Espérons Inutile

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare.

Chapter 4: Pas maintenant. Jamais

"Alec," a voice said with firmness and finality in his voice. Alec spun around and got to his feet in the same motion, leaning against the door for support now. Magnus was right there in his room.

"We need to talk."

Alec couldn't move. The sight of Magnus there, right in front of him, was far too unnerving. Alec's lips were frozen, as was the rest of his face. It was as if the sight of the man in front of him turned his entire body into jelly. He didn't want Magnus to scare him like this; had he not gained any confidence over the past six years? Considering it, Alec realized that, yes, he'd gained confidence over the years, but he'd grown soft. He required preparation for hard emotional times. Maybe this would have gone better if Miguel had told him before the sex that Magnus would be coming. Or maybe he could've have been told before his six, no, seven week boat trip. Know what? Magnus just should've told him six years ago when he'd broken up with Alec. Just a little heads up, I'll be visiting you in Australia six years from now. That would have been much more considerate.

But Magnus wouldn't have known that he'd be here. Alec wondered absently if Magnus had felt similar to the way he felt, hesitant to talk again, and if this trip really was an inconvenience for him. Magnus didn't look scared or worried. He just looked a little pissed off. Alec's natural mask had slipped on; he showed no emotion.

"I'm sorry for just barging into your life without notice-"

"Go away, Magnus," Alec breathed in a monotone. Magnus looked a little taken aback by Alec's sudden rebuke, but he shook his head.

"I really want to talk to you."

Alec stared at the floor, determined not to look at him. The carpet was grey and bland, and it partially kept Alec's poker face on. Except… the bland darkness was creeping closer and closer. Alec couldn't – he just couldn't – look weak or hurt in front of Magnus. Alec listened as Magnus huffed in exasperation, and he watched as little flecks of glitter fell to his grey, bland carpet. Alec frowned slightly.

"Look at me, Alec." His voice was soft and pleading. That helped a little. It reminded him of how Miguel had pleaded just a few hours ago. Of course, Miguel had been pleading for a very different reason, one that was much smaller in Alec's mind. Alec breathed in an out slowly, trying to regain himself. It didn't help that Magnus' scent was already diffusing through his room. No. No. Think of Miguel. And it worked, sort of.

"This really isn't fair," stated Alec. "You're fully rested and I'm exhausted." He heard a rustle of movement.

"Alec, I' not going to let sleep get in the way of us talking again," Magnus said determinedly. "We have to talk."

"About what?" he almost moaned.

"Why is Latina all pissed at me for being here?"

"Miguel?" Alec knew for a fact there was more to this confrontation the Miguel. "Just ignore him; it's easy." Those were the first words that Alec said that sounded easy and flowing; as if he had no problem whatsoever saying them. And that stabbed him in the heart, that his cruelty was so easy to him. This wasn't right! He wasn't like this! Even Magnus raised an eyebrow. He at least had the mercy to leave the subject alone. "Is there something you wanted to say to me?"

"A lot, to be honest."

"Please hurry. I'm really tired." Alec kept his voice very nonchalant. Magnus' face was softening.

"I remember how you always used to berate yourself for being so cruel," he said, as Alec felt a chill in his spine, knowing how Magnus could see right through him. "I don't blame you for it. He has it coming-"

"Why did you have to come?" Alec said rather loudly. It was an explosion of all the pain he'd been feeling since Magnus showed up, mixed in with the hurt of the past six years, and both were slowly seeping out.

"I was asked to come," Magnus insisted, standing his ground. "I-"

"Did you know I was here?" Alec demanded. His voice was just letting louder.

"No. And you know what?"

"I don't give a-"

"I still would have come, even if I'd known!" he shouted, desperate to assure he was heard above Alec. Alec's rage halted in its tracks, ready to race on if Magnus didn't get out of here soon. "Alec… I… I came here to say I'm sorry."

Alec said nothing. He felt nothing now.

"I've spent six years missing you. Needing you back. Regretting how I hurt you. Do you even know how I felt when I came to the Institute and Isabelle told me you were gone?"

Alec scowled at him. He felt annoyed at him now.

"I could never find you. I looked everywhere… you weren't even here when I came to find you!"

Alec raised an eyebrow. He felt like laughing at Magnus' failures to find him.

"I've spent all these years praying I'd find you. When I heard what the warlock said… Alec, I've never been so scared in all my life. Believe me, I had no idea why your sister picked Australia; you're the last person I expected to see come through that door."

Alec was loosing all feeling again.

"In eight hundred years… I've never been so… unnerved. I wanted this so bad. But, I wasn't ready."

Alec stood then, sensing that time was up. At least he had gained some security knowing that Magnus was as ready as he was.

"Go," he said, preventing Magnus from continuing. "We don't need to say anything now."

"Alec," Magnus said. Alec winced at how Magnus' voice caressed the word.

"Please. I'm tired and I'm as ready as you are to even speak again." At that, Magnus was struck dumb, unable to speak. Alec felt good at least knowing that his poker face was as good as Magnus'. "And, do you know what?" he spat at Magnus.

Magnus shook his head.

"I don't really want to hear about how bad you had it when I've spent the past six years always knowing you-" he stopped himself, because he knew if he went on, he wouldn't be able to stop from sobbing like a child.

"Alec," Magnus said quietly. "I am so sorry for what I did to you."

No. Alec looked at the warlock in front of him. He honestly looked like he meant it. Alec couldn't muster up the energy to feel anything towards him but guilt. Somehow, Alec managed to delude himself into thinking that this wasn't any different. This was just like how his nights went with Haal or Miguel, just with a bit more yelling. Alec would refuse whatever feeling was offered, and it wouldn't bother him. Okay, it might bother him, but he would ignore it. He had no doubts that it would be harder to ignore Magnus, but Alec felt more determined to push Magnus away.

"I can't hear this now." Alec shut off any feelings that might arise. He opened the door wide, gesturing for Magnus to go. Magnus tried to catch his eye, but Alec looked away. It was the same tactic he used on Miguel, but of course it wouldn't work as well now. Magnus stepped towards the door, but he placed a hand on Alec's shoulder. Alec stiffened as he felt Magnus lean in.

"I'm not going to give up on this. On us." Alec knew from the way he spoke that this was true. And would Alec be able to resist as easily as he had with the others?

Magnus left the room, and Alec pushed it shut behind him. He took a step toward the door, waited a few seconds, and let his head hit the door with a loud thud. He squeezed his eyes shut and brought his knees up to his chest. He curled up as tight as he could, as though forming such a tight ball would protect him from the outside world. It was as if no one could hear him.

So, only when no one could see him did he let himself cry.

-Break-

Isabelle was going over the names of the warlocks in Sydney that Ziyi had given her. She compared it with the notes she had taken in Zurich. She hated this mission – particularly all the pain it was causing her brother – but it was interesting for her to travel. Jace had told her about his adventures with his "father" throughout his childhood, he'd sometimes gloated, though Isabelle would never openly admit that she was jealous.

She couldn't help her awe though when they were in these new places. That was something she couldn't hide around Jace, no matter how hard she tried. She'd seen New York. She'd seen Idris. She'd even seen the inner halls of the Seelie Court. She shouldn't be amazed at simple mundane places, but she couldn't help herself.

Knowing how Celior had first lived in Russia, that was their first destination. That had probably been a rough way to start off their journey. It had set Isabelle in a harsh mood. Every minute they spent there, Isabelle could just feel her whole body start to freeze up. She'd just managed to get over it so she could appreciate the world around her. Then they were off to Africa, sent there on some tip from a Russian warlock. They wouldn't have believed it, but there had been at least four others who'd heard that Celior was traveling to Kenya. So they'd gone there. It was an issue that conflicted Isabelle; she couldn't decide which was worse, the cold Russian city, or the boiling heat of Africa.

It was hard to appreciate a new place when being there made you feel like you were in an oven the whole time. They'd stayed in Nairobi for most of the time, but they'd had to go out into the actual savannah a couple times so they could meet some of the local witch doctors (emphasis on witch). And, as cool as Africa had been (in all ways but temperature), after four weeks in the boiling sun, they'd determined that no one of the Shadow world has seen or heard of Celior being in the area, so they'd come back to New York.

At that time, it had been almost three and a half months since Celior had come to the Institute in New York, and they were all getting a little frantic. They were worried about Alec. Because, over time, Isabelle had forgotten the "where's," and she focused on the "why's". It didn't matter to her anymore where Alec had gone. All she wondered was why Alec had let the break up get to him. He could have stayed in New York. If he had, they would never have to endure any awkward silences. Alec wouldn't be sneaking around with Alejandro. And she didn't doubt that he'd be back with Magnus already. But no, she ad let it slip out of her mind, allowing the dilemma that was Alec fade into the back of her mind. She thought about him less and less; he no longer was a pressing issue.

But when it mattered the most, Isabelle couldn't find him. She was dumbfounded to know that none of them even knew where Alec was. They had all forgotten. And it scared her.

Out of sight, out of mind. That wasn't supposed to be true! It was wrong to think that she could forget about her only remaining brother. And perhaps that was why she couldn't speak to him now, because, every time she looked at him, a part of her feared that he knew that she had forgotten him. It would always scare her, and she would never allow it to happen again. That was pretty much why she had dragged the other three out to Australia without nearly enough explanation. She'd practically dragged herself here, because she knew she hadn't been quite prepared for the reunion with her brother yet. She needed time to come up with excuses, no, reasons as to why she had let herself forget Alec, but a part of her had panicked, remembering Celior's last words to them.

Isabelle shifted in her chair, and she felt the tight skin on her back twinge in pain. She was lucky that was all that was left. Magnus had pretty much saved her ass from the warlock's nasty burns, composed of many dark energies instead of simple flame. Whenever she felt guilty for rushing herself, her siblings, and Magnus into this reunion, she twitched just so she could feel the healing skin on her back, and she remembered that she had to protect her brother.

"You really should stop squirming," a voice said from behind her, though she could easily tell it was Magnus. She turned her neck slightly to look at him. "I'd rather not have to heal you again."

He looked tired, as though had hadn't actually been sleeping during the given hours. Isabelle noted how he seemed to be deflating. The spikes in his hair seemed to sag, and all the glitter that covered him seemed either to fall off too easily or shine in a way that reminded her of toys she'd kept as a little girl; they were dim, lifeless, and, well, not very magical. She scrutinized him carefully.

"It didn't go well." It was a statement and a question, although she was pretty certain of the answer. Magnus shook his head, confirming her suspicions. He didn't seem entirely defeated. It was like there was a part of him that would always stand tall and confident, no matter how much was thrown at him.

"It's going to get better though," Magnus said suddenly. Isabelle raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to make sure of it."

Was he trying to convince her of it? Or himself? God, she couldn't even tell.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't you dare try to… force him into anything Magnus."

"Couldn't even if I tried."

"I'm serious, warlock," she said, throwing anger into the words, trying to make them sound dangerous. "If you hurt him like you did last time, I swear… screw the Accords, I'll kill you. You will not hurt him again."

You sound like Mom, a voice said in the back of her head. And she did. She sounded confident and sure of her words, like a woman who'd seen all the horrors of the world and knew now how to scare them. But the voice that had rung through her mind had been just like Max's. And her insides had curled up, refusing to let it get to her, but letting her confidence fly away nonetheless. All she was left with was falsely strong words. Magnus didn't even seem to be afraid of them.

He nodded solemnly at her, understanding. "I'll probably end up killing myself if I hurt him like I did last time," he murmured in a voice so eerily quiet that she knew them to be true. She nodded back, silently taking that as a promise.

He reached out a hand. For a moment, she was infuriated and tempted to slap it away. Did Magnus deserve any pity? He'd been the one to end it, after all. This was like all those stupid reality TV shows she'd watched, full of people who didn't know a good thing until it was gone. She would never forgive Magnus for what he'd done to her brother. Magnus hadn't seen Alec curl up beneath his covers, silently shaking with sobs. He hadn't been there for his boyfriend when all Alec had been able to do was stare out the window, his eyes blank and voice nonexistent. He hadn't been standing beside Isabelle when the time came to wish Alec goodbye and good luck in Australia. What the hell did Magnus deserve? Isabelle hoped that Alec would never forgive him, and that Magnus would end up alone and devastated just like Alec had been.

Then she realized that Magnus was silently asking for the list of local warlocks.

And she handed it to him.

AN: Meh. That should be a word. I'm adding it to the dictionary now. The definition: a word of displeasure used when a great deal of effort has been expended and the result is severely lacking in comparison.

It means this story wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be. I really wasn't sure how exactly to approach the confrontation. Magnus had many different paths to take. I'm also kind of terrified whenever I take over Isabelle's POV. I don't know how to handle it yet. But it's not always what I say that counts. So PLEASE review if you can. It means the world to me. And the moon. And the stars. And a few more moons, because with reviews, I can steal them from other planets.

Sorry for taking longer than usual. I'm just trying to get over a rough spot. I'm actually about a third of the way into chapters six. I'm trying to sketch the whole thing out in my mind, but this spot is barely sketched out. Don't worry, though, the chapters after that are very colourful at the moment. I also kind of like the idea of people waiting for me to update this. It's fun.

I should say, the road map for this story is getting clearer and clearer, so I'm gonna do it in parts. I don't know how many, but it'll be easier for me to think of it that way. So, this first part is entitled Renaissance. It's French for rebirth. I'm thinking that this part will probably have thirteen chapters. Still, the story itself is gonna be much longer.

This has nothing to do with the story, but has anyone heard the song "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton? I'm trying to play it, but I've still got a lot of work ahead of me. I'm pretty much spending all my time on that. Oh, and researching for this story (If I tell you, is that a sneak peak?). So far, I've been looking into Satan and all that devil stuff (we're all screwed), the Salem witch trials (paranoid idiots), Medieval execution methods (Has anyone caught on?), and Sydney, Australia. It's really hard to write about these places I've never been to before. I've hardly traveled at all in my life, so I've pretty much been stuck in Ontario my whole life. *sigh*

Why am I ranting? Who knows. Anyhow, thanks for reading, and please review.

I hoped you liked this.