What if I don't want to go

I can still hear her whispering in my ear. It's been a week since Alex was at my place but I can't shake the memory. I thought about going to red's, to see if she's working, to apologize. Again. I texted her like four times but she stays unresponsive. So I kept myself busy. With PoPi, yoga, reading and Netflix. The new PoPi store is doing well, I went for drinks with Polly last night and she immediately knew I was having my mind occupied by something entirely different.

"You're not even listening are you?" Polly asked me. When I didn't react she hit my shoulder and I snapped out of my thoughts.

"What? No I'm listening" I say guilty as ever.

"Yeah right, so when are you going to tell me what's going on with you? You've been distracted all week. Are you in a fight with Larry again?"

At first I didn't want to tell her, keep it as a secret like Alex told me to. To pretend like nothing happened. But I can't lie to Polly so I started talking.

"I saw Alex last week"

"Supercunt?" Polly asked surprised.

"Okay, never mind" I said irritated. I know Polly never liked Alex but she could at least hear me out.

"Okay, sorry Pipes. Tell me all about it. Where did you see her?"

"You know that new diner across the road from central park?"

"Red's new place? Off course, you couldn't shut up about it"

"Well apparently she works there as a barista"

"Okay.. so what happened" Polly got curious. I can almost hear the wheels of her head spinning.

"Well she was kind of an ass.. Then I was an ass and then we exchanged numbers and met up later that day. We were planning to go for drinks but I was wearing a skirt so I had to change because she rides a motorcycle. Then we ended up staying at my place and we kind of made out on my couch.." as I got to the end of my sentence I talked faster and softer. Hoping Polly would not hear it.

"WTF Piper! What were you thinking! Have you told Larry yet? You know you have to tell him right. She is such an asshole, she knows your still with Larry doesn't she?"

"I don't know" I said as I threw my hands in my hair. "I wasn't thinking I guess, she kissed me after I said something and I couldn't get myself to push her away. But it wasn't her fault entirely I have to acknowledge that"

"How was it not entirely her fault? Okay you should have declined but she started it, right?" she asked confused. I take a little too long with my answer and she puts her mom voice on "Piper answer me"

"Maybe I was a little too flirty.. Maybe I stared at her lips too long.. Maybe I immediately kissed her back and made it worse.." I say guilty as hell.

"Piper!" Polly exclaimed.

"I know, I know.. It was wrong of me to meet up with her. It just felt so good you know, I don't know what it is Pol. She just feels like home, I get drawn to her so easily"

"Is this really how you feel Pipes?" Polly sounded concerned.

"I don't know, I love Larry"

"But you don't feel like Larry is your home?" Polly looked me in the eyes, her voice full of understanding "Pipe, I know you and Larry have your issues and you don't really know what to feel anymore so if this is really how you feel about someone else… I think you should let him go. I mean, I hate supercunt but if she is where your heart really lies, I'm not going to bitch about that. Your feelings are more important than my vendetta against her. I want you to know that"

"I love you, you know that? I hate myself at the moment but I think your right, it's just that I really don't want to hurt him. He is already so insecure"

"How much do you think it's going to hurt him if you sleep with supercunt next time you see her?"

"I am not going to do that!" I exclaimed

"Yeah right" Polly smiled "If I know one thing about her is that she has a grip on you I didn't even know is even possible to have on a human being. I think you should break it off with Larry, he deserves more then this, you know it" she was talking with her soft genuine voice. "And pipes, I know your feelings for Alex have always frightened you, but take this advice. Go for it. Then you can finally see if it really is where your home is or just a crush that's not going away because you have never actually been with her".

"We'll see about the Alex part.. wait.. did you just say her name?" I am flabbergasted.

"Well if she is going to be your girlfriend I better start saying her name right" Polly joked.

"She is not! Or maybe she is.." I don't know anymore.

"Hey sweetheart" Larry said while kissing me on my cheek "how is your morning?"

Larry and I are at breakfast, we always do on Saturday morning. Discuss our week, talk about nonsense together. I really like talking nonsense with him but I have to be strong. No point in making this more difficult then it already is. I sat down and got real.

"I am breaking up with you" I blurted out. Shit. This is not how I wanted to break the news to him. But hey, at least it's out there.

He just sat there and blinked. "I don't.. I don't know what to say" he started. "why?"

"You know why Larry, we have been having issues for over two years now. I still feel like you don't trust me. And I have to be honest, I'm not in love with you anymore.. I have a lot of love for you, but I am not in love with you anymore. I'm so sorry" I started crying. "I really am, I want to be your girl, I really do. But I think you should find someone that's a better fit for you"

"But we are working on that, I am changing. And I do trust you" he says convinced. I still don't believe he actually does though. "What can I do more to make you stay?" he started crying.

"I'm sorry. This is my decision"

He walks off. I try chasing him but he was already disappeared between the people on the streets when I was outside.

Text to Polly: I did it Pol. It's over. I feel so empty.

Text from Polly: I'm proud of you Pipes, want me to come over? I'll bring tom and jerry.

Text to Polly: Thankyou but I think I'm okay. It stings but it was best for him. Now he can find someone to have his happy family with.

Text from Polly: Good, hit me up if you need someone xx

The entire day I have kept myself busy, reading, watching Netflix, redoing my nails, tidying my apartment. It's getting late and I decide to run a bath, to end the day of selfcare with some relaxing time. I throw some popi goods in it and my bathroom starts smelling like the forest during rain season. I love it. It's my ultimate relax time, as I undress myself I get a text. It's Alex.

From Alex: Why would we hang out again? We can't be platonic. I don't get you, flirting with me whilst having a boyfriend. You know the effect you have on me. I don't even know why I'm texting you right now. Whatever, I'm tipsy, stay away from me.

To Alex: I'm sorry, it was not my intention to lead you on. I won't do that again, I promise. I sorted my shit out like you told me to.

From Alex: Whatever.

From Alex: What did you sort out by the way?

To Alex: I want to be your friend again.

From Alex: We were never friends.

To Alex: I'm aware.

"Alexx!" I hear Nicky bursting through the door of my apartment. Lorna in her tracks. "Where is my favorite party animal?" Lorna probably gave her a look because it's followed by "Sorry sweetheart, second favorite"

"In the kitchen!" I am sitting in the kitchen on one of the barstools, nowhere near ready. Only wearing a big shirt and a thong.

"Girl, I know you like to be comfortable but I am not taking you out looking like a toddler who just got out of bed okay. Now get changed into something fancy while we drink some of your fine liquor, what are ya drinking?"

"Bourbon on the rocks, have at it. I'll be ready in fifteen."

"You better"

As I went to my room to get changed I thought I check the texts I got from Piper. I hadn't looked at them yet but she sent four so I'm getting curious. the alcohol doesn't help me in ignoring her and I start replying. Stupid.

"Nickols, what does this mean?" I walk over to Nicky and give her my phone. I got dressed in a Boudreaux red dress. Pinned my hair up and made my face. Put on a necklace and a wristband for a sophisticated finish. We are going to this fancy club so I thought I better look the part.

"You look beautiful Alex, what a pretty dress is that, I love it" Lorna complimented me.

"Thanks Lorna, you look beautiful too" I winked at her. Then I looked at Nicky again, who is reading the conversation of me and Piper.

"Well this is cryptic I give you that. Lorna baby, translate for our friend."

"It's easy" Lorna said "She sorted it out"

"Piper is the opposite of easy, she probably sorted it out by thinking she can have both" I tell her.

"Then ask for clarification"

"Nah, I'll pass this rollercoaster" I say as I pour myself another drink "you guys want a refill?"

"Yes please" Nicky looks at me concerned. "ey Vause, you know I don't like getting peoples hopes up and stuff.. but uhm.. you should see this.." she hands me my phone.

From Piper: I broke up with him..