Espérons Inutile

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare.

Chapter 12: Chaque rose

Summers in Australia were usually quite nice. Warmer than New York in any case. But the two became almost the same when given the rush of city life. Smog filled the air, and the stench of the city ruled. Natural human smells filled the air, good and bad. And so long as Magnus was willing to let go for a few moments, he could simply it back and watch the busy lives of people around him.

He was all too used to seeing humans throw themselves into everything they did, and it was almost amusing to watch people walking down the street (or running) as if their lives depended on reaching their destination. Magnus was content with simply ignoring the bustle of their lives so long as he was able to enjoy his. He stared out at the busy harbour, wondering which boat Alec had often gone on.

He hadn't decided yet whether or not to Alec exactly how much he'd done to try and find Alec. It had been about four years since Magnus had woken up and seen the wreckage he'd created by hurting Alec. And the next years would be spent doing nothing but trying to find him.

He'd heard a statistic once that most people in North America checked their email as soon as they woke up. It was routine. Well, for Magnus, his waking up routine involved a tracking spell, using a T-shirt that had belonged to Alec. It was tattered and black, not bought for him by Magnus, so he knew it would probably work well. But he never found Alec. Asking around amongst Downworlders who were important within the Clave, having other warlocks perform the tracking, spell, monitoring all calls into the New York Institute in case Alec ever phoned home.

Had Alec even called home when he left? It hadn't come up once in their recent conversations, as Alec was obviously ashamed that he'd left his family. Magnus had told him that he'd seen people do much worse when they let their emotions control their actions. Alec would glare at him, then look away. Alec might subtly indicate his shame in leaving his family, but he would never admit how much he'd been hurt by Magnus, save the times when Magnus pushed him far enough.

Magnus sighed, breathing in the air of the morning water. The sun shone down brightly, reflecting the many glitter particles that dusted Magnus' limbs. How could he describe the dread and fear that had coursed through his veins when he'd heard of Celior's threat. There was no way for him to tell Alec that, though he'd had Alec's hurt eyes burned into his memory for years, that threat had scared him more than anything in eight hundred years.

Perhaps he should have left this alone. Five years ago, he'd seen the other route. He could leave Alec, let him go live his life, and no problems would occur. Though Magnus had always been enticed by the beauty of mortals, he knew that it was better not to get too close. It always led to complications and too many sleepless nights.

And they were not sleepless nights in the good way, but the type where he spent hours arguing, and the next day feeling terrible.

Getting rid of Alec was a smart thing to do. Tactless, the way Magnus had done it. But smart.

And too late. Why was it only when Alec was gone did Magnus realize that it was too late for him to just leave Alec? That he was incapable of doing so.

Magnus stared down into the dark water below him. He frowned slightly. What the…

It was as though he could see Alec's face beneath him, shimmering. He tried to call out, but something seemed very wrong with the image. Alec was hurt in someway. As soon as the thought formed, Magnus knew it to be true. But what could he do?

He shut his eyes. Then the thought occurred to him. And he turned and ran back into the hotel.

-Break-

Alec was floating along a river. He'd been moving slowly for quite a while, but he knew he didn't really need to look at his surroundings. He let himself be absorbed by this surreal calm.

He was at peace. There was no worrying about Magnus here.

"Alec!"

It could never last. Alec opened his eyes to find he was back in Guilin, and he was floating along the Yangtze River. He looked out to see that Magnus was sitting in the same boat they had ridden in earlier. Alec sighed at the memory, remembering how much he really had enjoyed their date.

"Why are you out there?" Magnus called. "Get out of the water." His voice was stern, but it was also playful, and he said it with quite a bit of warmth. Alec smiled teasingly at him before beginning to swim closer to the boat.

He was only a few feet away when something grabbed at his foot. He cried out as he tried to kick whatever had grabbed him, but it only gripped him harder.

"MAGNUS!" Alec screamed. "Help me!"

He couldn't see how Magnus reacted, for it was at that moment that he was pulled down to the darkest depths of the river, and he could only look up to see a trickle of sunlight. He tried to look down, but something hit his face. He cried out, although he couldn't make much noise underwater.

It was as though something had cut his face. And he felt it again, this time on his legs. He cried out and tried to squirm, but he was trapped. The same thing slashed him over and over, on his chest, his legs, his arms, his back, his face. All the while, Alec was loosing air. He was dying.

It felt like hours before the feel of the cutting vanished. And by now, Alec was quite willing to let himself die slowly at the bottom of the river. He couldn't breath, and he knew that he was soaked not only from the river water, but also by the blood seeping out from his body.

It would be so easy to die...

Alec opened his eyes one more time, and saw a person in front of him. That was all he could say about this person, because as soon as Alec looked at the being in front of him, the details vanished. He closed his eyes, not caring now about this person. He didn't want some stranger to be the last thing he ever saw.

And suddenly, something grabbed his jaw. Alec gagged as the water rushed into his throat, along with something long and thin. This thing… it pushed downwards, moving through Alec's body and it was growing inside him and he couldn't move and it felt so, so wrong…

Let go of me, Alec felt like saying, but he couldn't, for many reasons now.

Let go…

Let go.

-Break-

"Let go," Alec mumbled. He lashed out, then slowly opened his eyes. He was in a bedroom. After a moment of thinking, he realized it was Haal's bedroom. He sat up, wondering how the hell he'd wound up at Haal's place.

He… he'd gone out with Magnus. They'd gone to China, Alec had tipped the boat, and they'd wound up having sex in Magnus' hotel room. Alec blushed at the memory, but slowly begun to realize that he couldn't remember what had happened after that. It wasn't like being drunk and waking up with a hangover; if he'd been hung over, there at least would have been a scattering of images. There was nothing. He'd slept with Magnus, fell asleep… and woke up at Haal's place.

Alec shook his head in confusion, then stood up to find his clothes.

Fear. And… and confusion. The blood continued to drip to his body.

Alec tried to take deep breaths. Then he slowly walked into the bathroom. He looked at the floor as he turned to face the mirror. He took another deep breath, then looked at his reflection.

He was covered in blood. He stared with an open mouth at his body, which had turned a deep crimson.

"No…" he gasped. What had happened to him? He looked down at his legs, his arms, and all he saw was blood. Shaking his head and taking quick gasps, Alec hastened to the shower, praying that he could just erase this memory.

He turned it on and stepped under the streaming water. He didn't care that it was freezing; he just had to get it off. Alec wasn't squeamish around blood, but something about this sight…

Shouldn't he have been hurt? Alec wondered this as he scrubbed at the blood covering his arms. It came off easily enough, and Alec couldn't remember being hurt. He supposed it had happened last night, but he couldn't remember getting hurt. He didn't feel hurt. He felt perfectly fine. He wasn't stiff or in any pain whatsoever.

Left with nothing but these uneasy thoughts, Alec hurried to get the rest of the blood off of him. It took a while, but eventually, he decided he was clean. He turned off the shower and got out. Thank God Haal just left the towels out.

Alec tied it around himself, then looked back to the mirror.

Why couldn't he just see his normal face anymore?

Yes, the blood was gone. His skin would have returned to being too pale. But it didn't.

He'd probably been right about being hurt…

Long, red scars decorated his body. They were everywhere, his limbs, his torso, and what scared Alec the most was that they almost formed pictures. Or… marks.

They weren't typical marks. No, he could still see the faint silver runes that decorated his skin. They were just hidden beneath the red scars. Looking at these scars now, Alec could just imagine a knife carving every single one into him.

It was nearly impossible for Alec to try and calm himself down. Confusion and desperation were filling him up and crashing around in his head. How could he think knowing that he had been hurt last night, though he couldn't even remember it. Alec tried taking a few deep breaths, then sat down against the bathroom wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest, holding them close to him. Some part of his brain acknowledged that he shouldn't be acting like this, but he couldn't care anymore.

Alec's head was spinning so fast, and he had to just calm down. He took a few deep breaths, wishing there was a window in Haal's bathroom. After a few minutes of deep breaths, Alec felt himself go calm. Thank the Angel.

And then the knock came. Someone knocked gently on the bathroom door, and Alec froze as the sound echoed around him. He didn't answer right away, instead waiting for the knocker to talk.

"Alec?" It was Haal. Alec immediately calmed down again. It was just Haal.

"It's open," Alec said very quietly. The door opened slowly as Haal looked in. He looked perfectly fine, but Alec felt oddly scared for him. What, so now Haal was in danger? Alec quickly got over the thought and smiled sadly at Haal. He did try to look happy, though he knew he'd failed. He didn't even need Haal's confused look to confirm it. Haal came up beside him, sitting down against the wall. Alec tried to say something, but he was just at a lost for words. Instead of talking, he just leaned against Haal and sighed. Haal seemed to clue in, and he wrapped an arm around Alec, gently rubbing his back.

Did he love Haal? Alec wondered that for the hundredth time. Now that his head was clear (sort of) he could answer it easily. No, he didn't love Haal, and if he wanted to be happy for the rest of his life, it couldn't be with Haal. And knowing that… it would only be a matter of time before he could let go of Haal. It would be much better for both of them if they ended things. But first things first…

Alec needed some clothes.

-Break-

Alec jogged along the pier, anxious to get to the boat. He needed some sort of peace right now, and he knew this would work. As soon as he'd gotten the clothes, he said goodbye to Haal and headed back to the Institute. Only when he'd gotten there, he found that everyone was out. Hunting, Alec supposed. There wasn't even a note left behind, which was an indicator at how pissed Ziyi was for him leaving again. The same with Isabelle, though with her, it was more the problem of Alec constantly vanishing. She was probably dying to find out what had happened on the date, but he had no idea what she thought of Alec not coming home.

After the surprise he'd gotten with the scars and blood this morning, he knew he couldn't take that conversation with his sister just yet. What he needed was a nice long ride out on the waves. If he really felt like it, he could just anchor out in the water and not come home for a second night. It was already 8:00 in the evening.

Unwilling to spend much time thinking, Alec hastened to follow the familiar motions of getting the boat out onto the water. It took about half an hour, but he soon found himself sailing smoothly away from the harbour. He let the breeze caress hi body as he steered the ship onwards.

It was a very nice day, the sun shining brightly all day. The sun was now setting, painting the sky, crimson, rose, citrine, and a thousand other colours that created the beautiful patterns amongst the clouds. And those patterns were created anew, but replicated in colour in the calmly moving waters below.

Alec beheld the sight of the sky with a heavy heart, thinking about Magnus. After spending a few hours with Haal, Alec was really beginning to grasp how much happier he would truly be with Magnus. He hadn't yet ended it with Haal, but he felt no more compulsion to keep it going. He now considered accepting Magnus back again.

Magnus had told him over and over how sorry he was, and Alec could easily tell that he always meant it. He supposed he would just have to be careful with Magnus now. They could go back to being lovers, though Alec would remember not to be so trusting of him. Magnus would have to earn that back.

Alec smiled dimly at this thought.

And then felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He frowned as he pulled it out and checked the ID. His heart skipped a beat when he saw it was Magnus. He opened it cautiously.

"Hi."

"Alec, are you all right?" Magnus asked him. Alec's frown deepened at the serious tone of Magnus' voice.

"I'm fine," he assured Magnus. A sigh emanated from the phone. "What's going on?"

"I…" Magnus drifted off. "I don't know. I just thought for a bit there that… that something was wrong. I suppose it was me."

"Oh." Alec really didn't know what to say. Magnus had thought he was hurt? Did he know about the scars? Alec was too disturbed to ask.

"Sorry I bothered you," Magnus said gently.

"You didn't."

There was a beat of silence as Magnus evidently absorbed the words. "How's the weatherman?"

Alec frowned, completely caught off guard by this questions. "Fine… why do you care?"

"Not sure," Magnus said bitterly. "You seemed pretty broken up last night. He really matters to you."

Alec opened his mouth, unsure of where to start. "I don't… I don't know what you're going on about."

"Fine. I'll stop talking about it." There was another beat of silence. Alec was, of course, completely confused by this whole conversation. He closed his eyes, then said:

"Magnus, I've been thinking." He let that settle in for a moment.

"Oh?"

Alec took another breath, then said, "There isn't any chance of Haal comparing to you."

"I should hope not."

"A-and the same holds true for… how he makes me feel." Alec heard a rustle of movement in the background.

"I love you, Alec," Magus said tenderly. And for the first time since Magnus had arrived in Australia, Alec welcomed this knowledge instead of hiding from it.

"I know."

"And you know," Magnus said, "If you want to get back together-"

"I do," Alec whispered. Magnus went completely silent. It was almost as if Alec were speaking to him right there. He could see the way Magnus would close his eyes, a glorious smile forming on his face. And Alec smiled too at the face of his warlock.

"We need to talk about this," Magnus calmly insisted, though there wasn't much force behind it. Alec grinned.

"Tonight?" he asked, trying not to seem like he wanted it too badly.

"Okay," Magnus agreed. "At the Institute?"

"I'll come by your hotel?" Alec suggested. "It'll take a while, but I don't think I'm too far."

"Sounds like a plan," Magnus suggested, a touch of glee prominent in his voice.

"I might be a while," Alec told him. He could practically hear Magnus shrugging.

"I can wait." Alec closed his eyes as the words wrapped themselves around him.

"I'll see you then."

"Bye, Alec."

Alec hung up, though he really didn't want to. He let out a laugh at what he had just done. He was going to get back with Magnus… he wanted to.

He thought about how he had felt only two days ago about getting back together. He hadn't been ready. Well, Alec probably wasn't still ready, but he was now able to see that he did miss Magnus. The thought of getting him back was like a light in the darkness that had shrouded him. Or maybe, the shadows. He had chosen to live in the light, letting it blind him of the truth. But now, he was willing to dim the lights a little and see the truth.

Magnus had crushed him, breaking his heart completely. He had shattered Alec's heart into tiny pieces. And yet… Alec had still cared about him with all the little pieces.

He didn't have to trust Magnus entirely, he knew. He was just rekindling the feelings that had been hidden in the embers of his soul for years. It was nice to know he was loved, but he knew what he needed was a real relationship where he could love back. He wouldn't have to trust him. No… he could make Magnus work for it.

Now that was a nice thought.

Alec chuckled to himself as he moved from his position at the rail of the boat to the wheel, but as he moved, he saw it. The man.

He had probably been there the entire time Alec had been talking to Magnus. He had undoubtedly been on the boat the whole time, as there was no way he could have gotten on the boat while it was in the middle of the water.

Alec patted his thigh to make sure there was a blade there. Thankfully, there was. But as he stepped closer to the figure, a hand was raised in Alec's direction. A huge rush of wind hit Alec, and he stumbled backwards. He hit the deck hard, and he could hear the sound of his weapons splashing in the water.

He looked back up at the figure, trying to see it's face. And the man stepped forwards.

Alec gasped. He knew that face… he had seen it in his desert dream. But… how… why…

"Hello, Alec," Demetri Ceilor said, a smile playing on his lips.

AN: Um... I am so sorry. I wish I had an excuse as to why this is late. Honestly? I wasn't sick. I was just... busy. And lazy. And indulging, which I don't want t o let go of. I didn't quite grasp how busy Christmas really was going to be when I made my promise. That was during a time when I was very busy, and I figured Christmas break would be, well, a break. Turns out, there was a lot to do to get ready for the big day. Second, I've really been goofing off during the time I do have to myself. There have been ads for some paid fic sites around FF, and I clicked one, found a story, and was hooked. I spent another few days solely determined on getting membership to that site. I spent the next few nights (Always around 11pm-4am) reading all the stories on this site. Pretty much... well, I've indulged in this freedom and laziness and I've spent too much time reading, watching movies, and eating chocolate. I love writing, but it is like work for me, and I'm not ready to work hard just yet.

Writing is kinda hard for me. One chapter (take for example, the one above) takes me 2-4 hours. Yep. It's sad, but... I don't know. My thoughts are always better in my head and I have a hard time getting them down on paper.

Well, you have this now. It's a fairly meager offering considering it was due two days ago.

Don't worry, I'm not going to slack off again. I want to finish Renaissance before my break is over, and I'm ready to start working again. I've got the next few chapters planned out, and I should warn you, they're gonna be dark. The chapter right after this... well, I'm not sure if I should actually change the rating to M or not. I'll just warn you now that it's dark.

The song that I had on loop while writing this chapter: Every Rose has it's thorn by Poison. Your challenge is to find me a song that you would play while reading this.

I'll start working on the next chapter, and expect it soon.

My humblest apologies for lateness. I really hope you're enjoying this story.