Espérons Inutile

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare.

Chapter 7: Pardonner et oublier

"Why are you so determined for us to get back together?" Alec asked, desperately trying to let his own confidence show. It would be incredibly easier to do if he had some.

"I told you, Alec," Magnus said slowly. "I've missed you so much, and I regretted hurting you. I really didn't know what losing you was going to feel like, and I can't count how many times I wish I had you back." He looked Alec straight in the eye. "I've never felt this way in my entire life. And it's been long."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Who else have you used that excuse for?"

"It's not an excuse, Alec," said Magnus. "It's the honest truth. I've wanted to tell you that for so long-"

"I'm sure you have." Alec didn't need this crap on his mind. "You've obviously been in so much pain since you left me."

"I made a mistake, albeit a huge one. I know you're mad at me; you have every right to hate me. I want to try and fix this." He reached out to touch Alec's hand, but Alec drew it back. "Don't you? For these past few years, I've been living with regret."

"I don't need anything from you," Alec told him quietly. "I've been living quite fine these past few years."

Magnus snorted. "I know; Isabelle told me. Apparently you guys ran into a bit of a hailstorm on your way to lunch," he said, making Alec wince at the pun.

"I don't see why everyone's so interested in the weather," Alec mumbled.

"Alec," Magnus said exasperatedly. "Really? Dating two guys at once, one of them a mundane? Are you sure you weren't hurt after we-"

"Yes, I'm sure!" Alec half shouted at him, suddenly filled with a desire to slap Magnus. "I changed, okay? People will do that as the years pass! Not everything I do is in relation to how I may or may not feel about you."

He couldn't handle Magnus judging him; Magnus had no right to do so. He couldn't let it bother him. He'd already dealt with Isabelle, Jace, and Clary asking him questions, and they had as soon as reality set in. It wasn't any easier to try and explain to them what the hell had been going on for the past five years. He wished more than anything that he could turn back the clock and undo the decisions he'd made. Alec wished more than anything that he could've been honest with Haal, and that he could've just rebuked Miguel from the beginning. In a way, he'd been doing the same thing as Magnus; regret had become a part of his life.

Magnus was clearly making an effort to stay calm. "You know something, Alec?" He received only a glare in return. "If I was anyone else, I wouldn't be able to recognize you. I'd give up right now because whatever remains of the person you used to be are gone." Magnus shook his head. "But I don't. I can see right through you. You're being so reckless… and stupid. If all of your new boyfriends saw the old you, would they recognize you then?"

"I should hope not."

Magnus reached out again, and this time, he held Alec's hand beneath his own. "I am the only one who can still see you through this façade. I know you like the back of my hand, probably better than you even know yourself. I know," he said, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I know you can find it in you to forgive me."

Alec closed his eyes. Once upon a time, he'd believed that as long as you couldn't see the world, no one else could see you. It was when he was little, and back then, it had felt like such a basic, solid truth. It was one of the golden rules; it came right beside, "Share your toys," and "Don't let Isabelle eat too much ice cream." For this moment, Alec could almost believe that was still true. Magnus couldn't see him.

Magnus could see him, though, inside and out. So Alec opened his eyes and looked sadly at the man he hadn't truly stopped loving in years. "I can't."

"Alec-"

"Magnus, please," Alec said, asking for his turn to plead. "I can't go back to who I was before. Sure as hell I'm not going to go back to pining after you all the time. If you don't talk to me, I won't bother talking to you."

"Are you saying there's a chance?" Magnus asked quietly, hopefully.

"I'm saying there's a maybe," he said, and as the words came out, he knew them to be true. "I was never going to be ready to see you again, and I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you or give you another shot." Alec couldn't remember the last time he'd known for certain what he was saying was true. Was it odd that it was only around Magnus that he had ever felt like that?

Magnus looked at him for a long moment. Alec was silently trying to tell him to go away and let him sulk. But Magnus wouldn't take it. Instead, he leaned back, pulling his hand away. He settled into his familiar slouch. Alec assumed he was trying to lighten the mood.

"You want my advice?" Magnus asked before continuing on anyways. "Ditch the arm candy. Seriously, it's no point keeping someone around if they completely bore you. It makes for terrible conversations at the dinner table."

"It's only one," said Alec. "I try not to think too far ahead with thoughts like that." Magnus grinned at him. Alec shook his head slightly before looking down at the almost forgotten book lying in front of him.

"May I ask you why date them?" said Magnus.

"You can ask," Alec replied curtly. After a few seconds, he looked up at the expectant green eyes. He just shrugged at Magnus, not knowing entirely what he should be saying.

"How about this Haal guy? What's so interesting about him?" Alec had to consider before answering.

"He's really nice." It sounded pathetic to Alec's own ears. Magnus snorted at him.

"You don't have to settle for nice, Alec," he said softly, yet with the same sort of confidant force that seeped it's way into everything Magnus said. "What about Rodriguez?"

"Isabelle already used that name." Magnus frowned.

"Javier?" Alec considered.

"Nope, it's all yours," said Alec, causing Magnus to smirk. "And his name is Miguel," Alec said forcefully.

"I think he called me Melvin earlier."

"Oh, you two would hit it off."

Magnus leaned forward, traces of humor forming in his eyes. "Just because he can whisper dirty things to you in Spanish doesn't make him the good choice."

"Well," said Alec. "Firstly, I don't believe there really is a good choice and bad choice here; there's just too much middle. Secondly, don't knock the Spanish. Can you do that? Oh, no, you don't speak Spanish. Shame… Ancient Greek just doesn't have the same effect."

Magnus frowned, cupping his had by his ear as if straining to hear something. "Did I just imagine you comparing him to me?" Alec could practically see Magnus' smirk, and Alec was trying desperately to keep from grinning himself.

"Get used to it. There's a lot I'm going to be thinking about," said Alec. Some part of his brain kind of liked Magnus' dislike of any comparison between him and Miguel, and Alec couldn't exactly keep the happiness out of his voice. He made a mental note to compare the two out loud more often.

"Honestly, Alec he's not even in my league," said Magnus, rolling his eyes as he did.

"He's a Latino."

"I'm magic."

"He speaks Spanish."

"I sparkle."

Alec tilted his head to the side slightly, raising an eyebrow.

"I win, naturally," Magnus decided, seeming satisfied.

"No, draw," Alec insisted.

"We'll see. Do you really think you're in love with him?

"I don't know if I'm not," Alec said slowly after a moment of consideration.

"So no," Magnus said, causing Alec to scowl. "How about sleet?"

"Haal."

"Let's stick with fairly mild weather, Alec. Do you love him?" Alec's scowl deepened for a moment, then he lightened up, a tiny smirk forming on his face.

"It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect," Alec said. It was Magnus' turn to raise his eyebrows, and Alec just shrugged at him.

"So you're in love with the weatherman?"

"On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably do or do not know if I shouldn't probably love him, if that indeed isn't how I don't feel. Even if I didn't feel the way I do, that would mean I'd really have to know if I don't love him."

Magnus stared. Alec grinned.

"You get a lot of sun down here, don't you?"

"Yep," Alec agreed. "Now come on, we have to start this research."

"I was actually going to meet up with another warlock to talk about these satanic legends," Magnus said, and Alec frowned.

"What about the reading?" he asked. Magnus was really walking a fine line here.

"There's plenty of shadowhunters here to help." Yep. A really fine line. Ten minute penalty for the flippant warlock.

"Should I count this against you?" Alec asked, keeping his voice fairly neutral.

"You will until you realize I'm right," Magnus said. Hmm… Alec didn't like how certain Magnus seemed that Alec would eventually forgive him.

"Uh huh," muttered Alec, letting his attention drift away from the warlock. He looked back down to the book, trying to read. He couldn't though, his mind was reeling. How was Alec supposed to take this? He'd been abandoned, shut out, left in the cold, you name it. He shouldn't want to forgive Magnus. Yes, he'd had five years to think about it, but that was as fast as blinking the eight hundred year-old warlock, so Alec didn't immediately assume he should move on. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but Alec was still waiting. He'd paid the price all these years, hurting over Magnus' mistakes.

No one could tell him what to feel, Alec realized then. If he wasn't ready to forgive Magnus, God damn it, he didn't have to. He wasn't ready to make it right with Magnus, as a part of him was still mad as hell at him for leaving. He could not just get over it. Maybe it was too late for Magnus to change Alec's mind, maybe it wasn't. Alec was not going to lose sleep over this. He wasn't going to doubt himself anymore. Forgive and forget went out the window a long time ago, and Alec was going to do the right thing for him. Magnus, Isabelle, Miguel – none of them could sway Alec's decision, because it was Alec's decision.

"Alec?" a voice called through his thoughts.

"Yeah?" Alec said without looking up from the book. He could feel Magnus' eyes on him, and his resolved wavered slightly. It was much easier to feel confident when the only person to persuade was himself.

"Do you still love me?" Magnus asked. Alec froze. My decision…

"No comment."

-Break

Alec often found himself needing to repeat that mantra. It was up to him how he felt. No one could tell him what to do.

As a whole week passed by, Alec was face with many attempts to sway him. There was always Magnus, as he was determined to gain Alec's forgiveness. Everyday Alec was faced with the prospect of talking with Magnus, sometimes with other people around, sometimes without.

Surprisingly, having different people around only changed things slightly. It would be slightly awkward, and Magnus would never bring up their relationship. There were only two exceptions. One was Isabelle, who would actually ask them how things were going (God, that girl had nerve). After a while, Alec had begun to suspect that Isabelle had known about Magnus' plans to try and get back together. And of course, being the "encouraging" sister she always was, she was determined for them to at least talk.

"Alec," she said to him late one night. "I know Magnus hurt you. You don't think I didn't catch your brief catatonic state? But, Alec, we both know that you were never happier than when you were with Magnus."

The second exception was Miguel, who could fill a crowded room with his own rage and jealousy. Alec and Miguel had had several arguments about this. It always seemed to revolve around Miguel's irrational fear of Alec leaving him. The way Miguel almost pleaded with him was… Alec couldn't that finish that sentence without feeling guilty. However, that feeling was nearly gone, as Miguel went overboard as usual. Their affair had always been safe. Miguel had at least had some reassurance knowing that Haal, his only competition, could never truly win over Alec, so there wasn't really any chance of Alec leaving. Now that Magnus was here however, he had reason to worry and panic. And it never helped Alec clear his head.

Because there was always the problem of Magnus. Alec never let him get any father topic-wise than he had gotten on that first afternoon, but there seemed to be a growing familiarity between the two. They joked around (sort of), they worked together on the case, and Alec would spend less and less time defending Miguel whenever Magnus got his name wrong. Alec always had the walls up; he never let Magnus get too close. Really, the only thing Alec had to hide behind in their confrontations was the steadily growing case.

Ah, the case. It just got better and better.

"From what I've gathered," Magnus told the shadowhunters. "We are actually dealing with a follower of Satan."

There hadn't been one non-skeptical look in the room. Ziyi had been the one to state her disbelief out loud.

"Celior was always looking into these legends. He was determined to find out what he had to do to fulfill his part in Satan's ascent.

"Now, about fifty years ago, he disappeared off the face of the earth. Nobody knew where he'd vanished. No one really cared that much, now that I think about it. But anyways, after fifty years of being practically nonexistent, he suddenly reappears."

"So we don't have any information on where he was for all those years?" asked Aaron. Magnus shook his head.

"But on the bright side, we know that he's back and out there somewhere," said Magnus.

"Why is that good?" asked Isabelle. Magnus' eyes seemed to flicker towards Alec before he answered.

"He isn't here."

There hadn't been any good leads to where this warlock actually was, and they weren't any closer to figuring out what he wanted. Everyone, Alec included, had spent plenty of time researching the topic of Satan's cage. To Alec, every legend seemed to be just that, legends. He'd always known about demons, but the idea of the devil existing seemed quite ridiculous.

Reading about these legends wasn't helping them with anything. They had no idea where he was, what he wanted; it particularly made the shadowhunters anxious that there was no apparent reason as to why he'd attacked the Clave. They spoke with several other local warlocks, but they'd never been able to get anything useful.

However, with each passing day, Alec's family became more adjusted to the Australian time. They'd spent longer periods of time talking about what had been going on in New York since Alec had left. Their parents hadn't changed their routine much, so they seemed to talk more with Isabelle and Jace, paying a bit more attention than they might have usually have. Alec deeply suspected that they didn't want to lose another child, not after Max leaving and Alec putting an ocean's distance between himself and home. Of course, by then, Alec had been highly consumed with guilt yet again, so he never told them the details of life in Sydney.

Life had that habit of bending into a routine, and there was no exception here. Talk to family, go hunting, deal with Haal, deal with Miguel, talk to Magnus, sleep. It was only natural for him to find that pattern and stick with it. And so far, everything seemed to go according to plan. Until one night, he went to bed late, as he'd actually been reading one time instead of speaking to Magnus. So reading worked it's way into that night's schedule. Not a problem, just that he'd spend a little less time sleeping. It wasn't actually a problem.

Alec lay in bed, thinking about his life and what it had become. He closed his eyes.

And opened them again. He sat up straight, looking around his room. Something felt out of place in the dark, as if someone was here.

He looked around again, then decided to turn on the lamp. He reached to pull the switch, and the light blasted throughout the room. He turned just in time to see the dark shape retreating out the door. Predator instincts kicked in and Alec ran after it. He didn't grab any weapons, or even shoes, he just knew he had to follow it.

He dashed down the hall, determined to catch that… thing. He couldn't discern what it was, even though he could plainly see the moving shape. He ran along the halls, out into main foyer. The beast ran out the doors, though Alec hesitated. Was it really smart to leave the Institute in the middle of the night? He looked down at his bare feet, knowing how stupid it would be. He saw a candelabra standing near the open doors, considering whether or not it would prove a good weapon.

And then he heard it. It was a long, feral growl that echoed throughout the grand hall, though it clearly came from outside. At that, Alec didn't hesitate to run out into the night. As soon as he was out, he felt the rush of cool air attack his skin. He looked around at the city street before him. It was odd how everything seemed to blur as he looked at it.

Was this… a dream?

It hit Alec hard and fast. He felt the immediate tug on his leg and everything was gone. The thing was pulling him along with it. Alec couldn't even cry out as he moved at what he knew to be an impossibly fast speed. He tried to discern shapes in the endless dark mass around him, but it was impossible. He couldn't even cry out, knowing that no one would hear him.

Something seemed to click in Alec's mind. He had to get rid of this thing. It was now or never, because he had no idea what this thing wanted. So he pulled. He fought and struggled against the thing that had it's grip on his leg, but it was very hard. He tried lashing out with his other foot, and it worked. Sort of.

His foot made contact with the thing, and Alec heard… almost a bark. And he was free. He flew through the air, hitting the ground with an earth-shattering crash. He stood up. It was so bizarre. Alec couldn't feel anything that was happening. Shouldn't he be in absolute pain right now?

He looked around. Oddly, the world was still a great, black mess. Wait... was that a door? Yes… Yes it was!

A door, a shack, a small cottage stood in front of him, not boasting of anything, simply casting a very intimidating aura. Instinct told Alec that he shouldn't approach this door, but suddenly he wasn't in control of the dream. He found his feet striding up to the door. Should he knock?

Apparently that wasn't necessary, as his own hand reached out and pushed the door open. There was even more blackness inside it, but he saw a glimmer of light coming from inside the house. Reason kept his feet from moving now.

Was it really smart to go into this unknown house? He didn't know who lived there, and they might not take kindly to him barging in. But maybe they could help him. They had light…

That settled it for Alec. He walked in.

A cold room. No shapes.

Turn to the right. Light… reaching out to it…

A chair. A person…? A v-v-voice…

"Hello, Alec."

Panic. Run. Paralyzed.

Handsome face, actually. Brown curls. Dark eyes. Too dark. Too dark…

Run.

Help.

Move.

"Help… me…"

Laughter. Cruel laughter.

The feel of the rug rushing up to meet him…

Footsteps… RUN, ALEC!

Looking down at him.

Too dark… no more darkness…

Burns on his forehead.

Evil smile.

A tear.

Forehead…

666.

Alec awoke with a start. He was panting hard, sweat oozing from all of his pores. God, that had been a horrible dream. Alec closed his eyes, placing his head in his hands. It was all this devil research that was getting to him. Of course it was easy for Magnus, who had told them how he'd grown up with a religious lifestyle, to simply accept all this, but perhaps it was too much for Alec to handle while his word was spinning.

What had that number been about? He strained his mind to remember where he had read about that number.

"No one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him who has the understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is a number of man: His number is 666."

Alec could remember it word for word now and was not surprised. It was straight out of the Bible (Revelations, maybe?) and it spoke of the Devil and the mark he would give all of his followers. Wait. Followers?

And suddenly Alec knew who the man in his dream had been. Unbelievable as it seemed, Alec had just dreamed about Demetri Celior, the very man they were hunting. Alec quickly tried to remember the facial features, but they slipped away from him as though his mental fingers were made of butter. Alec swore. He remembered then the feeling of paralysis that had gripped him in his dream. It was a terrible feeling. Just to make sure he could move now, Alec scrunched his toes up.

And he froze.

Alec looked around, eyes wide.

He was in the middle of the Australian outback. There was no shack in sight.

There was another mental click, and Alec realized that this was a true desert. He was in an Australian desert. In the middle of February. Wearing nothing but pajama's.

The sun peaked over the horizon, a red fireball set against the endless landscape.

AN: Ooh, cliffy. Fun.

My God this was so hard to write. It came to me in microscopic bits and pieces, but I somehow managed to string it all together. Well, it passes the usual length, and I covered all the bases. See, from here on out, I really want to put something in my chapters. An actual, significant event that adds to the plotline. Well, I'll try.

I have to say, I am really sorry about the long wait. I know a lot of the stories I'm reading have stopped at about six or seven chapters (I would never point fingers) but I'm letting you know now that I refuse to let that happen to this story. You have my word, and because I'm a writer, that should mean something to you. What have I been doing since I last wrote? Well, the only genuine excuse for not updating is camping for a few days. Other than that, it's been getting used to the new schedule, and watching Shut up and Sing over and over. It's that documentary about the Dixie Chicks. Oh yeah, since I last updated I've gained a sort of addiction to the Dixie Chicks. There's a couple paragraphs in here that were inspired from the song "Not ready to make nice." See if you can pick them out.

I'm even more sorry for not mentioning this in the last chapter, but thank you so much to the people who listed the Spanish names and to those who gave me some info about their city. I'm slowly being filled with a longing to travel to this city. Maybe I'll find the Institute.

I don't know if I'll be revisiting Sydney at this point, 'cause now it's all about the desert. Yes, I've gained a great interest in the country as a whole now, and I've discovered these great deserts, so they're here. Aussi, I actually did quote the Bible here (though I'm not sure I have the words exactly right). I'll try to keep away from a lot of the religion based stuff, but whenever I do have to bring it up, bear in mind that I really only know about my religion: Christianity. But let's not get into religion. Again, I'll keep away from it. Too controversial.

Thanks for reading, and if you have fingers, you should review. Because I love you. Kidding. ;)

How about this… review and Alec will be spared from the dangers of the Great Sandy Desert.

Show your love for Alec! Review!

Again, thanks for reading.