A/N: Tomorrow I have my driving theory test so will not be upploading as I want to focus on that.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Esmerelda's Breakdown

Things were moving quickly and it was only a few weeks until Ethel would have the baby. One thing that had been solved was Julie had separated the bedroom the girls had shared so now Mildred shared with Sybil and Esmie with Ethel so everyone was able to get some sleep. Ethel was so tired these days her sister checking on her did not even stir her and Julie was glad of the peace now everyone could sleep.

Being a nurse, Julie was used to getting up at ungodly hours to go to work or to see to patients if she was on the night shift and because of this Julie sometimes woke up at stupid hours and tonight was one of those nights. She sighed in annoyance as she saw it was four in the morning. As she was awake anyway she decided to get up and check on the girls, specifically Ethel, to make sure her and the baby were alright. She sat up throwing on her dressing gown and putting her feet in her slippers before leaving her bedroom.

As she left the bedroom Julie had to stop herself screaming. There was a shadow in the shape of a person on the sofa. Had someone broken in? Oh dear Merlin she hoped not. She had a lot of vulnerable girls in the house. She was just about to sneak over to the phone to call the police when she heard the sound of gentle crying coming from the direction of the sofa.

Well that certainly did not sound like a burglar, the crying was soft and gentle and it sounded like a girl, which probably just meant one of her girls were awake. Julie started to panic now, was Ethel crying because she was having pains? She quickly fiddled for the light switch and got the shock of her life to see it was Esmerelda and not Ethel. She was the last one she would expect to find sitting in the dark at four in the morning crying….actually she wasn't now she thought about it, Esmie never cried in front of people, of course she would wait until she was alone.

The light turning on scared the girl and she turned around wiping her eyes and saw Julie. Seeing it was only Julie she turned back around and Julie switched on into mother mode.

"Esmie, why are you sitting in the dark crying?" Julie said walking over to the girl concerned. The young girl knew if she was upset she could go and wake her but whatever was upsetting her seemed to be affecting her a lot as she started crying again as Julie sat next to her. The woman put her arm around her and stroked her back gently.

"I can't do it..." Esmerelda told Julie as she cried more into her

"Can't do what Hun?" Julie asked her not understanding what she meant.

"I can't stand to see Ethel and Sybil in pain...even if they so much as get a paper cut I cry when I am alone, how am I meant to watch Ethel in labour, I can't" she said crying more as she spoke. Julie mentally slapped herself at that confession. She had been so focused on preparing Ethel she had forgotten that Esmerelda would be suffering. She knew it would break the girl to see Ethel screaming and crying in pain and there not being anything she could do. Julie had not thought before of trying to prepare the elder girl.

"Oh Esmie, I know it will be hard but you are one of the bravest people I have ever met you will be just fine" Julie told her trying to reassure her.

"I am not brave, I just pretend to be" Esmerelda replied as she cried gently more as she thought about it more.

"Yes you are brave, very brave, I know it will be hard for you but you will be fine, Ethel will need you, though that doesn't mean you are not allowed to be upset too" Julie explained cuddling the girl.

"I am scared, what if something happens to Ethel or the baby, what if Ethel loses to much blood or what if..." Esmerelda went on in a right old panic.

"Or what if you are thinking to much into things? Ethel will be fine I promise you and the baby too, they are both Hallows, strong as they come" Julie told Esmerelda who cuddled into her more as she helped to reassure her but she was still crying softly.

"Oh Esmie, don't get yourself so worked up, everything will be fine honest" Julie told her sort of worried about the girl. She was sure there was more to it than she was letting on as to why she was so upset.

"Is that all you are upset about Esmie?" Julie asked rubbing the girl's back to comfort her and she nodded gently despite the fact she still had tears running down each of her cheeks.

"Esmie, you are not a good liar" Julie told her and Esmerelda burst into fresh tears and Julie was even more worried then. Esmerelda was not a crier, well not in front of other people anyway.

"Esmerelda, whatever is the matter, please talk to me" Julie said only wanting to help her foster daughter with what was troubling her.

The girl shook her head and Julie stood up walking to the kitchen and making herself a coffee and Esmerelda a hot chocolate before returning with the drinks.

"Don't tell the others" Julie sad to Esmerelda handing her the drink. She knew if the others found out they would be annoyed they missed out on a hot chocolate.

"Thanks..." Esmerelda said taking a small sip as Julie sat and drank her drink quietly.

"So are you going to tell me why you are so upset?" Julie asked not fooled at all and knowing something was troubling her eldest foster daughter.

"It is stupid" Esmerelda said looking down at the floor ashamed.

"Nothing is stupid to be upset about Esmie, so what is it?" Julie asked her.

"It is just seeing Ethel…...what she has gone through …..I love my niece or nephew don't get me wrong I do but it is so hard to see Ethel in the position she is in, it is not fair" Esmerelda said as she cried a lot more.

Julie had to understand then. Yes it was hard for her to see Ethel in the position she was in but the girl was already pregnant when she had met her. Esmerelda had seen the girl grow up and it must be so horrible to see her little sister pregnant at such a young age through no fault of her own.

"I know it has been hard for you, but when the baby is here it will be easier, when Ethel is not pregnant anymore I am sure it will be easier" Julie explained to the girl knowing she needed a lot of reassuring about this.

"I ….but..." Esmerelda said stuttering and making no sense and Julie hated her parents in that moment because they had messed their children up so much they couldn't speak properly when they were afraid or upset.

"Take a breath and take your time, it is alright take all the time you need" Julie told the girl who took a breath seeming to calm down a little to talk. Julie could tell whatever was bothering her was really affecting her and knew it was going to be heartbreaking before she even spoke.

"That man…..he….r..r..r...raped….her….my baby sister….why...he has ruined her life and mine,...I can't sleep...I just see it….I see it all the time….why Ethie….why!" she shouted out between sobs, her voice getting louder with each word, as she buried her head into her lap, finally losing control.

Julie had been right, it was heartbreaking. She had not realised how much what had happened to Ethel was still affecting Esmerelda. Ethel never really spoke about it and neither did Esmerelda and Julie knew she would be thinking she would not be allowed to be upset as she was not the victim but Julie thought about what she would be like if it had been Mildred. Yes, she loved Ethel now but it was not the same as watching someone you loved so dearly, someone you had seen grow and knew so well be stripped of their innocence in one second. Esmerelda was clearly traumatised about it and now it made sense. She did only wander at night to check on Ethel as she was worried about her after what had happened to her, but it was also for the fact she could not sleep, every time she closed her eyes she saw Ethel being attacked, it was no wonder she was upset.

"Oh Esmie" Julie said rubbing the girls back and allowing her to cry. What could she say after all?

"It is my fault, I let her go out, why am I so stupid" Esmerelda asked as she cried on Julie and Julie got defensive then.

"You are NOT stupid and Ethel was very independent, she would have gone out even if you said no, and if you had gone with her it might of being you attacked instead or both of you" Julie explained trying to stop the girl blaming herself.

"I wish it had been me instead….I would have been able to cope with that more" Esmerelda cried and Julie kissed her head hugging her more, feeling bad that Esmerelda had suffered for so long with these feelings. No wonder her self harming had gotten worse. Julie knew no-one had really spoken to Esmerelda about how she felt because they were more concerned with Ethel, which was fair enough but they should of remembered how destroyed Esmerelda would be by it.

"Oh darling, I know this is hard for you, but I can make sure I get you help yes?" Julie said knowing it would be wise to get the girl, and her sisters, in some counselling. People had being wanting to do this anyway but had thought it would be wise to wait until Ethel had had the baby as then it would give them a little time to heal and come to terms with what happened but Julie now knew that was an unwise decision.

"I don't need help...I am fine" Esmerelda told Julie, putting on a brave face like she always did.

"No you are not you need help which is nothing to be ashamed of" Julie told her gently. Esmerelda said nothing more but just cried for a good while longer. Eventually the girl cried herself out and seemed tired. Julie told her to lie on the sofa and put a blanket over her.

"Try to sleep sweetie" Julie told her as she stayed with her stroking her hair and forehead gently. The girl started to drift off and spoke slowly.

"Maybe I do need a mother after all" Esmerelda said with a small smile as she drifted off. Julie kissed her forehead and stayed with her a while longer. She was glad her foster daughter had been able to get so much of her chest but she felt so guilty and so awful about how much she had been suffering with this for months. Julie though was determined to get her help and knew she would have to look into it sooner rather than later.

Julie looked at the clock and saw it was now five in the morning. She turned of the light and went back to her bedroom leaving Esmie asleep on the sofa. Her room was right next to the living room so she could hear Esmie if she cried out but the girl was obviously tucked out as she didn't make a sound the rest of the night.