A/N: I generally dislike specific trigger warnings appearing on chapters when I'm reading because I don't like to know what's going to happen in the chapter and have it spoil it, but I know many people need them, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Out of respect to readers I am going to put one on here just in case. (And since it's clear at the very start of the chapter, it's not overly spoiler-y for those who wouldn't want a warning).
TW: fertility discussions.
Monday, September 17, 3:25pm
"I can't believe this isn't going to happen for me," Regina cried into Emma's shoulder as they cuddled on the couch. They had arrived home from the fertility clinic a few minutes earlier, where they had received the news neither woman wanted to hear. While Robin's extracted sperm sample had been "good enough" to serve the required purposes, the egg retrieval process for Regina had not gone according to plan. Despite the initial hormone tests indicating that she was likely fertile, it seemed as though Regina wouldn't be able to produce the quality of eggs needed for the process. Even with the pre-IVF drugs to stimulate the release of extra eggs during her cycle, they were only able to obtain five potentially viable eggs, compared to the 10 or 15 they had expected. When the doctors then fertilized those five with Robin's sample, none of the embryos resulted in the quality needed for the transfer portion of the IVF process. Her physician explained that they could try again, but given that Regina was otherwise exceptionally healthy, and therefore there likely wasn't an underlying nutritional or stress-related cause that would be reversible, the most likely explanation was that her eggs were not going to be capable of creating a child. He had offered to discuss options with the women, but Regina was too heartbroken to hear anything more at the moment, so they had left his office.
"I know, babe," Emma said, a tear of her own silently running down her cheeks as she cradled her girlfriend in her arms. "But, it doesn't mean we can't start a family together. There are other ways…" Emma started. She was about to add 'I can always try in a few years', but decided to let those words remain unsaid, as she was concerned that might upset Regina more. She knew Regina was devastated, and she worried that mentioning her own fertility might be rubbing salt on the wound.
"I know, but God, I wanted to have that experience of being pregnant, you know? I know I never really thought about it or wanted it until recently, but once I did, I wanted it desperately. Now that I know it won't happen, I've never wanted it more," she said, hiccupping between her sobs.
"Do you want to give it another try?" Emma asked hesitantly. "I know Dr. Whale said it probably wouldn't work, but is it worth one more attempt?"
"No, I don't think so," Regina shook her head. "I don't think I can put myself through that again, and he seemed pretty certain that it was a lost cause." The fertility drugs they had given her had made her extremely sick, and more importantly, she wasn't sure she could handle hearing that her eggs were 'low quality' yet again. She had told Emma on the nearly silent drive home that she felt broken, even though she knew she shouldn't think of herself that way. She knew there were hundreds of thousands of women who were in the same situation as she was, and it didn't make any of them less of a woman because they weren't capable of having children. But even so, it was still hard to swallow.
"Okay," Emma nodded, kissing the top of Regina's head. She desperately wished she could do more for the other woman, but she was at a loss for what to do, aside from letting her grieve. And, she was also trying to come to terms with the news herself, as she had become extremely excited by the idea of being the mother to the child Regina would carry. But, she knew her loss paled in comparison to what Regina was feeling, so she pushed it down and would work through it later. She needed to focus on supporting Regina.
The brunette quieted down and then sat up, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I should call Robin and let him know," she said stoically.
"You don't have to do that right now, Regina," Emma offered.
"No, I do. I want to get it over with. He knew we were going into the doctor today, thinking that I was going to get the IVF transfer done. He should know it's not ever going to happen," she said, standing up from the couch and retrieving her phone from her purse on the table in the foyer.
Emma nodded as Regina sat back down on the couch next to her, pulling up Robin's name in her contacts. She lightly rubbed her hand in circles on Regina's back as the brunette explained to Robin what had happened. Her description sounded so clinical and detached, but Emma assumed that was the only way Regina could speak about it without completely breaking down. As soon as Regina hung up the phone, she laid herself down on the couch, resting her head in Emma's lap as she allowed herself to cry once again.
*.*.*
"Regina," Emma said six days later as they sat down for breakfast. Regina was slowly coming to terms with what the doctor had told them, but she was still undoubtedly upset by the news. They had continued talking about what the doctor said, but they hadn't discussed any next steps yet.
"Yeah?" Regina answered, looking up from reading the newspaper on her iPad. "What's up?"
Emma bit her lip, hesitating whether to broach the topic that soon. She had an idea, and she hoped Regina would be open to it, or at least not offended by it. "Do you want to talk about other options?"
Regina shrugged before looking back down at her iPad. "There are really only two at this point: adoption or you being pregnant, and I know you're not ready for that yet, so there's not much to talk about."
Emma took a breath. "What if there's a third option?"
"There isn't," Regina said with finality.
"Yes, there is."
"What?" Regina looked up. "What are you talking about?"
"Okay, don't be angry with me, but I went to see Dr. Whale yesterday after my rehearsal, because I had an idea and wanted to see if it was even possible before I mentioned it to you. I didn't want to get your hopes up."
Regina narrowed her eyes as if to say 'tread lightly'.
Emma continued. "You're right: I'm not personally ready to be pregnant. But, that doesn't mean that I can't help you get pregnant."
"What?"
Emma chose her words carefully as she continued to explain her idea. "When we were in his office the other day, he said the issue was with the eggs they retrieved, but not with your uterus. Theoretically, then, you should still be able to carry a child. What if…what if I donated my eggs? It would be like a hybrid of egg donation and what he called gestational surrogacy, and that way you could still be pregnant and have that experience. My bun, your oven, so to speak."
Emma watched with baited breath as Regina considered it, the brunette's face not revealing anything. Eventually, Regina's lips curved into a small smile. "You would really do that?"
"Of course I would, Regina. I love you, and I want to start a family with you."
"Well, then, I kind of love that idea."
The blonde exhaled in relief. She had legitimately been worried that Regina would be upset that she even suggested it. "Really? You do?"
"Yeah. It means I would get to carry your child, and that sounds like a pretty amazing option."
Emma smiled. "Our child, Regina."
"Even better," Regina grinned, but her smile started to falter. "Are you sure this would work?"
Emma shrugged. "No…There aren't any guarantees, and technically Dr. Whale couldn't tell me anything more than he did when he gave us the news because of doctor-patient confidentiality, so he couldn't get into specific details without your permission. But, I asked him hypothetically if a woman in a similar situation to you could use an egg donor and still carry a child, and he said that often the answer is 'yes.' Even women who have had their tubes tied can be surrogates, so it might be worth a try. He told me to have you make an appointment after we talked about it, if you're interested in exploring this option. I know he already did some preliminary tests before you went through the IVF cycle, but he would want to recheck to make sure. While I was there he did a quick exam and preliminary blood tests to make sure things looked good on my end, and they do. I know that isn't definitive, and I'd need to do the same ovulation treatment you did to produce enough eggs, and then they would have to check to make sure they're viable. But, he wrote me a prescription so I can start the drugs almost immediately, since my cycle will start in three days, if we want to give it a try," Emma said, nearly out of breath from her rambling.
"It's worth a try," Regina said, but then she frowned. "But wait, what about the risks? Your mother…"
Emma sighed, as she knew what Regina was about to say. Her mother had passed away from an aggressive form of ovarian cancer when Emma was just a teenager, and Dr. Whale had told the women prior to Regina's cycle that the hormone treatments required to for the egg retrieval process did significantly increase the risk of ovarian cancer, although it would still be a very small risk in the grand scheme of things.
"With your family history, I don't want you putting yourself at risk," Regina said, shaking her head. "Not just so I can be pregnant."
"I told him about that," Emma replied. "He didn't seem overly concerned. He said it's not enough of a concern that he would caution me against it entirely, because there's not that much research out there yet. Almost all the research is strictly looking at infertile women and not egg donors, so they think the increased risk may be tied to infertility and not necessarily the drugs. And not to get too clinical, but since my mom passed away suddenly and they didn't even know she had it, they did a bunch of tests after her death and she was positive for the BRCA 1 gene mutation. They tested me and fortunately I don't have it, so he doesn't think the family link is as pivotal here. But regardless, he said that the risk would decrease if I end up getting pregnant in the future, which is what we're planning for eventually anyway, so it'll all balance out. He recommended avoiding repeated cycles of the hormone injections, but one or two shouldn't be too great of a concern."
"Emma, no..." the brunette shook her head.
"Regina, I've thought about this, and I know the risks. He said they can also start doing screenings for it every year, just to make sure that if something were to happen, they catch it early, unlike with my mom. I really want to do this for you, Regina…for us. Please, let me do this."
"One time," Regina conceded. "You do one cycle and one cycle only. Whatever we can get from that is what we use. I'm not letting you put your health at risk for this. If it works, then great, but if it doesn't, we'll wait until you're ready to carry the child using a regular artificial insemination process without hormonal treatments, or we adopt."
"Okay. One time," Emma compromised.
"And you start doing whatever screenings exist for ovarian cancer immediately afterward and as often as the doctor recommends, no matter the cost. And go on birth control or whatever drugs might help lower your risk," Regina continued listing off her demands.
Emma couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Fine."
"Thank you. I know you think I'm being ridiculous, but I don't want to do anything that might make me lose you, Emma."
Emma smiled. "I know. Dr. Whale assured me that this shouldn't be a cause for concern. I wouldn't do it if he was worried about it."
"Okay," Regina exhaled, excited but trying not to be too optimistic. "So, who would we use as the donor then, if it's your egg but I'm carrying it?"
"Well, we had said that we'd use Killian when it came time for me to get pregnant. But if you'd prefer Robin, or an anonymous donor, that's okay with me, too. All I care about is getting to raise a child with you, Regina. I don't care who provides the other half of the genetic material to make that possible."
"Do you think Killian will agree to donate? I still don't want to use an anonymous donor because of potential confidentiality issues, and I think I'd prefer him over Robin if you're going to be the biological mother so that there might be some brunette in there."
"I think he would. I had mentioned to him about Robin donating for you, and he seemed very supportive of it. I can ask him."
"Okay then…let's see if he agrees and if Dr. Whale thinks this will work."
"I'll call Killian tonight, and then we can call Dr. Whale's office first thing tomorrow morning," Emma smiled.
"Thank you, Emma. I'm so touched that you would even offer to do this. Even if it doesn't work, thank you for being so amazing. I love you."
"I love you, too."
A/N: So, it won't be Robin after all. I actually decided pretty quickly (even before people commented) that while I wanted him to offer and for Emma and Regina to explore that option, I actually really loved the idea of using egg donation instead, because I think the idea of one partner carrying for the other is pretty spectacular. (A couple I know did this and it was beautiful. In their case it wasn't because one wasn't able to conceive, but they knew the pregnant partner had a genetic condition that she would likely pass onto a child, and they wanted to avoid that so they used her wife's eggs. She loved the idea of being able to carry her wife's child, so that always stuck with me as soon as I realized Emma wasn't ready to be pregnant in this fic, but Regina was. But then I was stupid back in the first fic in the series and used ovarian cancer as the cause of death for Emma's mother to explain how she ended up in foster care, which put a damper this idea so I had to fix that. I admittedly get annoyed when writers retcon their own fics, so I couldn't not address it lol). Anyway, I hope you like this turn of events!
I'm trying to keep my writing 2-3 chapters ahead of what I post, and last night I wrote maybe my favorite chapter ever in this fic series (or maybe second favorite, next to the coming out video chapter). That will be posted in about a week or so if I stay on my twice/week update schedule.
Next up: another time jump forward a few weeks when Emma is finishing up preparing herself for the egg donation, and she has a Yoda moment of mentoring with a young dancer at the studio. The chapter will be up on Friday (since we don't have ONCE to watch anymore. Insert sad face here.)