Alfred then brought up to Garfield a bottle of lasagna wine grown in America's very own Napa Valley, alongside a piping hot fresh dish of the finest lasagna with an exotic fifty two cheese blend representing each state of America the Capitol City and its beloved territory of Puerto Rico plus the meat of a hundred and one critically endangered animals mixed amongst the noodles and sauce.
"Ah, now this is the life!" Garfield breathed an exuberant breath of satisfaction as he forked lasagna into his mouth.
"Garfield what about the secrets of the Deep State! Surely we must decipher them in great detail!" Batman said with consideration.
To this Garfield merely shrugged before laughing.
"Batman, do I look like an unpaid bottom-feeder intern in megacorporation? The paperwork is all yours, chum." Hearing this, Batman ripped open the briefcase and began maniacally zipping through files, eager to please.
"What will you be doing then?" Wonder Woman asked as Garfield finished his lasagna with a burp that was louder than a kaiju roar.
"Interrogating these fine bad girls will keep me up all night." Garfield said with anticipation as he slung Harley Quinn and Katana over his shoulders. Futilely the villainesses pounded their tiny woman fists on Garfield's back but went unnoticed as Garfield walked back to the elevator.
"Interrogation?" Wonder Woman said eagerely perking up and began to feverishly twist and tug her lasso. "On Themyscira the Paraside Island I mastered its ways! Please Garfield let me help you!"
"Sorry but this is a high-risk job that requires the finesse and touch of a Man." Garfield explained as the two went up to a hall of Wayne Manor that Garfield had converted into another one of his pleasure palaces on his way down earlier. "And as you have clarified so many times, you may be a Wonder, but you are all Woman."
Shocked, Wonder Woman stopped dead in her tracks and could only watch Garfield as he descended further down the hallway as nearly-naked maids rushed out of the closets to greet him. Wonder Woman tried to open her mouth, to beg him to let her tag along, but she could not find the right words. Not even the resolve to part her lips. She could only drop to her knees and once more watch the man go to his destiny. Without Her.
"Alfred, the room, if you will." Garfield asked as he neared the master bedroom. With a bow, Alfred opened the door for Garfield.
"All jazzed up to your specifications, Master Garfield." Alfred said as he tossed Garfield a ring of golden keys.
"Thanks, Alfred. I'll take it from here." Garfield and Alfred high-fived and exchanged thumbs-ups as Garfield closed the door behind him and turned on the power switch. The room came alive in a neon wonderland of swirling lights, as 1970s disco classics that triggered erotic heat played on the stereo. Garfield walked passed theater stages where nude women did live reenactments of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, passed the dance orgy field, passed combat circles where busty blondes smeared from head to toe in lasagna wrestled. Delights to be certain, but side dishes at the best. In the middle of it all was an ivory throne for Garfield. And here he was to consume the main course.
Garfield set Harley Quinn and Katana down. He wiped off the messy splotches of ruined make-up that ran down Harley Quinn's tear-stained face, and took off Katana's Rising Sun Mask to expose himself to her full Oriental features. Garfield then took the seat at his throne, one leg over the other knee with an assured smile as he beckoned for some maids to remove the restraints and gags on Harley Quinn and Katana.
Fiddling his fingers, Garfield posed with a casual tone the question that would start the proceedings.
"So, ladies, tell me. Why did you ambush me on my way here?"
"To get you back for killing my precious Mistah J!" Harley Quinn yelled at him, spittle flying at Garfield. With an expectant sigh, Garfield snapped his fingers, a spark of static electricity flying from his tips and intercepting the spit in mid-air.
"You brutalize woman and drag them into your private palaces where they are helpless before your sick intentions? What sort of man are you?" Asked Katana with infuriation.
"The best kind." Garfield chuckled. Hearing this both Harley Quinn and Katana shrieked like harpies breaking the sound barrier. They then grabbed their fallen weapons and leapt at Garfield with murder in their eyes.
"Your warped soul will make a fine addition to my collection as we avenge the deaths of our comrades!" Katana swore with avenging as she unsheathed her Katana Soultaker and slashed at Garfield's heart.
"You will wish you spared my Pudding!" Harley Quinn wailed as she swung a baseball bat at Garfield.
Garfield only laughed with not a single sign of fear as he caught Katana's katana in-between his two fingers. He then intercepted Harley Quinn's baseball bat with his other hand.
"Beauty of the East, you will find that some souls are not so easily sucked. And you, Harley Quinn, should realize that pudding is nothing but fattening. Why not try some lasagna for a change?" Garfield then lifted applied some pressure and disintegrated their weapons. Harley Quinn and Katana gapped in shock before Garfield grabbed them by the necks. Lifting them into the air, Garfield smiled as he watched the bad girls squirm and kick their dainty scant lady legs. Garfield then drew his arms back and slammed Harley Quinn and Katana's breasts into each other with such force that their clothes were shattered into filaments.
Garfield then released the now naked ladies and watched as they moaned before him helpless.
"What are you going to do to us Garfield?" Harley Quinn fearfully asked as she and Katana clutched each other, their pale sweaty bodies rubbing together.
"You have both been very bad girls. But I am willing to let you off the hook for your crimes as long as you do your penance…" Garfield paused for dramatic reveal as he took out a lasagna cigarette and smoked it. Blowing out his smoke in a fancy spiral, he finished by unzipping his pants for maximum effect. "…on your knees."
Katana and Harley Quinn looked at Garfield then each other than Garfield again before nodding.
"Very well Garfield we accept. PUNISH US LIKE THE SINNERS WE ARE!" Harley Quinn and Katana begged as they threw themselves at Garfield's feet. Laughing again Garfield took out a remote control and pressed it and his throne flipped over to reveal a bed covered in fine silk sheets that smelled simultaneously of nostalgia and the future. The best of both worlds.
"And punish you I will! This is the court of love and I am your judge jury and executioner!" Garfield proclaimed as he drew out his belt and began beating Harley Quinn across the back with it as she and Katana began to make out forcing their tongues into their mouths while fingering each other.
Harley Quinn and Katana then swapped places. While Katana licked the red wounds made by Garfield's belt Garfield got ready to pound his gavel in Harley Quinn's mouth.
"I declare oral in the court." Said Garfield with clever entredre as Harley Quinn bent over and sucked like no one had ever sucked before. Garfield unleashed the load of champions in Harley Quinn and at his command she rolled over and transferred it into Katana's mouth with a kiss. Katana moaned as she swallowed it and felt it travel down her system and she fell onto her back, screaming for more.
"Call tonight Hiroshima cause my love is going atomic." Garfield said as he obliged Katana and penetrated her with his nuclear warhead. Garfield then began making thrusts into Katana while Harley Quinn sat on her face. Katana's eyes rolled back with the delirium of absolute bliss as she absorbed the moistness of Harley Quinn's wet bush and began to eat the Clown Princess out.
Meanwhile outside Garfield's chambers of love Wonder Woman weakly crawled to the door. She tried opening it but it was locked. She pressed her ear to the knob and could hear every note of the lovemaking symphony that Garfield composed.
A single tear ebbed from a corner of a blue eye.
"I should be there with them. No, it should be just me with Garfield." Wonder Woman realized with a choked wail.
Inside came the sound of Katana shrieking as he came, and Harley Quinn giggling like a drugged hyena as Garfield started spanking her.
"What if I will never be with him now?" Wonder Woman said to herself fearfully. With that, tears became streams.
Wonder Woman, continuing to listen to the sounds of Garfield making love to Harley Quinn and Katana in ways that not even she knew were possible, spread her legs. She pulled her Hippolyta's Secret underwear off, and threw it aside. Continuing to sniffle, Wonder Woman began to finger herself imagining what Garfield was doing to Harley Quinn and Katana wishing it was her he was doing them to.
Garfield continued making sweet hardcore love to the Suicide Squad girls for a full day, until it was another midnight.
"I declare you two guilty, I sentence you to life in my den of love." Said Garfield with judgment as he rose up with a silent shout (aka a yawn) from the sheets stained new colors with the fruits of their romantic entanglement.
"Oh Garfield you are so righteous we get the punishment we deserve." Harley Quinn moaned as she writhed in bliss and it would another two full moons before she would regain complete usage of her legs.
"Please do not leave us we still have many hours of community service left to service you." Begged Katana as she reached for her man as Garfield left the bed and lit himself another cigarette.
"Do not fret Tokyo Rose, cause I am TNT and I still got loads to blow in your mouth." Said Garfield with teasing as he reached his liquor cabinet looking for the scotch. Seeing that he was all out Garfield went to the door to look for a refill.
However as Garfield opened the door slightly he saw a curious sight. It was Wonder Woman weeping while curled up in fetal position covered in the shameful ejection of her womanly selfpleasuring.
"My fair Lady Diana!" Garfield shouted with some concern as he shook her awake. "Princess are you okay?"
"Garfield do not look at me. I am shame to all of existence." Wonder Woman begged as she tried to look away from Garfield's caring eyes that were brighter than any diamond.
"Do not say that about yourself. You have always been strong independent female woman of confidence." Said Garfield with reassurance.
"No I have been alive for four and a half millennia but just now I have made the greatest mistake of my life." Wonder Woman cried as she struggled to her bum.
"And what mistake would that be?" Garfield asked curiously as both their hearts began to beat faster, like rocketships in launch.
"Many years ago I lost Steve Trevor the First Love of My Life who showed me there was more to life than womanhood, that there is also time for manhood." Wonder Woman said suddenly as she clamped her hands onto Garfield's shoulders and planted kiss on his lips before pulling back and looking him blank in eye. "For decades I was afraid of becoming close to any man again if I lost them as well. But I cannot hide from what I want anymore. All fear be damned. Garfield OOH I NEED YOUR LOVING TONIGHT!"
"Say no more, Babe. Say no more. I am all yours." Said Garfield with a promise as he reciprocated the kiss.
Garfield kicked down the door to his pleasure palace with Wonder Woman in his arms. He had foud no scotch but here was something even better.
"Scram the Princess is here and I need no paupers in our way." Garfield motioned for Katana and Harley Quinn to leave the room. While Harley Quinn and Katana got dressed and ran out maids quickly prepared fresh sheets for the bed.
"Only the best for you my island diamond." Said Garfield with gentleness as he laid Wonder Woman down onto the bed. "But now I am afraid it is No More Mister Nice Guy."
"Oh Garfield I do not care let us be bad for just this night." Wonder Woman said as she removed her brassiere and shook her majestic breasts at Garfield.
"Get ready for some divine loving." Garfield warned her as he dropped his pants and penetrated her with a rod of godly lightning.
"YES YES GARFIELD LET ME BE THE SHEATH FOR YOUR SWORD." Wonder Woman shrieked as Garfield thrusted against her, getting deeper and deeper with every strike.
Garfield rode Wonder Woman like Alexander the Great rushing on chariot into battle. The force and passion of their lovemaking imbued their bodies with a fierce magnetism that blasted the walls of Wayne Manor apart like a new Tunguska Explosion. Every thrust Garfield made in Wonder Woman registered and broke the Richter Scale and tidal waves smashed into every coastal city destroying buildings with a power that could only be called that of love. Oblivious to everything but their love and serving no masters not even gravity Garfield and Wonder Woman rose into the sky even as they continued their romantic tryst.
"Look up in the sky!" Said one passerby.
"Is it a bird?" Asked another. "Is it a plane?" Asked a third.
"No it is Garfield!" Said a smart observer and hearing the name of their man all the world cheered Garfield on as he continued to rock hard on Wonder Woman's stage. A radiant glow surrounded the power couple and it could be see as far as the dwarf planet Pluto in outer space. But not all were pleased by the event of the lifetime that was Garfield riding Wonder Woman like a stunt plane doing loops and showing her the wonders of love.
In secret mountain lair the evil cabal of America's evilest supervillains raged on with jealousy as they observed Garfield and Wonder Woman coming through the telescope. With Superman dead the way was clear for them to rule but now things had gone south.
"No it is Garfield the rumors were true that he has returned." Said Bane with fury.
"Now we know that are days our numbered for certain!" Squealed Captain Cold like a piglet about to be stuck on BBQ.
"Everything can stop us now!" Hissed Brainiac as he pounded his robot fist on their table.
"With Garfield to defend America we have everything standing in our way of global conquest." Moaned Black Adam as he sobbed in the chest of Doctor Sivana for comfort.
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Do not panic!" Said an authoritative voice entering the room. The other tyrants looked and saw a man in a sharp suit taking his seat. It was none other than Lex Luthor!
"How can you still be calm in a time like this?" Asked Bane with disgust as Lex Luthor put his legs up on table.
"Garfield will not be able to best our ally from Apokolips Steppenwolf! Oh he may be the greatest man that was but he is nothing more than a man. And he is up before none other than a New God. In the end Garfield can do nothing but delay his final ruin. As America burns before him, Garfield will see with his dying eyes us rising ascendant to carve that pitiful decay of a nation into our Empire. He could never stop us. For he is just one man and we are Legion. A Legion of Doom." Lex Luthor said with motivating speech before he took a sip of peach tea and let out satisfied aaaa.
"Yes that is right! Ha ha ha I cannot wait to wipe that smug smile off the face of that orange jerk!" Black Adam proclaimed as they all burst into evil laughter.
"Why do we not have a treat to celebrate preemptively?" Said Lex Luthor with complete innocence as he pulled a bowl of Jolly Ranchers.
Each supervillain took a Jolly Rancher and popped it into their mouth, sucking with delight. But suddenly delight turned into panic for Lex Luthor had poisoned all the Jolly Ranchers except his own.
"Why Lex Why? I thought we were comrades!" Cried Brainiac with broken heart at the betrayal.
"Sorry but I cannot risk any of you turning on me when you learn of my true master. For Steppenwolf is just the forerunner, and there are Gods Greater Than Him. The world will at last know a true order. In prison I had true awakening in my dreams. I at last realized that Gods were not meant to deliver us from the fists of our tormentors, but that we were meant to deliver ourselves onto the Gods to be tormented. And this torment I welcome with every fiber of my meaningless existence." As the Legion of Doom died, the last thing they saw was Lex Luthor removing his wig to reveal burned onto his bald forehead the Omega Symbol.
"With a thought he will crush all our superheroes. With a whisper he will make billions dream no more. He will make the most passionate of lovers loveless and strangle hope with utter darkness. For him, the most loving of fathers shall devour their children and beg to do it again. He will bring about Hell on Earth, a nightmare world without end. We will lose it all to him and never shall we miss or know what we had. He will do all this without lifting a finger. All ends and begins with him. The world. The future. The very being of life itself. Anti-Life Devours All. Darkseid Is." Lex Luthor said as the lights dimmed and the room faded to black.
To be continued…