CHAPTER 17
-:- Faith Keeps The Man Who Keeps His Faith -:-
2016 -:- Present Day
Dusk was setting when we arrived at the compound. People were wandering around lighting gas lanterns that I had never noticed in the daylight. They lined the pathways, illuminating the night from house to house. If I wasn't so concerned about Angela, I might have stopped and admired the sight.
We rushed into the hangar where there was a buzz of activity. People's thoughts filled with worry for one of their own. Angela was extremely well loved and there were mixed emotions about letting 'Dr. Cullen' deliver her baby. Some were grateful for his expertise, while others didn't want to trust her welfare to a stranger. Seth dragged me through the crowds of people, toward the stairs when I noticed Jacob and the rest of the pack in the corner. Quil and Embry, gave me a slight nod, while Jacob and the other two men just glared at me as I followed Seth down the stairs. We'll be here, I heard Jacob say for my benefit, the threat implied as usual.
The bunker wasn't much better in terms of the myriad of people, but Carlisle was grateful to see my face, and asked Seth and I to try and clear out some of the bystanders because it was going to be a long night and he didn't want to have all the prying eyes looking over his shoulder. I was happy to comply and told Carlisle that if he needed me, I would be topside within hearing range. I still had a problem with being down in the bunker for any length of time, and Carlisle understood this.
After some time, I decided to step outside of the hangar. People were bringing in food and it was getting difficult to politely say 'no thank you' as they demanded I eat something. I also needed to get away from all the running commentary in my head. Relieved at the solitude, I went for a stroll to get a closer look at the compound at night. Eventually I found a little corner to myself, away from the muffled sounds of the people, and the lights of the tiny houses. It was a beautiful sight to see, and reminded me of a bit of the past. A time long forgotten, when fires burned in hearths and the sound of a car was few and far between. I never thought that I would relive a time like that, but here I was in a community that ran on solar power and generators, and where fire was a necessity that was never taken for granted.
I heard him coming, but I didn't want to turn around, hoping he would leave me alone if I didn't acknowledge him. He was hesitant to approach me, but he was going to nonetheless. I turned reluctantly, taking a big sigh, trying to be patient with the man.
"You'll have to forgive my son," Billy Black said to me from the dark. "He isn't the most rational person, and he has a lot of anger in his heart."
"So I noticed," I said with a hint of distaste.
"He's grown up a lot, but the part of who he is that he has to keep hidden, frustrates him. It always has." The mention of Jacob, mixed with the sadness in his expression, was making me uncomfortable. I didn't want to have this conversation with Jacob's father.
"I know, Mr. Black, Seth filled me in on your son's specific hatred toward me," I said, my voice lacking any emotion.
He laughed, his head thrown back a little as he rolled his wheelchair forward. "Unfortunately, Seth doesn't know the whole story. I think my son would possibly kill me in my sleep if he knew I was telling you this, but I feel you've a right to know." He looked at me, his eyes shining in the reflected light, silently asking me if he could go on. I didn't move, and he took my stillness as compliance. "How much do you know about our legends and our ways? Not much I assume?" I nodded in agreement. "Have you heard of the term imprinting? No … probably not." He shook his head, thinking about how to explain it to me. "I'm not sure how much you know about Leah, but she and Sam used to be an item. In fact, about a year before the bombs, everyone thought they'd get married. Do you remember the news of a boy from the reservation going missing?"
Again, I nodded, not wanting to interrupt, but I vaguely remembered the search for a young man that had been missing for about two weeks.
"Well, that was Sam. He phased. Scared the living daylights outta him." He chuckled to himself. "Of course the elders thought the gene had died out much like your maker thought." I felt my face tighten at his word 'maker,' but let him continue, despite the animosity I was feeling.
"So his change was just as much of a surprise to us. Anyway, after all the trials and tribulations Sam had to endure, he had to experience imprinting." Billy went on to explain the idea of soul mates and how for wolves it was much deeper than that. It was an irresistible pull toward someone. Something a man didn't have any control over.
"I know the feeling," I mumbled.
He stopped short, eyeing me up. "Well, it just so happened that he imprinted on Emily, Leah's cousin. He didn't have a choice and Leah's heart was broken. Part of her bitterness stems from that, she's still never gotten over that betrayal because she's never really learned the truth."
"Mr. Black, I appreciate the history lesson, but what does this have to do with me and your son?"
"The entire pack knows each other's thoughts, there are no secrets. Jake felt Sam's guilt, they all did. It wasn't easy, part of the reason why Sam stopped phasing." I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say, I still didn't understand where he was going with this.
"Jake once hoped he'd imprint on Bella. He wanted nothing more than that, but she left Forks before he phased. I think a part of him always wondered what would've happened if she'd come back. When the bombs hit, he accepted she wasn't coming back, even though Charlie still believed."
"So he blames me for that. I got it. Seth filled me in," I said resentfully, jealousy spiking hatred throughout my body.
"To some extent, I guess he does. But the thing is, Jake's terrified of imprinting. It's rare, usually an exception, but some of the others have already. He saw what it did to Leah, Sam and Emily. And even though he feels something strong for Leah, he won't take that risk. He loves her, but he won't break her heart again. He's bitter and angry at what he is, and before you and your family came back, he was thinking about giving it all up for Leah. He's tired of it all, and just wants some normalcy again." Billy was looking at me earnestly, waiting for me to respond.
"And now that won't happen," I said with an inflection. "He still thinks we're a threat?" I ran my fingers through my hair in total frustration. "Do you know how absurd that is? After all we've done for you, you still can't trust us," I said in disgust. "Carlisle is saving the life of a woman and her child right now!"
"Edward, the wolf gene still runs strong in my people. You're still our enemy, that's not going to change overnight. I'm telling you this so you'll be patient with my son. Not all of us feel the same as him, but regardless, your family's presence will trigger the gene in some of the young ones, and that's what has Jake upset. He wouldn't wish it on anyone." We were locked in a silent battle. I wasn't ready to forgive Jacob for his arrogance, and Billy was still uneasy about having this discussion with me. He was contemplating whether or not he had made a mistake.
Our silent standoff was broken by joyous shouts coming from the hangar. We could hear the cries and cheers letting us know that Angela had delivered a tiny, but healthy baby girl.
It was early September, almost three months since Jasper had left us. We didn't mention his name often, but everyone's thoughts were constantly filled with his whereabouts. Alice had kept us busy enough, trying to keep our minds occupied, but it was wearing each of us down. It still amazed me how clever Alice really was. This harvest festival business was not just about the people of Forks and La Push, it was for the six of us more than anything. She knew that sitting idly while waiting on word from Jasper was bound to drive us mad. Since the middle of July, she had us out scouring the state of Washington for ripened wild fruits such as cherries, currants, gooseberries, blueberries and anything else we came across in our travels. It was easy enough, we had to hunt, and hunting so close to the property was not ideal, so we ventured further and further away and found all kinds of edible human foods.
Alice was happy with what we had managed to forage. She had everything organized and accounted for and knew what items would be canned, pickled or turned into jam. It was amazing to watch her work, she was an unstoppable force of nature, and managed to turn even the most mundane things into works of art. Things were peaceful for the most part, other than the constant lists that were put in each of our hands, and the delegation of duties that we were each responsible for. It passed the time, and no one argued with Alice, not even Rosalie. Life was moving on at the restored Cullen home, but as much as we tried to ignore it, that large black cloud still loomed over each of us.
I was getting extremely restless, as was Emmett; we'd had ourselves countless discussions about going after Jasper. Three months was more than enough time for Jasper to scout out the area and come back home. We were constantly on edge and we fought over the slightest little things. Our fisticuffs usually ended with either Esme or Rosalie throwing a bucket of water on the two of us before we managed to do too much damage to the furniture or the walls, or wherever else we happened to be fighting.
I hadn't been back to the compound since the night Angela had given birth. It was a difficult birth, but nothing Carlisle couldn't handle. After a long, restless night, tiny, baby Caroline Isabella Cheney, came into the world healthy, hungry and with a good set of lungs on her. They named the baby after Angela's mother, and of course Isabella in honor of Charlie. Ben proudly announced his daughter's name as he held her, and then harmlessly joked that he was hoping 'Caroline' didn't stick, and thought she looked more like an Izzie, anyway. It was hard for me to watch the events unfold that night, even though I was extremely happy for Angela and Ben, I couldn't help feel a pang of remorse as everyone celebrated the new life. I left Carlisle at the compound, using the excuse of passing on the news to the others in the family, knowing that Esme would be anxious to hear how everyone was doing.
Tanya's family finally arrived a few weeks before the festival, and the house quickly became too small for the eleven of us. Luckily, there was no need for bedrooms, but I offered mine to Carmen and Eleazar nevertheless. They refused, of course, but after some insisting and a curt reminder from Rosalie that I never used it anyway, they eventually accepted.
It had been a week since they arrived, and I had successfully managed to avoid them, and more importantly, Tanya, however, their thoughts were not as easy to avoid. Tanya and her sisters had always been considered extended family to Carlisle, but as with any family, one can only take so much of each other, and their visit was trying at the best of times. Over the past ten years, we had seen them on occasion, but not for any length of time, and usually it was in passing when we needed to trade supplies.
Since their arrival, I had been spending a lot of my time in the woods, and other places, scavenging from abandoned towns. Emmett usually tagged along, or if it wasn't Emmett, it was someone else. I couldn't help but feel like I was being babysat, and between that and the crowded house, I was on my last nerves. Sensing my unease, Alice suggested another expedition, but this time to the compound. I reluctantly agreed, knowing I couldn't say no to her, and was just glad to get away from the house. Besides, I had promised Tyler and Ben that I would be back at some point, and it had now been three months.
After the meeting with the wolves, it had taken a few weeks for the family to slowly start visiting the compound. At first, no more than two of us visited at the same time trying to placate the wolves. Things seemed somewhat amicable, which I was sure had something to do with my absence. I didn't have the energy to visit, so I left it up to the others. Seth had been spending most of his time at the house anyway, trying to avoid Leah and Sue and their task-masking. Although, our house wasn't much better with Esme and Alice, but at least he could get the occasional video game in with Emmett.
Sue and Esme became fast friends, which wasn't surprising. They both had compassionate hearts, and they discovered they had a lot in common, each offering tips and tidbits on what they had been growing over the last ten years. Carlisle became Leah's teacher, and she continued to sponge up everything he had to offer. He was impressed with her healing skills, and how quickly she learned. She was direct and blunt, which he said made for a good doctor, although he was hoping her bedside manners would improve a little.
What had surprised all of us was Rosalie and her friendship with Angela. Rosalie loved visiting the compound, just as Carlisle knew she would, and had formed a bit of a bond with Angela, eventually taking over her classroom while she settled into motherhood. Shockingly, Rosalie was a wonderful teacher, and despite her misgivings at first, she found her calling at the school. Rosalie even found Mike Newton to be pleasant enough—I had still yet to see him—and the two of them had been working with the students to put on a play for the night of the festival.
Everything seemed to be perfect on the surface, but Jasper's absence was a big gaping hole in the family, and everyone's worries were starting to come to a head. As Alice and I drove to the compound, I figured it was a good time to bring it up. She couldn't walk away from me, and would be forced to talk about it.
"It's been three months, Alice."
She sighed as she turned to me. "I should have known."
"Yes, you should've. You knew I was going to bring it up."
"I figured you would, I hoped you wouldn't."
"I think I should go."
"It isn't what he wanted," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. She was looking at her hands, as I watched her from the corner of my eye. I knew she was worried, but she seemed so calm, and I couldn't understand why she wasn't itching to go after him like Emmett and I were.
"Emmett and I can go down there and at least find out what happened. I can't sit around any longer knowing it should have been me that went."
Trust him, just like he would trust you, she said silently afraid her voice would crack.
I rolled my eyes at her as I eased up on the gas pedal, knowing the giant pothole in the road was coming up. I maneuvered around it, heading on to the shoulder, and the rear tires spun out on the dirt. The backend of the Jeep fishtailed and I quickly corrected my error. She giggled to herself, mocking my ability to drive.
Maybe I should drive?
I glared at her and she reminded me to keep my eyes on the road.
"Look," she sighed heavily, "I know you don't understand it, but he's okay. I know it. He's alive, Edward, I still feel it." She spoke with so much conviction it was hard not to feel re-assured by her words.
I did understand her, because even after all these years, I felt as though Bella was with me. I knew it was just the idea that I couldn't let her go, but it was almost like I could still feel her presence even if she wasn't on this earth. Which is what worried me. Bella was dead, yet I still felt her, so why was Alice so convinced Jasper was alive?
"He made me a promise before he left," she said quietly, but her voice was steely. "We've been through too much for it to end like this. I don't need to be a psychic to know that. That's just faith." She turned to look out the window signaling me that the conversation was over.
I left her alone for the rest of the journey, mulling over her words. Faith was such a finicky word. To believe in the assurance of things hoped for, or the conviction of things not seen. Coming from Alice, the word faith was somewhat paradoxical. She spent her whole life never having to believe or trust in faith, she always knew, and yet, here she was faced with one of the greatest tests of her life, and she believed, unequivocally. I had to admire her for that, and I would trust in her, as she trusted in Jasper.
We pulled up outside of the hangar, and I caught a glimpse of strawberry-blonde hair and groaned.
"You didn't tell me Tanya was here," I said bitterly.
"Well, I. Didn't. Know," she said in short-clipped words.
"Rrr-right. I find that hard to believe, Alice."
"Not everything revolves around you. Besides, you can't avoid her forever."
"Alice…" I warned her for the umpteenth time. "I told—"
"Relax! I'm just saying her motives for wanting to talk to you, may not be as horrible as you think." She opened the passenger door and jumped out of the Jeep. I grabbed my ball cap and placed it on my head, sighing as I opened the door to follow her.
Don't worry, she's not the one that knocks you on your ass. She rushed off into the hangar giving me a little wave as she went to find Leah.
Charlie and Seth were gathered around the gun locker, and I went to join them to see where they needed help.
"Edward!" Charlie yelled, welcoming me. "It's about time you showed your face around here. We've missed you and people have been asking about you." He smiled warmly, shaking my hand enthusiastically.
"I know. Esme and Alice have enslaved me out at the house, it's been difficult to get away from their evil clutches," I said, trying to explain as best I could without it sounding too much like a lie.
"Don't I know it. Sue's been the same way, that's why I haven't been out your way much." He rolled his eyes, even though his thoughts were nothing but kind.
"Well, I'm here to help. Alice said my work is done at the house, and now I'm needed here, so what can I do?"
.
SINCE MY FIRST VISIT back to the compound with Alice, I had been there every day in the last two weeks, and it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be. It was actually a nice change from the familiarity of the crowded house, and we were kept busy enough to keep my mind off of things like Jasper, or the wolves. They had left us alone, but they were never far away, always watching, waiting for one of us to slip up.
Charlie and I were carrying car batteries from the hangar to the area that Alice had designated as a dance platform. She wanted lights strung up around it, and we were going to use the batteries to supply the power. It was hard not to pick up four or five of the batteries; it would have made the task much quicker. But instead, I was stuck trying to make it look like an effort to carry one just as it was for Charlie. I enjoyed his company though, so the task was more enjoyable than many of the other chores Alice and Esme had me doing over the past few weeks.
We had three days left to get things exactly as Alice, Sue, Emily and Esme wanted, and the rest of us were suffering for it. Luckily for Carlisle, Emmett and me, we couldn't get tired, but the last few days were wearing heavily on the humans. Charlie and Sam were doing their best to appease their wives, and it was taking all their energy to keep their mouths shut and not complain, whereas Seth had given up and refused to do any more work and high-tailed it out to the fields where Tyler and Eric had been hiding out for the past week.
There was no shortage of help though. Everyone in the compound was lending a hand and pitching in where they could. Even Angela and the baby were around. Just watching everyone come together was not something I ever thought I would see. I had spent many a night in the last couple of months discussing with Carlisle the possibility of telling Charlie the truth. We weren't sure how he would take it, and we weren't sure if he would feel lied to or betrayed after all this time. Eventually, the truth would most likely have to come out, which meant the wolves would have to come out as well, and that involved sitting down with them again.
Charlie had set the last battery down and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe his brow. I watched him from the corner of my eye. He had aged a lot in the last ten years. The loss of Bella, Harry and so many others had definitely weighed heavily on him, but Charlie Swan was a fighter, that was easy enough to see. I could also tell he was finally at peace.
"Phew, it's a hot one!" He placed the handkerchief back in his pocket. "You're making an old man feel older, Edward! You're not even sweating." He laughed as he clapped me on the shoulder, and I did my best to try and soften the blow for him.
"Are you kidding me? From what Seth tells me, you could run circles around me." I laughed along with him, as he passed me a cup of water, but I politely declined.
"Come on! You need to drink whether you're sweating or not. I think your sister will kill me if you get dehydrated, and don't even think about using that as an excuse to get out of all the rest of this work." He shoved the mug closer to me.
I reluctantly took it and swallowed the water, knowing that it wasn't going to be pleasant later. As a family, we had discussed how we were going to get though the next few days, particularly when the food would be in abundance, and people would be expecting us to eat. Emmett wanted to make it a contest between all of us. He wanted to place bets, using Esme's chores as 'booty.' Since there were eleven of us now with Tanya's family, he figured the odds were pretty good. Everyone was not as pleased with the idea as he was, and the term 'moron' was used repeatedly by Rosalie. But in the end, I figured I had nothing to lose, and Tanya and Kate felt the same way, so the four of us agreed to enjoy torturing each other while trying to get each other to eat as much human food as possible. It was a silly idea and one we would undoubtedly be paying for later, but with Jasper gone, Emmett needed someone to take his bets.
As the water went down my throat, I groaned, realizing that if I could barely handle this, I would definitely be losing this bet to Emmett. Across the platform, I caught Tanya laughing at me as I drank the water.
This is just the start, Edward, she sang in her head, winking at me before turning back to her task of tacking up the lights.
Charlie made a noise that came from his throat, which sounded a lot like a 'hrmph.' I rolled my eyes preparing for what was coming next.
"That tall glass of water over there looks like she has eyes for you." He nodded his head in Tanya's direction, and smiled. "Your father said you share some history?"
Since the arrival of Tanya and her sisters, the human men had done their fair share of ogling, while the women did quite the opposite. There was no denying that they were absolutely beautiful, but they were causing quite a stir within the compound and I could tell Charlie was fishing.
"Have you thought about—" Charlie raised his eyebrows.
"No." I cut him off, my face tight, expecting the argument.
"Have you not even thought about moving on? Finding someone else?"
"My 'someone else' is dead."
"Edward," he said sincerely, "Bella wouldn't want you to—"
"Please don't tell me what Bella would or wouldn't want, not you, Charlie."
"She would want you to be happy."
"Well, then it's settled."
"What is?"
"Tanya…would never make me happy."
"How do you know if you've never given it a chance? She seems to care about you."
"I just know. So drop it," I said curtly. I dropped my façade completely, and pushed the twenty batteries to the edge of the platform with my foot, hoping the display of strength would distract him from continuing this conversation. I read his thoughts. He was taken by surprise by what I had done, but not enough to deter him.
"Drop it, please, Charlie. I get enough grief from my family," I said turning to walk away.
"Edward! Wait," he yelled after me, "you're right, I'm sorry. It's just your dad said—"
"Carlisle's been talking to you?" I could feel the anger building up inside of me. I wasn't sure what the conversation had entailed, Charlie was able to block me out, but I could only assume the worst. "I'd appreciate it if you'd stop talking about things you know nothing about." I glared at him waiting for him to respond. I was expecting an argument, but instead Charlie's face softened.
"Son, that's where you're wrong. Believe me," he said gently, "I do know." He lowered his defenses and allowed me to see a little part of his past, a time when things had gotten pretty dark for Charlie. I watched as he loaded shells into a shotgun, battling with himself, and contemplating taking his own life. I didn't want to look at him, knowing the pain in his expression would be too much for me, but to my relief, when I did, there was no sadness in his eyes. "I know, Edward. I've been there."
"It's different," I disagreed with him. He was a human, vampires loved more deeply, and irrevocably. He could never possibly understand that.
"Your pain is more than mine?" he questioned. "Is that what you're trying to say? That I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through? Do you know how many people have lost loved ones here?" He waved his arm around the compound. "Or had to sit by their bedside and watch them die a slow and painful death?" His voice wasn't raised in anger, it was the complete opposite. It was calm and kind and as he moved closer to me, I couldn't help but turn away. I didn't want his compassion.
"Edward, I'm not trying to say these things to hurt you, I'm trying to tell you that life can go on. And every single person in this compound is proof of that. This festival that your sister's giving us is a celebration about living. Something you might want to try." He gently placed a hand on my shoulder, and he let the silence hang between us for a few seconds. "You're young, and have your whole life ahead of you."
I couldn't help myself from scoffing at his words. Just further proof that he could never understand what I was feeling.
"You may think you knew my daughter better than me, but I knew her well enough, too. She wouldn't want this for you. We both know that." I stiffened at hearing him mention Bella, it was an automatic reflex, and I know he felt it. "I think it's time. We need to say goodbye to her, Edward."
"Charlie, you don't understand," I said shaking my head. "I don't think I can." I felt my voice crack, surprising myself. It had been years since I had built this wall of pain inside of me. I was fortified, and no amount of pleading from my family could break through. But sitting here with Charlie, listening to him and feeling the connection of Bella between us, I almost felt the foundations shift.
"Well that's what I'm here for, and believe it or not, so is everyone in this compound. We all need this, and I'd very much like for you to be a part of it."
"When?" I managed to croak out.
"We were thinking the night of the festival, but if that's too soon I understand."
Could I say goodbye to Bella? It had been almost four months since I sat in the jeep with Carlisle and discussed my plans. Nothing had really changed. I wasn't afraid to die, but what would it mean if I said goodbye to her? How would that affect my plans? It wouldn't. I said my goodbye to her once, long ago, I could do it again for Charlie. So I took a deep breath and nodded my head in agreement.
We continued with the task of connecting the batteries, both of us keeping the conversation to a minimum, which meant I couldn't stop my thoughts from drifting to the past.
2006 -:- Past Memories
Emmett and I had spent the day at the cache that was located just outside of Chicago. It had been a long and arduous journey, but it felt good to stretch our legs, even it was depressing to see what was left beyond the city. It was a wasteland visible for miles upon miles, and jarringly silent. The forest floor was buried under burnt duff and ash while the only things left standing were the charred standing posts of what used to be trees. We had to be careful where we stepped, underneath the mounds of ash and stumps, the forest still smoldered, the roots supplying the fuel that was long gone above ground. It was dirty, and hot and the air was a bit suffocating, but despite that, Emmett and I were happy to be out of the bunker and out of the city.
Carlisle had managed to setup a facility in the short amount of time before 'Judgment Day,' as Emmett now liked to refer to it as, and usually said it with a 'Terminator,' deadpan face. It housed all the vehicles and more than enough supplies and food to last a few humans for a couple of years. The family needed to be mobile soon and ready to go at a moment's notice. It had been our task to check on the vehicles and make sure Jasper's shielding technique had worked against the electromagnetic pulses. Everything seemed to be in order, so with much reluctance, we decided to head back to the bunker. I had been pretty quiet for most of the day. Emmett noticed, but never pressed me about it. I did have something I needed to discuss with him, but I was having a difficult time broaching the subject. Saying it out loud would mean accepting the reality of it.
We walked the same route back. The only sound was our footsteps, and Emmett did his best to keep his thoughts to himself, neither one of us bothering with idle conversation. As we came to the crest of a small hill, we stopped suddenly in our tracks. There, below us, was definitely something we never would have expected to see. In amongst the ash and burnt woodland was a lion. Not a mountain lion, but an actual African, king of the jungle, lion.
At one point, this male must have been a beautiful creature, and the pride of the Chicago Zoo, but it wasn't just his presence that was out of place now. His coat was caked with dirt, his mane matted and his skin was scorched and blistered in places all over his body. The animal was emaciated, and must have been suffering greatly. It was lying down, but as it sensed us and the danger we represented, the animal slowly, and what looked like painfully, rose to meet us. It eyed us and started to pace, almost like it was contemplating its next move—fight or flight, or possibly lie down again and accept its fate.
Emmett and I stood for a moment taking in the sight of the animal. We knew what had to be done, and without a word, we slowly walked toward this 'king of beasts.'
"Easy now," Emmett said reverently, holding his hands up.
The lion squared its shoulders to face us, blowing air from its nostrils, while it bared its teeth. It was growling, almost a low purr as it made eye contact with Emmett. Its head was held high, and I immediately understood why lions were considered prideful creatures. Even on its last legs, it let out a deafening roar, telling us it was once majestic and powerful and a formidable killer. The display of courage, that one final gesture, had taken everything out of it, and it lowered its head in submission, willingly accepting its fate. We stood across from the animal, admiring it and what it had once been. Neither of us could speak, a silent understanding between us and the creature while Emmett lowered his hands moving toward it. The lion lifted its head one last time, and the pain in its eyes conveyed nothing but gratitude, begging for what we could offer him. And in the blink of an eye, it was over.
Sorry, my brother, Emmett said silently as he released its neck, and the lion fell to the earth in a cloud of ash and dust. He bent down placing a hand gently on its mane. Go in peace.
We stood across from each other, the silence and grief was palpable, neither of us knowing what to say. All this suffering was too much to take, and I couldn't handle keeping my secret anymore, the guilt was eating away at me. "Carlisle's gone," I blurted out.
Emmett's head snapped up, his expression full of confusion. "What do you mean, 'he's gone?' Since when?"
I looked at my shoes, knowing that my answer would make him angry. "A week."
A week! He glared at me. "Why didn't you tell me? You shouldn't have kept this from me. I thought you and I were clear, no more secrets!"
"I was hoping he'd come back, but it doesn't look like he will. No one's seen him at the hospital in about a week. He just up and left without telling anyone."
"So what happened?"
I started walking, I didn't want us to be caught in the dark, and it was a long tale that might as well be told while we headed back to the bunker. Taking a deep breath, I waited for him to follow, knowing this was going to be difficult to retell, but Emmett was right, no more secrets.
"There was something different about that day, Emmett. I could feel it," I said as I began to recant what happened the day I pushed Carlisle too far. "I should've known better. I pushed him too hard, I should've waited." I was disgusted with myself that I didn't read him better. I should have known from his thoughts how he would react, but I pushed him anyway. "A part of me just wanted to see him react. You know?" I looked at Emmett and his expression was grim, but he nodded his understanding. "Just to say something, or anything to me. That's all I wanted."
"Edward, again with the guilt. You gotta stop! This isn't your fault. Carlisle leaving us is not your fault."
"It's strange … how we rely on Alice so much and how much faith we put in her visions. I really did think those words were a sign to intervene," I scoffed at my stupidity. "I thought, if I could get through to Carlisle, make him see that he's wrong, that his faith would get him through anything, he'd come back."
"So, what happened?" Emmett asked again, impatient to hear the story.
.
THE NEW MESSAGE ON the wall that day as I walked to the hospital read, 'No God. No Peace,' and it was crossed out and in its place, 'Know God. Know Peace' was written underneath it.
It was a curious thing to be written I thought, especially for me to see it while I was walking to the hospital. If I had seen it on my way back, perhaps things would have turned out differently. But that wasn't what happened, and instead I used that message as a beacon. A message that perhaps God was talking to me. I sincerely believed I was meant to get through to Carlisle today, and as I climbed the stairs to the second floor of the hospital, I finally found the courage I had been lacking this past week.
"Morning, Carlisle," I greeted him, smiling, knowing today could possibly be the day.
"Edward." He nodded, which was a good sign. He didn't usually acknowledge me with words.
He began walking down the hall and automatically I followed him. I could discern from his thoughts, he was leading me to the area where the burn patients were. He wanted me to help change dressings and use my vampire abilities to smell for early stages of infection. I could only comply of course, hoping to get him to warm up to me once again. It was like a clock resetting every day I turned up. There was never any progress made. By the end of my visit, I was sure I had made some headway with him, getting him to break down his barriers just a little, and then the next day I returned, the walls were back up, locked tight like a steel gate.
He was always on edge never knowing what to expect by my presence. He had made it quite clear he did not wish to see the rest of the family, and I was surprised he still obliged me and my visits. I knew I was walking a thin line, and any wrong word or gesture would shut me out permanently. So every day I carefully watched what I said and did, hoping to never upset him.
The rest of that morning was spent attending to patients and other functions of the hospital, eventually ending up in a small crowded area, that was set aside for children—or from what I could tell—orphaned children. These were the children, injured, left unclaimed in the wake of the destruction outside. They really had no one, and most of them were terrified. As we made our rounds, I thought I would test my theory a little bit, hoping to feel out Carlisle's mood.
"Maybe I could bring Rosalie here with me tomorrow?" I asked hesitantly. "It might do her some good to be among the living…" I looked up at his angered face and finished my sentence under my breath, "children."
"I know what you're trying to do, Edward." He picked up a chart from the wall, opening it pretending to read. "I'm afraid this isn't going to work."
"What isn't?"
"This," he gestured back and forth between the two of us. "I know you care nothing for these people. You're not here for them," he finished the sentence curtly.
I was about to disagree with him, to try to lie and convince him otherwise, when a piece of the wall flashed in my head.
Know God. Know Peace.
"You're absolutely right," I confessed the truth, and he stepped back upon hearing my words. "I'm not here for them, but neither are you." I searched his thoughts, wondering if I should continue. He was shocked at my insinuations but not so much that I didn't feel as though I should stop. "I'm here for you, and Esme, and the rest of your family. Why are you here?" He winced, and pulled me into the corner of the room, away from prying eyes and ears. He didn't want the hospital staff to know he had a family waiting for him out there.
I continued to speak in very low and very fast tones so no one could hear us. "You have no idea what your absence has done to them. Esme thinks you're dead! And wishes she could join you."
"You didn't tell her?"
"NO!" I said incredulously. "If I had, do you think I would be coming here alone every day? I'd rather let her have some shred of hope that you're alive, and we'll find you, than tell her you abandoned her!" I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself. "'Cause that will surely kill her, Carlisle. Is that what you want? You want to hurt her so badly just so she'll feel an ounce of the pain you do? You think she doesn't feel it? You selfish bastard. Believe me, she does!"
If I had a heartbeat, I would have thought the buzzing sound in my ears was the sound of blood rushing through my veins. But it wasn't, it was something else, something more corporeal. Pure anger and desire filled my senses. I struggled to speak as venom coated my mouth. "Do you know what I would give to have one more second with Bella? You're throwing it all away." I didn't need to see my expression in his thoughts, I knew it was wild, almost animalistic, but as I looked at his face, it was as if nothing had registered.
"Edward, I am sorry about Bella," he said in a clinical voice, "but it's probably better this way, she never would have had to suffer through all this." Again, he waved his hand around the room. "This would have been harder for both of you," he said, his voice was cold, distant.
I had to take a step away from him, my face crumpling from the damage he had just inflicted. Who is this man? Where's the compassion? His humanity? I took a deep breath and sighed. This was not going as I had planned. 'Know God,' kept repeating in my head, 'Know Peace.'
"This isn't you." I shook my head back and forth. "I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away. But it won't work." I looked him straight in the eye. "You are not like this. You told me there's a God. You believe he exists. I need you to tell me he does. I need to believe, to know that she's out there," I said desperately, my voice a higher pitch than usual. "I have a chance, right? You wouldn't be doing all of this for nothing. I know you, Carlisle! You're repenting too!"
No, Edward, we never deserved all that we had. I was selfish, this is my punishment, just as it's yours.
His words hit me with such force, that for a second I thought he had hit me. I spoke in complete disbelief at the man I no longer recognized. "Who are you? Where is the man I called my father?"
"I'm not your father!" he scoffed and shook his head disagreeing with me. "I never was."
My anger boiled over, and I grabbed the lapels of his jacket pushing him up against the wall.
"Yes. You are. Don't tell me these last ninety years were for nothing!" My chest was heaving as my nostrils flared, and I could feel my hands shaking as I held him up to the wall.
"You should not have been, Edward. I should not have taken what was not mine to take," he said calmly devoid of any emotion. "What we are is an abomination. We don't belong here."
"But we are here," I spat back. "I am here." My face crumbled in pain. I could no longer control my emotions and his words crushed me more than I could ever have imagined.
"It wasn't right," he said. "I know that now." If God exists, then he would not have allowed us to live while his children perish and suffer. He removed himself from my grip and walked away. Don't come back.
And the next day and the day after that, he was gone. There was no trace of him or where he'd gone. I kept returning, hoping that he would show up, or someone would know something about his whereabouts, but after a week of this routine, I knew it was time to come clean and confess. It was now up to Emmett and me to pick up the pieces and figure out our next move.
Emmett and I had arrived outside of the bunker by the time I had finished my recount of the previous week. We were now in our usual spot, topside sitting on the rafter that hung over the doorway to the shelter.
"Whoa, that's heavy," Emmett said with a deep sigh.
Emmett was being kind with his words. In his head he was cursing, thoroughly disgusted with the tale of how Carlisle had been, but he chose to keep those words from crossing his lips.
"What do we do now?" He was trying to stay strong for my benefit, but the day's events coupled with this news of Carlisle, had pushed him to his limits. Like me, he was afraid to admit what we both knew was inevitable.
"I don't know. Do we wait? It seemed pretty final, Emmett. We could wait, but we have to think about Jasper too…"
"We give it a week," he said, taking the burden from me. "That's more than enough time." Emmett stood up, jumping down from the rafter. He knows where to find us. His eyes were filled with anger, and it told me he wanted to be alone, so I went back inside, back to the bunker where the rest of the family was waiting.
One more week to come up with a plausible excuse to tell Esme something that would do the least amount of damage.I felt like screaming or roaring just to get out the anger I had let build up over the past week. I needed to destroy something or do something, anything.
.
THE WEEK WE HAD given Carlisle to return to us, was almost up, and I knew the decision to tell the others about it was fast approaching. For three days now, Alice had not left Jasper's side. We all knew what that kind of exposure would do to her, but no matter how hard everyone tried to convince her to leave, even for just a little bit, she refused. It was my turn now, and as I approached the door to the little room, I felt the familiar overwhelming crushing sensation sweep over me. With a deep breath and the determination to not let it control me, I opened the door to the same scene I had witnessed over twelve hours ago. Alice was curled up in the chair, her head on her knees, while Jasper had his back to her, his body as far away from her as possible.
"Alice?" I asked hesitantly.
There was only silence.
"Alice, please answer me." My voice was strong, but not too forceful.
I'm not leaving.
"That's fine, you don't have to, but Esme said you haven't been feeding either," I stated flatly.
I'll feed when he does.
"Alice," I sighed, moving around the bed which pretty much took up all the space in the room. I bent down in front of her and placed a hand on her leg, but she still didn't look up at me. "I don't want to argue about this today, okay? So let's just skip ahead to where you agree and let me bring you something if you aren't going to leave this room."
I stared at her, refusing to break my glare, until she responded. Minutes went by before she reluctantly rose to her feet, pushed past my shoulder without looking at me and walked through the door.
Fine.
"You know, you could try using your voice once in awhile. It wouldn't kill you to have an actual conversation with me," I called out to her.
You can't kill what's already dead.
I scoffed at her trying to lighten the mood. "Oh, was that an attempt at some humor?"
Just the truth.
I couldn't get used to seeing Alice this way. Usually she was bursting at the seams with excitement and always the eternal optimist. Now she spent the days and nights sitting beside Jasper, desperately clinging to the chair, as if she moved, he might disappear altogether. There was no sign he was getting better. If we calculated how long it had been since he fed, it was going on eight weeks, and we didn't know how he was sustaining himself. I could communicate with him, but it was usually one word answers, nothing more. Emmett and I had briefly discussed the option of force feeding him, but we weren't exactly sure of the mechanics behind doing something like that. This is where Carlisle's knowledge would have come in handy. I had been thinking about it, and the only way I figured we could do it was to dislocate his jaw, and that meant breaking it to be able to get the blood down his throat. Causing Jasper anymore pain, was not something I was prepared to offer as a solution. It would break Alice and Esme's hearts to even suggest it.
When Alice came back into the room, her eyes were a little lighter and again she pushed passed me, slumping right back in the chair.
Satisfied?
"Thank you," I said and kissed her on the top of the head.
Please leave us.
I complied with her wishes, and left the room in search of Emmett. I found him in the back of the bunker, mucking out the stalls for the goats. "What'd you do?" I asked, knowing it was punishment from Esme for something he had done.
"Give me a break! I didn't do anything! I merely suggested to the 'ol' goat lady' that she was forming an unhealthy attachment to these animals, and you know we don't do so well with pets." She didn't think it was funny, and said I needed to appreciate the goats a little more. "This …" he lifted his foot, his nose turned up in repulsion at the waste that clung to his foot, "is disgusting."
"We need to talk about Jasper. Carlisle isn't coming back," I said decisively. "We need to think about Jasper and Alice, now." My patience had finally run thin with Carlisle, and I was fed up. It was time to move on and think about how we could help Jasper now. "We need to move him."
Emmett put the rake down, and leaned against one of the stalls. "I know. It's time, I guess. He's known damn well where he can find us, and it's clear he's not coming. We can't move Jasper though, not in the state he's in."
"That's why I need your help. I think we need to try the force feeding somehow." I explained my theory to him, about breaking his jaw, and he didn't like it, but he could see the necessity of it.
"How'll we get Alice away from him? Do we tell her what we plan to do?"
"I don't think we can. If we do it and it helps, she'll thank us, they both will."
"And if it doesn't?"
"I'll take full responsibility."
"You know he won't heal if it doesn't work."
"I'm well aware of that possibility, but what choice do we have?"
Emmett was silent for a minute before he picked up the rake and threw it against the wall in frustration. Neither one of us wanted to do this, and Emmett knew it would have to be his strength to actually break Jasper's jaw. He placed his hands on his head and let out a deep exasperated sigh. "Okay, so when? As soon as possible?"
I watched Emmett, and my guilty relief that it didn't have to be me was fleeting. I would have to be the one to hold Jasper down. "We have to time it right. I think the blood will strengthen him, but it'll strengthen his abilities too. We need to plan it so we're ready to leave immediately."
"I doubt the girls are going to go along with this. I can probably get Rosalie to come around, and maybe she can get Alice and Esme out of the bunker."
Our plans were interrupted by a solemn voice behind us. "No. No. No." Alice stood in the doorway shaking her head, she had heard every bit of our conversation. "I can't let you do this. You can't hurt him like that." She started to get a little hysterical and I reached for her, pulling her into my arms.
"Alice, it's been almost eight weeks that he's been like this, and he's just getting weaker," I said trying to comfort her.
"We can't do any permanent damage to him. He needs his strength if we're going to move him. You know, get him away from all of this." Emmett walked toward us and gently caressed her arm.
"I can't," she whispered. "What if it doesn't work? What if you make it worse?" Her voice cracked, and she looked so fragile.
I picked her up in my arms and took her over to the stool in the corner of the room. It had been a few weeks since we had been in this similar position. Her thoughts were desperate, all over the place and coming so fast. I rocked her back and forth, soothing her with gentle whispers as she gripped my shirt and choked on her sobs, trying to catch the breath she didn't really need.
Emmett knelt beside us. Edward, we have to get her to agree to this. I looked at him, wincing slightly, acknowledging that he was right. He caressed her back with small circles. "Alice, we don't have to do this right now. We can wait, but we just want to get him out of here as soon as possible."
"Where'll we go?" Her voice was tiny, barely above a whisper. My heart broke for her all over again.
"Alaska," I said, and Emmett's head shot up at me.
Edward, I said we'd take you to Phoenix. His thoughts were angry, directed toward me and at what he referred to as my 'martyred ways.'
I cut Emmett's thoughts with a look, my expression clearly saying, don't argue. I would get them to Alaska and to Tanya's family, and then journey to Phoenix on my own.
"Alaska? Really?" Alice questioned, with a hint of excitement in her voice.
"That should be far enough from the majority of the surviving population, it should help. Besides, it'll be good for us to see some familiar faces, right?" And if Carlisle ever came to his senses, we could leave word in the bunker as to where we were.
"I want to know how long this will last," she said, her eyes frantic. "I can't go on without him."
I whispered softly, "He said the same thing about you, Alice, when you were fighting to get back to him. He's doing the same. He's fighting."
She was quiet for a while before she sighed. "You're right. Maybe it'll help. Maybe he'll wake up to the blood before you have to, you know." She couldn't say what we had planned to do, and I looked at Emmett over the top of her head. We both knew the smell of the blood wasn't going to get him to react, hence the reason for the idea about his jaw.
"It just might. You know Jasper never did have any self-control. Maybe we should rustle up some humans." Emmett chuckled.
"Really?" Her face brightened, with a glimmer of hope in her eyes. "Maybe human blood will work better!"
"Alice," I cautioned, "let's just try animal blood first." There had been enough death without us adding to it. I know each of us would do anything for our family, but I doubt that included feeding Jasper a human.
Edward, maybe we should give that a try. I was only joking, but maybe it isn't animal blood Jasper needs. He never fully adapted to our diet, you know? Human blood does have its advantages.
I glared at Emmett, and Alice stiffened in my lap and I could see something turning in that head of hers.
"No. You two get that idea out of your heads. We're not going to do that! That's not who we are anymore." My warning was doing nothing to change their thought processes. Emmett was all for trying to bring a human in the bunker, hoping the smell would entice Jasper, and Alice didn't want Jasper harmed in any way, so she was entertaining the notion as well. I knew I had to put a stop to it before they had themselves convinced.
"We're not doing that. Alice, you of all people know that whoever you bring is someone's brother, or son, or husband. You always tell Jasper this. You can't do this," I said, my anger coming through in my words.
"But we could find someone who's already sick, and has no one," she pleaded, even though her voice was conflicted.
I watched Emmett out of the corner of my eye nodding his head and thinking about the possibilities of what Alice had just said.
"No," I growled. "I won't let you do this. What would Carlisle say?"
"Screw it! Carlisle left us, Edward!"
Alice gasped. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that Carlisle doesn't give a damn about any of us, and all this time he's refused to come back to the family. Up until a week ago, he'd been working at the hospital this whole time," Emmett spat out in a rush of angry words.
The sound of glass shattering caused each of us to turn around to the noise behind us. Esme stood in the doorway surrounded by shattered pieces of ceramic from the pitcher of water she had been holding in her hands. And from the look on her face, the pitcher wasn't the only thing that had just been shattered.