Garfield League of America Chapter Thirteen: Prelude to the End! New Justice!
It was the morning after as Garfield awoke, with Black Canary and Jessica Cruz still in bed next to him. It was time for the talk and Garfield unsheathed the Godkiller Sword.
"Hello Wonder Woman. I hope this is not much of a surprise for you." Said Garfield to the Godkiller Sword as he ran a gentle hand through Black Canary's blonde locks.
"A leopard can't change his spots, and neither can Garfield change his stripes." Mused the Godkiller Sword sardonically. "I do not mind, Garfield. Do what you have to do. Love is more than just pairings of ones to make two." Even so, Garfield felt a vicious tug, a hateful stir in the Godkiller Sword that cried for the blood and souls of Black Canary and Jessica Cruz. It was just like the inherent irrational jealousy bred in the genetics of women, and Garfield knew if he let the Godkiller slip from his hands there was no telling what it might do by its lonesome. Garfield rubbed the sword softly, like fondling a woman's breasts, to ease it.
"It is coming Garfield. The final battle, and there the fate of the world will be decided. What will you do?" For a fleeting moment, Garfield felt as if Wonder Woman was sitting right next to him, her strong arms around his shoulder and then some. He looked and saw projected from the Godkiller a ghostlike figure of the Amazonian Princess.
"I will take my vengeance upon Batman. For taking him from you, I will give him a hell that will make hell look like heaven. I will raze all that he still loves in that black heart of his, and I will crush Batmans head like Senate crushed Merrick Garland." Said Garfield with biting political jab as vengeance emanated around him in menacing purple aura.
"Garfield no! Hatred is not the way." Wonder Woman's ghost said despondently.
"I'm doing this for you, Wonder Woman. Batman killed you and so many of our friends." Garfield clenched his fists with a force that could even snap the Godkiller in two if he felt like it. "If I cannot make him suffer as he made so many suffer, what kind of hero am I?"
"Listen to me Garfield. Justice League was never the perfect super team we would have wanted. But while we were in it I had fun and I met you, a perfect man who embodied the powers of masculinity but still had time for love. But now I see what the toll of war has taken from you. Just like Batman, you have let rage and hatred cloud your heart. Garfield, you can kill Batman. You can slaughter all of Gotham City and burn Batman's whole world down, but it will not bring me back. I am just a phantom, a fragment of the love you have lost." Said Wonder Woman quietly as her ghost tried to hug Garfield but could only pass through him.
"I'm sorry, Diana. But it has to be this way." Garfield sighed with duty. Garfield reached out to Wonder Woman, and saw that he too could not make her form material as his hand passed through her bosom.
"Then just remember, Garfield. That I loved you, and even in death, I will always be with you. To the end, I will be your Wonder Woman. And know that though you can save the world with blades and bullets, you can too save it with compassion and love." Wonder Woman waved good-bye as her ghost faded away. Garfield sat in slience for a bit, then got dressed.
"Must you leave Garfield? There is still much we can do to each other." Begged Jessica Cruz as she woke up.
"Sorry sweetheart, but it is prime time for saving world. Keep the sheets warm for me, you vixens." Garfield replied as he charged up his Lantern arm and slung on the Godkiller.
"Garfield must we really stay behind?" Black Canary asked Garfield as she began to stir. Her vocal chords were still agonized from the pounding she had taken the night before and no lozenge would help. "I too have score to settle with the Batman."
"Sorry blackbird but the world will need you to help repopulate after Batman is dead. I cannot risk endangering you women by bringing you with me. But I will cash your check for you, signed with the blood of the Bat." Replied Garfield with the natural order of things.
Garfield walked out of Bludhaven to the outskirts of the city everyone else were waiting. Nightwing had set up a mass funeral for the dead Resistance and Deathstroke was reading last rites with Superman dug the grave. Cyborg was plotting a course for Gotham City on his GPS and he was closest to Garfield as he approached.
"Cyborg what are they doing to our fallen brothers in arms?" Asked Garfield with some trepidation.
"We must honor the fallen lives of our lost brethren. We are returning them from the Earth from whence they came." Replied Cyborg with funerals.
"No. Do not do this. " Garfield stopped the funeral as he jumped into the middle of things. "We cannot disgrace their memories like this. They fought and died for America, but this is no longer America that we stand on. Batman has corrupted the land and we would dishonor them by letting them rot in this un-American dirt!"
"Then what can we do? It is just as cruel to leave them to vultures out here." Asked Nightwing with no ideas.
"America is more than just land. It is an ideal, embodied within its people. Though the flag may have burned and its land conquered by the enemy, as long as the American People continued to resist tyranny, America lives on in them. America has endured civil wars and world wars, and in this war we'll come out on top once more." Said Garfield with a patriotic speech.
"Garfield is right. We are America." Superman joined in as he and Garfield took out the last American flag in the world, and posed next to it very patriotically. "So we cannot abandon our brothers to Batman's heartless soil."
"They shall fight on through us. Even in death the Fifty Stars will never burn out. America is a light that shall shine forever." Said Garfield as Superman lit up the bodies with his heat vision reducing them to ashes. Nightwing nodded, as Deathstroke got the ashes and mixed them up with red white and blue dye in vases.
"Show us the way, Garfield. Just like you always have." Deathstroke said in deference as they awaited Garfield's next order.
Garfield reached into the vases and spread the ashes on his face.
"I want Batman to look up at us and see America as he dies. So who is with me?" Garfield asked as he held ashes up in his hand and everyone cheered before following Garfield's lead.
"I am!" Said a new voice. Everyone turned to look, and saw that it was a newcomer in a blue and gold bodysuit flying down accompanied by a small floating robot.
"Always look a gift horse in the mouth, and shoot it if you have to." Said Garfield with suspicion as everyone loaded up their weapons and pointed them.
"No worries fellas I am not agent of Batman I am your friend." Said the man as he took out his business cards. "I am Booster Gold and I am superhero from the future!"
"Prove that you are a friend of America." Garfield continued with intensive vetting.
"Just like all good Americans I love lasagna baseball and apple pie! I am also superstar of American football the one real football in future and I am your number one fan too Garfield!" Said Booster Gold with resume overload. Booster Gold took out from his pocket an autograph from the future that was Garfields, as proof
"I guess you can come along then. But the first sign of trouble and you'll be gold flakes in my next lasagna sundae." Said Garfield with an expensive and mouthwatering warning.
Author's Note: Garfield's team is now six members. Grant Morrison says in his comic book Seven Soldiers of Victory that six is an unlucky number and that a good team has five or seven members but Grant Morrison is a foreigner which means that he's a Commie wacko and you shouldn't listen to him.
"We'll need a name. League of Men is too generic for us to copyright and profit from." Superman reminded Garfield with capitalism the best system as everyone walked side by side in badass formation.
"Justice League had nice ring to it but there was something missing." Nightwing commented casually from the left.
"That's it. We're not just any old Justice League." Said Garfield as a light bulb went off in red white and blue over his head. "We're the Justice League OF AMERICA."
Explosions went off behind the Justice League of America as they walked, setting off red white and blue smoke as the "America the Beautiful" played heavy metal style.
They then reached the highway and Cyborg used his nanomachine mastery to 3D print classic American muscle and sports cars out of nanomachines.
Cyborg built a Red Corvette for Garfield and Camaro for Deathstroke, a White Barracuda for himself and DeLorean for Superman, and a Blue Mustang for Booster Gold and Firebird for Nightwing.
Starting with "Highway Star" by Deep Purple on the radio the Justice League of America sped off towards Gotham and they brought patriotic hell with them.
In the heart of his Gotham City Fortress Wayne Manor Batman was chilling in his Jacuzzi, bathing in Ras Al Ghul's blood gone bubble bath and sipping martinis while making Catwoman lick the blood off herself like cats grooming.
"Ugh even in this bubbly heated passion I feel nothing. Perhaps I should not have used blood because the symbolism is too menstrual and female so its bad because it is not male." Complained Batman as he began beating Catwoman to shame her.
"Batman we have intruders quickly approaching the city walls!" Ran in Alfred with som urgencies, making Batman hold back his latest slapping hand.
"How witlessly droll. Do these simpleton rebels still ail to realize that my reign is eternal?" Said Batman stoically as he sipped his martini. "I shall not trouble myself with such trivial concerns. Have Oracle take care of it."
"Very well Master Bruce. Long may the Batsignal Shine!" Simpered Alfred as he ran of to relay message to Oracle. Alfred went down the Elevator to the Bat-Cave where the Batcomputer was and hit the hotline to Oracle.
"Activate the City Defenses we have interlopers approaching our belfry." Barked Alfred with orders.
"Affirmative!" Cacklced the voice of the Oracle with wickedry. "With my mastery over all technology and security these upstart fools will not even know what hit them!"
Oracle then began to organize the city defenders. At city walls Dark Knight sentries gathered, with burning oil and homing wand of magic missile archers backed up by state off the art drones equipped with machine guns and flying Man-Bat legions who dropped drop bear bombs. And rushing out from Gotham City garages all over were cloned zombie Robins on motorbikes with shotguns that fired crowbars.
In addition to his own army Batman had gathered scum of all shapes and sizes united by common interest of ravaging the world with chaos into a mercenary brigade of very fine people and within Gotham Citys walls they hustled itching for bloodshed.
Next the Clock Tower where Oracle was situated took upon the power of the Gotham City Grid to rev up its engines to eleven and with this extra power transformed into a clockwork giant Mecha Oracle.
"I would like to see anyone try to get past this!" Said Oracle with madness as she typed commands on her keyboard, while in the background captive Batgirls Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown were strapped into machines leeching over their lifeforce to add more power to Mecha Oracle.
"How could you do this Oracle you were our friend!" Cried Stephanie Brown with torment as electricity coursed through her frail blonde nymph body.
"Friendship is nothing more making connections you can exploit you dumb blonde. And now I'm getting whats mine so you both can go to hell." Said Oracle with exploitation as she pushed all the levers and switches.
"Will no one come to save us?" Yearned Cassandra Cain with helplessness as Mecha Oracle marched to the frontlines where red dust clouds had already been stirred by fighting.
With fast and furious driving skills and speeds, the Justice League of America was steamrolling the forces of Batman like the Indians fighting Custer at Little Bighorn. As the Justice Cars made street pizza out of their comrades as heavy metal and hard rock blared, several Dark Knights broke rank and ran off in fear.
"Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, lets show them they have everything to be afraid of." Said Garfield with teamwork coordinating as everyone did cool synchronized stunt ramping and landed on a fleeing Dark Knight killing them.
"Oh no our defenses are nothing against Garfield's manly might and all-American derring-do!" Wailed a Dark Knight on the wall as their magic missiles bounced harmlessly off the impenetrable exterior of Garfield's Red Corvette.
"Do not forget his Amazing Friends as well." Superman said as he ran over that Dark Knight and backed him over twice non-lethally with his DeLorean.
"Black Lives Matter but Bat Lives Don't." Quipped Garfield with left pandering humor as he did a ramp into the air and leaned out with the Godkiller slaying thousands of Man-Bats.
"Lets keep up the momentum!" Nightwing said with eagerness as he did a swerve while holding a SMG out his window gunning down hundreds of mercenary scum. "Batman's army of chaos crumples before us like rotten pumpkins!"
Before Nightwing could continue however a laser mortar came down from below and blew up causing his Firebird to flip over into the air.
"Ugh!" Nightwing grunted but with quick reflexes Nightwing was able to maneuver and safefty land. Nightwing looked up and saw that the laser mortar had come from Mecha Oracle, the last perimeter defender still standing.
"You will not defeat Batman because you will not pass me, Justice Losers!" Said Oracle with raving as she rained down indiscriminate lasers and missiles from Mecha Oracles cannon fingers.
"I did not anticipate big robot hijinks today. Things were going so swimmingly just a second ago." Said Deathstroke with unpleasant surprise as he swerved to avoid being crushed by Mecha Oracle's slamming fist.
"The things we do to save the world!" Sighed Booster Gold as he launched a barrage of missiles from under his Mustang's hood aiming at Mecha Oracle's cockpit but with a swat, Mecha Oracle knocked them hardlessly out of the sky. "Say Garfield you would not have a plan for dealing with this metal moron would you?"
"When our enemies go big, America goes bigger." Garfield said with idea before addressing Cyborg. "Cyborg activate Formation X!"
"Good idea Garfield Oracle will not know what hit her!" Said Cyborg with agreement as he utilized his powers over technology to begin a process of magnetization and shifting. The cars combined and transformed into the iconic patriotic Megazord Lasagna Prime and with a initial spray of fireworks blasted the onslaught of Mecha Oracle back.
Inside the cockpit of Lasagna Prime, Garfield took the Captain's seat for order barking while Nightwing and Deathstroke stepped into the gunners seats. Booster Gold was on navigation while Cyborg did engineering. The entire set-up was powered by rock and roll guitar, with strings that were wires that led into everything. Superman took the guitar in his hand, and with a quick warm up strum, turned to address his friends as the raging Mecha Oracle charged at them once more.
"Let's rock and roll this bitch." Said Superman as he hit the opening chords to Detroit Rock City. Lasagna Prime on cue did a massive leap over Mecha Oracle and as she passed underneath Lasagna Prime did a daring back kick sending Mecha Oracle tumbling into face plant onto a hundred-thousands of Batman's troopers crushing them.
"Bang her head! Metal health will make her dead!" Garfield ordered and as Superman began playing heavy metal rendition of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" Lasagna Prime grabbed Mecha Oracle's head and began pounding it into the Earth over and over making deep craters.
As Superman continued to rock he flawlessly transitioned to the "Star-Spangled Banner" with such superb musical talent he made Jimi Hendrixs version sound like Ringo Starr. The Justice League of America cleared their throats as Garfield began to lead them in song singing the lyrics with the highest of prides as Lasagna Prime continued heavy metal beatdown of Mecha Oracle.
"O say can you see! By the dawn's early light!" Lasagna Prime tossed Mecha Oracle into the sun, scrambling her systems with the heat and then prying away her protective armor shell like peeling a grape as she fell through the atmosphere.
"And now for the Rockets Red Glare and bombs bursting in air!" While Mecha Oracle was down Lasagna Prime grabbed several nukes and bending Mecha Oracle over began to shove them up her rear exhaust port. Lighting the fuses, Lasagna Prime took ahold of Mecha Oracle's legs and swung it into the horizon. Mecha Oracle then flew all the way to Switzerland and exploded showing that neutrality does not pay.
Garfield and company disembarked from their victorious steel champion, but it was not yet time to celebrate. Garfield looked up and with his eagle-like vision shaw that the coward Oracle had ejected in escape pod that was drifting down right now. Cyborg then used his remote hacking powers to take control of the pods trajectory and bring it right down in front of them.
"It's time to take this computer miscreant away from their keyboard for life." Said Garfield as he made a Desert Eagle Lantern Construct and shot the door open. Inside Garfield saw for the first time Oracle in the flesh. It was an irate red-headed woman in a wheelchair.
"Barbara Gordon how could you help Batman do all this evil." Asked Nightwing with sorrowed disbelief as he recognized Oracle. "You used to go down on me like a pro but now look at you."
"I do not need you Nightwing you are knucklehead. Batman is far superior lover to you." Said Oracle pounding her fists with rage beore ranting with maddened jealousy. "He has promised me the power to wreak vengeance upon all you able-bodied people walking about on your two legs while I am stuck in wheelchair all day."
"What would your father the great Commissioner Gordon say to such behavior?" Wondered Garfield of the fate of his policeman friend.
"Papa should've spanked you more. That is what I did to all my kids and they turned out fine." Added Deathstroke with fine parenting tips.
"Ha ha Garfield I delivered my father to Batman myself and laughed while Batman drank his soul!" Raved Oracle with ungratful brattines. "That is what he gets for not giving me more money in my allowance."
"All the evil you have done over such pettiness? How could I have ever loved you?" Said Nightwing with shame as he turned away. "Garfield do what you must."
"You are small-minded rogue. Lets see how much smaller your head can get." Said Garfield as he cracked his knuckles readying for some squeezing.
"Not so fast fat cat!" Said Oracle with one last ace up her sleeve as she pressed hidden button on her wheelchair. "Even without Mecha Oracle I am still the Queen of all Technology! How do you like them apples huh?"
"When it comes to fruits I prefer strawberry." Superman remarked calmly as a swarm of killer robots armed with knives and buzzsaws amassed around the Justice League of America. "In fact I could go for strawberry milkshake after saving the world is done with."
"Why are you so casual? I am mere seconds from turning you all into superhero sashimi!" Oracle asked with complete confusion. Then suddenly all the red lights on her robots turned green, and with menace, they turned towards Oracle. Franctically Oracle began pushing buttons again but the robots were no longer responding to her command. "No what is happening."
"You maybe a Queen but there's one thing that's always greater than a Queen and that's a King." Cyborg cut in and blew a kiss as he took control of all robots and made them close in with murderous intents. "Sugar Pie you lost the Arms Race or should I say Leg Race?"
"NOOOOOOOO." Cried Oracle as the metal horde fell upon her like a feeding frenzy. When all had cleared Oracle looked up helplessly in a tangle of severed and broken limbs. Garfield stood over her, with her computer in his hands.
"I got you a new screensaver." Garfield stated. "HAVE A CLOSER LOOK." And with that, Garfield smashed the computers screen over Oracles head, logging off her evil for good.
As smoke rose from the still twitching corpse, two new faces to Garfield climbed out of the wreckage of the escape pod. With suspicions Deathstroke pulled out his rifle readying for blasting but Garfield held his arm out making him stand down.
"Is it truly finally over? Are we saved from the Chaos Machine?" Asked Stephanie Brown with skeptical hope.
"It is!" Cried Cassandra Cain as she recognized the Orange Messiah before them. "Look Stephanie Brown Garfield has saved us!"
"Oh Garfield we heard so much about you but we never dreamed you would deliver us from the hell of Oracle!" The Batgirls ran up to Garfield and to his surprise threw themselves on his legs with worship. "Let us repay you anyway that we can!" They added with rubbing and licking.
"Hold your horses and undirty your minds, you Jailbait Rhubarbs. I am a law and consent abiding American." Said Garfield with decency and common sense.
"Then what can we do Garfield? We do not want your good deeds to go unrewarded!" Said Cassandra Cain with insistence.
"Just be a Good American Citizen: stay in school, help your fellow man, and don't do drugs. And remember to call my number in a few years." Garfield told them with sage advice and a wink as he put his contact info on their cell phones.
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends! We have a Bat to strangle." Said Garfield with endgame dawning as Superman used his super-strength to tear down the walls of Gotham with the untamed wrath of Kansas and Krypton. The walls collapsed, and villains everywhere scrambled for the illusion of safety as Garfield led the Justice League of America into Gotham City crushing all evil beneath their feet.
Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor Batman was at the dinner table eating a salad made from Poison Ivy.
"If only Mother had cooked my greens like this, then I would have realized veggies are actually yummy sooner." Said Batman as he forked bits of Poison Ivy into his mouth before washing them down with Chardonnay.
Batman's dinner peace was then interrupted by Alfred bursting in with alarm.
"Master Bruce forecast is catastrophic. Oracle is dead and so we have lost our stranglehold on Internets and technologies." Alfred bowed before Batman licking his bootheels in apologies for his insolence.
"Damn I should've known that a woman's use would only go so far." Batman replied with no grief at Oracles passing.
"Garfield is on his way now he is decimating your army with more passion than Da Vinci Paintings!" Said Alfred as he activated security footage for Batman.
Batman sighed and set aside his fork and plate. He pulled on his cowl and pulled out Batblade. A flock of bats followed and clouded him as Batman proceeded to the exit itching for a bloody battle filled with fallen souls to deliver to his patron deity Barbatos.
"Then it looks like I'll have to take care of this myself."
To be continued…