Espérons Inutile

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare.

AN: I feel compelled to put this here. I just want to warn everyone of some foul language in this chapter. Kiddies, do not repeat anything you read.

Chapter 11: Tuez les innocents

The world was made of silk. Alec breathed in the soft surface, so grateful that it was warm. The soft sheets covered his entire body, leaving him quite content. The arms that wrapped around him also felt like silk. They were so soft against his bare skin, and they offered nothing but warmth to his body. Alec was falling in love with that feeling.

The smell of Satsuma wafted around him, only making him feel happier and sleepier. God… he was so tired. As the smell made it's way his brain, he also felt another twinge in his stomach. It was… lust. He needed to be close to someone. And that was where the arm came in. He smiled to himself as he let the warmth from the arm radiate throughout his body

But was that what he really felt? Alec shifted slightly, and everything changed.

The silk was freezing. Alec's body may have been running a very uncomfortable fever, but the silk sheets began to feel like ice against his skin, and pulling them closer only made it worse. He tried to move closer to the body laying beside him, trying to get warm, but the body was too warm. It was like lying down in a bonfire, when the heat from Alec's body was no more than that of a lit match.

Alec opened his eyes and slowly pulled away from the arm, letting it fall back down to the bed. He was in a small bedroom, a railing at one side. Alec looked up at the slanted ceiling, seeing the moonlight from above shining through. That's funny, he thought. It had been pouring before. Alec shook his head, as though shaking it could order his cluttered thoughts.

He looked back over at the bed, seeing Magnus lying there. That had been the warm body. Now, the sheets only came up to Magnus' shoulder, but Alec knew that Magnus was just as naked as him.

And Alec was disgusted as he remembered what he'd done. He had caved. He had fallen for Magnus, and thrown caution to the wind. He had offered himself up for Magnus, and, of course, Magnus had taken him and used him. Alec hated Magnus for doing that (for doing him), but he hated himself more for wanting it and asking for it and taking it.

Still feeling disgusted, Alec quietly but quickly walked down the stairs and back out to the living room. Where were his clothes? Oh, he'd put them on the chair. Alec felt them to make sure they were dry. They were a little damp, but they were dry enough to last him a walk back to the Institute. He pulled on the damp clothes in the darkness, feeling a shiver as the wet material covered every part of his body. Well, after last night, he deserved to freeze. Even though it was summer, it would still be chilly at night. As he past the stairs, Alec looked up.

Why, Magnus? Why did you let me do this? Alec rushed to the door, opening it quickly and stepping out. As he walked out, he couldn't help but shut the door with a little force. Aware that Magnus might have heard it, Alec started to run back along the hall. He rushed down the hallway as it slowly turned into a blur. It was almost as if he was detached from his body. It was someone else's body that ran along the still lit hallway, shaking with sobs.

-Break-

If the hallway wouldn't let him keep crying, the night would. As Alec stepped out the front doors of the hotel, the chill of the streets around him forced upon him the chill of the salt water falling down his face. It was as though small pieces of ice littered Alec's cheeks. And that only made Alec cry harder. He put his face in his hands, hating himself for his mistakes.

And as soon as he could catch his breath, Alec began walking down the streets, letting himself cry as he walked. He thanked God that Sydney was so much quieter in New York. At whatever-it-was in the early morning, the streets of Sydney were mercifully quiet. Yes, there were cars on the road, but not as many as there were in the day, and not enough to illuminate the tears streaking down Alec's face. One way these streets compared to New York was how no one could give a damn about the young man who was sobbing as he walked along the street.

How could Alec have been so stupid? He felt like such an idiot. It hadn't been Magnus' fault this time. Alec had initiated the act, and now that his mind was clear, Alec couldn't understand why he'd been so stupid. He knew what Magnus wanted, and he knew that he still had some feelings for Magnus. But he also knew that he was already playing two guys. He knew that he was a total ass these days. Why had he gone and done something so stupid?

A thought struck Alec then, as he considered how Jace had seemed distant from Alec ever since the four of them had come to Sydney. Alec knew then that he had changed. It had taken five years and the return of his siblings for him to realize that he had changed into a sick, sadistic, bastard. He took people for granted, used them for his own pleasure, and then what? He'd told Haal he loved him out on that boat yesterday, and then? He'd gone out with Magnus and, to add a cherry on top, he slept with him. Alec was a horrible person, and a part of him knew he would be punished for these mistakes tenfold. If not by someone else, then Alec would punish himself.

For, after whoring himself out to Magnus, what was Alec supposed to feel? Was he supposed to feel all mushy, like he'd been reunited with Magnus after all this time? No. He felt like a dirty slut.

He couldn't put his finger on exactly what was making him cry. Maybe it was knowing that he had become a real whore since he came here. But he also knew that, if he had to choose between Miguel, Haal, or Magnus, he would choose sex with Magnus. And he felt so guilty for using the other two, because neither or them knew how immediate or definite that decision was. Haal didn't even know Magnus existed. So how was it fair that the moment Alec had the opportunity, he found himself kissing every part of Magnus he could reach.

Magnus at least could've stopped him. But no, he'd let Alec continue on, graciously accepting Alec when he offered a blowjob and accepting Alec's offer when he offered up the rest of his body for Magnus to use. It was bullshit! Magnus had used him. Alec had offered himself up, like a slut. But Alec had wanted it just as much as Magnus. Then what was wrong?

It was guilt, plain and simple. Alec let the memories of Haal flash by his eyes. Talking, laughing, singing Billy Joel together; there was so much good feeling that came with Haal and all of those memories. So why wasn't it enough for Alec? Why did he have to cheat and sleep with other men to feel something?

What if he had to choose between Haal and Miguel? Alec had been offered multiple times to choose, and he simply refused to make the decision. He let it slide by, thinking that there would always be other chances. And now that he was offered the chance to forget both Haal and Miguel, and to be happy again with Magnus, what would Alec choose then? He didn't know. He didn't want to deal with Magnus and all the emotional problems that came with him.

He could run. And at that thought, the tears stopped falling from Alec's face. He had run once already, and where had that gotten him? But no… the idea of running was soothing. It offered a world of possibilities in which Alec could leave behind all of his worries. And this time, he would not make the same mistakes. He would not offer his heart or body to anyone else. If he was approached by anyone, he would refuse, because love, lust, and friendship were all feelings to be taken for granted. Alec would waste more opportunities, and he would break someone else's heart. Maybe he would even break his own again.

It was pathetic, the idea of running from his problems. It made him look like a total chicken, but Alec's mind was already buzzing with the thoughts of running. He could run to China, some place where Cantonese was spoken by all of the people. He wouldn't exactly blend in there, or anywhere in Asia for that matter, but it was a start. And if he went to China, he already had the prospects of finding some sort of culinary job in a city. Or he could retreat to the rural countryside, and find some sort of work at a farm.

Or he could run away to Spain. He spoke enough Spanish to live there, and he could again find an assortment of possible jobs. Yes… he would go to Spain first. Get himself started up. But of course, anywhere in Europe was far too close to Idris. So he would slowly make his way farther from Idris. He would have to start close though… from Spain, he could go to Italy, or Germany. He would have to find somewhere to learn either language, but he was prepared to if it meant he could run. If he went through France and to Italy, he could take a boat to Greece or Turkey. Another matter of learning languages there, but he was prepared to. That route south could take him… well there was another problem. The farther south he went, the more Alec looked foreign.

If he decided to stay around the Mediterranean though, he would have to invest in a tan or something. And he could wear contacts, and let his hair go wild with curls. But for someone who hadn't given much interest to clothing and appearances for all of his life, the idea of constantly having to change his appearance to blend in seemed too tiresome.

Now if he went to Germany, he could slowly make his way north. This was the riskier route, as it would take him closer to Idris. But if he made his way through Poland and Belarus up to Russia. Now there wouldn't be a problem with how he looked there. He knew that he was treating the matter of learning these various languages with too much lax, but he had confidence he could learn to adapt. And anyways, Russia was huge. He wouldn't bother learning multiple Russian dialects, but he could just learn the official language. And once he had done that, he had all of Russia to hide in.

He didn't even have to be Alec Lightwood anymore. He would go by Sasha, not Alec or Alexander… and then he simply had to find a surname to hide behind. This time, no one would find him.

"Alec!"

As soon as the voice penetrated Alec's silence, he found himself split into two separate entities. There was his body, which kept on moving at the same quick pace. And then there was his mind, which refused to listen to anything Magnus may have said. He was too broken to let anything break him anymore tonight. He couldn't do it. His heart was already in a million pieces, so how was he supposed to defend himself? He just wanted Magnus to go.

But… if Magnus accepted that, would Alec even have the strength to watch him go?

With that thought in mind, Alec stopped walking and turned to look at Magnus. He looked very ruffled, as though he'd just grabbed jeans and a T-shirt as soon as he woke up to find Alec gone.

"Why-" Magnus began, but he saw Alec's face, and at that moment, they both knew it.

"How could you do this?" Alec asked him, anger causing his voice to shake slightly. He watched as anger infiltrated Magnus' poker face.

"You wanted it," he said bluntly, truthfully.

"You should have stopped me." And Magnus should have. It would've spared Alec all this pain. It would've saved him the trouble of running away again. Alec really hoped Magnus didn't speak Russian.

"Why can't you just accept this?" Magnus asked, frustrated. "You know you'd rather be with me than anyone else. Why do you insist on running away from me every time we get close?"

"I can't be close to you again," said Alec solemnly. He looked Magnus straight in the eyes.

"Alec, I love you," Magnus said, shattering Alec's nerves completely. Now Alec really wanted to run. "Now I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me."

Well that was impossible. It was impossible to look away from Magnus bright eyes. It was impossible to get anything out, because Alec's voice seemed to have vanished entirely. And, even if his voice was working, it would have been impossible for Alec to have said that he didn't love Magnus. Because he couldn't say he loved Magnus.

Alec's mouth just hung open, unable to say anything. After a moment, Alec shut his mouth and his eyes, determined to at least gain some grip on his emotions. He was nowhere near ready to confront his feelings for Magnus, and no amount of friend dates could change that. What Magnus had done… was irreversible. Alec heard footsteps.

He opened his eyes to see Magnus stepping backwards away from him.

"Don't think you can run from me, Alec," he said, still firmly, but softer this time. "I will get an answer."

Alec just stood there, unable to say anything yet. He had to turn away and start walking then, just so he wouldn't have to see Magnus walking away. And as Alec walked, he let the tears fall down his face.

Everything would have turned out differently then if that moment had simply continued. Alec could've kept on walking, kept on running, and he would be in Russia within a few months. But that was not the case.

For, as Alec walked, some unknown force hit his side and sent him flying. He cried out, loudly, as he was flung out into the middle of the street. Not for the first time, he thanked God that this wasn't New York. The lack of traffic had probably saved Alec's life.

"ALEC!" he heard Magnus shout. Alec looked up at where the force had come from. And he was shocked at what he seemed.

"Deimus," Alec murmured, recognizing the warlock they had spoken to… weeks ago. The warlock had seemed crazy. Maybe this proved it.

"Kill the Lightwood boy," Deimus said in an eerie monotone. Alec's eyes widened, trying to remember the harmless man they had met weeks ago. He couldn't see that now. All he saw was a man hell bent on murdering him.

"Not a chance!" shouted Magnus as he sent a bright blast of blue flame at the warlock. Deimus deflected, only barely, Alec noted. Maybe there was a chance he could be stopped easily.

Magnus sent another bout of magic at him, this time a much more solid-looking blue lightening bolt. Deimus deflected again, though he seemed to struggle a bit more with this one. As Alec watched magic of varying shades be exchanged between the two warlocks, he felt something nudge his thigh. He looked down to find a seraph blade strung on his belt. He pulled it out of the sheath he had it in and looked up again. If he could just get the warlock with it… the seraph blade could kill him.

Alec quietly said the name of the blade, then stood up. He slowly moved forward, right as Deimus sent a particularly strong bout of magic at Magnus. Magnus wasn't quite able to defend himself, and sparks from the attack landed on his arm. He cried out in pain, clutching his arm. Alec took that as his cue to attack, and he rushed forward. He just barely registered that Deimus hadn't moved when Magnus cried out:

"ALEC, RUN!"

Alec looked at him in confusion… until he saw the car. He was forced to jump between the two warlocks to avoid the car, which swerved madly at the sight of a man walking around on the road. Alec landed on his back, the blade being forced out of his hand. He looked up straight into the face of Deimus, who held a bolt of magic in his palm. He made to strike Alec with it, but a shower of blue flames shot at him before he could shoot.

Alec took that opportunity to get up and dash around Deimus. He made to attack Deimus from behind, but another force of magic hit him. He was sent sprawling again, but he jumped as quickly as he could. Deimus was facing him, and he held his arm out, prepared to strike. And he did.

The bolt of magic moved slower than the others, giving Alec enough time to move out of the line of fire. He was satisfied with the move for three seconds. When they ended, he heard the cry of agony from behind him. Alec turned to see two things: the driver who had very nearly run him over had pulled over and gotten out. He also saw that the driver had been hit by Deimus' attack. It only took Alec one more second to see who the driver was.

…the worst luck in the world…

Haal. No. Not him. Alec reached out, as though he could touch Haal from this far away.

"No," said Alec, the word barely escaping his lips. He didn't know what he would have done then, just that Deimus had taken advantage of Alec's stillness. Alec felt the blow of magic send him flying again. And he hit the ground, rolling for a moment before he came to a halt. Less than three feet away from Haal.

Alec didn't bother to listen to the last few shots beings fired. He knew Magnus had defeated Deimus, but Alec didn't care. He had gotten Haal hurt. He had…

No.

"No," Alec sobbed, for tears were indeed falling. He grabbed Haal's shoulders and shook them. "Wake up!" he shouted, as though that would work.

"Alec-"

"NO!" Alec screamed at Magnus. "Wake up!" he sobbed again, still shaking Haal. Haal wasn't moving at all. His eyes were shut, and Alec had the terrible feeling that they would never open again. He sobbed harder.

"I'm so sorry," Magnus murmured softly behind him. Alec shook his head, knowing Magnus had no idea how much this hurt.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," insisted Alec, as though his trembling words could undo the effect the magic had had on Haal. "He wasn't supposed to know about… any of this."

Alec felt himself overcome with sobs again. Through the blur caused by the tears, Alec could easily see that Haal was either dead or almost there. His skin was pale sallow, and he could see where he had been burned. The black scorch marks ran up Haal's arms and just reached his still face.

"Alec," he heard Magnus say more insistently beside him. "We have to get out of here before someone sees-"

"No!" Alec shouted, desperate. "We can't go- I can't-"

Can't what? Alec wanted to ask himself.

I can't go on knowing that I killed him. And that hurt even more, just knowing the truth. He was shaken to the core and heartbroken to know that Haal was going to die because of him… but it hurt even more just feeling the guilt that came with killing Haal. He reached out and gently stroked Haal's burned cheek.

And he suddenly remembered something. He remembered when he had been burned from head to toe, and Magnus healed him. If he could heal Alec…

Alec looked up at Magnus. "Can you heal him?"

Magnus pulled on a poker face at the question. "Alec, I really don't think I-"

"Please," Alec begged. "You have to try."

"I don't have to do anything, Alec. And anyways, he's a mundane! I doubt he can take the magic necessary to heal him."

"Magnus, please," Alec sobbed, looking Magnus straight in the eyes. "For me."

Magnus looked at him long and hard, before saying, "All right. But I won't forget this."

Alec nodded, eager for him to just help Haal. Magnus knelt down beside the body and reached out with his palms. Instantly, blue light began to descend from the tips of his fingers. Magnus quietly asked Alec for a bit more room, and Alec backed off. He watched from a few feet away as Magnus slowly weaved his fingers in an odd fashion, as though he was speaking with some sort of sign language. Alec forced himself to take deep breaths as he watched Magnus healing Haal.

It seemed as though an entire lifetime had passed before Magnus pulled back from Haal and turn to Alec. "He's fine."

Alec could see the effect Magnus' magic had had. Haal looked so much better now, with the burns gone and his skin the right colour again. He looked strong and vital. Alec took a deep breath, then moved to kneel beside Haal as well. After Magnus had healed him, Haal looked as though he could be sleeping.

"Thank you," Alec breathed quietly, and he looked up at Magnus. There was something in Magnus eyes, but Alec didn't have the energy to place it.

Magnus had said he wouldn't forget this, and Alec knew he would end up repaying him. Some part of Alec knew he should be worried about that, but he didn't want to get confused in his own thoughts again. Instead of thinking, or saying anything, Alec simply leaned in closer to Magnus and kissed him.

There really wasn't much to say about it. It was short, sweet, and Alec simply tried to express how grateful he was to Magnus and that he wasn't at all mad at him. Yes, Alec did feel a multitude of other sensations as well, but he just wanted to focus on the thank you. He pulled away after a couple of seconds, turning back to Haal.

"I'll have to take him back to his place," Alec decided out loud, and he ruffled through Haal's pockets as he searched for his car keys.

"Will you be able to?" Magnus asked. "Last I remembered you couldn't even drive."

Alec laughed quietly to himself, and looked up at Magnus. Their eyes met for a moment, and in that moment, Alec knew that Magnus had understood him. Alec smiled.

"I'll be fine."

Magnus nodded. He looked as though he wanted to say more, but the only thing he said was, "I'll see you later then." And he walked off.

Alec sighed, knowing that his situation with Magnus was far from over. He looked back at Haal's vital form. There were no words to describe Alec's relief that Haal was all right. Was Alec happy though? He didn't know. He was still tired. Too much had happened too quickly, and he just needed to calm down and breath.

That being said, Alec lifted Haal up and deposited him into the back seat of his car. Alec got in the front, hoping the drive to Haal's place would be calming enough for the next morning.

-Break-

Alec pushed open the door to Haal's apartment, glad to have made it up here without being noticed. He didn't quite know how he'd explain why he was carrying Haal around like this at four in the morning. He carried Haal into the room, pulling him down the hallway to the bedroom and laying him down on top. As he carefully laid Haal out, he saw him move slightly, unconsciously recognizing the feel of his own bed. Alec smiled to himself at this sight.

He had far too many memories of this bed, which was quite large. He sighed, unwilling to remember half of those nights right now. Instead of thinking, Alec just sat beside the sleeping Haal and play with his hair, gently twisting the light hair of his lover.

Not thinking actually worked out quite well, as after a while of simple silence, Alec looked up at the clock on Haal's bedroom wall. It read 5:02. Alec sighed, knowing that he would probably not get any sleep tonight, and that he really should stay here to make sure Haal was okay.

Beneath him, Alec heard a quiet gasp break the silence. He looked down to see Haal, eyes open. He didn't exactly look awake, as his eyes weren't focused enough to truly be awake.

"Alec," Haal gasped. He looked as though he as drowning, and he was desperately trying to reach out for a lifeline. Alec gripped one of Haal's hands tightly and placed a hand along the side of his cheek.

"I'm right here," Alec assured him softly. "I won't leave you."

But that didn't seem to calm Haal down. He still looked so frantic, and he kept repeating Alec's name desperately. Alec tried to soothe him, but something seemed very wrong.

Suddenly, a loud thud echoed through the apartment. Alec froze. There was no one else in here. Right? He turned to the bedroom door, half expecting someone to jump in. His sense were buzzing with the nerve and anticipation. He slowly stood, taking slow steps toward the door.

"Alec!" Haal shouted behind him. Alec spun around, surprised by the coherency with which Haal spoke. But he was shocked by the sight that greeted him.

Deimus de Neige stood over Haal, a dark blade lined up against his chin. Alec's eyes widened. The warlock didn't even look as though he had been injured recently, let alone killed. At the very most, he looked tired and angry. Well, that kind of darkness might not be anger, but determination. Anyone could make that mistake when the determined warlock's goal was murder.

"Shut the door," he told Alec quietly. Alec glanced back down at the blade, knowing he had no choice but to give in. As he tried to close the door while keeping his eye on the warlock, he started coming up with a plan to escape. It only lasted a few seconds, as he looked at the blade that was so close to Haal's throat.

As soon as the door was shut, the warlock beckoned for Alec to come closer again. He did so, wondering if he could grab the blade fast enough to knock it out of his grasp. Alec looked up at the warlock then, staring him straight in the eyes. After a moment, a crooked smile began to form on the warlock's face.

And Haal went flying. Alec cried out, but that was all he had time to do as Haal was lifted up into the air and a long strand of golden light wrapped itself around his throat.

"Don't-"

"I won't kill him," the warlock said slowly. "But only if you do exactly as I say." He waited for Alec's nod before continuing. "Take off your shirt."

Alec froze in surprise, but when he saw the magic tug upwards on Haal's neck, he quickly did as instructed.

"Now lie on the bed." There wasn't any hesitation this time. He kept his eyes locked on the warlock as he moved to stand over Alec. He slowly reached out a hand and placed it on Alec's chest. Alec stiffened at the contact.

There was something in his eyes… he looked as though he was searching for something. Alec strained his ears to listen as he heard the warlock muttering something.

"Well, he wasn't wrong."

Those quiet words were the last thing Alec heard before Deimus' hand retracted quickly and the dark blade plunged into Alec chest; the warlock had been searching for, and had hit Alec's heart.

There was a moment of silence as Alec gasped. Some part of his fading mind thought to look for Haal, but a hand wrapped around his chin, forcing it upwards. A bottle was placed between Alec's lips. Then a wrist. Both times, a liquid trickled down his throat. As the wrist was removed, the face of the warlock looked down at Alec, who continued to stare at him as the life slowly left his body.

"Magnus…"

AN:… hee hee. Well, I've become totally evil now. Don't know if you noticed (Or if it's right), but the chapter title meant "Kill the innocents". I'm not sure if I just did.

I almost feel kind of sorry for this cliffhanger. I wanted to keep going (I would've had to if I wanted to keep Renaissance at thirteen chapters), but something was urging me to leave it be. Besides, you should be happy about this. I updated.

I'm sorry for all the Alec angst at the beginning. He just loves to go on and on and on and on and on and on... but I hope you enjoy this cliffhanger.

See, I'm at a rough point now. The next chapter... wait for it... will have Magnus' POV. AND, the chapter after that will give y'all the whole story of how Alec and Magnus broke up. Of course, we may not have Alec's POV seeing as he dies in this chapter... duh duh duh!

So, this POV thing is hard, and I'm so friggin' busy. I'm working last minute on too many different things, and I don't know how much writing I can even get done. I don't have the time to get myself in the mental state that keeps me writing. Usually I want to finish the next chapter before I post the previous one (ie. I wanted to finish 12 before I posted 11). However, that is not the case here. I'm posting this early because I approve of the response I got from the last chapter. However, if you haven't reviewed and you don't want more characters to die, I suggest you start typing. Sorry, but it's my only feedback and you'd be amazed at how much it helps me.

Here's the deal. My next update will be Christmas. Canadian time (ET). I'm sorry, but I promise it will be worth it. I will update at least 2 chapters of Esperons Inutiles, I will start another multi-chapter fic (unless you think it's too much), and one or more one shots (I get inspired by random things. And I did leave out a sex scene in Esperons Inutiles). And, yes, I will post Pointless, the sequel to Selfish (my first MI fic). I know, it's a lot, but from now to Christmas is a really long time, and I'll have whole days to work on this as soon as I get my break.

So... I hope you guys can wait. Remember what I said about reviews. I really hope you're enjoying this fic.

Lots of love... see you at Christmas.

- Immy.