Chapter 35

Well, here's to the power of feedback…I had the end all written and the feedback I 've received made me rethink it. Sooooo, I've had to rewrite it. I hope you like this…and I promise, the Kents will be back…soon!

Roy spent the remainder of the visit the same way. When Johnny was awake he fed him from the food he'd brought in. As Johnny slept he either watched his friend, lost in his own thoughts, or browsed through the magazine he'd brought along. While he was resting or eating Johnny and Roy made small talk. However, Roy realized it was just that, nothing serious or heavy and neither one brought up anything about what had happened over the last month. Roy knew there would still be issues but he'd let Johnny lead in that matter. He gave a rueful quiet chuckle, "Lord knows I've done more than my share of controlling things lately. Now it's his turn; his timing." He also knew his friend was still weak and tired quickly. Talking wasn't quite the effort it had been for him while he'd been at the DeSoto house, but it still drained him quickly. Roy looked at his friend with a smile on his face. "I'm still waiting for the day you stand up and tell me what an ass I've been to my face." He told his young partner as he pulled the blanket higher up around Johnny's shoulders. In response Johnny moved his head slightly on the pillow while he snuggled into the warmth a little more. He gave a contented sigh as he slipped deeper into sleep.

Roy looked out the window, watching as the sun began to set lower in the sky. Johnny had now been asleep for over four hours. He was glad his friend was getting some much needed rest but his time alone had also left him with too many thoughts. The sound of the door opening caught his attention. He smiled at his wife as she came forward. She dropped a kiss on his upturned lips but her gaze never left their sleeping friend.

"He looks a little better." She remarked, keeping her voice low.

"I am better." A quiet voice informed her and her grin widened into a welcoming smile. She stepped up to the bed and reached out a gentle hand to smooth the dark hair from Johnny's forehead, delighted that the heat of the intense fever was finally leaving him.

"Johnny, you don't know how glad that makes me feel to hear that."

He smiled as he slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her. She let her eyes study him for several long moments, unaware of the intent of her scrutiny until Johnny nervously dropped his gaze, shifted uncomfortably in the bed then glanced back up at her. She shook herself as if dismissing her deep thoughts. "I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm just really glad to see you looking more like our Johnny."

His dark brows twisted downward into a puzzled frown and she laughed. His dark eyes went from Roy's grinning face to Jo's then back before he grumbled, "Why do I get the feeling I missed the punchline?"

Jo laughed again and stroked her hand down his cheek. Then she bent over and shifted the bag she'd placed at her feet to his tray. "I brought dinner from the surplus at home, thanks to you." She announced.

"I'm not that hungry." Johnny mumbled as he tried to shift his aching body again on the cooling mat he still lay on. 'Thank goodness they removed the other one. I was beginning to feel like some sort of weird chilled sandwich.' he silently grumbled. His head hurt, his eyes ached with the fever he still ran, his arms were stretched out from his body and held firmly in place and he hadn't been off his back since the surgery. All in all, Johnny's mood was deteriorating quickly. "Don't go through any trouble on my account."

Then he caught the look in Jo's eyes and felt instant regret. "It was no trouble Johnny." Jo told him. "Like I said. People have been bringing food to the house for you since Sunday." Johnny ducked his head and mumbled an apology.

Jo looked at her husband who gave a faint shrug. Jo gave a nod, then brightly said, "Well, then I'll just leave this here for later." Awkward silence filled the room.

Johnny continued to stare downward, Roy shifted in his chair, not knowing what to say or do and Jo moved from the window to the bed. Finally she looked at her watch and announced, "Oh my! Look at the time. Jenny will be back from Missy's soon. I guess I'd better go." She leaned over and kissed Johnny's forehead but got only a intelligible mumble from the young man. She then moved to her husband and kissed him, "I guess I'll see you later on tonight."

"You don't have ta stay either, Roy" Johnny said, his voice barely audible. The two exchanged glances but Johnny didn't lift his head or say anything more. "I'll walk you out." Roy stood and followed his wife out of the room. Before he shut the door, he looked again at the figure on the bed. Johnny had rested his head back in his pillows, eyes closed, face relaxed but Roy couldn't tell if he was really sleeping or not. He sighed and let the door close.

As soon as he joined his wife, she leaned closer and whispered, "What was up with that?"

Roy shrugged, "I'm not sure but I can guess. I think the fever has come down enough so that Johnny feels just enough better to realize how miserable he is."

Jo looked at him for a long moment then burst into laughter. Roy frowned, "Jo! It's not funny! He's still very ill and that infection isn't much better."

Instantly she sobered, "You're right. And I'm just as worried as you are about his hand." Then she smiled again, "But Roy, stop and think about how you said what you just said." She giggled as she added, "I think you've been spending too much time with Johnny, you sounded just like him just now."

Roy mentally reviewed his words and grinned with realization. She nodded as he gave a faint apologetic shrug. "And for what it's worth, I think you're right. We both know how much Johnny hates to be inactive and the way they have him staked out like that . . ." She shook her head and sighed.

Roy nodded, glad his wife was so understanding. She smiled and kissed him again, then pulled back saying, "Go back and sit with grumpy. I put some of the cookies Jenny and I baked in there as well. Maybe that will help cheer him up. I'll see you whenever you get home."

Roy pulled her into a quick hug then watched as she walked away. With a sigh he looked back toward the room. A tiny bit of resentment flared in his chest but quickly died as he muttered, "Well, I've been saying I couldn't wait until you called me the ass I've been to my face. I guess the time has come." He straightened his shoulders with resolve, ready to face whatever his friend dealt him, and knowing he rightly deserved every bit of it.

When Roy entered the room, he saw Johnny had turned his head away from the door to stare out the window. The position torqued his body awkwardly but the stubborn jut to his jaw clued Roy in quickly on the dark haired man's mood. "Johnny, . . ."

"What." Johnny's voice was low and sullen and he didn't move.

A firm knuckle on the doorframe alerted both of them as a nurse accompanied by Dr. Brackett walked in. "Good evening Johnny, how are we doing this evening?"

"Don't know, let's take a quick vote and ask everyone." Johnny replied, turning away again. Brackett looked at Roy who raised his eyebrows and made a 'you got me' motion with his hands. Brackett gave a loud sigh. "Well, you sound better Johnny."

Johnny snorted at that as the nurse walked forward to get vitals. As she raised her hand toward his neck to get a pulse, he pulled back. She stopped and looked up at Brackett whose mouth twitched. She reached for her patient again as he sank back into his pillows, eyes closed and body unresisting. She quickly completed her task and read the results off to the doctor who recorded them into Johnny's chart. Then she removed the bandages from his wounds and stepped back. Brackett came forward, then looked up at Roy. "Ahh, Roy?"

Roy nodded and turned around but before he could leave Johnny's voice rang out. "I've been on public display all week, why change that now?" Doctor and senior paramedic exchanged glances and Roy said, "I'll just be outside when you finish Doc."

Brackett nodded, "I think that's best, Roy."

Johnny's eyes snapped open and he glared at them. "There's nothing wrong with my brain. I can still make decisions on my own, you know." Both men froze at the animosity in his voice.

Brackett gave him a slow nod, "No one is doubting your cognizant abilities John. But you are right, who stays here while you're examined is your choice."

Johnny gave a curt nod, "Fine. Both of you go."

Brackett gave a faint grin as he shook his head, "Sorry John. That's not an option. I will be doing a exam on you."

Johnny closed his eyes again and shifted as much as his restrained body allowed him, "Then I don't care whether you both stay or go, just get this over with."

Without another word, Brackett progressed through the exam and Roy stayed hovering near the door. Brackett finally pulled back and nodded to the nurse who removed the bag of food off the tray and left to quickly return and place a covered treatment tray in it's place. Johnny remained laid back, eyes closed. Brackett's mouth twitched as he stared hard at his young paramedic. "John, look at me." He demanded.

Slowly Johnny's eyes opened but his mouth remained in its sullen poise. "Your wounds are healing well—finally. So now, I'm going to remove some of those stitches."

Johnny sat up a little, "All of them?" There was such hopeful note to his voice that it caused Roy to wince and Brackett to frown.

Brackett shook his head, "No Johnny. Not all of them. Not in your hands or the surgical site in your side. I want that one to heal a little more still."

Johnny sank back, his voice filled with resignation as his eyes closed again. "Whatever."

Brackett nodded to the nurse who handed him a pair of stitch scissors. He began work on the smaller stitched areas on Johnny's arms first. Other than an occasional wince when a stitch had to be forcibly pulled, Johnny kept his eyes closed and made no motions. Even when Brackett moved to the more delicate areas of his face, Johnny didn't react. After what seemed like hours to Roy, Brackett pulled back and the tweezers clattered on the tray. "There now Johnny. The nurse will clean up those areas. I'm sorry about the tugging, and you've got some minor bleeding. Some of the stitches were a bit ingrown but all in all, the wounds look good. I'd say your scars will be minimal."

No reaction came from the dark hair man in the bed. Brackett picked up the chart again. "I see your lungs are clear now. And your last blood tests looked better. I think we're finally getting a handle on that infection." That news got small slits of brown eyes looking cautiously at him. Brackett grinned, "Yes Johnny. Your hands are healing. Dr. Bentley wants to come in and examine them again himself but we both agree that if this improvement continues, we should be able to soon remove the restraints on your left hand at least."

"When can I get out of here?" Johnny's voice was quiet but again hopeful.

Brackett grinned slightly at the familiar question from his ever reluctant patient. "I said you're getting better but you're no way near healed. You're still running a fever and your right hand still has a long way to go." Brackett expected more argument from his wounded paramedic and frowned slightly when Johnny gave as much of a shrug as possible, muttered, "Figured" and closed his eyes again. The doctor patted the paramedic on the leg. "You sleep now. I'll see you later." Johnny made no further motion and Roy followed the doctor into the hallway.

"Doc, so the infection? It's better?" He asked once the door closed behind them.

` Brackett nodded, "His white count is down, his fever is lower, I'd say those are all good signs."

Roy gave a great sigh and leaned against the wall. Brackett crossed his arms and asked, "Roy? When did this start?"

Roy looked at him, understanding instantly what the doctor meant. "You mean the attitude? He was… overwhelmed when I got here this morning. But he ate some, talked and napped. The last time he slept was about 4 hours long and he woke up like this." He sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. "I think he's just frustrated."

Brackett stared at his paramedic, his face twitched as he said, "I think you're right. He's had to put up with an awful lot in the last few weeks."

Roy sighed again as his gaze dropped to his feet. "I know. I'm trying to help him all I can. To let him know how sorry I am."

Brackett nodded then slapped the younger man's back. "Give it time Roy. This didn't happen overnight and it won't change overnight either." He smiled, "The bright side, he is getting better."

Roy grinned at his mentor and friend, "Yeah. Yeah he is." He watched Brackett take Johnny's chart over to the nurse's station before he re-entered his friend's room.

Roy was surprised when as he entered the room and angry brown eyes in a frowning face greeted him. "So. Are you and the good doctor done discussing the helpless cripple?"

Roy blinked, stunned by the accusing tone, "That's not . . ."

"Are you telling me that you and Brackett weren't just discussing my health out of my earshot?" Johnny interrupted. He scoffed, "Come on Man, I know you're a lot of things but I didn't think you'd added liar to the list."

That hurt and Roy winced. But given all that had happened, he felt that he deserved Johnny's anger. "I'm not trying to lie, Johnny. Yes, I was asking Brackett about you. He didn't say anything out there that he didn't already tell you. Your white count is better and the infection has slowed."

Johnny just watched him and Roy shifted uncomfortable. Then spying the bag of food, he placed it back onto the tray and began removing the containers within. "Let's see what Jo brought, ok?"

When Johnny didn't say anything, Roy continued. "Ok. We have what looks like some sort of casserole and biscuits and pudding. Oh and cookies." He removed the lid from the casserole and the room filled instantly with delightful smells. He took a fair amount up in a spoon and turned toward Johnny.

Johnny obstinately kept his mouth closed as he muttered, "I said I'm not hungry." To prove him wrong, his stomach growled just then. Johnny's frown became darker.

"Not hungry, huh?" Roy teased. Johnny's gaze remained fixed on the opposite wall. Roy sighed. "Johnny, I know you're frustrated. I know you don't like this. But you heard the doc. You are getting better. And maybe soon, you'll be able to use your left hand a little." Johnny remained as he was. Roy began again. "Listen. I know how you feel. . . "

"You know how I feel? Really!" Johnny cut him off, his head whipping around so fast Roy wondered if he'd given himself whiplash. "When was the last time you were staked out like some sort of weird science experiment in a hard cold bed, hmmm? When was the last time you had to depend totally on other people to feed you and clean you or even get you a drink? Hell, I can't even take a sh** without someone's help. Tell me, DeSoto, when were you in my position?"

Roy pulled back at the blatant anger coming from his friend. He dropped the spoon back into the container and thought hard over what he'd say to the other man's very legitimate complaints. "You're right, Johnny. I haven't been in your exact position. But there have been times when injuries have left me dependant on others for help. You know that. You were always there for me. I'm just trying to return the favor."

"You don't owe me anything, DeSoto." Johnny growled, his gaze going back to that far wall. "And I'll not play your plastic saint to appease your guilt."

Roy took a little breath in shock. Anger filled him and he felt the blood first drain from his face, then rush back with his temper. Before he could stop them, the harsh words on his tongue let loose. "Don't be so stubborn, Gage. I swear some times you're worse than a damn child! You know you're in here for your own good. And you know you must eat. If you don't eat, you won't ever get better. Is that what you really want? Do you like playing 'poor victim me' that much? " Even as he said the words, Roy instantly regretted them but, unfortunately, he had said them.

Johnny's gaze shot over and upward, brown eyes stared deeply into Roy's. For a few brief seconds Roy saw again those flashes from his dream and Johnny—wounded and dying. He gave an internal groan. 'Oh Bravo DeSoto, spear him again. Boy, you certainly are an expert at stabbing him straight in the heart.'

"I'm not your child. I'm not anybody's child. I'm not even your partner right now; you have no right to order me to do anything. And I'm not playing at anything, least of all being a victim. And no, I don't like this. As a matter of fact, I hate it all." He stopped, taking a deeper breath as the tirade had winded him. "Stop trying to force me to do what you want, DeSoto."

Roy pulled back, blinking rapidly. The truth of Johnny's words stung, but he couldn't deny they were correct. Roy looked at Johnny. Johnny's face was pale and gaunt. His breath had picked up and a deep flush colored the skin over his sharp cheekbones. Roy knew without even checking that Johnny's pulse and BP had to be way up. He knew the stress wasn't good for his healing friend.

Roy slowly nodded then softly said, "You're right. And I'm wrong. I'm sorry, Johnny. All I've ever wanted was for you to get better. I'm sorry if I've been forcing you to do anything. That was never my intention. I've only tried to do what I could to help you. Please believe that."

Johnny listened to what Roy said. God, he was tired: tired of hurting, tired of being strapped to this bed, tired of having to depend on everyone else to just live. He resented Roy's freedom to come and go and saw Roy's helpful attitude as just another way of Roy controlling him. And he was sick of being under another's control. 'Well, we'll see. We'll see if he really means what he's said before.'

Roy waited as Johnny stared at him then he saw some sort of decision suddenly in Johnny's eyes. He kept his eyes in contact with those brown ones even as Johnny ground out. "Go home. Go back to your wife and family. I don't need you here; I do just fine on my own." He tried to sit up straighter and jerked his head toward the door. "You heard me. Get out. I don't want to see you back here any time soon."

Roy nodded again, "I know you do fine by yourself, John. I know you're not a child, you're a grown man. And I'm sorry that's what you think I've been doing." He placed the once more closed containers back in the bag and picked it up. "I'll leave now, if that's what you really want."

For his own part, Johnny was surprised to see his partner give in so easily. Stunned, he felt his head nod even as Roy took a step closer to the door. Then Roy stopped and turned around. 'Ha! Knew it! He can't change his god-attitude so fast.' That annoying voice in Johnny's head gloated then cut off as Roy added, "But John. Please know this. All I want, all any of us want, is to see you healthy once more. Healthy, back on your own two feet and able to take care of yourself again." He hefted the bag briefly. "If you need me. If you want me, you know where I'll be and how to get in touch."

Again Johnny just nodded, the anger had left his face and now he showed no emotion as he stared at Roy. Roy sighed, "Take care of yourself, partner." He said softly then walked out of the door.

Johnny stared at the door for several long moments after it closed, half expecting it to fly back open again. When it remained closed, he heaved a great sigh, realizing his friend really had left him. Suddenly he felt drained and his body sagged wearily into his bed as his eyes closed. Funny, it had felt good to tell Roy off but now he felt alone and more than a little nervous. For all his talk, he wasn't sure he could do this alone, and he unexpectedly realized he didn't want to. As Johnny felt sleep pull him downward, he had one last thought; had he just forced the end of his friendship with the DeSoto family? And what would he do if that was the case?

Roy paused outside Johnny's door, chewing worriedly on his lip. He knew Johnny couldn't take care of himself at this stage, but he also realized how important it was for the younger man to feel that he had some sort of control left in his life. With a nod to himself, he strengthened his resolve. He would do as his friend had asked, after all he was his friend and he would prove it to Johnny. Quickly he walked to the nursing station. He smiled at the nurse who looked up at him, "Hey Shelly. Listen, Johnny's not feeling too good right now so I'm gonna head on home."

She frowned and stood up saying, "Oh? Maybe I should go check on him."

Roy made a dismissive motion, "No, I don't think you need to do that just yet. He looked pretty tired and I think he was gonna sleep." She nodded then smiled, "Well then, I'll check on him in a little while. He needs the sleep."

Roy nodded, then handed her the bag, "Listen, my wife brought this in for him, it's food. He hasn't eaten anything in a while and. . .you know . . ."

She nodded; she did know. She knew that Doctor Brackett had allowed outside food to be brought in for the young paramedic in an effort to get weight back on him. He handed her the bag then with a wave left. She marked the bag and stuck it into the fridge and unfortunately, forgot about it once shift change happened an hour later.

Johnny's eyes opened as the noise of someone entering his room woke him. He looked up, blurry eyed and desperately wishing he could rub the sleep away from his eyes. Instead he just peered at the fuzzy figure before him. "Dinner is here, Mr. Gage." A cheery voice told him.

The aide shoved the tray in front of him, took the lids off the food plates then smiled at him, "Enjoy your meal." And she left. Johnny blinked several times until he could focus on the food. He wrinkled his nose at the smell that wafted upward from the unrecognizable lumps. He leaned back into his pillows, wishing he could push the tray from him. Any appetite he had had was spoiled by the smell. For a moment he wondered what had happened to the casserole Roy had offered him and he regretted not eating it. "Way to go Gage. Slit your throat to spite your stomach." he muttered to himself, "you could've waited to tell Roy off after he fed you."

With a weary sigh, he closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. "Tsk, tsk, you didn't eat anything, Mr. Gage. I'll have to put that on your chart. I'm sure your doctor won't like that." The scolding voice penetrated Johnny's sleep and he forced his eyes open just in time to see someone pick up the tray from his bed.

"Wait, Miss. Could I get some . . . " He tried to call out and choked on his dry mouth. "..water?"

"If you need anything else, Mr. Gage, just use the call button." The figure called as the door shut behind her. Johnny looked over at the button hanging from the rail of his bed and sighed heavily. He tried to work up enough saliva into his mouth to swallow. With a groan of exasperation he closed his eyes again. 'Sure. You can take care of yourself just fine." he chastised himself. He tried to squirm around to find a comfortable spot but he couldn't adjust the bed himself. Several of the pillows slipped off with his movements and he couldn't do anything about it. The one left was positioned just below his shoulder blades, making his back bow awkwardly. The pain in his hand was beginning to worsen and he realized it had been a while since anyone had come in to check him. With another sigh, he resigned himself to be miserable and tried again to sleep. Although he was uncomfortable and sore, his body was tired and sleep came, but it was anything but restful.

When the nurse came in to check him, she found the fallen pillows and thinking he'd tossed it off, she laid it on the chair, took the exhausted man's vitals and left again. So the night passed, each time the nurse came in, Johnny woke up too late to catch her. Over the night time, his mouth became more dry and he began to cough and choke whenever he tried to talk. The night nurse dutifully noted this development and that the patient's voice seemed to have left him but never questioned why.

The next morning, Gretchen came in early as was her habit. She stood behind the nurse's counter talking with the night duty nurse, sipping a cup of coffee, while she waited for the shift change report. "So, quiet last night, Tina?"

Tina nodded, "For the most part. SICU is certainly different from Peds. We're always hopping over there what with night feedings and deliveries at all hours."

Gretchen laughed, "That's true and we only have 5 patients on the floor right now as well.

The student nurse came back down the hall after slipping the trays in her hands back into the food cart. "The patient in 3 still hasn't eaten or drank anything. His urine output is still low too. His temp was 102."

Tina frowned as she pulled out the proper chart. "Hmmm, no supper, no breakfast. No liquids since yesterday noon. And temp's up too. His doctor isn't going to like that." She murmured.

Gretchen frowned, "That's John Gage. He's refusing food and drink? Where's Roy?"

Tina looked blankly at her, "Roy?"

Gretchen nodded, "Yes, Roy DeSoto. He's usually here until late."

Tina shook her head, "There's been no one with him since I came on. The nurse on the previous shift said he hadn't eaten or drank anything on her shift as well. She didn't say anything about anyone with him."

Gretchen frowned. "That's unusual. Roy's usually here to feed Johnny."

The student nurse and head nurse exchanged curious frowns. Tina turned back to Gretchen who had taken the chart from her hands. "Coughing? When did this start? How often did you offer him water?"

"Offer him water? What do you mean?" Tina asked even as the student nurse replied. "He's had a full picture of water on his bedstand all night and hasn't touched it. I know. It was full last night when I came on and I refilled it. It was still full when I picked up his tray this morning."

Gretchen looked up, a scowl on her face. "Well, a lot of good it would do him on the bedstand. Didn't you offer him any?"

The student nurse looked back and forth between the two older nurses. "No, I mean, why would I?"

Gretchen rolled her eyes, "Oh for . . ." She said crossly and stalked off. Bewildered and more than curious. the other two followed her. Gretchen pushed the door open quickly hearing the dry hacking cough within. Instantly she took the still filled glass, placed a straw within it and went to Johnny's side. She held the straw to Johnny's lips as she said, "Here liebchen, drink."

Brown eyes opened to look gratefully at her as he drank deeply. "Slowly now, don't choke." She cautioned him as she soothingly rubbed his shoulder. He finally pulled back with a sigh after draining the glass. "Thanks Gretchen. You don't know how dry my throat was." The student nurse's eyes opened wide in surprise at the strong sounding voice. It wasn't anything like the pitiful weak croak she'd heard before.

Gretchen stole a glance at the two figures behind her, "Yes, I can imagine. Johnny? Are you hungry? I saw the sack with your name on it. I guess Roy left it?"

Johnny ducked his head as he nodded. His growling stomach answered the question for her and she chuckled.

He gave her a sheepish grin then shifted carefully in his bed. She frowned, taking in his awkward position in the bed and the way the one pillow bowed his back, putting more pressure on his hips. "You're propped up there kinda high. Have you been like that all night?'

He dropped his head and gave a faint nod. She sighed and slightly lowered the bed, relieving the pressure on his buttocks. Then she pulled him carefully forward and reset the pillows. Johnny sighed as the pain in his stiff muscles eased. She patted his shoulder as she said, "You relax a minute while I go see what Roy left for you. Once you've eaten, I'll reposition you and then we'll see about doing something about those tightened muscles."

He nodded, never seeing the other two women Gretchen brushed out with her.

Tina looked angry, "Why didn't he call? He never said a word all night long!"

Gretchen looked at her, "Did you read his chart? He can't call, look!" She pointed to the directions left by Dr. Bentley.

Tina read, "Due to open wounds patient's hands bilaterally are to remain restrained within. . . . Oh my God Gretchen, the poor man!" Gretchen nodded as the student nurse paled, "He couldn't reach for the button."

"Or feed himself, or get water or even change his own position in the bed." She left the two thinking about what they had done as she checked on the bag. She found the biscuits and retrieving butter and jelly from the breakfast cart as well as three chilled milks. Armed with these and a bottle of skin lotion, she went back into Johnny's room. A hour later, she left a sated Johnny contentedly dozing. After feeding him, she had shifted the apparatus for his hands, allowing him to rest on his right side for a while to give his back and buttocks a much needed break. Then she had massaged his back and shoulders, relieving the tension from his forced upright position all night.

Tina looked up from her charting as Gretchen refilled her neglected coffee cup. "I feel so bad. I must have checked on him four times last night and it never registered he couldn't move."

Gretchen gave a curt nod, not willing to let the other nurse off easy since she felt an important lesson should be learned, "That's why we are to always read through the charts and pay particular attention to the doctor's comments not just the notes from the shift before. If you had, you would have known."

Tina shook her head at herself, "His cough, it was from his mouth being dry. And his low urine output, the same. All that would've been corrected if I'd just stayed with him long enough to see the apparatus or had read the chart."

Gretchen didn't say anything. She just drank her coffee then began pulling the current charts to prepare for shift change. Once the other shift left, the new shift began their morning duties of preparing medications and following what orders the doctor's had prescribed. When Gretchen briefed her nurses on what was the day's duties, she deliberately left the patient in SICU 3 off the list. Today, that patient would be her own responsibility. The experienced nurse was more than capable of handling the responsibilities of floor nurse AND taking care of a very special patient. Once everything was set in motion and the morning meds were dispensed, Gretchen prepared a special tray and headed off to Room 3.

When she pushed open the door, brown eyes opened to look up at her. She smiled, "Feel like freshening up a little, Liebchen?"

He gave her a sleepy smile. She released the gown's ties from his neck and pushed it forward out of the way. "Since you're already lying on your side, I'll start with your back." She did so and Johnny closed his eyes in appreciation of the warm water and soothing motions. Once she had all of his back cleaned and dried, she rubbed more lotion into his dry skin, making sure to spend time massaging the areas that showed pressure marks. She had felt the tension slowly leave his body and a glance over his shoulder proved his eyes nearly closed. She knew he was nearly asleep again.

She patted his shoulder and he gave a drowsy, "Hmmm?" She chuckled, "I'm glad you're enjoying this but I need to move you onto your back now."

Johnny sighed heavily, "If you must."

Gretchen moved the structure holding his left hand first, then carefully rolled him back onto his back. She had flattened the bed first with only a slight bend near his knees. Johnny settled back, still feeling relaxed. She started first with his face then moved down his body, repeating everything she had on his back. She spent special time rubbing lotion into his dry feet, giving him the benefit of her knowledge in reflexology. A happy sigh escaped her patient. That done, she pulled a tube and began smoothing the lotion within on the areas where Brackett had recently removed his stitches. The fragrant smell of lavender tickled Johnny's nose and his eyes pulled open.

"Whazzat?" He slurred.

Gretchen smiled, "It's a special ointment for scars. My mom was quite the herbalogist. She developed it. It's pretty simple actually, some lavender oil, vitamin e oil, lanolin as well as a few secret ingredients."

Johnny nodded slightly, his eyes sliding shut again. "Smells nice. Stops the itching."

Gretchen smiled as she treated all his healing wounds with the ointment except his surgery site and his hands. Johnny was so limp, he felt like an unconscious person as Gretchen expertly moved his body, changing his gown and his bedding. She pulled back for a moment, just watching him sleep. Then spying the nearly empty output bag, she poured another glass of water and laid a gently hand on his shoulder. Again she got, "hmmm?"

"Johnny you need to drink. You're still a little dehydrated." She told him as she placed the straw to his lips. Without opening his eyes, he did so, empting the cup again. She placed it back on the bedside and smiled at her charge. "You sleep now. I'll be back in a little while to check on you."

She heard a faint, "k" just as she'd gathered up all her items and pushed open the door. Two hours had passed when Gretchen looked up and noted the time. She frowned, "It's nearly 10 and Roy hasn't come yet. I hope nothing is wrong." She looked back into the bag and pulled out the container holding the casserole. Calling an aide over she ordered, "Take this down to the kitchen and have them warm this up. See it they have any bananas or peaches as well."

The aide grinned, "This for Mr. Gage?"

Gretchen tried to look gruff but failed as she looked into her nephew's twinkling eyes. "So what if it is?"

"I'll see to it personally, Ms. Collins." He gave her a cheeky grin and hurried off. She frowned and grumbled under her breath, "another smart-alecy infant. I'm doomed to forever take care of babies." Then her face soften as she thought again of the young man in Room 3.

As good as his word, Randall walked into the kitchen with a grin and swagger. He spotted the older dietitian he'd teased several times and headed over toward her. "Hiya, May. What's special today?"

Light brown eyes lifted and smile broke out over the heart-shaped face. "Hello Randy. I thought today I'd make pineapple upside down cake."

Randy smacked his lips, "Sounds really good. Hey I've got some food I need reheated." May turned and called one of the aide over and instructed the girl to warm the mixture. Randy watched as she scurried away then remembered, "I was told to bring back some peaches or banana too with that."

May jerked her head toward the cooler saying, "Check in there but don't touch anything else." He did so and returned with a small dish of peaches. He watched as she crafted the cakes then placed them into the large ovens.

"Those are sure gonna be good," he murmured and she smiled at him. "I'll be sure to save you some." He nodded happily then snapped his fingers. "Hey I betcha Gage would like some too, I know he likes baked goods."

May froze at that name but her voice showed no sign as she asked, "Who?"

Randy shrugged, "Oh, one of the patients up on SICU. He's a paramedic who works out of here named John Gage. The food I just brought down is for him."

"Is . . .is he bad?"

Randy gave a shrug and a sigh, "Well yes and no. Seems he was hurt on the job a couple weeks ago and it got infected. Really bad, I guess, since they had to do further surgery on him. He might lose his hands from what I've seen." He frowned and moved closer to the petite woman. "May? You alright? You look a little pale yourself."

She shook her head and gave him a smile, "I'm fine. I think I've just been standing in here with the ovens too long. I'll get something to drink and sit down and I'll be fine." At that moment the aide brought the warmed food back. And May grabbed it. She placed the food on a warmed plate then added a fresh soft roll and several pats of butter as well as a large dollop of whipped cream on the peaches. She handed the covered tray to Randy and told him, "Make sure you grab a couple of milks from the cooler before you go up." Randy nodded and with a smile left. It wasn't until he was in the elevator he paused, thinking, 'How'd she know Gage always drinks milk?'

Back in the kitchen, in her office May bent over her desk, her head in her hands. "He might lose his hands. Oh God. How long has he been in SICU?" She pulled back and ran a hand through her brown grey streaked hair, "No more time to waste, May. This time, you have to go see him. It might be the only chance you get." She reached into the drawer and pulled out a barrette and rubbed her fingers over the beadwork on it, her finger tracing the pattern of a multi-pointed star lovingly. Then with a sigh, she replaced the barrette, rose, refastened her hair back under her hair net and went back to her duties.

Randy balanced the tray on the edge of the nurse's desk just as Gretchen looked up. "Got Gage's dinner." He told her with a wink. She scowled at him, "Cheeky. I'll take it, you go see about helping Penny change the bedding in 5 and 8. We've got two new patients in recovery right now that'll be up here soon." He nodded and headed off.

Gretchen took the tray and entered room 3. She placed the tray on the bedtray and swiveled it into position. As she removed the lids the smell filled the room and roused the sleeping occupant. He smiled at Gretchen as she moved his bed into a more upright position.

"I've got you some food here Johnny." She pushed the tray into position and scooped some of the casserole up into the spoon. Johnny eagerly opened his mouth and Gretchen filled it. She continued giving him casserole interspersed with bites of roll lathered in butter and all washed down with cold milk. As he was enjoying the last of his peaches, she commented, "You ate pretty good."

He nodded as he drank the milk. She looked at her watch. "I wondered where Roy was, he's usually here long before now. But I imagine he'll be here before suppertime."

She looked up as Johnny turned his head and quietly told her, "Better put my name back on the list for the kitchen."

She frowned, "Why? Did something happen?"

Johnny shifted uneasily then gave a deep sigh. "Yeah. You could say that I happened. I doubt he'll be in here again for quite a while." Then he closed his eyes and leaned back into his pillows. Gretchen watched him closely for several minutes, noticing that he looked troubled. However, she wouldn't push, his cryptic words had been enough to tell her several things. She'd wait and see. She cleaned off the rolling tray and put the lids back on the tray. Then she moved the bed into a more reclined position. She took his vitals, noticing that while they were still getting stronger, the young man in the bed remained quiet and withdrawn, eyes closed. She patted his shoulder and told him, "You get some sleep and I'll see you in a bit." Then she picked up the tray and left.

Gretchen was again at her desk a few hours later, having checked on Johnny again and found him sleeping. She'd had her own lunch break and was charting when a faint clearing of a throat and the rustle of a paper sack caught her attention. She looked up and smiled. "Roy. I wondered where you've been. Everything ok at home?"

He nodded and pushed the sack toward her. "I've brought Johnny some dinner and a few snacks."

Gretchen pointed a pencil down the hall, "Well don't let me keep you. You know where he's at."

Roy shuffled his feet uncomfortably and looked down. Gretchen stopped doing what she was doing and studied him.

"I . . . I can't. I just wanted to make sure he got something. But I . . .I can't take it to him." He finally finished.

Gretchen's eyes narrowed as she put the pieces together in a possible fit, even though she didn't like the pattern they formed. "I'm glad you left that sack yesterday." She commented as she turned back to her charts as if that was the most important thing and she was just making casual conversation. "Johnny would've gotten pretty hungry today without it."

Roy frowned, "What do you mean? Didn't he finish it yesterday?"

Gretchen shook her head. "Seems everyone on the evening shift forgot about him. And it wasn't as if he could use the call button or anything. Then the night shift had a new floor nurse and well, she didn't know Johnny or read all the way through his chart."

She shrugged nonchalantly while watching him covertly from the corner of her eyes as she added. "He was miserable by the time I got in this morning. He'd been laying in an awkward position all night with his bed propped up, no water and no food since I guess when you left yesterday."

Roy closed his eyes as his face paled, thinking about his friend, helpless and no one willing to help him. "oh." Then he sighed deeply and kind of poked at the sack in front of him. After several moments he said, "Gretchen, while I appreciate hearing about him, I don't think Johnny would be to happy if he found out I was checking up on him. He is an adult."

Gretchen frowned, now getting a clearer picture of what might have transpired between the two men. "Yes, he is. But I also know you are listed in his records as next of kin so my telling you about him breaks no confidence." She stood up and moved closer, putting a consolatory hand on Roy's arm. "He's frustrated and hurting and tired of being strapped down like some kid's science project. Be honored that he thinks enough of your friendship to know that he can cut loose on you and you can take it."

Roy raised his head, his blue eyes searching hers, "You think that's what he's doing?"

Gretchen gave a sardonic grin, "I'd bet my stripes on it.,"

Roy gave a short laugh then shook his head sadly, "Well, you'd lose. I don't think that's what he's doing at all." He looked up to the ceiling blinking rapidly as he continued, "You . .. you don't know our history. You don't know what happened."

Gretchen squeezed his arm, her voice lower but strong as she said, "You'd be surprised what I know, Mr. DeSoto."

Roy's head jerked down to look at her, his eyes now wide. She held his gaze as she slowly nodded. Roy's face flushed first red then paled as he sighed, "Dixie."

Gretchen flexed her hand on his arm, "Don't blame Army, I forced the issue. When it comes to giving proper care to my charges, I leave very little to chance."

Roy ducked his head, "So. You know about how bad I treated him. You know that he's only giving me back what I rightly deserve."

Gretchen now shook his arm, "That's not true and you'd better get those thoughts out of your head right now if you're serious about changing." Her voice grew colder as she continued, "Or is this all an act to assuage your guilt?"

Hearing Johnny's words come out of her mouth shocked Roy and he burst out with a loud "NO!" He glanced around, embarrassed then repeated in a softer voice, "No. That's not it at all. Johnny is my friend, even if he doesn't think so right now. Yeah, I'm sorry I hurt him but I would still be here even if that didn't all happen."

Gretchen smiled to ease her words, "Then be there for him. He's testing you." Roy stopped, his mouth open wide as he realized the truth in her words. "he's pushing me." He breathed. Then shaking his head, "He's pushing me like I pushed him. He's trying to see if I really mean all I've told him." His shoulders slumped as he accepted this.

Gretchen took the sack and marked it with Johnny's name as Roy watched. He looked back over his shoulder toward Johnny's room then sighed. "well. I'd better go."

Gretchen caught his eyes and held them. "Just give him time Roy. And," Her eyes twinkled, "Don't go far."

Roy's lips twisted in a faint smile, "Never. All he has to do is say the word." Gretchen nodded and watched the sad figure walk down the hall, pause in front of the door to room 3 then walk on.

The door barely opened before the slight figure on the other side slipped into the dimly lit room. The setting sun was shining in through the window, and highlighting the shape in the bed. Her eyes caught first on the strange contraption rigged to the bed, holding his arms out from his body. Then he stirred, moving his legs and shifting in the bed. His head turned toward her, eyes still shut, the sunlight clearly illuminating his face. Her breath caught in her throat, "Joe . . ." she breathed softly. But even as she said it, saw the similarities, she saw the differences.

She moved closer, drawn by the sight before her. A thin nearly gaunt sharply angled face with eyes closed so that dark lashes lay on the cheeks. Dark hair hung down nearly in the closed eyes and she felt her hand rise, moving to brush the heavy locks back before she even realized what she was doing. He moved again and gave a soft moan but remained asleep.

This close she could see the marks on his face and across his arms and exposed chest. 'He could've died. He could've died and then I'd never have gotten this chance.' Tears filled her eyes as she looked him over. 'Oh Johnny. My Johnny' Part of her wanted those eyes to open, wondering if she'd still see the innocence within those deep dark depths or had time changed him. As if he'd heard her, those eyes slid open and he blinked at her. She smiled and smoothed his forehead, stroking the angled brows as she said, "Shhhhh, sleep Tanagila, sleep. You're alright; just close your eyes." She murmured softly and those dark eyes blinked slower, rolled then closed as a faint smile stretched his lips.

The tears that had threatened earlier now slid down her cheeks. She'd been right, she'd seen in his eyes all she'd hoped to see. Carefully she leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on his still healing cheek. Then she wiped the tears from her own face and left just as quietly as she had came.

Gretchen walked into Room 3 and stood for a few moments looking at the sleeping occupant of the bed. Then with a sigh she moved forward and began her vitals check. Part of her hated that she would soon be off duty, leaving him to someone else but she'd make sure that the nurse replacing her knew about the special circumstances with this patient. Sleepy brown eyes opened and Johnny smiled at her as he stretched as much as his restrictions allowed him.

"Just need to do a vitals check Johnny. It's almost shift change." She told him even as she wrapped the BP cuff around his arm.

"Oh. You going off shift already?" He asked then frowned. "Gretch, where you in here about ohh, twenty minutes ago?"

She shook her head as she pumped up the cuff. "No. I was overseeing the new arrivals." He frowned deeper but remained quiet until she released all the air from the cuff and began pulling it off. "Why?"

"I thought someone was in here." He explained, "I woke up briefly and someone was in my room. They . . ." he reached up and touched his forehead, remembering the feeling of a gentle hand soothing him back to sleep. Then his eyes widened a little more and he swallowed hard. Gretchen saw the reaction and reached for the cup of water. She offered it to Johnny and he drank deeply.

She frowned at him. "You alright?"

He nodded and gave her a lopsided smile. "Yeah. I'm fine. Guess it was just a dream."

Gretchen completed the vitals check then asked, "Would you like a snack? Someone from the kitchen sent you a piece of pineapple upside down cake." He nodded faintly and Gretchen left to get it. She fed it to him, letting him wash it down with a cup of coffee then she told him she'd see him the next day.

Johnny settled back into his bed, his brows knotted together as he reviewed what he'd remembered. "She called me Tanagila. Whoever was in here, whoever she was, she called me Tanagila. There's no one alive now that knows that." With that thought he fell into an unsettled sleep.

Roy returned home and entered the house with his face wrinkled in thought and his heart heavy. In his mind he knew Gretchen was right but in his soul, he hurt for his friend. JoAnne saw her husband's face and instantly knew his inner conflict. She wrapped her arms around him and snuggled her body to his. He reciprocated and they stood there, feeling the comfort offered by the other. Finally she spoke, "You didn't see him." It was a statement.

She felt his headshake. She looked up into his face. "It's what he wants right now." He nodded. She squeezed his waist and he sighed as he dropped his chin to rest on her head. "I know. And I understand, really."

She smiled, "But…?"

He looked down, smiled and kissed her nose. "He had a really bad night." He went on to tell her all that Gretchen had said. Jo nodded as he finished, "So now you feel guilty as well."

With a sigh he gave another nod. "If I had been there, he might have been angry but he wouldn't have been neglected. I never meant for him to suffer. Never. Not even when I was . . .doing to him what I was doing to him. I never meant for him to be hurt."

Jo squeezed her arms again, "I know. And I think inside he does too. Roy, he has to work this out for himself, just like Gretchen said. You've had some time to think about what happened and try to rectify it. Johnny hasn't. Give him time."

At this repeat of Gretchen's words, his smile grew and he kissed her nose, "Have I told you lately what a smart woman you are, Mrs. DeSoto?"

She batted her eyes at him and smiled back, "Why, how nice of you to notice, Mr. DeSoto."

His smile turned into a leer as he pulled her closer, "That's not all I notice about you."

Jo gave a gasp then melted against him as he nibbled on her neck. "Jenny's over at Missy's again. How 'bout you come help me . . . ummmm . . . strip the beds?"

"Oh yeah." He growled, "Stripping sounds . . .just fine to me."