It had been a long day for both Katie and Ned. Many hugs, handshakes and sad smiles had been exchanged all day, but nothing helped the couple.
At the end of the day they still were going home to an nursery and empty hearts.
"I think today went well," Ned said and took his jacket off. He loosened his tie and untucked his shirt from his pants. "As well as it could've."
She slid her heels off and walked into the living room, shrugging. She sat on the couch, pulling the blanket over her lap. "I guess," she muttered.
He followed her into the living room and sat beside her. She went to lay down and he pulled her legs over his lap as Katie stretched out.
"The food after was good," he tried to keep small talk going, hoping she'll open up to him a little. They hadn't talked much the last two days.
"Yeah. My mom made good choices didn't she?" She stared at the wall, only able to feel herself breathe. Her body still ached from the surgery, her stomach still pout with pregnancy weight as Ned's hands ran over her sides. She felt so disgusted in her own body, even as Ned touched her.
"She did," he said, pushing his way against her, lying with her, his hands ghosting over her as he kissed her shoulder.
She almost wanted to push him away, to tell him how she felt when he touched her, but she could barely look at him so she devised having him behind her was the better option. She could only see their son in his eyes. Even if she'd never seen Charlie's eyes open, she knew he would've shared his father's eye color.
"I love you," she said for the first time all day, and it's the first time she didn't feel like it's a lie. Her heart pulled for him, a little bit of numbness escaping.
Lately she either felt everything or nothing at all these days, and she didn't know which was worse. To feel everything so intensely, to want to cry until she suffocated or to feel absolutely nothing. To be numb to Ned, to the world around her almost as if she'd stepped out of her body to float as a ghost through the world.
"Katie, I love you too." He breathed, holding her tighter. He's never been so glad to hear those words before in his life. "Will you come back to our room tonight?"
As Katie turned in his arms, her heart beat so fast she could hear it in her ears. Her eyes met his as she settles her head against his arm, feeling the muscle there. "I need one more night alone," she whispered,, unable to look at him
"Katie, I thought we were supposed to be a team." he said flatly and she moved to get off the couch then. "Where are you going?"
"You obviously are upset with me," she stood up. "I'm going to take a bath."
Sadness was her master, for now. She was at the mercy of its whims and at times it bit at her with such ferocity she feared it will leave her an empty shell.
"You tell me that we're a team, but when I need one more day you just say, whatever!" She yelled, her voice bubbling near a scream as he stood up. "You close your ears and ignore me and this... this is exactly why I wasn't talking to you. This is exactly why I haven't been sleeping in a different room."
"Why is it that you get to run away?" He screamed, his face turning red as his eyes strained, and his tree trunk neck vein stuck out. "When does it get to be my turn to grieve, Katie? When will you take care of me?" His words were spat out with the ferocity and rapidity of machine gun fire. "It's like you've forgotten he was my son too! I lost just as much as you have. I was all alone while you were in surgery and all alone when I was told our son was dead and not once have you taken the time to hold me or tell me everything is going to be okay."
Without wiping the spit from her ashen face she stood there in front of him, perfectly composed and as still as a cadaver. His fuse simmered and fizzed like a firework as he always did.
She waited for him to finish, her entire body numb to his words by now. She wished she could be there for him, but right now, she could barely keep herself together let alone try and take care of him.
When he ran out of worse at last, he looked up at her and there was no trace of tears, not in his eyes or in track marks on his reddening face. His eyes were narrowed, rigid, cold, hard.
"You promised that you wouldn't check out." His voice broke as he stepped closer to her. "I need my wife."
"I'm not checking out, Ned. I love and I want to be there for you, but how can I when I can barely keep myself together?" She cried. "I just need another day."
"You can have all the time you want then, I'm going somewhere else," he walked away from her and rolled his eyes, turning to leave the room.
"Ned... where are you going?" She reached out for him, grabbing his hand as she followed him into the foyer.
"Don't worry. I won't be back tonight, so there, now you have your one night." He grabbed the keys from the dish and pulled her hand from him as he slammed the door behind him.
Her body jumped as the door slammed closed, startling her, even if she knew it would happen. She fell to the floor, leaning against the door. She didn't mean to hurt Ned, to make him want to leave. All she wanted was one more night alone to think through everything. Maybe it wasn't worth it, maybe she wasn't worth anything anymore.
Her mind was all over the place. Her son was gone and how happy she used to be with Ned. She replayed her son's death and it haunted her. She should've protected him, but instead he died inside of her.
She cradled her stomach, crying in pain from the surgery and from the loss. How could she move on from this?
She felt like nothing would get better. How could something get better from this?
It killed her to know that if she would've just gotten Amber to leave her alone that maybe Charlie would've been okay. Maybe he would've had a chance. She couldn't hug him, tickle him, or laugh with him. She doesn't get to see him graduate or get married. Her son died before he even got the chance to breathe real air, smile, or feel the sun on his face.
She had never felt so empty in her entire life.
She stood up, collecting herself enough to make it upstairs and into her and Ned's shared office. She grabbed herself a piece of computer paper and an envelope.
She knew what she had to do.
Her hand shook as she reached for a pen.
She carefully began to write, until the page was filled and signed it before slipping something into the envelope and writing Ned's name on the front of it before cleaning up after herself.
This was for the better. Ned would be okay. He'll find someone new, fall in love for real this time and have a family that she could never give to him. No one would miss her. No one will shed a tear for the young girl who lost her son and wished to be with him. They'd understand that nothing would fill this void enough now to get her through this.
She carefully closed the office door behind her as she crossed the hall again. She walked into their room and over to Ned's bedside. She placed the envelope on his pillow and turned to the bathroom, walking inside, the cold tile against her toes and closed the door behind her.
She let go of all hope as she looked at herself in the mirror. The usual chipper and beautiful appearance had been stripped down to a pale blotchy face, bloodshot eyes, ratty hair and dark circles under her eyes.
Four days... it only took four days for Katie's entire world to crumble. Still starring in the mirror, she touches her sunken cheeks softly.
"It's like lookin' in a mirror," she sighed and furrowed her brow.
Her mom. The one constant female role model in her life.
Her gaze fell with every grief surged breath. She couldn't look at herself and be reminded of her mother. She knew could never forgive herself for what she was going to do to her mother.
She looked down at her wrists and carefully examines the veins. She imagined a blade slicing through her skin, blood pouring out and onto the tile.
Should she cut them, bleed out, and die?
No, she reminded her side. That was too messy.
She could never force Ned to have to clean up that mess. Let alone someone else like her father or one of her siblings have to do it. Ned would stare at it for weeks, months even before finally having someone help him erase the last impact she had on this world.
She slowly opened the medicine cabinet and saw the little bottle of pain medication Ned had prescribed to him after he took a bad fall at work and broke three ribs. She remembered the nights of carefully making love with him after that. They had to be so careful in order to make sure he didn't move the wrong way and hurt himself. She closed the cabinet.
She couldn't take something of his. He'd never forgive himself for leaving it around her.
The emptiness in her heart, the numbness pounding her brain, the salty tears that flowed from her eyes, the sheer nothingness that now holds of her soul that threatens to engulf her entirely.
She mindlessly turned on the faucet and washes off her face, it didn't do much other than leave her chin dripping with water. Maybe it would help if she took a bath, soothe her skin, her mind, and get her in that place of serenity.
Within minutes, the tub was filled with water and she stripped down naked. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her once prized body was now a thing of the past, and she peeled the bandage from her stomach.
She didn't feel any pain. Not really. She lost her baby, her body had betrayed her. The same body that she had always treated with such care, and this was what it did to her in return. And it didn't even hurt.
Not enough. Not really.
She pressed against the fresh bruised and stitched up scar and gasped in pain, finally feeling something. The scar laid fresh and new against her pale olive skin. It's pink shininess was shocking. It would forever remind her of what happened. Of how her son died inside of her own body.
She felt dead inside. Worthless. She didn't like life was worth it anymore. Not at all. She'd never felt like this before and she never wanted to feel anything again.
The bottle of medication she'd been prescribed to help sleep was sitting right there, not even out of arm's reach on the bathroom counter...
"This should help," the doctor said, handing her the bottle. "You must be careful."
"With what?" She sighed, spinning the orange bottle in her fingers.
"It'll calm your mind and help you get some sleep. Katie, please, you need to let your body heal. You lost more than just-" The doctor replied.
"I know what I lost. You don't need to remind me," she murmured, taking the bottle. "Can I go now, if I promise to take these."
"Of course... just remember don't mix those with anything." The doctor reminded her. "Only take one every 6 hours, as needed. If you take anymore then you could severely hurt yourself, alright?" The doctor said touching her shoulder, holding out a card to a specialist in grief. "You should really try and talk to someone. Bottling your feelings up and shutting out everyone who loves and cares isn't going to help you."
"I'm fine," she said closing the door behind her. "I have my family. And my husband. We'll be fine."
Would it really help? She wondered. Did it even matter? She reached for the bottle, her fingers latching around it and twisting the cap off.
The grief that usually just came in waves had finally consumed her entirely. It will do that, you see, if you let it. Sadness will swallow a person whole, and leave a fragment in the dust.
She reached for glass cup that had been used countless times in the morning and filled it with water before walking over and easing herself into the warm bath water. Her breath came in uneasy gasps as she desperately tried to calm herself down.
Her hands shake as she pours the tablets into her palm, one falling in the water and dissolving to nothing, much like herself these past few days.
She stared at them. The little yellow pills. She knew the would end her life, and you'd think she'd hesitate, maybe even try to think of something to keep herself afloat and in this world but she lifted her palm and downed the glass of water.
It had a quick effect, she slowly drifted away. Her body sunk under the water just as Ned's truck pulls up in the driveway.
Once Ned put his key in the door and walked into the house, there was an eerie silence to it that unnerved him. He knew Katie had to still be home, her car was still in the driveway.
Climbing the stairs quickling, he opened the spare bedroom door hoping not to find an empty closet. He saw the usual neat bed and pads over to find her closet still full.
"Katie?" He called out. "Katie, where are you?"
He looks around the hallway as he walked around, checking each of the other three rooms before going into the master bedroom. That was when he saw the envelope with his name on his pillow.
His name was written in her neat cursive handwriting across the white front. He reached for it
as he sat down on the front of the bed, carefully opening the letter and unfolding the parchment. He read carefully, taking in a deep breath.
Ned,
I love you, so please understand. I mean, understand that every day since Charlie died I wake up with this gnawing feeling. I try to push it away, but it gets worse. It doesn't stop. This feeling. It hurts. It stings. All the heartache, the stress… it gets to me. And I tried at first to be there, for you. For myself, really. So if anyone, especially you, thinks suicidal people are stupid, please realize that when you are holding the knife or pills like I am, that it's not easy to put them down.
I can't tell you how many times I almost killed myself. 100? 200? But all I ask, is that you understand. Depression and suicide aren't like diseases. They don't go away after time. They are deep depths of darkness, and loneliness. Depression is like a boulder of weight always on your back. Slowly hurting you. Day by day until you say enough, and it says no. It doesn't stop unless you make it.
Suicide isn't about killing yourself. It's about starting new, a clean slate. To forget your troubles, and finally drop the boulder. Some take the leap, and I really do envy them. Please just understand that I'm not trying to be selfish or hurtful. I just wanted that boulder to stop hurting me, to let me go. And this was the only way.
I love you, so please understand. I didn't do this to hurt you. I did this to stop everything from hurting.
Katie
There was still a heaviness to the envelope and he shook its contents onto his palm. Her rings, both her engagement ring and wedding band sat atop the palm of his hand and that was when he really lost it.
He bolted from the bed, crashing into the bathroom door. He turned the handle, which clicked. It's locked.
"Katie!" He yells, pushing against the door. He feels the wood bend, but it doesn't open. "KATIE! YOU OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" When she didn't answer he screamed, he tucked the rings in his pocket and he ran up against the door. He felt it rattle bit it didn't move.
He rammed himself up against it again, putting all his weight against the door. The door began to rattle again, and the center began to bulge slightly, but it doesn't break. He ran at it again and the handle looked as if it would pop out, and dust puffed out from the frame, but it still didn't break. He ran at it again once more and finally broke through. Ned slipped against on tile as he stepped in a water that was spilling out from the tub.
That's when he saw her. Katie, asleep. She was in the tub, water surrounding her, preparing to overtake her face. She laid unconscious, the water seeping into her.
He pulled her from the water seconds later and soaked himself as she laid against him. He felt for a pulse in the crook of her neck and once he found a small weak one he sobbed, pulling her into his arms. He saw the pill bottle near the tub and picked it up. He saw what I was and then looked down at her. He pulled on her eyelids and saw ho dilated they were. He pushed his fingers into the back of her throat, over and over again until she came to, vomiting over his legs and the floor, gasping for air. She laid back against him, sobbing into him as she slowly regained her breath, holding onto him.
"Katie?" He touched her face as she slumped against him. "Can you hear me?"
She rolled onto the floor and vomits again as he grabbed her robe from the floor where it had fallen off the broken door. He wrapped it around her as she sobbed, just glad to feel her alive in his arms.
"Why?" She whispered. "I wanted to be with him…" He felt her slump against him, no longer having the strength the fight off the pills still in her system and he grabbed his phone from his back pocket.
He was not going to lose her again. Not now, not ever.