A/N: Alright, here it is! I hope you like it! I always thought that Hadriana was pretty in a really sinister sort of way, and when I got to thinking about her I thought about where she came from, yadda-yadda, and in the end, this was my answer. I have another story where Hawke actually is her biological sister, but it is really dark. And for some reason, Fenris seems really out of character to me in this chapter, so I hope you can forgive me. Anyway, read on!

If there was anything that Hawke would take with her from the Imperium it would be the smell. She was often blindfolded, seeing as her sight (although hearing came into play quite frequently) was her greatest weapon when she had no blade. Her reflexes were incredible, she did not need the brute strength of a kossith when she had the cunning of a human. She was quick, adept at dodge-and-counter. In fact, Hawke never struck first, she waited for her opponent. If her opponent tried to wait for her, she always outlasted, such was the way of the Qunari. Perseverance. Stamina. Victory. For this to work, for Hawke to be the nearly unbeatable foe in single combat that she was, she needed her eyes. So Varnard took them.

Hawke had spent most of her days in darkness, and in the end the only thing she clearly remembered from the days of her imprisonment was the smell. She could hear the loud hum of unintelligible voices anywhere. She could feel the cold stone of her cell any time she walked outside. She could taste a man forcing himself into her mouth if she so wished to seek it out. But the smell. The smell would never come from anywhere but the Imperium. It was a harsh scent, thick with blood and failure and demons. It was laced with defiance and suffering. It was stitched with the cruel threads of arrogance. It was something she would never forget.

The group trudged from the ambush site to the slaver den in mute silence. They all watched Hawke's stride with a manner of intensity. Anyone could have figured out that Hawke had lied, but she still stood firm in her stance. "It is nothing."

"Nothing, my ass." Isabela voiced her thought, finally, when they stopped outside the den. She was not going in there without knowing why her constant companion, her only true friend, was spiraling into a pit of despair. Varric saw her as determined, because, in truth, to anyone else that is exactly what it would have looked like. Fenris saw her in a light of confusion, and he was not far from the reality of the situation, but it was Isabela's observation that hit spot on.

Hawke clenched her jaw and the joints in her fingers, so that they looked more like claws. She stood stock-still. She just stared at Isabela.

"We're not going in there until you tell me what's going on, Hawke." Isabela stated, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well," The sarcastic tone of the true Hawke resurfaced, "we're going to walk into that cavern, kill a whole bunch of nasty-ass slavers, and then we're going to walk out. Does that explain what's going on?"

"Ugh! You are impossible, Hawke! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong? Something is obviously bothering you, you never act like this." Isabela said as Varric and Fenris watched their argument in mute silence. They were starting to understand that something actually was wrong, not because Isabela said it was, but because she and Hawke were arguing. The last time she and Hawke argued (in public, anyway) Hawke had thrown things, stormed out, and stolen a substantial amount of wine from Fenris's cellar. Not to mention the ton of sex she had with him.

"No, you are impossible, Isabela! I said it is nothing, so leave it the fuck alone!" Hawke shouted.

"No! I know you, Hawke, you are struggling with some sort of demon in that head of yours and you need help. You haven't been like this since you had to kill Bethany!"

Varric and Isabela knew how Bethany had died, but Fenris was struck with a sudden flash of sympathy. "She was Kadan..." Hawke did not speak of her often, but when she did it was obvious that she cared about her, and to have to kill your own Kadan... Fenris understood the severity of it, perhaps more than either Varric or Isabela did.

"Shok ebasit hissra. Maraas shokra. There is nothing for me to struggle against, Isabela." Hawke said through her teeth.

"Stop being so cryptic! Can't you just tell me?" Isabela pleaded.

Upon seeing how Hawke struggled to find her next words, Fenris spoke on her behalf, "She means that whatever it is no longer exists, or didn't in the first place. At best it is only a memory, there is nothing she can tell you." He and Hawke shared a moment of mutual appreciation, a silent thank you on Hawke's part. But Hawke's fight to find words had sparked another painful memory.

"You are nothing, and you will do as I command you to!" A burly man yelled as he slammed a young mage into the wall of a narrow corridor. Attacking her would not be his last mistake, but assuming that Arvaarad would just stand by and watch was. She had no weapon and the man was heavily armored, but he was also distracted by the buckles on his own fauld. It took her only seconds to formulate the only successful plan. She couldn't run straight at him, she couldn't just walk up behind him, in both situations she would be easily flung off for lack of leverage and hold, so she used the short width of the hallway against him.

Her speed and his distraction made it work, in two strides she jumped for the opposing wall, propelling herself off of it to land on his back. She wrapped her legs around his waist and tried to find purchase around his neck, but he threw himself backwards and she was crushed against the wall. Arvaarad was strong though, she would be bruised, but she would not be stopped. In nearly the same moment her hands found what they sought and his neck was snapped in single, swift motion. He fell to the ground and Arvaarad slowly wiped the blood that she had coughed up off her mouth.

"You, you just, killed him." The mage spoke in both horror and reverence, rushing forward to hug Arvaarad, which, in this case, she allowed. Arvaarad even did what she had seen Bethany do, she hugged back. It was a rough hug, she had no idea how it actually worked, and when the mage pulled away, sobbing, she was even less sure. "Thank you, you have no idea what this means to me, that you would..." More sobbing, "What- what is your name? I don't even know who you are."

Arvaarad was almost completely unaware of what she had said, the only word she understood was 'name', because it was always the first thing anyone asked her. She had no time to answer though.

"Her name is Arvaarad. She is an ignorant fool who doesn't understand the simplest of words, and she is in a lot of trouble. As are you." Varnard spoke during his entrance from around the nearby corner. He was a ghastly shade of white and his eyes sunk into his skull. His hair was thin and slicked back, his robes hung off his shriveling frame, but he was strong. His magic was strong.

The girls stood still, one out of fear, the other was simply waiting. Arvaarad knew she was in trouble, she knew what awaited her in a dark dungeon cell far away from anyone who cared enough to hear her. "Come." Varnard spoke, one of the few commands she understood, but both girls followed. Arvaarad would not have someone else take her punishment, she held her arm out to halt the younger mage's advance.

"No." She said, and Varnard's face twisted in rage.

"No?" He questioned, "You dare tell me no?"

"I..." Arvaarad struggled to find the correct word, she not express herself in the Qunari tongue, "take..."

"Well, spit it out then!" Varnard said with a hefty amount of mocking laughter.

"Place." Arvaarad finished her thought, "I take place."

"You can't!" The other girl frantically whispered, "You don't have to-"

"Calm." Arvaarad repeated something Bethany often told her, placing her hands on the girl's shoulders, "Calm."

"No, you don't need to do this for me, I can-"

"Shut up, girl, she's made her choice. The Qunari are a people of their word, you know." And Varnard laughed again, a sickening noise that would forever resonate in Arvaarad's memory. As the two left, leaving the girl with the corpse of her attacker, Varnard turned to tell her "You have made a powerful ally, Hadriana, powerful and stupid."

While they fought through the den everyone noticed Hawke's lack of luster. She loved killing slavers, but her heart wasn't in it this time. It was Fenris that pulled her aside while Varric and Isabela looted the bodies of the fallen. They stared at each other for a long moment, Fenris had never seen her like this, and he hated it. It wasn't until he saw her like this, beaten down by an unknown assailant, that he realized how much he cared about her. As amazing as the sex had been, it was not the highlight of their relationship. It was all of the long talks they had had, it was the way he felt comfortable around her, it was their unspoken vow to protect each other in the heat of battle. They understood each other, they knew what the other had been through and they accepted it. They had shared things with each other that no one else knew. In the months before their night together one week ago (the last night they had actually talked to each other before today) they had grown close. Fenris and Hawke felt the exact same way about each other, but neither would risk the valuable companionship they had in search of something like love.

Perhaps that was why Hawke was really so upset, it was only a name, after all. But it brought back memories of things she had never shared with anyone, things she should have shared with someone. He wouldn't understand. That's what she told herself, that he wouldn't ever understand. There's no way he could. Hadriana was a mage, that's all he would see. That's what she should have seen. Hawke had never purposely betrayed anyone she cared about this much, but this felt like a betrayal. She had to say something, she had to at least tell Fenris why. How though? How could she explain in such little time why something so simple had destroyed her? What words could she possibly use?

"What is it, Hawke? You are a logical woman, why is something that is no longer around bothering you so?" Fenris asked in a low voice of concern.

She couldn't think of what to say, she didn't know how to explain it. It couldn't be. There was no way. So she blurted her question, unaware of the obvious reaction it would cause. "What does she look like?"

"What?" Fenris asked, an anger slowly boiling inside him.

"What does, Hadriana, look like?" She repeated, struggling with her name. Before Fenris could answer Isabela and Varric made their timely appearance at Hawke's side.

"All done!" Isabela announced, "That poor girl there though," she pointed to a blond elf who lay dead on the floor, "can't of died more than a few minutes ago, it's too bad we didn't get here in time."

"Uh, Isabela," Varric warned, "I think we should step back, Fenris is glowing again."

"Why, Hawke? Why the hell does it matter what she looks like! You will see what she looks like when she is dead." Fenris shouted.

Hawke just stared at the floor, staring had been a far too common occurrence with her today.

"Yes, Hawke," Isabela had not heeded Varric's advice, "why does it matter what she looks like? It's not like you kno-oh, shit!" She put it all together with a loud flourish, her words melding together.

"Shit what?" Varric asked, Fenris was too dumbstruck to speak.

"You- Her-" Isabela puzzled, "Maker, I knew I had heard that name somewhere! If this is... Oh, your life fucking sucks, Hawke."

"Yeah, you're telling me." Hawke muttered.

"Will one of you explain what you're talking about? Now." Fenris commanded.

"Oh no, this is a shit-storm I want no part of." Isabela stepped back.

"Hawke?" Fenris turned to her, a rather accusatory look on his face.

"As I have said, it is nothing. She is dead. It is not possible." Hawke sneered at him.

"No? It's not? Since when has death stopped mages? Do you or do you not know Hadriana?" Fenris questioned.

"I knew a Hadriana, not this monster. My Hadriana wouldn't do, this." Hawke's voice cracked and what was almost a tear formed in the corner of her eye. There was something about 'my' Hadriana that did not sit well with Fenris. Hawke reformed herself as quickly as she had almost fallen apart. She stood tall again and her features showed nothing. Isabela and Varric remained silent, both of their faces stained with an odd form of sympathy.

"How many Hadriana's do you think there are?" Fenris asked in a fit of rage, "I do not know what she means to you, but if you're going to stop me from killing her, tell me now. You will not get in my way!" He knew it was not in his best interest to threaten her, but he meant it. He knew that if she and Hadriana stood together, even with Varric and Isabela they would be utterly doomed.

The silence that followed was as tense as her confrontation with the Arishok, but Hawke's expression was not the same. It looked like she had just stopped caring, or maybe she was trying to fix something in her own head, trying to decide. By this point she was aware of the very distinct possibility that this was Hadriana. When she and Bethany had left that day, Hadriana was beyond help, there was nothing they could do, so they ran. When they circled back days later to try and find Leandra and the boy, her body was gone. They had assumed that the hunters had took it, as proof that they had gotten at least one of the fugitives, but now a hundred 'what-if's ran through Hawke's head. She couldn't do this, Hawke couldn't handle this, but there was no choice, and she knew exactly what had to happen.

"I trust you," she said, never looking him in the eye, "if this is Hadriana and you say she's done these things, then she has. You have no reason to lie to me. She has to die."

Fenris couldn't say anything, there was nothing to say. All the emotion had drained from Hawke's voice, from her face. It saddened him (and the others, of course) to no end. He wanted to do something, anything to make her feel better, but it wasn't the time, and he was sane enough to know that she wouldn't be back to normal until she had confronted her past. He had become so attached to her in the few months that they had known each other, and his emotions were moving too quickly for his comfort, but he knew it was right.

Fenris's thoughts consumed him as they made their way to the final battle. He was furious, confused, why didn't she ever tell him? They told each other everything. Why not something like this? Her name had never come up, there was no mention of her at all, like Hawke had purposely blocked him from it, which she had. He couldn't understand it, he couldn't understand her. He had said that before though, right? No one really understood Hawke. There was only one other thing that she had never clarified to him, and now he had this sinking feeling that the two were the same. Hawke had said she was dead, but what else could it possibly be? Whatever she was looking for, it was important, definitely important enough to upset her like this. She had promised Bethany that she would find it, and 'the other mage' was the only thing they really had in common outside of slavery. It had to be Hadriana, there was no other explanation. How else could she have known her? Qunari? No, there was no way, but, how could the evil bitch of a woman that he knew ever have been anything but evil? Fenris had assumed that she had always been Danarius' apprentice, but, thinking about it now, he never really knew. How, though? Hawke would have never stayed anywhere near someone so twisted and wrong on purpose. What could have possibly happened to change someone that much?

They turned the corner and Hawke's fear became reality. She stood there, encased in an impenetrable field of magic, completely immune to attack. It was her greatest strength, she could hold that field far, far longer than the mere seconds that other mages managed. Hadriana was not what Hawke remembered, her once gorgeous face had lost it's shine, she wore a permanent scowl, and evil pulsed from her. "Somehow... somehow I knew it that it would be you who found me, Arvaarad."

It had been a long day, everyone was tired from all their work. Well, most everyone, it was almost impossible to wear Arvaarad out. Malcom and Leandra had gone to sleep already and Bethany was off tending to some child. Arvaarad sat on the edge of her bed, finally finished removing her armor for the day when Hadriana stepped in. The Qunari motioned for her to come sit with her, and she did. They smiled at each other, finding words to be superfluous. By now Arvaarad understood, but still did not speak.

It was several long minutes before Hadriana spoke, but they were not awkward, they were perfect, simple. "I... I never got to thank you. For everything." Hadriana reached out her hand to touch Arvaarad's hair, slowly running her fingers down the length of it. Arvaard was confused, very much so, even. "You saved me, cared for me, always. I am sorry that you-" Hadriana's voice cracked in a short sob, "I am sorry you were hurt so badly for me."

Arvaarad turned solemn and she reached for Hadriana, mimicking her gesture, "No." She simply stated, unable to convey the many things she wanted to say, but after all their time together this one word said more to Hadriana than anything else ever could. She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Arvaarad's forehead. They smiled at each other again.

"Arvaarad, I care a great deal about you... Do you, do you understand what love is?" Hadriana asked in an unusually quiet voice. Arvaarad thought for a moment.

"Bethany... Malcom?" She asked.

"No, more like... Malcom and Leandra." Hadriana explained.

Arvaarad thought again, far longer now than she had prior. She thought until her mouth twisted for the very first time into a devious smile that would one day be a trademark of her very being. Arvaarad grabbed Hadriana with one hand behind her head, the other arm wrapped around her wast, and she kissed her. It was quickly returned, and from then on, the two were nearly inseparable.

Yes, Arvaarad protected Bethany, but she loved Hadriana.

Hawke didn't even flinch, her stomach sunk and she felt sick, her mind reeled because she knew that in a matter of minutes everyone would know everything, but she didn't flinch. She didn't show anything. She just wanted to know why, and how. Hadriana strode forward and Fenris drew his blade to charge her, ready for this to be over.

"No." Hawke said, raising her hand to stop him, "As long as that field is up she's untouchable, don't waste your strength."

Hadriana sneered at him, at how easily he was tamed, but did not speak to him. "I see you've finally mastered the language, the last time I saw you you'd speak no more than three words at a time." She was only a few feet away.

Hawke's voice was slow and steady, it was not Hawke's voice, it was the voice of Arvaarad, "Time has changed both of us."

Hadriana scoffed at her, "So it has. You even took her name."

"Hawke, why are you talking to her, we wait and we atta-" Fenris started.

"Oh shut it, Fenris," Isabela said, "this has to happen, and besides, the more magic she uses on that shield the less she has to attack us with." Fenris just snorted his agreement.

"At least you travel in smart company." Hadriana said, shaking her head.

"What is it you want, Hadriana?" Hawke asked.

"That's all you have to say? 7 years apart and you only ask me what I want?" Hadriana's voice was angry and jilted. Hawke did not speak. She waited. She persevered. "You would be nothing without me!" Hadriana shrieked. The didn't take their eyes off each other, Hadriana's face was wrought with emotion, but Hawke remained reserved and she refused to speak. "You finally have the power to speak and you say nothing! You my as well still be in Varnard's dungeon waiting for the next man to take his turn with you! I killed him, for you, and you still act like a slave."

Each of Hawke's companions shook with a distinctly different kind of rage.

'Why does this bitch have to dredge up the past?'

'I hate men.'

'She is no slave!'

But none of them said anything, they were smart enough to know that this was Hawke's battle, a battle that Hawke currently seemed unable to fight.

Years and years of anger and frustration boiled over within Hadriana, "Everything I did, I did for you! But the only person you ever fought for was Bethany! Bethany and her whole damn family! I killed Varnard, it was me, but all I ever heard was Arvaarad this and Arvaarad that! Just because you showed up with a giant, gaping hole in your side! I could have helped you, but you didn't say anything, you never fucking said anything!"

"Because she couldn't!" Isabela finally piped in, and was consequently flung into the wall with a blast of magic. Varric hurried to her side, but Hawke still didn't move, she didn't speak. It was like she didn't care, but that was not the case, she was furious with Hadriana for the things she was saying, there was simply nothing she could say, not quite yet.

"Why?" Hadriana asked, "Just... why was it always her over me? Why did you always protect Bethany, but not me! I needed you!" Her face broke into a sob and Fenris couldn't help but stare. He had never even considered that Hadriana had a life before Danarius, especially not one like this. She had been slave? She knew what they faced, she had felt it, and she still did all the things she did. How twisted and fucked in the head did you have to be to do that? What turned her? Magic. He blamed it on magic and hated her no less.

Hawke had planned to stay quiet, but she couldn't, "No! No, you did not need me! I protected Bethany because she was weak. You could protect yourself!"

"Then is that why you left me half-dead in a pool of my own blood! Because I could protect myself?" Hadriana's words were littered with tears.

"You were gone. There was nothing we could do!" Hawke's words finally showed her emotion, she was finally Hawke again.

"You came back to find Leandra and that child, I know you did, when you saw that the boy's body was no where to be found, why didn't you see that my body was gone? What did you think happened to me, did you ever even consider what became of me?" She managed to shout through her sobs.

"Of course I did." Hawke said through a clenched jaw, "I just didn't think it would be this."

"How else was I supposed to stay alive! How could I say no to him when he offered me life? I had no choice." Fenris's face twisted into further disgust at Hadriana's words.

"But you did. You were strong enough to escape, I know you were. The things you've done... Why? Why, Hadriana? This, this is what happened to us." Hawke's eyes betrayed a single tear.

"I already told you, everything I've done, I've done for you!" Hawke's face contorted in such abject horror that she couldn't even speak, so Hadriana continued, "I stayed alive so my Arvaarad could rescue me again, but you spent your years looking for that damned urchin child! Why was that bastard so damn important?" She shouted, and Hawke's horror quickly morphed to rage.

"Malcom! His name was Malcom! And he was Bethany's son."

"Holy shit, Hawke." Isabela spoke again, this time without the repercussions, Hadriana was still trying to figure out the validity of what Arvaarad had said. "That's what- who you've been looking for! Why couldn't you tell me?"

"Because it is more than likely that he is dead."

Hadriana's face changed from the wreck that she had just been to the cold, cruel woman she had become. "He's not, because Danarius found him first. He's safe, training, he takes after his bitch of a mother."

There was no way to describe the combination of raw, unbridled emotion that played across Hawke's face, and she was lost in thought. She didn't think about how Hadriana could have done such a thing, she didn't think about all the time she had wasted, she didn't even think about whether or not she would storm Minrathous to save him, because she knew she would. What she thought about was whether or not he was worth saving. If the Imperium had done this to Hadriana, what terrors could it have wrought on a child? How much of that sweet, innocent boy had been lost? She was so lost in herself that she didn't comprehend Varric speaking, "Your sister is a piece of work, Hawke."

This made Hadriana angrier than anything had, and she shouted her opinion on it, "Sister! You told them I was your sister? No, Bethany was your sister, I was your lover."

"What!" Fenris shouted back, looking to Hawke for an answer, but she retained her blank look, she had had no doubt that this was going to come up. She didn't regret it, but she didn't want to explain it.

Luckily, she was not given the opportunity. Hadriana stepped as close to Hawke as her shield would allow. "I loved you, Arvaarad, I always loved you, and you loved me." She spoke in low voice, Fenris was close enough to hear her clearly, but it was only a whisper to Varric and Isabela. Hadriana searched her features for an answer, but could not find one, so she continued, "We could have had everything. We still can! Malcom is safe and well, you don't have to fight for him anymore. Just, forget about these people, about this life, we can finally be happy." She pleaded.

"What are you waiting for, Hawke?" Fenris argued, "Tell her no!" But Hawke didn't. Hawke listened. Hawke thought. Hawke hesitated. She glanced up at Hadriana, and for her, coming from Arvaarad, that was as good as a yes.

Hadriana enveloped Hawke in her field of magic, shielded from her companions, and stepped forward to cradle Hawke's head in her hands. And worse, Hawke didn't stop her. The room was sickeningly silent as she spoke in a slow, sweet voice, "We can be queens. I love you, Arvaarad, don't let them kill me, we are strong enough to stop them. Stay with me." And then it was quiet again, only the hum of fading magic to comfort those who waited for Hawke's reply.

"I love you, Hadriana, I never stopped looking for you." Hawke took the time to carefully enunciate each word, "I knew that whoever took Malcom had you, that's the only reason I kept looking for him. I cannot kill you." Hadriana's face lit up in triumph, and all was silent for quite some time, leaving the group with only their thoughts.

'Why Hawke? You know what she's done. You know how evil she is. She's not whoever you used to know. At least if you're going to do this, let us go. There's no reason for everyone to die. I know my brother got Bethany killed, but you still have us.'

'You aren't doing this! I won't let you! We haven't stayed together this long just for you to throw it away! You're my only real friend, Hawke, you can't...'

'No! How you can you do this to me? We had something, something better than I've ever had, you can't leave me for her!'

Hawke leaned in and kissed Hadriana, and the rest of them almost vomited right there. She held herself there for a long moment, and Fenris couldn't help but notice the similarity between this and the first 'kiss' they had shared, even it was just a drunken accident. She pulled back and touched Hadriana's hair, a throwback to the first night they had truly been together, and as her shield finally collapsed Hawke said with such a venom that the words alone could have killed her, "But I will not stop them."

And Hawke turned, walked away, and left the shell that was once Hadriana to her fate.

Hawke sat on low rock outside, but it was quite some time before anyone came out of the cavern. The first was Fenris, of course, and he just glared at her, so confused and angry that he knew it was best not to speak, and he left. Varric and Isabela came shortly after and for the first time since Bethany had died, Isabela hugged her, it was one-sided, of course, but it was still what Hawke needed. "I'm sorry, Hawke."

"Don't be, I already told you. Not all bad people are mages, but all mages are bad people." And Isabela didn't argue with her, not this time.

"Do you... want to bury her or something?" The ever-considerate Varric asked.

"No. I buried my memory of her 7 years ago, that thing was not Hadriana."

A/N: The next chapter will deal with the aftermath, and it will contain make-up sex, I promise. Anyway, this was a really emotional chapter to write and I hope I conveyed it well, tell me how I did! I had a couple different ideas for this in my head, one where Hawke really did turn on them (but only via blood magic) and in Fenris's quest to kill Danarius he frees her, finds out it wasn't real, so on and so on. Then there was that Hadriana tried to use blood magic, but before that last line Hawke fought it off. In then end I decided on this though, because Hawke would have really meant it, although, some of it was definitely stalling until Hadriana ran out of magic. Anyway, reviews are love!

Edit: I've had a few people message me about Fenris letting Hawke off the hook too easily, I promise, that isn't going to happen, there will be plenty of drama before the smut.