A/N: Grief comes in many ways, it can come slow or fast, it all really depends on the person, but it usually comes in five stages. Many people do not experience the stages in this order, some even skip steps completely and solely go through only two or three of them, which is okay.
The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order.
Instead, it's more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are. Keeping that in mind — all people grieve differently. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional. Others will experience their grief more internally, and may not cry.
You should never judge how a person experiences their grief, as each person will experience it differently.
The stages of grief are:
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Enjoy! xx Mariah
It hadn't been long since Katie had her c-section, maybe an hour. Maybe less. She'd just started to wake up, her throat dry and her eyes heavy.
"Hey," Ned pressed a kiss to her hand.
"Hey," she whispered, her mind was groggy from the medication and she couldn't remember to the full extent of why she'd come to the hospital. She'd remembered the car ride there, how scared she was, but she couldn't remember what the doctor had said. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?" He whispered, wondering.
"I'm little a groggy," she groaned, her abdomen aching as she moved slightly in the bed. She reached out to touch her stomach, which was still swollen with extra weight from the pregnancy. "Was there an emergency c-section? Is everything okay?"
"Katie," he kissed her hand again, moving up to sit next to her. He moved slowly, careful not to touch her stomach. "The baby…" His face fell into her shoulder. "The placenta ruptured. They rushed you into surgery, hoping to save you both but they couldn't bring him back. He was without oxygen for too long."
He doesn't remember much after that. He could only hear Katie's cries fill the room. Loud strangled sobs. In that moment, he watched the light go from her eyes. He watched the pain come and her face break like waves on frigid sand. Her grief surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by her long intakes of the damp spring air. Tears spilled from her eyes onto sheets. Her gaze feel from him to the floor.
In that moment the sure knowledge that life would go on without him, that time won't stop over their son, undid her completely.
All pretence of quiet coping was lost and she sank into his arms, neither of them caring about the fact her tears were quickly soaking his shirt. Her fingers grasped him close, he was crying with her, truly letting his emotions run free now that he was with her, Katie, his wife, the mother of his child.
She casted her eyes to God, she needed his love more than ever now.
"Dear God, take care of our son." She sobbed and held Ned just a little closer.
He managed to comfort her and he just held her as she buried her face into his shirt. He let her sob and clutched for him. Clutched to the hope that this was just a dream.
He never moved a muscle, only held Katie as she went further into this. Jim came in after checking on a few of his patients. Melinda was fast asleep now, along with Mackenzie and he held his daughter's hand as she grieved for her son.
Ned decided to give them a moment alone as his phone rings. It was his mother.
"Hey, I've been calling all night. What's going on?" Delia asked.
"Still at the hospital," he muttered.
"So Katie is having the baby?" Delia said
"A lot happened," he muttered. He broke down to his mother, his tears choking him. He gathered his breath and collected himself. "Katie's okay now. She just woke up. They brought her back for an emergency c-section. Her placenta ruptured and there was a knot in the umbilical baby was deprived of oxygen and didn't survive." The other end was silent, until he heard his mother begin to cry. "Mom, I don't know how to comfort her. She carried our son for months, and now he's dead. I don't know how she's gonna get through this."
"You just have to be there for Ned. You can't leave her side. I'll come by in the morning once Aaron is back. Stay strong." She said softly. "I'm so sorry Ned."
This was the worst day of his life.
He entered to room once the phone call was over and Katie was leaning into her mother, his tears just silently rolling down her cheeks.
"Mom," she whispered. "You should go home and get some rest. That chair nor this bed can be comfortable enough for your back."
"I'm fine here. You need me right now." Melinda squeezed her daughter's hand.
"I do," she sniffled. "But I kind of wanted some time with Ned. That's why you should go home. You can come by in the morning."
"Ok," Melinda yawned, as Ned helped her up. She came over and hugged her tightly, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "I'll be back in the morning sweet pea. I love you."
Jim collected Mackenzie and winked to Katie with a sad smile, who smiled back at him. The family left and Ned closed the door before he climbed into the bed with Katie.
"Oh honey..." He whispered and pulled her into his arms. She tucked herself into him, sobbing softly. "It's going to be okay. We'll have another one day… and it will be right. And they will know about their big brother."
"They will?" She looked up at him and he wiped away the crust from her eyes.
"They will," he whispered, leaning his face against hers.
She hugged him tightly and he kissed her then. She melted into him and he held her so tight she thought she might not be able to breathe, but it's the first time she's felt a little lift on the weight on her chest as she fell asleep.
A few hours later, when Katie woke it was dark. The light had been dimmed and Ned was asleep in the chair next to her. The television was still on, and she could see the time had to be nearly midnight considering that a late night talk show was just beginning.
She sat up slowly, wincing as her stomach ached and she grasped the table that had been just out of her reach from where she was laying down. She took a sip of water from the jug Ned had filled earlier and that was when she saw the man that was in the doorway.
It was Professor Payne. She wondered why he was her, considering how late it was. He looked up from his watch, and met her eyes as he sighed.
She could tell he didn't know what to say. Like her mother had said emotions were not his strong suit.
Rick didn't know what to do. He was not her father. He had never been through something like this. He held her gaze for just a moment, hoping she was at least a little happy to see him, even after everything that had just happened.
He went to walk in and she shook her head. It wasn't the right time. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Not really. Not many people. Ned and maybe her parents, for now. She'd talk to her siblings when she was ready.
Rick turned to leave and glanced back, just as Katie leaned over to run her hands through Ned's hair. He was resting his cheek against his palm which propped up on the bed next to her, a close enough distance to give her the space she needed while Ned could still be close.
As Ned began to wake, Katie noticed Rick was gone from the doorway and she focused on her husband.
"Hey, what time is it?" He whispered as he noticed her looking over at him. He stretched his arm before he moved to hold her hand, squeezing it.
"Pretty late," she answered quietly. "Almost midnight."
He stood up and pressed a kiss into her forehead. "The doctor said you need to rest," he reminded her.
"How can I?" She looked up at him and pushed back her blanket as she moved over a little on the bed. "Will you lay with me?"
He nodded and moved onto the bed. She laid her head on his chest and he settled his hand on her waist as she finally began to fall back asleep.
When she woke in the morning, Katie knew it was time. She finally felt ready to see their son.
"I want to see him," she whispered, pressing a kiss into his shirt. "Could you go tell the nurse… tell her we're ready."
"Yes," he said, moving off the best slowly. He stretched as he stood. "I'll go."
He stepped onto the quiet hospital floor. No other moms were in labor the night before. He avoided the nursery where the perfect tiny new babies lay. He avoided the rooms where the families were celebrating the new life that had come into the world. The new life that joined their families.
He'd gone to get the nurse, and she'd said they'd bring their son to the room as soon as they can.
He didn't go back right away. He walked the halls mindlessly and eventually walked past the nursery. There was a man there, smiling at a little girl and Ned would've given anything for that to be him. For him to peer through that glass and see a bassinet with their son in it.
"Which one is yours?" The man asked.
Ned blinked, realizing he'd stepped up to the glass to look inside. He looked to the man, whose smile was spread across his face wide and bright.
"Mine's Cassie," he pointed to the little girl in front of him. "She's just a day old. I can't wait to bring her home. She's just a little underweight still. Which one's yours?"
"My son died instead of being born today," Ned's tears ran down his cheeks and he looked over at the man. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be here. I should be with my wife."
"Hey," the man reached out to put his hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened."
"Thank you," he kept walking this time and came to her room.
He hasn't been back since she asked to see their son. He couldn't bare to look at the boy who wouldn't be coming home with them. He didn't have the strength to seem him but she did. She has that inner strength.
It was silent, the sound of a pin dropping would echo in this room. The emotional tension was high as he hesitates before entering.
"Would you like to hold him?" Her voice came to his ears first as he made his way over to Katie. "He's smaller than I thought he'd be."
Kate's hands were slow and cautious as she passed their son to him. His son in his arms was lifeless. Still, cold and lifeless.
He's no bigger than a teddy bear and had a head full of auburn hair that was stained with dried blood; crimson.
His eyes, scrunched shut, and skin cold to the touch and light blue.
"I think he looks like a Charlie," she said lying back against the firm pillows.
"My dad's name? Are you sure?" He asked, his fingers touching his son's face.
"It has a ring to it... Charles James after both of our fathers," she replied and looked up at Ned with a tearful smile.
"That really does have a nice ring to it." He smiled softly. "He looks like you, his nose and lips and the way his face is all scrunched up like yours when you wake up in the morning."
"You think?" She said, looking back down at him. "We should take some pictures... so we can remember how beautiful he is." Ned moved, wanting to be closer to her. He sat beside her on the bed and she laid her head on his shoulder. "He really is beautiful, and it's hard to think that we made him."
"He's perfect," he whispered, passing him back to her.
Ned took a few simple shots of just him in her arms and one of her in the frame holding him.
"Here. Let me take some of you with him..." She sighed and kissed the top of his head before she gives him to her husband. She took a few pictures before setting the camera down. "I can't do this... I need a minute. A day with no sadness and death." She sighed and looked at the birth record that's sitting on the tray in front of her. "Do you have a pen?"
"Yeah..." He said setting it down next to her.
Ned makes his way to the lounge chair and sat down to take time with Charlie.
He was just so small. Smaller than he would have ever imagined like his wife had said.
Meanwhile, Katie neatly filled out the form.
Charles James Banks was born on January nineteenth at 2:32 pm. He was four pounds and three ounces, and nine inches long. His mother was Katherine Ann Banks, 21 and father was Ned Charles Banks, 24. His grandparents were Melinda Irene Clancy, James Allen Clancy and Delia Mae Banks and the deceased Charles Nathaniel Banks. His godparents would have been Hannah Marie Carson and...
"Ned, who would have been your pick for godparent?" She asked.
"Probably Josh..." He answered. "I hadn't asked him yet. I thought we still had time."
"Yeah. We were supposed to," she whispered. "He would have been a great godfather." She wrote his name down.
"Yeah... he would have brought all the balloons he could find and some big stuffed animal and ran down here." He said while looking down at him. "He's my best friend and my captain. You would've loved him little man, and he would have loved you."
"I-I finished." She sighed. "I need my mom. Now. She's good with this, with me when I'm going through these things."
Almost on cue, her parents and Reverend Daniels walked in and a bit of tension crept inside as well.
The funeral director wore empathy like his overcoat, just for work.
It wasn't that he's a cold person, quite the opposite actually, but he had this fakeness about him as his hand graced her forearm. The way he said that no parent should have to go through this. That's such a cliche thing to say.
"We have a small collection of newborn coffins. Gray, green and purple." The funeral director asked as he looked at the set of papers in his hands. "Unless you want cremation."
She squeezed her husband's hand and looked at the table.
"Gray. We'll take the gray casket," Ned answered and looked at Katie, his beautiful wife who would barely look anyone in the eye anymore.
She hadn't pulled herself out of bed in two days. It took an hour to get her out for this.
It's hard to believe this was the same person whose smile could light up the night sky. The same person who's laugh was absolutely contagious.
"And the date? What date do you have in mind?" The director asked.
"The twenty fourth," she spoke up quietly.
"Does eleven in the morning work?" The director said writing some things down. They both nodded. "I'll see you then. Once again, my condolences." The director said extending his hand to cover both of theirs for a moment before excusing himself.
They stood, Katie collected her purse and they left the funeral home. The walked down the steps and toward Katie's car that was parked across the street.
"Are you hungry? I was thinking we could go get a bite to eat and maybe stop by and see your mom." He said, unlocking the car as they crossed the street. He winded his arm around her waist as they made it across and he opened the passenger door for her. "What do you think?"
"I just wanna go home, Ned" she sighed.
"Katie..." He said, looking down at the snow around his feet.
"I just want to go home, Ned." She said a little louder as she got in the passenger seat and pulled the car door shut behind her.
He got in on the other side and began to drive away. The tension between them had been high since she came home from the hospital two days ago. She hadn't ate or slept much. Only laid in bed, silent to him and the world.
"I going to see my mom. I'm stopping by the store." He said suddenly, his voice louder than the hum of the radio.
"Fine," she whispered. "But I'm not going in. I hate that place."
"How can you hate it Katie, it your mom's place." He muttered. "You used to be there every day."
"Yeah. I used to do a lot of things," she said looking out the window. "I used to feel a lot of things that I don't feel now too."
"Katie," he pulled to the curb beside the store, reaching out to hold her hand. "Why won't you just talk to me? I love you… I love you so much."
"I love you too," she looked over at him and bit her lip. "I'm just not in the right mood to go in there right now. Okay? I just want to go home and lay down."
He nodded and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I'll be quick," he whispered and pulled back as he got out of the car, leaving it running for the heat to stay on.
He walked into the store and saw both of his mothers, whether one was by marriage or blood it was all the same to him. Melinda had been there as long as he could remember.
"Ned, hi," Delia said softly, walking toward him. "How did the meeting go?"
"It was hard to get Katie up and out of bed at first," he sighed, walking into the back with his mother. "But she gave in after an hour of begging. The funeral is set for the twenty fourth at eleven at the Cathedral."
"Is Katie with you?" Melinda asked, looking up from the delivery list.
"She won't get out of the car." He shrugged, running his hand through his hair. "She just wants to go home. She won't talk to me. She's sleeping in the spare bedroom."
"Spare bedroom?" Melinda stood up from her desk and walked toward the front door, pulling back the curtain to peer out at her daughter who was turned away from her direction. Katie was dressed in all black, her hair straight and flowing over her shoulders. "She's not in the master with you?"
"She won't go in there and won't tell me why either." He explained. "She won't or sleep or talk to me for more than two moments at a time."
"I'll be back," Melinda said grabbing her coat and walking out. "I'll try my best." She slips into the driver's seat within seconds and looks at her daughter. "If you won't talk to him then talk to me..."
"There is nothing to talk about mom," she sighed. "I just want to go home."
"Katherine Ann, you don't get to act like nothing going on." Melinda explained and then touched her daughter's arm softly. "Why are you cutting Ned out? He didn't do anything... you didn't do anything."
"I can't look at him," she whispered. "I only see him when I look at him."
"Katie," Melinda held her hand. "You need to open up to him about this. Maybe go back into your room?"
"I know. I'm just not ready," she muttered.
"Baby, talk to me." Melinda kissed her hand, squeezing it. "Please. Just tell me what's going on in your head."
"Can you go tell Ned I wanna go home?" She took her hand back, placing them in her lap.
"Yeah," Melinda looked over at her, her hand resting on her shoulder. "I'm a phone call away baby. You know that right?"
She nodded slightly, looking over at her through her sunglasses. "I know mom." She smiled softly. "And I love you."
"Oh Katie," Melinda wanted to lean over the console and hug her daughter, but she knew it wasn't the right time for that. As much as Katie loved her mother's hugs, Melinda knew she wouldn't lean into it. "I love you so much," Melinda whispered and held out her hand. "I'll always be here."
Katie removed the sunglasses from her face and sighed, looking over at her mom. Katie's eyes softened, the anger from before leaving the second she met her mother's eyes.
And there were words in her head now, but she couldn't put them together because she's choking on her frantic lungs and she's scared of what will come out if she opened her mouth. But then came a broken cry and her mother was the only person who Katie had ever been able to cry in front of like that And despite everything, despite her anger and her self hatred and loss, Katie reached across the console and held onto her mom's hand, throwing out a lifeline.
The last one she's got.
When she felt weight press down beside her, she almost recoilled but then there's the warmth and the smell of her mother that calmed her and she leaned onto her hug.
Once Kate's tears subside, she pulled back, wiping the tears off her cheeks. She leaned over and shut off the car, tucking the keys in her pocket as she moved out of the car.
Melinda followed, silently. She definitely hadn't seen this coming. Katie waited for her mother to step on the sidewalk quickly, before they entered the store. Ned turned as the bell chimed, expecting Melinda, but saw his wife beside her.
"I know, you want to go home. I'm sorry I was taking so long." He walked toward her, and she holds out her hand to him.
"Not yet," she whispers, smiling at him as she leans into him. "Wanna grab that lunch you mentioned earlier?"
He pressed a wet kiss to her forehead as she tucked her head on his chest, his tears present on his cheeks and in his eyes as he mouthed his thanks to Melinda as she walked past them.
Melinda's hand lingered on his shoulder and smiled at them oth softly. Ned had never been an emotional man, but after the past few days he had really missed his wife. His Katie.
And even if this is temporary and just for lunch, he had her back for now and that was all he wanted right now.
Two days later, they entered the cathedral.
Katie and Ned were one of the last to arrive, both dressed entirely in black. Katie's face was partially covered by a black veil to avoid eye contact and Ned was wearing his aviators. They were holding hands as they walked down the aisle.
Only the front two pews were left empty, for the immediate family of the deceased. All eyes turned onto them as they neared the coffin.
She let go of his hand, and walked into Father Daniels' embrace.
"Katie... I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but you and I both know He works in mysterious ways." Father Daniels voice was soft in her ear as he embraced her. "Everything will straighten out with time. If you and Ned ever need anything... don't hesitate to ask."
"Thank you, Father," she muttered and then looked past him, the gray coffin in sight. "It's nice to know so many people care."
"Yes. Thank you," Ned said, holding his hand out to the Priest as he walked closer.
"Of course," Father Daniels says, shaking Ned's hand before he stepped around them. "I have a few things that I need to get done before the service, so please excuse me. We'll have to talk after."
The coffin gleamed in the early morning light that streams through the multicolored stained cathedral glass windows. It was expertly crafted not to bring comfort to the departed but to soothe living. It was built to be the final resting place of one who hadn't gotten the chance to live their life. It's faux-silver handles and polished sheen helps to reduce their trauma to wracking waves that were at least more manageable.
They had to see their son in something of beauty, something that showed what he had meant to them.
"I can't do this, Ned..." She whispered, handing him the bouquet flowers. "Not yet. I need some air. I'll be right back."
"Katie, let me go with you," he held onto her hand for another moment, nearly pulling her back to him.
"No," she shook her head, and she lingered in his embrace for a moment. "I'll be right back. I promise." She turned around to walk back out the double doors of the sanctuary.
He took in a breath before walking toward the altar. He laid flowers on top, everything beautiful to hide a reality neither of their hearts could not bare. They brought him here to entrust him to God, to pray that he take good care of him, as in their hearts they knew he would.
But all at once heaven seemed to far away and they would be glad of the grave they had picked out to visit for when they needed him. Then too they would bring flowers and imagine him safe and sleeping in this fine casket.
"Ned..." Melinda said, touching his shoulder.
He turned to see the Clancy family, all dressed in their best.
"Melinda, Jim. It's good to see you." He said, looking to the pair and then to Aaron, Mackenzie and Lana. "Hey guys."
"Where's Katie?" Jim asked softly, his arm around Melinda's shoulder.
"She went out for some air," he said, looking to the kids. "I don't think she was ready yet."
"I'll go see if I can talk to her," Jim said, pressing a kiss to Melinda's hand before slipping off.
"Ned?" Lana said tugging on his jacket.
"What's up kiddo?" He asked, squatting down to Lana's level.
"For the baby," Lana whispered and held out the rose she held.
"He'll love it," he said, looking at the pink rose in her hand. "Do you want to put it up there?"
"Could I?" Lana asked looking at the coffin.
"Sure… I'll bring you up there." He said picking up the three year-old and helping her place the rose next to the bouquet.
"Thanks, Ned," Lana whispered and then ducked behind her mom.
Mackenzie embraces him, her arms tightening as she cries. "You would've been a great dad... I just know you would've. I'm so sorry Ned," the eleven year old said into his jacket.
"Thanks Kenz," he said kissing the top of her head. "Maybe next time, right?"
"I couldn't find her," Jim said, coming back. "I spoke with Father Daniels, but he said he hasn't seen her since she was in here with you."
"I might know where she is," Mackenzie muttered. "But only I can go. It's our thing."
"Where Kenz?" He asked..
"Our hiding place... it's our spot. She hid their before the rehearsal for your guys' wedding too." She sighed, biting her lip. "I have to find her. It's our place." She walked out the double doors and toward the left.
"Mackenzie? What are you doing?" A voice called out as she slipped under the rope that had a note on it that read: Do Not Enter
"Father... I was just-" She didn't know what to say. She knew she could get tino a lot of trouble for going up where the bells were.
"Don't worry. I won't spoil your secret hiding place with Katie." Father Daniels said with a smile.
"How'd did you know?" She asked.
"I know everything that goes on in these walls. Plus I've seen you two slip up there once or twice." He laughed, shaking his head. "It became your places after you got scared and ran up there and Katie found you. Right?"
"Yeah. Kind just started happening after that," she said softly.
"Well don't let me keep you. Katie's waiting for you," he smiled and she walked up the small, hidden staircase.
The stone staircase winded up in a tight spiral, so that the inner part of each step is so narrow and pointed it was impossible to use. It curled around to the right with no handrail and only the narrowest of stained glass windows to provide light, which crept in gingerly as if unsure it was welcome. The stones were cold, even through her winter boots she could feel her body heat seeping out. Each step echoed around, emphasizing that she was the only one here.
Katie's sobs could be heard as Mackenzie reached the top of the tower near the bells, her older sister sat a the top of the stairs, and the cathedral bells behind her.
"Katie?" Mackenzie asked, rounding the last corner.
"Mackenzie," Katie cried. "I came here to be alone."
"This is our place. You came here to be alone until I found you," she said, sitting next to her.
"It was just so crowded down there." Katie sighed, leaning against the wall. "Plus everyone was staring and it just got to hot. I had to clear my head. I hate when people stare. It's just so rude and inconsiderate."
"I know. I hate social interactions," she said leaning her head on her shoulder. "But Ned needs you, Katie."
"Don't tell me what Ned needs. What about what I need?" Katie asked.
"Katie, you can't just expect him to be there for you all the time when you aren't there for him..." She said, nudging her side. "You have to be a team. You can't do this alone, and you don't have to. Everyone is here for you. Especially mom and dad, Ned and me. Even Aaron if you asked. You know he'd be there for you too. Lana's little, but she gives good hugs."
"When did you get so smart, huh? I thought I was the one giving advice," Katie laughed as she sniffled, and rubbed her sister's side.
"I have an excellent big sister and she teaching me all these things. She's always there for me and now it's my turn to be there for her." She said looking up at her. "To be her shoulder to lean on."
"Your sister... she sounds pretty awesome." Katie sighed.
"You really are and you'll be okay again." She reassured her. "I know you will. You just have to take things slow and lean on people. You think your strong enough on your own, and you are, but right now you need help. And that's okay."
"You're right." Katie whispered. "We should probably get out there. Even if I'm not ready to say goodbye to him."
"I'll be right next to you, holding your hand." She says standing up, ducking under the low ceiling. "And so will Ned."
"I don't want to," Katie muttered.
"Well I'm pulling your butt in there then," she said, grabbing her sister's hand. "You can't be late, Katie."
"Ugh... fine." Katie sighed and grabbed her little sister's hand. "You're annoying, you know."
"I know. I take after you," she laughed and smiled up at her as they walked down the staircase.
Katie laughed for the first time in days and looked down at her little sister, hugging her tightly. "Thank you," Katie whispered and once they reach the bottom of the stairs she hugged Mackenzie again. "I love you Kenz."
"I love you too, Katie." She said, squeezing her hand. "Ready?"
"I'm about as ready as I'll ever be," Katie sighed and then opened the doors.