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cw: self harm

4 years later

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid and-

Sasuke shut off his alarm that was blaring the same emo shit since Itachi's death and unwillingly pulled himself up from his bed. Sasuke's body was heavy and he could hardly keep his eyes open. He reached up and rubbed the dry skin on his face. The horrible feeling you get when you wake up after crying yourself to sleep was the norm to Sasuke.

"School again huh?" Sasuke mumbled to himself as he looked at the calendar his mother had forced him to put up to 'keep track of the days'. Sasuke thought this was stupid, each day lasted longer than the last and each day got more tiring. He ran out of motivation to even eat most days. School wasn't that bad for Sasuke. He had Naruto, his best friend, and lessons to keep him preoccupied but he was always exhausted when he got home. The weekend was the worst in his opinion, 48 hours spent staring at the empty bed on the other side of his small room, 48 hours spent missing the person that used to lay there, 48 hours thinking up things he could do to take his mind off of it, 48 hours giving up and going to sleep. Sleep was what Sasuke did most. If he was bored he slept, if he was hungry he slept, if he was upset he slept, if he was angry he'd exhaust himself to passing out. At this rate Sasuke classed himself as already dead.

Sasuke went to remove the cover from over his body but soon realized that his current morning routine would have to change. Glancing down Sasuke noticed the covers sticking to his left arm, glued to the skin by dry blood. Soon enough the memory of the previous Sunday night filled his mind.

Sasuke sauntered into the living room to where his mother and father were sat on the sofa watching a documentary.

"Hey mom?" Sasuke asked, sitting on a empty chair opposite them, "I wanna ask you something?"

"what's up Sasuke?" Mikoto said, turning her gaze to him and smiling gently. Ever since Itachi's "death" Sasuke had been sensitive and Mikoto had vowed to be patient with him, she figured it would take a while to cleanse him of his sins, in a way like a drug addict in recovering surgery.

"I know it's been four years, but I think I'm ready to go and see Itachi's grave, can we go together some time?"

"Itachi's grave..?" Mikoto said, she was shocked and obviously caught off guard at Sasuke's sudden question. It was hard enough keeping up the act of Itachi being dead, even though he was already metaphorically dead to her, but she hadn't even considered the whole idea of a grave. They'd had a fake funeral, and by that her and Fugaku went out drinking because Sasuke was too stricken with grief to be allowed to come along. Mikoto snapped out of her thoughts as she realized Sasuke was awaiting an answer, "I'm sorry Sasuke I'm busy."

"Busy?!" Sasuke raised his voice, not taking the answer lightly, "too busy to go and see your own son?! Itachi's dead, you can't just put off visiting his grave, that is if he even has a grave!" Sasuke shouted and stormed off, filled with rage. Sasuke slapped his bedroom door and pulled his shirt off, scars coated his body like the agonizing stripes of a tiger deprived of its only life support. Sasuke got to work, slashing up the bare parts of his skin, tears pouring out in pain and anger when he overlapped a fresh cut or scab, like naughts and crosses on his own skin, a game of battleship where if he cuts the right part its game over. Sasuke wasn't looking for the opposing battleship, but it's not like he cared if he found it.

"Well I guess I can tell my mom I got my first period" Sasuke said dryly to his covers, knowing fine well he'd have to clean this up or store it somewhere so his mother didn't find it. Sasuke looked around his room, it was filled with empty alcohol bottles and old items of clothing, it was a truly depressing scene. He looked down at himself once more, he was 20 years old, stricken with grief, resulting to cutting himself and failing his university course. At least he could drink, it was the only thing he enjoyed more than sleeping. He wasn't an alcoholic, not really, he hardly drank because he was asleep all the time, and when he did he only got rowdy and upset so he only drank by himself on the occasional Saturday night to get him through the 48 hours of hell. He made sure he would drink himself to blackout, that way he wouldn't remember anything and the time would go by quicker. The hangover was a blessing, a reason to sleep more, a reason to not eat and a reason to not do anything. He was possibly the only person in the world who enjoyed being hungover.

Sasuke finally pulled himself out of his bed and threw his bloody covers into the bottom of his wardrobe and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. His father was already at work and his mother didn't wake up until 8 so he had some time to himself before he was being hassled by the bane of his existence. To add to the list of problems in his life he was still pissed at his mother, pissed at how she acted and pissed at how she doesn't seem to care about anything other than him forgetting about Itachi.

Half an hour later Sasuke left his house and headed over to his best friends house who always drove him to school. Sasuke tried taking driving lessons but couldn't focus enough on them and gave up. Naruto was a lot more successful than Sasuke in terms of life and family. Naruto had an older brother and two loving parents who also loved Sasuke, meaning Sasuke could just walk into Naruto's house regardless of the time and most likely be greeted with open arms. Sasuke walked into Naruto's house and into the living room where Minato was sat watching the news and Kushina could be seen through the kitchen shutters making coffee.

"Morning Sasuke, Naruto hurry up!" Minato smiled and then shouted across the house to where his son was most likely still getting dressed.

"Morning Minato" Sasuke said, forcing a small smile for his friends parents.

"would you like a coffee?" Kushina asked as Naruto walked into the living room, shirt partially undone and his hair a mess as usual.

"Yes please" Sasuke said and turned to raise an eyebrow at Naruto who was always running late.

"I overslept okay!" Naruto shouted and walked into the kitchen to grab a flask and hug his mom goodbye. Kushina passed another flask of coffee through the hatch and waved to the two as Naruto grabbed his keys and walked out with Sasuke.

When the two arrived at the university Naruto checked what class he had first, "shit I have food tec right now I gotta run, meet you by the water fountain after?" Sasuke nodded and took Naruto's keys as the blond ran off. Whenever Naruto had a lesson first Sasuke would lock the car and hold the keys so the blond could run so he didn't miss the first five minutes of the class.

After an hour had passed Naruto met Sasuke next to their personal water cooler on the top floor of the building. They'd claimed it since nobody other than the psychology students ever walked to the top floor.

"Did you miss me?" Naruto asked as Sasuke bent over to rinse out the flask and cave a slight chuckle, as he did that his sleeve moved a little to reveal one of his fresh cuts. Naruto noticed almost instantly and grabbed Sasukes arm and pulled him around a corner so they were out of view of wandering students.

"What the hell Naruto?" Sasuke snapped as Naruto grabbed his sleeve and pulled it up showing every mark Sasuke had ever done on his arms and wrists. Sasuke looked away, he had done so well at keeping it a secret until now.

"Do I need to look at the other arm? What the hell are you thinking doing this? And why? I know Itachi's dead but it's been four years get a therapist for fucks sake you idiot you're going to kill yourself!" Naruto shouted in a hushed voice,

"like you'd ever understand" Sasuke muttered,

"then tell me, make me understand. You're my best friend how wouldn't I understand?!"

"because it's wrong and so fucked up"

"screw what's right and wrong, Kurama sold drugs for six years Sasuke and I still love him, so either tell me or stop slitting yourself, jesus"

"it's all kinds of fucked up okay?! Nobody can know"

"I can"

"No you can't"

"why the hell not?!"

"Because I love the wrong fucking person" Sasuke blurted out in anger before internally cursing at himself, "well... Loved"

"If you don't love them anymore then what's the problem?" Naruto said gently, stroking Sasuke's arm to show support.

"I do it's just.."

"come on, tell me and I can help"

Sasuke sighed, he didn't care anymore. He wasn't doing anything wrong anymore, Itachi was dead, and if Naruto spread it around school and his parents found out then he'd kill himself, simple. "Because they died, remember?"

"Who died... Oh" Naruto said, putting two and two together.

"See? It's wrong" Sasuke said and sat down on the floor, Naruto joined him.

"I mean maybe it's a bit taboo in the eyes of society but... You can't help who you love, do you know it's real love?"

"I did I guess.."

Naruto sighed, "well I don't hate you or think less of you. But this makes everything bigger, and you need help. Come with me today to visit Izuna, okay?"

"Who the hell is Izuna?"

"Schools therapist dummy, he got a job here last summer and I've been spending some free time with him to cope with stress. He's good, please? For me?" Naruto pleaded, Sasuke nodded and sighed,

"fine, but just this once" Naruto nodded and took his friends hand and rolled down his sleeve before heading down to the middle floor. They walked through a few departments before heading to a small collection of offices, Naruto knocked on one of them and walked in.

"Hey Izuna!" Naruto said and Izuna turned around to smile at Naruto but then noticed Sasuke. The resemblance was incredible to Itachi, Izuna was almost certain that this was Itachi's lover. Izuna didn't even know Sasuke went to this school, well to be honest Izuna didn't know anything about Sasuke, they'd never met. "This is Sasuke, he's my best friend and I think it would be good if he came to see you, it's not my place to say why but keep him here until I come get him, I have a class soon" Naruto said and walked out.

"Guidance against your own will?" Izuna asked, judging from how uncomfortable Sasuke was. "I remember my first counselor, that was against my will too. My brother sent me because I had somehow gotten myself an eaten disorder due to studying too much" he said, "please sit" he pointed at a small chair. Sasuke did as he was told. "I wouldn't be doing my job right if I didn't ask why Naruto had sent you here, do you mind telling me?" He asked and Sasuke didn't say a word but rolled up both his sleeves to show his arms. Izuna's eyes widened, even more so when Sasuke lifted his shirt.

"They're on my thighs too" he said. Izuna nodded,

"So why are you doing this to yourself? And don't worry, I'm bound to secrecy as you're a legal adult, and there's a degree to my secrecy if your life is in danger but we'll get to that."

"My brother is dead, has been for four years" Sasuke said.

Four years. Izuna thought, that was around the same time Itachi came to us, there's only one way of finding out if this truly is the right Sasuke or just a doppelganger.

"What was his name?" Izuna asked,

"Itachi, Itachi Uchiha" Sasuke said, the words brought tears to his eyes.

Oh shit, Mikoto has said Itachi is dead? Jesus, bringing them together is going to be a lot fucking harder now, fucking sister.

"I'm going to presume you two were close? If his death if affecting you even after four years?" Izuna said, he hated playing along with Mikoto's sick games but he had to to help Sasuke for now.

"Closer than you'd think" Sasuke mumbled,

"oh? Very close friends?" Izuna asked, he knew what the answer was but didn't need to blurt it out. After all this was the first time meeting Sasuke, and under the worst circumstances.

Sasuke chuckled at Izuna and he raised his eyebrow,

"Is there a possibility of" he paused, "potential lovers?"

Sasuke looked up at him, shock clearly written across his face.

"Thought so, seen it multiple times before and everyone has had the same reaction" he lied, "I'm too good at my job"

"So what now? Report me to the authorities?"

"and why would I do that? I'm meant to help you"

"help me be 'better'? Because loving my brother makes me sick?" Sasuke snapped,

"Did I say that? No, I'm helping you not hurt yourself over this." Izuna said and Sasuke's expression softened.

The two talked for an hour, Izuna dug deep into Sasuke's personality. They talked mostly about Sasuke and about Itachi, Izuna 'learned' a lot about Sasukes 'deceased' older brother. Eventually Naruto knocked on the window of the office and Izuna held up his finger for Naruto to wait.

"Take this card, it has my number on it. This is the degree of secrecy depending on your self harm and potential suicidalness, ring me the moment you get an urge and I will help. If you don't use this card and I see fresher scratches on your body tomorrow, or the day after or whenever, I will have to report you. Understand?" Sasuke nodded and took the card and left the office.

"Thanks" Sasuke said, and Naruto smiled,

"no problem!"

XxX

It was 2am that night and Sasuke had been working on some homework for once. Once he realized the time he turned off his laptop and went over to his wardrobe to pull out a fresh cover, however he pulled out an old jacket belonging to Itachi instead. Sadness flooded over Sasuke unlike any time before, he didn't know what to do but cry and cry and cry. When crying wasn't working he went to his faithful companion, his razor blade. In an instant Sasuke sunk into his own flesh but the sadness took over and he accidentally cut too deep and realized all too quickly. He'd hit his battleship and it was sinking.

"Shit shit shit!" Sasuke cursed as the blood started to flow, quicker than any other previous time. He knew he couldnt call for help because he would get killed off his mother but then he remembered the card in his jeans pocket that Izuna had given him. Grabbing his phone Sasuke quickly dialed the number and held it to his ear while jumping around because of the panic and adrenaline pumping through his veins. Itachi picked up almost instantly,

"Izuna help I cut myself and I think i'm bleeding out" Sasuke almost cried into the phone, Izuna was up and out of bed in and instant looking for his clothes while talking Sasuke through instructions. Sasuke listened to each one: find some fabric, wrap it around the wound and apply a lot of pressure, get out your house, meet me at the national park, stay on the phone. Sasuke managed to complete each of the steps even while his brain was fuzzy and made it to the park that was between his house, and unknowingly Izuna's.

The minute Izuna spotted Sasuke he ran over and had Sasuke sit down. Izuna took over and cleaned the wound and stitched it back up and then wrapped it in a bandage.

"Thank you" Sasuke said through tears after he was done,

"don't worry about it, you called like I said and it saved your life, meaning I can keep this a secret" Izuna said, "but I know this isn't want you want to hear right now, but try and stop. We'll have frequent meetings where you can vent but please stop doing this, things will get better, I promise."

Izuna said this with confidence, as he knew that back home Itachi was sleeping soundly in his bed, very much alive, and very much planning to get Sasuke back.

Thanks so much for reading !