Hey. Sorry so long between these. Right after I sent up the last one, I ended up in the hospital for several days. Then came finals. I've just now recouped and caught my breath. Don't worry; I have no intention of orphaning this.

*********************************************

Captain Hank Stanley pulled his truck smoothly into 'his" parking spot in the back lot behind Station 51. Not that anyone had assigned parking spots, but force of habit had designated certain people to take certain spots. His gaze landed on the white Land Rover parked nearby. 'I'll have to ask one of the guys if they'll drive John's truck home for him. I doubt he's gonna be driving anywhere anytime too soon.' On that thought, a wave of sadness hit him over his youngest charge. 'Why didn't I step in and handle whatever was going on earlier? I know I couldn't have prevented John from getting injured that day, but it certainly would've helped with the fallout.'

His mind went unbidden to the scenes etched forever in his memory. He saw the blastwave fling his hapless paramedic into the squad, saw the many cuts covering the younger man well up and stream blood, saw the trainee holding John's limp body up while viciously shaking him. He shook his head to clear away the images. Then his mind turned to the conversation he'd had just the previous day with his eldest daughter. She'd come to him distraught over something that had happened at the hospital where she did volunteer work while she took classes to become a Nurse's Aid. He assumed perhaps a nurse or even a doctor had reprimanded her but was surprised out of that assumption with her first statement.

"Daddy? Are you going to transfer Mr. DeSoto or Mr. Gage?"

He'd looked at her, his surprise showing on his face. "I hadn't planned on transferring either one of them. The Doctors told me John could completely recover from his injures." Alarm made a knot in his gut. Had she overheard one of the doctors saying something different? "Why would you ask me that?"

She shrugged, suddenly intently studying her the top of her sandals. "Umm, I don't know. I just thought . . . I mean I …..oh,"

He wrapped a arm around her slender shoulders and pulled her close for a quick hug. "Why don't you take a deep breath then try engaging your brain along with your mouth to tell me."

She smiled at his reference to his constant gentle teasing for her to engage her thought processes before she tried speaking in order to stop her tendency to babble. The familiarity of this comment relaxed her and she began again, her eyes locked on his. "I just figured that if things were so bad, one would have to transfer, that's all." She dropped her gaze. "I was hoping it wouldn't be Mr. Gage." She quietly added.

He tightened his arm around her as he thought back to earlier that year when it had become apparent Kyleigh had a school girl crush on the handsome paramedic. Johnny had been the first to notice and come with hung head and sheepish grin to talk to his captain. Afterwards, with his Captain's blessing, he had talked with Kyleigh and the two since had moved onward into more of a casual friendship.

With all this in mind Hank answered, "Kyleigh, it's alright to call John by his given name. I know he's told you that. And again I ask, why would I transfer either one of them?"

She shrugged, dropped her head, bit her lip and scraped the top of her toes across the carpet in front of her.

"Kyleigh, why don't you start off by telling me why you think one of them would be transferred?"

She hesitated, her brown eyes cast down toward her feet. He waited, knowing her well enough to know she'd eventually find words for her thoughts. "There's talk…." she began softly, "around the hospital, that is."

"Uh huh." he commented evenly.

She shrugged one shoulder then let out a heavy sigh. "I…umm…I was helping out Nurse McCall. In the ER…when…when they brought Johnny in."

Hank felt a cold chill run down his spine. He knew what his youngest crewmember had looked like when they had rushed him off in the ambulance. He also knew his daughter was fond of Gage and had treasured the friend he'd become. His heart ached to think she'd seen the young man so injured.

As he searched for the words to comfort her, she suddenly burst out, "I saw Mr. DeSoto storm into the treatment room where Dr. Early had him. I heard the awful things he screamed at him. He . . .he called Johnny immature and irresponsible. He said he didn't trust him and that he should find another job. It . . .it…" She broke off with a sob and he took her into his arms. "I'm sorry." her father told her. "I'm sorry you saw that. I know it must have been terrible."

She looked up into his face, her eyes searching his. "Why'd he do that? I thought they were friends! John. . . .Johnny was lying there, so . . . so helpless like and. . .and the doctor and nurses were trying real hard to stop him bleeding and then Mr. DeSoto just . . .just slammed open the door and started yelling at him and . . .and Johnny had this . . this real sad look on his face and just kept saying he was sorry and. . .and. . ."

Hank pulled her head against his shoulder as he rubbed her back while she sobbed. "Shhh, shhhh now. It's alright. I'm sorry you saw that." He repeated.

Eventually she pulled away from her father's arms and wiped at her tears. "I'm sorry I saw it too." She murmured.

Cap grimaced.

"No one knew I was still in the room. "I'd . . . I'd gone in there earlier to prep it for Ms. McCall and they just came in real fast like and . . . and I couldn't get out so I just pushed myself back in the far corner to stay out of the way." She told him. He nodded at her. She sighed again, "Daddy? I just don't understand. I thought Mr. DeSoto was friends with Johnny. How could he say that mean stuff to him while he was laying there like that?"

Her words seemed to echo even now in Hank's mind as he sighed heavily and proceeded to get out of his car. He walked across the lot slowly, relishing the gentle warmth of the sun. It wouldn't be long before it would heat up considerably as the summer progressed. He pushed open the side door and walked into the kitchen, heading straight for the coffee pot. He filled a cup, took a sip and turned around. Instantly he startled as he suddenly realized he wasn't alone. There, seated at the table, already dressed in his working blues, was his senior paramedic.

A cup of coffee sat on the table between Roy's hands which slowly turned the cup around. His shoulders were slumped forward. Dark circles ringed his eyes and his gaze stared intently a some spot just beyond the cup.

Hank noticed this all in the quick instant before he stammered his apologies, "Oh! Roy! Sorry I didn't see you there. You're in a little early aren't you?"

Roy shook himself, blinked and faced him. "Hmmm? Oh Cap. Morning. Ahh, no I'm not early, I've been here all night."

Now Cap frowned, "All night?"

Roy nodded, "Yeah, Dwyer sprained his ankle yesterday and they called me in around six."

"Oh." was all Cap managed as he took another sip of coffee. Then he asked, "Long night?"

Roy took a sip of cold coffee and grimaced, "Not for them. For me though." He stood, dumped out the cold coffee and refilled his cup with fresh. Cap had moved to sit at the table and Roy joined him. Silence reigned for several moments.

Just as Cap was getting ready to ask something else, Roy took a deep breath and began. "Cap? I want to apologize to you."

Cap's dark brows shot up. "Oh? For what?"

Roy fiddled with the cup then seemed to steel himself and faced his captain directly. "For being such a . . .a . . .well I guess Stoker said it best, for being such an ass the last three weeks."

"Oh." was all the comment Cap made. He knew his men well enough that he knew Roy would eventually tell him everything. Roy fidgeted more and nodded. "I . . .I guess Jenny's injuries affected me more than I thought it ever would. I just felt so helpless…so out of control over the whole situation." His gaze dropped back to the cup in his hands. "And I got this stupid notion that if I could control everything around me, I could prevent that from ever happening again." Silence.

Finally Roy looked up, right into his captain's brown eyes. "Roy. I can tell you. As a father I understand how you felt." Roy nodded, his stomach tense as he waited for the "but" he knew was coming.

"However, I can say that as your captain, I was one shift shy of a formal reprimand over your behavior."

Roy ducked his head, "Yes sir." He murmured.

"I take it I can be assured that until you have a white stripe on your helmet this will never happen again?"

"Yes, sir."

Cap smacked the table top. "Good." He leaned back in his chair and took a long drink from his cup. He could see Roy was still upset and he was pretty sure he knew why. When no further words were spoken, he decided to broach the subject himself.

"And when John returns, will you be able to work with him? No more doubts about his on duty responsibility or his trustworthiness? You don't think he should find another line of work?"

Roy heard the words and winced, he knew that were the words he'd screamed at the injured paramedic while he lay on a exam table nearly bleeding out. His heart skipped several beats. "I can work with Johnny, that's no dispute about that. The question is . . .can Johnny work with me?" Roy muttered mostly to himself. The more he thought about what he'd done in the ER, in front of the nurses and Early, to his severely injured self professed friend, the worse he felt. How could he face Dixie or Early again? He owed them apologies as well. And Johnny . . . well . . .

Roy closed his eyes and groaned deeply. He scrubbed his face with his hands. "God, Cap I hope we can. I've always trusted Johnny's abilities as a paramedic, no matter how I've been acting. I have no problem with working with him but . . ."

Roy looked at his captain, his sorrow clear in his eyes. "Cap. The stuff I said to him, the way I've treated him . . ." He dropped his head, "I wouldn't blame him if he never wants to see or hear from me again."

Cap nodded slowly as he leaned forward, his forearms stretched upon the table. "Maybes so. But that should be John's choice to make. I think you've spent too much time already trying to live John's life for him. You know what you now have to do."

Roy nodded.

Cap stood, "Well then, I assume that as soon as roll call is over you and whoever is your partner de jour will head over to Rampart for supplies and while you are there . . " He hinted strongly, his eyes still holding Roy's. He was surprised to see fresh pain flash in those blue eyes and even more surprised to see Roy shake his head, "Cap, I can't see Johnny at the hospital."

Roy saw the coldness creep into his Captain's gaze as he placed his hands on his hips and straightened to his full height. "Can't? Or won't." He barked.

Roy flinched as he quickly corrected. "Can't. Cap, if Johnny were there at Rampart I would've already been up to see him. In fact I tried to visit him last night after a run."

Now Cap's face showed confusion and he slightly relaxed his stance. "What do you mean?"

"Cap, Johnny's not at Rampart anymore. Dix told me last night he checked himself out AMA." Roy dropped his gaze back down to his hands still clenched around the cup of now again cold coffee.

Cap blinked. "He checked himself out?"

Roy nodded. "Wednesday afternoon."

"Was he healed enough to do that?" Cap wondered.

Roy shrugged and sighed, "From what I know of his injures, probably not."

"That must've been what Dixie's call was about," Cap mused out loud. Roy raised his head and looked at his leader, puzzlement clear on his face. Cap explained, "Dix called my house and left a message she had urgent information but that it wasn't an emergency. Maggie and I were out and didn't get back until very late. One of the girls took the message and like I said, by the time I got it, it was too late to call. I tried this morning before I came in but the nurse on duty said Dixie wouldn't be in until 7 and she had no idea what the message was."

Roy nodded his understanding.

Cap looked at his senior paramedic for several heartbeats then asked, "Well? Did you try . . ."

"I called his house last night as soon at I got back and every hour we weren't on a run up until midnight. I've been sitting here waiting to try again. Even if Johnny can't answer . . ." he stopped and took a deep breath before he continued. "There's a phone in the barn. I was hoping maybe the neighbor who sometimes helps out with his horse would be there and would answer."

A thought suddenly occurred to Roy and he looked up at his captain. "Cap how did you know . . . ?"

Cap held his gaze, his expression unreadable. Finally he answered. "Kyleigh was in the treatment room when they brought John in."

Roy felt a rush of cold descend his back as he groaned. "She heard me screaming at him." He didn't need to see Cap's curt nod to know.

"She wanted me to tell her how, if you two were such good friends, could you treat him like that – especially while he was so hurt."

"To tell you the truth, Cap, I didn't even see he was hurt. At least not until he nearly coded on them." Roy murmured, the scene again fresh in his mind; his partner's fluttering eyelids on his too pale face, the machine beeping faster with his raising pulse as his heart tried to move what little blood was left in his body. He remembered the smell of the blood, the sight of his friend's battered body and the sounds of Doctor Early's shouted orders. Roy looked back up at his captain, feeling as a father himself, the anguish he was sure Cap had felt while trying to comfort his daughter. "Cap. I'm sorry. For this whole mess, everything. I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry I've been such an ass around here. I'm sorry I tried to take control over everything. God! I'm sorry what I did to Johnny. And I'm sorry my actions put you into the position they have." He stopped and took a deep breath. " And I'll talk to Kyleigh and explain to her."

Cap gave another curt nod but dropped his hands from his hips, his eyes now only showing concern. "I'll handle Kyleigh," he told the paramedic, "I'd feel much better if you explained this to John."

Roy looked up with a trace of a smile on his face. "I intend to Cap. As soon as I can, I fully intend too." Cap slapped him on the shoulder and turned away saying, "Well I'd best head into the office and see about shift change."

Roy watched him go then stood up. He went to the sink, dumped out his cold coffee and, finding the pot nearly empty, set about making more. A soft voice from behind him startled him. "Roy."

He turned and faced the concerned blue eyes of Mike Stoker. "How much . . ."

Mike shrugged, "Enough."

Tears filled his eyes and he quickly blinked them away. "You were right, Mike." He burst out. "Goddamnit, you were right! How could I have been stupid, so self-centered. I'd tried to convince myself I was helping everyone! Now I know I was only messing everything up." He closed his eyes and dropped his head, sighing heavily. "And hurting Johnny. Believe me, the last thing I really meant to do was hurt Johnny."

Mike stepped forward, "I'm glad to hear that, Roy." Roy raised his head and faced the engineer. "But as Cap said, the one you need to talk to is Johnny."

Roy nodded and Mike was pleased to see the look of determination on his face. "And I will. Just as soon as I can find that wayward partner of mine."

Marco came in at that part and looked puzzled, "Find him?" he questioned looking from one to the other. "Why? Because I just saw him in the locker-room."

Roy shook his head and gave a faint grin realizing it felt good to say what he was about to say, "No, I mean my real partner."

"Ooohhh," Marco answered, pleased that Roy seemed to be in a better mood than he'd been in several weeks. Chet exchanged glances with Marco then asked, "If you're so fired up to talk with John, why don't you just get your ass over to the hospital and do it?"

Marco glared at Chet but Roy held up his hand. "No Marco, he's gotta right to be angry. Guys, I want to apologize to you all. I've been a real ass lately and you guys got caught in it." He looked each in the eye as he again said, "I'm sorry. I understand the problem now and I'm gonna fix it."

Marco muttered something and laid a hand on his arm, Mike gave him a nod but Chet stuffed his hands into his pockets as he shifted from one foot to the other. He wasn't sure if he wanted to accept any apology, at least not until a few other things had been straightened out. "Yeah, all right. So you're sorry. I think you need to tell someone else that."

Roy nodded. "I agree. That's just what I was telling Mike. As soon as I can get a hold of Johnny, I'll work on it."

Marco looked puzzled, "What do you mean 'as soon as you can get a hold of Johnny'? Why can't you get a hold of him now?"

Roy sighed. "Johnny's not at Rampart any more. Dixie told me last night he checked himself out AMA on Wednesday and no, he's not healed enough to be on his own and yes, I've been calling his house since I found out but there's no answer."

All the rest of A-shift reacted with alarm at those words. Roy held up his hands to stave off the avalanche of questions. "I don't know much more than that."

Before anything else could be said, Cap came back into the kitchen. He looked around at his gathered crew and announced, "Roll call in 15 gentlemen," then proceeded to fill his cup with freshly brewed coffee. Chet went off to change into his uniform while both Marco and Mike filled cups of their own then divided the newspaper between themselves.

Roy remained standing by the sink, debating whether he wanted to try yet again for hot coffee or not. So lost in thought was he that he started when his captain cleared his voice beside him. "Wha..? Oh sorry Cap, you said something?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. Would you care to join the rest of us in the bay for roll call?" Cap raised one eyebrow.

Roy's face flushed as he stammered out an apology and moved past his captain into the bay.

Once the five men of his crew stood before him, Cap watched them closely although it appeared his eyes remained on the clipboard he held. Chet shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes focused somewhere above his captain's head, Marco looked down, his lips moving slightly. Craig Brice, the replacement paramedic for this shift, stood straight with his hands behind his back. Roy stood next to the other paramedic, his head turned toward the shorter paramedic and a look on his face like he'd just seen his worse nightmare come true. Mike watched his captain and his blue eyes met dark ones with a faint nod.

Cap read off the latest memo from headquarters, informed each of their household chore for the day and dismissed them. He headed toward the office for paperwork while the engine crew began their chores and the paramedics began their morning checks on the squad and it's equipment.

With the door to his office open, Cap could clearly hear the paramedics. Brice was admonishing Roy over the condition of the drug box and informing the other man that he would be driving this shift. To Cap's surprise, Roy meekly agreed.

It wasn't long after he heard the equipment being shoved back into the squad's bays that the tones rang out.

"Station 51, man trapped, 1476 North Vernon Street, 1-4-7-6 North Vernon, cross street, Albertson. Time out 08:45."

Cap scribbled down the information as he acknowledged the call. He handed one paper into the cab of the squad and saw Brice was seated at the wheel and Roy sat in the passenger side. As he ran around the front of the squad, he couldn't help a little sigh at the extremely sad look on his senior paramedic's face.

The engine followed the squad through the early morning traffic without incident. Before long, the squad pulled over off the road in front of a section of small stores. As the paramedics opened their doors, a young man rushed out the front of one store, his face flushed with excitement. "Wow Man! You guys got here like really fast"

Brice unlocked the compartments as he replied, "Yes, of course. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Yeah! Like Willie and I were like unloading some sh. . .uhhh, stuff off the back and all of a sudden it like whoooosh! And he was buried! Come see, man, come see!" The man ran around the back, closely followed by the paramedics and Cap. One look at the pile of bags of pet food on the dock told the rest of the story.

It was a little over an hour later when they had uncovered the other worker and began treatment. Brice had run the rescue in his usual confident manner. Roy backed him up, only nodding when Brice informed him he was to bring the squad in. He picked up the remaining medical trash as Cap trotted back up to him. "We're gonna head back to the barn now."

Roy glanced up but had trouble looking his captain in the eye as he responded, "Ok, I'm headed over to Rampart to pick up Brice as it is."

A hand on his shoulder forced him to look up as a soft voice said, "Roy?"

Roy managed to make eye contact this time and couldn't help a faint grin at the mixture of amusement and concern he saw in his leader's eyes. "I'm sorry it's Brice."

Roy nodded, "Yeah, me too. Perhaps it's poetic justice, though." Cap gave a sharp chuckle, slapped his shoulder and trotted off. Roy finished what he was doing and made his way to the squad.

As he drove the familiar roads to Rampart, he couldn't help glancing at the empty seat beside him. Almost he could see a slender figure there, hand braced against the window, dark hair blowing in the breeze as dark eyes watched the surrounding scenery. Would he ever see his partner there again?

All too soon, he pulled the squad into position but he'd barely had a chance to shut off the engine, before Brice was opening the door. "No need to come in, DeSoto. Victim is fine and we are fully stocked." He paused, a slightly sour look crossing his face. "Oh. I suppose you wanted to see Gage."

Roy shook his head as he restarted the engine. Brice looked pleased. "Good. No sense in wasting department time on personal business. The hospital staff is more than adequate to care for Gage without you checking on him,"

Roy merely nodded as he pulled out of the hospital parking lot. The rest of the trip was spent in silence so for Roy it was spent in deep thought. Before long, he was in front of the station, waiting for traffic to clear so he could back the squad into the bay. Just as he pulled off the street, the tones sounded,

"Squad 51, assist Engine 51. Possible gas leak. 26436 North Halliway. 2-6-4-3-6 north Halliway, cross street Philmore. Time out 11:10."

Brice pulled the mic off and answered as Roy pulled out again. Behind them, they heard the engine pull out behind them. Within minutes, the two vehicles pulled up to a large office building, another engine right behind them. Police cars blocked the street and officers were escorting the office workers steaming from the front door away from the potential danger area. Roy jumped from the squad and trotted quickly over to where Cap stood with Vince Howard.

"…nearly got all the floors evacuated. Gas Company said the representative should be hear any time." Vince was just finishing up. He gave Roy a nod as the paramedic halted next to them.

"Right." Cap said then turned to the two paramedics. "Quick sweep, men, to make sure everyone got the word." Both nodded and turned toward the squad to get their gear. Cap called instructions to the engine crew as he followed the paramedics.

Quickly the two suited up, Brice looking up at the building while he pulled tight his belt. "DeSoto, you take floors 4 on up. I'll get 3 and lower." And with one last nod at his current partner, Brice headed toward the building. Roy moved to follow but stopped as Cap's voice called his name. He turned around and saw by the look in his captain's eyes that they were both thinking the same thing. "Be careful in there." Cap said as he saw the acknowledgment in his senior paramedic's eyes. Then Roy was disappearing into the building on Brice's tail.

Chet and Marco watched them go from where they stood near the engine. Chet let his breath out in a heavy sigh. "Man. I just hope this goes better than last time." Marco nodded and glanced at the engineer. Seeing the frown on his handsome face, he suspected they were all remembering the same thing, the last time they had worked with Johnny.

Although time seemed to drag out for the searching paramedic, Roy knew it had been only minutes since they had entered the building. The 4th and 5th floor had been clear, all the offices abandoned. He was now on the 6th floor, noticing that there were only four offices on this floor and two bathrooms. He began his sweep, loudly calling, "Fire Department! Is there anyone here?"

As he took a breath, he caught the smell. It was faint but it hadn't been on the other floors. He opened the door to the second office, carefully but quickly made his search before marking the door. The third and the fourth were likewise empty so he moved toward the lady's restroom first, calling out loudly before entering. It was very nicely furnished with a sitting area before the area with the sinks and actual stalls. He checked each and then left the room. He crossed into the men's restroom calling again. He stopped as he saw a wide eyed teen appear from near the urinal. "Is there really a fire?!" The boy stuttered out as his wide eyes swept up and down the turnout covered figure before him. Roy quickly verified there was no one else in the room before grabbing the teen's thin arm and pulling him toward the door. "Not yet. Didn't you here the evacuation order?"

Roy could feel the teen's trembling as he moved them both toward the stairs. "Nooo, I mean yeah. I heard it. I mean, my friend told me but I thought he was sh . . .I mean fooling around." The teen's words were becoming breathy as Roy raced them down the stairs. As he reached the lobby and crossed it, he could see out the large glass doors where Brice stood beside Cap. Some internal device warned him and with a firm grip on the teen's arm, Roy ran full out for the doors.

His back prickled as he expected to be hit with a blast at any second. His mind flashed to the vision of his partner's body being flung into the squad and he winced. But the expected explosion didn't happen and soon he stood beside his captain, breathing hard.

Vince took the teen from Roy as the paramedic struggled to get his breath. "Cap. Smelled gas on 6th. Faint. All clear."

Cap nodded, "Right. The representative has come and everything is shut down. Now we'll just have to ventilate." He raised his handi-talkie to his mouth as he began giving orders to do just that.

Brice turned toward Roy. "We had a few minor injuries from the workers, mostly some scrapes and bruised from falls. Everyone has been taken care of."

Roy nodded, knowing now they only had to wait, hoping their skills wouldn't be needed.

Suddenly the sound of metal on metal caught their attention and both paramedics' heads turned. A driver, distracted by trying to see what all the excitement was about hadn't watched where they were driving and ended up ramming one of the squad cars blocking off the streets. Cap waved to the two, "Go! We'll get your gear." He turned and order two of the other firefighters on the scene as the paramedics raced toward the collision.

As they got closer, they could see a police officer laying in the street, another officer bent over him while two more cautioned the driver to stay still. "I'll get the driver." Brice informed him as he headed that direction. Roy kneeled by the officer and smiled reassuringly.

"Hi. I'm Roy. Where do you hurt?"

The officer, an older man with grey streaked hair grimaced, "Tony. Ahhhwww, my knee mostly. Durn, stupid . . . . I know better than to lean against a car being a barricade. When it got hit, it sent me straight into the pavement."

Roy moved his hands over the man's head even as he noticed his breathing was normal and his color good. "You hit your head? Blackout any?"

The man shook his head as Roy grabbed his wrist for a pulse. "Nahhh, like I said, it shoved me forward. Hit my knees and hands then down for a face kiss." Roy noticed the palm of the hand he held had minor scrapes on it.

Roy moved his hand to the officer's abdomen next as one of the firemen dropped the trauma box next to him. He pulled the pad out of his pocket and wrote the counted respirations and pulse in it. As he pulled out the BP cuff, he told the man, "I'm gonna get a bp now."

As he opened the cuff and begin securing it to the officer's upper arm, the car behind them shifted suddenly. Instinctively Roy moved himself between it and his patient. When he did, he dropped his hand down, unfortunately near the car's wheel.

Then it shifted again and the wheel trapped Roy's hand between it and the ungiving pavement. Roy couldn't stop the involuntary cry of pain right before everything went grey.