A/N: I honestly love this story so much and I hope you all love it too :) Enjoy! xx Mariah
Mornings used to be Katie's her favorite. They are free of the dark and the nightmares that constantly threatened to consume her, but sometimes her nightmares takes advantage of the fleeting peaceful moments that daybreak awards.
Katie's head rests on a pillow, her body tangled in the sheets on their bed that always feel too big when the nightmares infiltrate her mind and the only comfort is the warm body of her husband. He is gone now. He had a doctor's appointment.
She watches the snow from the bed, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets. The big flakes glisten in the morning light. It is nearly eleven and she has yet to get out of bed, her bladder screams to be emptied but she can't summon the will to get up.
It is shaping up to be another bad day. The third one.
Ned had begged her to get out of bed this morning, to come with him while he went out. He'd suggested going to the store while he had his appoint. It was her third day she'd spent in bed.
She hates winter now, it reminds her of so many terrible times in her life.
Her mother miscarried when she was seven in the winter. She tripped and broke her ankle and was out of dancing for eight months with she was fifteen. Lana almost drowned when she fell into the pool at a hotel, while running around, last year. Grandma Beth died in the winter and then finally, Charlie's life was taken during the biggest flurry of snowflakes all year.
The nearly week long snowfall had finally broken her.
The first few days weren't too bad, she could leave the house and see her friends and family. But on the third night, a sheet of ice made it all but impossible to go out. The next day she stayed home all day and she had time to stew and dwell on all the pain winter had brought her over the years. That night she had the worst series of nightmares that she'd had in ages, even her husband's arms did little to bring her comfort.
Yesterday, she never left the room.
Ned made her favorite breakfast and would not leave until she'd eaten at least one waffle with a cup of tea. That night she dreamed of their son and Ned held her, trying to soothe her as best he could. Nothing had stopped her crying.
This morning hadn't gone nearly as well as the day before. When Ned tried to rouse her from bed there was no budging her. She could tell how frustrated he was with her when he'd left.
He deserves better. She knows she needs to get better for him. Be better for him.
Ned, for as much patience he has for Katie, couldn't stay and watch her sloth anymore. He is so sweet and always understanding of her, but even he has his limits.
She promises to herself that she will be out of bed by the time he gets home. She wants to give him that much. When her bladder is ready to burst, that combined with her promise to be up is enough to pull herself out of bed and go to the bathroom. When she is finished and washes her hands, she looks in the mirror and what she sees disgusts her.
Her hair is waxy, her skin oily, there are dark rings around her eyes and she's been in same oversized t-shirt and shorts for days. She backs away from the sink, her mind flashing back to that night as her eyes skims over the same pill bottle that sits on the counter. She remembers when she grabbed it that night and how badly her hand had been shaking. Her hand shakes as she grabs it again, it still had a few inside. She reads the label.
Doxepin - Take one capsule, by mouth, before bed. If still unable to sleep, take in moderation.
She sinks to the floor, holding the bottle in her hand. She brings her knees to her chest and lays her head on them.
"Katie?" The front door closes and she smiles, knowing that Ned is home. "Babe? You up?" She hears the stairs creak as he climbs them and the bedroom door opens. "Babe?"
He stalks into the room, seeing the bed empty.
"In here," she sighs, twisting the bottle in her hand.
"You're out of bed," he smiles, his eyes on the pill bottle. "You okay?"
She nods silently as he sits beside her. His hand touches hers as she spins the bottle in her hands. "I just saw it there," she mutters. "And I thought about that night…" She looks over at him, eyes filling with tears. "I didn't even know there were still some in there."
"I should've just thrown it away," he sighs, wiping away a fallen tear. "I'm sorry." He brings her hand with the bottle to his mouth, coaxing the bottle from her grasp and kissing her palm. "Would you like me to throw it away?"
She shakes her head, taking it back from him. "I want too," she tosses it into the garbage and smiles at him. "A step in the right direction, right?"
"Yes," he whispers, hugging her. "I love you."
She wraps her arms around his neck, kissing her cheek and then his neck. "I need a shower…" She whispers, pulling back a little. "Wanna shower with me?"
He chuckles as she moves to straddle him playfully, her arms around his neck and her lips sucking at his neck.
"You know how much I love to shower with you," he smiles at her, rubbing his hands up and down her sides . "But I have some paperwork I have to get done for work."
"Okay," she licks her lips, kissing him. "I was thinking… and I think it would be good if we went out tonight."
"Like a date?" His face breaks out in a grin and he kisses her. "I would love to take you out on a date."
"Well I better shower then for my hot date," she stands up then, pulling him up and claiming his lips. "Mmm…" His lips move to her cheek and then nip at her neck. "But I won't want to if you keep…" He sucks on her pulse point and she moans, rocking into him. "Ned…"
"Yes, yes…" He pulls back, winking at her. "You shower. I'll go ready all my stuff for work and change and we'll go out and have the day to ourselves."
Once he leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind him, she instantly pulls her shirt over her head and casts off her shorts and got into the shower, she sets it in the highest setting and let the hot water sting her flesh. She scrubs off the self pity and loathing as best she can.
She looks over her scarred body, her legs are long past due for a shave and some other areas had been neglected for some time due to having a stomach that covered her sight of her toes. She knows Ned hardly cares and that warms her heart to know that he loves her enough to deal with her in her worst of times.
When she gets out of the shower, she wraps a towel around herself, drying herself off. She brushes out her wet hair and blow dries it until it fell over her shoulders in waves. Going into the bedroom, she searches her drawer for Ned's favorite pair of her sexy underwear until she finally found the soft blue, lace cheeksters that she wouldn't wear as much if it isn't for the hungry look her husband gives her whenever she wears them.
Next, she strips the stale smelling sheets from the bed and replaces them with a fresh set. She lays out a grey sweater and jeans, putting them on and looking at herself in the mirror. She played with her hair, smoothing it out and over her shoulders. She looks more like herself and that is all she wants for herself right now. It was a step in the right direction after a few bad days.
She makes her way downstairs and to the kitchen. She is starving and can see that Ned had left her a loaf of raisin-nut bread on the island before he'd left this morning with a bowl of butter beside it. She cuts off a piece and slathers it with butter, trying to make up for what she didn't eat the day before. Just as she swallows the last bite and reaches for another piece, Ned comes downstairs. He is dressed in a blue button up and a pair of dark pleated pants.
"You look handsome," she smirks, licking the butter off her lips as she slathers more on another piece.
"And you look…" He comes around to where she was, wrapping his arms around her waist as he kisses her cheek. "So good baby." She feels his breath on her neck, then the tender brush of lips. Her perfume is intoxicating as he kisses his way gently up her neck to lips that taste like the icing on the cake. He pulls back and grabs himself a piece of bead, smoothing a tiny bit of butter on it. "You look like yourself… I've missed you."
"I've missed me too," she smiles at him, tossing the last bite of her second piece in her mouth.
His finishes his and wipes some butter off her lips before weaving his hand through her hair. He kisses her a moment later and as their became harder and more urgent he picks her up effortlessly. Ned places her on the counter as she wraps her legs around his waist. She pulls him closer to her, breathing in his pine scented body. His kisses are now on her shoulders as he pushes the neckline of her forgiving sweater over her shoulders, baring her skin to
"I've missed you too," she gasps as he pulls on her hips firmly and breaks her train of thoughts again. Her brain fizzes to nothing as he grappled with the buttons on the waist of her jeans and started to lower to his knees. He nearly had her free as a commotion at the front door stopped them at once. "Mmm keep going… just ignore it."
"Are you expecting someone?" He asks, his mouth pressing a wet kiss to her thigh as he slides her jeans to her knees, his mouth closing in on his target.
"No one," she keens as he presses a kiss to the fabric of her panties.
"Then I'm pretending we didn't hear anything…" He says, licking his lips as he realizes what pair she is wearing. "My favorite, what a nice touch." He whispers, using his teeth to pull them down. "I'll have to enjoy them a little later too."
There is a knock at the door now, followed by another. "Katie?" Her mother's voice comes through the door as she knocks again. "I know you're home. Your car's here." A moment of silence as Ned's mouth first touches her, his tongue lapping around her center. "So is Ned's."
Ned smiles sadly and stands up, kissing her. "This is my fault," he sighs. "She was worried that you hadn't called in a few days or anything. And she called me. I might've said she should stop by and talk… I didn't think you'd be out of bed today."
"I'm glad you did that…" She smiles at him. "I'm happy you're looking out for me," she smiles, kissing him. "Go let her in."
She hops off the counter then, pulling her jeans up and fastening them.
"Later?" He whispers as they both collect themselves.
"Yes," she kisses him as her mother knocks again and she rolls her eyes.
Their blushes are evident, but it isn't any use hiding that they are both up to no good. Her mother knows that.
She opens the door to reveal her mother, who is holding a baby carrier.
"You're up," Melinda comes in and Ned takes the baby carrier to the living room, pulling the blanket off top to reveal a sleeping Emma. Melinda hugs her daughter tightly, kissing her cheek. "You look really good."
"Thanks mom," she says softly. "It's amazing what a hot shower can do."
"I know the feeling," Melinda nods as they makes their way into the living room.
Ned had sit down after taking Emma from the carrier, propping her on his shoulder. She settles into him, sleeping soundly as his hand rubs up and down her back. Melinda smiles at him, touching his arm as she sits next to him.
"Hey Ned. How you doin?" Melinda touches Emma's cheek as she sleeps, looking to Ned a moment later.
"Good. I had my physical for work today and I think it went well." Ned explains. "But holding little Emma here made the day."
"She's a sweetheart, that's for sure." Katie hums, sitting next to her mother.
Melinda squeezes her daughter's thigh, smiling at her before side glancing to Ned. He takes the hint, standing up with Emma and walking into the kitchen.
"So do you want to talk about the past few days?" Her mother asks.
She sighs in reply, she knows that Eli encourages them to talk about her bad days. To work through them instead of bottling things up.
"The snow," she whispers. "It got to me."
"I figured," her mother replies, her hand grasping her daughter's. "I wish you would've called."
"I'm doing better. I threw the pill bottle out today," she says, looking over at her. "And Ned's taking me out so we can get out of the house. You know, like a normal couple."
Melinda laughs, kissing her hand. "That'll be good for you both." Her mother squeezes her hand, smiling at her. "Actually, if you're up to for it I have tickets to a comedy show tonight. I wanted to take your dad, but that was when my due date was in February."
Katie sighs, looking down at her feet. She'd messes everything up.
"I'm sorry that I put you under so much stress," she mutters. "I really am. I messed up everything."
"No baby," Melinda leveled her eyes with her. "Don't apologize. I know that you were going through so much and I wish I could've been there for you." The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down Melinda's cheeks. She watched the muscles of her mother's chin tremble like a small child and she looked away, holding back her own. "I feel like the worst mother in the world. You were hurting and I wasn't there. And it's my job, even though you are an adult, to be there."
"Mom," she whispers. "Nothing would've changed." Her hands come to cover her chest and she sighs, closing her eyes. "I hate this."
"What? What's wrong?" Melinda asks.
Katie sighs, removing her hands from her sweater. There are two wet spots on her sweater, from where she's lactated through. Her body hasn't completely gotten used to her not being pregnant yet. She still has breastmilk and as of now she's been helping Hannah out, who has struggled with breastfeeding once since she'd come home from the hospital and for a time had to feed Jace formula, but seeing has Katie no one to breastfeed she began to pump some of it for Hannah to give to Jace.
It is the least she could do. Even if he is eight months, it is good for him to get the nutrients.
"It sucks," she cries, feeling her mother wipe her tears away. "It happens a lot. Especially when anyone cries around me."
Melinda nods, knowing exactly how she feels. But Melinda knows it comes nowhere near how her daughter is actually feeling. Unlike her, it isn't just annoying. It is a reminder that she didn't have a child to feed her breastmilk to and that was the worst reminder of all.