Authors note: Arrrgghh last chapter! Wow can not believe it's finally here. I would like to say a big old, thank you ever so much, to everyone for reading, reviewing, favouriting and alerting. It means the world to me.
I pm'd those I could and thanks to Jazz (don't cry it'll be ok) and Meltedchocobutton (Glad you enjoyed the chemistry and the dance) for the reviews.
It has been a crazy long journey and I would like to give a massive shout out to Jaime who prompted this story in the first place. I know it was far longer than either of us thought it would be and probably less romantic too, overall. I seldom write Jane so it was very fun to do and far less angst than my usual fare.
Disclaimer: I don't own it, what I do own is a very confused psyche, as Bruno with those last two episodes reignited my Jisbon love. They were a shippers dream and I had, after Erica finally said, okay I have been reading too much into Jane and Lisbon's friendship, so I'll stop.
Damn you, you confusing man! I feel like I'm a fifteen year old trying to understand what a text msg from a boy really means.
Any who on with the show, the mistakes are all me! But it's a long one and hard to catch em all.
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Jane appeared at the office, the next day, exhausted and bone weary. He thankfully resembled the general thrown together look of the rest of the C.B.I. staff, who had all over indulged themselves the night before at the gala.
He had returned to his empty home after his little tête-à-têtewith Lisbon and spent the night trying to think of ways to convince her that he was genuine about all his sentiments. Alas, the king of the cons had fallen short of his pintsize princess's stubborn and steadfast beliefs that he was not being truthful with regards to his declaration of love.
He had used his A game trying to regain his friendship with her, he simply had no schemes left to convince her to take a chance on him. More importantly he wanted her to want him in the same way, not trick her into it. He flopped on his couch, scanning the rest of the group searching for the one person he needed to see the most.
Rigsby and Van Pelt had an all too familiar look on their faces, their faces combined with the deep purple bags below their eyes told the epic tale of their guilt. They kept glancing at each other, sadness, mixed with desire, wrapped up in a big shame bow.
They had obviously spent the night before in the arms of their current partners but their minds elsewhere, at the previous gala to be exact. Probably not planned or intentional, their past romance was always going to haunt them, love did not disappear.
He understood their actions, hell he related, thoughts of the motel crept up, if Lisbon had been awake where would it have led? He and Teresa would follow the same path if they continued to do their little avoidance dance, one step in, two steps back, getting close, fleeing far away.
If they were not careful they too could end up in a wrong situation, not unlike Rigsby and Van Pelt, unable to move from it, so close to the right person but no way to bridge the gap between them. He stood up and went to search for the wilful woman, where would a pissed off Lisbon most likely be? No question, by the coffee machine.
He found her changing the filter.
"Morning Lisbon" He greeted hoping to break the ice.
She froze at his voice, turning around to face him, her cooling cup clutched in her tiny hands.
"Jane" she greeted curtly.
"About last night" He started.
"Nothing happened last night, nothing I want to talk about anyway." She declared.
"I told you I love you, and you just want to pretend it never happened." That hurt Jane more than he cared to admit. She really did not know the power she had over him.
Lisbon glanced around panicked. The open air kitchen left her nervous of being overheard. The rumour mill was bad enough with out providing the gossips with actual truths. She gripped the mug tighter, trying to hide the jolt she got when he said those words.
He was mistaken and she couldn't let herself hear those words, they were dangerous, he was dangerous, her only weakness stood before her, so very tempting, it would be so easy...
She slammed the door on those thoughts.
"Yes Jane, I want to continue as we are, we're friends it's been good lately, can we not just stay as we are?" She coolly replied.
"And what if I can't..." He asked.
"You have no choice, it's... we're colleagues, no more, end of subject." She answered, frostily.
Taking a sip of her coffee, she walked right past him towards her office, effectively finishing their chat.
He watched her leave, an air of finality hung around him, choking his heart. She was his world, had been for just shy of nine years, could he spend the next nine on the sidelines, he had a taste of more, would her friendship be enough to sustain him now? He doubted it but he had to try.
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It had been a month, four long weeks of civility and professionalism. He hated what their relationship had turned into. All the joy, banter and flirtations stopped short, Lisbon was on lockdown.
Sure she still rode with him, sought his council but the moments that he lived for were gone. No more idiotic games on stakeouts, no more forbidden touches at work, hell he couldn't even get away with checking her watch.
His lease was up in two days, he had debated what to do next, now his only other tie to the world of Sacramento, apart from his job was cut. He should have looked for a new place, perhaps gone back to the motel. He had remained unmotivated by either option; they both meant one thing, loneliness and life without her by his side.
He had gone to a bar the previous night, a few woman had joined him, trying to attract his attention. He could barely muster the energy involved to get rid of them. He was becoming indifferent to life.
Dylan had visited a week ago, they went out to lunch. He had not wished to see them together again, so carelessly flaunting her ability to thrive without him, while he dead inside without her.
He had packed up his things tonight, rented a storage space and filled his car with his essentials. He needed to leave, not forever mind but until the meagre scraps of attention she threw his way no longer cut so deeply. He was incapable of being without her for too long but perhaps giving her the space she so desperately required, would open up the lines of communication again.
So he had driven from his now silent apartment for the last time, to Lisbon, to tell her face to face. He called the relater by phone on the way; his old apartment was now officially back on the market. He was not sad to say goodbye to it, it had never really been a reflection of who he was, and a house should represent the occupant.
He drew his arm across his forehead to remove the beads of perspiration. The weather was too hot for the month; a rare spring heat wave was in the process of scorching the city and its residents.
Jane had parked across from her apartment an hour ago. Each minute that passed, erased the cool air generated by the AC while he drove here. The rising temperature in the car, degree by degree, caused his usually controlled body to override his biofeedback tricks. He was sweltering, he may even be dehydrating, it was becoming apparent to Jane he either had to give up or go in.
His eyes moved to the other side of the road, there were no streetlights on; her cul de sac eerily bathed in darkness, a government effort to keeps the city's electronic grid going. The cloudless night sky had only a slight crescent moon to help light the world.
In stark contrast to nature, Lisbon's apartment window was so bright that it illuminated half of the garden. She had always been his guiding light and even now she showed him the path, granted this time it was more literal than figurative.
If he didn't say goodbye she would never forgive him, he had to man up and just do it, his internal voice pointed out. He took in a deep gulp of air; it was in no ways helpful, it was like breathing in the steam from a kettle. Opening the door, he crossed the road to her apartment. Moving swiftly towards her, he was nervous, she was going to be mad.
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The rap on the door startled Lisbon from her thoughts. She placed her glass of red wine on the coffee table, she had told Dylan she needed some space, that left only one other person who would call so late at night.
She briefly entertained the idea of pretending she wasn't home, it would never work, as most certainly her opened curtains announced to the world and her ever observant consultant that she was indeed here.
She pulled the door open slightly, forcing the blonde man to stay outside.
"Jane." She greeted. Her unspoken question about his presence told of her displeasure on seeing him.
"Lisbon may I come in? We need to talk" He ignored her glare, choosing to take in the rest of her instead.
The temperature had obviously gotten to her somewhat, she undoubtedly was being a good citizen and not using her AC. Her hair had curled and lay in a tumbling mass of waves against her shoulders. She was in a black tank top and sweats. Jane could smell the sweet wine on her breath; he wondered what it tasted like.
"I don't think we do", Lisbon added frustrated by his silence and the blatant way he was checking her out.
She started to close the door, she was too vulnerable tonight and the heat was eroding her self control. Patrick Jane had taken too much from her he wasn't getting that too.
"Lisbon please" he begged, pressing his hand on the door to push it back, furthering his point that he would not leave until he had said his piece.
"Fine Jane but if this is a rehash of all you said before, I can tell you now I don't want to hear it" she said moving so he could enter.
Closing the door behind her she watched as Jane strolled into the living room like he owned the place; it sometimes bothered her that he seemed to be so free with everything she was supposed to possess, here, her office, her car, her personal space.
"So what is it that's so urgent?" she asked, as he looked around her room for clues about her, damn insufferably nosey man.
He turned to look her in the eye, "I came to tell you I'm going to be taking some time off."
"Okay... well you could have just cc'd me on your holiday request email to Wainwright." Lisbon shrugged.
"I should be clearer, some time, is not necessarily a few weeks and I'm not sure how long I'm going for or when I'll be back." Jane mimicked her disinterested shrug.
Lisbon's mouth hung open, "Are you kidding me?"
"No, I think I'm going to leave the C.B.I for a few months." It was petty but he was enjoying her reaction.
"Because I won't be with you?" Lisbon clarified, irritated and angry by his statement.
"It's just so hard..."
"Hard you don't think I know it's hard?" Lisbon interrupted, her frustration boiling over.
"I don't know, do you? The way you've been handling everything... I guess I figured you're fine." Jane said trying to calm her down.
"Fine" she hissed, "FINE? You selfish son of a bitch, Hard on you... oh poor baby" Lisbon yelled.
Jane was becoming worried, Lisbon was seriously hacked off and she looked like she would rip him a new one. He backed off slightly; hoping some space could calm her down.
Putting on his best deal with a crazy person voice he tried again, "Lisbon please... I..."
"I can't believe you sometimes, you don't get your way so you are going off to sulk, you are such a child." She interrupted, pacing along the couch's length.
"I didn't come here to fight, just to tell you that I'm going." Whether she knew it or not her words hurt and he didn't want to leave like this.
"And that's it, bye... see you... so much for I love you" she taunted.
"I do love you." Jane responded angrily, how dare she.
"Yeah I can tell." She mocked.
"I can't sit around day after day and watch you... look I already feel like lost you." He pleaded.
Lisbon turned on him her eyes flashing, after all she had been through.
"You left me first Jane, with nothing. We were in this together for over eight years. It wasn't a healthy friendship but we had each other. Someone always there to talk, vent to and cry with, when cases or life just got too much. Well guess what, the hard cases, the heart wrenching pain of the people we come across, it was still there, even when you weren't... Lost me..." She screamed at him, finally releasing all the hurt and anger that had built up out.
"Lisbon" Jane crossed the room to her, reaching his hand out to touch her.
"No, don't you dare, so now you're all alone, just like I was and you're so afraid that you can't face it. I'm so sorry you can't handle your own company, but you never spared a thought for me did you? One month... I was doing it for a hell of a lot longer than that."
"I was scared, I know I screwed up, Alicia..."
"Everyone had someone Jane, I didn't... I woke up one day and I was truly alone, years of focusing on keeping you from murdering someone had left me isolated and the thanks I get from you is abandonment... you were meant to be my friend." Her voice dropped its intensity, sadness softening her words. She looked like the small and broken twelve year old she had no doubt been.
"I am your friend, always and forever Lisbon. Why did you never say anything?" he asked delicately. He hated himself in this moment, hurting her like this; he was more of a monster than Red John.
Her anger flared up again, he was insufferable.
"Say something? Your job is to notice peoples goddamn tells... I shouldn't have had to. That's what hurt the worst you didn't care enough to look at me."
"I cared... I cared too much" He tried to explain.
"Are you shitting me? Cared too much huh, so what's changed, don't care no more?" She was needling him; she wanted to cause him pain. She hadn't realised just how angry she was until now.
"I realised I was loosing you as a friend too, I thought if I just kept you as a friend then I would have you always, but it wasn't enough. Being away from you wasn't enough, being with you as a friend isn't enough; I want permanently, all to myself, forever more. I tried to settle, I can't." Jane needed to make her understand.
"So your answer is to leave, you can't live without me, so your solution is to actually live without me? You're so full of crap Jane." Lisbon snorted at his ludicrous logic.
"I need to clear my head, try to get a control over whatever I'm feeling" he countered.
"You're making no sense."
"I haven't got a simple solution Lisbon, I don't know what I'm doing, I just know that every day I fight the urge to kiss you, touch you and make you smile. Now you won't even talk to me."
"You'll find someone else Jane, you have before, just someone more suitable than Alicia. Stay." Lisbon tried to keep the pleading note out of her voice. She had shown him too much tonight.
"Alicia was a mere distraction, I don't think I realised it at the time but I had yet to deal with everything and I needed distance from everyone." Jane said.
"From me you mean." Lisbon simplified.
"No it wasn't like that." This situation was going from bad to worse.
"Okay then what was it like. Jane cause, I need you to tell me, make me understand." Lisbon wanted what they had back, she missed it too, but she couldn't lose him a second time, not if she let him in again.
Jane paused looking for the right words, every nuance, each beat, all meanings mattered here and now, perhaps more than they had ever before in his life. The words struggled to come. He was taking too long he could see it on her face; she thought he was making up excuses. Forgoing rationality he just spoke his heart.
"I was afraid of how I felt, I was finally free from Red John, for years I held on to the love of my wife, to focus me, and it had all come to naught. I couldn't let myself acknowledge my feelings for you; it was like I was betraying her. I was never supposed to be able to feel that way again."
"So being with me was betraying you wife?" Lisbon looked like he had physically wounded her.
"Lisbon look at me" he lightly grasped her chin, his eyes holding hers. Both of them tearful, hurt and angry.
"You saved me, I was broken, crazy and desperate but then I met you. The moment we were introduced I knew I was in trouble; you were so unlike anyone I'd ever met. I was intrigued and attracted but over the years I fell more and more in love with you, I had denied the truth for so long."
"I wish you'd stop saying that" she sighed. He watched her take in several shaky breaths, when it looked like she was getting herself under control, he realised her chin, and started again.
"I can't stop saying it, its true, I love you but I was only supposed to live for revenge, when I didn't get it and never could, I was totally relieved and that became like a noose around my neck. She was my forever and forever's not done but when I'm with you I know it's just as special." Jane gave her a second to soak in the words.
"I didn't plan Alicia, I didn't mean to abandon you, but I did. I did so because my heart knew that you had pieced it back together again and if I lost you then I would cease to be. My life without you wasn't worth living so I tried to distract myself, separate from you. Yes we were too close and insular but that's because when I'm with you, all I ever need is you. No one compares, but we have lives now, ones we don't need to give up just because we are together. I didn't eat right or sleep for the past nine years, unless you were near. I was broken so far beyond repair, psychiatrists gave up on me but with you I started to get better. How can you claim I don't love you?" He questioned.
"Jane I... I... can't" Lisbon was floored by what he had just said.
"Lisbon you have kept yourself so far out of reach of everyone, just because you saw that kind of love between your parents and you fear it will break you. You're so much stronger than that."
"Jane we aren't like that" Lisbon disagreed.
"We are, you're just scared, imagine what its like to have it once, loose it and then find it again. Can you imagine the kind of fear that would create? I barely made it through the first time, I was hanging by a thread to this world and that thread was you. I have the same worries but we owe ourselves the chance" he begged.
"These are all sweet sentiments Jane but they don't change anything." For years she had longed to hear them, prayed he felt the same as her, but her niggling doubts stopped her believing him.
She had spent too many nights alone hearing her father's voice tell her she wasn't good enough, knowing Jane lay in the arms of someone else, that one day he would leave her for good.
Jane saw what she was trying to hide. "Because you don't want them too, you are running just as much from us and the possibilities of our love as I was." Jane challenged
"Dylan..." Lisbon countered.
"Dylan is a puppet that you play with when you feel like it, he neither deserves nor loves you. I would die for you Teresa, that guy wont even turn off his damn work phone. You love me, I love you aren't you tired of fighting this." He was drained, the heat was intolerable and her normally endearing obstinance was exasperating him.
"I'm tired of fighting with you." Lisbon agreed.
"Fine do one thing and I promise I'll stop declaring my undying love for you. No more mentions of romance." Jane bargained.
"Will you still leave?" Her fear crept into her voice.
"Five minutes from now if you say we can never be together, I'll stay regardless of the outcome, for you, I give you my word." Jane swore.
"What do I have to do, what's the catch?" Lisbon knew what he was going to do would be big if he gave into her demands so easily.
"Simple, just close your eyes and stay still."
"Why what are you going to do?" Her betraying body jerked at the thought he might kiss her.
"Nothing without your permission I promise, this one thing and my poor battered ego and I will leave you alone." Silly woman, she was more skittish than a kitten.
"You promised not to..."
"I meant your apartment Teresa; I would never be able to leave you permanently." He smiled in spite of himself.
"I don't want to do this Jane" she whispered.
"Why" he softly asked, approaching her.
"I don't know" she covered, wishing she had never spoken.
"Liar" he chuckled, "Now close your eyes."
As she did Jane saw her pulse quicken, beating the drumbeat of her heart. If she was going to make him stay by her side, nearby but never touching, then these next few minutes he would savour, like a last meal on death row. Death by Teresa Lisbon, no doubt the preferred choice of consultants everywhere when it comes to their losing their lives he thought.
He started slow, his body mere centimetres from hers, their combined body heat smouldering as the two fronts met. Lisbon stiffened preparing herself to resist what was coming; she both wanted and dreaded it at the same time. Foolish woman he wouldn't do anything without her say so, he had given his word.
He leaned his head down to the crevice where her shoulder met her neck. Jane ran the tip of his nose down along the curve of her slender shoulder. He hovered with his mouth over her collarbone breathing in the scent of her.
His hands loosely grasped her wrists, easily encircling the small area with his fingers. He moved his digits up her bare skin. His nails ticklishly scraped the delicate skin of her arms; goose bumps arose in response to his tantalizing touch.
Jane wanted nothing more than to do this to her whole body, naked, perhaps with whipped cream. He desired her so much, every part, every inch, he wanted to worship and embrace her, to see her beside him in the dawn light, every morning. However he first had to convince her to let herself go, to stop listening to her mind and follow her heart.
She shuddered under his touch, curving her upper body closer to him, just like she did on the dance floor. Her body craved his touch, she knew it and he knew it. She had effectively closed the final gap between him.
He moved his mouth to the soft spot in the cleft of her neck, suspended just above it, letting his breath touch her in the manner his mouth longed to. He let the warm most air blows lightly over the point slowly, in and out, while his finger tips continued their sensuous assault on her arms.
The tension mounted, he admired her ability to remain so still, she had mastered some of biofeedback tricks.
"Tell me you want me Teresa" he murmured against her.
"No" she croaked out.
His tongue darted out, flicking against her skin, tasting her. She trembled again at the contact.
Moving his right hand up he pushed back some of her hair from her face. He entangled his hand at the upper part of her back, threading his fingers through her raven mane, losing himself to the tactile feel of her silky strands.
"Why not?" he hummed.
"Big elephants can always understand small elephants." She joked, her voice losing its mirth when he tugged her hair slightly. She groaned against him.
"Because is not an answer, it's a deflection." He argued, his resolve fading, he really wanted to kiss her.
Jane rested his forehead against hers, looking deeply into her almost black eyes, his pupils were no doubt equally as big, both their iris's erased by wanton lust.
"You think you're suffering now Jane, you broke my heart, I know what's coming for us." She teared up as she said it. He looked deep into her, seeing only the honesty of her statement.
"I didn't mean to Lisbon."
"The men in my life never do" She chuckled humourlessly.
"I'm not them, I made a mistake but I didn't realise at the time. I do now... I won't make it again." He vowed.
"Who's to say you won't?" She argued.
Jane had a burst of inspiration, it was wild and stupid, he was nuts to consider it. He wanted to though, that's what scared him.
His mind was invaded by different images, possibilities flashing through it. All the moments he had seen over the past few months, mixed happily with the ones he desired, Lisbon in the tiara and diamonds, Lisbon in beautiful dresses, nights out, nights in, her beneath him, her pregnant.
"Marry me" He blurted out.
"What are you crazy?" She stepped back.
"Crazy possibly, truthful definitely, you say you think I'll leave you again, well I know you understand how I feel about marriage. If I'm in it I'm in it for life and a long time after that. Teresa I love you, I've loved you for nine years and I want to love you for the rest of our lives, and I'm tired of wasting time."
"Jesus Jane... we've never even kissed and you think we should marry." She asked him incredulously.
He moved in, sure it was a somewhat dubious invitation, but it was one of sorts. His lips landed softly on her parted ones. Their fire ignited and fireworks danced in tingles across their joined nerve endings.
Shock gave way to her longing and Lisbon finally responded with force, as she was so typical of doing. Pushing her body into his, she snaked her arms around his neck, allowing her to lift herself closer to Jane and join their mouths better.
Their intense first kiss went on for several minutes until air became a necessity. Stepping apart they were both stunned.
"Good things come to those who wait I guess." Jane said trying to lighten the previously sombre mood, and more importantly register Lisbon's reaction.
Lisbon leaned down and grabbed her drink downing it in one sexy flourish, licking her lips after. Damn woman and her ways, she was killing him.
"Yeah can't say I would normally recommend nine years of frustration and verbal foreplay but it seems to do the trick." She laughed, returning her glass to the table with shaky hands.
"You haven't answered my question" Jane pointed out, trying to minimise his nervous tells. He always came undone around her.
"What question?" Lisbon scrunched up her face in confusion. She saw Jane's face fall with barely concealed hurt. "You mean marriage? You were serious?"
"As I said, I don't take the sanctity of marriage lightly, so yes of course I meant it, just like I mean I love you and I won't hurt you again."
"We've never even dated."
He gave her a withering look, "Nine years of dinners, coffees, movies, late night chats, long drives, bands, more dinners and you say we've never dated" he sniffed.
"The team was with us for some of those. Therefore they don't count."
"Yes I suppose the kids were there, but that doesn't matter, I'm sure we'll have our own biological ones in similar situations. So they still count as dates."
Lisbon looked aghast at the suggestion, plonking heavily onto the couch behind her.
"You're serious" she double checked.
Jane nodded, sitting down opposite her on the coffee table, watching all the emotions, questions and doubts flow over her. The stream of emotions was like a moving tapestry, weaving their story. Finally she looked into his eyes again.
"No, I won't marry you."
Jane was crushed, for the first time he knew he would have to break his word to her and leave for a while. He moved to stand up. She grabbed his hand and pulled him back down.
"Relax Mister Mentalist; I won't marry you... yet. Faux dates are one thing I want the real McCoy. In the future, if all goes well then Ill consider your proposition, but for now we can see how things go." She smiled at him.
Jane's face broke out into his infamous grin; it went from ear to ear, his eyes shone his joy, like the sun had hit the sea making all the colours come alive.
"Okay I can live with that, but I could also live with a quick flight to Vegas" he suggested hopefully
"Jane" She warned.
"Patrick, Teresa, its Patrick, so what now?" He wanted to dance, scream to the world and get her down the aisle and in the family way.
"Well I have a bottle of wine and a cosy couch, not to mention a strong desire to see what our second kiss is like" Lisbon teased, leaning back against the couches cushions.
Patrick Jane crawled over her, her small frame dwarfed underneath him. He knew he was a dead man but what a way to go.
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