CHAPTER 3

-:- To Travel Hopefully is a Better Thing Than to Arrive -:-

2006 -:- Past Memories

I left for Forks a few hours later with the Volvo packed with as many supplies I would need in the event Alice's visions took an unexpected turn. We worked out so many contingency plans, it was hard to keep them straight. If we were separated without the ability to communicate, we had to make sure we could find each other again. I was taking my Volvo to Forks, and that was the only impractical vehicle we would be keeping for the moment. Rosalie and Emmett were going to be busy trying to sell Carlisle's Mercedes and Rose's BMW … and my Vanquish. I winced at the idea of relinquishing my favorite car into the hands of a human. I convinced myself it was for the greater good. We were immobilizing and that meant as much quick capital as we could manage without drawing attention to ourselves.

Emmett was going to keep his Jeep and have Rosalie do some modifications on it. In exchange for our fancy non-practical vehicles, Jasper was trying to acquire some military grade armored Humvees. It's not that we needed them armored, but if we had Bella with us, I knew it would be the safest thing for her until other arrangements could be made. The Humvees would be the only thing that would probably be able to handle the terrain after the bombs hit. Rosalie was planning to kit them out with anything we would need to maneuver in a war-zone, and Jasper was even planning on getting some sort of fuel truck, but he hadn't thought that fully through as of yet.

I had pulled Carlisle aside before I left, needing to talk to him privately. I was worried about Alice, whether or not she was going to be okay, I needed to know this before leaving the family. She was complaining of a constant pain in her head, and the visions were coming on stronger, more frequent, and when they did, they pretty much crippled her. Carlisle's mind had been relatively quiet on the matter, and that had me worried. I followed him to the out-building we were using as a garage for our vehicles, hoping the others couldn't hear us.

"Carlisle, I'm worried about Alice."

He quickly looked at me, then back at the floor. His thoughts were randomly flashing through medical procedures as he tried his best to hide what he was thinking.

"You've never hidden your thoughts from me before. It must be bad."

You have other things you need to focus on at the moment.

"Carlisle, that's not fair, I need to know if Alice is all right before I leave."

He raised his head, looking me in the eyes. He was solemn as he spoke, "The truth is I don't know what to make of it. I don't know how to help her. The pain she speaks of in her head is nothing I have ever heard of with our kind. It's not like I can prescribe some acetaminophen and tell her to lie down and take a nap." I don't know how to help her. I've never felt so helpless.

"Do you have an idea what is causing the pain? Is it the lack of visions?"

It could be—that's the theory I have been contemplating, he thought, but then continued out loud. "The best I can guess is that whatever is coming is so traumatic that Alice herself is blocking the visions to keep from re-experiencing it. It's like a defense mechanism of sorts. I liken it to a case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's not like vampires can exhibit the common signs or symptoms, so I can't be sure, but I do think this may be self-induced. Alice's mind is protecting her from what is coming." He walked over to his Mercedes and gingerly ran his fingers over the trunk before placing both hands on the end, bowing his head. He stood still for a minute or two, and I tried my best to let him have his thoughts.

"How do we help her?"

He straightened, turning to face me. "Well, we can't exactly medicate her. It's such a different scenario because it hasn't even happened yet, but the best we can do is to keep her calm and as stress-free as possible."

"I suppose my anxiety over Bella hasn't exactly been helping her."

"Edward, we all love Bella," he said, as he placed his hand on my shoulder, "the best thing you could do for Alice is to find Bella and keep her safe." He was looking into my eyes and I nodded in agreement. He pulled me into his arms and embraced me as the father I knew him as for all these years. She belongs here with you, with us. Go. Find her and bring her back to us.

.

ESME AND CARLISLE LEFT the same time as I did, they wanted to warn as many of our friends as possible. Their first stop was back to Alaska to warn Kate, Tanya and the others and get them prepared. The rest of the family was going to be busy organizing and acquiring as many supplies as possible without raising too many suspicions.

We had debated for hours as to how we should approach this. We couldn't exactly have Alice wave her freak flag to the public shouting about nuclear war and the end of the world. Jasper was adamant that we not put Alice in any kind of danger, however slight it might be.

If there was one thing that Carlisle had learned from his time on earth as a vampire, it was that the human race did not do well with things that were different. No, Alice claiming she saw the destruction of the world publicly was not something we would do until the time was right … until we were certain. The fact that she was a vampire had nothing to do with it. She spent most of her human life locked up for her visions, and there was no way we were going to subject her to that kind of risk or chastising again.

If we were to go public, we would first have to contact the Volturi, our kind's closest thing to Royalty. They were the ones who regulated and enforced the rules, and they would have to be contacted as to how they would want us to proceed. Carlisle was unsure of what their reaction would be, so he wanted to wait until things were more definite. We had successfully avoided the Volturi all these years, and none of us wanted to draw attention to our family if it wasn't necessary. Carlisle would handle his old friends when the time arose.

I was approaching the state line of Washington when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID … Alice, I held my breath for a few seconds before answering.

"What did you see?"

"Well 'hello' to you too!"

"Sorry, I'm just wound tight."

"I knew you would be—that's why I'm calling. I was just checking to see if you were okay. This business of not having my "sixth sense" and knowing how you are is driving me insane. No pun intended," she said, laughing. That was a good sign, at least she was still laughing.

"Thanks," I said, hoping she could hear the smile in my voice. "And here I thought you were calling to convince me about Bella again."

"Well, now that you mentioned it…"

"Alice." My tone warned her.

"Okay, okay! I just want her to be safe, and I want you to be happy."

"I know. I just haven't figured out how I can do that yet."

"You know my answer to that—"

I groaned into the phone. I knew exactly what she meant. Even though I had made the decision to go back to Bella, I was still undecided as to what that would mean for the two of us. I wanted her with me, but I knew I would wait as long as possible before making any decisions as to her immortality. Besides, I wasn't even sure she would still want me. Maybe she had moved on…

"She still loves you. I don't need to be able to see the future to know that. She'll forgive you."

"Let's hope so, Alice. I'm hoping."

We chatted for a bit longer as I got closer to Forks, and closer to Bella. I said my good-bye to Alice, silently wishing I could believe her, but a part me was preparing for the worst. Bella might not want anything to do with me.

Arriving at the outskirts of Forks around four in the morning, I sat in my car a few blocks away from Bella's house. It was early Saturday morning, too early to knock on the Chief of Police's door. I so desperately wanted to crawl inside Bella's window and watch her sleep, I never tired of those nights and I longed to see her, but I didn't trust myself. My thirst would have to be fully satiated if I was going to be seeing Bella. It had been six months, and I was afraid that all my hard work at desensitizing myself to her smell, would no longer apply. I could remember the scent and taste of Bella's blood with perfect clarity. I knew remembering it and experiencing it were going to be two very different things. I needed to prepare myself for that inevitable wave of thirst and hunger that caused my throat to burst into flame every time I was near her.

So instead, I drove back to the town limits and allowed myself to hunt for a few hours, passing the time until it was a reasonable hour to call on the Swan's. I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I had consumed, hoping that my lack of hunger would outweigh my desire for her blood. I was going to have enough to deal with on our first meeting, without having to try and control my thirst.

How does one approach this? Should I bring something? Flowers? Chocolate? 'Hi Bella, it's me, your former hundred and five year old vampire boyfriend who walked out on you and told you some of the most horrific lies. Oh and by the way, I've changed my mind because the world is ending and I do want to be with you for whatever little time we have left. Here, I brought you some flowers.'

Yeah, because flowers would lessen that blow! I was actually grateful Alice's visions were on the fritz, I could just see everyone sitting around laughing at my ineptness as she relayed my decisions. Emmett would never let me live it down.

The sun had risen behind the clouds. It was a typical gray day in Forks. I made my way up the street to the house and smiled at my tree and my window. Mine. At least they were mine. I blew out a sigh of relief as I looked at the house—nothing had changed, not that I had expected it to, but it comforted me all the same. I knew my heart could not beat anymore, but it definitely felt like it was about to. Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? No, probably not.

I pulled into the driveway behind Charlie's cruiser, panicking a little that Bella's truck wasn't in the driveway. It was too early for her to be working, and I wondered if she was still working at Newton's store. Newton. What if she was with him? My thoughts started to trail off to all sorts of scenarios of Bella and that vile Mike Newton. Get a grip Cullen. This was what you wanted for her. You have no right to be upset. Maybe the old beast of a truck had finally died. Good riddance. I chuckled and hoped to God and the powers above, that was what had happened.

I took a deep breath to clear my head and opened the car door. This is it. I had to make this right with Bella. I didn't want to wait any longer—I wanted to start forever today. I prayed again to those same powers above that I wasn't too late and despite my wishes six months ago, that she hadn't moved on.

Someone was in the kitchen and I deduced it was Charlie from his thoughts. He was getting ready to leave to go fishing … again. I raised my arm and gently knocked on the door before taking a step back. I could hear Charlie's thoughts as he wondered who would be at the door so early.

Panic started to set in again and for a brief moment I thought of fleeing back to the car. I could make it down the road before Charlie even made it to the door. As I weighed the options, the seconds ticked by and the door swung open revealing a baffled Charlie staring at me wide-eyed.

I gave him a courteous smile and raised my eyebrows.

"Chief Swan," I greeted him. My voice was stretched, barely recognizable even to myself.

I watched as recognition and then shock crossed his face, which was followed by his thoughts of pure anger toward me. I watched the images of Bella broken after I had left her. These images flooded his mind over and over. I stumbled backward slightly while I was assaulted with these images of Bella shattered. Bella crumpled in the arms of a large, strange man, a hollow expression on her face. Bella fading and crumbling right before Charlie's eyes, a ghost of her former self. I saw everything I had put her through in the last few months and I felt as if I were reliving it with him. What had I done? Bella was broken. I had tried so desperately to protect her, and in the end I was right, I had destroyed her.

Charlie's voice snapped me out of my daze. "What the hell are you doing here?" he seethed. "You have some nerve showing up here, kid. After what you did?" He shook his head in disbelief. "You have three seconds to get off my property or I'll arrest you for trespassing and I'll lock you up myself."

"Please, Chief Swan—let me—"

"Explain?" he asked incredulously. "Why don't you explain to me how you left my daughter by herself in the woods that night, without so much as a thought to her well-being." His voice started to rise. "How's about you explain to me how you left her without so much as a warning? Or how you've had absolutely no contact with her over the last few months?"

He was yelling at me now, a string of curse words left his mouth and I knew I deserved every bit of it, but I was anxious to see her and didn't want to listen to him anymore. He could yell at me all he wanted to after I got a chance to see Bella.

"Char-li—" I tried to interject.

"Excuse me?" His eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of his head. His thoughts were filled with pure hatred of what I did to his daughter. He blamed me for … losing her? What? What did he mean losing her?

"Charlie, where is she?" I was angry now. He wasn't giving me a chance to talk, and I'd had about enough, I just needed to know where she was.

He narrowed his eyes, but stilled himself. "She's gone, Edward, and that's all I'm going to tell you. You don't deserve anything more."

2016 -:- Present Day

"Ah, breaker breaker, this is Grizzly Bear, do you copy, Poppa Bear?"

My memory of the past was interrupted by the static of the radio and Emmett's booming voice. Emmett's music was blaring from his Jeep which was parked right behind us. Whenever we were driving he thought it was hilarious to play any kind of "apocalyptic" type music. He said it was the closest thing he was going to get to feeling like he was in the military, and wanted to experience it for all it was worth.

We moved as a unit to never risk being separated. That was the only rule Carlisle asked us to abide by, because the idea of any one of us being separated terrified Esme. Without Alice's visions, and with how savage everything had become, we never knew where we were going to be at any given time. So we travelled as a convoy. Carlisle and Esme drove point in the first humvee, Rosalie and Alice followed behind in the other, Jasper was behind them in the fuel truck, and Emmett always pulled up the rear in his jeep. I would alternate between each of the vehicles giving them a break whenever they needed it. I didn't like to stay with one person too long and would have preferred my own vehicle to wallow in my guilt, but Alice and Esme insisted I not drive alone for that very same reason.

Rosalie did manage to equip all of our vehicles with everything we would ever need, including short-wave radios. We didn't use them often because we never strayed too far from each other where I couldn't hear everyone. But we took precautions with everything we did, and the radios did come in handy, except when Emmett hijacked them. We couldn't get him off the radio most of the time, and then Carlisle would have to revoke his radio privileges and take his mic away. We were all grateful for those days.

Carlisle turned off the Humvee and grabbed the mic from the dashboard. "Yes, Emmett, what do you want? We can hear you just fine, without the radio."

"I told you! Use my handle! You don't know who may be listening."

"Then why are you using the radio?" I raised my voice knowing he could hear me easily enough.

So serious all the time. What's bugging you now? Emmett scoffed.

I growled in response as Esme stepped in. "Emmett, honey, what is it you wanted?"

None of us had gotten out of our vehicles yet. Everyone's thoughts were filled with apprehension as to what we could expect to find inside the house. We had all been waiting for this for ten years, a place to call home, and if we couldn't stay, the disappointment would be palpable.

Emmett sighed. "From the looks of the house, we won't have to be moving any time soon. And … I just wanted to use the radio one last time, for old time's sake. We've been through a lot in these vehicles. But—no—you guys had to ruin my fun."

No one spoke for a minute and then Rosalie's voice crackled over the radio. "Grizzly Bear, Grizzly Bear this is Goldilocks, come in, Grizzly Bear."

"Go ahead, Goldilocks, this is Grizzly Bear, over." We could all hear Emmett's smile in his voice as he emphasized the word 'over' for Rosalie, something we all forgot to say.

"How about we take a look inside and check to see how our bedroom fared, over." I groaned as I listened to the rest of her thoughts.

"Shut up, Edward! Don't listen to my thoughts then!" she yelled from the driver's seat of the humvee next to us.

"That's a big ten-four, Goldilocks, that's a go for Grizzly Bear, over and out!"

Emmett and Rosalie jumped from their vehicles, and raced toward the house. I did my best to block the images from their minds, but it was kind of hard to ignore them when they were like this. We were all aware of how desperately in love they were—it was quite disgusting to have to endure it. Or maybe I was just bitter that I was the only one alone. Some days it was harder than others to be constantly surrounded with three perfectly matched loves. Today was one of those days. It was even harder being back here—knowing that I was so close to having it all and I had let it slip away. There was no one else to blame but myself for my misery.

Carlisle's thoughts broke through my own.

Edward deserves happiness. He's owed it.

I grunted in disagreement and got out of the vehicle to get away from his pity. I wished I could believe that, but Carlisle gave me too much credit. I deserved everything that had happened to me—I was nothing more than a monster with selfish desires. I once wanted to take Bella's life away from her so that I could keep her forever. A monster like that did not deserve any such happiness, and I would gladly serve my punishment here on this wretched earth if it meant I would face my own judgment day with a clear conscience.

Bella— I'm so sorry. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. How much longer would I have to be here?

I walked to the back of the house toward what was once the stream that ran through our property. It wasn't completely dried up, but it was no longer clear and clean like before. I could smell the decay in the air, and I longed for the smells of the years gone by. I had hoped some things would have remained the same here, the smells of the forest being one of them. There was a faint trace of the fresh soil buried deep underneath the layers of the contaminated soil. Esme would have her work cut out for her. She wanted to grow a large garden filled with vegetables so she could trade with the humans, but it was going to take a lot of work to dig through the soil to get to some viable layers. At least there was comfort in knowing that I would be kept busy enough to keep my mind from wallowing in my self-hatred.

Jasper and Carlisle were inside the kitchen, talking about the damage that would need to be repaired on the house. The roof needed to be patched up and all the windows replaced or boarded up. That was their first priority. Alice and Esme were discussing the best plan of action to cleaning the place and making it livable. It seemed as though many of the forest's inhabitants that survived, had moved in while we were away. And Emmett and Rosalie were, well, I shook my head as I approached the back door, looking up at my window. It was dark and I couldn't make anything out, but I flashed back to an image of Bella locked in my arms as I held her in jest against my black leather couch, the two of us laughing. That had been the day I introduced her to the family. It had been one of the happiest days of my long life. Well, at least until I exposed her to three psychotic vampires, hell bent on killing her. Her number really had been up, nothing I could have done was going to change that, I mused. I had been fighting fate.

Walking in the back door of the house, I joined Jasper, Alice, Carlisle and Esme in the kitchen. I was getting tired of their looks, but again, I would endure it. Esme and Alice were always so concerned about my well being. Jasper would try his best to lighten my mood, and I always shot him a look that told him not to bother, that I didn't appreciate his interference with my state of mind.

Esme wrapped her arms around me, embracing me as a mother would comfort a son.

My son, we are here for you. It's our turn now. She held me like that for a few minutes as I thought back to those early years after the bombs. Carlisle was so stoic these days, even though I knew he harbored so much guilt about those early times.

Rosalie and Emmett finally made their way into the kitchen.

"Well, it seems the upstairs floor is—ahem—solid enough. What's happening?"

Esme released me from her arms and ran her hands through my already messed up hair.

"It's nothing, Emmett. We are just happy to be home." She emphasized home, and smiled at each and every one of us, looking us in the eyes, letting us know she finally had peace of mind.

Emmett walked over to me and clapped me on the back. You've got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt.

Yes it is, I thought. But little did my family know I had no intention of living a life without end.