"Are you sure its ok to close the shop each time the turtles come over?" I was busy making the turtles' sandwiches; they'd be over soon. "Sure!" Uncle hollered from the back room. "They need free run of the house." "Or we could just stay upstairs; I'm sure they'd be ok with that too." "Oh baby niece," he then came out with a box in his arms. "You don't get it. You have to make an effort with them." "Uh, ok; why?" "Well how else do you expect one of them to date you?"
This made me almost drop Donatello's sub I was currently preparing on the floor. "D-date one of the tur-…." I couldn't finish the sentence. "Yeah!" Uncle said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Have you forgotten why we sent you to public school? Remember what your uncle Rock said: We Zilla boys have to revel in all that raw testosterone pulsing through our veins. Need to deal with it in a healthy way, baby niece! Gees, I can't believe I have to tell you that." "And I can't believe you're telling me this for a second time! I'm a girl, uncle!" "Oh, yeah…. well, you still should hook up with one of the turtles. You haven't dated anyone since you started school; they're the reason, aren't they?" "N-no!" No! No, of course not, they couldn't be…. could they? Wait! No! What was I thinking? No!
"Hmmmmmm," uncle didn't look at all convinced, folding his arms and turning to face me. After a moment, he gave a little shrug. "Well, in that case, they better date you to make up for chasing all the human boys away. The nerve!" "N-no, uncle; it's not like that…" "Wait 'til I tell my brother! He'll be furious." "No! You're not telling uncle Rock anything! You promised, remember?" "Mmmmmm, well ok; but they better get at it! No niece of mine will graduate single." "Uncle…." I rubbed my hand over my eyes exasperated. Why me? Why? "Maybe try kissing one of them; that ought to get things rolling." "Uncle!" "What?! Kisses work…. I mean, so does prime roast, but your cooking's horrible." "I'm not kissing or cooking anything, uncle!"
"You're cooking what now?" Oh god! I spun around to see none other than all four turtles standing there, looking at me slightly puzzled. Oh, great! How much of that did they hear? "You're cooking us something?!" Michelangelo's face lit up with excitement. Not much, it seems. "U-uh, I'm making your sandwiches." "Huh," Raphael's arms crossed in front of his shell; classic. "Why don't you just let uncle Zilla make them? He's way better at it." "Raph!" Leonardo gave him an incredulous look.
"See?!" Uncle's hand stuck out their way and I could feel my eyes roll halfway across the world. "Even Red agrees with me! You gotta learn to cook if you wanna land yourself a man." "Land a what now?" Leonardo cocked an eyebrow, as did the second eldest. "Nothing! Uncle, you're supposed to be doing inventory. I'll finish the subs." "Good girl! Getting in all the practice you can," he patted my head in approval while I just stood there wanting to sink through the floor. Then he leaned in to whisper into my ear: "go for Blue; he's smart!" I watched as he disappeared into the back room before turning back to them, absolutely mortified. Ugh! If it's not weird teachers at school, it's weird relatives at home.