Albus Dumbledore.
A very old and grandfatherly man that enjoys having little kiddies – preferably Harry Potter – up to his private and secluded office for drugged sweeties and hugs. Like that doesn't sound dodgy.
He has a long beard and glasses, which fits in with the image that has been created above.
Prefers to wear extravagant clothing to attract people and potentially drives an ice cream van on his days off.
Owns a pet phoenix named Fawkes, which sounds like a bad word.
Severus Snape.
Or better known as 'that creepy dude who licks Lily Evans window whilst she sleeps'.
Has very pale skin – like onions – and has black eyes that you want to poke. His hair is very greasy, but there is a reason for this.
He was one of the very first test subjects for shampoo when it was first created. Sadly, one day some of the bubbles went in his eyes and he has feared hair products ever since. He also has a fear of ice cream vans. Hint hint.
He likes to wear black, as he thinks it's a pretty colour that is very fashionable.
Women think he is apparently sexy.
Sybill Trelawney.
She is Harry Potter's personal stalker. You know her glasses? They have built in x-ray vision that is activated when she says something along the lines of Harry Potter's death. That's also why her glasses are like magnifying glasses. Pervert.
She enjoys predicting his death as it means she will get attention from him.
The only reason she was hired by Dumbledore the Paedophile was because a lot of her prophecies came true. Or did they?
It has been discovered that when Sybil predicts a student's death, it means she's going to kill them to be proven right and to get a bigger pay check.
The blood on her clothes after the deaths is ignored when she is handed the money.
Aspires to be The Stig from Top Gear.
Pomona Sprout.
The perfect love interest for Severus because it seems she is always covered in mud – so she probably doesn't wash.
Described as 'dumpy' in the books. Now I'm no genius, but whenever I hear dumpy, I imagine a prostitute. . . .
Drives Dumbledore's ice cream van when he can't make it.
Right, so in total, we have a prostitute with BAD hygiene issues teaching Herbology.
This is Neville Longbottom's favourite class, meaning we now know what type of women that dog is after. Woof, foxy.
Minerva McGonagall.
She can change into a cat, so people put catnip and fish in her office for fun.
This is currently Dumbledore and Snape's favourite joke to play on her. Dumbledore plants the catnip laced Fire Whiskey and Snape hides with the camera.
It was funny as hell until she was arrested for reasons that she won't reveal.
We just know that Dumbledore tries not to laugh when he sees her and that Snape always says 'I never knew cats could do that'.
I guess we'll never know. . .
Aurora Sinistra.
A cyborg from the year 2099 – no human being can be that flipping good at maths.
I think.
I dunno.
Let's just say she scares me with her mathematical knowledge and leave it at that.
Rubeus Hagrid.
Really big dude. He's about the same size at my chemistry teacher. No joke.
Hagrid is single (or did he and Maxime hook up?) and likes to keep defenceless and injured animals in his hut for long periods of time. Over night. In the dark.
Is he friends with Dumbledore's brother? Maybe.
I don't like making fun of Hagrid, he's one of my favourite characters.
Even if he did steal my f***ing pies.
Quirinus Quirrel.
He is constantly shaking but everyone assumes that's from fear. That is wrong.
It is obvious he is shaking from the kinky mind sex involving electricity he and Voldemort have every night.
Phwoar.
Argus Filch.
Easily the hottest guy in Hogwarts.
I mean c'mon! Look at those mouldy pervert teeth! And that old dry skin! And that pug ugly face!
EEEEEK! What's not to like?
He is PERFECT for Umbridge!
Actually – NO! THAT BITCH CAN'T HAVE HIM!
Filius Flitwick.
Also known as 'El Shortie' and is wanted for crimes against Darth Vader's Empire. Will be prosecuted as an Ewok.
Remember back to when you were five . . . and you always went on those wonderful fare ground rides, like the spinning tea cups? Remember when that guy who was shorter than you - the five year old - that skipped you in the que for the jumpy trampolines.
That was this guy.
He too has a beard and is a teacher, so it is speculated he helped Dumbledore with his ice cream van plan to charm the kiddies.
Gilderoy Lockhart
Douchebag of the Year winner 11 years in a row – and that's only because Voldemort dies, as Gildy was originally coming in second place.
In fact, Lockhart originally paid Trelawney to say the prophecy to Dumbledore – he just didn't know it was a real prediction.
Lockhart knew Voldy would go after the Potters', and he knew that Voldy would die.
How he knew this? He's Gilderoy Lockhart – his imagination can make him do anything.
And to think he did all this just for first place in Douchebag of the Year . . .
With Voldemort dead, he was now the number one douchebag.
Bathsheda Babbling.
Apparently teaches Ancient Runes, yet no-one talks about her . . .
She is actually a river that can talk.
LE GASP! HER NAME MUST BE JINXED BECAUSE SHE IS ACTUALLY A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK IN HIDING!
I should be a detective!
Cuthbert Binns.
He's the ghost of History.
Nobody likes him at all. Cause he's a ghost. That's ghostist.
No, it's not just because he's ghost, though that is a big part. As a ghost, Binns cannot put deodorant on. Now when you're flying about the castle all day pretending to be Caspar, you get a bit sweaty, especially if you spend time with the Bloody Baron in his beer room.
Hehe. . .
He also doesn't seem to know he's dead.
I don't know how the f**k that works.
I think he does know – he just wants to tell them he knows on April Fools day.
And being a ghost means he can spy on Minerva McGonagall when she's in the shower.
Charity Burbage.
I'll be honest – I saw the films before I read the books.
In Deathly Hallows Part 1, I was like 'Who the hell is this weirdo?'
And then she was like 'Severus, help me please!' and she was crying so I thought that maybe she and Snape were getting it on behind the scenes. . . .
But she died so he must've broke it off before the film because he can't marry her.
Charity Snape.
Too nice.
Never gonna happen.
Poppy Pomfrey.
She has red skin. Like her name suggests.
She's pretty old. And I don't know why, but I imagined her wearing a mini-skirt for the first three books.
Originally from America, but had to flee to England because she raped George Bush, because he said he wants to fight a war against Tourism and the Tourists, but she thought that was crap.
On her days off she slinks around the castle laying mouse traps and drinking glue.
Is sometimes joined by Albus Dumbledore, though he often claims he is 'too busy with the children'. . .
. . . In the basement.