CHAPTER 5

-:- The Ends Justify the Means -:-

2016 -:- Present Day

How foolish I had been, allowing myself to feel so hopeful when we had left Charlie's all those years ago.

I was completely lost in my own misery of the past that I didn't even hear someone approach until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Damn, kid, you're a mess," Emmett spoke with sympathy in his tone.

I felt him sit down beside me and we just stayed there, silent and motionless for some time. He even managed to keep his thoughts to himself.

"How did you know where I was?"

"It wasn't too difficult to track you. As soon as I saw the path you were headed on, well…"

"Why did you come? I thought you'd had enough of me like this. You don't have to be here, I'm sure you have other things you'd rather be doing."

He smiled at me, a childish grin, cocking his head to the side. "I volunteered, actually. Carlisle didn't want you to go off on your own, you know, rules and all. He was going to come after you, but I said I would. Needed to stretch my legs."

Emmett was content to just let me sit there, waiting. Minutes passed before I spoke again.

"Thanks."

He just nodded in silence. He was looking over the damage on the house.

Wow, there's nothing left.

I winced a little bit at his affirmation. He was scanning the hole below us, the one into Bella's room, when I saw his thoughts take form on a yellow and white piece of fabric, and he burst out laughing.

Shocked by his outburst, I turned to get a better look at what he was seeing, and surprisingly felt myself smirk along with him. He reached down, pulling the fabric out of the rubble.

"Well, I'll be!" He started to howl again as he remembered the day of the yellow polka dot bikini all too well.

.

IT WAS THE SUMMER before our final year of school, and Alice had planned a vacation for all of us at some remote cottage. It was so far out in the middle of nowhere that we needed to fly a float plane in to get there. I was pretty adamant that Bella and I not go—I didn't think it was a good idea for her to be alone with seven vampires on an isolated island. Alice had assured us that nothing was going to go wrong, but she had a devilish glint in her eye that told me she was up to something. I should have been firm and said, 'no,' but Bella desperately wanted to go, and all it took was one simple smile while looking up at me from under her lashes, and I was powerless. It was always rather difficult to deny her anything, despite what she thought.

I was holding out that Charlie would be on my side and tell her she couldn't go, but I was shocked when he had agreed to the weekend trip with my family. He trusted Carlisle wholly and the two spoke in detail about where we were going and what we would be doing. Carlisle managed to ease his worries, much to my chagrin. I was told over and over again to 'lighten up' by my family; that Alice was infallible, but I knew otherwise. She was up to something, and I knew it would be at my expense.

Jasper was going to have to make two trips in the plane just to take us all to the island, but with what Esme had packed in terms of food for Bella, it was looking more like three. Alice, Bella, Emmett and I would be the first to go, followed by the others. We stood at the dock organizing and repacking our bags so everything would fit in the plane. Bella was going through the boxes and culling what she knew she would never eat, when I heard her heart rate quicken. I dropped the bags I was carrying at the end of the dock, and was immediately by her side. She was slightly panicked as she rummaged through the bags on the dock.

"What is it, Bella?" my voice was full of concern and alarm.

She looked up at me to see my panic-stricken face and smiled warmly. She placed a hand on my arm to reassure me.

"Oh, it's nothing really, relax. It's just—have you seen my bag?"

Relief washed over me. I knew the pace of her heart like no other sound in the world. And I knew I over-reacted to the slightest bit of waver to it, but it was not something I could help either. I was completely attuned to it.

"No, but I know I put it in there, it must be piled underneath everything."

"Hmm. I didn't see it though. Emmett pulled everything out to repack it all and it wasn't with the other bags."

I saw Alice out of the corner of my eye trying to sneak off back up to the car. She was humming 'Henry the VIII' in her head.

"Alice!" I yelled at her. "What did you do with Bella's bag?"

She turned around and her face was full of guilt.

"Uh-oh." Jasper muddled behind me as I was sure he felt the guilt washing over his wife.

"Me? Nothing. I'm sure it's there somewhere." She laughed trying to wave it off, but I caught a glimpse of the trunk of my car in her head.

I grumbled shaking my head. "Alice…" and made my way over to the Volvo, popping the trunk. Sure enough, Bella's bag was tucked in the farthest back corner.

"Alice! Why would you do that?" Bella said, alarmingly upset. "Just what was I supposed to wear this weekend?"

"Silly Bella, I packed you a bag. It's on the dock with the others."

"I have my own clothes, thank you. And I am quite comfortable with them."

"That's the thing … no one should be comfortable with their clothes. I just wanted you to have a little more fun. I mean, come on! This…" She grabbed Bella's bag, and rummaged through it, pulling out something deep blue, "is not a bathing suit!" Alice dropped the bag, holding up an extremely modest one-piece swimsuit. "This is something your granny would wear! Not a seventeen year-old girl with a figure like yours!"

Bella blushed, and I swallowed hard as my mouth started to pool with venom as I imagined Bella in the suit Alice was holding up. All that exposed creamy skin.

Jasper let out a deep laugh.

"Alice, I think that swimming costume will be fine. Our boy here, is going to have a hard enough time as it is without you interfering."

Bella flushed even deeper as she stole a glance at me. I ran my hands through my hair not able to look at her, not wanting her to see my obvious discomfort. I hadn't even thought about this weekend and what we would be doing. Of course we would be swimming—we were going to an Island! An Island with no one around where we could all be in the sun, near the water, without reservations. We would be swimming, which would mean swimsuits, which would mean Bella in the least amount of clothing I had ever seen her in. I gulped.

Bella huffed. "What do you expect me to wear, Alice? What did you pack for me?" She started going through the bags Emmett had piled on the dock. She pulled out a bag that she assumed was hers, taking a look inside. Gasping, she pulled out two tiny pieces of material covered in pink and white stripes that were sure to be extremely revealing.

"Are you kidding me? You expect me to wear this?" Bella said horrified.

"Of course not! That's mine. This…" she giggled, pulling out a yellow polka dot bikini that was a little less revealing than the pink and white one, "is yours."

I groaned and clenched my teeth. "Not funny, Alice!"

Emmett, wondering what all the commotion was, stopped loading the plane and came up behind us.

"What's going on? Oh! A yellow polka dot bikini! Bella, that is rich, how did you know?" He joined in Alice's laughter.

"Am I missing something?" Bella asked.

I put my arm around her, hugging her closely.

"It's nothing. My siblings just think it's funny to torture me."

"Wow! She's good, my brother. Wait—you didn't know about the yellow bikini?"

"No. I didn't know about it, and Alice is the one who packed it for me."

"Alice, little sister! I never give you enough credit. You are a devious little vampire." Emmett laid out his fist for Alice to bump.

"Why 'thank you,' I try." She blinked rapidly and giggled, bumping his fist in return.

"Okay, can someone please tell me why these two think it's funny if I wear a yellow polka dot bikini?"

Jasper felt the need to explain, I pleaded with him to be kind but he just grinned wickedly at me.

"You're familiar with the song, Bella? It came out in sixties, and we were living on the east coast in Maine at the time. East Coast Doo Wop music had just started to take off. Alice and Rose were heavily into it, and Edward hated it. He was always criticizing their taste in music, calling it 'novelty' music with no depth. He claimed he didn't like any of the pop music that was breaking onto the scene."

"Ugh! He made our lives hell. Always whining when Rose and I would play our music. He took the fun out of the sixties! Bella, you think he's cranky now? He's a dream compared to back then."

Bella tried to stifle her laugh, to be kind I assumed, and I tried to protest Alice's words, but Jasper continued.

"Well, now, that was until that one day." Jasper wiggled his eyebrows smirking at me. I looked to him, pleading but he just turned back to Bella. "We all had some errands to run and everyone was out of the house, except for Edward, which wasn't that unusual. He liked to be alone as much as possible, he said he had 'stuff to do.' Well, Alice and I were the first ones to come home and were driving up the driveway, when we heard the music blaring on the Hi-fi, 'Itsy, Bitsy, Teenie, Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.'"

At this point in Jasper's story, everyone had started to giggle, including Bella, as Alice started shaking the bikini and humming the song. Bella was completely engrossed in Jasper's story and luckily wasn't looking at me. If blood ran through my veins, I would have been more flushed than Bella had ever been in her life. Of that I had no doubt, especially when I caught Jasper's next thoughts.

"We knew he was the only one home, so we pulled the car over and Alice tried to get a 'bead on him' as to what he could possibly be doing. Sure enough, he was thumbing through a—ahem—ladies catalogue—singing along to the song."

At least Jasper had been relatively kind and wasn't telling the whole story. Bella turned to look at me, a small smirk played on her lips. The others were already laughing remembering the torture they had put me through for years after that. She began to laugh along with them, and the sight of her laughter was worthy of any embarrassing story my siblings would share about me. She was beautiful in that moment, as she relived my tale of mortification along with the rest of them.

"Ever since then, we've tortured Edward relentlessly about his fetish for yellow polka dots. It's been way too long since we brought it up."

"Thanks, Jasper," I spoke through gritted teeth.

"Anytime, my brother." He pretended to tip an imaginary hat at me and lifted Alice into his arms carrying her off to the car, congratulating her in her efforts.

"Man, I forgot about that! We didn't let you live that down for the longest time."

"Yes, I remember all too well, Emmett. Thank you."

Emmett went back to packing the bags, still laughing to himself while singing that infernal song.

I looked for Bella, not sure if I could look her in the eye after that, but she was walking toward me, blushing profusely. I would give anything to know the reason behind that blush—she didn't have anything to be embarrassed about.

She put her arms around me and hugged me, smiling. I breathed in her scent and all was right again as I kissed the top of her head.

"Sorry, about that."

"Are you kidding? I love to hear stories about you, especially the ridiculously embarrassing ones. It helps me to imagine we're equals, that you're only human, well, to an extent anyway."

"Bella, we are equals. When are you going to accept that?" I pulled away from her, looking deep into her soft brown eyes. "You are everything I could ever have hoped for. I thought we had gone over this already. Do you need me to remind you? All those years, I was waiting for you. You don't know how long I've waited."

She blushed again, wrapping her arms around my neck. She exhaled a laugh into the side of my neck, her warm breath caused a rippling sensation down my spine. I wasn't sure if it was the human equivalent to shivers, but it was such a bizarre sensation and I reveled in it like always. She stood on her tiptoes to whisper in my ear.

"I'll wear the bikini for you, if you ask me to."

My eyes widened at her words and I let out a low growl as I picked her up and swung her around, kissing her hard on the mouth. She gripped my hair, pulling me closer, always trying to take it one step further. I could hear Jasper's thoughts break through my own.

Easy there, Edward. I need to make two runs with the plane before we lose the light and if you continue like that, Alice and I are going to have to delay our departure.

I broke the kiss, holding her inches away from me as she struggled to catch her breath.

"Breathe, Bella."

She sighed, grinning at me. "Do you think I will ever get used to that?"

"I hope not. But you do need to behave just a little bit better than that—I'm in control, but not that much. If you wore that, well, let's just say Alice's vision of nothing going wrong this weekend would definitely change."

Bella was constantly testing the boundaries I had so carefully established for our relationship, and that weekend I clearly remembered that I had to erect a few more. I knew there was a part of her that thought I didn't want her in that way. And I was more than happy to oblige and prove otherwise, within reason of course. I loved to look at the expression on her face when she was reminded that I always wanted her in that way. After all, I was still a man.

If I could go back and change things I would have tested those boundaries myself. I would never get the chance to know Bella like that, the way and man and woman should. I would never know a woman like that I realized. I was saddened by that thought, but I knew there would never be another. There were so many 'never's.' Just what had I been waiting for?

I would never know if it was her blood or her body that I wanted more. I knew the answer to that, but I never got to test my theory or push my self-control to its limits. And now I would never know the feel of her skin beneath my own. I would never see her body flush from my touch, or hear her breathe my name as I—

I was snapped back to the present as I heard Emmett's voice.

"Edward, I can't imagine what I would do if I lost Rose, she's my whole world, and there would never be another. So I get it. I get why you are the way you are," he paused, "but enough with the guilt, brother. This wasn't your fault. Half the world is dead. And death is a part of life."

"Then why can't I die?"

He let out a big sigh, a bit shocked at my words. "Is that what you want? You want to die, Edward?"

"Yes." I spoke the truth. I spoke honestly and matter-of-factly. I was so tired. For the past ten years I had been taking care of them, always worried about them and keeping us all together. I never had the time to grieve properly, to reflect on all that I had lost, until this past year. And now I was tired and there really was nothing left for me here, in what was left of the world.

He looked away, towards the trees. I briefly listened to his thoughts as he weighed the options of my confession. He picked up a piece of brick and threw it into the trees. I could hear the crack of the tree as the brick made contact splitting the tree in two.

It was a long time before he spoke out loud, placing a hand on my shoulder he quietly said, "Alright."

It was not the answer I had expected. His face was full of pain as he spoke the word, but he was telling the truth. He would hate himself for hurting the others, but he would help me.

It will kill Esme and the rest of them, but I'll deal with that when the time comes. If you want to end your life, Edward…I will help you.

Placing my hand on his shoulder, I looked him in the eyes, willing my gratitude on him without having to speak the words. Placing his hand over my own, he nodded his understanding.

He stood up, stretching. "Of course, it ain't going to happen until we figure out what is happening in the south first. If it comes to a fight, we are going to need you and I won't risk Rosalie's life or the others to be one man down prematurely." And if it does come to a fight, maybe I won't have to follow through…

He didn't finish his thoughts, but I knew exactly what he meant. It would be easy to be reckless in a fight.

"I can accept that, Emmett, in fact I would prefer to be around it if it does come down to that."

He raised an eyebrow, questioning my words.

"I haven't told anyone this, not even Carlisle." Emmett sat back down when he heard the gravity in my voice.

"He would probably understand better than anyone, but I know he would try to convince me to—to not die. The thing is, I'm already dead, Emmett. I feel it, I am completely dead inside. Yes, some things bring me joy, all of you bring me joy, but it pales in comparison to what I felt when I had Bella. There will never be anyone else. Bella is dead—" I swallowed. Those three words had never crossed my lips—ever. "—and I desperately want to be with her."

We sat for a moment longer. Picking up a brick, I mirrored Emmett's throw from minutes ago. I heard the crack of the splitting tree as it fell to the ground just like his had done.

"I've often thought that maybe this was my penance—to spend an eternity like this, living in my own personal hell. All because for a fleeting moment, I had wanted to take Bella's life, take her soul and this was my punishment for being a selfish monster. And maybe it is.

"I don't know if our kind has a life after death, but if there is any possibility that we do, I need to do everything within my power to make sure I can be with her. I need to make sure the people that I love are okay, safe and happy. This is my purgatory and the six of you are my redemption. It's the only thing I have been hanging on to for all these years—it's the only thing I have left. If there is a heaven, Bella is there, I'm sure of that. I just need to figure out how I can get there. Can you understand that, Emmett?"

He was solemn and stoic—he was the best brother a man could ever hope to have. He looked long and hard at me, before speaking.

"We'll get you there, Edward. I promise."

.

ROSALIE WAS WAITING FOR us on the front porch when we arrived back at the house. Her eyes narrowed, she could read Emmett like a book. She knew something had transpired between the two of us while we were gone.

Edward, what did you say to Emmett? I know that look of resolve. He's agreed to something he doesn't want to do.

"It's nothing, Rosalie." I looked at her begging her to drop it.

Emmett swept her up in his arms. "It's nothing, Rosie, just some guy talk is all," he answered nonchalantly.

"You're both lying."

"Drop it, Rose." He kissed her with finality hoping to convince her. He set her down as she continued to glare at me.

I don't know what you've done, but if you get him harmed in any way, I will kill you.

Oh the irony. If it was just that simple. A crooked smile crossed my lips while I walked into the house and I realized I was extremely grateful that Alice's visions had yet to return.

Esme and Carlisle were waiting inside the foyer for me. I didn't expect any less from them. I was trying not to be the insolent son, but I really had had enough of everyone, so I walked passed them without saying anything. Their faces reminded me of what everyone was like when we first left Forks ten years ago. I couldn't stand to see their pity, because this time the pity was real. Ten years ago, their thoughts of pity were torn between respecting the decision I had made to leave Forks—leaving my happiness behind and wanting to shake some sense into me for walking away from that happiness.

Now, my thoughts were torn. It had been a long time since I had seen those looks of pity from them, and I loathed it. But what it also meant, was that they were healing, and that gave me some hope. My family was going to be alright, and I helped get them there. 'We'll get you there, Edward. I promise.' Emmett's words played over and over in my head. I had to try.

Edward, we made the rules for a reason.

Carlisle followed me into the kitchen. I didn't really have a place to go to get away from everyone. I had refused to step foot in my old bedroom on the third floor. Alice and Jasper had even volunteered to switch rooms, but I politely declined. The truth was—I didn't want anyone in there. That room was from another time and even though the family had returned all my familiar belongings to the room, I knew they would bring me no comfort.

For the last four days, I had been relentlessly helping where I was needed. I had cleared the top two feet of soil for Esme's garden and I had helped Jasper hard-wire the generators for electricity. I helped Emmett with the windows, Rosalie with the vehicles and the tune ups they were desperately in need of. Alice with the washing of the walls and floors, and all this time I had managed to avoid Carlisle.

I was hoping we could talk. We haven't had a chance to discuss the situation in the South, and…I just want to know how you are doing.

"Carlisle," I sighed, "do we have to do this now?" I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I just had about all the heart-to-hearts I could handle at the moment.

No of course not. He looked at me with worry. This was the one time I was not comforted by his presence. I knew it wouldn't be long before he saw right through me, we were connected above all the others. He would figure it out sooner or later. I was a coward because I knew it would devastate him to learn of my plans, and then we would debate countless hours over my decision. I didn't want him to try and stray me from my path, it was one of the reasons I confided in Emmett. I knew he would listen objectively, and above all else, he would get it.

I saw the hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Carlisle. It's just been a long day. I'm sorry about running off, I won't do it again, I just needed some time to myself, to my own thoughts."

Of course. I will respect your privacy, Edward, you know that. I won't pry.

"Thank you, I'm grateful seeing as I have never been able to give you that."

Son, I know you will come to me when the time is right. That is all I need to know.

Esme joined us in the kitchen. "Edward, Carlisle, am I interrupting?"

"Not at all, dear, what is it?"

"Alice has been wondering if there was a way to get some bee hives going. I think it's a brilliant idea. We could trade the honey, since sugar is such a short commodity for the humans, and the beeswax alone could be used for all kinds of things. Not to mention candles would be quite beneficial."

Carlisle wrapped his arms around his wife. "Tell Alice it's a wonderful idea and we will help in any way we can."

"Jasper is in your study right now doing some research, he could use some help. Edward, what do you think?"

"Of course." I appreciated Esme's effort to keep me busy and away from Carlisle. She had been watching me like a hawk these past few days and it seemed my attempts to stay away from Carlisle had not gone unnoticed.

I walked into Carlisle's study and sure enough Jasper had been poring over whatever books he could get his hands on that involved agriculture and any kind of farming.

"I guess you heard." He half-smiled at me looking up from the desk. "It's going to be tough to find the honey bees I think. There's much debate whether or not they would survive the nuclear fallout. But if we can find some, I think we might be able to do it." You okay?

"Yup. I will be."

You aren't going to tell me, are you?

"Nope."

He narrowed his eyes as I felt him testing my resolve. After a moment, he looked back down at the book he was reading, giving me my space.

If Emmett was the brother a man always wanted, Jasper was the brother a man always needed. Neither of them pried into my life, but whereas Emmett never dwelled too long on a subject and usually reacted to his immediate thoughts, Jasper looked at it from every angle and analyzed it after careful thought. He was methodical by nature—a true thinker, a military man. He was never rash and never acted on his emotions, knowing full well what happened to people when they did.

I suppose his gift, and how he spent the first hundred years of his life, had a lot to do with that, but it was just who he was. And he complemented Alice so very much. He was the calm behind her driving force of enthusiasm. Their love was so very different from Rosalie and Emmett. Emmett and Rosalie flagrantly flaunted themselves whenever they could. With Alice and Jasper, it seemed to go much deeper than they ever let anyone see. Of course I was privy to their connection whether I liked it or not, but I never minded with the two of them though. I was extremely grateful the day they showed up on our doorstep, even if Alice had kicked me out of my own bedroom while I had been away.

It was an instant connection between Alice and me. Our talents brought us closer together than the others. Jasper took a little longer to warm up to, but he was a good man and I had seen a glimpse of what our lives would be like without him, and I never wanted to experience that again.

"I've been thinking," Jasper spoke, "about what we heard in the last District. About these Ravagers the humans insist upon."

"Is this a discussion we should extend to the family?"

No, not yet. The others are out at the garden, I heard them leave. Jasper was looking hard at me. Look, I know you and Emmett discussed something big while you were gone, he's a mess of emotions, and you…you're just empty, with a bit of relief shining through. I don't want to know because I know Alice won't like it, and I won't be able to lie to her. But we need to talk about this stuff in the South before you make any…decisions.

I took a deep breath—he really did know me well after all these years. It was going to be hard to hide it from all of them. I panicked slightly at that thought—Carlisle would definitely know if Jasper could guess. I just hoped they would keep it to themselves. Esme and Alice could never know about my agreement with Emmett, and Rosalie would quite possibly kill me herself for asking him.

"Fair enough." I nodded my head, not giving him anything else. "What have you been thinking about the South?"

I listened as Jasper's theories about the goings on in the South, played out in his head. A look of realization must have crossed my face, as I came to the same conclusions as him.

"Oh, I didn't think of that. You could be right, and if you are, well, that changes everything."

We had been discussing our theories for over an hour, when we came to a stalemate. We had both agreed that someone was going to have to pay a visit to the south and investigate, getting some further proof of our speculations. As far as I was concerned, it was a moot point. I was the obvious choice to go, because I had nothing left to lose. Jasper was highly opposed to my side of the argument, and felt he was the best candidate, as he was the most familiar with the subject. We had been locked in a heated debate for some time when we were interrupted by Alice running into the room. Completely absorbed in the conversation, we never even heard her coming.

Jasper stood alarmed by Alice's apprehension. "What is it? What's happened?"

"We are going to have a visitor."

"What? What do you mean?"

She closed her eyes in concentration. "I don't know who, I can just feel that someone is coming."

For years now, Alice hadn't been exactly having visions anymore, but she would get these feelings that would be almost as good. We trusted her feelings just as much as we had her visions. They had never led us astray.

"Where are the others?" I asked.

"Out back in Esme's garden, but they were heading to the old baseball field. Emmett wanted to get a game going, so I was coming back to see if you two would join us. I was almost at the house when I just felt … this … presence coming into all of our lives."

"How soon?"

"Soon."

"Alice, run back and get the others, Edward and I will stay and see who it is." She looked at him conveying her concern, but he just reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, and I could feel his love for her emanating from him. It was a simple gesture which spoke volumes between the two of them. Smiling, she turned on her heel and raced out of the room.