Title: Fault
Author: Divinia Serit
Rating: T
Note: Spoiler for 4 x 15: War of the Roses
Prompt: Cynical (50 Ways to Feel)
A:N: Yay updates! Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I'll respond to reviews tomorrow, I promise! I'm normally much better about that. Thanks for the encouragement and well wishes- it's really helping right now. This is just a short little oneshot from Lisbon's perspective after the episode. Jane really irked me in this one. I just felt bad for Lisbon. She needed a hug! And I can't sleep. Boo.
"You did not think when you sent me to the brink. You desired my attentions, but denied my affections. So tell me now where was my fault; in loving you with my whole heart?"
-White Blank Page, Mumford & Sons
Why is it that we're the most afraid of happiness?
Lavender bubble bath was one of the few feminine indulgences she allowed herself. There was something about the soothing scent that always calmed her racing mind and let her fully relax. Teresa Lisbon tested the water temperature with her hand before slipping beneath the foaming bubbles. A soft sigh escaped her lips as the water soothed her sore muscles. Sweeping her hair up, she reached for a clip to pin it off her neck. She had been unusually tense lately, and although she tried to deny it, she knew Erica Flynn played a large part in her irritation.
She was tired.
Tired of being manipulated.
Tired of being pulled in so many directions.
Tired of Wainwright giving Jane the benefit of the doubt.
She bit her lip as she tried to pinpoint the exact moment things began to change. Somewhere over the last few months, the dynamics in the office began to change and she felt like she could barely keep her head above water. Closing her eyes, she sank deeper into the tub. Her eyes didn't stay shut for long and she cursed the consultant who kept invading her thoughts. Her eyes wandered to the flickering candle on the edge of her tub. She took a deep breath and inhaled the minty scent, willing her mind to calm.
She jumped when her phone buzzed on the ledge beside her. Grumbling, she tried not to slosh too much water out as she fumbled for a towel to dry her hands. Grasping the offending object, she silenced it with a glare and a quick push of a button. She didn't want to talk to him right now. She leaned her head back against the wall and wished she had thought to pour a glass of wine. She could sure use it after the day she'd had.
She had felt like an idiot. Her cheeks flushed at the memory.
Jane's schemes were almost always outrageous, but normally they didn't make her look inept. He along with the help of Ms. Flynn made her look a step behind- the bumbling cop who couldn't find her way out of a paper bag. And to make matters worse, her boss had sanctioned the entire thing. She lifted a hand to her temple to relieve the pressure that had been building for hours.
She was angry.
Angry at Jane for being so enthralled by Erica.
Angry at herself for feeling this way.
Angry for being happy for the first time in a long time.
She didn't have a claim on him. He may be her consultant, but obviously she was a means to an end. Just a source of amusement for a bored man. The sooner she remembered that, the better off she would be. She had opened up too much since Jane had joined her team, and now she was remembering why she always stayed closed off. It wasn't worth it, and she was tired of looking like a fool.
Why is it that we're the most afraid of happiness?
Because once you have found happiness, there is a chance you will lose it. And if you do lose it, the pain you feel is even worse than the pain you felt before you had it at all. Love has a way of ripping you apart as much as holding you together.
Better to love and have lost than never loved?
Lies.