CHAPTER 2

-:- He Who Hesitates is Lost -:-

2016 -:- Present Day

The family never talked about our time in Forks, they knew it was too painful for me. I was surprised Carlisle had suggested we go back. We were running a risk by going back to Forks so soon. We tended to wait until at least one generation had passed, but frankly we were out of options. We were tired of being constantly on the move and we didn't have anywhere else to go. The area around Vancouver and Seattle had been hit, so we hoped Forks had been abandoned. Carlisle had assured us the house still stood after all these years, however it wasn't in the best of conditions. I wasn't sure how he knew this, and he wasn't volunteering that information either, but I knew he wouldn't lead us astray.

Our family was hoping the food supply would be a little bit better on the West coast, under the cover of the forest. We couldn't continue living the way we were anymore. Every one of us was exhausted and spent, and we needed a place where we felt safe, hoping to start over in the only place we had ever truly called 'home.'

As we passed from District to District, we started hearing the rumors and stories of a new District in the South. We'd heard the rumblings for a few years now, which was another reason we wanted to go back to Forks; we needed to establish a base do some investigating without having to worry about being constantly on the move, and together all the time.

Something was brewing in the South and we needed to find out where the rumors stemmed from. There were whispers of those who could not die; people who didn't age, didn't get sick and drank blood to survive. The Districts warned us of these Ravagers, people who were cast out, sick from the radiation who would steal, murder and pillage their way across the country. They were an extremely violent group and the Districts lived in fear of them. They feared the radiation did something to their brains which drove them to their derangement or worse cannibalism.

But we knew differently. The vampires were starving, like the humans, and they were risking everything to survive. And like the humans, our leaders were just as absent. Our laws were being broken, and this did not bode well for any of us. We had co-existed peacefully for thousands of years, and now the world had changed, theirs and ours. The creation of the Districts caused a lot of problems for the vampire. Nomadic by nature, they couldn't exactly stroll in and out of these highly defensive and extremely paranoid Districts to feed freely. We knew these "raids" that the humans of spoke of, people being taken by these Ravagers, were possibly not the work of humans at all. Carlisle felt it was paramount we discover the truth behind the rumors, because he knew our family would be at risk along with so many others, vampire and human alike.

As we drove into Forks, or what was left of the main part of town, images flashed through my mind of what it used to be like. I was feeling even more uneasy if that was possible. The town had indeed changed, and that was an understatement. There was no town of Forks, it was completely abandoned, just as we thought. After the war, many of the small towns too far from the larger cities slowly died away. They just couldn't survive without the support of the larger Districts. It was difficult to see these 'ghost towns' as we passed from former state to state, but after a while they all looked the same, even Forks.

We drove past the High School, and I grimaced at the site of it. The windows were all gone and the roof had caved in. It was a shell of what I remembered it to be. More images flashed through my head, biology lab, microscopes, the lunchroom, a bottle cap. I silently moaned for everything that was lost as I absently reached into my pocket, feeling the edges of the worn cap that I had managed to hold on to after all these years. I turned my head away from the window, I couldn't look anymore. I didn't know if I could handle this, I had lost so much after we left, we all did.

Edward, are you okay? Esme asked me silently, knowing my memories were rushing back. I shrugged not wanting to break my silence and gave her a quick smile, but I knew I wasn't fooling her. She gave me a sympathetic smile in return and touched my shoulder lovingly. I could hear the rest of my family in the other vehicles desperately trying to keep their thoughts at bay. I was grateful, but it wasn't helping. I closed my eyes, thinking about all the regretful decisions I had made in my life.

Why did I leave her? Why didn't I change her? Why didn't I find her in time?There were so many "whys" that I couldn't answer and I had been slowly driving myself mad with them over the last great difficulty,I opened my eyes, only to see Carlisle's reflecting back at me in the review mirror.

Son, I know how painful this must be for you. I can't imagine what all this is bringing up. I can't express the gratitude and love for you and all you have done for this family. I winced as I thought back to those early days and what we had gone through. Nodding my head at him, I turned to look out the window again.

The only reason I was alive right now was out of duty to my family. I owed them for so many things, and they needed me. I was not about to let anyone else down. I would do this . I would get them through this and I would die doing so. It was as simple as that.

I always said I wouldn't live in a world without Bella. And I would make good on that promise. I would see her again in the next life and she would be waiting for me. I just hoped she was watching me, knowing I was redeeming myself for her. For my failure to save her and leaving her to fend for herself.

I did believe God and Heaven existed, because I had seen Hell. I had been living it every day for the last ten years. This was my chance at salvation, my only hope at seeing her again in the next life. It was all I clung to, because I couldn't continue if I didn't hang on to that belief. I would see my family safe and happy once again, and then I would leave this godforsaken place and pray that God judged me worthy to be with Bella again. I had to believe that.

.

WE PASSED THROUGH THE town and over the bridge of what was once the Calawah River, long since dried up. The winding road northward had always been overgrown with the encroaching forest. The canopy used to create a giant blanket making the sun impenetrable to the ground below, but now it was sparse. The old growth forest had pretty much all but died, leaving standing deadwood everywhere. The canopy was gone, but the forest floor was blanketed with new growth and the green vegetation flourished. It was such a drastic contrast; the enormous, ancient dead trees standing as warriors guarding these young saplings, almost as if they were sharing their stories, offering comfort as these new trees struggled to live. It was all rather poetic, the vegetation flourishing while humanity still waned.

I was trying to be patient, hoping to catch a glimpse of the unpaved lane to turn off on to, but the forest floor was overgrown and misted over. Suddenly, I jerked forward as we screeched to a halt. Carlisle reversed the vehicle and turned into what I would call a small divot on the side of the road. The giant ferns had returned, as well as other vegetation, and they had completely overtaken our road making it almost impassable, but we managed in our vehicles. Gone were the days of our flashy cars, they were just not practical. Now it was about safety, size and fuel, or in other words, survival. Our unpaved lane was completely hidden from the main road. I felt a tiny bit of hope for the first time in months … since our decision to come back. Maybe, just maybe, the house would still be standing untouched.

The driveway wound on and on, and I started getting edgy. How long had we been driving? We should have reached the house by now. Everything was so different that nothing looked familiar. What if Carlisle was wrong? What if the house was no longer standing? As much as I didn't want to come back, I needed the house to be here. We had been constantly on the move for so long that we were finally ready to settle down and start over. For the past ten years, Carlisle had been so hell-bent on helping where he could, that we never had a place to call home. When he approached us with the idea of returning to Forks, we didn't know what to think. Alice, along with Jasper, immediately said yes, as did Esme. Rosalie was indifferent, and Emmett just wanted a place to sit his behind other than in his jeep. I, of course, rebuked the idea. It took a lot of convincing on Alice's part, but I eventually saw the benefit of having a home for my family. If I knew they were settled and safe, I could get on with my life, my plan.

I was just about to ask Carlisle if this was the right road, when there was a break overhead in the barren treetops, definitely more pronounced than I remembered. The newly grown ground vegetation had not waited long to reclaim the area, and the leafy ferns had grown right up to the house. But the house was there, but obviously not the same. I breathed again, and my fist relaxed from gripping its counterpart during the entire drive up the lane.

There was much that had changed on the outside. Esme's immaculate gardens were gone. The concrete sidewalk and stairs had multiple cracks from the weeds that had managed to break their way through. The white wash was dirty and aged, and the shutters were all but gone along with the windows. The eaves troughs had fallen away from the house and the roof definitely needed repair. But the front door was still intact, and so was the garage. The house was here, still standing in all its rundown glory.

I could hear Emmett's thoughts behind us in his jeep. Wow! It looks so creepy, like a vampire actually lives here! Bella would get a kick out of this.

But she wasn't here and it was all my fault. Ten years later, I still flinched at hearing her name. There were so many memories here that it was going to be extremely difficult coming back to the house, but I was resolved that it was one step closer to Bella.

2006 -:- Past Memories

As soon as we had accepted the gravity of Alice's visions, the family sprang into action. We didn't know how much time we had, but Alice's visions eventually continued with a force that was too much for her to take. Jasper did his best to bear much of her pain, but she couldn't make any clear sense of anything. I tried my best to be with her when they happened, hoping that between the two of us we might decipher something relevant. But the visions were much like the first one, pain, agony, and despair. And they were so sporadic; she couldn't focus on any one thing in particular. I had asked her to find Bella, but she couldn't channel any of the visions, the chaos and destruction overpowered anything else that she may have seen. I was growing frantic with every passing hour, unsure as to what to do.

It had been forty-eight hours since the first vision and we were still no closer to a game plan. I tried calling the Swan residence as soon as we came to our assumption. I didn't want to, but I needed to do something. I hadn't really thought anything through when I picked up the phone. It had been six months, and I had no idea what I was going to say to her. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got Charlie's voice on the answering machine, and then I quickly hung up. How was I supposed to just pick up the phone and talk to her as if I never said any of those lies—the blackest kind of blasphemy.

"You…don't…want me?"

"No."…

…"Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

She probably wouldn't even want to talk to me. I wasn't thinking straight when I made the phone call. I had to think this through. What if Alice's vision wasn't going to come to fruition? I couldn't just enter Bella's life again. I would never be able to leave this time. And I couldn't do that to her, she didn't deserve that. We needed to get a better understanding of what was going to happen before I started rushing in and disrupting her life. I hoped after six months she had moved on, even if I never would. Like I never existed. That was what I wanted for her, even if my cold dead heart said otherwise.

We debated for countless hours on where we were going to go, and what we were going to do. Running through every scenario that was possible, making detailed lists of what supplies we would need and how we were going to get them. Everyone was itching to channel their energy somewhere.

Jasper was busy researching every bit of news, information and foreign content on the internet. He was looking for any kind of traffic on the web that would indicate the severity of Alice's visions. He was determined to find the source of this threat. But then what? Then what would we do?

"Carlisle, we have to do something. Anything," Emmett pleaded, ever the fighter.

"Son, what do you propose we do? Alice's visions are subjective, you know that. It still could change. Nothing is for certain," Carlisle reasoned with him.

Emmett firmly voiced his thoughts. "I can't sit by and watch it all go down like last time, Carlisle. I was supposed to be in that war, and instead I had to watch my friends and family go through it all without me. I was probably supposed to die over there, but instead…" Emmett didn't finish his sentence, he just shook his head. He never begrudged what Carlisle had done for him. Out of all of us, he was the one who accepted what we were the most. But he was changed in 1935, a few years before America entered World War II. I remember how torn up he was about not being able to join the fight. His two younger brothers stormed the beaches of Normandy and were killed in action. I knew he still felt the guilt over that. His mother lost three sons before their time, and he had never been able to comfort her.

"Emmett, Carlisle's right. I've seen so many wars pass me by." Jasper turned from the computer. "I was born to be a soldier, and it was torture for me too, not to be a part of them. But this is different. This isn't going to be like the wars we've witnessed in the past. I'm not sure if there is anything we can do. I have been researching all that I can and I've come up empty. There isn't anything out of the ordinary happening. It's just the usual chatter about North Korea and China. Even the Middle East is relatively quiet. I don't know where this is going to come from. And there won't be any battles," he finished quietly.

I could hear Rosalie's impatient thoughts, just waiting to burst through. "Well I can't sit here and wait! This is ridiculous. What are we supposed to do? Stop our lives and wait to be blown to bits? I wish Alice never had her stupid vision! Or maybe she should have kept it to herself until she knew something more definite instead of ruining the rest of our lives." Rosalie piped up in her usual selfish way, and stormed out of the room. Alice's face fell, and I could hear the guilt and turmoil in her thoughts. Jasper stiffened as he felt what I knew she was thinking.

Emmett got up from the table and walked over to Alice trying to reassure her. "She didn't mean it. She's just scared, that's all." He bent down and softly rubbed her shoulders. "Don't let her get to you. You know how she can be when she's scared. We both love you, and nothing will ever change that. Okay?" Alice looked up into Emmett's face. She was so unsure of herself it pained me to listen to her thoughts. He placed his hand on her chin and spoke softly, "Okay?"

She nodded her head and smiled at him. No one could resist Emmett's charm.

"Now, I better go talk her down." He nodded his head at Jasper, got up and rushed out of the kitchen after his incorrigible wife. Rosalie was a pain, but we all owed her the day she chose Emmett. No one was a better man for Rosalie and he was definitely a saint to be able to put up with her.

Jasper extracted himself from the desk and made his way over to Alice's defeated form. "It's not your fault, love. We will figure this out, and your visions will come back." He picked her up, placing her in his lap. We all sat there quietly not knowing what we should do next.

Edward, I'm sorry I can't find her. I'm sorry I don't know anything more. She repeated, ashamed of herself.

We were all putting extra pressure on Alice and I especially wasn't helping her. My worries over Bella were causing her distress. It wouldn't be long before she snapped.

"Don't be. I know you would do anything in your power to protect her. No one expects you to be omniscient. This is my fault. We'd all be in Forks right now if I hadn't made the decision to leave. I think the best thing for me to do is to go to Forks on my own. Just to be near her if something does change."

"We'll all go," said Carlisle.

"No, I can't have that. I have to remain discreet. If nothing comes of these visions, I need to be able to leave without her knowing I was there. If the family comes, it will be much harder to remain undetected. Besides, you don't want to live the last of your days cooped up in hiding do you?" I tried to make light of the situation.

"We are a family. We go together."

"Carlisle, I'm not having this discussion. This is what I want. If Alice's visions change, I will have to speak to Bella. I need to warn her and Charlie and whoever else we can think of. But only if the visions become concrete and not before, I won't risk it."

We stared at each other as the scenarios played out in his mind.

I don't like this Edward. We shouldn't be separated.

"I promise I won't be far behind if something changes, but I need to do this." The irony that I had said those same words to Alice less than forty-eight hours ago was not lost on me. I would go to Forks and silently watch Bella, and wait for word from Alice. This was all I could do to make things right. If the visions became clearer, I would have to force myself back into her life, there was no other option. I had no idea what I would say , or more importantly do to her, but I would take this one step at a time.

I could already see the plans forming in Carlisle's head. He was thinking about the people of Forks who we had all lived alongside of for the past few years. He was thinking of the doctors and nurses at the hospital, about Charlie and the police force, and for a brief second, Billy Black flashed though his head and the rest of the Quileute's. I growled at the idea of helping them when they were nothing more than inhospitable to any of us. But Carlisle's compassion always shined through, and he would help anywhere he could, even if it meant sheltering a hostile enemy. He would protect them all.

Startled out of Carlisle's thoughts and plans, I heard something large being dragged across the floor above us. Emmett was silently cursing the locked doorknob to his room and planned to rectify the situation. Rosalie had locked him out of their bedroom … again. This was not something new—it happened more times than I could count, but Emmett knew it was different this time. His 'girl' was scared and he needed to get in there to comfort her. So instead of breaking down the door and risking Esme's wrath, he decided on the one thing that always managed to get through to her. I groaned knowing what he was planning. This was definitely not the time to be doing that.

Jasper, feeling my annoyance, silently asked what was happening. I rolled my eyes at him, as we all heard the first few notes blaring from the PlayStation speakers before Emmett's voice followed.

Emmett was belting out Neil Diamond, Singstar style.

Jasper and I shook our heads trying to fight the smirk playing out on both of our lips. I never truly understood my brother, Emmett. How he could take a grave situation such as this, and turn the tables into a karaoke sing-a-long. Sometimes I wished I could let go of all my reservations just like him.

Esme came rushing into the room knowing all too well what that song meant. She took one look at Alice curled up in Jasper's arms. "What's he done this time?"

It wasn't often that Emmett pulled out 'Cracklin' Rose,' he knew better than to abuse it. When Rosalie was like this, it was about the only thing that would make her come around, well at least quickly anyway.

Esme looked to Carlisle and then to me expecting us to answer her, but it was Alice that raised her head. "It's not him, Rosalie is upset with me," she spoke quietly.

"Alice, please, this is not your fault. You are looking out for each and every one of us. Rosalie knows this. She's just being her usual, stubborn, attention-grabbing self. Just ignore her, I do," I said.

Jasper looked at me as I watched thoughts playing out in his head. He was imagining our 6'5" over 200+lbs. vampire brother singing and gyrating outside the locked door. And as soon as Emmett reached "Oh, I love my Rosie child" we could no longer contain our laughter. A low chuckle started in both of our chests, as Jasper knew I could see him imagining Emmett in a sparkly shirt like the Legend himself.

Esme took one look at Jasper and I, trying to stop our laughter and failing miserably. She raised her hands in defeat and sighed. The corners of her mouth started to turn upward as she struggled with the notion of reprimanding us for our ridiculous behaviour or joining us in our miserable attempt at stifling our laughter. She couldn't contain herself any longer and eventually joined us in our little chuckles. It was Carlisle's uproarious laughter that eventually put us all over the edge. The music ended, and we found ourselves all howling at the hilarity of it all. We had been so tense and on edge for the past forty-eight hours, it was as if the flood gates had opened and we couldn't stop. We were all hysterical and never heard Emmett come into the kitchen with Rosalie tucked in next to him. His arm was around her shoulder, holding tight as if restraining her from making a run for it back up to their room.

We slowly managed to contain ourselves as Emmett cleared his throat.

He was grinning like a fool, clearly amused with himself. "Alice, Rose has something she wants to say to you."

Rosalie wouldn't look at any of us as she made her way over to Alice. Esme stood and placed her hand on Rosalie's cheek as if to say, 'we forgive you.'

"You know I didn't mean it, right?" Alice nodded her head as Rosalie continued, "It's just a lot to take in."

Alice knew that was the closest Rosalie would ever get to an apology, and she jumped to her feet hugging her fiercely. "Believe me, I know."

"And that, gentlemen, is how it's done." Emmett bowed.

I've often wondered what purpose my life served. Why did I bother to live on forever in this mundane existence? What was the point of it all? As I looked around the room at the six people I had come to love so dearly, come to call family, I knew the reason why I lived in a world where my days never truly ended. We all loved each other—and in the madness that was to follow, we would all risk our immortality to protect one another. And in that moment, the hole in my heart that had been haunting me for six months ripped wide open. I wanted Bella to be a part of this family. I needed her to be a part of this and to share my life with her for however long we had left. For the first time ever, I allowed myself to think of the words 'Bella' and 'eternity' together. I had to find her and beg her for forgiveness.