A.N. This chapter was supposed to be longer, but it became so long that I had to put it into two. So please enjoy chapter 16 of SB! Please R&R... the more reviews, the sooner the next chapter will be up. I'm hoping to update it within a few days. Also, this chapter will be dedicated to my wonderful new Beta... PureHearts :) Thanks so much for your help! It's really appreciated (L)
Mother's ailment hasn't gone away yet. Lately all she ever does is sleep; waking up a couple of minutes each day simply to eat or drink something, only to regurgitate it all up later. Most days when I visited her, she would be sleeping restlessly, or vomiting, too weak to rise out of bed.
I wouldn't stay with her for long. Each day got a little harder to see her face. Her pale skin shone with perspiration, her face held a pallid glow. No one was sure what was wrong with her. The greatest doctors from around and beyond the kingdom were baffled. Most said that she was working herself too hard and needed proper rest, but even I understood the true meaning behind their careful words.
Today started off the same as usual. I woke up, changed into a 'proper' gown by Lady Jane's standards, and ate breakfast before going to classes for the rest of the morning. After lunch, I had music lessons with Lord Alec, who was teaching me 'Moonlight Sonata' by Beethoven. After a long while plonking fingers on to the black and white keys, I went into the garden to have some tea with Lady Jane. It was still early in the after noon when I went to see Mother. Knocking on the tall wooden door, I heard Alice calling from the inside. I took a deep breath before walking in.
A gush of humid air engulfed me as I stepped into the dark room. The windows were closed with heavy curtains drawn over them, making the room muskier than usual. Alice curtsied when she saw me, before soaking a piece of linen cloth in cold water. She then wrung the cloth over the basin of water before placing it gingerly on her forehead. My mother's slender body was tucked under a thin white blanket to her chest, her thick hair lay delicately on her pillow, her once brilliant eyes were now closed in exhaustion. She was breathing heavily, almost desperately, as if she was running out of air. There she lay, a ghost of her former beauty. I stood at the foot of her bed, watching Alice wipe the sweat off her neck. I cleared my throat nervously.
"Is she feeling any better today, Alice?"
Alice let out a small sigh before shaking her head.
"She hasn't woken up since earlier this morning, Princess. The King visited her this morning, and she was asleep then too," she said.
"Is this there nothing I can do to help? Perhaps I could do what you are doing now?" I suggested, motioning toward her.
"Of course not!" cried Alice. "This is a servant's work, Princess. I would neve forgive myself if I made you do it. Just your presence is making her feel better. You need not worry about things like that," Alice said dismissively.
Knowing there was nothing I could do for Mother, and that Alice was too busy to keep a conversation with me, I started to exit the room.
"So be it. Please excuse me, Alice."
But just as I put my hand on the door, I heard a coarse, but gentle voice call,
"Bella?"
Hastily turning around, I looked to find my mother's eyes wide open with panic, her face ashen, covered in sweat. The sound of our hushed voices must have awakened her. Alice excused herself and went to go find the doctor. Moving closer to her and kneeling down beside her, I quietly petted her hand. Looking up to see her face, I realized that she was crying.
"Mother, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"
"No, Bella, no I am not in any physical pain," she whispered. "Isabella… you look so grown up… almost fourteen… I lost fourteen years to be with you… fourteen years without a mother. I'm sorry Bella." Her voice trembled, and shook. "I'm sorry I was never there for you, that I had never spent more than a day by your side, taking care of you when you were sick or needed me." Tears were falling down her thin face. "I'm sorry I was always away… you had to fend for yourself. You look so grown up, yet you are still so young…"
A coughing spell hit her and she struggled to catch her breath. The doctor came in and I found myself desperately wanting to leave. I stood up quickly and started walking towards the door.
"Isabella…" I paused at the door, not trusting myself to turn back.
"Bella, I love you my child…"
I felt my stomach clench, and I hurriedly left the room, hoping I seemed nonchalant. Once the doors were closed behind me, I stood in the hallway and inhaled the fresh air.
'I need to get out of here,' I thought. My feet started to carry me aimlessly, the tea I had soured in my stomach, and I bit back the bile rising in my throat. My head was spinning and I was finding it hard to breathe. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks, and my heart felt ready to explode in my chest. I wasn't aware of my surroundings as I stumbled along unthinkingly.
My mother really thought of me as her child. My mother, who had never really been a mother figure to me, never showed me any weaknesses or signs of love, really did love me. My tears started to flow freely, and uncontrollable sobs tore at my heart.
Not only was I unsure of the fact that she would live, but this was the first, and possibly the last, time I would ever hear either of my parents tell me that they loved me. It wasn't fair! Why did she wait this long? Why wait until the last second to tell me how much you cared? I had been waiting to hear those wonderful words from her mouth, but why now, when it's almost too late? What should have been one of the greatest moments of my life, was now a memory tainted with grief. I was too overwhelmed by her words to answer her properly, or to tell her my true feelings.
Was it possible to die from heartbreak? I felt like it was. I stared at the old swing, the swing which was the start of so many memories. Memories of me and … I closed my eyes.
'The only mother I know of, actually loves me, and she is dying, withering into nothing. The one person I love the most, has gone away without a goodbye. And it is certain that I will never see him again.'
The autumn air was cool and refreshing. Prince Jacob had assigned me to accompany him to some sort of business meeting. Almost every afternoon, the Prince would go somewhere unknown to the rest of the castle. Leah and Seth were teasing him about courting a beautiful princess. An agonizing thought of my Bella falling for the Prince occurred to me, before I squashed those feelings out of sight. The other inhabitants of the palace simply rolled their eyes, and grinned in amusement. Prince Jacob had never courted anyone before, and it was unlikely to happen any time soon.
I wasn't exactly sure why he needed me to come, but I wasn't complaining. I was glad to get out of the castle for the first time in months. I helped the other servants to load food into the carriage before Prince Jacob went inside, and ordered me in too. I felt the carriage start moving along the bumpy path. Sitting on the stiff seat of the carriage, I remembered the last time I was in it, riding into the unknown. The sadness and confusion I felt that day made me realize that I had to stop my feelings for Bella. It wasn't healthy for someone like me to be in love with someone like her. She was far above me. She was meant for greatness. She was meant for happiness.
I was meant for nothing.
Prince Jacob, who was sitting across from me, had started tapping his foot on the hard floors of the carriage. He looked out the window, focusing on something very far off in the distance, and sighed. I wasn't sure what else to do, so I followed his gaze. There was something peculiar about the look on the Prince's face. He looked slightly alarmed, eager and very impatient, as if we had been waiting here for too long. I wanted very much to ask him why he needed me here, but I kept my mouth shut. The first rule about being a servant, is to never to speak unless you are spoken to.
Jacob caught my questioning glance. "You're probably wondering where we are going and why I brought you along?"
"Yes your Majesty,"
" We are heading off the Swan's castle. Your job will be simple, just unload the cargo and bring it to the kitchen," Jacob said, and then his face softened,
"We're visiting someone very important."
"Your Majesty, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you say the Swan's Castle?" I asked, struggling to keep the shock off my face.
"Yes… oh, of course. How would you know about the Swans? A mere servant like you probably hasn't even seen outside the castle walls. Anyway, once you are finished unloading the carriage, you are dismissed. I will call for you later on, after sunset," he added. His eyes wandered back to the window, effectively ending the conversation.
I lay back on the hard seat, and did my best to stop my mouth from twitching in glee. I couldn't believe it. After so many days, praying to come back to the castle, after so many nights of wondering how everyone was doing, I could finally see everyone again. It was like a dream come true. I was elated with happiness. The day had finally come for me to see Bella again.
What seemed like ages later, the carriage finally came to a halt. The coachman opened the door and Prince Jacob stepped out.
Ignoring me, he went straight into the castle. I quickly grabbed the food that was placed neatly at the back of the carriage, and ran in through the staff entrance that led to the kitchen. I heard the kitchen staff go quiet, as I dropped the heavy load on the kitchen counter. Six pair of eyes looked at me in shock.
"Edward? Is that you?" Jasper was the first to speak. His hand still held the knife he was chopping onions with. It hung suspended in mid-air, all but forgotten.
"Who else would it be?" I answered, grinning.
"Oh, Edward!" Esme threw her arms around me, followed by Alice and Rosalie. Carlisle patted my head while Emmett and Jasper pretended to punch my arm and pummel me to the ground.
"It's wonderful to see you again, my son."
"How on earth did you get back?" Alice squealed, dragging me to the table. They crowded around me, waiting for my explanation.
"Prince Jacob ordered me to accompany him here. Although it's only to unload the carriage, I am allowed to visit everyone. I'm as surprised to be here as you are. I never imagined coming back so soon." I smiled. It really felt amazing, as if I really did belong here. My smile didn't return the sad look on their faces.
"Does that mean you are only visiting for a today? Will you be able to come back?" Carlisle questioned, voicing the thoughts of everyone.
"Yes, it's just for today, but isn't it better than never seeing each other at all?" I met with each of their stares before Alice quietly agreed,
"I suppose it is better than nothing."
"So? What have you been up to for the last four months?" Emmett boomed. I told them about the Black's castle, about Seth and Leah and my new life. My eyes wondered around the room, looking to see if Bella was hiding somewhere.
"What time is it? Aren't there still chores to finish? I could help you, and we can speak later when there is less for work to be done," I said, rolling up my sleeves as I stood.
"Don't bother, Edward," Alice said.
"Yeah, that's right little brother! You'll only make a mess of those onions anyway!"Emmett added gleefully. I rolled my eyes. Emmett was just infantile.
"Now Edward, you just came back! Go for a walk, get some fresh air, and enjoy yourself. We'll meet up with you later," Esme encouraged. I smiled and gave her one last hug before leaving the kitchen.
I wasn't sure where I planned to go. I sat behind the outside door that lead into the kitchen. Part of me was desperate to see Bella's smiling face again, to talk to her and make her laugh like I used to. I wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I was for leaving without telling her or saying goodbye. I wanted to explain how much I thought of her, and how much I did love her. Every inch of me yearned to touch her, yet at the same time, a nagging voice at the back of my mind reminded me of the reality I was in. I was not allowed to love her.
'She doesn't even love me back,' I thought, 'A Princess must love a Prince, so of course she would never look at me as anything other than a childhood friend. Someone like her deserves someone far better than me.'
I knew that if I saw her, all the love I felt for her would come tumbling forward, and I wouldn't be able to control myself. She was probably better off without me. During the last few months I was away, she was probably happier than she had ever been. No one would be there to tell her off, or scold her, or to break promises…
Grimacing, I grimly decided to avoid seeing Bella at all costs. I went to places that I remembered Bella usually wouldn't go. I sat down under a tree facing away from the old lake where Bella and I used to swim. I looked at familiar landscapes and smiled. It was great to be back. I lay back, lazily wondering what should do I next. It was still early in the afternoon, and it would be a while before my family finished their work.
The loud sounds of footsteps crunching against the dry ground made me turn. Glancing around, I felt my heart pound loudly against my ribs.
Bella looked thinner, taller, her hair slightly longer, and she was standing on the dock. She had her shoulders hunched and it was clear to me that she wasn't happy. She bowed her head, wiped her eyes, and then looked down longingly at the water, as if wanting desperately to go for a swim.
I was mortified. My little Bella looked like a mess. I had the urge to run to her and wrap my arms around her frail figure. I watched her, wondering what I should do. Should I just stay here and watch her? A feeling of sheer nervousness rushed through me and I felt my knees going weak. I wanted to go to her and beg for her forgiveness. To erase my wrong doing. To make her cherry lips curve into a sweet smile. My Bella wasn't suited for tears. Before I was even able to move, I heard a faint cry as she broke out into tears, moaning brokenly.