Author's Notes: Oh boy did I struggle with this chapter, I was very much in the mood for angst or Jisbon friendship, but romance, no siree. Therefore apologies if this sucks, I had to wring it out of my muse and could only look over it a couple of times. Only two more chapters I think, after this, next up is the gala!
Disclaimer: I don't own it, if I did Lisbon would have punched Jane, or Wainwright, or better yet both.
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Jane jogged to his car, waving a cheerful goodbye to the team as they passed him by, all eager to get home. He was tired, he hadn't slept much, a theme that was becoming all too familiar yet again.
His precious façade was wearing thin, on entering his car he set aside his pretence at normalcy, letting it silently slip away. Rare for him, allowing the stark truth to show. He had worn his mask so often and for so long, that sometimes he wondered had it become so good, that it had begun to fool himself?
He was sick of all his lies and his deceptions. It was no wonder he was having a crisis of emotions, he had pretended that up was down and down was up for so long, it was only natural that his world view was askew. He wanted what everyone else has.
The only familiar emotion, the only true sense he knew was anger. He was enraged with the world, infuriated at Lisbon, at Alicia, but mostly at himself. He was so lost, he just wanted the answers that he was so good at finding in others, to be revealed to himself.
He resisted the urge to pound his head against the steering wheel in frustration. Knowing his luck Lisbon would catch him, slide in to the passenger seat 'to talk', sitting that close to her, on edge as he was, he'd probably jump her like at the motel.
Thinking about the kiss wasn't helping anyone, he thrust the keys into the lock, he noticed his hand had a slight tremble at the thought of her. Where would she go tonight, who would she be with?
He had no right to be jealous of Lisbon, despise a man he'd never met, just because he had her attention, especially when he had so carelessly cast it aside. One thing he was sure of though was that he couldn't lead Alicia on. She didn't deserve it and until he knew just were he stood, he couldn't stay with her.
He stopped procrastinating and started his car, dreading his homecoming. He sent a quick text to see where Alicia was, they had hardly spoken over the past week. They both knew things were strained, so she agreed to meet him at his apartment.
There was very little traffic as it was so late in the day. He would have been grateful for the delay but no suck luck. He pulled up alongside Alicia's small sports car. His stomach dropped, he hated the idea of causing her pain. He held her dear, he had genuine feelings for her and wanted her to be happy. He steeled himself at the door, unnaturally unsure of himself and entered the apartment.
Alicia was waiting for him in the front room. Her small frame was dwarfed by his large couch. Wearing navy trousers and a cream top, she had placed her hair up in a loose bun and kept her make up simple, almost like she wanted to blend in for a change, so very unlike her.
"Hi" she said softly.
"Hi" Jane replied, lost for words for once.
"How was the case?" She inquired politely.
"Good... we solved it." Jane half smiled, shuffling slightly.
"That's great, though it doesn't surprise me, with you there." Alicia complemented him.
The room fell into an oppressive quietness, both so lost in their thoughts, with so much to say but having no inkling of how to start. The silence grated on Jane, he needed to break it, to master his thoughts, to end this situation.
"Would you like tea?" Jane finally asked, desperate for something to do with his hands and an excuse to leave the room.
"Yes thanks, camomile." Alicia shifted, fidgeting nervously with her top. She looked stressed, some light lines appearing around her eyes.
He felt immediately resposible, he had never dated anyone for long. He hadn't had much experience with courting woman, he could talk the talk, he was positive he couldn't walk the walk. Sure he was more comfortable now than years ago, hell his best friend was a woman, but overall he'd married young and planned never to part.
This was the first time he had ever had to break up with someone. Before Angela, he hadn't frequented pubs under age, or gone to the movies to neck.
Really bar a few girls, he had met for a couple of nights at the carnival in his teens, she was the sum of his experience. He had chosen to swiftly followed those awkward encounters with marrying his sweet and thoughtful wife.
He returned with the drinks, sitting down next to Alicia, she shifted closer to him. Jane placed his tea down, bracing himself, he inhaled deeply and slowly released.
"Alicia, I feel that this, us isn't..." he started.
"Patrick don't please." Alicia interrupted.
"Alicia, we've been fighting non stop, I've been cruel, unfair." Jane explained.
"I love you, you love me, yes we've been fighting, but we can make it work, if we try." Alicia begged.
"I'm not sure if we can, or should... it hasn't felt right lately, I'm so unsure..." Jane searched for the best way to explain it.
"Is there someone else?" Alicia asked, fearful of the answer.
"No, Alicia,... no. I just do not think it should be this hard. Breaking up, it's for the best, you must have had similar thoughts."
"You're wrong, you're just afraid, afraid of commitment, afraid of us, of what we could be. It's all getting to much, I know that, but work is finally less stressful. We just need to spend more time together, that's where it all started going wrong. Patrick we deserve to at least try." Alicia pleaded desperately. Her hand grasped his, trying to make a connection.
"I love you." She reiterated, meeting his eyes, letting her tears trail down her face.
Jane remained silent, he could see the honesty of her words in her eyes. Why did he choose women with such truthful eyes.
He was so confused, he knew he had lied earlier, there was someone else, but that someone was out of his reach, more than likely forever. He cared deeply for Alicia, not in the same way as Lisbon but then again they had far more history.
He didn't want to throw away any chance of happiness on a dream. He couldn't watch as Lisbon moved on, he would see everything, every moment of pleasure, every stolen thought at work, love blossoming within her. Could he handle not being the source of all her joy, when all he had was fantasies of her.
Worse still, having only his daydreams, he was afraid he could screw up again, like he did in the motel. She was like liquor to an alcoholic, and he was a weak man. If she knew, would she retreat?, if so he could lose her forever and that would be the end of him.
But then what if she had feelings too a quiet voice argued, vocalising his desires , no his rational mind countered, it was just too risky.
Better to have her friendship than nothing, being without it would destroy him, he hadn't lasted nine months before his life crashed to a halt, devoid of her presence. He could try to avoid how he felt, distract himself from how much Lisbon mattered to him.
It wasn't fair though, no matter what Alicia said, he couldn't try with her, not when his heart wasn't fully in it, right?.
"Alicia, I'm not sure, my emotions are so screwed up." He protested softly.
Alicia cupped his cheek leaning in until their foreheads touched. Eye to eye, she began stroking his face.
"We both have doubts, but if we have even a slight chance then its worth a try. Right? Even a small chance. Please Patrick lets try again."
"Okay." Jane answered, the word slipping out of his mouth without any concious decision by him.
"Yeah?" Alicia checked, her tears flowing harder with her relief. "It will be better baby, I swear, we just need to be together more I promise."
Jane didn't respond, he just couldn't bring himself to. She was so hopeful. She got up from the couch, kissing him lightly, moving to remove the cups. He was a bastard, a selfish, self centred bastard. He already knew this was not a good idea, but he wasn't sure he could live with the consequences if he didn't try.