Chapter 20

For once, Clara decided she was going to treat herself to a holiday of sorts. The weather was too perfect for her to be spending it on chopping wood, though she did feel a touch guilty for not working. She'd just had a guest that had brought her good news and she felt energized, like things were finally going her way.

She spent a lazy morning around the cabin, picking up and putting things away, opening windows to air out the place with what might be the last of the warm weather until next spring. She set a pot of beans to soaking to make soup for tomorrow and went looking through the secretary for her little chicken scratches of paper and notes. After collecting them all, she stuffed them into an empty journal book and took them outside with a pot of tea and a pencil tucked in behind one ear.

Flopping down in the chair on the front porch in the spot of sun, she stretched out her legs and propped them up on the railing. Humming one of her songs to herself, she opened the journal and began to sort through her scribbled lyrics and notes to start rewriting them into some form of legible content. She had some good stuff in there, especially the one that Matt had found and said he liked was one of her better ones so far. She could hear the tune already in her head and she needed to start making notes of key changes and timing.

The sunbeam slowly progressed across the porch and she found herself shifting her chair along with it to maximize her time in it. Sure she got a lot of sun by being out working in it but just sitting in it to enjoy the day was a whole other experience. Her stomach rumbled at one time and she got up to fix herself a peanut butter sandwich before resuming her place on the porch and continuing working on her current project. She smiled to herself once as she compared herself somewhat to a cat, stretched out to sun themselves, not having a care in the world for awhile.

She felt a little drowsy by early afternoon and considered going in and stretching out on the couch to nap since it had been a late night and early morning with her guest. As she closed up her book, a flash of white in the distant trees caught her attention. She blinked and put her hand to her forehead to shade her eyes, hoping to get a better look at what might be out there.

Seeing it again, she grinned as she recognized the horse before she recognized the rider. Matt was coming to pay a call. Standing up from her chair, she gathered up her dishes and journal and took them inside as he made his way towards her cabin. Her heart was hammering a little faster at the thrill of seeing him again when she stepped out onto the front porch to greet him, giving him a wave as he rode into the yard.

But as he drew up to her front porch, the adrenaline that began to push into her system to make her heart beat faster wasn't the kind she wanted. The dark look on his face made her stare at him for a moment as he slid out of his saddle. That look hadn't lightened any by the time he came around the back of the horse and towards her, coming to the base of the steps.

She shivered a little as if the joy she'd felt all day had been sucked out of her, "Matthew. And to what do I owe...this pleasure?" she asked hesitantly.

Matt looked at her for a long moment before speaking. "Care to tell me why a big shot lawyer like Lisa Elliot was in town to see you?"

The bottom of her world suddenly dropped out from under her.

It was all Matt could do keep from running his horse all the way to Clara's but he knew it wasn't fair to the beast to work it this hard so once he was a mile out away from his dads, he slowed the white gelding down to a trot, then a walk as he realized he needed to think things through before he confronted Clara about what was going on.

His thoughts were a tangled mess at the moment, all swirling around the one person he thought he could truly have been happy spending his life with. He shied away from that line of thought for awhile and tried to focus on what he knew about Clara. She had said very little about her childhood after she'd left that last summer she'd spent up here with Jake but what she had said basically boiled down to the fact that her parents had turned her into a miniature adult, never allowing her time to be a kid. What would make parents do that to a child? He had nothing there.

He knew someone had hurt her, probably emotionally and had betrayed her. How, she wouldn't say but it must have been bad enough to make her want to leave whatever it was she had before now behind. She came up here with barely a thing to her name. Everyone had seen that. Her truck had busted within hours of arriving and she hadn't replaced it, simply relying on her horses to get her to wherever she needed to go. She pinched every penny until it squeaked and then some. She tried to be generous when she had guests but they had all seen what a strain it had been on her resources.

Nothing went to waste around her place and yet how the hell could she afford the services of a big time criminal defense attorney or any lawyer for that matter. He doubted Lisa did charity cases. She was a nice person but he really didn't see that being her style. There was some form of payback in this for her somehow or she wouldn't be helping Clara out.

Matt ground his teeth. But what did she need help with? Cody had said that there was no one hiding in the mountains that had done anything illegal so Matt could only assume that he had meant Clara in that statement. If anyone would know, it would be Cody since he seemed to have the whole scoop on what was going on.

That was the other thing that made Matt's fist ball up and hit his thigh. Cody! He knew what was going on and he hadn't said a word. Promises or not, if Clara was in trouble, he should have said something to someone about it. Instead he kept Clara's secret and refused to utter a word about any of it.

His whole body was stiff with tension. It wasn't fair! Why the hell would she tell Cody and yet not trust him, trust the one person that wanted to be closer to her than anything. She'd said she didn't want to get hurt again. If she'd just tell him the truth there'd be no reason for her to be scared of getting hurt.

His mind continued to work over all of the little things she'd said and done, all of the details and questions he had as he rode, keeping his horse at a steady pace. He was no closer to the answers as he finally rode into view of her cabin.

Seeing her sitting on the porch in the sun, he paused for a moment but as she looked up, he nudged his horse forward. He watched her as she shaded her eyes in his direction then got up and took her things inside. She came back out and stood on the porch waiting for him, smiling as she gave him a little wave as if excited to see him.

But he now knew that she was hiding so much more and all the thoughts of not knowing exactly what that was and that his kid brother knew exactly what was going on brought all his feelings of frustration and jealousy back to the forefront as he rode up to the hitching post. When he'd come around to face her he knew it had shown on his face by how her face had suddenly gone pale and there was a look of wariness to her features.

At her simple question, his answer brought a response he wasn't ready for. He had expected that once he'd confronted her with the fact that he knew something she'd just open up and tell him everything. What he wasn't expecting was to see all her mental walls go up as her arms suddenly cross over her chest, her chin stubbornly jutting out a bit.

"It's none of your business," came her reply, sharp and angry.

"To hell it isn't," he growled back at her. "A big shot criminal defense lawyer like that up here to see you? What the hell are you into that you need her help?"

Her eyes narrowed, "I'm not into anything. This doesn't concern you!" she snapped back and turned on her heel, retreating into the cabin.

Following, Matt moved up the stairs. "How is it then that my kid brother knows more about you than anyone else? Do you feel safer telling your secrets to a teenager than someone like me who wanted to get to know you?" He saw her move across the floor then stop.

She stopped for a moment, "I didn't 'tell' him anything if you must know. He figured it out on his own and confronted me about it." She turned and looked at him, "But I guess I can't even trust his word to keep quiet or you wouldn't be here," she said, a hurt, angry look to her eyes.

"He's kept your god-damned secrets. I happened to run into Lisa at the gas station this morning and she let it slip she was in town to help Cody out on his 'pet project'. When I asked her what she was talking about she refused to say anything else, telling me she'd said too much and going on about client confidentiality. I then go talk to dad and Cody. Dad doesn't know a thing about it and Cody dances around my questions just as good as you do. I finally put two and two together and got you!"

She huffed a little then moved to the other side of the couch as if to put a barrier between them. "Like I said, it's my business and none of yours. I don't have to tell you anything. I haven't done anything wrong if that's what you're wanting to know."

"Then why the hell do you need Lisa's help? How the hell are you going to afford to pay for her services? You can't even afford to buy supplies for the winter much less afford ten minutes of her time," Matt snarled. If she had been playing them all for fools, he'd just been the biggest one, having felt sorry for her and had filled her pantry.

Her face flushed a deep red, "That's between her and I. And before you ask, no I don't have some hidden stash of money. What I came up here with was all I had to my name," she snapped, looking embarrassed, angry and hurt.

Matt put his hands on the back of the couch and leaned in, "Then trust me and tell me what the hell is going on. I want to know so I can help," he said, trying to reason with her.

She didn't look at him, "There's nothing you can do to help. Besides, I've already told you that I don't trust anyone really right now, not even myself. This it's none of your concern but I was going tell you in time what it's about but not now." Her arms were crossed defensively over her chest.

Growling, Matt shoved off the back of the couch and pushed his hands through his hair, "Dammit Clara. I cared about you. And then you do this to me. Now I don't know what to think."

She blinked, her whole body going tense as she turned cold eyes on him. "You 'cared'? What? You don't now? That's just great. You know what. I don't need this. I don't need YOU. I don't need anybody. Just get out and leave me the hell alone!" Her arms uncrossed and she pointed towards the door.

"Don't be like that. That's not what I meant and you know it!" Now he was flustered and frustrated. This wasn't going the way he had wanted it to. "I do care about you. I just want you to trust me."

She balled up her fists and kept her arms straight, tightly pressed against her sides as if afraid she might haul off and slug him, "Every time I've trusted someone it's ended up with me being the one hurt. I'm tired of being the one getting dumped on and torn apart. So you know what, you can just take your ass right on out of here and leave. If you can't trust me enough to just let me do my thing at my own pace and just believe in me enough to tell you things when I felt the time was right, then get the hell out of my house."

Matt stared at her and ground his teeth in frustration. "You can't label me and stick me in the same box as those that hurt and betrayed you before. You've not even given me a chance to prove myself to you. But if that's the way you want it, fine. I don't need this kind of crap. If you can't tell me the truth about yourself and what's going on then it just shows me you can't trust me with anything else. I thought trust was a two way street."

Clara crossed her arms and half turned away from him, not looking at him perhaps to hide how much that last jab had hurt. With anger rising in his gut, Matt spun on his heel and stalked out of the cabin and back to his horse where he climbed into the saddle and kicked the gelding into a gallop as he tore out of the yard.

From a distance, a pair of narrowed brown eyes tracked Matt's progress out of the house, watching with interest as he rode out of the yard…

Clara's throat kept threatening to tighten up and choke her as Matt stood there yelling at her. Her hopes and dreams were crumbling around her feet and she couldn't force the truth out past her stubborn lips. His words stung and simply added fuel to the fire already burning in her guts that made it even harder for her to tell him what was really going on.

Her heart was pounding in her chest, part of her brain screaming at her to tell him while the rest of her was shaking and reminding her of the past, of all that had been done to her and what she had escaped. Did she really want to go through that again, all that pain and heartache when he found out who she really was? She had wanted him to want her for who she was, not what she was, and now? Now there didn't seem to be a prayer of that happening, claimed her cold intellectual self. Better to nip it now then let it go on and have a harder fall later.

As she watched him storm out the door, she stood there for a few moments, then turned and walked with stilted movements to the front door. Part of her screamed to run after him, to stop him and spill it all out but again, that cold part of her kept her in check, dredging up the memories of her recent past, the pain of the betrayal she'd felt. She only caught a glimpse of him as he disappeared into the trees and then he was gone.

She didn't know how long she stood there, her arms wrapped around her as if to shield her from the pain of what she'd just done. Finally she simply stepped off the front porch and started walking, not stopping until she came to the overlook to the valley that Cody had shown her. It was the perfect spot as the overhang was surrounded by trees, framing in the picturesque mountains in the distance and the green spreading valley below.

Sitting in the late afternoon sun, she felt numb as she looked out over the picture perfect beauty. For once it didn't bring any peace to her. She watched as the shadows grew longer as the afternoon sun moved across the sky towards the west. Her mind was such a jumble of thoughts and her heart full of conflicting emotions that she finally could do nothing but stare blankly at the world and think and feel nothing.

The sound of footsteps behind her brought her out of her slight stupor. She knew of only one person who would have found her here. "Go home Cody."

The footsteps hesitated for a moment and then continued, "You all right Clara?"

"Not really but I'll survive I guess," she said as she turned her head and looked at the young man who came up behind her.

"I'm sorry Clara. I swear I didn't tell him anything." Cody looked miserable and a touch nervous.

Her blue eyes looked at his for another minute and then turned away to look back out over the valley, "I know. Matt told me he'd seen Lisa and she let it slip, that he'd gone to see you and you hadn't told him anything…that he'd figured it out." She gave a deep sigh and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She felt Cody sit down next to her, felt his presence there beside her.

"I know I promised not to tell anyone but I had to tell dad. I hope you're not mad at me," came the quiet words, the silent plea for forgiveness.

She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't care. This is such a mess now anyway. I wouldn't...I couldn't seem to bring myself to tell Matt the truth. He left angry and upset at me. I've no idea what he thinks of me now but I doubt there's any hope for the two of us. I've kind of ruined all hopes of that."

Cody was silent for a time, "Matt just needs time to get it out of his system. Give him a few days and he'll realize he was being an asshole and start beating himself up over things he said and the way he acted. He'll either be too embarrassed to apologize, thus requiring my assistance to get him to do so or he'll find a way to make it up to you." She could hear the slight smile and an almost cocky assuredness to his words.

Clara looked over at him then away before she shook her head, "No Cody. I don't think so. Not with what was said between us. Besides, it's probably better this way. I've no idea what the future will hold with the court case or its outcome. I might have to go back to LA for awhile or have to finish out my contract with the studio. That's another two years and at least one more album." She took in a slow breath and let it out. "So maybe it's for the best that it ends this way. I'm sure there's someone better out there for him anyway that doesn't come along with so much baggage."

She saw Cody staring at her out of the corner of her eye and for once he didn't respond to her. She couldn't tell if he was angry at her or just upset. He sat there for a few more minutes. "Guess you have it all figured out then don't you," he said, standing up and brushing off his jeans, his voice sounding on edge. "Just going to wallow in self pity and give up without a fight."

Her head snapped around and looked at him, her mouth hanging open a little as she moved to stand up. "If that's what you think…," she started to say.

"It doesn't matter how the rest of us feel about you so long as you don't have to tell anyone anything about yourself, you can just hide away up here on the mountain, hoping you don't have to face your past or your fears or the pain someone caused you. That's the easy way out." Cody moved a bit away from her, "You had a good thing going with someone who cared for you, wanted to be with you and wouldn't have cared who you were before you came up here. You'd already proven who 'Clara' was. But instead of telling Matt the truth, you hid behind excuses and it might have cost you the one good thing worth having around here…," he said as he turned to move away.

"Cody! That's not fair!" called out Clara as she made to follow him.

Cody turned to stare at her, his eyes looking sad and yet with a touch of hurt, "I kept your secret and look where it got me. Matt's pissed off at me now because I know who you really are, I know more about you than he does. And because of that, I've probably lost some of his trust. So I don't want to hear about something 'not being fair' Clara."

She stopped and stared at the young man before her, frowning at the implications of his words. He turned and walked away then, disappearing into the trees. She stood there for a few minutes and watched where he'd vanished, wondering if he'd come back. When he didn't and a cool breeze blew across her skin, reminding her that evening was approaching, she shivered and wrapped her arms around herself and trudged her way back home.

After closing the house up for the night, she crawled into bed and buried her head under her pillow, simply wishing for midnight to come and go so that it would finally be the official end of the worst day since coming here. Sleep eluded her until the early hours of the morning as Cody's words echoed in her ears. She tossed and turned, trying to deal with everything that had happened to her that day. The worst part of it all was her feelings of guilt at possibly having come between two brothers and maybe having pushed away the only one who had proven to her to be trustworthy.

When sleep finally came it was to the sounds of thunder as it rumbled across the valley and icy raindrops hit the windows, echoing the misery she felt inside.

TBC - Stay tuned for Chapter 21 ... Things have broken apart. What could possibly happen next...?