Thanks for reviewing caseyjr, davisbaker, agentrez, tp404, wordsmeaneverything, arubagirl0926, ghostwhisperjimel, stagediva23, rafap, molly, amanda, sarah, minervaann, h23brock, caroline, kelly, sb1218, jordan, anne, khloe, katie, catherine, lauralynn3, amy, abby, and erin!
Thanks everyone for being so patient while I'm at the beach with my familia! I've been plugging away on this extremely annoying old laptop keyboard every second I could get away (late at night, the one rainy day, faking a nap, etc.) to get you this next chapter while I'm still on vacation. At least you don't have to wait all three weeks to get another update!
I hope it was worth the wait.
(PS.. just for a laugh, I'll tell you that, on the beach yesterday, my four and a half year old brother Carter asked me what rocks were made out of...and his follow up questions ended with him asking me when I was going to get married.. haha! To distract him, I finally gave in and aided him in burying himself up to his neck, which wasn't hard since he's a peanut. Gotta love him. )
And I hope everyone's having as great a summer as I am :) I don't want it to end, but i only have a month left! ughhh
ENJOY!
;
AGE 3 1/2
Since the disasterous fight months ago, Brulian were doing there best to respect each other and value each other so they could get things back on track.
They'd made it leaps and bounds and were very happy with each other right now. But it was still more difficult when Julian was an ocean away.
Yes, he finally ended up heading out on that European location shoot for his new movie. It was supposed to happen almost a nine months ago anyways, but Julian was able to postpone and fend off annoyed producers in order to stay in Tree Hill longer. He wanted to make this movie, don't get me wrong, he loved this script and the actors they picked, BUT his sons and his wife were priority, especially since Jude's asthma diagnosis and scare. He just couldn't leave them then. And then with him and Brooke being a little 'rocky' of late, he didn't want him leaving to make things worse.
But he couldn't put it off any longer. The movie was done shooting in Wilmington for two months before they traveled overseas to London to shoot on location with the actors.
That started three weeks ago. He's been away from his family for three weeks, and it wasn't getting easier with each passing day.
Julian hoped Brooke was doing alright with everything. He hoped their new little project would continue to go smoothly.
;
Brooke sat on the side of the tub in her bathroom while she rubbed an alcohol pad on her upper thigh. She took out the needle and measured the liquid precisely how the nurse had taught her. She then turned the needle around on herself and took a deep breathe before injecting herself with the medication. She hissed at the pain, she just couldn't get used to it no matter how many times she did it. But that wouldn't make her stop. No way!
Brooke was the epitome of determination.
She disgarded of the used items and went into the bedroom to get dressed for the day. As she walked towards her closet in her bathrobe, she stopped to admire the picture in a frame on her dresser. It was of Jude and Davis with bright smiles as they held their little 'cousin' Melodie McFadden, who was crying her eyes out.
For just a second, Brooke pretended the baby girl was hers.
(flashback in italics, five months ago)
"What are you thinking about now?"
Brooke was brought out of her daze and she realized she had been staring at Julian for awhile now.
"Uh.. I was just thinking about a little baby girl with your eyes. The boys don't really have your eyes..."
Julian smiled and closed a script he was reading.
"I know you, Brooke Davis... You've been wanting another baby for quite some time now, am i right?"
"How do you always guess?"
"I don't guess... I just told you, I know," Julian repeated as she walked over and plopped down next to him.
"But it's sefish, right? I mean, we got these two miracle boys, a miracle in their conception and for them making it through the complications of prematurity... I should just shut my mind off of us having more children.. I just-"
"You want a little girl."
"So so much," Brooke was almost ashamed to say it.
"That's not selfish, Brooke."
"No, it is."
"Well maybe we could go to your doctor and see if maybe we could try some fertility stuff."
"You would do that?" She looked up into his eyes.
"I imagine a little girl with my eyes, too, sometimes."
Brooke leaned up to kiss him.
"We may not get a girl, though.. I mean, what if all my swimmers are male?" Julian partially joked.
"Then I'll be outnumbered even more."
It was the start of a hard road ahead. Hopefully it would be worthwhile.
After that talk, Brooke had visited her gynecologist who referred the couple to a fertility specialist. Considering Brooke's medical history and diagnosis of infertility in the past, the specialist started Brooke on injectible horomones combined with medications in pill form to stimulate egg production. They hoped with these meds that Brooke and Julian could then get pregnant naturally once again... ... ...
"Where have you been?" Brooke snapped as Julian strolled through the door after work. He was a little later than usual, but not by much.
"Well hello to you, too, wife. Where are my sons?"
"Haley picked them up an hour ago so we could have an hour or two to ourselves. You know what today is Julian."
"I do?"
Brooke groaned and put her hands over her face to stifle her annoyance. The last thing she wanted was a screaming match.. she couldn't overreact.
"I'm ovulating today, Julian.. It's our chance."
"Oh right! I'm sorry.. Yeah, just give me a few minutes." Julian scampered into the master bathroom while Brooke laid on their bed.
"What are you a girl? Hurry up!"
Julian opened the door. "Whoa there.. not nice or smart of you when you want me to impregnate you right now."
"Right, sorry," Brooke blushed. Julian walked over to the bed and Brooke grabbed his shirt immediately.
Sex became a bit of a chore for Brooke and Julian over those few months and Brooke became like a tyrant.
"Again!" Brooke rolled off her back and lightly tapped his chest as he laid next to her now. "Come on."
"Brooke.." Julian tried to catch his breath. "I can't just bounce back in two seconds. We've done it twice already."
"That's never stopped us in the past." Brooke threw her leg over his body and kind of sat on top of him. Julian groaned.
"Brooke! No!"
"The more times we do it, the more chances we have of getting pregnant!"
Julian still stopped her.
"Look at this, Brooke! This is not how sex is supposed to be! You only throw yourself at me when your doctor's calandar tells you to, but you won't consider making love to me at the spir of the moment anymore. This is nuts!"
"We have to stay on the schedule, Julian. It's our best chance!"
He could tell she was getting upset now.
"Brooke..."
She lowered her head because she knew she was wrong and that this whole thing was crazy.
"I'm sorry.." Brooke slid off of Julian and sat on their bed with her hands in her lap.
"It's fine. I just wanted you to see how not good this is for us..."
"What if we never get another baby, Julian? What if this is all for nothing and it drives us apart?"
She was still insecure about the tension between them in the past year. The last thing she wanted was another fight or a breakup.
"It won't.." He assured her. "And if we want another child, we'll get one."
... ... ...but after they had no success for months, Brooke had an ultrasound that showed that most of her eggs weren't maturing properly and couldn't fertilize with Julian's sperm naturally. The doctor said the fact that they got the twins in the first place was a crazy long shot.
Brooke was obviously hurt, but faced the obstacle head on with Julian's support. For the past month she's been on many medications to stimulate egg maturity so they can eventually do an egg retrieval, fertilize the mature eggs in the lab with Julian's sperm, and hopefully reimplant them back into Brooke to get a pregnancy for them. This IVF plan was giving her tons of extra stress, especially with Julian being forced to travel for work.
;
Today Brooke had an ultrasound appointment and the hope was that they would find viable eggs developing so they could do an egg retrieval, also known as a follicular aspiration, soon. The scary part was that Brooke was unsure if Julian would make it back from filming in time. He wasn't due back for at least a week and she wanted Julian there... They could preserve the eggs until Julian could get back and provide his sample, but she wanted him there with her when she went under anestesia to actually extract the eggs.
"Boys, let's go. Mommy wants to leave right now."
Brooke stood at the open front door waiting for Jude and Davis to appear. They were right with her a second ago, but of course now they were gone. The boys were constantly sidetracked, expecially when Brooke was on a time crunch to leave the house. Jude came bounding around the corner and almost went face first into Brooke's side as he rushed out the front door. She wondered why he was laughing.
"Davey, Mommy's in a hurry."
Her appointment was fast approaching.
"I comin'," Davis gave her slight attitude as he walked towards her with his hands behind his back. He tried to sneak by her and get to the car quickly but Brooke stopped him.
"What've you got there, bud?" she asked curiously and suspiciously.
"Nothing." He kept walking, bringing his hands to the front once he passed her.
Brooke grabbed his shoulder to stop him. Then she noticed his tiny clasped hands covered in dirt.
"What is in your hands!"
Davis knew he'd been caught and he opened his hands to show his Mom what he and his twin had been keeping in their room for a few days.
A small toad. A small dead toad.
"Oh no, no, no. That is not going in my car, nevermind in your hands and in my house!"
Brooke was kind of creeped out and grossed out. God know's where it'd been.
"Where'd you even get this?"
"Jude caught it outside but it didn't move anymore." Meaning it died in their care...
Brooke tried to forget the fact that it was in their room for the moment.
"And he made you carry it?"
Davis nodded.
Her son Jude was crafty. And he was smart. He knew he wouldn't get past her with that frog thing, so he gave that failing job to Davis.
"Leave it here on the porch and we'll deal with this later," Brooke said forcefully. She meant business.
"No, we wanna keep it!" Jude yelled and ran back from the car.
"We dont have time for this, guys. It can't come with us!"
Brooke made Davis drop it on the porch steps and guided her two sons to the car. She belted them into their seats and handed each a wet-wipe because she didn't want the toad germs to linger. As Brooke pulled away, she shook her head.
She needed a girl.
;
The car ride home from the doctor's office was silent. Davis and Jude had conked out for their nap as soon as Brooke started driving again, and Brooke was too upset to do anything but drive around the town aimlessly.
The ultrasound showed no developing eggs, despite medication that was supposed to stimulate more eggs. So Brooke's specialist told her to wait out her next period and then they would start her on different or heavier doses for the next cycle. The egg retrieval obviosly had to wait until there were actual eggs to retrieve!
Great, Brooke thought. The doses she was on now already caused her to feel bloated and crampy, her breasts hurt and she felt nauteous occasionally, too. It sucked already. It could only get worse with more concentrated IVF medication.
Brooke was pulled from her pity party when her phone buzzed. She grabbed it quickly and said a quiet hello.
"Hey Brooke, how'd your appointment go?"
Brooke looked in the rear-view mirror to make sure the boys weren't disturbed by her conversation.
"It didn't work, Julian." She barely got the words out.
"At all? I-Uh- there were no eggs at all?"
Brooke wished a shake of her head could be heard through the phone so she didn't have to say yes. Crying would definately result from any more talking.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie. It's probably just your body freaking out about all these new meds and stuff that it has to adjust to. But next month, okay. I'm sure next month..." Julian knew.
"Hopefully... Um I gotta go. The boys are napping and I... have stuff to do." Brooke told him.
"Okay." Julian decided to let her go instead of telling her the other reason he called. "I miss you. Give the boys a kiss for me."
"I miss you too, bye." Brooke hung up and pulled into her driveway. She let her head rest on the steering wheel as the bigger tears now fell.
;
That night at bedtime, Brooke sat in the big rocking chair that still resided in the boys' room, because she insisted it stay. Davis was curled up on her right side while Jude picked a book from the shelf.
"I don't like 'dese, Mama," Jude complained about the selection. He would've rather read something more adventurous than baby books.
"Just pick one, crazy, or it will be Davis's turn to pick again."
Jude settled on something and ran back to the chair and climbed up Brooke's leg. Brooke put her arm around him as he settled on her left knee and leaned back. Now that the boys were older, Brooke let them hold the book and turn the pages when it was their turn. This left Brooke's arms free to hold her little guys and rub their little tummies and play with their soft locks of hair. Jude let her read the title before he opened the book.
"O0o this one's a good pick, J... The Runaway Bunny."
Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, "I am running away."
"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny."
"If you run after me," said the little bunny,
"I will become a fish in a trout stream
and I will swim away from you."
"If you become a fish in a trout stream," said his mother,
"I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you."
"If you become a fisherman," said the little bunny,
"I will become a rock on the mountain, high above you."
"If you become a rock on the mountain high above me,"
said his mother, "I will become a mountain climber,
and I will climb to where you are."
"If you become a mountain climber,"
said the little bunny,
"I will be a crocus in a hidden garden."
"If you become a crocus in a hidden garden,"
said his mother, "I will be a gardener. And I will find you."
"If you are a gardener and find me,"
said the little bunny, "I will be a bird
and fly away from you."
"If you become a bird and fly away from me,"
said his mother, "I will be a tree that you come home to."
"If you become a tree," said the little bunny,
"I will become a little sailboat,
and I will sail away from you."
"If you become a sailboat and sail away from me,"
said his mother, "I will become the wind
and blow you where I want you to go."
"If you become the wind and blow me," said the little bunny,
"I will join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze."
"If you go flying on a flying trapeze," said his mother,
"I will be a tightrope walker,
and I will walk across the air to you."
"If you become a tightrope walker and walk across the air,"
said the bunny, "I will become a little boy
and run into a house."
"If you become a little boy and run into a house,"
said the mother bunny, "I will become your mother
and catch you in my arms and hug you."
"Shucks," said the bunny, "I might just as well
stay where I am and be your little bunny."
And so he did.
"Have a carrot," said the mother bunny.
"The End," Brooke said and then Jude closed the book.
Brooke loved this story. It was so very fitting for her little ones. No matter what they ever did or where they ever went, she would always love them and she would always follow them. They were her little babies and nothing would ever change that.
She looked down at her boys. Jude was yawning and Davis's eyes were barely open. They tried so hard to stay awake as long as possible and Brooke found it so adorable.
"Time for bed."
Brooke did her best to rise from the chair still holding both boys, but she failed miserably. They were getting heavier each passing month and it was harder for her to carry them both at once. Jude slid out of her arms just as she got to his bed and he stood up on it. Brooke then carried Davis the other two feet and laid him down gently. Brooke raised the covers up to Davis's neck as he rolled over onto his tummy. Brooke crouched down extra to kiss his head and say 'I love you." Davis mumbled something so Brooke stopped.
"What was that, Davey?"
Davis opened his eyes and sat up a little.
"I'm your lil bunny, right?"
Brooke smiled and nodded. That just melted her heart.
"Of course you are, baby. And you always will be."
Brooke kissed him again and Davis smiled before he succumbed to sleep completely.
Then she went over to Jude, who was still standing in his bed.
"Lay down, hoppy bunny."
Brooke pulled back his covers as Jude did a 'seat drop' onto his bed like it was a trampoline.
"Mummy?"
"Mmhmm?"
"Did Daddy leave 'cause of me?"
Brooke looked shocked and confused into his little sad face. She knelt down beside him.
"Of course not. Daddy left for work, you know that," she rubbed his head trying to assure him. "Why would you think that?"
Jude shrugged as he finally let his head hit the pillow.
Brooke hoped Jude hadn't been carrying this fear around since he heard hers and Julian's fight all those months ago. He hoped Jude didn't think it had anything to do with him or his medical issues as of late.
"Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. And we love you very much, even when we're not here to say it, okay? Daddy will be home as soon as his work is over, I promise."
"I miss Dadda," Jude frowned. "I wanna p'way wif him."
"I know buddy. So how about you go to sleep and have a really nice dream about you and Davis and Daddy playing together."
Jude nodded. "I love you, Mumma."
Brooke leaned down to kiss his head. Her hand lingered on his smaller hand.
"I love you too, baby. Now close your eyes."
Brooke went to the door and turned out the light before closing the door slightly.
She walked out to the living room and sat down on the couch with a thump, thinking about what had just happened.
After ten minutes or so, her phone started buzzing. She picked it up to see her husband's name and goofy smile picture displayed across her screen.
"Hi.. I just had the saddest talk with Jude tonight."
"What happened?" Julian asked.
"He asked if you left because of him... like because of when we fought in front of him or because of his hospital scare and stuff..."
"Oh geez. I hope you told him that's not true." Julian was concerned too.
"I did, I just hope he believes me and hadn't been carrying this around for a year."
"Who knew our sons were so perceptive?"
"You're telling me...so how's work going? Where are you now?"
"Ohh..I'm at my very favorite place of all," Julian teased.
"And where's that?" Brooke was curious. She wished she could have gone to Europe with him. She wanted to visit all those anazing places, but with twin three year olds, that was not realistic.
"I'm at a little place called...home." Julian said, smiling.
"What?" Brooke was confused as she stood up from the couch to look out the window at the street.
She gasped and dropped the phone before running to the door and literally sprinting across the lawn into his arms. Julian was just getting his luggage out of the cab and he extended his arms. He lifted her up and hugged her frame tight.
"What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't stand being away from you and my boys for one more day."
Julian kissed his wife just as he'd wanted to do for quite some time now. He put Brooke down, paid the cab driver, and then the couple started walking back into the house with his bags.
"But I thought you had another week at least of shooting."
"Well as the amazing director, I can power through the scenes quite fast."
"Oh really?"
"Well I definately had some motivations... to get home to my wife who is in pain and who needs me. And to see my young sons, who grow up faster everyday."
"Speaking of your boys... they wanted to make a welcome home sign for you but they didn't finish it yet. But I'm sure having their daddy here for breakfast in the morning will be much better than the silly poster."
Julian smiled, thinking of how wild his sons were with paint, or anything messy for that matter. While Julian got lost in that thought, Brooke stood on her tippy toes to reach up and kiss him.
"It's time for bed, Mr. Baker."
Julian smiled down at her.
"Oh it's good to be home."
;
Three and a half months later and the day had arrived. Brooke was scheduled for a blood test and ultrasound at her doctor's to see if they were finally pregnant again. IVF implantation day had come and gone, so now it was time to see negative or positive.
(italics is flashback)
"Are you sure you're okay?" Julian asked, sitting beside his wife in the pre-op cubicle. He sat beside a temporary hospital bed while Brooke adjusted the hidious gown she had to wear.
Right now they were just waiting for everything to get stated. Brooke had already emptied her bladder and she now had an IV. The doctor's would be in to get Brooke moved to the operating room and set up for the embryo transfer shortly.
The follicular aspiration had been a success five days before and the doctors were able to fertilize two eggs outside Brooke's body with Julian's sperm. So now they had two embryos to implant, hopefully so they could attach and become viable pregnancies.
Brooke was a little bit nervous that she would be awake this IVF procedure, unlike the follicular aspiration where she had been sedated, but she was more nervous about it working. She had been told that it took some people upwards of six IVF cycles in order to get one pregnancy... maybe. She didn't know if she could emotionally make it through all that disappointment.
"I'm fine," Brooke lied. She knew Julian didn't believe her anyways.
"Brooke," A nice nurse came in. "We're ready for you."
Brooke nodded and Julian helped her to a standing position so she could walk to the fertility clinic's version of an OR. She would be awake for the procedure, but they did it in an OR setting just in case of complications and so everything would remain completely sterile.
"You're gunna do great," Julian told her as he enveloped her into a hug. "And I'll be right here when you're done."
Brooke recognized the deja vu statement from when he said that before her egg retrieval. She knew Julian was a little bit ODC and superstitious, so since the last procedure was a success, he fiured he'd give her the same last minute pep talk.
"I love you," Brooke whispered and then walked out of the room with her nurse.
Julian sat down on the same chair and prayed that everything would go smoothly.
Best case scenario they would get a pregnancy the first try. He didn't want to think about the worst cases...
;
Inside the OR, the nurses positioned Brooke on the very technical looking operating table/chair/procedure table thing.
Then the annoying part started. The nurse guided Brooke's legs into the stirrups and the blanket over her knees was adjusted.
Brooke had never been a shy person, but having her legs spread for the whole medical team to glance at and poke and prod was a bit much for her. Her nerves were very prevalent to her, and it also must have been to the nurses as well.
"We're going to give you some mild medication through you're IV now, Brooke. It won't put you to sleep but it's just so you can relax but you won't feel any pain, okay?" A second nurse told her.
Brooke nodded, not in the mood to speak really. She hated to think about the fact that some nurses, just like this, had had to move her body and do that first procedure when she was sedated the other day for the egg retrieval. But she was certainly glad she was asleep when they inserted a long needle into her vagina, through her cervix, and into her ovaries to get the eggs.
The first nurse carefully and gently cleaned her vagina before the doctor came in.
"Hi Brooke. How are you feeling today?"
"I've been a little achey and crampy since the egg retrieval."
"Well that's normal. But you tell me if you feel any discomfort during this, alright? But I don't expect you to feel anything at all."
Brooke nodded again. The medication had definately calmed her nerves and her wandering, worst-case-scenario mind.
The doctor sat down on a small stool at Brooke's feet and began prepping the area. He did an initial transvaginal ultrasound of her anatomy before beginning.
"I'm just going to procede like it's a normal exam, Brooke, okay? Just take some deep breathes and try to relax."
Brooke took a deep breathe and closed her eyes while the doctor inserted the speculum to open up her vagina and visualize the cervix.
"I'm ready to insert the embryos now, Brooke. Let's cross our fingers and hope that they want to implant."
Brooke rolled her eyes. That was an understatement. How about crossing every bone in her body?
The doctor inserted the embryo-filled catheter in through her cervix and released the embryos so they would reach the top of her uterus.
That was it. The doctor stood up, told her to make an appointment for two weeks from now, and good luck.
The nurses wheeled her to a recovery room where she was reunited with Julian.
"How was it?"
"Pretty harmless. They said I may have some cramps or light bleeding, but it didn't hurt and I don't feel nauteous like last time."
"Good. They said I could take you home in about an hour. The boys will just be getting back from Jamie's baseball game with Mouth, Millie, and Mel, and I'm sure they'll be glad to see you. How does that sound?"
"It sounds perfect."
;
That was two weeks ago. And it was the moment of truth: was their first round of IVF successful...
When Brooke and Julian got to the doctor's office. Brooke had a blood test and urine test and now they were waiting for the results.
"Brooke, Julian. Hi nice to see you again," the doctor said as she opened the door to the exam room.
"So Brooke, I have your tests results..."
Julian squeezed Brooke's hand more.
"...and I'm sorry to say that you're not pregnant. The embryos were not able to implant and were most likely expelled in the bit of bleeding that you experienced."
Brooke immediately looked down at her lap. She had a feeling this was coming.
But where do they go from here? Repeat everything?
The doctor knew the couple was upset. Obviously IVF patients were looking for a baby.
"But we won't give up on you guys, so I'd like to discuss your options now."
"Another IVF cycle?" Julian asked.
The doctor nodded. "We generally have couples take at least a month off before starting the process over again."
Great, Brooke thought, more waiting. More money spent. More shots. More doctor's appointments and procedures. Everything repeated again.
"I know this is hard to take, and I'm sorry I didn't have better news for you, today. I'm sorry, guys."
"It's not your fault. You did everything you could do for us," Brooke said quietly, still not making eye contact.
"And I will continue to do just that until we're successful. But you two have something that most of my other patient don't have."
"What's that?" Brooke asked.
"Two adorable little boys waiting to make their Mommy and Daddy happy again."
Brooke smiled. The doctor was right. Most infertility patients didn't have a child at all. All they wanted was one, and Brooke and Julian already had two. Maybe that was a sign.
"Okay. So I'll see you guys soon. Take some time to be together without a doctor's schedule for a little bit and we'll start this back up again when your body is ready."
"Thank you, doctor." The doctor left the married couple alone.
"Ready to get home to our boys?"
Brooke sighed. "You betcha."
IVF cycle number 1 was unsuccessful, a failure, if you will. But that didn't mean it was the end. This wouldn't break them. If anything, it would make Brooke and Julian.. and their family stronger. Their family wasn't empty. It was full, just not totally complete yet, Brulian knew that. It would happen.
Maybe next time.
And until then... they had two beautiful, smiley, kind, spunky, sensitive, adventurous, loud, joyous, special young boys to make their life so very full.
Lots of medical technical stuff that I tried to be accurate about. I watch a ton of medical shows and baby shows, but I'm not a specialst. I'm not a nurse yet lol. But I hope, even if my facts weren't totally straight, that I got the point across.
REVIEW PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
So IVF didn't work this time. Will they continue on? Will it ever work? Will they ever have another baby (girl, possibly?) to call their own?
~Haley :)