Hello everyone! :) So, I'm thinking saying "sorry" for a delayed post had actually lost its meaning around the 4th chapter LOL, but I hope you will always remember I will never give up on this fic. You'll get an update from me sooner or later... hopefully sooner though! (Thanks to xdarkphoenix for lighting a fire under my arse)
Today, I turned another year older and I was thinking "holy batman!" ... I can't believe Daunting Silence started more than 4.5 years ago! I bet some of you graduated high school and college by now and this story just keeps on aging! Honestly, I had this crazy idea of writing about colonial Ashley Davies and I got my wish somewhere around chapter 11 LOL... but obviously, I couldn't just stop there. So, chapter 17 was another thing I was looking forward to... and I am looking forward to writing the next few chapters ;) Anyways, I was hoping to spend my day off tomorrow finishing chapter 20 so I could give you 2 substantial chapters to read, but in watching Big Bang Theory and seeing Sheldon's compulsion over obtaining closure to everything... and after having a large sea salt iced coffee from a favorite bakery of mine... I figured I owe you one already.
I want to thank my beta for not letting me post a mediocre chapter. I was really tempted to post as is a few weeks ago, but she sure saved the day! :)
A HUGE Thank You to all of you for reading Daunting Silence! I don't think I can thank you enough! And thank you for the reviews and PMs! I learned a little bit about you guys and that was really cool! SUPER AMAZEBALLS THANKS to babykennedy, godlove, ryoko05, sgarc12 (glad you enjoy Delta One ;), Charlie, Mahooya (that was sweet of you!), hollymarie4 (i love term papers lol), ujin, hotkillerz (double review.. sorry sorry!), M, kaitlynscionti, baley, iheartspashley, iamsoo, 2bz2breading, thehybrid02, harleyquinndavidson, kate529, sparkles04, alch88, lilce1992 (what's your fave jg book?), ooyuuoo, willowon3, thedwall, son-lyn, lalalalee (your review hit me like a ton of bricks... in a good way though!), dorcus, idixz, and thecreator14pg (totally played that song in my head when i read your review LOL... love it!)
Kooks78, to answer your question, I did write that poem :)
Hope you guys enjoy! Hopefully the next chapter won't be too far behind! 9.29.13
Disclaimer: I don't own South of Nowhere. I don't own the song in this chapter. It's actually by Soto and it's called "All I Can Say." Fell in love with this song since I heard it for the first time when a good friend of mine did a cover of it.
Black tendrils rested lazily on the white pillow next to me. Her shoulders rose and fell to steady breathing that could have fooled your typical human being. But I knew better – her thoughts were not mere dreams; she was awake. She had been for some time. I lay there, staring at the back of her head. It was a sight I had grown accustomed to since she'd returned. Since our little spat at the club.
She curled up into a tight ball, dragging some of the sheets with her. I lay there, debating the pros and cons of starting our morning with reaching out to her… both physically and emotionally. It's been a few days since we've had any warm touches or loving embraces, not to mention that we hardly saw each other because we were both in study mode for finals. Because of this, we hadn't talked about all the bluntly honest things that fell out of our mouths that night like raging vomit. At this point, I was no longer walking on eggshells; I was stumbling blindly through a minefield.
I decided to stop thinking and just at least express myself through touching her in any way, shape, or form. My hand slipped out from under the sheets and before it reached the destination of her right shoulder, the alarm from her phone began blaring obnoxiously.
Liz more than eagerly yanked the covers off of her and sat up, yawning indifferently as she shut her phone off. She sat there for a second in loud sighs and thoughts about her schedule today. Never did it cross her mind to even look back at me. Never did it cross her mind that maybe I was awake… that maybe I was in the same bed. I mean, she had to have known… given that it was my apartment and all.
Liz unplugged her phone from its charger and got up, lethargically ruffling her own hair with a heavy hand as she crossed the hallway into my bathroom. I finally got the door fixed, but that might've been a bad idea now that she was taking full advantage of the lock. No more joint showers. No more toothpaste fights.
My shell of a girlfriend had been staying with me since she got back, putting in partial effort to our relationship with her presence and trying to ignore the rather large and screaming neon elephant in the room. I knew that she desired to go back to square one, much like I had been, but neither of us had any idea how to get there without offending the other. While I'm trying to talk our issues out and get on the same page, she's hoping that I will have amnesia at any given moment and forget about all the bad parts. She conveniently hasn't had time to give thought to it since she's been too busy working on her next spoken word piece.
As I heard the shower running, I made my way to the kitchen, firmly deciding to keep breakfast simple. I started a strong pot of coffee while I debated between Golden Grahams and Special K.
A few moments later, Liz came rushing through with her backpack in hand. She stopped at the dining table to grab her binder and place it in her bag. I glanced up from reading the Pennysaver and watched her keenly.
"Coffee's ready." I sipped from my mug.
Her eyes finally, but very briefly met mine. "Oh, hey!" She zipped her jacket. "You're up early."
"I thought I'd tidy up the place a bit before I head to work." I slowly made my way from the kitchen to within a few feet of her. "Did you get enough rest?"
"Yup." She slapped on a tight-lipped smile before checking her bag for her notebook.
"You want some cereal for breakfast?"
"Uh," Liz slung her bag over her shoulder, "I'm in a hurry to get good parking. I have a final this morning, remember?"
I nodded, "Right." I tried not to act so nonchalant, considering I finished my finals yesterday.
"I'll just grab a bite afterwards." She stepped a little closer. "Hey, if you're free tonight, I'm performing at the Poetry Lounge. It would really mean a lot if you came."
"I wish I could… really," I prepared myself for a mental rebuking, "but I'm working tonight."
"Of course," Liz mumbled. "How convenient." "Silly me! I should've known that." She laughed it off as if it was a ridiculous idea before turning to leave.
"Sweetie," I quickly grabbed her arm as she slowly turned her gaze towards me, "I really want to be there. It's just that I—"
"You have to work." She gestured the obvious. "I know." "And yet, you can't call someone to cover for you."
I thought she'd think that. "We're short-staffed in the evenings. So, no one can really cover for me." I cringed, hoping she'd understand. She used to. "Otherwise, I really would."
"It's… It's fine." Liz shrugged.
"Listen," I might've taken a huge leap of faith with this one but… "Since spring break is coming up, I was wondering if you wanted to get away and just take a small trip somewhere, just the two of us." I genuinely smiled at her as I reached out to grasp her shoulder.
She smiled back… or at least she tried to. "Yeah, maybe." Her thoughts were wrapped up in the now – her final and upcoming spoken word performance. The thought of getting away seemed momentarily ideal for her, but she wouldn't let herself think too far ahead. She didn't want to commit in case something else came up. I wasn't sure what else she was anticipating.
"We could maybe go for a day or two." I tried my best to sell her on the idea. "Doesn't have to be for the whole week."
"I'll think about it," she gave me a firm nod. "I gotta go, Spence." Liz leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Wish me luck!"
"Good luck, sweetie." I gave her another small smile, still feeling disappointed and… unglued. Fragmented.
We both really wanted to make things work, but we had our own ways of doing so. Liz wanted me to reconnect with her through something she enjoyed, while I thought we could reconnect over a couple's daytrip retreat or something. You know, something that would benefit the both of us by opening the lines of communication.
I stood there, entranced as I watched the steam rise from my black coffee and kiss the porcelain walls of my blue mug before floating off into nothing. Somehow, I couldn't help but relate to the perfectly sturdy mug that couldn't keep the fickle steam contained within the confines of its waiting walls.
I watched that same steam fog the stainless steel of the coffee brewer. A few more groans from the coffeemaker and I could smell the rich aroma of our house coffee. I placed the full pot on the burner and noticed it was a little after 5 in the afternoon.
"Mark," I caught the attention of my shaggy-haired co-worker. He sprayed a dollop of whip cream on the frappuccino in front of him. "I'm gonna take my break now," I thumbed over my shoulder towards the back door.
"Sure," he glanced at the line that had significantly died down, "no problem."
I grabbed the somewhat watered down iced coffee I made myself and walked out, the door creaking shut behind me.
The sun was still out, which is what I loved about daylight savings time. Crimson and orange hues splayed across the canvas of the sky. The afternoon breeze was a refreshing one and it wasn't until I sat on the warm concrete and leaned against the brick wall that I realized how hot it had been that day. I had been slaving away inside the air-conditioned café to even notice.
Well, I couldn't necessarily say I was slaving away. The waves of students lessened throughout the week. Tuesday was a different story; the café was ridiculously crowded with everyone buckling down and cramming away for finals. But by now, they were almost hard to come by. Westwood even seemed quieter. And the warmth of the afternoon sun was a pretty obvious indicator where everyone went – beachside.
Spring break had officially begun, whether finals week was over or not.
I sipped the cool liquid of my iced coffee and leaned my head against the sun-beaten brick wall, closing my eyes and basking in the cooling afternoon.
Footsteps drew near. The sound echoed off the alley walls and resounded in my ears. I didn't bother opening my eyes to see who it was. The silence was pretty obvious.
But her intentions weren't.
"Spencer," she breathed.
I never liked my name nor did I grow to appreciate it, regardless of how often my parents tried to convince me how unique it was to have a unisex name. For one, it was too masculine for my liking. Not to mention, people associated my name with Spencer's Gifts or that douche lord, Spencer Pratt. But, when she said my name, it made me feel special… as if it was only my name she spoke with such care and consideration.
When I opened my eyes, I saw brown eyes staring right at me, contrasted perfectly against the colorful sky. If anything, it seemed like she kept the sun up that much longer.
"Ashley," I mumbled, pushing myself up onto my feet. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" I didn't mean for it to sound like a challenge, but I really didn't know what she wanted from me now.
Her mouth opened and closed as she carefully chose her words. I watched on as her dark curls whisked in the wind, mirroring my own light strands.
"How are you?" I finally blurted, breaking whatever tension was building.
"I'm good!" She shrugged, digging her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans. "Good," she reiterated unnecessarily, rocking slightly on her heels. "How've you been?"
I raised a brow, surprised at her candor. Why would she care? "I'm alright."
"I'm glad," she smiled. She continued to throw me off guard. I didn't know what else to say so…
"Nice day for some hodge podge, isn't it?" I smirked as I turned towards the door. "C'mon, I'll make you a venti."
Ashley immediately pressed her hand against the door. "That's… not why I came." I slowly turned to face her, watching her fidget with her fingers. "I just… wanted to thank you for Friday." She paused. "For standing up for me. You didn't have to."
"Of course I did," I scoffed. "No one should hit you, Ashley… ever."
She chuckled, "Well, I—"
"I don't care if you're impervious to it." I was quite serious, despite her nonchalant attitude about it. "It's not okay for anyone to hit a girl."
"Well," a soft smile spread across her lips, "thank you."
I nodded, "I care about you." I ducked my head, uncertain why I was ashamed to admit it.
Silence fell between us. It was an unspoken understanding of some sort as I finally made eye contact with her. There was something in Ashley's eyes that I couldn't quite read. Then again, has there ever been a moment where I could read anything about this girl?
"I'm sorry about that night." She glared intently at me without blinking.
I waved it off. "Yvette was drunk. She—"
"No," she interrupted. "I meant, I'm sorry about what I said… to you."
"You were being honest," I shrugged. "That's nothing to be sorry about. Besides," I sighed, "I let that kiss get to my head and I shouldn't have."
"Well then," she stepped into my space, her tone dropping to an almost whisper, "I truly am sorry because I do need to be honest with you." Ashley paused, as she held my gaze. "Can I, Spencer?"
"Can you…?"
She pulled her wind-blown strands behind her ear before the corner of her lips curled into a smirk that practically made my knees give way. "Can I be honest with you for a second?"
I wasn't sure what she was asking.
And suddenly, all my thoughts went into scramble mode. There was no rationality present in my entire being. Only feelings of Adrenaline. Nervousness. Uncertainty. And then relief.
The feel of her lips against mine.
We were frozen in that moment, the wind gently crashing against our profiles. But then, her lips were relentless, caressing their soft warmth over and over again on mine. I cupped her cheeks gently, failing to find the strength to keep my hands there as they slowly grazed down her neck… her pulse contending with the beating of my own heart.
Her kisses fell intently on the most sensitive parts of my own neck, but not before leaving a burning trail along my jawline. My arms wrapped around her neck as I felt my breathing become erratic, unable to suppress soft moans of my desire into the windy afternoon. I could feel my neck pulsating against her soft, wet lips… much to the pulsating about two feet south of there.
"Spencer," she whispered, taking my earlobe between her teeth. I gulped hard, urging her to keep going.
Spencer.
Spencer.
SPENCER.
Huh?
"Spencer!" I heard Aiden's voice.
"What?" I groaned as I felt him nudge me.
"Why are you out here dozing off in the alley?" He reached down and grabbed my watered down coffee which left a water ring on the warm concrete. "There are chairs in the lounge, you know?" Thank you, Captain Obvious.
"Aiden," I squinted up at him. "What are you doing here?"
At some point, the afternoon breeze had stopped and I could've sworn it felt a few degrees warmer.
…Or was that just me?
"You have a little drool on your chin there." Aiden chuckled as I quickly swiped at it, rolling my eyes simultaneously. "Must've been one hell of a dream."
He's got me there!
I sighed, "So, what gives?"
"I left my stats book here the other day." He held it up indifferently. "I just came by to pick it up. My final's tomorrow."
"What's wrong?" I quipped, "No hot chick to copy answers from?"
"Ha ha. Very funny, wise ass." He nodded along, handing me my drink as I chuckled. "I actually have to take my final online."
"Oh," I furrowed my eyebrows. "That's going to be tough." I took a quick sip of my cool coffee and placed it down.
"Mmhmm." Aiden leaned against the brick wall and took a seat next to me, his forearms resting on his knees, "So, I took your advice, oh wise one, and tried to call Madison. But, I take it she still wants nothing to do with me."
I looked at him skeptically, "Is that how bad you want her back?"
"What?"
"A phone call? C'mon Aid." I nudged him, "I told you to talk to her, not leave her with one missed call."
"Hello?!" His eyes bulged out as if I should've known I'd been talking to a dumb rock this whole entire time. "What do you expect? Whenever we got into fights, I'd call her up and we'd usually squash that shit and have some awesome make-up sex!"
"Yeah, well," I smirked, "did you think that shit wasn't gonna get old?"
He shrugged.
I shook my head, "Madison's not just… some girl, Aid. At least, I don't think that's how you saw her."
"Of course not! She knows I loved her!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Well, yeah… I think?"
I decided to drop some serious knowledge on him like Plato, "The woman of your dreams is supposed to make you feel… complete and without want, and she deserves to be treated like she's the one and only woman you've ever wanted."
Suddenly, I realized how I had yet to find the woman of my dreams. I felt close to being complete when Liz and I were just starting out. But, somewhere down the line, this gap wedged its way between us and made all my efforts to please her feel so insecure and uncertain. Then again, maybe I was chasing the unicorn. Maybe love is supposed to be the idea of complacency. Of reality and accepting her for all that she is, faults included, even if she doesn't make me feel great all the time. Maybe that idea of flawless love could never exist in such an imperfect world.
"—all those things and I don't know, Spence." Aiden huffed as my attention immediately turned to him. Oops! Should've been listening there.
"What I meant to say is," I repositioned myself to face him, "we women like to feel… wanted… and enough. We want to feel like who we are and what we do for you is enough."
"I never said she wasn't enough for me!"
"When's the last time you told her you loved her?" I asked evenly.
Aiden immediately furrowed his eyebrows, falling into deep contemplation.
"Uh… well… there was that one time, at least I think it was that one time, where we went to Catalina and I was planning on telling her I loved her over dinner…"
I looked at him stoically. Their trip to Catalina was over a year ago!
"Then we got into a huge fight because she thought I was staring at the waitress' tits."
I sighed blatantly.
"No, wait… I know that I said it to her several months ago when we went to the Dodger game… I think?" "Uh… I swear, Spence! I know I've said it a few times during our relationship!"
"Aiden," I snapped my fingers to grab his attention, "not saying it is pretty much the same as not doing anything to show it. When's the last time you did something nice for her, something thoughtful where she didn't have to ask you to do it?"
"Uh," he scratched his forehead before pointing to me, "oh! I bought her a juicer because she casually mentioned to me how she was reading from a fitness magazine about the benefits of juicing!" Aiden's face beamed.
"Ugh, no!" I slapped his arm. "You don't get the woman of your dreams a juicer!"
He sighed, dropping his chin on his balled fist as he began to pick at some gravel. "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi… you're my only hope."
"Bottom line… you need to get in touch with your feminine side."
"I am not wearing girl's underwear again!"
"Ugh, you're hopeless!"
He chuckled, "I'm joking, I'm joking." He sat up, "Okay! So, how do I go about getting the one and only love of my life back?"
I glanced at him reluctantly, "You have to woo her. Buy her flowers and things she likes. Send her messages with cute nicknames and inside jokes that only you two share." For some reason, Nutella popped into my head. "Soften her up a bit so she'll at least be open to talk to you. Romantic gesture after romantic gesture. And then once she's warmed up to you again, you go in for the kill."
"Which is?"
"Doing something outrageously stupid, but awesome nonetheless, to show her how much you love her."
"Count me out!"
"Aid, if you're not willing to look stupid, you don't deserve to have the woman of your dreams."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that. Love doesn't fit in a box." I shrugged, "You can't rationalize love, which is why looking stupid coincides with being in love." I laughed.
Aiden smirked, "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Of course I am," I smirked back. "But seriously, Aid, you're enough for her. You always were. You just have to remind her sometimes that she's enough for you, too."
He nodded, "Relationships are hard work, man."
"Tell me about it."
"Speaking of, how's yours doing? I hung out with Donny the other day and he tells me you've been seeing someone really awesome." I was a bit caught off guard that my life was a topic of conversation between my ex-BFF and my roommate's ex-boyfriend, but thankfully, not even Aiden knew the real reason Donny and I weren't friends anymore.
"She is awesome," I nodded a few times.
"But…?"
"She's just… going through some stuff right now. She lost her grandmother recently and… it's been hard." For the both of us.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"She hasn't really been herself lately."
"Understandable."
"She's kinda been that way since a little before her grandmother died… and since then, there's this wedge between us where I'm finding it hard to reconnect with her." I don't know what forced me to open up to Aiden, but I decided to do so because it would be the first time I'd be talking my issues out with someone who was there to listen for once. "Whatever her issues might be, they're way bigger than anything I can help her with and whatever I do to try to help, it's not enough." I paused. "I guess I just don't feel like enough for her right now."
"Have you talked to her about it?"
I bit the inside of my cheek. "Not really. We had an argument last week that kinda blew up out of nowhere. It wasn't the best time or place to vent out all our frustrations with each other, but what's been said has been said." I shook my head, "There's no taking that back."
"I know what you mean." Aiden leaned back against the wall. "Well, it sounds like you really want this to work out, but unless you're both in it and making equal effort, then what's the point, you know?"
"Yeah," I sipped my coffee water and watched the water ring on the dark cement slowly fade, "I guess she and I have our own definition of what it means to make an effort."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I think it would be great to just get away from all the distractions and go on a nice trip together just to reconnect with one another, but she makes it seem like a huge inconvenience to her schedule." I shrugged. "Instead, she wants me to go to her poetry events at the lounge… which is fine, but I don't see how that will allow us to reconnect."
"Spencer!" Now, he looked at me incredulously.
"What?"
"Have you learned nothing from what you've been telling me?!" Aiden nudged me. "Someone has to give in and it doesn't seem like it'll be her anytime soon. Sometimes you have to give in to get what you want."
"Is that how guys think?"
"Duh! How do you think we always get what we want… well… most of the time?" He shrugged as if I should've known all along. "We give you girls whatever it is you demand of us, as long as it doesn't compromise our self-respect, and in the end, we have you eating out of the palm of our hand."
"So, you're saying if I do things her way, it'll improve our relationship?"
"Well, yeah! Maybe poetry is her best way of reconnecting with you. Give her whatever it is that she needs. Why are you even questioning that?"
"Because it does compromise my self-respect. A relationship is supposed to be mutual, friend."
"You have to at least see it her way before you conclude that your way is the only way."
I scoffed, "I didn't say my way is the only way."
"'Course you did." He chuckled, "You might not have said it, but your tone says it all."
"What tone? I wasn't—"
"Just… do what I say." He stomped his foot, "I take your advice, now you take mine."
"Ugh."
"So, when's her next poetry thingy?"
"Umm," I looked at my watch, "it starts in a few minutes."
"Well, what are you still doing here? Get going!"
I tugged my apron at him, "Hello?! I have to work."
"Not tonight," he pushed himself up onto his feet. "I'm taking the rest of your shift."
"No, Aiden! That's a generous offer, but I can't let you do that." I jumped up. "And what about your final?"
"Spence, don't question my superior judgment. I've got it under control." He yanked the door open, stats book in hand, and looked back at me. "Just go and look stupid already." Aiden smiled and winked before he left my sights.
The man had a point. And I suppose it was about time I cashed in on his IOU anyway.
Aiden's an idiot, but ultimately, he's a good guy. It was comforting to find this unlikely alliance with him, knowing that I wasn't going through this alone and that we were on the same side fighting the good fight. Everything seemed promising and I felt rejuvenated with the sense of hope…
Until I hit bumper-to-bumper traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard to get to the Poetry Lounge.
What should've only been a 30-minute drive turned into a 50-minute drive. I wasn't sure where Liz was in the line-up of performances, but I was hoping and praying that I would get there in time to catch it.
The universe continued to work against me when I couldn't find parking in the small lot at the lounge. I found metered parking about several blocks down and began running furiously, my flats threatening to ricochet off my feet.
As I walked through the entrance and into the main corridor, I could hear a few resounding notes of an acoustic guitar and its owner speaking dramatic words about how he is his guitar. I glanced around the dimly lit lounge and immediately noticed how overly crowded it was tonight. What was the special occasion?
The performer on stage snapped a guitar string.
"It slowly crumbles and falls as a single string is split." He paused. "My guitar plays no more, and my identity dies with it." The man slowly bowed his head as the stage lights dimmed. Then, everyone began to snap their fingers or clap very briefly.
Several minutes passed and I couldn't find Liz. Not to mention that it was quite the acrobatic feat to sliver my way in between throngs of standing bodies. I decided to go up to the balcony to get a better look. As I leaned over, I noticed Anthony step onto the brightly lit stage. It looked like he was emceeing again.
"Thank you again, Ralph, for that profound piece." He paused as Ralph made his way off the stage at the applause of the audience. "Now, please help me welcome a new performer…"
My eyes scanned the animated faces below. I finally felt relieved when I spotted Liz sitting at a table in a corner to the right of the stage with a ton of people I didn't recognize. I almost didn't even recognize her. She was beaming with excitement and practically glowing with delight. It had been too long since I last saw her so genuinely happy and lively.
"She has a nice treat for us today. Please welcome to the stage… Ashley Davies!"
What?!
The audience began to snap and clap wildly.
"Yeah, Ash!" Liz yelled from the side as the awkward brunette made her way up. Anthony replaced the microphone on the stand as he handed her one of the many acoustic guitars on stage.
"How's everyone doing tonight?" The crowd briefly cheered as she sat on the lone stool on stage. I could hear her tune the guitar a bit as she chuckled to herself, "Thanks for the warm welcome! It wasn't really my idea to come up here, but at the request of my very good friend over there," she pointed to Jton who raised her drink and hollered, "I figured… why the hell not?"
It was difficult to even hear her with the crowd chattering about, waiting patiently for Ashley to properly tune the instrument. I could faintly hear Madison flagging the bartender for another round. I noticed even more throngs of people flood the floor from the main corridor, eager to meet and greet some of the famous performers in attendance tonight. It was hard to even turn around without bumping into someone or stepping on someone's toes, but people here were very laidback and cordial to one another. It was definitely a different atmosphere compared to a stuffy club, packed with sweaty bodies.
Jton shouted more words of encouragement to the brunette on stage which caught my attention… and when I looked to her, I noticed that familiar yet disdainful head of shiny, black hair standing next to her.
I wanted to yack just a little.
Ashley strummed a few chords and nodded in satisfaction at the sound. "Okay, bear with me." She adjusted the mic to her lips. "I recently came up with this song and I haven't really performed this in front of anyone before. So, here goes."
She began to strum a four-chord R&B rift, humming along on some parts.
I thought about you again today.
You were wearing that same ol' face –
You know the one – with the smile.
It never ever seems to go away.
Oh. My. God.
My jaw felt heavy and I was utterly amazed. That silky voice infiltrated the speakers, lulling the crowd into utter silence. She seemed like a natural performer, not the least bit nervous.
I asked how you were doing.
You said, 'I'm fine. Just fine.'
Well, baby you are.
Her eyes slowly opened at those words, her voice humming to the guitar's complimenting melody.
I said that's exactly what you are.
She smiled genuinely and I swear my heart stopped for a split second.
Beautiful with eyes like diamonds.
Always pleasant like a well kept promise.
Damn shame that your girl doesn't know just what she has.
Takes you for granted.
Ashley shook her head, matching the somber lyrics.
Beautiful enough to drive a girl crazy.
Always smiling even if you had a bad day.
It's no wonder why I feel what I feel for you babe.
I watched her eyelids fall purposefully. My mouth watered as I instantly craved to hear more.
And all that I can say is that I need you here today
And if she ever goes away, at least you know I care for you.
And baby all that I can dream is that you feel the same for me.
And maybe then you'll see that I'm the one you wish that she could be.
She opened her eyelids again to stare straight ahead as her fingers slid across the frets, a somewhat bashful smirk firmly placed on her face.
You can't deny that her love is not the same.
She ain't sweet no more.
Girl, what for?
I know you're strong and you can take it.
But, I'm here if ever you get weak.
She looked down briefly at her plucking fingers, the light hitting her soft features at all the right angles. She was undeniably beautiful.
Just come to me.
I'd appreciate all the love we'd make,
Oh, for heaven's sake.
She grinned, biting her lips slightly and I immediately gulped, utterly captivated by this side of Ashley.
'Cause baby to me you are…
Beautiful with eyes like diamonds.
Always pleasant like a well kept promise.
Damn shame that your girl doesn't know just what she has.
Takes you for granted.
Beautiful enough to drive a girl crazy.
Always smiling even if you had a bad day.
It's no wonder why I feel what I feel for you babe.
It was too quick to even notice, but she winked subtly, and from then, I felt so light-headed and besides myself.
And all that I can say is that I need you here today
And if she ever goes away, at least you know I care for you.
And baby all that I can dream is that you feel the same for me.
And maybe then you'll see that I'm the one you wish that she could be.
On the last note, the audience instantly broke out of its trance and stood up, applauding loudly.
"Thank you everyone. I hope you enjoyed it." She smiled and bowed before returning the guitar to its stand.
I looked down and noticed my hands were trembling. They were clapping, but trembling. I couldn't figure out why. The only thing I knew was the song had penetrated me to the core and I hated the fact that she could make me feel something—the same thing I felt the night of the William Fitzsimmons concert—even while I'd been trying so hard to forget. Part of me hated her for that, but how could I hate this Ashley who just lulled me into complete submission with the sound of her voice?
I vigorously shook my head to shake out these silly thoughts. Perhaps it's just hot flashes that are causing these crazy somatic responses!
When I looked to Liz, I noticed her say something to the guy next to her before she stood up and weaved her way towards the bar. People were stopping her and greeting her on her way to the bar as I turned to meet her downstairs. She was definitely making an impression on the crowd and that was always something I admired about her. She's strong, independent, and someone to admire.
When Liz got to the bar, she flagged the bartender down and yelled her order. From a distance, I watched as she took her wallet out and I noticed an ill-intentioned blonde next to her begin to chat her up. I could clearly read her mind from afar, despite the crowded lounge. She had been eyeing my girlfriend all night… and was shamelessly putting her greasy hands all over Liz's arm. If it wasn't for my faithful girlfriend turning her down, I would've yanked some of that blonde off her pretty little head.
I plopped onto the bar next to Liz, nudging her lightly. "Hi there!"
"Oh, hey Spence!" Liz reached over and kissed me on the cheek. "Didn't expect to see you here!" She smiled quaintly as the blonde rolled her eyes at me and turned to leave.
"Aiden saved the day. He came in to cover my shift so that I wouldn't miss your big night." I smiled proudly.
"Aww, that's really cool of him!"
"It's pretty crowded tonight, huh?"
"Yeah!" She said matter-of-factly, "It's a pretty important event tonight!"
"So, when do you go on?"
"Uh… actually," Liz's eyes panned down to the drinks the bartender placed in front of her – a Jack and Coke and vodka Sprite. "I already performed... about twenty minutes ago." She shrugged, pulling some cash out of her wallet and placing it on the bar. Although she tried to play it off like it was no big deal, I could tell she was pretty disappointed that I wasn't there on time.
"Ugh," I rolled my eyes, "don't tell me it was before the guy with the broken guitar string."
She smirked before she sipped her drink. "Yeah, it was actually."
I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head, mentally kicking myself in the ass for missing her performance by a few mere minutes.
"It's fine, Spence." She grabbed both drinks. "Listen, I have to get back to my table. Come sit with us."
For a second, I thought of how nice it would be to spend time with this version of Liz who was utterly happy in her own element, but then what's the point? It was almost like I'd be sitting there in silence because I don't know a thing about spoken word and wouldn't be able to keep up with the conversation amongst her groupies. Ultimately, we'd go home to the same rut we've been in. That smile would fade and we would never have that conversation we've been needing to have for the sake of our relationship. It was a level of complacency that I could no longer stay on.
"I wouldn't wanna spoil your night." I shook my head at her. "You go ahead."
"What does that mean?" She raised a brow at me, "So, you're not even gonna stick around? Madison's here with Jton and Ashley."
"I have to go," I turned to leave through the exit closest to the bar which led out into the alley.
I could see a line of people ahead waiting to get into the lounge as I heard her footsteps quickly follow me down the damp pavement.
"Spencer, wait!" She stopped me by the dumpster. "What's going on? Why don't you want to stay?" "You missed my performance. The least you could do is stay with me."
I crossed my arms, "I'm just… not feeling well. That's all." It was a blatant lie, but that's all I could say. I didn't want to talk about us. Not in the alley. Not on a night where she seemed completely ecstatic… even if it was without me.
"Hey, I know we haven't been on the same page for awhile—"
"Yeah, we haven't! So, what do you wanna do about that?"
She shrugged, totally flabbergasted and not expecting my very direct outburst. "I-I don't know, Spence. I—"
"We need to talk about us." I said evenly.
"Okay, fine!" Liz leaned against the wall, "You wanna talk about us? Let's talk about us. You have my undivided attention." She crossed her arms, waiting intently for me to speak. "So?"
"Look, this isn't the time or place to talk about things." My tone became less combative as I placed my hands on her shoulders. "Let's—let's go somewhere for spring break, alright? Just leave all this behind for a little while so we can get back to us."
"Leave what behind, exactly?" She was suddenly on the defense. "Spoken word?" She scoffed, "This is my outlet, Spence. I'm not just going to leave it behind!" She stepped back, letting my hands slide off of her.
"I get it. Fine. But give me one day next week. Any day!" I was desperate to make time for her just to jump over this hurdle with me.
"You don't get it." She finally looked up at me. "I'm leaving for spring break. I'm going on a spoken word tour to every main college campus from San Diego to San Francisco."
I furrowed my eyebrows, "Well, when were you going to tell me that?!"
"I just found out, Spence. The guy I was sitting with… that's Beau Sia! He's putting the whole thing together and has been recruiting the best spoken word poets to join the tour. This was his last stop to pick up one more artist." She smiled that bright smile I haven't seen since we started dating. "He picked me! This was basically my make-or-break performance!"
"That's just," I turned my back to her, "that's great."
"Thanks. I could tell by your tone that you're jumping for joy inside." Liz responded sarcastically.
I turned sharply. "What do you want me to say?!"
"Just be happy for me, Spence! Can you do that? Can you support me for one second?!"
"I've been supporting you," I gestured as if it were obvious, "even though you accuse me of never being there for you. I know… I know I was late tonight and I'm sorry about that, but the fact of the matter is that I am here… for you." I exhaled, "For us."
"I've… I've just been going through some stuff," she shrugged, "and tonight was the first time in a long while that I've felt like myself again." Her eyes turned towards the pavement. "I guess I'm just afraid this feeling isn't going to stay. I want to be myself again. So badly."
"And I'll be right here, supporting you all the way through until you get back on your feet." I took a step towards her. "The question is… do you even want me here?"
"What?"
"I support you completely… but do you support us?"
"That's really unfair of you to ask me that." She squinted.
I scoffed, "It's a simple question, Liz. Do you even want this relationship to work?"
"Of course I do!" She lashed out. "But you can't force things to work out the way you want them to, alright? You have to give me some time to figure shit out for a second!" Liz paused and took a deep breath, noticing my hurt expression. "I think this spring break would be good for both of us. After I get back, we can start fresh, you know? I just need to regroup." Liz sighed, "I hope you can understand that."
I had no response for her. I felt utterly defeated, but like Aiden said, I'll give her whatever it is she needed from me, even if it meant widening this gap that was between us. My gut was just telling me that giving her what she needed would just make things worse, but what other option is there?
Liz stood there, staring at me as I stared at the wall behind her, the cold-faced bricks mocking me. "I have to get back inside. You're more than welcome to spend the rest of the evening with me and celebrate."
I still had a little bit of dignity left to preserve. "I think I'll pass," I shook my head. "I'll see you later." I tried to add a placating smile and act happy for her, but I was too self-absorbed to sound sincere. "Enjoy your celebration."
I waited until she was out of sight before I let the heavy tears spill from underneath my eyelids. You know how when you see things are starting to end, you start replaying this black-and-white memory montage in your head of all the good moments… from the first meeting, to the first date, to the first kiss… and all the toothpaste moments in between? Yeah, that totally happened for me. Not to mention the bonus clips… clips that rewound back and overanalyzed every rocky moment in our relationship to see where we went wrong as I pondered to myself what I could've done differently.
I made my way around the dumpster to leave, when I was immediately startled by a shadow on the other side.
"Hey."
"Geez!" I grabbed my chest, looking at those clear eyes that stared intently back at me. "Ashley, you scared me!"
"Sorry about that." She lifted her hand, showing me a pack, "I just came out here for a smoke." The moonlight reflected brightly against her fair skin as she stepped out of the shadows. She briefly smiled at me in her shy demeanor, though it was somewhat relieving.
"It's okay," I sniffled before swiping at my tears. "How long have you been standing out here?"
"Long enough to hear just about everything." Her smile faltered as her expression grew concerned. "You wanna talk about it?"
I scoffed, but it came out like a sob, "No, it's okay. My problems shouldn't be anyone else's burden."
"They might seem like a burden to anyone else, but you know I'm not like anyone else." Ashley took a step closer, "I still care, Spence."
"Thanks," I uttered almost inaudibly, "I might take you up on your offer one day, but for now…" I shook my head.
She nodded, "I understand." She paused. "Can I at least give you a hug?"
"As long as you don't grow a heart from it." I smirked, despite my tear-stained cheeks, "I know I'm not at my best, but I wouldn't wanna take you down with me, you know?" I sighed, "Sometimes it sucks to feel human."
"Sometimes it sucks to be immortal, but the feelings are still the same, more or less," Ashley shrugged as she wrapped her arms around my torso. I gently ringed my arms around her shoulders, carefully avoiding skin contact. Her soft curls were the only barrier between our cheeks. We stood like that, grasping a little tighter in what felt like basking in each other's warmth. Her caring words resounded with me like a thunderous echo that shook me to the core just like her sultry singing did. I immediately felt the sadness dispel from my being and something I couldn't even explain just begin to ignite within me. As I stared at the familiar brick wall behind her, my mind took me back to the little dream I had earlier in the day which only made my heart race even more.
I started to become increasingly aware that in my vulnerable state, being this close to Ashley Davies was probably not the best idea. Part of me really didn't care, but I had to face reality. I slowly let go of her before my entire being was putty-induced, though it felt like she was reluctant to let me go.
"I'll let you get back to smoking your cigarette."
She lifted the pack carelessly and inspected it. "Eh," she shrugged, "I should quit anyway."
"Really? Why?" I gave her a quizzical look.
"Yeah. Apparently, these things could kill you." Ashley chuckled as she tossed the pack in the dumpster. I shook my head and giggled as we stood there for a bit, just smiling at one another.
"I think you have a better chance of dying at the hands of one insane Yvette."
"No kidding, right?" Ashley laughed as I shook my head at her knowingly. "Hey, thanks for defending my honor that night. That was really cool of you despite what was going on that night."
I tilted my head sardonically, "You mean with Liz and I having a very public argument about our rocky relationship?"
"Well… that too." She bit her lip slightly, "But I meant with the conversation you and I had that night."
"Oh." Realization hit me as I shook my head and brushed it off, "I put all that behind us, you know?" I questioned how convincing I sounded despite knowing how obvious I was lying. "We're friends!" I paused. "Besides, fighting with my girlfriend just got me all riled up. I had to take my anger out on someone."
Ashley nodded, "Well, thanks." She glanced down at the ground, crossing her arms. The air quickly filled with silence followed by a faint sound of applause coming from inside the lounge.
"I still care, Ash." I said sincerely, though it should've been obvious. Her cheeks puffed up as a smile spread across her face, carefully hidden behind the curtain of her curly hair. "By the way, great performance tonight."
Her expression immediately turned bashful, as she finally looked up at me, "Oh! You saw?" She smiled awkwardly and I couldn't understand why. She certainly didn't seem nervous performing it in front of a large crowd.
"I did," I smiled. "I didn't know you played the guitar."
She grinned, "You didn't see the vintage set that I have in Portland?"
"I thought that maybe you just like to collect."
Ashley nodded, "I play other instruments, but our dear friend Mr. Fitzsimmons inspired me to play guitar the most."
"And you write songs too? That's awesome. You're really talented! I'm surprised they didn't pick you to go on that spoken word tour thingy."
"Thanks," she smirked, "the whole performance bit isn't really my thing. I was merely voluntold to perform, but I'm glad you liked it."
"So, what inspired you to write it?"
Ashley ducked her head, "Uh—"
"Hey, loser!" Jton bellowed down the alleyway. "Spencer, is that you?"
"What? Spencer's here?!" Madison's voice followed as I noticed three silhouettes walking towards us. "What are you doing here, roomie?" She ran up to us and gave me a death grip of a hug.
"Hey Mad." I squeaked, feeling zero air pass through my lungs.
"It's so cool you could make it to Liz's big night!" She squealed as Ashley gave me a sympathetic look. "Isn't it awesome that she's going on this tour?"
"Yeah," I feigned happiness the best I could, "I'm happy for her."
Jton made her way to Ashley as Leilani trailed behind with this stupid grin on her face… only the grin was aimed at Jton, which I thought was a bit weird. "Gimme a cig, dude." She held her hand out.
"Sorry, I trashed 'em." Ashley nodded towards the dumpster, her hands in her pockets.
Jton's eyes bulged out, "The whole pack? That was a new pack!"
Ashley placed a comforting hand on Jton's shoulder. "They're bad for you anyway," she shrugged as Leilani slipped her way in between and wrapped her arms around Ashley's waist. Flower girl spoke lovingly to the brunette, explaining in explicit detail exactly how much she missed her. It was disgusting to say the least. Jton looked Leilani up and down and rolled her eyes. I couldn't have said it better myself, but I did pick up on a twinge of jealousy from Jton's thoughts.
"Last time I give you my cigs." Jton mumbled under her breath. "You owe me a pack, jerkface."
Madison was saying words that I couldn't make out, all because I was completely distracted at the scene before me. Ashley smiled back at the flower girl as she gently played with her loose tendrils and softly rubbed her cheek with a graze of the thumb. The both of them seemed to tune everything out, sucked into their own little world. I don't know why, but I loathed the moment. It felt like I was losing something and I didn't know what.
"So, what do you think?" Madison asked cheerfully.
I gawked at her, "About?"
"About dinner!" She raised a brow at me, "Tomorrow night? To celebrate before Liz leaves Saturday morning?"
"She leaves Saturday morning?!" That's so soon!
"Yeah!" Madison gave me a disbelieving look, "She didn't tell you?"
"Of course she told me!" I laughed boisterously… and dramatically, might I add. Probably wasn't convincing anyone but myself. "I just didn't know if she told you yet."
Yeah… that didn't make any sense.
"Well, duh." Madison glanced at Jton before looking back at me, "What do you think we're all doing here? She invited all of us to cheer her on!"
"Yeah, her performance was pretty epic," Jton chimed in. "I thought that part dedicated to her grandmother was sweet."
I nodded along as if I knew exactly what they were talking about, but I was annoyed that Liz didn't tell me just how important this performance was and how it would kick our already stagnant relationship in the proverbial balls.
"So, yes for dinner?" My roommate reiterated.
"Yeah… sure." I nodded.
"Okay, well since it's going to be a surprise, we need you to play it off like you're going to dinner—just the two of you—and we'll already be waiting at the restaurant. How does that sound?"
Getting my emotionally-removed girlfriend to simply talk to me about our relationship would be like asking Snooki to stop tanning. Convincing my girlfriend who ultimately wants space from me to go to dinner, just the two of us… Oh yeah, that's a total walk in the park!
"Sounds peachy."