Hello dearest readers! Actually... I wonder if anyone still reads this story :\ I'm so, so, so very sorry for the 4-year delay! O_O

I have been toying with this chapter for far too long, picking it up whenever I find the spare time which isn't too often. Recently, I decided to look into it, make some edits, and see what I can present as a decent chapter. It's still not up to par to where I want it to be, but I don't think I can do much else different.

For anyone new to the story, you can probably read this chapter and know what the story's about since this chapter is pretty much a re-telling of the whole story from Ashley's POV. That's why it's taken me so long because I would have to recall every little detail that happened in all the previous chapters to speak to it from her POV. So... it took forever! And I give you all credit for reading this story, word for word and chapter by chapter! It's a lot, I must say!

Based on reviews, I hear the hints of the ending of this story but, to be honest, there are a lot of loose ends that I need to tie up. I want to say we're more like 75 percent there. We'll see new and great things develop with pivotal characters like Paula, Tullia, and the return of Donny. It's kinda like trying to still fit the old world in with the newfound love/ friendships that Spencer has created.

I really, REALLY appreciate all the PMs and reviews (yes, even the ones that say I suck for not updating :X) because it has inspired me to come back to this chapter. I've got nothing written yet for the next, so... I'm sorry for those excruciating wait times! But, I'll definitely be throwing some things down soon as time permits.

Thanks again for giving this story/chapter a read and/or review! YOU ARE ALL SO AWESOME!

As always, stay classy and enjoy! :) 8/28/18

I can't even begin to describe the comfort, desire, and warmth I feel when I'm in Ashley's arms… and the pure passion that takes possession of me when we're kissing. It is a whole level of want that I'd never experienced before. She was my personal drug—my addiction—and I could seriously never get enough. I wanted to breathe her in, swim in her, be impossibly close to her. I wanted to drown in her.

The entire ride back, Ashley had her arms wrapped tightly around me, her hands clasping mine. Her warm, moist lips had been teasing and tantalizing me as she'd been leaving trails of nibbling kisses around my neck and across my shoulders. I felt completely under the influence of Ashley Davies, just utterly taken by her and wanting nothing more than to just overtake her lips with my own. Given that we were on a galloping horse with no means for me to turnaround and face her, I was subjected to this delicious torture until we got back.

"Let's get inside," Ashley mumbled against my lips.

I'd honestly lost track of time, not knowing how long we'd been back in the stable still saddled up on Maserati and heavily making out. My head was leaning back against her shoulder, my face melding into hers with my hand in her hair, firmly keeping her lips where they were – on mine.

Ashley squeezed my hips, signaling me to dismount. I was glad one of us had the strength to pull away enough to get us to progress inside. I realized that around Ashley, I could never have such reserve anymore. The second both my feet had touched the ground, we were locked into this fierce, unspoken conversation with passion blazing behind our stares. I could feel Ashley's blood pulsating through her fingertips, her hand firmly gripping mine, as she gazed at me with such dark, hooded eyes. She briefly licked her swollen lips which only made me want to taste them all the more, but she must've read my mind since she stepped into me and wrapped my lips with her own. I exhaled gratefully at the feel of her lips attacking my own.

I could feel her hands snake up my arms, over my shoulders and neck, and into my hair. My own hands started to maneuver on their own, at first innocently anchoring through the belt loops of her jeans before my thumbs hooked into the waistband of her pants and gently grazed the soft skin beneath. I could feel my knees buckle just a little the second the palms of my hands were under the hem of her shirt and over those perfectly shaped abs that were forever etched in my memory. I was too preoccupied to notice that we tripped and fell over a bale of hay at some point. I didn't care. The discomfort of the cold and dusty stable floor paled in comparison to the utter ecstasy I felt burning within me.

She let out a low groan as my fingers danced across her skin. "Not here."

"Inside?" I softly whispered against her eager lips.

"Yes," she whispered with desperation as her body pressed further into me.

I could tell her reserve was quickly waning because it took her the extra effort to push herself off of me and pull me up to my feet. Ashley grabbed my hand and we practically sprinted out of the stable towards the house, our feet pounding against gravel and splashing through puddles.

The second I stepped into the house behind her, Ashley pushed me up against the door and continued to assault my lips. She was pressed into me so hard that I could barely breathe, but at the same time, I felt like she was breathing life into me with every kiss. We were panting and gasping for air, while at the same time, waging this battle to take control and show the other just how much we've been yearning for this moment to happen. I pushed myself forward, putting an inch of distance between us as Ashley was caught off guard. I grabbed the hem of her sweater and pulled it over her head. I didn't get so far as to take it off of her completely since my hands were already revisiting those carefully sculpted abs and I couldn't help but just retrace the path of my fingers with hungry, wet kisses. Her muscles flexed a bit as she yanked the sweater off her head and shook her moist locks free.

I was forced to stop the second Ashley grabbed my hand once more and pulled me towards the foyer. As we trekked up the staircase, I stopped her in mid-step, pulling her back ever-so-slightly. She looked back at me in confusion before I pushed myself against her over the banister. The time it took for us to get from the back door to the staircase was enough to make me feel significantly deprived of her kisses; I knew right then and there that I would find no such satisfaction anywhere else. I hungrily captured her lips, gently biting her lower lip as my arms wrapped around her torso. I could feel the heat radiating off her body and through the thin shirt she was wearing.

Both of Ashley's hands were tightly clutched around the locks of hair behind my head. I could feel her abs contract against me as she fought her way across the step we were on to push me up against the opposing banister. Her fingers slowly reached up and tugged ever-so-slowly at the zipper of the hoodie I was wearing. She was clearly overpowering the situation, her tongue easily persuading my mouth to let her in and purposefully render me helpless to her appeal. Ashley's hands slivered over my stomach, chest, and finally over my shoulders as she pushed the hoodie off of me. I felt the material pool around my legs as she peeled me off the banister and led me up the west wing towards her room.

Before we could get to our destination, I shoved her against the doorframe and intently forced myself into her space. I had to have her. I had to show her everything I couldn't place words to. But at the pace we were going, it was obvious that we were going to do the inevitable and cross that line that we'd been dangerously toeing together for so long. I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around this, but I wanted to savor and bask in every moment despite my instincts for instant gratification.

"Nervous?" Ashley gripped my forearms resting on her shoulders, noticing my slight hesitation as I paused to admire her.

"No," I shook my head, remembering her words from last night. They were barely audible, but I had slightly woken from my sleep at the right moment to catch them. Perhaps I was meant to because it was exactly what I had been feeling. "It feels like… home." I said sincerely as I lovingly stroked the nape of her neck with my fingers.

Her eyes lit up as she gasped silently. We smiled at each other as her expression changed from smoldering to loving. Ashley brushed my hair to the side as I leaned in and slowly, but firmly pressed my lips against hers, trying to memorize the sensation of her warm, soft kisses that I know I could never tire of. I couldn't help but think that just as there's a proper way to admire a Rembrandt at the Getty, there's also the proper way to revere the divine lips of Ashley Davies. I reminisced at how I'd often catch myself staring at those lips and inwardly cursed the girl who'd shamelessly used them as a pawn to make Jton jealous for sport. I wanted to make up for all those moments Ashley had spent getting trampled on by the unappreciative ones. Myself included. I was hoping that my frantic kisses could make up for lost time.

Ashley had walked us backwards into her room, clearly navigating her way and knowing it best. The room was colored in crimson from those large drapes that glowed slightly from the morning light. I faintly heard Ashley feel across the wall for a switch, but was too distracted by her soft, warm hands running across my lower back, underneath my shirt, to realize the fireplace was auto lit as a result. Our lips refused to part… even if it was for something as trivial as air. There was just no time to breathe. We spent too much time breathing and thinking and pushing each other away to guard our own egos.

My hands had a mind of their own; they were gently gliding over Ashley's neck and cheeks, only to run up through her curls. I had unknowingly gripped the collar of the thin shirt she was wearing, overly stretching it and threatening to tear it off of her as it was the only barrier that stood in the way of her delicate skin. She must've sensed it as she broke away for a quick second to yank it over her head and off her body. Like a magnet, my lips were immediately drawn to her collar bone as I felt her hands frantically unzip my jeans. I was now pushing us forward to an unknown destination in this softly lit room. She didn't let me get very far before she reached for the hem of my shirt and helped me out of it as well.

I pushed on relentlessly, forgetting that my jeans were binding me at the knees and that the layout of the room is opposite than the suite I had previously stayed in. We stumbled over the back of a couch, only to roll off of it and land on the plush rug by the fireplace. We couldn't help but laugh at ourselves after I had landed on top of her and the shock of the impact had worn off.

"Talk about falling head over heels," I smirked. "Twice."

"And hard." She chuckled with a slight cringe. "I guess your clumsiness is starting to take its toll on me."

"Hey!" I laughed as I tucked a curl behind her ear before wrapping my arms around her body. We'd unexpectedly fit together like pieces to a puzzle the way our legs had intertwined. "In all fairness, you were the source of my accident prone antics."

She raised a brow, pursing her lips in skepticism. "How so?"

"I'm just saying," I grinned, "the times I've knocked down shelves and fell off horses, you were there!"

Ashley scoffed, "That hardly proves—"

"Yeah huh… you're the distraction!" My smile faltered into candor. "I've been distracted ever since you came into my life."

Her eyes glanced down to my lips and back to my eyes as she gave me this seductive look that could easily melt me down to watered down putty. "Oh, I'm sorry," she whispered, as she slowly pulled my bra strap down and placed a tender kiss on my shoulder, "let me make it up to you."

Hey! When did she undo my bra?

Ashley threw the material aside as her hands reached up to part the curtain of hair concealing my face. She rejoined our lips with a searing kiss that burned deep through my bones, moaning audibly as she stole my breath from within me. I felt her gently cradle my head in her hands and arms while she slowly rolled us over so that she was on top. My hands were free to roam the contours of her abs. Ashley noticeably shivered at the feel of my fingertips tracing her ribs down to her hip bones and finally working to rid her of the jeans she wore. I subconsciously kicked my way out of the remnants of clothing wrapped around my ankles as I thoroughly enjoyed the symphony of our rushed breathing to the sounds of my lips leaving a moist path of kisses along the entire length of her torso all the way to her collarbone.

I unclasped her bra, probably not as smooth and discrete as she had done it, and unceremoniously tossed it aside. Her pants were another challenge, but you know what they say – where there's a will, there's a way. I pushed her pants down to her thighs before I began to grow impatient and just slip my hands into her waistband. Suddenly, I felt a rush of warmth and pleasure just shoot throughout my entire body – Ashley had beat me to the spot and had her hand right where I needed her most, her fingers working her magic into me. I threw my head back, biting my lip in a poor attempt to suppress loud moans and forceful breathing. It took much effort to even peek at her with my hooded eyes to see her with parted lips and a look in her eyes that showed me she was enjoying what her fingers were doing just as much as I was.

I couldn't help but succumb to my utmost desires for the gorgeous brunette. My eyes were sealed shut as I reveled in every single moment of pure bliss, letting her touch me in ways I could've never imagined and fix me in ways I'd only longed for. It felt like I was constantly jumping off the high-dive into her, hurriedly climbing out of the pool to just jump right back in.

And every time I jumped, I would have new experiences, feelings, revelations.

And every experience, feeling, and revelation boiled down to the fact that I was simply loving her… and I was being loved just as much in return.

Ashley's POV

I lay awake, feeling content in this quaint moment just seconds before the sunset. I couldn't help but stare at the sleeping blonde before me. Her long strands splayed across the plush rug beneath her with one arm curled underneath her head and the other wrapped around my waist so possessively.

I was hers. I was always hers. I was just waiting for her to take what belonged to her.

I watched as her chest would rise and fall to each soft sigh; short breaths leaving her parted lips. Her eyelashes would wave by her slight movements. She's just breathtakingly beautiful… in every way.

There was no doubt about it – I was in love with Spencer Carlin.

Truly smitten even, but it wasn't just because she's beautiful or because I can't get enough of the sensations I feel when her lips are even slightly pressed against mine. It was beyond infatuation. Something that snowballed towards me before I could even realize what was happening.

I laugh to myself when I think of the day we met. In all fairness, I really was speeding back from Santa Monica. It was a rough night. Yvette was having withdrawals. I had gone with her a few times to her group sessions in rehab and encouraged her to find other outlets to invest her time and energy, which was kind of a bad idea considering she would shamelessly flirt and desperately throw herself at me. I was nowhere near attracted to her nor did I ever think it would be a good idea to give in to her sexual advances for the hell of it; I didn't want to send her the wrong signals. So, our conversations were mostly of her crying, me consoling her, her making a pass at me, and me rejecting her… over and over again. I felt bad because she had no one else to turn to. Her brother was her main supplier, and he and his friends practically shunned her when she decided to clean up. I had to be there for her, but she seems to think that we were dating at some point.

After leaving Yvette's and making a few stops before heading home, she sent me a text that she wanted to come over to my place because she didn't want to be alone for the night. Yvette doesn't stay over. In fact, no one stays over… unless it's a drunken Jton who can't seem to make it home in one piece from the Dubliner. So, I sped back home to beat her there, but once I had exited the freeway, she texted me that she was waiting on my front doorstep. So, I decided to avoid her because I wasn't getting anywhere with her. The only place that was remotely open that late was the café. Probably the best decision I've ever made in my life despite the worst timing. I knew it was a little past closing time and thankfully, I talked Spencer into letting me in and making a cup of hodge-podge for me. I could tell it was a long day for her and that she'd been itching to leave, but she was a good sport about it and she kept me company. It seemed like a pleasant pause in my chaotic day just to spend a few minutes with someone who wasn't crazy, not to mention that I did think Spencer was looking cute in that casual, messy ponytail type of way. There was always something I found endearing in just watching her in all her candid array, losing herself in her own thoughts and in everything human. It really was a breath of fresh air and normalcy, that is, until Yvette called to berate me. That was my cue to leave, but before then, Spencer officially introduced herself and from that first touch, something happened.

I walked to my car and nearly spilled that latte, feeling this course of air just rush through my lungs. Blood pumping throughout every fiber of my body, deafening me with a loud and constant pounding. I had to sit for a minute in my car and just take in what I was experiencing. Was I dying? It was confusing, to say the least, and it frightened me to think that my very empty and aimless existence would come to an end right then and there, all by myself in my car and no one would've known.

That single thought resounded in my head and I was deaf to everything and everyone that night. I walked up to my front door and saw Yvette sitting there with a look of fury. I knew she was yelling at me, but I couldn't hear a single word over this constant pounding in my ears. Only after she pushed me and slapped me in the face is when the feel of reality finally sunk in and I could regain a sense of where I was and what was going on. Yvette immediately left me in that deaf and mute state.

I was up all throughout the night and all morning, wondering what caused this. What was the source?

After a few hours, the effects wore off and I felt like myself again. I resorted to thinking it was just a hiccup and it probably wouldn't happen again…

Until I ran into Spencer at the Dubliner that night. She was trashed beyond measure, but she'd recognized me and called me over by name. We talked and danced and laughed. She would randomly tell me her most embarrassing moments in high school, including the one time she learned a valuable lesson about social suicide after wearing a Jedi costume to the head cheerleader's Halloween party. For the first time in a very long time, I was having genuine fun just being in the company of someone who had no expectations of me and had no reservations about being herself.

And for the first time, I got lost in thoughts about what she looked like in those quaint moments before the sunrise. I began to wonder how she liked her eggs. I lingered on that moment I'd watch her run a hand through those messy locks with a lazy smile on her face as I served her breakfast in bed.

It surprised me how very much attracted to Spencer I was, but I knew the moment was fleeting and that, more likely than not, she wouldn't remember me the next morning. I hadn't planned on making the moves on her; instead, she beat me to it when she kissed me. Perhaps I had enjoyed it more than I realized because I had lost my inhibition and was practically all over Spencer in that booth that was so conveniently placed in a dark, private corner of the bar. I wanted to take her home that night, but something was telling me that Spencer was way too good for that… way too good for me. In that moment, I realized my moral compass was spinning only because it felt like my head was spinning. It was happening again. I was feeling sick… and so was Spencer, but for different reasons. She made a beeline for the bathroom and I made a beeline for the exit. This time, the side effects lasted longer than before and I started to think that perhaps this was more than just a hiccup. How often was this going to happen and what was triggering it?

I couldn't think straight and didn't know what to do with myself that night, for obvious reasons, so I decided to take a walk… a long one. I had walked all around Westwood and all around campus before just sitting in Drake Stadium, watching the sunrise, and experiencing the feeling of fatigue that I hadn't felt in so long. As long as that loud drumming was a constant in my ears, I was walking. I walked through the marketplace and into the café shortly after it opened. That Aiden guy was working alone and I decided to get my fix before the morning rush. The latte was no hodge-podge unfortunately; it didn't taste right, not the way Spencer made it. I continued walking along through the suburbs, carefully walking over wet leaves littered all over the sidewalks and taking in sights and sounds and smells. Everything seemed more vibrant… more alive. I was walking through one residential community when I heard some guy yell Spencer's name. I turned around and saw Glen calling over to her. She looked at me and even though I was hopeful, one look is what it took to confirm my predictions – she didn't remember what happened the night before. It was a one-sided feeling… a one-sided memory. It shouldn't have come as a shock to me since I was expecting it, but I couldn't help but feel… disheartened (imagine the irony), for lack of better words.

After that, the pounding in my ears ceased and I went back to normal. It was then that I realized that Spencer was the cause, but why? What was it about her? My curiosity was buzzing all the more. I went about my usual routine the following week, sitting in on random classes. Whatever sparked my interest. I decided to pester Weihmeier that day, not realizing that Spencer was in that class and she'd have to sit next to me. Of all the classes to pop in on! I kept my distance as much as possible, still uncertain what it was about her that could possibly prod me to fall victim to some questionable symptoms. I decided to sit there, shut up, and endure… that is, until Dan decided to pick on poor Spencer. No one picks on the cute blonde and gets away with it, not on my watch! I couldn't help but put him in his place and earn my free ticket out of there. What I didn't know was that Spencer would follow me out. She tried to make small talk, but I decided to put her on the spot and flat out ask her why kissing her made me feel all weird. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't amused at how bashful she got when I'd brought it up. She was so cute and I might've been a bit too excited to hear that she hadn't completely forgotten about me from that night.

Later in the evening, I got a phone call from Jton and some friends that they ran into Yvette at The Pit and she was both drunk and high. It was a frustrating, vicious cycle that I was the only one who was really there for her as a friend, but I couldn't give her whatever she wanted from me which, I think, contributes to her relapsing. I went in that night, trying my best to sober her up as much as I could and talk to her before calling a taxi to take her home. She kept trying to hit on me and I had to be cold and stern in rejecting her. Anything I did that was remotely touchy-feely would be misconstrued as acknowledging her advances. After I saw her off is when some drunken idiot had hit me with his car. It wouldn't have been the first time I was in a freak accident that any normal human being would've died from. I mean gaping crevasses on Mount Everest's Khumbu Icefall and bomber planes in the midst of World War II were far more dangerous. I'd be damned if a drunk driver was the way I'd meet my end, which is why I was grateful that vulnerability lost its power over me.

It wasn't until the next day at the scene of the crime that I'd realized getting away unscathed didn't mean getting away undetected. Spencer had gotten herself into a bit of a mess, knocking those shelves over, and I had to forego helping her to preserve my own well-being. I'm sure I looked like a total jerk, but in reality, it concerned me that Spencer could be in any physical pain or danger. Here's a beautiful and intelligent girl who has everything going for her and a promising future. She'll probably make some huge contribution to society like ending world hunger… or inventing a longer lasting light bulb. But in a careless instance over which she would have no control, all of that could be taken from her. And here I was, in my own void of selfishness, just trucking along and biding my time until something less boring came along.

Things got significantly less boring alright—and risky—when Spencer pretty much told me she saw the accident. I played it off like she was crazy, but in all honesty, I was freaking out inside. She had the power to ruin me. I didn't know her enough to trust her, nor was I sure what she would do with that information. There was only one solution I could think of – to disappear. After accepting the fact that I'd be leaving Jton and others behind, I immediately fled to Portland with no intention of returning. However, the second I walked through the door, Tullia told me I had to turn around and go back to LA. It was as if she was expecting me. I argued with her and explained every reason why that wasn't a good idea, including the fact that there was something about Spencer that was basically dismantling me, but she adamantly kept telling me to go back. Although she gave me no reason why, I trusted Tullia would never say or do anything to put either of us in danger.

A couple of weeks later, I was back in LA going about the usual routine and keeping my eyes peeled for whatever it was that Tullia sent me back to LA for. I made sure to steer clear of Spencer and any philosophy and psych classes. Instead, I met Madison that week in the sociology building. We were partnered up for our group project about the various social expectations based on gender. As a result, her recent break up with that Aiden guy became the topic of our discussion and the basis of our project's central hypothesis on relationship expectations. I even helped her dissect the issues of her previous relationships with Glen and Aiden. Beyond that, I found her sarcasm and newfound opinion on relationships fairly entertaining. She desperately needed a push to get over her break up and I had the brilliant idea of propelling our project forward by picking her up and bringing her to Here Lounge to hang out with me and Jton.

Three things came as a surprise (and disappointment) to me that night: 1) Spencer was Madison's roommate, 2) Spencer knew I'd left for Portland, and 3) Spencer was no longer single.

My instincts were telling me I should've fled back to my haven regardless of Tullia's directions, but all this reminiscing about how Jton and I met and knew each other truly made things difficult. My ties to people I cared about, specifically Jton, would prove to be difficult to sever. I was still on guard that night, but it was slightly relieving to know that Spencer hadn't said anything about the accident to our mutual friends. While Madison and Spencer headed to the dance floor, Jton couldn't stop babbling about Leilani whom she'd met the other week. She happened to be there that night looking really good, but Jton was too enthralled by Madison to make her move. So, she told me to go and talk to Leilani. The girl can hold an intellectual conversation and she wasn't bad to look at, but other than that, there wasn't much that I found attractive about her. I couldn't picture spending my mornings with her. I could tell that she knew she was hot shit and she already had her eye on someone else, but she continued to flirt with me and cop free feels, most likely because that's what she would do in any situation where someone talks to her and offers to buy her a drink. Leilani asked me to dance and when I turned around to face the dance floor, I caught a glimpse of someone getting a little too friendly with Spencer. Typically I wouldn't have thought much of it, but Spencer's facial expression seemed a bit disturbed. I went over there to save her, probably because in spite of her being a threat, I still cared about her. I didn't want anyone to make her feel uncomfortable… ever. I just didn't know that I would face a barrage of questions that showed me Spencer had been asking around about me. She knew a little too much which only flared my paranoia, and on top of that, she didn't have her facts straight about me. I was used to people thinking whatever it is they wanted to think about me and it didn't bother me, but for some reason, I cared that Spencer know that I wasn't an asshole of a player who selfishly used people.

She may have had a girlfriend but I got it in my head that night that I had to break her fixed ideas about me and show her that I was a decent person. What I would give for her to just remember the real me that she met at the Dubliner! The feat proved difficult the next day in class with Weihmeier. He's such a pompous, chauvinistic prick that I couldn't help but put him in his place. He might kick me out each time, but I get the last word. It's guys like Dan that are the reason humanity is on a steep decline. What surprised me, however, is the fact that Spencer followed me out again. I had to mess with her (and kinda flirt with her), just finding it entertaining that she couldn't quite deny that we kissed. It didn't seem like she fully remembered that night, but somehow she knew it happened. For some reason, I saw it as somewhat of a challenge to really get her to remember me… and get her to know me for real. She was soliciting my help for Steinhaus' class, but I couldn't help but stare at those lips and want more than anything to kiss her in a way that would've been utterly unforgettable. After all, there has never been a girl who has kissed the lips of Ashley Davies and forgets to tell the tale!

This may come off as borderline obsessive, but I couldn't stop thinking about the images burned into my memory of a life lived with the blonde beauty – my fantasy girl. It just sucked that she was no longer single, but hey, I'll take what I can get if it meant just winning her over as a friend. The only problem was that Spencer was still asking a ton of questions that I couldn't really answer without exposing myself. So, maybe if I got on Madison's good graces… and Spencer could see how much her roomie and I got along… I'd win Spencer over by default.

Little did I know that the whole mall incident with that Aiden guy, his rebound girl, and Jton going after them would spark an interesting turn of events. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that Spencer mentioned something about reading his thoughts, but aside from that, I could see how much she wore her heart on her sleeve for her friends. Maybe it was a bit extreme for her to want to fix everyone else's problems, but it was a pretty big indicator that perhaps there were issues of her own that she couldn't fix. It was cute and admirable, but also incredibly sad at the same time. In fact, I couldn't help but tell her out loud how cute she was in all her flustered glory as I noticed the cobalt glint in her fiery eyes. I finally had her attention, but didn't anticipate that she would grab my hand and run towards the parking garage.

I immediately felt it again.

There was that thud in my chest and that sense of getting the wind knocked out of me as I started to feel clammy and feverish. I was too dazed and out of breath to think about her intentions. There was no doubt that Spencer had some sort of power over me to make me feel… weak. She had to have known… and I had to ask. However, Jton interrupted us. I couldn't let her see me like this. The less the others knew, the better.

I had to see Spencer ASAP and find out what the cause of all of this was. I wondered if it had to do with her ability to know others' thoughts. Leave it to fate for us to get locked in her bathroom for five hours! It wasn't the ideal situation, but it was exactly what we needed – to sit down and lay all the cards out on the table. Up until that moment of just being confined in such a small space, sitting on that plush bathroom rug with Spencer, I hadn't felt completely comfortable to tell my story. Even Tullia knew only the gist of my history, but I'd never disclosed the gritty details. There was something about Spencer's ability to read minds that made me feel like I wasn't alone in this vast world… that maybe she'd understand exactly where I was coming from. Sadly, she couldn't just read my mind and know, but knowing she had powers of her own gave me the courage to talk about my daunting curse and the dark aftermath.

She made me feel safe.

She didn't judge me or make me feel ashamed of who I was and how I came to be. In a way, it felt like I didn't have to explain myself; she simply empathized with me and apologized for events that happened hundreds of years before she even existed!

I was utterly fascinated by her. I wanted to know what she was, despite the fact that my hands were literally feeling her out. Outwardly, she was just… far too delicate. Human. A person who could feel. Feel emotions, feel cold in this tiny bathroom, feel my touch. Beyond that, perhaps she was a goddess that had some sort of control over me that willed me to vulnerability. She rendered me helpless. It was as if my existence had purpose again, of which I still had yet to discover; life no longer seemed meaningless.

For that reason, it was hard not to fall for Spencer who had captivated me, and it was even harder not to want to kiss her in the intimate confines of the unlikely scenery of suds and serendipity. I was standing at the precipice of something great, just waiting for that final push that would send me over, but Spencer having to physically put that distance between us was the first stepping stone down the path of wanting something I couldn't have; the next stepping stone, of course, would be the bold and wary looks I was getting from the girlfriend who broke down the door.

I had to get my thoughts—and whatever I was feeling—in check. I've never been the type to trifle with others' relationships and I was going to keep it that way, but at the same time, I had to know why she had that power over me. Perhaps Spencer is the reason Tullia sent me back. If I could just get Spencer to go to Portland with me, I knew that Tullia could answer all my questions. Although we established some sort of an amiable friendship, I knew it would be pretty extreme to ask Spencer to come to Portland with me. Her needing to write that paper for Steinhaus' class proved to be the perfect leverage. Even though she had rejected my offer—in multiple ways and over different matters—I couldn't give up that easily.

I guess it was part of my own conscience to show there were no hard feelings when I had agreed to Madison's request to help decorate the Poetry Lounge for Spencer's birthday. The other part of my conscience really wanted her to have the best birthday ever, simply because she more than deserved it… and my recompense would be the dazzling smile on her glowing face.

She looked so happy that night, surrounded by everyone who loves her. Was I the only person who felt like Spencer Carlin could walk into any room and steal everyone's breath away? I couldn't help but just look on and admire her from a distance every chance I got and feel like that was as good as it would get for me. I felt some sort of resentment towards Liz because she had everything I wanted – that admiration in Spencer's eyes, the freedom to touch and kiss her whenever she wanted, and the chance to wake up to her every morning and do it all over again. She got to know the intimate things about Spencer, but I'd like to think that perhaps I saw a side of her that no one else had seen. Was this what jealousy felt like? I know I had a certain envy for others because of their numbered days, but this felt like an inner fury that could consume me if I wasn't careful. I had no choice but to be okay with it because Spencer was happy; that was enough for me to accept Liz. Not to mention that Liz was always so pleasant to me and it's hard to hate someone who's just so nice and well-mannered.

The ironic part of the night happened when a somewhat inebriated Liz confided personal matters to me about her ailing grandmother amidst her conflict over whether she should stay and help Spencer with her paper or spend time with her concerned mother. It was Liz who suggested I help Spencer, despite the fact that I was going to Portland for the weekend. I think she just didn't want Spencer to be alone after a huge celebration, which only worked well in my favor, but I wasn't expecting Spencer to accuse me of manipulating things to get what I wanted. I would've rather had her say "no" to the situation, rather than regress to square one with her inaccurate, fixed ideas of the type of person I was. It was blatant that Glen was the ultimate manipulator, replacing Spencer's smile with a frown and giving me every reason to stand up for her. In the end, it seemed that blood truly was thicker than water and my friendship with Spencer was taking a turn for the worse.

Regardless, I couldn't leave things on a sour note. I wanted to make it worth her while to go to Portland with me after making a brief stop in Santa Barbara. Things were intriguingly elusive about what it was about her mother that crippled her into disappointment… and sadness. Perhaps she was at the core of the issues that Spencer seems to desperately run away from. There was no one else but me in that moment and I knew I had to be strong for her. I had to be at the ready in the event that she would completely fall apart after seeing her mom. I was determined to restore that smile I saw the night before.

Little did I know the surprise that was in store for me when we walked into that hospital room and I caught the familiarity on that still, sleeping face. The subtle wrinkles that were remnants of the days she used to smile instead of scorn. Those eyelids that covered the soullessness behind them. The look of judgment that overtook any sense of hope and aspiration that once existed in her youthful days.

It was Paula Wilson… or I should say… Dr. Carlin.

And now, I fully understood where Spencer was coming from. Her mother was a destructive force not to be reckoned with. I knew that all too well. Sadly, we now had that in common. Paula wasn't the same person I knew; I had to keep that in mind. I felt bad for her, but she made her choices. She became her own victim and tried to take everyone else down with her.

I read the chart. I read how much she tried to augment herself to fit some sort of predetermined mold. Okay… the chart didn't actually say all that, but since her mother took her away in D.C., she'd always been trying to please everyone else who didn't matter. I was infuriated that Paula basically broke her own daughter. Spencer was dealing with the consequences of a turn of events that happened before she was even born. It was so unfair to her. I couldn't contain myself. Once Spencer left the room, Paula woke to find me standing at the foot of her bed, fists balled in contempt.

"Dr. Carlin." I stated directly, trying not to sound so spiteful.

"…Who are you?" She squinted at me and for a moment, I questioned whether I was dealing with a different Paula.

I tested the waters. "Your good friend from Ohio State."

I glared at her, waiting for recognition to settle in, and when it finally did, it was very apparent she wasn't the least bit pleased to see me. "Ashley Davies?"

"Well, I'll be damned." I grinned in spite. "I wasn't sure you'd recognized me, Paula." I pulled a chair up and plopped down, slapping a knee for good ol' sarcastic measure. She was coherent and I began to quickly mull over the choice of words I had built up for her over the past 40 years.

Her glances turned towards the ceiling. "I'm hallucinating."

I leaned forward, my forearms resting on my knees and my hands clasped tightly together. "Gosh, I haven't seen you since Mary dragged you out of D.C. You were such a promising inspiration back then. It's a shame how you turned out." I shook my head.

"Nothing about my life is a shame." Paula glared at me now, her fists balling up the white sheets beneath them. "I turned my life around. I'm a well-respected surgeon now!"

Oh, the irony! The surgeon has become the product of her own craft!

"Is that so?" The chair I sat in slid back as I stood up, towering over the self-proclaimed 'well-respected surgeon.' "Well, Dr. Carlin, I wouldn't want to keep you from your busy schedule. I'm sure you have a lot of patients to attend to." I gestured behind me at the door, mocking her with disdain.

"Why did you come?" She winced, knowing she had finally caught herself in her own lies. And for a second, I too, let my own battle scars show…

"You never returned my calls or my letters. What happened to you? What happened to my best friend who, on that night, told me that she had my back?" I genuinely wanted to know because I had since questioned whether our friendship was ever real to begin with or whether I had just wasted all the better years of my existence. One thing I knew for certain is that Spencer had never—nor will she ever—inherit that bad habit from her mother. There was a higher level of genuine compassion and morals that the younger Carlin possessed that could never be robbed of her. "You did your mother proud, but I'm so glad that cowardice doesn't run in your family."

"You don't know me anymore!" She seethed. "You don't know my family!"

"How dare you, Paula! How dare you!" I paced in short steps. "You could be a hateful, raging bitch to everyone else you know, myself included, but how could you do that to Spencer, your own flesh and blood? She loves you and all you've done was kick her down like an unwanted child in your perfectly illustrious life. She only wanted you to accept her, even though she deserves so much more than that!"

If looks could kill.

Regardless of whether she believed I was a hallucination or not, I knew my words were penetrating that ice cold front she was putting on.

"You missed out on knowing your incredible daughter up until this day, and if you're lucky… if she can ever find it in her heart to forgive you… then maybe she won't grow to completely resent you."

Paula began to reach for the call button to get me the hell away from her, but I quietly turned and left. Everything I needed to say at that moment had been put out there for her newly recovered brain to ruminate over.

I couldn't find Spencer in the waiting room near the nurse's station or in the downstairs lobby. I was surprised to find her at the car, and even more taken aback when she accused me of using her to get to Paula. I was still enraged at all the unpleasant nostalgia that I got straight to the point in telling Spencer that I would have her back… always. We fell back into the comfort of knowing, again, that we weren't alone in all of this, but I was torn about telling her who the real Paula was. For Spencer to know her mom was once an inspirational advocate for gay rights, it probably restored a sense of pride in her mother but also a sense of discouragement for having never known her.

I think we were both relieved when we finally got to the mansion. I'd never brought anyone of significance to this place. It truly was my haven from all the animosity out there, a place where I could decompress and be myself. For some reason, I had no qualms about bringing Spencer and I'd only hoped that she could find that same relief. Upon introducing the two, I couldn't help but notice the sparkle in Tullia's eyes when she met Spencer. Yup, Spencer has that effect on people. More importantly, I was going to get some answers. I was certain of it.

I shut the door behind me as we left Spencer to get situated in her room. Tullia stood there at the end of the hallway, her cheeks puffed up from her gleaming smile.

"What is it?" I asked in Romanian, sharing in her contagious grin.

"Ea este ceva special. (She's something special)."

"So, what is she doing to me that—"

"No," she put her hand up as she turned to carefully walk down the steps, "acesta nu este momentul încă. (It is not time yet)."

I was confused as to why she wouldn't tell me anything, but at least I knew the answers were forthcoming, sooner or later. I spent the night in the study, reading The Picture of Dorian Gray and anxiously waiting for Tullia to tell me something—anything—but more importantly, I racked my brain trying to figure out what I could do to restore Spencer's faith in humanity. What could I do to see her smile again?

Before sunrise, I was already up on the roof, trying to assess the damages in the west wing and start the rebuilding process before replacing some shingles. I enjoyed fixing things because it meant that there was an end to a means. It takes a great amount of effort to retain my sanity when I'm tumbling through centuries, having no sense of purpose or being. The mansion was in dire need of renovations here and there, and I was more than happy to keep myself occupied with this ongoing project. After all, it was a 19th century mansion left in our name after serving an old-fashioned politician who had no heir to his name. Considering how old the place was, it was pretty well maintained.

Just across the way, I noticed Spencer was awake and on the phone. That was my cue to get breakfast ready and make this day count for her. Nothing sets things right more than food and the Davies charm. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Spencer was reciprocating the flattery and giving me the once over more times than I could count. It shouldn't come as a surprise when parading about in towel clad attire.

I knew Spencer would appreciate having a moment to recalibrate and regain a sense of peace, which is why I brought her to the most secluded and serene place on earth I'd ever come across. My mountaintop spoke for itself… with its astounding view of the city and profound silence. It was my personal sanctuary. The only disappointment was that Mount Hood was clothed in the overcast weather. We spent the majority of the day there and I was basking in every moment of the quaint view, the pleasant company, and poignant talk about the Dalai Lama and spirituality. There were rare moments in my life that weren't tainted by wars and death, and recollecting those memories was a nice reminder that life wasn't all bad. In a way, it felt like the perfect therapy for us both. For some reason, it awoke this jovial, child-like nature that I hadn't experienced in a long while, and I liked that Spencer could play right back. I may have had a little too much fun with the Nutella and crackers, and Spencer was a good sport about it that we ended up in a full out Nutella battle. It felt like utter victory just seeing her genuinely smile again… a smile I really hadn't seen since the night at the Dubliner. Once the rain started, we hurriedly closed up shop and saddled onto Maserati, and now I had the pleasure of wrapping my arms around her so delicately. I tried to stay focused in teaching her how to steer the steed, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the way she fell right into me during our descent, which only made me wrap my arms just a smidge tighter.

It was nice and I couldn't help but think how well we just fit together, both physically and emotionally.

Once in the stable, I happened to be at the right place at the right time to catch Spencer… literally. I found the irony in catching the falling blonde when I was undoubtedly falling for her, slowly but surely. However, I was very aware of the fact that she wouldn't necessarily be there to catch me. Unrequited feelings are a bitch!

Just as I had finished freshening up for dinner, I walked towards my room and immediately noticed a curious Spencer. I stood in the doorway, quietly admiring her as she peered at my vast collection of century-old artifacts. She ran her fingers over them and I didn't mind one bit. It was comforting to let someone in on my past because that's all I've ever had as a constant in my life. My heart (if it could) skipped a beat as she picked up the conch shell; the metal ring struck the hardwood floor and Spencer immediately bent down to pick it up. I walked up behind her, but the flooring did nothing to keep my appearance discreet.

"You were married." I was certain it wasn't meant to be a question.

"Once, yes." I swallowed hard, unsure of whether I wanted to venture down this path of complete and utter vulnerability. "Before Tuscany, there was Paris."

"What happened in Paris?"

Divulging the story of my married life wasn't as difficult to answer as her next pressing question.

"And what happened in Tuscany?"

I let out a long breath I didn't know I was holding in and, for some reason, summoned the courage to talk about the age-old story that sent me spiraling until I could rediscover that inner peace. Spencer's blonde locks were my very own confessional, making it appeasing to know that behind them were open ears and an open mind.

She made me feel safe.

I sat down and let myself relive everything. My marriage to Jean-Luc, my child-barren curse, my affair with Véronique whom I'd loved more than anyone, and her ability to crush whatever was left of what I'd called a heart. Life without Véronique felt like my eternal rock bottom; I never knew whether I would ever recover from it.

Despite opening up old wounds and rekindling the plethora of emotions I felt back then, she held me. It was her silent acceptance of everything that culminated into the person I am today. I held onto her and peered into those glistening eyes that looked back at me as if I was someone… someone worth looking at. Someone worth knowing. Someone of any worth.

She made me feel important to her… and that's all that mattered to me. I felt more compelled than ever before to kiss her. God how I wanted her! Her lips were taunting me. And for a second, it looked like she would be there to catch me when I'm freefalling, but just as Tullia knocked on the door, Spencer realized that that was the perfect moment to have a conversation with her girlfriend.

It started to feel like my heart didn't need to be beating for me to feel a sense of hurt. There were moments I could've sworn there was something going on between us, yet at the same time, there were too many obstacles standing in the way of just… having what I wanted, which was to be hers.

Only I would know what was really behind the subtle glances of adoration I was shooting her way during dinner while I inwardly swooned at the fact that she was wearing my hoodie. Only I would relish in her soothing presence as we would quietly wash dishes together. Only I would feel this strange anxiety building up in my stomach as I turned down her bed, wanting nothing more than to hold her throughout the night. Although it was way before my time, I'd imagined these unrequited feelings were the equivalent to medieval torture.

The planets must've aligned for me to get my wish when Spencer asked that I keep her warm while she slept. She must've been oblivious to it, but I couldn't help but relish the idea that we fit together so well. She nestled into me as I lay behind her, gently stroking her sleeved arm and quietly listening to her fall asleep. I was wide awake, getting lost in my own thoughts about her and the mystery surrounding her effect on me, when she had suddenly turned to face me. In her sleeping state, Spencer's arm mindlessly reached around my side with her face just mere centimeters from mine. Without regard to the consequences, I softly kissed her forehead and wrapped my arm around her, my fingertips barely grazing at the warmth of the soft and slightly exposed skin of her lower back.

That's when it happened – I blacked out! I was immediately startled at the fact that I couldn't seem to recall what took place from the moment I kissed her to that very moment of the sun rising behind crimson curtains and our limbs entangled beneath the sheets! I started to wonder… Did I die?! I jumped out of bed and ran to Tullia. The confusion and the breathing and the pounding in my ears was dizzying, to say the least, but finally, Tullia explained to me that all of this was a result of just… being human and falling asleep, but she wouldn't tell me what was causing it!

Her words "the curse is breaking" continued to resound in my ears.

I was alive.

And all of it was overwhelming. What did it mean for me? Was I going to die? I was confused and tired and hungry. Nothing made sense!

It didn't click for me until I was in the bathroom, staring in the mirror at myself. I saw the blush return to my cheeks and felt the coolness of the water flowing from the faucet, the rush of air flowing through my lungs, and the constant beating of my heart.

I realized now why the curse was breaking - Spencer was bringing me to life.

I dipped my face in the sink full of cool water, basking in the feel of it all, when I suddenly felt Spencer rip me away and accuse me of trying to commit suicide? I was confused! Why would she think I was trying to kill myself? Was putting water on my face a danger to human beings?

I had to get away from her… at least until I really understood what was going on.

The drive back to LA was a quiet one and I couldn't help but rethink everything that had been happening. I know it must've looked bad on my part that I was giving Spencer the cold shoulder, but thankfully, she slept the majority of the ride until we got a flat. A flat I couldn't even change! I started to feel sorry for her… and for myself… to the point where I had to clarify things and ask her if she knew the reason I was becoming human.

Was Spencer as oblivious to it as I had been?

And would she like me better as a normal human being?

Regardless, she was still there the entire time, comforting me and making me feel safe. How could I not fall for her? I started to feel like our time was cut short once we walked into her apartment and rejoined the debauchery that was our friends hooking up. Sadly, walking in on Madison and Jton wasn't enough of an excuse for me and Spencer to go off somewhere else and try to figure things out.

And when you throw in a slightly buzzed and emotional Liz into the mix, things just began to annoy and infuriate me. For one, I started to lose respect for her. If your girlfriend, whom you hadn't seen all weekend, wants to spend some time with you, you do it! And if your girlfriend happens to be Spencer Carlin, you drop everything for her, no questions asked! I had my eye on her and was utterly disgusted when she turned down the loveable blonde for a few shots of vodka. It took a lot of convincing on Spencer's part to get Liz alone, after which I immediately loathed myself once the bedroom door shut and we were all left to our own devices.

Fine. Bring on the alcohol and stupidly drunken karaoke!

All in all, it was a bad idea, especially since I had really blacked out this time and woke up on the kitchen floor with a sour taste in my mouth, a wicked headache, and an empty bottle of liquor in hand. I found Jton passed out on the couch, half naked; in front of the TV screen with the karaoke menu was Madison with mic in hand. I immediately woke Jton so we could leave before I had to see Liz with Spencer. We loudly stumbled out the door, leaving behind a slew of empty liquor bottles and my dignity.

I had laid low for a while, steering clear of Spencer and Liz, mostly because I felt Spencer had her own girl to worry about and I still had to figure things out for myself. I started going to this hole-in-the-wall place I'd found one night while passing through Santa Monica Boulevard. It was a small, independently-owned recording studio; on the other side, they sold musical instruments. I'd been dropping in a few times and locking myself in the studio for hours, skipping out on classes just to pour out all my feelings to no one but the Gibson acoustic I was playing. Unbeknownst to me, the owner had listened in on my recordings which I would always end up deleting in the end. He urged me to submit my recordings to some producers, but I wasn't interested in seeking fame of any sort. When I finally decided to buy that Gibson, he threw in a pair of tickets to the William Fitzsimmons concert that he got for free, saying that my songs reminded him of a unique blend between Fitzsimmons and Ingrid Michaelson. I thanked him for the compliments and the tickets, especially because it had been too long since the last time I'd seen Will. I'd always admired his musical talent.

I ended up giving the extra ticket away when Jton said she wasn't into the same music and I didn't feel right about inviting Leilani just yet. Music is something very intimate and sacred, in my opinion; you're essentially sharing a piece of yourself with someone else. Leilani and I had been on a few lunch dates, but we weren't quite there yet. So, I went solo, only to find a familiar face. Against my better judgment, I went over to say hi, but I noticed she looked a bit tense. She was speaking with someone else, and when I came within earshot, I realized it was Spencer's ex. I took the opportunity—a timely one at that—to rectify the situation for Spencer. I'm sure that'd be Liz's job, but I assumed she was getting sloshed somewhere else by herself, leaving her poor girlfriend to fend for herself. Much to my surprise—and liking—Spencer played along and I realized how much I'd been missing her.

When it was just us two, I realized that perhaps she'd been missing me as well. She showed quite the concern for me and had asked how I'd been, and when I found out she liked the same music, I felt like I was falling for her even more. Still, a part of me knew that at some point that night, I was going to get hurt, and yet, I rationalized that I could be strong enough to get through it.

I could be strong enough to stay… for her.

…Except I was the exact opposite.

I don't know why she reached for my hand, but I couldn't help but hold on tight. She was resuscitating me and I was feeling every human emotion I could feel in that one moment. I felt joy and anguish, safety and discomfort, certainty and fear, love and loss. I couldn't deal with it any longer.

Really, I couldn't deal with not having her.

That moment in the parking lot would forever be etched in my mind as the weakest I had ever been for anyone. I was completely unworthy of her, yet still finding it necessary to spell things out.

It made me sick not being with her.

And I showed her just how sick I was. I kissed her with everything I had been feeling. With every ounce of love that I couldn't convey in centuries. In that moment, in that kiss, I was giving her everything a nobody like me could ever offer her.

She told me she couldn't, and I understood, but I was still under some form of paralysis that I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't walk away… not after I'd just realized I had found the one thing I'd been looking for my whole life. And perhaps she did too because then it was her turn to kiss me and give me what she could – a chance. A small one. I happily took it, but at the same time, I knew this wasn't how I wanted things to happen. Who was I to tell her that I was in love with her? Who was I to ruin things between her and Liz?

When I had finally walked away, I'd realized that our kiss wasn't something that either of us could take back, but what choice did we have? She's with Liz and I guess I'm seeing where things go with Leilani. It was a mistake, really, and I take full responsibility for it.

All throughout the week, I had decided to spend more time with Leilani just to try to get my mind off things. We went out to dinner and a movie on one night, and went for a nice, long walk down Santa Monica Pier the following night. Like I said, she could hold a conversation, an intellectual one at that, which is probably the most I'd find attractive about her. Even though I was polite, opened the car door for her, paid for dinner, and kissed her at the end of both dates, there was still something missing – she was no Spencer Carlin. Anyway, Leilani must've taken a liking to me because later on in the week when we decided to meet up with Jton and Madison, she immediately became possessive, but not to the degree of obsession like Yvette. She was showing extra PDA at the Lounge and I just enjoyed being wanted by someone. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but it was enough at the time, especially because I knew Liz was coming back into town and Spencer would be completely preoccupied with her.

I decided it was for the best that I stick to the plan of pretending the kiss never happened, but I should've known that Liz's infatuation with alcohol was going to lure her back to the bar. I really felt sorry for Spencer, seeing as how she totally looked out of her element. You could tell it was the last place she wanted to be. The only thing that made her remotely interested in staying was to confront me about the kiss. I didn't want to hurt her. That's the last thing I wanted, but at the same time, I had to say what I needed to say in order for the both of us to walk away from the situation as unscathed as possible. Our lives were a bit too entangled with the mutual friends we now shared and the very monogamous relationship she was in; I wasn't about to let that small moment tear apart this little circle of friendship we had going on. I knew it might've been overkill but, in a way, I was using Leilani as an escape from the whole situation and hopefully it would encourage Spencer to move on. However, hearing the ridiculous excuses her ungrateful girlfriend was giving her just fueled me. Before I could turn around and do something about the situation, Yvette shows up out of nowhere and I found myself fighting a battle of my own.

Outwardly, it always seemed like I'd been there to rescue Spencer from the clumsiest and stickiest of situations, but it was the first time that she'd stepped in and selflessly defended me when I was too self-involved to ask for her help. Despite me hurting her the way I did, I still mattered enough to her as a person. I was utterly speechless, seeing as no one has ever really defended my honor like that. I only became even more enamored by her, realizing that I really could trust Spencer with anything.

Later on in the week, I started to notice how Leilani wanted to spend more time together as a group. She took a liking to Jton in a strange manner where their interactions were mostly sarcastic banter that could be perceived as borderline flirtatious, and in return, Jton would strangely gawk and glance at her in a way that I'd never seen her do with anyone else before. I figured something was brewing, but my mind was elsewhere to really think much of it. It wasn't until Liz invited all of us to her performance that I realized the reason why – I hadn't seen or talked to Spencer all week and I was slightly looking forward to seeing her, despite the fact that the night was more about the ungrateful girlfriend.

I was pretty bummed when Madison told me that Spencer had to work that night, so I was stuck watching Jton eye up Leilani who felt the need to explicitly "show me off" with excessive PDA. I partially felt like a show dog whose owner would proudly show off and brag about, yet I couldn't really comprehend why she was treating me like such a prized possession. Regardless, I was content in reveling in the moment and watching all of these crazy creative performers put themselves out there. I have to say that the piece Liz did was pretty compelling. She basically summed up her entire upbringing and who she was, and did it with an unparalleled passion which I believe really broadcasted her talent for spoken word. Her facial expressions and emphasis on certain poignant words really spoke to the various trials and tribulations she underwent through her childhood to break past a predetermined mold of who she was supposed to become, culminating with the recent death of her grandmother, yet painting a hopeful and promising aspiration for the newer chapters in her life that have yet to come. For a second, I could see why Spencer loved her; Liz was a very passionate and driven individual. I began to wonder what else it was about Liz that she found attractive, and what other qualities Spencer might look for in a girl.

I knew I would never have the guts to perform spoken word—or any other performance for that matter— in front of a large crowd, but it certainly didn't stop Jton from volunteering me up there during the open mic sessions between performances. I really was at a loss for words and ideas until I stumbled onto that stage and decided to pick up one of the acoustic guitars. The only thing I could think of was to perform the song I'd been belching out in a private sound room in downtown Santa Monica. It really wasn't something I'd wanted to share in such a public space, but after Liz's friend Anthony had introduced me on stage, what choice did I have?

The second I started strumming the first few chords, I started to picture the room as dark and quiet as a summer evening with the soft haze of a starry night. And underneath the twilight, I imagined seeing Spencer looking right at me the same way she did just after we kissed the night of the concert. I sighed at the thought of her placating and heart-warming smile, her gentle yet possessive embraces, and the light scent of vanilla and Arabica beans.

The words were just pouring out of me almost naturally and it felt like a euphoric, outer body experience. I was surprised at my own ability to perform without a single hesitation or mistake, not realizing that perhaps I've had this hidden talent in me the whole time. And if I didn't know any better, I could see Spencer's face amongst the throngs of people watching from the balcony.

After my impromptu performance, I was approached by a few of the attendees, mostly commending me for my song. One happened to be an up-and-coming music producer who was also good friends with the recording studio owner, but I still had no interest in using my musical talents for fame or money. His persistence and my friends jumping on the bandwagon caused me to resort to grabbing Jton's cigarettes and finding the nearest exit.

I leaned up against the brick wall, briefly enjoying the quiet alley and the nostalgic starry night I had thought of when performing, before I heard the argument between Spencer and Liz erupt just a few feet away. Sadly, I was stuck in a position where I could neither interrupt nor walk away to undoubtedly make my presence known. It truly broke my heart to hear the one-sided effort in that relationship which they worked twice as hard to conceal from the rest of our friends. It's a shame, really. I'd thought their relationship was pretty promising, seeing as how much Liz went out of her way to throw Spencer a wonderful surprise party and woo her with poetry and jazz music, but now she was totally blowing it. I totally understand how important spoken word is to Liz, but she can't even spare a minute for her girlfriend?!

I let out a pained sigh as I heard Spencer sobbing quietly before her footsteps drew near. The second I saw her tear-stained cheeks, I couldn't help but mirror her mournful expressions. All I could think about was how much I just wanted to cry for her. I wanted nothing more than to shelter her from the hurt and make her feel better. She's already been through a lot with her spiteful mother and disappointing relationships, both past and present. I knew how it was for her… I knew all too well.

The very least I could do was give her a hug, and in a moment of empathy for Spencer, I started to feel guilty and selfish, realizing that I needed this hug despite being an asshole to her the last time I saw her. It was then that I had realized I had missed her. I was reluctant to let go, realizing how well we fit together. I really didn't know where to go from here. So, when Spencer brought up my open mic performance, I was further dumbfounded and partially wondering whether the sentiment behind my song was found out.

I slightly panicked at the thought of having to explain myself, when the rest of our friends arrived just in the nick of time and served as a much welcomed interruption. Everything seemed like a blur, considering that Spencer and I just had one of those behind-the-scenes moments where one or both of us let our guard down and we quietly accepted the raw reality of how we were really doing – I'd like to think we're just miserable without each other, but maybe that's just me. It was clear we were both putting up pretenses in front of our friends because it was easier than hurting those around us. Granted, I take accountability for playing dumb when it came to Lei; she draped her arms around my shoulders and purred in my ear about how much she missed me, when I could smell Jton's perfume all over her and taste Jton's cigarettes on her lips. Did I continue to smile like a love-stricken idiot? Of course I did! The fact of the matter, whether we outwardly acknowledged it or not, is we were using each other – she was using me to make Jton a jealous wreck who would be eating out of the palm of her hand in no time, and I was using her to be the "margarine" version of the one I couldn't have. The affection and companionship was nice, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't filling that void for me.

Jton suggested we all hang out and drink at her place as an after party. Spencer opted out and seemed ready to call it a night. I really wanted more than anything to just take her home and be that person she could lean on and vent to. Everyone else was blind to her anguish, being caught up in the excitement of the night, while I, on the other hand, inwardly grieved for her. I hadn't felt so miserable before, just sitting on Jton's couch watching NCIS re-runs, while they all played King's Cup and blasted music. Even though everyone else got piss drunk and passed out on the couch, I felt so restless and so trapped where I was when I knew there was somewhere else I was aching to be.

Needless to say that I felt some reprieve that we were going to Liz's surprise dinner because I selfishly needed to see Spencer and be around her for my own self-loathing desires, but also because I wanted to show a bit of moral support for her. I knew she was going to need it, considering that her friends practically forced her to throw this surprise dinner for the girlfriend with whom she's on the verge of having a falling out. Despite what was going on behind false pretenses, it was clear that I was stuck in some strange scene out of a classic satire where everyone was seemingly putting on a show for someone else. Everything seemed so fake and the only real moment was when Spencer called Lei a slut. I balked at her audacity, but felt equally impressed. The other shoe had to drop sometime!

It was apparent that everyone's cover was completely blown after that. Spencer and Liz immediately left and it so happened that the rest of us came clean – Jton had feelings for Lei, and Lei found Jton exponentially more attractive than me. Don't worry… I wasn't the slightest bit offended. My best friend's a looker! Madison was rethinking her break-up with Aiden. We all knew that Spencer and Liz were pretty much done, and there were suspicions that Spencer was taking a liking to me… up until Madison confirmed it. They all speculated about me liking Spencer because of the obvious chemistry between us after we got back from Portland, but it wasn't anything I was ready to admit to. Call me old school, but the lady of my desires should probably be the first to know how I really feel, not her gossip-hungry friends.

Plus, I needed to hear it from the horse's mouth. I needed Spencer to tell me to my face exactly how she felt about me. I knew my timing was terrible—and this is going to sound awfully selfish—but I knew it would work in my favor that she and Liz were on very rocky terms at the time.

I went straight to Spencer's and waited for her at her front door with the intent to confront her, and with no regard to the current status of her relationship with Liz. Call me selfish.

I also had to put on a front that I was really upset about how she disrespected Lei, but the second I saw Spencer's reddened eyes and tear-stained cheeks, I nearly cracked.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it." She answered dejectedly. I watched her as she brushed past me and unlocked the door, but I forced myself into her space and forced her to make time for me. "Ash, this isn't a free invitation to—"

"You're upset. I get it." It was now or never. The weeks of facades and fake candor had to come to an end. It couldn't have all been for nothing. "But, that doesn't change the fact that you were inexcusably rude tonight!" Bring on the Oscar performance.

"Honestly, Ash," she shrugged, "I don't give a fuck."

"Exactly! If you don't give a fuck, then what's your deal? What's wrong with you, Spence?"

She rolled her eyes, "Please. You always say something's wrong with me, never something wrong with you… or Leilani!" Spencer marched towards the living room.

I wasn't letting her off the hook that easily. "What's it to you anyway?"

"Leilani's not a good person for you, trust me!" I saw a glimmer…

I had to bait her. "Why? What if I actually like this girl?"

She looked pretty disgusted, "Fine! Go for it! See if I care that she plays you and leaves you high and dry just like Veronique." Wow. That actually caught me off guard!

It was an equally low blow, but I had to. "Oh, this coming from the almighty mind reader who can barely keep her own relationship afloat."

I anticipated her reflex to try to slap me, but the second I grabbed her hand, I knew the walls were crumbling down…

"You have some nerve—" I pulled her in and kissed her with everything I had been feeling because I finally had my answer…

Spencer feels something for me.

I wanted more. I wanted her. I wanted all of her.

"Tell me why," as if to stroke my own ego, I had to ask, "you care about me with Leilani." I could almost care less to know the answer, finding it difficult to interrupt our kisses with unsuppressed moans and unnecessary chatter.

"I don't want you to get hurt." Spencer whispered, her lips provoking me with their softness. "You're too good for her."

I swooned.

Her feelings were real…our feelings were real.

I stopped to look into her eyes. "And you're too good for tears, Spence." With what else I couldn't put words to, I expressed in such deep, slow kisses. My feet started to drive me forward as my arms gripped her tightly and the rest of me was taking refuge in the affection of her embrace.

That's when Spencer started to question our actions. To be honest, I didn't want to rationalize myself out of what I knew was the right thing; everything felt right! But to Spencer, it was wrong.

Somehow, I got the sense that she was still with that ass of a girlfriend.

"Tell me you want me to stop." I heard myself say, but what I really wanted to tell her was to follow her heart and not her head. "Tell me now or else I'll have no restraint left in me, Spence." I really didn't know why I was saying what I was saying; I was giving Spencer an out! It was in these rare instances where I wish my brain could vocalize the feelings of my pleading heart!

Looking in retrospect, I realized human instincts had gotten the best of me.

"I'm with Liz."

My heart sunk.

After all this time!

After everything we've been through!

After what we've shared and what I knew her heart was trying to tell me—

She still chose Liz over me.

She still chose her head over her heart.

That was all it took. That was it for me. It was unbearable enough to have to be around Spencer with all these painfully searing emotions and unreciprocated feelings, and to watch Liz—the one she chose over me—act so detached and unappreciative towards such a doting girlfriend. How much more of my dignity could I possibly spare now that she knew exactly how I felt when she was around? How much more vulnerability could I possibly accept now that she knew exactly what that kiss—and what all her kisses—mean to me? I was constantly putting myself out there and constantly being exposed like a poorly told joke, and I always came out feeling unsettled and…swindled. She steals my heart every time and I'm left with nothing but my own madness. It was insanity.

Wasn't it Albert Einstein who said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results?

That was the last straw for me.

As I grabbed what I could out of my apartment with the thought of leaving for Portland and never coming back, I had both Jton and Lei at my place, both apologizing profusely 1) for the feelings they developed towards one another and 2) for acting on those feelings while Lei and I were dating. Even though everyone came clean with their charade at the restaurant, these two still felt the need to talk and smooth things over with me after my sudden departure from dinner.

Imagine their utterly shocked faces to hear that 1) I already knew about their brooding feelings towards one another, 2) I was not as dumb as a doorpost to know that they were and had been acting on said feelings, and 3) I could honestly care less at this point. Needless to say, Lei and I were over.

"Ash," Jton paused as she shook her head in disbelief, "you're taking this surprisingly well. Did you hear what we just said?" She looked up at me from where she was sitting on the couch. Lei kept glancing between both of our expressions.

"Heard you the first time, my friend." I calmly reiterated as I continued to shove clothes into my duffle bag resting on the opposing couch.

"We never meant to hurt you." Lei spoke so naively, carefully watching my stoic expression.

"I know." I shrugged, "it is what it is." I kept my eyes on the task at hand. "You both ought to be happy together. Don't let me stand in the way of that."

"So," Jton asked in apprehension, "you're not… mad?"

I shook my head as I forcefully zipped the duffle and threw it over my shoulder. "Do me a favor." I tossed the keys to Jton. "Lock up when you leave."

Jton shot up and intercepted my short walk to the door. "Where are you going?!" She blocked my exit.

"Leaving." I mumbled.

"Why are you acting like you're not coming back?" She furrowed her eyebrows, "You said you weren't mad!"

"Look," I gripped the strap of my duffle as I finally looked her in the eyes, "this isn't about you or Lei. I just need to take off for a bit." I tried to move my way around her.

"You say you're my best friend!" Jton growled through gritted teeth as she grabbed the collar of my jacket and pushed me against the wall. "Why? Answer me, Ash! You owe me this much!"

"I don't owe you anything!" I yelled just as much.

"This is about Spencer, isn't it?"

I pushed her hands off of me as I wordlessly walked out and slammed the door behind me.

It was at that point that I became so pissed off. Not at Jton. Not at Lei. Not even at Spencer.

I was mad at myself that I was leaving. Leaving Jton and everyone behind. Deep down inside, I didn't want to leave, but at the same time, I couldn't stay.

There was nothing more I could do to fix any of this.

And what was worse… the whole drive to Portland, I loathed myself more and more with every mile I was distancing myself. I loathed myself for even entertaining the thought that Spencer could ever choose me.

That was the last straw for me.

…or so I thought.

It wasn't until I saw Spencer standing before me that night in the pouring rain that I felt that soft, yet familiar flutter in my heart that I hadn't felt in centuries.

It wasn't until then that I could feel hopeful again in all my years of existence.

It wasn't until I saw Spencer, clear as day, standing before me the next morning, holding my hand in the warmth of hers and finally confessing that she was here for me, that she was choosing me.

She chose me!

It wasn't until then that I could breathe again.

You see, before I could even realize it, there was this ridiculous force of attraction at work that neither of us were strong enough to pull away from. I suppose that's what they call "love at first sight." Even though I was initially attracted to her superficially, there was always something deep within me that kept drawing me to her and kept wanting to be around her despite the most difficult and painfully awkward circumstances. I couldn't explain it. I thought that I'd been around the world long enough to know everything there is to know about the finite existence of people in this world, many of whom would do just about anything to anyone for their own selfish ambitions. And that's when you meet those beautifully unique and rare people—diamonds in the rough—like Spencer Carlin; people who throw you for a loop because they're not like everyone else. They just have the biggest hearts, always giving their everything for everyone around them and sparing nothing for themselves. That's what Spencer Carlin means to me—everything I aspire to, cherish, and adore.

Everything I couldn't be on my own.

I guess that's when you know you've found your soulmate—something inside you just recognizes something so wonderfully rare in someone else, and it totally captivates you and changes you into someone you couldn't be on your own. I suppose everyone just has that dormant trait of who they really are, just waiting to be unraveled, but it isn't until you meet that one person who activates that trait that you can actually feel like your entire point of existence is complete.

And that's what Spencer's given me. Not only did she bring me back to life in the physical sense, and revive my soul, but she's given me a life I can finally live.

All because she chose me.

All because she chose what was always rightfully hers.

Spencer's POV

I slowly opened my eyes at the feel of warmth against my bare back. The fire just a few feet away was still going as I realized I was still lying down on the rug. I looked up to see Ashley smiling down at me with her head propped up with one hand. She reached underneath the blanket that was draped over us and ran her hand over my side and down my back. I briefly closed my eyes, savoring the feel of her fingertips down my spine leaving a trail of incomparable warmth.

"Hey there, sleepyhead." She purred, before placing a soft, warm kiss on my lips.

I couldn't help but smile back as the events that transpired replayed in my head. "How long was I out?" I croaked, my eyes blinking slowly.

"Maybe half an hour?" Ashley kissed me again. "You must be tired. You should catch some sleep… maybe on the bed this time." She smirked.

I laughed, "I guess we kinda missed the bed there, didn't we?"

"And we kept missing it… over and over again," she chuckled. I think it was safe to say that once we were at it, there was no moving elsewhere. We just didn't have the time to spare!

"You didn't sleep?" I brushed a soft curl behind her ear.

She shook her head, "Hard to sleep when my stomach is audibly making its presence known." She continued to grin that trademark smile of hers that could make butter melt on Antarctica.

I leaned into her and feigned sympathy as I wrapped my arms around her, "Aww, you poor, little human." I began to kiss the warmth of her skin at her collarbone and up her neck where I could feel her pulse against my lips.

"Kryptonite," she breathed out with a slight moan.

"Mmm." I laid kisses against her jaw line as I rolled her unto her back and lay on top of her. As I pulled away slightly, I watched as those dark brown eyes slowly opened. I smiled down at her as she rested her hands on my cheeks. She smiled back at me with that loving look I noticed in the beginning. "What are you thinking about?"

She shook her head subtly. "You're so beautiful, Spencer Carlin," she responded softly with such heavy words. It then occurred to me that no one else in this lifetime has ever heard Ashley Davies speak so lovingly about them.

I lowered myself, pressing my lips firmly on hers as I felt like I was melting into her. I inhaled deeply, feeling like I could get lost in her forever. My hand started to trail down her smooth skin that slightly quivered to my touch. Just as my fingertips grazed over her stomach, it had let out a loud grumble. Ashley giggled as I slowed down my frantic kisses around her neck.

I pulled away slightly, "Yeah, we need to get you something to eat."

"I don't know. I think I'm good here." Ashley bit her bottom lip as her hands lazily cupped my ass.

"You can barely cop a feel!" I chuckled, glancing back at her hands beneath the blanket. "Your strength is waning. Come on." I pushed myself off of her and helped Ashley to her feet.

Much to her protest, we finally made it to the kitchen with minimal clothing on. We kinda had to reheat the French toast and bacon, but it was delicious, nonetheless… with tons of maple syrup. I couldn't help but practically sit on Ashley's lap at the table as we fed each other, bite after bite and kiss after kiss. Actually, there was more kissing, less eating. It was almost like watching Popeye eat his spinach the way Ashley seemed vigorously stronger at the end of our little meal, with her firm grip around my waist and the eagerness in her kisses.

"Mmm… that was so good." Ashley hummed with her eyes closed as I drew my fingers through her hair and around the nape of her neck.

"And necessary." I smiled before stealing another kiss with her eyes closed.

"I know!" Those beautiful brown eyes snapped open. "I was beginning to wonder how much longer you'd let me go on with severe blue balls!"

I burst into laughter, "I meant the food!" I reached for a ripe strawberry from the bowl of fruit on the table, appreciating its sweet tartness and thinking how underrated brinner is. Really… whoever thought up breakfast for dinner was a genius!

From the corner of my eye, I could see Ashley sigh into a smile.

"How do you like your eggs?" She husked.

"Hmm, sunny side up." I squinted at her curiously, "Why?"

Ashley shook her head, "Just thinking of what to make you." Her fingertips started to stroke my exposed thighs in a way that wasn't as sexual as it was affectionate.

"Well," I lovingly ran my fingers through her soft curls and down her shoulder before giving her a quick peck on the lips, "I'm pretty stuffed as it is so—"

She blinked slowly, still with that doting smile across her face. "I meant for tomorrow morning, silly."

I shrugged, "I'll like anything you make me. I'm pretty easy to please."

Ashley smirked, "I know! I've gathered that much."

"Oh, I had that one coming, didn't I?" I laughed with her as my fingers ran down the side of her arm to her hand where our fingers intertwined. It dawned on me that I wasn't going to be able to get enough of her; I'd constantly crave her touch, her hugs, her kisses. I was so addicted.

So in love.

"I'm sure it won't be the last," she mumbled, pressing her soft, warm lips against the side of my neck.

"Mmm, of what? Pleasing me or my embarrassing antics?"

"Definitely both." She growled as I grinned, placating my bubbling desires with a sensual kiss. My tongue slowly grazed her bottom lip while Ashley teasingly nipped at mine. I softly moaned and just as I tilted my head to deepen the kiss, Ashley unexpectedly pulled back, visibly needing a moment to catch her breath. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah," I breathed out, not understanding the reason for her sudden concern. "Are you?"

"We're not going too fast, are we?" I could tell the words 'you just got out of a relationship' were trailing behind.

I chuckled, "Based on the past several hours, it would seem that we already put the cart before the horse, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but still," Ashley smirked, "as cheesy as it sounds, I want to do this right."

I turned to straddle her so that I could look directly at her, and also because I could tell it concerned her and she needed some sort of reassurance. She continued to gaze into my eyes ever-so-lovingly, the corners of her lips twisting into an awe-struck smile that made my insides burst.

"Not unless you think we are moving too fast," I continued to search her eyes for reluctance, later realizing she was probably asking just out of consideration for me. I leaned my forehead against hers as I played with the soft tendrils that rested at the nape of her neck. "But if you think we aren't, I want you to know that I'm right where I want to be."

Ashley smiled reassuringly. "Me too." She gently stroked my cheeks with her soft thumbs as she leaned against the chair. "So… you kinda like me, huh?"

"No," I shook my head, "I don't kinda like you… I really like you." The other l-word lingered in my brain for a second, but I was too much of a coward to say it. I didn't know if my emotions were getting the best of me because I didn't second guess it; it felt right to say that I love her, but at the same time, the thought of taking things a little slower would probably be for the best.

"I really like you too." Ashley smirked as she softly grazed my hips and ran her fingers under my shirt and up my bare back, pressing herself further into me. "I'm glad we finally got together."

"I'm sorry it took so long." I said somewhat mournfully.

"Spencer Carlin." Ashley shook her head, sweeping my strands behind my ears. "You were well worth the wait." She whispered, her eyes blinking slowly.

The weight of her words and that endearing look in her eyes told me she wasn't just referring to the past several months.

More like the past few centuries.