Espérons Inutile

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare.

Chapter 3: Je ne veux pas voir.

Isabelle couldn't sleep. It wasn't exactly as if she wasn't exhausted; when they left the Institute for Australia, it had been two in the morning. It wouldn't be wrong to say that it was hard to fall asleep when the rest of the city was still going on with their day, but that wasn't the real reason. It was seeing Alec.

At first, Isabelle hadn't even recognized him. The man that walked in had been just as messy as she remembered Alec to be, but he seemed less awkward than she remembered. He looked, well, attractive. What with the tan, windswept hair, and simple clothes, he could have been a male model who'd literally stepped out of the pages of a magazine. And it wasn't just that, it didn't seem to bother Alec. Isabelle remembered how self-conscious Alec had been before. He'd deliberately tried to hide himself from everyone who so much as looked at him. She bet now that any girl who walked by him swooned. And she couldn't picture this Alec being embarrassed by it. He might even like people gawking at him. It didn't seem surprising that he was sleeping with another guy, right here in the Institute.

Watching him and talking to him seemed to make him seem even more bizarre. Isabelle hadn't been the only one worried about how Alec would react if they brought Magnus with him. They knew he had to come, but they didn't know if it was a good thing for him to see Alec. But Alec had just stood there, stared at Magnus for a few seconds, and moved on. It hadn't even fazed him! Add in the rough accent he'd somehow picked up, and Alec had turned into a complete stranger.

It was sad really. They'd always been able to talk, but Isabelle wasn't even able to talk to this strange man who called himself Alec. She might as well have been introduced to her mother's sister's second cousin twice removed and expected to be best friends. She suspected it was the same thing for Jace and Clary. None of them knew this person.

She wondered what Magnus had thought. She would never breath a word of it to Alec, as it was so personal and not her news to tell, but Magnus had been hoping that this reunion with Alec might bring them back together. Neither man had ever told anyone about why they had broken up in the first place. Both had simply said, "It just wasn't working out. We fell apart." As if. Isabelle knew for a fact that they had really been in love for a time there. She wondered sometimes if Magnus had actually been the one to end it, or if one of them hadn't done something huge to piss the other off. Whatever happened, Magnus had admitted to Isabelle that he wanted to work things out with Alec. Now that he'd seen this new Alec, what would Magnus think? Was it still worth pursuing him?

Isabelle didn't know how to deal with this person. She sighed and buried her head in the covers. She was going to have to; that she knew for certain.

-Break-

After about a year of dating Haal, Alec decided that perhaps it would be good for him to get his own boat. He'd explained to Haal how he loved being out on the water, and the long periods of time in which he had to endure between felt too long. Because Alec had proposed the idea, Haal was all for it. Problem was, even he didn't have enough money to buy a boat, and, after a couple days of thought, Alec decided that he wasn't going to let Haal buy him an actual boat.

It felt extremely weird job-hunting, but his search had somehow gained him a job as a bartender. He'd been surprised; he didn't have much under his belt as far as mixing drinks went, and he wasn't always the most charismatic person. But he'd gotten extremely lucky; not that many people applying to this particular bar, not one of the most popular bars, and to add to it, the manager had been a single girl. He'd been a little ashamed of winking at the time, but the manager had insisted that he seemed very nice and reasonable. He learned the recipes, studying as hard as he had once studied demonology textbooks, and took off.

It had taken a bit of getting used to, but he picked it up surprisingly quick. After a couple months of working there, Alec thought to himself, not for the first time, that the old Alec would not have had a shot at this job. It was his internal decision to change himself that resulted in him gaining a bit of confidence. Not much, just enough to be able be friendly and to socialize with the customers. And it was always interesting to hear some of the drunken stories people had to tell. Many times, Alec had found himself confronted by teenagers hoping to get by easy. Alec had easily been able to imagine Isabelle or Jace doing the same thing, drinking underage, and he'd sent away a bunch of angry teenagers. Oh yeah, he was good.

At the time, Alec had been fixed on the prospect of having a boat, and he knew that he wasn't going to be able to buy one any time soon. So he'd looked into getting a second job. He rather enjoyed preparing things and serving food and drinks, so this time he was prepared. He had honestly spent five months learning how to cook and searching for a job that would enable him to do so. Eventually, he befriended someone at the bar who helped him get a job at a Chinese restaurant. So, six months after he became a bar tender, he began cooking at a Chinese restaurant.

It was perhaps the most bizarre combination of jobs he could have gotten. Haal had never understood how Alec had gotten so lucky, and Alec agreed. Of course, he didn't regret either of those jobs. He enjoyed both immensely, and Ziyi for one was impressed with both. To sum it all up, Alec knew this wouldn't have been possible for the old Alec.

It had made his life more enjoyable and hectic than ever. Though he loved both jobs immensely, he never could forget that he had another job, one that was given to him at birth. Whenever he wasn't at the restaurant or the bar, he was out hunting demons with the others at the Institute, always wishing he were on Haal's boat. And whenever he wasn't doing any of those things, he was on Haal's boat, wishing he were at the bar, the restaurant, or hunting demons. It was crazy, and he often felt guilty he ever undercompensated for any one of those things (There was four.). If he considered his life from afar, as he weren't the one living it, he would really be wondering what kind of person would live like that. It wasn't Alec's ideal life at all. If he chose to explore his own nature, he realized that he'd changed so drastically because even his own regular self reminded him of how he'd been with Magnus. The life of a scorned man was an unusual one.

After doing that for so long, he remembered the boat. And after spending the longest possible time trying to choose, followed by rigorous lessons by Haal on how to use it, Alec was finally able to sail his own boat. He went with Haal for long trips, vacations almost. And he went out on his own boat for pleasure. It was his own small yacht, all black, unlike most of the boats, and very non-conspicuous. It was the closest Alec was to his old self anymore.

So out of all the things to be doing while he waited for his family and friends to sleep, he headed for his boat. It was easy as day to get it out into the water, moving as quickly as possible in the busy bay, filled with workers trying to get in for the day. Once Alec was far out, he allowed himself to rest.

He didn't want to spend a lot of time thinking, so he spent about a minute considering how to deal with Magnus being at the Institute. It would definitely be easiest to be professional about it. Just ignore him, and if he couldn't, act as if nothing had ever happened. And his family? Stick to the task at hand, he decided. Tell them how there are just as many demons here as there were in New York. They had no need to know of Haal, Miguel, or any of his other reasons to feel guilty.

After a few hours of sailing around and doing nothing, Alec headed back in, not entirely wanting to, but the sun had come out, causing the water to shine and glitter as it set.

It reminded him too much of Magnus.

-Break-

Isabelle woke up at 11:50, Australian time. For her, it felt like nine in the morning. It was very unnerving, waking up when it was still dark outside, yet feeling no reason to get back to sleep. She decided to get ready anyways. Sure, the Australian shadowhunters would be sleeping, but that might be for the better. This wasn't exactly a normal case.

They'd caught onto that at least. It was absolutely bizarre for the Clave to send some of the only shadowhunters they had in New York half way across the world to find a rogue warlock, especially when there were other shadowhunters already living there. Add in the warlock as part of their company, and they made the oddest group ever, with an unbelievable tale to match.

She wished she could tell Alec.

-Break-

Alec had spent only three hours on his boat. After too much meditation, he'd came back in, only to run into an angry Aaron, who insisted that they at least patrol for a few hours. They'd spent the next few hours hunting demons. Well, it was all a part of Alec's hectic life now. His life as a shadowhunter had also been altered; it was no longer as difficult.

After spending most of his working life with Isabelle and Jace, it had been nearly impossible to adjust to the fighting styles of Miguel, Ziyi, and Aaron. There were a fair amount of differences, Alec had learned. They moved quicker, and they almost seemed to prolong the battles. Back home, it had been easier for the group of them to focus on killing it as fast as possible. They followed any precautions if they were necessary, but they were quick to kill it and call it a day, Jace being the rare exception to that rule. But Jace's way of prolonging the hunt mainly involved extending the adrenaline and taunting the demon once the fun was over.

The Australian hunters were so different; it was unnerving. Yes, they always aimed for the kill, but they were willing to wait for it. They didn't charge in immediately. Sometimes they waited to strike, others, it seemed, they wanted to let demons feel the pain of being stabbed for longer. It was very reckless, sometimes quite risky, but it was a lifestyle for them. With almost every Australian he met, they seemed rougher, and it was a pattern that kept with the shadowhunters. They were all perfectly reasonable – none of them were like Jace, as though the hunt was an amusing game for them – it was literally a part of how they grew up; the shadowhunters almost expected things to be rough and grim, and they acted as though it wasn't necessarily a problem.

The hardest thing for Alec was honestly just learning to adjust his own fighting style to match theirs. It presented a greater challenge than learning to cook mu shu pork or how to mix margaritas. In between everything else he was doing, it had presented a great challenge to him. But Alec remembered how he had often confronted challenges back home. When the problem seemed to great, he often retreated, trying to find an easier way to solve his problems. He refused to do that anymore. He was going to face his challenges head on. By now, Alec was pretty much on par with the Australian's fighting style. In many ways, it had become his style.

That night wasn't very hard on either man, as they had only actually found three demons, and they were nothing more than Ravenors. After about an hour looking for demons, but finding none, Aaron left for the Institute and left an even greater challenge than hunting demons to Alec: grocery shopping.

In many ways, it was a punishment for being so lax on his duties. After getting lost in the isles, Alec was forced to buy the food on his own, as well as carry them all the way back to the Institute. Then there was the problem of getting coffee for the Australians, who would likely end up forcing themselves to stay awake for a longer chat with the guests. Alec made a very strange sight in the end, carrying ten heavy bags as well as two full coffee cup containers.

And that was how he walked into the kitchen, right in the middle of a conversation between everyone else in the Institute, as well as the guests and Magnus. Izzy blinked, surprised, but Aaron and Ziyi smirked, taking only the coffee out of his hands.

Miguel whispered to him in Spanish "It's what you get."

Alec listened to the continuing conversation as he began to stock the shelves and fridge on his own.

"So you were saying?"

"Well," Clary continued, still sounding surprised at Alec's arrival, "We know from Magnus' contacts that this warlock is named Demetri Celior, and he was last known to be living in eastern Russia."

"Do you know what he wants? What he's trying to gain from any of his attacks?" asked Aaron. Isabelle shook her head at that.

"We're still not entirely sure. It could just be that he's some Downworlder who's not entirely satisfied with the order of things. You know, with the Council."

"That doesn't make sense," muttered Ziyi. "Why would he just start doing this years six years after the actual Council was formed?" They didn't have any answers.

"If you don't mind me asking," said Aaron, slowly, "why did the Clave insist upon you four coming?"

There was obvious hesitation amongst them now. It couldn't be that bad, Alec reasoned. Maybe…

"We think he's after Alec," Jace said bluntly. Isabelle, sitting down next to him, kicked him rather obviously. Alec just blinked, unable to say anything out of surprise.

"What?" he asked quietly, eventually managing to get the words out.

"We don't know that," Clary rushed to say. "When we fought him, he recognized Isabelle, and he said something about saying hi to her brother. We were kind of hoping that he meant, well, Max-"

"The stupid warlock wouldn't even make it into heaven," Jace muttered, so quietly that Alec almost missed it.

"But we have camera footage of him getting on a flight to Australia." The Australians had been looking more and more confused as the story continued.

"A plane?" said Miguel skeptically. Clary nodded. Ziyi, skepticism gathering in her face too, easily was able to list off some of the warlocks she knew to live in the area.

"Any one of them will tell where Celior is, if he's even here at all." She continued to look each of the guests in the eye as she spoke, refusing to back down.

Clary accepted this, and continued, "The Clave also thought it would be good for us to go after him because we knew what he looked like and how he fought. They considered sending more, but then Magnus offered to come with us, and that pretty much satisfied them." Ziyi nodded.

"The Clave doesn't consider this a major threat." It was a question and a statement, to which Clary confirmed that no, the Council didn't consider this much of a problem.

"We'll probably end up spending a few days here just tracking him," Magnus offered. It shook Alec to the core as he spoke. Throughout the whole conversation, Magnus had been silent. That ought to have been odd enough to Alec, but his voice sounded so different. It sounded much more solemn. Perhaps it was because he was bored (he certainly looked it), and Alec remembered painfully how Magnus had always spoken to him that way as their relationship had been coming to and end. As they'd slowly drifted apart, Magnus had slowly grown bored with him. Alec spent too long remembering the lowest part of his life, and he missed part of the conversation. The Australians were starting to head to their rooms, it being their time to sleep now. Alec fully intended to run off to his room, but he felt, rather than saw, Magnus leave the room.

He hesitated to leave, but then Isabelle called back to him. Alec turned, worried about what would happen. He walked back to the three of them, keeping a straight face.

"So," Clary started expectantly. "How's it been living down under?"

"It's… really different." It was hard to put it. "There's been a lot to get used to." They all looked at him blankly. "How've you guys been?" he offered lamely. Isabelle rolled her eyes.

"It's been different," she mimicked him.

Clary was smiling. "Nothing much happened since you left, except…"

Jace sat up, startled. "Nothing much? Clary-"

"I was kidding," she said, smiling as she did. She used her left hand to carefully brush a few hairs out of her face. Odd, because there hadn't been any hairs out of place-

"No way," Alec said slowly. "You... you two-"

"We've been engaged for two months now," Clary confirmed. Alec grinned at them, genuinely happy to hear the good news. It truly amazed him that, while he was becoming cruel and wicked to anyone who cared about him, Jace and Clary had been able to achieve such happiness. The knowledge made him feel filthy and ashamed in comparison. The best he could do was smile broadly at them. It hurt him inside and outside to do so.

"That's amazing," he said, attempting to instill four years of happiness into his soft, ashamed voice. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," said Jace. "Quite frankly, I feel I deserve it for asking Clary's mother beforehand." And Alec laughed at that. Clary's eyebrows crinkled as she scowled at Jace.

"She wasn't that bad. She was happy for us."

Jace opened his mouth, knowing he couldn't really piss off his fiancée. "Of course, dear." Clary rolled her eyes and turned back to Alec. "We don't really have much planned in terms of a wedding. It'll be easier, though, when this whole warlock business is cleared up."

"Speaking of-" started Isabelle, but Alec's instinct kicked in, screaming that he couldn't talk about it.

"How've things been going with you and Simon?" It was the best he could think of. Isabelle shrugged, attempting to look nonchalant.

"It's been pretty good for a while now. Sometimes we're on. Sometimes we're off," she hesitated, before adding, "And it's great when it is on."

"You now owe us two answers." So Jace had been keeping count? Alec raised his eyebrows and nodded for him to ask.

"What's up with you and Rodriguez?" asked Isabelle, who rolled the R's nice and long. Alec scowled.

"His name is Miguel."

"Does it matter? He's sexy and Spanish and apparently your new playmate." Isabelle's smirk widened into a smile as Alec glared at her. Some part of his brain wondered if his old self would have blushed.

"Miguel is just a friend." He said it as firmly as he could. He worried that he might start blushing, so he hastened to pull the large jug of vanilla milk out of the fridge.

"Really? 'Cause I can tell just by looking at him that he is en amor," she said with another grin. He rolled his eyes.

"The word is enamorado-"

"So you admit it?" asked Clary, who was also grinning at him now. Alec found that the teasing didn't necessarily embarrass him; he was actually rather annoyed.

"There is nothing going on with Miguel and I. We're friends; nothing more, nothing less."

"Then why was he so upset about the walking talking piece of glitter being here?" It was Jace who asked this time, and Alec just shrugged in response. He wouldn't have been able to control his voice if he'd answered. Before they asked him any more questions, he managed to choke out how it was really late, and he was getting tired. It wasn't a real lie, but if they hadn't intended to bring up Magnus, he would have pulled an all-nighter just to talk to them. He tried to back out of the room as quickly as possible.

"Alec, wait!" It was Isabelle. Alec turned cautiously.

"We're sorry about Magnus being here; we needed him to come with us."

"Okay."

Isabelle looked like she wanted to say so much more, and Alec couldn't exactly guess what. He looked into her dark eyes, surprised to see… almost an apology. What was she sorry for? Bringing Magnus? Not keeping in touch for years now? Alec was glad she didn't say anything though. If she openly said it, it would make their "faults" seem too real. Ignoring it would allow them to continue on now, as close family. It was easier to pretend there was nothing wrong when they were talking, trying to reconnect, though they wouldn't even admit they were doing that.

Alec said goodnight to his family, as Clary would soon be a part of it, and he headed off to his room, holding the jug of milk close to him, as if it would protect him from his internal demons. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to reconnect with his family. He wasn't ready to work to hide his new life from them. And he certainly wasn't prepared in the slightest to see Magnus again. So far, it had been sleep that had kept them from talking; thank the Lord for time zones. Alec could only pray that they didn't stay long enough to get used to it. He was getting tired of always thinking about his family and Magnus. He should probably be worried about this rogue warlock coming after him, but he couldn't muster up the energy to panic just yet.

He turned the final corner to his room to see Miguel and Magnus facing each other. Both of them looked furious at the other, as though they had been arguing. Damn it, Miguel, Alec swore to himself. A second after he had turned the corner, both men noticed him standing there, clutching the jug of vanilla milk. He let his hands drop to his sides. He wanted so badly to walk away, no, run away from the anger he felt in front of him; he was only looking at Miguel's surprised face, but he could feel anger leaking away from him.

Miguel spluttered to say something to him, and so, staring straight into Miguel's face, Alec hissed in Spanish, "Fuck off."

Miguel looked so hurt, and all the anger he'd had on his face a moment ago seemed to be returning. He glanced towards Magnus, then back to Alec. Alec's face hadn't changed, so Miguel walked away. Alec, set on getting into his room, was not going to let Magnus stop him. He walked quietly up to his door.

"Alec," he heard behind him. The voice made Alec stumble with the lock; it sounded soft, yet urgent. Alec was determined to ignore him, though if Magnus didn't back off he wasn't sure how long he would be able to keep that up. He continued trying to open the lock.

"Alec, wait," he said again, this time more urgent. He gently placed a hand on Alec's shoulder.

Too much.

Alec spun around, whipping the hand away from him. "Don't touch me!" he spat out. He turned around and rammed the door open with his shoulder. He rushed in and tried to slam the door, but Magnus already had a hand and a foot in the door. Alec scrambled to push the door shut anyways.

"Alec, please just hear me out." Alec grunted as he tried to push the door shut. When had Magnus gotten strong?

"NO!" Alec practically shouted. He threw all of his effort into shutting the door, and suddenly, it worked. The door slammed shut with all of the effort he'd been using to close it. Alec sank to the floor in surprise, not quite ready for the lack of effort coming from the other side. He was just about to sigh in relief when-

"Alec," a voice said with firmness and finality. Alec spun around and got to his feet in the same motion, leaning against the door for support now. Magnus was right there in his room.

"We need to talk."

AN: HA! This was for the person who called me evil! Muahahahahaha!

…

I guess you were right on that one. But hey, this story was over four thousand words; I'm back on track.

Please tell me what you thought about my dialogue. The marriage was spur of the moment on my part, but I suppose they had it coming. I'm not gonna lie to you though, I'm nervous about the confrontation myself.

That's all for now. Please review and I hope you enjoyed it.