Espérons Inutiles

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare

Chapter 1: Changer pour le pire

Present day (Approximately six years after City of Glass)

Alec breathed in the salty air of the sea. It was an unusually cold morning for February. The summer had been warm up until now. Alec woke up every day expecting the bright sun, and he was pleased every time. There was something about the sun on the sea that made him feel so… numb. The flashing of light on the endless expanse of water blinded him. Today was different. The sea before him was long, black, and bleak. The lack of sun seemed to tear at him from the inside. It was like he couldn't hide himself out here. He couldn't hide his misery in the darkness, of all places. He relied upon the light to shine so brightly, he could never shine through it.

"Alec?" a soft voice called out. Alec turned to see Haal, his sandy haired boyfriend, coming up from the cabin. His light hair seemed so untamed, a hot mess blowing about in the harsh winds that whipped him as he came out on deck. Alec carefully took in the state of his hair and clothes, ragged yet casual. He had come up in a hurry when he realized Alec was gone. Alec also accepted the way he felt when he saw Haal: resigned. He smiled a few seconds too late, albeit a little coldly, though Haal seemed to accept it.

"I'm sorry," Alec said, not sounding remorseful in the slightest. Haal was far used to Alec's erratic behaviour to mind whenever he was in a bad mood. Haal approached cautiously, but with traces of sincere love in every move he made. Alec realized that Haal was feeling particularly emotional this morning. The prospect of going through the motions of love with his current boyfriend was daunting; he approached the idea with caution.

To try and apologize, Alec turned away from the rail of the boat, turning to face Haal. Haal took this as a welcoming, and he embraced Alec. Alec really tried to act like he was as in love as Haal, as he embraced him with what he hoped was enough passion. It seemed to satisfy Haal, who pulled away slightly and kissed him. Alec couldn't help from wincing slightly. Haal seemed to sense it, and he pulled back quickly, trying and failing not to show his hurt and worry.

"You're up early," he commented lightly. Alec nodded.

"I thought today was going to be sunny," he said as he glanced out over the dark sea and sky, almost blending together to form one single mass of misery. "We need to find another weather station."

"I figured," Haal hurried to agree with Alec. "I'm getting sick of waking up every day to hear that man's voice on the radio. He definitely seems like an idiot."

Alec smiled halfheartedly. "You want to get breakfast ready?" He hoped that he did. Haal nodded, and, after placing a gentle kiss on Alec's cheek, he headed back down to the kitchen.

Alec sighed as Haal walked away. He was so cruel. He recalled the days when he had pined after Jace, and all the while, Jace had ignored it. That hadn't been purposely, of course, which made Alec even crueler in his own eyes. Haal was a really sweet guy, one who so happened to be absolutely in love with Alec.

When Alec had decided he couldn't remain in New York anymore, he went for a definite extreme, and jetted off to live the rest of his life in Australia. He had sent a quick message before he left, but he had still given the residents of the Institute in Sydney a surprise. Nevertheless, they had accepted him as one of their own. Once he had gotten the gist of everyday workings on this strange continent, he had taken to strolling around on the streets of Sydney. Somehow he had met Haal, who had been thoroughly surprised by the dark, sullen young man.

After a few months of seeing each other, Haal had offered Alec a small voyage. Haal was a mundane, of course, and a marine biologist. He worked with four of his university friends, and of the four of them, he was the one to spend weeks on end out on the ocean. Studying the habits of the creatures below him. At the time, he had simply asked if Alec wanted to come out with him for about a week. Alec had agreed, though he'd asked that they keep it to a week. Naturally, it had gone three days past the limit, but Haal hadn't seemed the slightest bit abashed.

As Alec stood on the side of the large yacht that had somehow become his second home, he absorbed he fast winds that were whipping him in the face. Alec had come to appreciate the wildlife around him, something he had never truly accomplished in New York. The waters weren't like this up there. The seas just south of Australia were somehow larger, more consuming, and they seemed… tireless. The wind was different here, too. It seemed much harsher than it ever could have been in New York City. Alec watched as it whipped the water into waves, constantly moving. There was just so much more to see here.

Alec heard someone call his name. It was like a faint whisper on the winds, only it was far too close to have been coming from the winds. Besides, there was no one there to call out to him. Alec assumed it was Haal, and he headed inside, instantly regretting it as he breathed in the stuffy air of the boat's cabins.

Alec headed down the stairs, with a part of his brain taking note of the sharp movements of the rocking boat. Though, after all this time, it no longer fazed him. Once upon a time he had been thrown off balance by every wave, small or large. After having spent the majority of three years on this boat though, it had become second nature to him.

Alec slowly turned right at the bottom of the stairs, heading into the kitchen. It was a nicely sized room, not too large, not too small, and it had three decent sized portholes in which Alec could watch the fish that passed by. It was in those rare moments that Alec saw Haal's reason for coming out here. Alec didn't always see the interest in these creatures, and he couldn't always tell why Haal was so fascinated by them. Then again, the same held true for why Haal was so fascinated with Alec.

Haal was already at the white, square shaped table, munching on some toast and reading one of the many papers in front of him. Alec strode over, smiled when Haal looked up, and sat down.

"I'm sorry about this, but we've run pretty low on things," Haal told Alec while still looking down at his papers. Alec didn't see Haal's eyes moving, so he suspected Haal was looking down so he didn't have to see Alec's disappointment.

"It's all right. We have been out here for longer than usual." It had been seven weeks at Alec's last count. He'd been kind of surprised by the long voyage, but he'd accepted it. He didn't want to spend his summer inside the Institute.

Alec looked over the meal that Haal had managed to put together. There was a small bowl of Weet-Bix that contained a bit of milk and a few strawberries. Accompanying that was an orange and a small bottle of vanilla milk. "This isn't that bad," he assured Haal.

Haal looked pleased. "I'd still check the milk if I were you."

Alec did, seeing that, miraculously, the expiration date had only been yesterday. It was safe enough. He took a sip of the milk first. Vanilla milk hadn't seemed so appealing to Alec at first, but Haal loved it. It was one of the many things that had simply become a part of Alec's life now. It was also one of the few things he shared with Haal that distinctly belonged to Haal. Almost everything else had been Alec's doing, little things here and there in their lifestyle that Alec had wanted to change. Haal had been all too willing to change for Alec. Funny how a simple bottle of milk was one of the things Alec hadn't changed.

The two of them ate in silence, until Haal said, "I'm thinking it's time to head back in."

Alec looked up in surprise.

"Well, it's been, six-"

"Seven."

"It's been seven weeks now, and we're getting kind of low on supplies." Alec nodded slowly, unable to deny how, in the beginning of their trip, they had eaten a breakfast of eggs, crisp bacon, and toast spread with vegemite.

"I thought you had to research the… uh… jellyfish?" He looked at Haal with a question in his eyes, and Haal nodded. At least Alec had remembered this time.

"I've got a lot more than I expected to. I've got plenty of data by now."

"Is it enough to be of use to you guys?" Alec secretly hoped it wasn't. He loved these long voyages out onto the sea.

Haal shrugged bashfully. "I'm still not up to date with the work they've been doing on the mainland, but from what I know of our last group meeting, this will definitely be a great help." He paused then added, "We might need to look into the migration habits further, though, and that will take a bit of time." Alec smiled.

"When were you planning to start heading back in?" Alec asked. There was an odd look in Haal's eyes as he responded.

"We've been moving closer to land every day. We'll probably make it back by… today." Alec started. He wasn't ready to leave that soon! "It'll definitely be later in the day," Haal tried to assure him. Alec smiled and nodded.

Well, they were going back, Alec thought sullenly. He continued to go through the regular motions with Haal. They prepared for the day, packed all their things, and, Alec not enjoying it as much as he should have, spent quite a bit of time on the bed. Alec was, surprisingly, the voice of reason when it came to their love life. He was the one to set the limits and take charge when they were doing it.

Alec considered his life now as he sat on the deck again, this time on one of the long benches in near the center of the boat, less than four feet from Haal, who was steering the boat towards land. As soon as he got back, he was going to be scolded by one of the wardens of the Institute, whether it be Ziyi, Aaron, or Miguel, the latter being just one of the shadowhunters who lived there. He was going to be told off like a child for leaving and shirking his responsibilities for seven weeks. After that, he would pretend to repent, not convincing any of them, and he would help with the demons for another few weeks. He would go on a few dates with Haal, secretly awaiting the next opportunity to go away on the boat. And he would jump at the next trip, the longer the better.

And there was the crux if the problem. What Alec loved about Haal, and it might not even be love, was the opportunity to run away to the boat. He loved leaving all of his problems behind on the land and spending weeks on end out on the ocean. It was petty, he knew, and cruel to pretend he had feelings for Haal. Because in reality, he was using Haal for the frequent escapes.

And that wasn't even the worst part. If Alec had a heart, he would have set Haal straight and asked if they could just be friends. But he hadn't done that. He had strung Haal on from the beginning, letting him believe that Alec was in love with him too. It wasn't that Alec didn't appreciate how kind Haal was to him, but that was the problem. He appreciated Haal. He didn't love him, and Alec couldn't quite fathom why he had let it continue on. Maybe a part of him simply needed someone to be with that way, and he had decided to settle for Haal. How on earth was that fair to Haal? Alec knew it wasn't fair to him at all, but Alec hadn't been given much hope for any romantic future, so the prospect of having someone who was fully committed to him had been all too inviting.

Alec looked out towards the dark sea, allowing the darkness to show his pain. Magnus. That's where all the pain began. Only six months into their relationship, Magnus had broke it off. He hadn't given much reason why, though Alec hadn't wanted any. It would just be easiest to say that Alec and Magnus had both lost the feeling in their relationship, but with Alec it was just the need to be able to walk away with at least the illusion of confidence. He could probably pinpoint what had gone wrong if he tried, but not even the darkness could do that. Magnus had been the one to slowly pull away, and eventually cut the cord that bound them together, leaving Alec alone in the dark, confused and reeling.

Desperate not to have to think of… him, Alec asked, "How long until we get there, you think?"

"Any tic of the clock," Haal assured him. "Haley's going to be picking us up. Sorry, but she'll probably have the ankle biters with her." Alec smiled wryly at the mention of Haley's two, wild children.

"It doesn't matter," said Alec wistfully. "It'll be kind of nice to get back."

Haal looked at him as hard as he could while keeping an eye on the waters ahead of him. "You don't have to put on an act."

Alec looked away at this point, and Haal let him drift off into silence. After about a minute, Haal said, "We're here."

Alec watched as they pulled into the busy Sydney harbor. It was as hectic as usual, and it took a while for them to get the boat tied up in a marina and headed out to meet Haley. Haley was one of Haal's colleagues, and one of his closest friends. She treated Alec in a similar way to how Alec felt about Haal. She tolerated him. She was all too aware of how Haal felt about Alec and how Alec took it for granted. She tolerated him.

After waiting for about ten minutes, Haal pointed towards Haley's car pulling up to the curb. They hurried towards it, just as it began to rain. They hastened to put their bags in the trunk and hop in. Luckily, Haley hadn't brought the ankle biters.

"G'day there, Haal," she said brightly. "It's been quiet without you. 'Bout time you get back!" She turned and nodded towards Alec. He nodded in response; nothing else was necessary. She was here for Haal, not Alec.

"Great to be back," Haal told her affectionately.

"How's life been at sea?" she asked, starting to drive toward the Institute. She had long grown used to dropping Alec off quickly, then getting to spend the rest of the day with Haal.

"Oh, bee's knees," he told her brightly. He then proceeded to launch into an explanation of all the research he'd done on the fascinating jellyfish. Alec took this as an opportunity to zone out and begin his mental preparations for returning to the Institute. He'd had very little time to do this, and he was taking advantage of the little time he had. Though it seemed like seconds later that Haal nudged him gently.

"Alec?" Alec started to find Haal staring at him and Haley glaring at him in the rear view mirror.

"Beg yours?"

"We're here." Alec looked out to see the Institute, looming and great in his eyes, though it probably looked very run down in Haal and Haley's opinions.

"Sorry," Alec muttered. Haal chuckled.

"I'm not surprised you're bushed. Do you need help with your bag?" He was being very generous, and it almost made Alec feel bad.

"No, it's fine. I'll see you soon," he promised, and he carefully accepted the kiss Haal offered him. He said goodbye to Haley, and she raised a hand in farewell. Alec could have sworn he heard her mutter, "buzz off." He hurried to get his bag out of the trunk and head up to the front steps of the Institute. He heard the car drive off and assumed that Haley wanted to get out of there quickly to avoid the scene where Haal insistently waved back to Alec, and Alec never so much as glanced back. Alec had stopped feeling so guilty, and eventually began to wonder why Haal didn't catch on. Perhaps he figured that Alec might eventually take interest. Poor Haal.

Alec asked for permission to enter, as usual, and was immediately confronted by Miguel and he smiled his first genuine smile in seven weeks.

Miguel was twenty-five, only one year older than Alec, and he was of Spanish descant, a very rare thing in Australia. He had dark brown curls that matched perfectly with his tanned skin. It instantly gave away his heritage, though he wore it well, giving off a nice friendly aura. Alec had taken long hours to consider Miguel's facial features, and, though they weren't as immediately compelling as Jace's, it was the kind of face that one could grow to love after time. And Alec had definitely grown, well, not to love him, but to become attached to him.

"Well look who decided to join us," said Miguel, teasing. Alec grinned.

"It was only a few weeks," he said as Miguel snorted and moved out of his way. "At least I warned you about it this time." Miguel rolled his eyes. It was a rare thing for Alec to tell them exactly how long he was going to be gone, and Miguel knew that.

"It's been quite dreary here without you." Alec smiled at that, knowing that his presence had once had the opposite effect on people. Usually it was dreary with him there. Miguel, of course, would think differently.

"I'm glad somebody missed me."

"As you better have missed work." Alec groaned jokingly at this. Though he was loath to admit it, Miguel had almost taken Jace's place as Alec's parabatai. Miguel was a highly skilled shadow hunter, one of the best Alec had ever seen, and he was a wonder to watch while fighting. The runes that covered his skin almost seemed to enhance him.

"Are you going to be delivering a lecture to me today, or will it be Ziyi?" Miguel sighed.

"Alec," he said solemnly. "It has been decided that you're too old to be told what to do. Don't look that shocked. It was Ziyi's idea. If you're stupid enough to shirk your duties as a Nephilim for weeks on end, so be it. Her words," he assured Alec. "Not mine."

Alec smiled sardonically at him. He had just as much reason to hate it whenever Alec went out to the sea with Haal for weeks on end. He highly doubted that Miguel had agreed with Ziyi, but he knew that Miguel understood that being yelled at would never be good enough to dissuade Alec. He must have agreed with her only to show Alec that he believed he was a man too.

"I'm tired," Alec announced suddenly. Miguel stared at him, surprised. He obliged anyways, following Alec up to his room, helping him carry his bags up there.

The room was quite bare, especially since Alec took most of his things with him whenever he left. Alec never had time for the room. He so rarely spent time in it, and the few times he was in there, he was rarely concerned with the decorating.

Indeed, today it started with Miguel gently rubbing Alec's shoulder. They moved very quickly, to bed, to nudity, and so forth. Here was another reason why Alec felt guilty. This time, to both Haal and Miguel.

He used both of them. There was no other way to put it. He didn't understand it. It wasn't him. It just wasn't like him to take advantage of these guys, both of whom were perfectly kind to him. Alec heavily suspected that they both felt the exact same way. Alec also knew he felt the same way towards both of them. He appreciated them, but never enough and never in the way they wanted him to.

Yes, Alec did feel a little chill whenever Miguel whispered softly into his ear, "Te amo." But Alec was perfectly capable of pulling Miguel in, kissing him deeply, cutting him off and silently refusing to admit the same thing back. It was the same thing he had done to Haal less than twenty-four hours ago.

Miguel was a little different though. Unlike Haal, he knew of Alec's relationship with Magnus, and Miguel knew that to win Alec, he would have to get him to forget Magnus, something they both knew to be true, but something Miguel would never admit to himself. Alec wished again that Miguel would take a hint. Sometimes it was relieving to spend weeks away from him. Alec had often joked to himself how Isabelle would have been proud. Two guys, both of whom would die for Alec if he asked.

Sometime later, Alec and Miguel lay together in bed, Miguel with his arms wrapped around Alec. He was imagining to himself how different things would have been if Alec was able to admit that he loved him too, Alec knew. Alec was remembering how Magnus had held him in a way similar to this. But then, Alec had felt safe.

"Alec," Miguel pleaded. He wanted Alec so desperately, and it jarred Alec to know how he could never reciprocate any of these feelings. He shook his head silently. Miguel clutched Alec tighter. "Why, Alec? They don't love you. Haal is nothing but a distraction. Magnus," Alec winced at the name, "is in the past. I'm sorry, but… please, Alec. I love you here, now. Te amo…"

"Lo siento," Alec told him, and he meant it. Fortunately, there was a knock on the door then. Alec scrambled out of Miguel's arms and yanked on a pair of jeans. He opened the door to see Ziyi, the solemn Asian caretaker of the Institute. She knew why Alec was only half dressed, and she had told him many times of her disapproval. She'd had better luck trying to get him not to go on the long trips with Haal. Her eyes reflected her disapproval now.

Ziyi had been a regular in Alec's new life. She had welcomed him with open arms, and, while respecting that he was a fully-grown man, had taught him further. She instructed him in the fighting styles of southern China, something that had honestly been a bit of an enigma to Alec up until now. She had showed him her culture and taught him her language. Alec could proudly say that he was fluent in Cantonese. In many ways, Ziyi had been like a surrogate mother, though Alec often had to remind himself that he still had a mother back in New York.

"Really, Alec?" she asked him quietly. He tried to answer her, but for once, he didn't have any excuses. She had a way of pinning him down with only her sharp, dark eyes. She shook her head, her jet-black hair swaying as she did so. "Get dressed, both of you. We have company."

And she walked away. Just like that. Alec was very taken aback, and he remembered Miguel telling him that Ziyi had given up on yelling at Alec to get him to listen. Was that all she had given up on?

"Ziyi," he called to her. She turned to him then. Her face softened by a noticeable fraction.

"Welcome home, Alec." She told him, and walked away. Alec sighed and reentered his room, desperately trying to ignore the man in his bed. Before Miguel could actually ask, Alec told him there was company. That seemed to get him thinking straight. Both men dressed quickly and quietly, Alec hurrying out before Miguel could speak to him further. It killed Alec to know that he was killing Miguel right now, but Alec had been hurting people for too long now.

It shook Alec to his core to realize how cold he had gotten over the years. He was slowly turning into the bitter, scorned boyfriend. Before long he would be breaking these guys' hearts, similar to how Magnus had broken his. Alec headed without thinking towards the library. It was a very typical place for people to meet with visitors. Not that there were many.

As Alec was walking, he somehow managed to stumble over his own feet, and he stumbled forward, falling into the library door and pushing it open quickly. Only after he regained his balance did he take into account the people in the library.

At first, he noted the regulars, Ziyi and Aaron, the married couple who ran the Sydney Institute. After that, his eyes fell upon Jace, Clary, and Isabelle. He hadn't seen them in years…

But that wasn't the worst.

Behind them, not bothering to hide himself whatsoever, was Magnus.

AN: Whoa, that was long. Sorry about that. I had an idea fixed in my head, and I was determined to get it all down before I go to bed. Of course, bed for me will end up being two thirty.

So tell me what you think. I'll be updating this for sure. Tell me what you think about Alec's change of character. And tell me if you think the title is true about Alec. I'm not sure how to handle this new Alec either, so tell me what you think.

Thanks so much if you read the entire thing. You can be mean if you want, just so long as you review. ;)

If the length really bothers you, feel free to mention it.