A/N: People have some very strong feelings about potential Regina!baby in this fic, and I love that you guys have been so honest in your reviews! (Seriously, I do). To the anon who mentioned she's sick of Regina being the one pregnant and would rather it be Emma, I get it. I know people tend to go with Regina, so it'd be nice to see something different. So, I agree, but in this case, Emma wouldn't make sense because she's not unemployed (whereas Regina is), Emma has a limited amount of time in her performing career as a dancer before she'll be too old to do it, so she's not about to take a baby break, and Regina is 5 years older, so her bio clock is ticking more quickly. And to the others who said they're torn on a pregnancy/baby coming into play, I get that, too. I usually hate baby fics (IRL I'm not good with children bc I have zero experience and they terrify me. I've never had a maternal instinct toward anything that isn't fluffy with 4 legs), so I avoid reading baby fics, let alone writing them.
While I have the next few chapters planned out, I haven't decided for sure if a baby will actually happen. I have two different resolutions to that potential plot line in mind. If I do impregnate one of the two women in this fic, it would likely be the at the very end of the fic verse because I don't know how to write an actual baby into the fic permanently, nor do I really want to. I prefer not to deal with kids until they're at least 8 years old in both life and writing, so there's that haha. :P
Saturday, June 16th, 9:45p.m.
They arrived in Montréal late Saturday night, deciding to come back early since Regina wasn't required to attend the Sunday morning closing panel that year. They had planned to stay through Sunday evening to visit with Killian in Storybrooke once more before heading back, but the week had taken a toll on both women. Even Emma didn't have the energy to stay an extra day to see her best friend again, and instead she promised him she would come visit the following month while Regina went to her last planned convention of the summer in Seattle.
Despite reaching a tentative resolution after their midnight conversation about Regina starting to explore the artificial insemination process, there was still an underlying tension and general sense of unease between the women on top of an already contentious convention weekend. Although Regina hadn't voiced it, she truly was saddened by Emma's response to her declaration that she wanted to have a child. She understood, of course, that Emma didn't feel ready yet, and Emma had said that eventually she would want to have a child together, indicating that she was at least thinking about their future and was committed to her. But, Regina also knew that when two partners were in different places in the relationship, even when they loved each other immensely, it often created problems. And that thought terrified her. She just hoped they would be able to work through it, though she knew she couldn't just turn off her desire to be pregnant, nor could she force Emma to be ready to take on the responsibility of a child.
And despite Emma's assurances, Regina wasn't sure if it was realistic to think that they could continue to live together if she had a baby and Emma didn't want to be the child's other mother — she just didn't see how that could possibly work. Would that mean that she would have to hire a babysitter or nanny to watch the infant if she had to go to an audition, even if Emma was home? She couldn't just assume that her girlfriend would drop everything to care for a child that she didn't think of as hers. That thought had been on her mind nearly every moment since their conversation, and in no scenario that she concocted in her mind did she see that ending well. She knew it would likely mean Emma would have to move out, and then what? That was a step backward in their relationship, not forward. She was grappling with whether her desire to be pregnant and have a baby was worth the risk of losing Emma, and conversely, if Emma was worth potentially giving up her desire to carry a child herself. She didn't want to think about it, so she tried to ignore it.
Meanwhile, Emma had become stressed as well during the remainder of their time in Portland. She had been confined to the hotel for the remaining two days of the convention, as the one time she attempted to leave on Thursday morning to go explore, she had been rushed by Frozen Mirror fans outside the hotel entrance. Apparently, Regina's plea for people to respect her and Emma's privacy went ignored. Emma had promptly turned around and gone back inside, escorted by hotel security to keep the crowds back. Instead, she had spent her days binging reruns of The Golden Girls thanks to a marathon on a local TV station, and when her body began protesting the lack of dancing and movement from the previous few days, she made use of the hotel gym and pool to work out her anxiety and frustration.
Regina had come back to the room each night more stressed out than the previous due to Gold's constant antagonizing, the on-going gossip about her decision to leave the show and the things she had said about her relationships in that first panel, and the general large crowds of fans. She ordinarily loved meeting her fans, but that time it was just too overwhelming to keep up the happy, generous persona she was known for, and while she was no longer on Frozen Mirror, she still had to appease her fans so they would support her in her future work. With her future up in the air, she couldn't afford to let her irritation show and alienate the people who were largely responsible for her success.
For her part, Emma had done everything she could to support Regina, despite the unspoken tension between them. She had given her a long massage followed by a bubble bath in the large soaking tub one night, and the next night she offered to brave the crowds to go to the hidden karaoke bar they went to the previous year. Regina had declined, explaining that no one else from the show was going out that year — with half the cast not being asked to return and filming of the current season long since completed, things were awkward between everyone. In some ways, her castmates felt like strangers, the last two months of nothingness undoing the eight years they had spent together. Instead, the two women had ordered room service yet again and watched another movie, both falling asleep before 10pm.
It wasn't until Regina set her luggage down on the foyer floor of their apartment after getting home from the airport that she realized they hadn't even had sex the entire time they were gone. She counted back in her head and noted that it had been six, almost seven days, which was the longest they had ever gone when they were both physically in the same place. Sure, they had gone weeks without sex earlier in their relationship when they lived in different provinces, but whenever Regina had a break from filming and had been home for a few weeks, and since she had moved back to Montréal permanently, they had never gone more than two or three days at most. What was more troubling was that she didn't think Emma noticed, either.
"Emma," she called as she stood up and shrugged off the denim jacket she had been wearing, hanging it up in the hall closet.
"Yeah?" the blonde asked, walking out from their bedroom with a meowing Adagio in her arms.
Regina couldn't help but smile at the feline, who she had come to adore. "Glad to see Roland and Henry managed to keep her in good health while we were gone," she said, getting sidetracked. The boys loved the cat but weren't allowed pets of their own, so Regina had asked them (with Robin's supervision) to check in on Adagio while they were out of town, making sure the cat had food and water and a clean litter box.
"They did a very good job. She seems happy," she said, setting the tabby cat down on the ground.
Regina shook her head and refocused her train of thought. "Emma, do you realize we haven't had sex in almost a week?"
"What?" the blonde asked in shock. "That's not true."
"Isn't it, though?" she arched an eyebrow. "Think about it." Regina watched as Emma mentally thought back over the past week, trying to prove Regina wrong. But, Regina already knew that it had, indeed, been nearly a week. They had a quickie in the shower on Sunday morning before Emma had to leave for an audition she was helping Lily run for the studio's junior dance company, but they went straight to bed that night, needing to be on a 6am flight to Portland Monday morning. With the release of the video her mother had stolen and everything else that had happened, it completely slipped her mind. And sadly, it had been the one-year anniversary of the event when they met, so Regina had intended to make it special. She had even brought some new lingerie that was now buried at the bottom of her suitcase, completely untouched.
"Oh," Emma said in realization. "I…"
"Yeah," Regina sighed, moving to sit on the couch and resting her legs on the coffee table.
Emma groaned and sat down next to her. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Regina asked, looking over at her. "It's not your fault."
"I…I don't know. I guess it just seemed like the right thing to say? And it is my fault that I didn't initiate anything…I mean, how pathetic it is that I gave you a massage and we took a bubble bath, and yet I didn't make a move?"
Regina let out a sardonic chuckle. "It's extremely pathetic, but that's on both of us, not just you. And it's not like I was in a super sexy mood with everything that happened this week. We were both so drained, physically and mentally."
"Oh God…is this what people mean when they talk about 'lesbian bed death'?"
Regina couldn't help but laugh. "Emma, it's been six days, not six months. I don't think we're there yet."
"I know, but still. For us, that's a long time."
"It is…but it's clearly been a weird week," Regina said as she yawned. "Shit, I'm exhausted. I'm going to go unpack and go to bed."
"Okay. I'm starving, so I'm going to make something quick and then I'll be in," Emma said awkwardly. She wasn't sure if Regina was hinting at something given their topic of conversation, or if she truly just wanted to go to sleep. It concerned her that it seemed she could no longer read Regina well. Normally they communicated so clearly, but Emma was suddenly questioning everything.
"Sounds good," Regina said as she stood up to retrieve her suitcase from the foyer, stifling another yawn as she did so.
*.*.*
"You're still up," Emma commented as she walked into their bedroom a half hour later. The room was dark, aside from the light coming from the screen of Regina's iPhone. The brunette was half-heartedly scrolling through something on the device. "The way you kept yawning I expected you to be passed out by now," she said as she walked into the walk-in closet to toss her clothes into the hamper. She returned moments later wearing one of her old dance company t-shirts and a tiny pair of Hello Kitty pajama shorts.
"So did I," Regina said as Emma climbed into bed. "But I couldn't sleep."
Emma couldn't help but see what was on her girlfriend's phone screen. "Regina…" she warned, seeing the thumbnail video of the video Cora had stolen and the banner displaying the gossip blog's logo. "You're going to drive yourself crazy. And don't give them the satisfaction of increasing the number of views their page gets."
She sighed and put the phone to sleep, tossing it on the nightstand next to her. "I know," she quietly replied. "I just still can't believe my mother would do that to me. Or that Gold would do that."
"I know," Emma agreed. "But you really did handle it well, Regina. I'm proud of you for what you said in that panel. And I think your fans are, too."
"Thanks," she mumbled as she used her finger to wipe a few tears of frustration that had started to make their presence known. "But it doesn't change the fact that I'm fucking pissed. I never should have agreed to go back to New England Comic-Con this year…not with Gold being there. It was my last real convention as part of Frozen Mirror, and it should have been a celebration. Instead, it was a giant clusterfuck of a shitshow. I'm just so angry that this is how it ended for me," she vented.
Emma wasn't sure what to say to help Regina feel better, so she just shifted closer to her and reached for her hand, pulling the brunette a little closer. Emma wanted to leave it up to Regina to decide if she wanted space or if she needed to be comforted.
"I mean, I know I still have the Seattle con in July," Regina continued, "but that's a one-off small convention and I'm the only one from the cast going, so it's not the same thing." Regina wrapped her arm around Emma, resting her head on her chest. "And, this is the first time in nearly nine years that I haven't had a job, or at least something lined up. I literally don't know what I'm going to do next."
There it is, Emma thought to herself. She knew the reality of the situation would eventually sink in and that Regina would panic. Regina was very Type A and organized, and Emma knew that Regina hated not having a plan. Emma had tried to prepare herself for it and rehearse what she should say, but now that it was happening, she wasn't sure what to do. She could feel Regina's tears soaking through her t-shirt, so she wrapped her arms around Regina a little tighter, leaning down to kiss the top of her head.
Regina quickly interrupted Emma's thoughts as her anxiety-induced rambling went on. "And it's not like I'm worried about money at all, because I was smart about my Frozen Mirror earnings and could pretty much live on that and residuals for the rest of my life if I wanted to. But I hate being bored. I have nothing planned out, and that bastard Gold deliberately made me miss pilot season, so like, should I just go audition for local plays here in Montréal now or teaching acting classes at the community theater to bide my time until the next thing comes along? Fuck."
Emma could feel, more than hear, Regina's quiet sobs, her petite body shaking as she cried into Emma's shirt. She also noticed that Regina didn't mention anything about having a baby, which just a few days before had been her plan for her impending period of unemployment. Emma figured that either Regina was starting to have second thoughts about it, that maybe she was only seriously considering it because she didn't have anything planned for the next year, or that Regina was afraid to bring it up again, knowing how Emma felt. Emma assumed it was the latter, which frustrated her. She wanted Regina to feel like she could talk openly about everything, even when they weren't in agreement. She decided not to bring that up in that moment, pushing aside her own anxieties about that topic, and instead tried to remember all the things she had wanted to tell Regina when she had prepared for Regina's inevitable breakdown. "Regina," she started. "You are brilliant. If you want to do local theater, you totally can, but you don't need to. You've proven that you have an amazing eye for directing and editing, so you could explore that. You could write. You could start your own production company or talk with the various studios that have offices here about potential projects to get involved in. And just because you missed pilot season doesn't mean you have to sit out the whole season. You can still submit for guest roles on existing shows."
"No," Regina shook her head. "I've worked too hard to go back to being a serial guest actor playing Dead Hooker Number Two on all the Law and Order franchises."
Emma softly chuckled. "I didn't mean playing a dead hooker. There are plenty of shows that hire well-known actors to come in for guest starring roles. You could be the opposing counsel rather than a murder victim. Or the aunt who comes in for a special event on a sitcom. Or a world-renowned trauma surgeon to help with a major case for a three-episode arc on Grey's."
"No one is exactly beating down my door to offer me those roles, Emma," Regina replied, sniffing back some of her tears.
"Not yet, but you haven't auditioned for anything yet. Have you talked to your agent about what you might want to do next?"
"Briefly. She's thrown my name out there for some stuff, but I haven't heard back from her yet. I'm starting to worry that playing the Queen of the Damned for eight years may have relegated me to a character actor. And I haven't received anything in terms of scripts or sides, aside from some screenplays fans wrote that they want me to bankroll and star in, which I'm obviously not going to do."
"Isn't it a little early for guest starring stuff anyway for next season?" Emma asked. "Everything's on hiatus right now."
"Yeah. Some of the early episodes will already be cast, but it'll pick up in August for the rest."
"See? You've got time."
"Maybe. I still don't like not knowing what the fuck I'm doing, though. I still can't believe they essentially fired me. I mean, I know I quit and it was my decision, but they were going to fire me, so I didn't really have a choice."
Emma felt Regina start to relax a bit against her chest, her harsh sobs reduced to barely-noticeable tremors. The blonde continued to cradle Regina's small body until the brunette finally cried herself to sleep. Emma had grown exhausted, too, after the week they had and their conversation. Emma's last thought before she drifted to sleep was that she hoped that Regina wasn't having second thoughts about quitting the show for their relationship and that they would be able to make it through the challenges that were clearly quickly emerging.
A/N: Okay, finally done with the uberchapter! And, yeah, there's some potential drama brewing (but this fic has been super fluffy, so it needed a little conflict). Hmm...
The next chapter is already written, but it might be 1-2 weeks before it gets posted. I have some other fics to start working on writing, I owe an update to H4H/Moments in Time, and I have finals coming up (both for my phd and for the classes I teach), so I don't want to post this too early.
Oh! And per some suggestions from readers, I joined FB and the SQ fanfic group. Feel free to find me on there. You can search me via the group, or you can try going directly to my page by adding katrina. decker. 100 (but without spaces after the periods) after the typical facebook URL. (And yes, Katrina is my full name, though I go by Kate on here, and Decker is actually quite close to my real last name. Just another reason why I've always loved Swingtown). I also created a writing twitter, though I don't know how often I'll use it: KatDeckerWrites is the handle.