The humans in this stadium numbered in the thousands. They stood in pitch black with bated breath. The air was thick with anticipation, goosebumps prickling along their skin.
Then a loud noise fills the air, accompanied by a pink spotlight shooting up across the sky. It hits again to a lower key, and this time a blue spotlight goes around in a different pattern. The crowd is tense, silently waiting for a trigger to be pulled.
Only at this moment does her voice echo out, a modern day siren pulling them under her spell. The crowd erupts into loud cheers, but thanks to her advanced tech they can all hear her with perfect clarity even through their noise.
"When there's a Zero in your heart! Don't feel bad, you lost your chance! I'll take it from you~"
Listen to them. Eating out of the palm of her hand. They love her. They adore her! Their cute pink haired idol singing bubblegum pop while wearing a cute pink dress.
"I see you soar, I see you fly. You break his heart, you make him cry. 'Cause while you put on the sweetest face, we both know that you are. A. Devil!"
"A Devil!" the crowd clapped along. Ah they loved this song! About her saving a poor boy from a mean girlfriend. They all imagined their shrews of mothers, siblings, ex's, all thinking that Ran could come along and be the heroine their lonely hearts deserve!
Little guessing that the devil she was singing about was, of course, Lum. Oh, make no mistake that Lum knew about it. Rather the whole point of the endeavor. But since Ran had threatened to reveal what age it was when she finally stopped wetting the bed - well, even the ruler of a planet doesn't want that getting out.
Of course, the tabloids played up the idea that she had some kind of romantic attraction with this 'devil', but that's fans for you. They'll read into anything. Ran had seen the fanfiction people were posting around the galactic internet, she'd sometimes spend hours reading it to totally mock it.
"...I'll save that love for you!" Ran finished the song, to the deafening cheers of the crowd. "Thank you! I'm so happy to see all of Ran's fans -" who paid lots of money for tickets - "Are here to see me!"
"We love you Ran!" The crowd cheered. Ran suppressed a maniacal laugh at that declaration. Nobody had said that to Lum in months!
She blew them a kiss. A young man in the front row fainted. Hah! This was why Ran always loved these public appearances. It was always so funny seeing these guys who stood as much a chance with her as a snowball on Venus worshiping her like a 20th century Goddess!
Because the only true light in her life was Rei. Well... that and ruining Lum's day.
"So, does anyone have a request?" Ran winked at the crowd, which they could hopefully see thanks to the giant holographic projectors showing her in detail on the sides of the stage.
"Electric Heart Attack!" The crowd cheered, picking another popular hit of hers. Critics often wondered why so many of Ran's songs used electricity as a theme. Some thought it was meant to symbolize the new technology being given to Earth at such a rapid pace. Others thought there were more mythological connotations. Ran was amused that nobody thought it was part of spiting Lum in Popular Culture.
"Well, if you insist," Ran said, strutting around the stage like she owned it. And you know what? While she was on it, she kind of did.
After the concert was over, Ran was backstage relaxing in a bubble bath. Now this may conjure up an image of a bath overflowing with bubbles. Ran reclining, naked but covered in suds. She sticks her leg in the air, lets water run off it, that kind of thing. But no. It was a bath shaped like a bubble, floating in the air. It was a sight that any of her fans would kill, probably literally, to see. But tragically for them the only individual allowed inside Ran's changing room when Ran was relaxing was her agent. Mostly because they were, as required by her contracts, to be robots programmed to be asexual.
"You. Were. Really. Cool. Out. There. Today. Miss. Ran." the "Lost in Space" looking robot in a business suit said.
"Cool? I'd rather be hot!" Ran yelled, tossing soap at the robot. "Sparkling hot! Burning like the sun!"
"Of. Course. Miss. Ran." the robot agent said, and if you listened closely enough you could hear a touch of strain in their mechanical tone. Like a man on the verge of cracking like an egg. They took out a handkerchief and rubbed down the top of their dome, similarly to how someone might wipe sweat off their forehead. "There. Is. Some. News. About. Lum."
A rubber duck bounced off the robot agent. "Don't say her name without warning!" Ran yelled. "So? What news is this? And give me back my rubber duckie! It's mine! Not for robots to play with."
The robot agent sighed, but immediately moved to pick up the duck and return it to Miss Ran. As soon as they were within range, she took the duck and kicked it away hard enough to crash into the corner of the room.
"Miss. Lum. Was. Challenged. To. A. Rematch. By. The. Human. She. Defeated. In. The. Tag. Race. She. Trounced. Him. Again."
"Pft, that'll give her a bit of an ego boost." Ran rolled her eyes. "Oh, look at me. I can fly and completely humiliated Earth's randomly picked champion two times in a row! Blegh!"
"As. A. Condition. Of. Victory. She. Is. Going. On. A. Date. With. This. Human."
The robot agent suddenly found a really, really long and stretchy towel wrapped around them. Then they made a little beepy noise that very nearly sounded like the sort of tone someone might use when saying "oh god no." At which time, the poor suffering robot was tugged right into a wrench that, for some reason, Ran had kept by her bubble bath.
"She's going on a date with some stupid human dork?!" Ran yelled in disbelief. "From what I heard, he was a perfectly average dork! Not handsome, barely even average looking, and she's going on a date with him... after beating him in a second tag race!"
Incidentally, each and every syllable in that outburst was accompanied by the clanging sound of a robot agent being hit with a wrench. Their... shoulders(?) sagged, in much the same way that a salaryman's shoulder's might while thinking 'I had the potential to be a Doctor or a lawyer'.
"Perhaps. Miss. Ran. Lu-. The. Oni. Woman. Is. Lonely. After. Breaking. Up. With. Mr. Rei."
The robot moved away from Ran a fraction of an inch, then moved another fraction when her hand reached out towards them. But no, no pain this time. Only a gentle pat.
"She's lonely after breaking up with Rei!" Ran said, eyes sparkling. "So lonely that she'll settle for an unattractive Earth man stupid enough to challenge her to a second tag race! Ohohoho! That gives li'l Ran a wonderful idea." If Lum has a new boyfriend... "Then I'll steal him too! Right under her nose! Then once her heart is broken I'll drain his energy all away, teehee! Isn't li'l Ran sooooo devious?"
"Or. You. Could. Live. Well. And. Date. Rei. Like. You. Always. Wanted."
The robot was now tossed across the room. Ah. Such a shame. One of hell's greatest punishments is a glimpse of heaven. There is no sorrow without hope.
"All I have to do is engineer a little old meeting between me and that boy," Ran said. "Shouldn't be too hard. If he's re-entered the public light, an idol like me should be able to arrange a meeting and arrange a smooching with no trouble at all!"
"As. An. Idol. Your. Moves. Are. Watched. Constantly. It. Would. Ruin. Your. Reputation. To. be. Seen. Kissing. A. Boy."
Ran lifted her foot - and stomped the ground indignantly. "That's a very good point! Stupid and sexist, but Lil'Ran can't reform the Idol Industry in a day!" she yelled right at the robot. Even with alien invasions some cultural attitudes took some time to change, and an Idol staying 'pure' was one of them for now. "Humph! Then I'll have to do something clever!"
The robot agent said nothing. They still found themself embedded in the ceiling a few seconds later. Apparently for 'insinuating that she was stupid or something'.
"I know!" Ran said, happily skipping around the room and laughing cutely/maniacally to herself. "I'll set up a six month anniversary for the first contact with extraterrestrial life! Teehee! It would only make sense to have it in that 'tomobiki' place! It's the perfect excuse! Then I'll hire some P.I's to find somebody he's friends with and use them to give him tickets! It's a perfect plan! Nothing could possibly go wrong!"
"On. Earth. They. Have. Something. Called. Murphy's. Law." the robot began, only to get yanked out of the ceiling and remodeled into a self-slapstick inducing robot. They would automatically teleport a banana, coat it in a thin layer of oil, drop it in front of themself, roll forward and pitch over, correct themself and repeat the process.
This was Ran's 20th Robot Agent, by the way. They all quit rather quickly. Not that she noticed.
You've never seen a young man set about adjusting his collar and tie with such fearsome determination before. It was as if he was preparing to go out on some grand vendetta from which he might not return, though the impression was rather betrayed by the bouquet of flowers resting on the table under the mirror.
"I'll show her," Ataru Moroboshi griped. "I'll take her on a date so good, she'll give the planet back!"
Yep, the poor boy was reduced to this. Complete delusions over his dating power. Still, he was getting ready for it like a soldier heading off to war. He had his weapons. Some chocolate and some flowers... though he wasn't entirely sure about her anatomy, he was pretty certain she would at least appreciate the effort. He marched right on by his parents, who were watching television in the living room.
"Well, I'm off." He called out to them.
"Have fun dear," his father said.
"For pity's sake, try not to knock her up," his mother said. "Who knows what manner of abomination it might birth into this world."
"Can't be worse than what we birthed." His father added, not looking away from the TV.
"Now, dear. You know that where our Ataru is involved, the phrase 'can't be worse' is taken by the universe as a challenge to overcome."
No emotional support to be found here. What did he expect? His parents only reaction to him staying in his room for six months was to wonder if they should try for a daughter "to get it right this time!" Ataru straightened up his back, strode confidently towards the door, reached out for the handle and then -
"I've got them this time!"
Was bowled over by his ex(?)girlfriend. Who rushed right on into the house without even knocking, landing on top of him. Which was nice, but not right now.
"Knock knock?" Ryuunosuke rapped her knuckles on the doorframe. "Yeah, sorry about her. Soon as I told her, she rushed off here."
Ataru noted that she wasn't breaking a sweat. And he had a lot of skin to look at to check for this. Ryuunosuke was rocking that tiger print bikini most girls her age were wearing these days. It was hot, but at the same time Ataru was really worried he'd get too used to it.
"Hi Shinobu," he said, gently extracting himself from underneath her. "What's got you so excited?"
"Six month anniversary!" Shinobu excitedly explained(?) "Who holds a six month anniversary?! Surely it's a year, not a half year!"
Ataru stared at her for a long hard moment. Then Ryuunosuke sighed, sensing his utter confusion, and unfurled a poster for him to look at. On that poster was a really cute, doll-like pink haired babe wearing a really cute dress and holding out a microphone while hearts floated all around her. It was weird. He could hear that poster even though it wasn't making a sound.
Then Ataru reconized the girl in the poster from the tabloids and even his own school's lunchroom. "That Ran idol? What about her?"
"She's holding a six month celebration of the Oni arriving," Ryuunosuke shrugged. "Li'l miss tinfoil hat here thinks it's some kinda Oni plot to brainwash the population or something."
"That's not what I think!" Shinobu yelled. "I think... This is the work of rival alien agents seeking to use Ataru as a means to hurt the Oni. That's what this is."
"Uh huh... So you wanna help out these rival aliens?"
"No! They're aliens and they're plotting to use humans!" Shinobu nodded, as if that made perfect sense. "Therefore, their plot must be undone. For the good of humankind, we shall not be used as proxies in their intergalactic conflict. So what we're going to do is turn the plot that the aliens have against both of them!"
"I dunno, ain't this Ran chick a friend of Lum's?" Ryuunosuke said. "Least accordin' to the tabloid's I've seen." More than friends, according to some.
"Ran grew up on the Oni homeworld and they were playmates all throughout childhood. Plus they went to Elementary, Middle, and High School together." Shinobu explained, "Which is exactly why I know Ran must be some alien double agent planted by Lum's enemies."
"Wow you know a lot about Ran." Ataru said. "You almost sound like a fan or something."
"Me? A fan of an alien infiltrator into our pop culture?" Shinobu asked. Funny thing, she sure was squirming a lot just now. "Why would I ever buy all her songs and music videos and have an alien made player in my house to play them!?"
"We stood in line for a couple hours last month when her "Electric Heart Attack" album came out." Ryuunosuke said, and Shinobu shrieked and hid her blushing face in her hands.
"I'm studying the alien's attempted infiltration of our pop culture so that I know what I'm fighting." She transparently lied.
"Which is why we went to that karaoke place with the dancing game, and cranked out all her songs," Ryuunosuke nodded. Shinobu shrunk down even more. "Anyway, apparently I won some contest and got sent some tickets in the mail. Trick is, I gotta take a male friend and you're the only guy I -"
"Rejected!" Shinobu interrupted. "Not a chance! Trust me, you don't want to go on a date with Mister Grabby here! Not in a concert, and not dressed like that. Instead, you'll take me and dress up like a boy yourself!"
"Rejected!" Ryuunosuke crossed her arms. "I ain't dressing like no man, not ever again! Got it? You wanna go to this concert so bad, you be the dude!"
"F-Fine! B-but you got to give me advice on how to pass as a guy!" Shinobu said.
"Yeah, yeah. But first we gotta work on that walk of yours. It's way too girly, you know?"
And off they went, having an argument about Shinobu cross-dressing and going to this concert and foiling evil alien plots, leaving Ataru standing there with a crushed bouquet of flowers staring out into the street as they left.
"You're not fooling anyone," his mother called out, having not taken her eyes off the screen. "You don't especially care about that confusing conversation much."
"That's right," his father added. "You're using it as an excuse to stare at their behinds."
"I can do two things at once!" Ataru shouted at his parents.
"And it only took sixteen years." His mother said.
Ataru wished his parents would just have their daughter already so they could focus their ire on her already. As for him, he had a date... with destiny!
Also an annoying alien who did not have a cute smile that made him weak at the knees!
The day that the Oni came had been the worst day of Shinobu's life. She had always been a bit… odd. Brash and independent. Not to mention she could bench press trucks when motivated. But she grew up in a very conservative society. "The Nail that sticks up gets Hammered down" and all. So she strove to be Normal. To suppress her oddities and grow up to be a proper young lady.
Then a group of aliens with far more liberal attitudes about damn near everything show up and impose their view on society on humanity by force. Racism, sexism, homophobia all sorts of bigotry were no longer allowed on Earth. True Equality is the law of the land, and Japan's culture of conformity has been battered hard the past six months. Take, for instance, School Uniforms. They don't exist anymore. No school required uniforms. Everybody could wear whatever they wanted to school.
And with how comfortable and attractive the alien outfits were, a massive majority of people chose them. Cue a bunch of girls - human girls - strutting around in tiger print bikinis. Uncaring that the boys could see almost everything they had to offer.
Shinobu needed things to be normal again. If "normal" changed than all the work she had done suppressing her strength, forcing herself to smile and nod when boys talked instead of telling them how dumb they were sounding, trying desperately to make Ataru normal, all would be wasted. For nothing. Her life had been chasing an arbitrary standard made up by people rather then Just How Things Were.
So Shinobu had looked for people who were also interested in restoring things to How Things Should Be. She looked, and looked, and looked. And found people who claimed to know the truth. What the media wasn't telling you, what the aliens real objective was. And how to protect yourself from them. They gave her magazines, pamphlets, and other informative literature.
Shinobu would be really disappointed if she learned that the most her new "allies" had done was scribble out "The Illuminati" and replace it with "aliens" to find their new truth.
So now the girl looking to be normal at any cost was getting some men's clothing ready. Because apparently this ticket her friend over the past 6 months won required a boy and a girl to go with them. And despite Ryuunosuke being able to pull off being a man really well she refused to do so after Miss Sakura hooked her up with those special holograph outfits.
"Maintaining a resistance against a technologically superior alien race that's conquered your world is a lot harder than it looks in the movies..." Shinobu mused. "I thought they'd just die of Earth illnesses or we could break into their spaceships computers."
Well anyway. This kind of skill might prove to be pretty useful in future, the more she thought about it. Confuse the enemy. Make them look for a boy that was causing trouble, and they'd surely overlook the cute girl. Hah! Yes, it would definitely take some practice, but that might well work!
Earth made clothing was cheaper by the day. So Shinobu was able to pretty easily pick up a Beatles T-shirt and matching jeans. Ryuunosuke had gently guided her to male clothing that didn't look weird. Then she actually gave Shinobu one of her old sarsashis. Shinobu tied up her shoulder length hair and looking in the mirror she looked like a slender and pretty young man.
She looked over to something that would surprise a lot of people. It was alien technology. An "NP3" player that could play music she bought from the discs she bought. Even she had to admit some alien technology was good. If only the whole "we rule your planet now" thing wasn't part of the package. She picked it up and put the headphones in her ears. Some of Ran's pop music started playing. Something about Ran's slightly sarcastic singing just appealed to Shinobu at a deep level. None of the other Ran fans Shinobu had (in disguise, she had a reputation to keep) talked to had really seemed to catch the double meanings and sarcastic jokes in her music. She made a note to ask Ran about that if she ever got to see her.
Once "A Thousand Cupcakes" finished playing she stopped the NP3 player and pocketed it. It was time to go pick up her date
If you were to ask Mr. Fujinami what he thought of the Oni Invasion he'd ask "The hell are you talking about, you dumbass?"
Yes the man was that oblivious to the world around him. He cared about Hamajaya, ensuring that his daughter continued to be his son, and trolling her as much as possible. The order of preference shifted on an hourly basis.
He was currently scribbling down notes about either a new method of gaining profit for the Hamajaya, or to ruin Ryuunosuke's day. Luckily both these things were often combined. His musings were interrupted by a knock on the School Store entrance. "Who's there!" He shouted at the door.
"Mr. Fujinami open up!" a voice at the other end of the door said.
"That doesn't answer my question!" he said in a louder voice. Then he was kicked in the side of his head by his daughter, slamming him into the table.
"Can't you even answer a damn door!"
"Oh! My aching sides! My son, please invite our guest in so that they might help tend to my injuries!"
"Ya stupid ugly annoying old…" Ryuunosuke muttered, walking over to the door and opening it up. Mr. Fujinami saw who was on the other side of the door. Why, it was a small young man!
"Ready to go Ryuunosuke?" the Beatles fan asked. Wait. A thought, for once, entered Mr. Fujinami's mind. His "son" was going out with another man!
"I thought I raised you better boy! Going on a date with another man!" He roared in righteous fatherly anger! "To think you would engage in such unmanly-" Suddenly he was hti in the face and sent flying into the wall on the other side of the room. Ah! He'd recognize that right hook anywhere! "Miyake!? What are you doing dressed like that!?"
Shinobu frowned, "It's a long story. We're just going-"
"On a date yes! My son's cute girlfriend deserves better than those manly clothes!" Mr. Fujinami from… somewhere pulled out a bikini so skimpy even current fashions would find it scandalous. Honestly one wondered how her private bits would even be covered with so little fabric. "Here you go! Oh, but I'd better leave the room while you change -"
Cue two girls clocking the idiot on either side of his dumb fat head.
"This isn't a date!" Shinobu shouted, "I mean I guess it might be considered by some but and we're both going to a concert together but it's because Ryuunosuke won some tickets and I have to dress like this to get in!"
"Why do you need to crossdress to go on a date with my son?" Mr. Fujinami asked.
Shinobu frowned. Nothing anybody said to this man could convince him that he had a daughter. To the point where Ryuunosuke actively had some alien technology to make it look like, just to him, she was still wearing male clothing. Luckily she thought up something. "It's just the gimmick of the concert, that's all."
Mr. Fujinami stared at her with that disturbing face of his. Then he smiled, which was somehow creepier. "Well have fun!" He slapped Ryuunsouke on the back. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
"That's like the exact opposite of how to live a good life old man." Ryuunosuke muttered, taking Shinobu's hand. "Come on let's get outta here." The alleged couple slipped out of Casa de Fujinami to places without idiot dads.
"Honestly. I don't get where he got the idea we're dating." Shinobu said with a annoyed huff. Trying not to think about that they had gone on a date at least once to convince a stalker of hers to leave her alone.
"You did kinda shove me in a tuxedo to match your bride costume for that contest a while back." Ryuunosuke threw in another memory Shinobu was trying not to think about at the moment.
Shinobu groaned, her face turning a little redder. "Look, that was just because, uh, you were still dressing as a guy and pulled off the look so well!"
"What do you mean she's plopping a concert in the middle of Tomobiki!?" Shutaro's voice got a bit higher pitched, some spittle hitting the Oni attendant who had just given him the news. "Princess Lum is already in danger and Ran is pulling something!?"
"I don't think a date is a danger." The attendant said. Mentally he was calculating the pay raises he'd get for dealing with this Shutaro Mendo guy. Princess Lum had been giving increasingly large ones as their Mendo Filters kept breaking. "So could you just pass down this paperwork to the Princess? My shift ends… now." The papers were pushed into Shutaro's hands and the Oni flew away, far away from him. Shutaro didn't pay him any heed, he was but a commoner after all. He instead looked down at the papers. Ran had set up a concert as part of an anniversary deal. Celebrating 6 months since the first content.
"This is nonsensical, there's no reason to celebrate Princess Lum showing up six months ago. A year maybe, but not six months." This had to be some scheme of Ran. Shutaro was pretty sure the entire reason that cutesy pink haired alien had even bothered to come to Earth was to scheme against Lum. He needed to warn Lum. Sure all the paperwork had already been filed but as the person in charge of Earth Lum could probably veto it. Shutaro knew that whatever scheme Ran was planning might endanger her!
"I've got to warn her! Princess!" Shutaro shouted, running dramatically to her office where she would asuredly be getting in some last minute work instead of preparing for a disaster of a date with some low life failure! He reached her office and pushed open the door. "Princess!"
"Huh? I'm not a princess Shuchan." Someone who was not Lum said while sitting on her chair. The wild haired roughly dressed idiot said. He took a bite of a baseball like it was an apple.
"Tonch- err, Mizunokoji what the hell are you doing in the Princess's office!?" Shutaro shouted.
"Is that what you're calling your sister? That's a bit creepy." Tombimaru said, finishing off his baseball. It was honestly a little unnerving how he could eat those. And then spit them back out on command. Even if he had chewed them up.
"Princess Lum! The new ruler of the planet!" Shutaro felt a headache coming along. Somehow whenever Tombimaru showed up Lum and any other galactic representatives were elsewhere. And Shutaro's rival spent years in the woods training to to play baseball. As such he had completely missed the change of management for Humanity and somehow continued to miss it.
"Who?" Tombimaru said, "Anyways I'm here for a rematch, after our last game ended in a tie!" It had ended with a score of 0-0 after a full day of play.
"I'm busy with other things. I've got to stop a concert from-"
"Ohh is that why Ryoko gave me these tickets?" Tombimaru held up a pair of cute tickets with Ran's cute face on them. "You want to go see this idol before we compte? That's fine by me. I haven't heard much music, what with training in the wilderness and all."
Shutaro twitched, why did Ryoko have to make life more difficult! He needed to stop the concert! Not go to- wait.
If he personally went to the concert, then he could work to stop Ran's plans directly instead of trying to use bureaucracy! His face split into a manic smile. "Of course Tonchan! I hear Ran is real popular with the common folk so I decided it'd be a good way for us to catch up!"
"Oh great! Maybe we can use the stadium it's in for our game afterwards." Tombimaru said, pulling out another baseball and swallowing it.
"Yes yes." Of course this time Shutaro would make sure he won the match. Unlike the last disaster where Ryoko got her hands on some duplication ray and used it on his rival.
As a fan Shinobu knew these tickets were the Holy Grail. Special VIP Line skipping tickets with backstage access after the show! Her hands were almost shaking with the special holographic tickets!
Shinobu had to loudly deny this when at school. She had to stay normal. Until Earth was ruled by human beings again she had to avoid any public hints that there might be anything worthwhile about Alien culture. She had to deny that she liked Ran's music. Had to deny that she had thought Ryuunsouke had been han-
But right now she wasn't recognizable as "Shinobu Miyake." She was in disguise as as a boy. Taking a pretty girl to a popular Idol's concert. OK, it was a bit annoying that Mr. Fujinami thought it was a date. It wasn't! She was a normal girl, and normal girls don't crossdress and go on dates with other girls!
"So you really think Ran's tryin to pull somethin?" Ryuunosuke asked her while they walked. Neither wanted to take the hover bus to the stadium.
"Just a gut feeling I have. The tabloids are always on about some weird relationship with them but there's that bigfoot guy or something." Shinobu said, "I bet there's some point of contention, since they're never seen together publically. It's always just candid shots. Why wouldn't the current ruler of the planet want to pal around with the newest pop sensation? When they have history together? Unless it's a bad history and they're rival factions or something."
"You know all this but you didn't bother to remember who runs the Galactic Internet?" Ryuunosuke said with a bit of amused exacerbation.
"So whatever Ran wants to do we've got to take!"
"And her autograph right?" Ryuunosuke said.
"Ye- no! I mean... Damn it Ryuunosuke!"