Garfield League of America Chapter Seven: Apokolips Now!
It was just another normal day on Themyscira the Paraside Island, home of the Amazons.
Amazon women did women things like jump rope and hop scotch riding on giant kangaroos while braiding each others hair.
"It is wonderful thing to be Amazon free from the vice of Man's World. Men are worth nothing but shredded Kleenex." Said Artemis the Redhead Amazon with misandrist arrogance.
"This is the way that it should be as it always has been. If only my poor daughter had not been such a fool girl with wanderlust." Proclaimed Queen Hippolyta with sorrow but suddenly she had a psychic spasm and fell over in pain with screaming.
"Queen Hippolyta what is wrong?" Asked Artemis with trepidation because she had never seen the Queen ni such painfurls before.
"It is not possible! My immortal daughter Diana has fallen! Wonder Woman is dead!" Queen Hippolyta choked with grief tears. And at that moment, the barrier that surrounded Themyscira from the Man's World shattered as great balls of black fire burst on through from the other side.
And in great warships more massive that an aircraft carrier and submarines stiched from the flesh of fallen Atlantean lifeforms arrived the Batman. Clad in black armor with Batblade at his side, rode the Batman in an undead horse whose blood had been replaced by the Bleed between worlds of the Multiverse and breathed the contagion memory of retconned time.
Behind him followed the dreaded army of the Bat. Known in some circles who still lingered in the light and dared mockery as the Batfamily, the rest of the world that had fallen knew them as the Dark Knights. Inhuman and eldritch monstrosiites of every shape and size, covered in stuff like tentacles teeth and eyeballs they were commanded in divisions led by the Batman's three most trusted lieutenants: Robin, Red Robin, and Red Hood.
"Do not cry Little Mother. Thou Shall Fall and join your daughter in Hades!" Said Batman with mockery as his army rushed the frontline Amazons on the beach and began to cut them down. "But perhaps I will supply the chance surrender your lives and live eternally as our slaves!"
"Never again shall we endure the subjugation of men!" Queen Hippolyta proclaimed with defiance as she grabbed her sword and armor. "To the death my Amazons!"
"I was hoping you would say that! We do not need any stupid smelly manhating feminazis like you in my world!" Batman decreed with misogyny as the hopeless fight for Themyscira began.
And thus Paraside Burned.
It was like this all over the world since the day Garfield disappeared. Where the army of the Batman rose and the conquest began. One by one, the nations of the world fell. Rather than unite against the Batman, the world would rather argue on social media over who was right and as such divided before evil they stood no chance.
America, Europe, Atlantis, and soon Themyscira. All the world would soon flew the flag of the Batman. A global empire, dedicated to the Bat God of Chaos and Evil Barbatos, called Gothtopia. And from his throne between conquests in the Capitol City of Gotham City where Batsignals had replaced the stars in the sky, Batman smiled.
Those who had been crushed beneath his bootheel cried to the heavens one question.
"Where is Garfield?"
Meanwhile somewhere far from Earth Garfield for the first time since the Boom Tube sucked him up he awoke from a long nightmare.
"Where am I?" Garfield said with suspicion as he took in his surroundings. It was a lavish five-star hotel room but outside Garfield could hear fires and the sounds of screaming. Garfield then looked down at his left hand. It was still missing, and he now wore eyepatch over missing eye. Even the Godkiller Sword was gone. Garfield walked to the curtains and parted them. A futuristic world, a dystopian wet-dream, Garfield was on the planet Apokolips. Slave factories and firepits littered the landscape. Everything seemed to be misery incarnate underneath an eternal sky of black and red.
"Greetings Garfield I see that you are awake." Said a snakey voice as a decrepit figure draped in a purple cloak slithered in.
"Who are you and what is this? Do not hesitate because even with one hand I am still capable of killing you." Said Garfield with threats.
"I am Desaad. Loyal retainer and chief torturer to the great Darkseid. You are on his glorious home, the planet Apokolips!" Desaad greeted Garfield without any hostility.
Desaad then went to the door and beckoned Garfield to follow. "Come Garfield Darkseid has been wanting to see you since you beamed onto our world in a coma! Do not tarry or you will get to experience my resume firsthand!"
"I do not make deal with snakes, especially alien ones. I TRAMPLE THEM." Said Garfield with refusal as he punched Desaad in the gut. Using what was left of his left arm to hold Desaad in a headlock, Garfield grabbed him with his right hand and twisted Desaads head off.
Taking on Desaads cloak as a disguise, Garfield went onto the streets of Apokolips and looked to the horizon. In the distance there was a giant building that had "Darkseid's Castle" written on it in giant red neon lettering. Knowing that there were his answers nad possibly a way home, Garfield trekked to Darkseid.
"This truly is evil on a level beyond scale." Garfield thought to himself as he passed the downtrodden masses of Apokolips. All born to a life of eternal slavery and suffering and yet they showed no sign of dismay. These poor fools embraced this life because it was all they ever knew and justice and freedom were not even words in their vocabulary.
Meanwhile in Darkseid's castle Darkseid was sitting on his throne bored while playing Super Mario on his 3DS.
"When will Garfield show up there is much to be done! There is only so many times I can replay World 1-1!" Said Darkseid with impatience.
"Forget about Garfield Father!" Said Darkseid's son Kalibak as he rushed in with good news. "Granny Goodness has brought prisoners! These interloping fools sought to sow rebellion but they have sowed their execution instead!"
Granny Goodness walked in, accompanied by the Female Furies. They dragged in chains behind them the New Gods of New Genesis Orion, Big Barda, and Mister Miracle.
"If it is not my other wayward sons." Darkseid said with no amusement. "You could have simply sent a card."
"I will have your head Father!" Bellowed Orion with his innate rage. "We will break your hold over these suffering Apokolips!"
"Ha ha Brother you will do no breaking of anything but yourselves!" Kalibak sneered as he kick Orion in the jaw.
"Do they truly suffer if they do not even know they suffer?" Darkseid asked the prisoners from his throne. "Would you expose them to the horror and emptiness they are blind to?"
"All under the cosmos deserve to be free, Darkseid!" Mister Miracle said with freedom.
"That is rich coming from man who chains himself up for living. You were never free, Scotty Boy. Why do you think you throw yourself into deathtraps every day? Because for all your talk of being master escape artist you simply crave the days of ignorant bliss before thoughts of freedom wormed their way into your mind but you are too much of a coward to embrace my true security." Darkseid chuckled as he reached into a cooler by the side of his throne.
"Do not insult my boy toy like that! Curse you Darkseid! This is not over!" Said Big Barda as she squirmed against her restraints while Granny Goodness and her former girl pals the Female Furies laughed at her.
"No Barda I believe it is." Darkseid pulled out a Mountain Dew and chugged it. "Granny Goodness, execute them now."
"As you wish Lord Darkseid! Granny serves to please!" Cackled Granny Goodness as she took out a giant axe but before anyone could die part of the wall was suddenly punched down with powerful force.
"Hello Darkseid. I'm bringing the justice apocalypse to Apokolips." Garfield walked through the hole.
"Garfield that is no way to talk to your gracious host! My lieges, subdue him!" Said Darkseid with etiquette as he continued drinking his Mountain Dew.
"When I bring him your head Darkseid will finally look on me as his greatest son!" Kalibak squealed with joy as he jumped at Garfield.
"No I think you will exceed his disappointment." Garfield said without breaking a sweat as he dodged Kalibak's awkward grab. While Kalibak's back was turned to him Garfield reached forward with his right hand and ripped Kalibak's skeleton right out from him.
"Hee hee you may have outsmarted the Dumb Brute but can even you withstand the power of Granny Garfield?" Granny Goodness asked as she fired bolts of lighting from her fingertips at Garfield. The lighting bounced off Garfield harmlessly and hit the Female Furies instead reducing them to ashes.
"Damn. I was hoping to interrogate some of them later." Garfield sighed as he took Kalibak's skeleton and ripped the skull and spine from it. With his teeth, Garfield sharpened the end of the spine into a fine spear.
"What how is that possible? No one has ever resisted my killing powers before!" Granny Goodness exclaimed with cshock as she lookat hhands.
"I do not even need to know you to know that you have lost your touch." Said Garfield with amusement as he approached Granny Goodness with menace.
"Nononono Garfield that is not true! Please drop your pants and I will show you my touch has still got it!" Granny Goodness begged with insecurity.
"Sorry Granny but it is high past time you have retired. Let me send you to the Great Nursing Home in Hell." Said Garfield with healthcare as he rammed Kalibak's spine up Granny Goodness's throat and on through the top of her head smashing out of her skull with chunks of her brain attached.
"Good show! Good show! I knew there was reason I hedged all bets on you!" Darkseid clapped with thunderous applause before reaching into a bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos for snacking. "Come! Come! Let us feast and discuss your Cool New Job!"
"What the hell is this?" Garfield asked as Parademons came in and set up a dinner table with fancy Chinaware and fine imported wines. A Parademon chef came in and then set up the best looking lasagna Garfield had ever seen. Reluctant Garfield took the seat, while the Parademons set the good guy prisoners in other seats and served them hardtack in expired oatmeal and beans.
"Like I said Garfield this is job interview!" Said Darkseid with joviality as he took his seat and was brought a meal of French Fries two Big Mac cheeseburgers and twenty McNuggets by his Parademons. "I had planned for Steppenwolf to be my emissary to your silly Earth world but you have gotten my attention with your mightiness!"
"You must be out of your tyrant mind to think I would ever work for you." Garfield said with righteousness.
"Do not be unreasonable Garfield. This job comes with full benefits like paid vacations and dental care. Besides once you see what Batman has done to Earth in your absence you will agree you need my aid." Darkseid winked as he pulled out a TV remote and turned the flatscreen TV on the wall on. It was news report of chaos all across Earth, as chaos reigned rampant!
"How long have I been gone?" Garfield said with dismay as he saw Batman boiling Atlantis alive on TV.
"Long enough Garfield. You cannot stop Batman for he is empowered by the forces of the Dark Multiverse." Darkseid said as Garfield saw a grisly scene unfold.
"Mera..." Garfield whispered with heaviness as he saw who Batman had cooked and served like a fish and was busy eating while the corpses of Black Manta and Ocean Master hung in background crucified and stripped to the bone.
"It is futile is it not. But with the aid of my Fourth World powers you can have fighting chance." Said Darkseid with hard facts. "Come Garfield how about you accept these housewarming gifts from your new boss?"
With a snap of a finger Darkseid conjured a robotic hand and a cyborg eye for Garfield.
"These are the special Gauntlet and Eye of Anti-Life. Forged by the Man, me, himself." Bragged Darkseid with pride. "They have special power. Powers let you pierce the barriers of time life and multiverse themselves!"
To demonstrate Darkseid activated the eye and it peered into the whole of the Multiverse. Darkseid then pulled from other Earth Christian Bale's Batman before annihilating him with his Omega Beams and absorbing his fleeing soul into the Gauntlet. Putting on the Gauntlet and then snapping his fingers Darkseid summoned Christian Bale's Batman as his loyal mindless zombie minion before killing him again with his Omega Beams.
"With their powers you will serve me as a true agent for Order." Darkseid said with promises.
"You are a God of Order? But you are a villain. It cannot be." Said Garfield with disbelief at Darkseid.
"But it is, dear Garfield." Darkseid insisted with justification. "Through slavery and total control I have brought order to the people of Apokolips. If not for the actions of interlopers like our prisoners here we would be a world free from the vices and unpredictability of Chaos."
"Do not listen to him Garfield he is ultimate evil!" Yelled Mister Miracle with appeal to Garfield's sense of justice.
"Forgot the ravings of that little lost boy. He does not know what he talks about." Darkseid threw some Mountain Dew White Out into Mister Miracle's face. "Solve the Anti-Life Equation with me Garfield and we will at last bring the entropy of the universe to Order's heel!"
"Garfield you cannot let him enslave the entirerty of being with Anti-Life Equation!" Big Barda warned of cosmic eternal subservience.
"SILENCE WOMAN." Darkseid snapped a finger and a Parademon gagged Big Barda. "ANTI-LIFE IS ORDER. ANTI-LIFE WILL PURIFY EXISTENCE."
"Please Garfield you were my inspiration! Do not listen to Darkseid! Hearing tales of your heroic exploits from Earth were what inspired me to abandon my father's legacy of evil for heroism!" Orion begged with a shaken fanboy's heart.
"Do not deny it Garfield. Would you stand against me and thus stand against Order? Would you further the goals of Batman and the Chaos of the Dark Multiverse by slaying me? No Garfield listen to your brain and serve with me! Signify your allegiance by eating my lasagna!" Darkseid yelled with impatience.
"Me serve you? How about YOU SERVE YOURSELF." Said Garfield as he grabbed his lasagna which was still piping hot and flipped it into Darkseid's face.
"EIIIIIIIGGGGH!" Darkseid creid with pain as he frantically ripped burning lasagna off his face. But he was too slow and he was scarred for life.
"That was just appetizer. Here is main course!" Quipped Garfield as he jumped across the table and kicked Darkseid in the throat with a taekwondo flying kick.
"YOU FOOL GARFIELD. COME TO YOUR SENSES. I AM THE TRUTH." Darkseid squealed with eggomania as Big Barda, Mister Miracle, and Orion all cheered for their hero.
"I like truth. But I am also a big fan of justice." Said Garfield with justice as with one punch he blasted Darkseid flying out of his palace and onto the streets of Apokolips. Leaping out of the hole and landing on Darkseid with a big thud, Garfield grabbed the dictator and looked directly into his heartless red eyes. "I look around and see the results of your great Order. Darkseid is many things. But none of these things are just!"
Garfield then began to beat down on Darkseid pummeling his face like Konami executive greenlighting pachinko machine. Seeing Garfield beat down their One True God the denizens of Apokolips suddenly stopped in their tracks and looked down at themselves. What was this strange new feeling that was brewing in them?
"It is hope!" Said Mister Miracle with elated surprise. "Garfield has brought hope to Apokolips."
"It is not over yet Darkseid is still formidable opponent." Big Barda noted with concern as Darkseid intercepted Garfield's next punch and swung him off.
"DIE GARFIELD DIE." Darkseid said with frothing mouth as he charged up his Omega Beams and fired.
"Nice try." Garfield said coldly as he simply moved to the left slightly and dodged the Omega Beams, which hit and killed Glorious Godfrey instead.
"What no one has ever dodged my Omega Beams before! How is this possible! I am a God what are you by comparison!" Darkseid sputtered with denial as he began to turn for escape.
"I am your Doomsday." Said Garfield as the masses of Apokolips turned on Darkseid and blocked off all escapes before rushing him with pitchforks. "Little God your scripture ends here."
"You cannot kill me for good. My essence will survive!" Darkseid sccreamed as he began ripping bysanders apart in blind fury. "I WILL RETURN AND I WILL DAMN EVERYTHING YOU LOVE GARFIELD."
"I am not afraid of you, you cardboard bully. And from what I hear Darkseid…" Garfield focused his inner chi. "…you have always hated music."
With an explosion of chi Garfield mentally conjured up a concert stage and instruments. Garfield then took the mic while Big Barda became sexy female back-up vocalist guitarist Orion got on drums and Mister Miracle became synth keyboarder.
"NO NOT THE MUSIC." Darkseid begged but it was too late as Garfield burst into heavy metal rock song.
"Boys and girls of Apokolips get ready to rock. Here is special charity song I wrote inspired by your plight." Garfield said with social conscience as his band began to play. Clearing his throat Garfield hit his first notes running.
"Baby when I'm pounding my meat
I can't get you out of my head
Driving past neon breasts on every street
It's the curse of the lost lasagna
With hellhounds upon my tail
I'll race through the gates of hell
But to kiss you I cannot prevail
It's the curse of the lost lasagna
I can drown myself in money
Hoping I can buy your smile
Knowing happiness isn't free
Cry about you like the crocodile
And watch porn on my big TV
It's the curse of the lost lasagna"
The band then played the instrumental part of the song. Darkseid froze in place completely petrified, unable to move, like his brain had been fried on an atomic level while all of Apokolips banged their heads as if driven mad by Metal Health. Garfield then resumed singing as the people of Apokolips went out of control and bean an orgy on the streets.
"I daydream of you till today comes tomorrow
Sexy Sister let me be your New God
Without you in my pants I am so hollow
My full hot rod ain't no Fraud
We can fight the curse of the lost lasagna
You lived all your life in evil's shadow
So let me fill your dark soul with light
Evil's get even less inches than the minnow
Hot stunner go down on me all night
We can defeat the curse of the lost lasagna."
Garfield held the final note until he had exceeded all known octaves. With a cry that could be heard even in space, Garfield used all his might to open a summoning portal.
"Garfield do not do this!" Darkseid managed to croak from his petrified form. "You do not know what a mistake you make destroying this realm's greatest Lord of Order!"
"You have strutted and fretted your millennia upon the stage long enough. Now you will be heard no more." Said Garfield with Shakespearian encore as he brought forth none other than the Black Racer and shot him into Darkseid.
"IMPOSSIBLE I AM DARKSEID IM DARKSEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID" Darkseid screamed as cracks burst all over his body. And in the dead of the night, a God learned what it was to die.
"And I am Garfield." Said Garfield with a snap of his finger and half of Darkseid's body exploded while the other disintegrated.
"You have done it Garfield you have rid the Multiverse of Darkseid forever!" Orion congratulated Garfield like a bro and the two high-fived.
"But the threat of Batman and his benefactrs from the Dark Multiverse remain. Until he is dead reality shall not be at peace." Mister Miracle noted with steps yet to take. "But if there is anyone who is capable of besting them it is the Magnificent Garfield!"
"Perhaps this can help you in your quest! Darkseid had kept it under his couch whole time." Big Barda said with helpfulness as she gave Garfield the Godkiller.
"With how long I have been asleep my fencing skills have rusted. Perhaps you would like to help me polish?" Garfield winked at Big Barda as he slung the Godkiller around his shoulder.
"Oh Garfield you are just what I need. Mister Miracle is miracle in everything but the bedroom." Said Big Barda with thirst as she gazed over every bead of sweat on Garfield's muscular body.
"Be sure to take notes, Scott Free." Garfield tossed Mister Miracle a video camera, and Orion ran off to set up distribution deal with famous Apokolips film producer Sleez. Mister Miracle then filmed Garfield going off with Big Barda for victory laps in the remains of Darkseid's palace and followed from there.
"You better have what it takes because I am not Former Female Fury for nothing." Big Barda said with top-positioned teases as she removed Garfield's clothing for him with her teeth.
"Big Beauty I will give you the galaxy and then some in a footlong of love." Garfield said as he tackled Big Barda onto the bed and wrestled her out of her armor piece by piece until she was fully wild sweaty and nude.
Garfield then unveiled his super secret weapon the Omega Rod that put even Big Barda's Mega Rod to shame. As Garfield injected Big Barda with the Pro-Life Equation over and over again, the wild sounds of their lovemaking echoed across all of Apokolips. Singing and dancing filled the streets and though the fight to defeat Batman and the Dark Multiverse still hung like a grim spectre over all, those who heard the passion of Garfield in the heat of the last eternal night knew that the fight to cancel the Apocalypse began on Apokolips.
To be continued…