A/N: Future Fic- established Jane/Lisbon
I am on a writing roll! Woot! This week, Evergreen was updated and so was my 3rd SG1/Mentalist crossover which has been moved to the crossover section now. Okay…so this turned out much sadder than I anticipated. You might need some tissues along the way. I just didn't have a different ending in me. This situation did happen to a friend of mine recently, and I can't imagine what anyone in this situation goes through.
The title is a line from William Blake's The Tyger.
Written for the Paint It Red March Challenge: Prompt- Surrender; 50 Ways to Feel: prompt -miserable
What Hand Dare Seize the Fire
Sitting in her office chair, Teresa Lisbon deeply inhaled the spicy aroma of her coffee before taking a satisfying sip. Hazelnut with a hunt of chocolate, and it was her favorite. Their last case was closed hours ago, and she was almost finished with the accompanying paperwork. It was the type of case she loved. A simple twist that was easily solvable with minimized damage from her consultant. The rest of the day had been relatively uneventful, and she sent the others home hours ago. She felt oddly relaxed.
She smiled at the sound of approaching footsteps, looking up when Patrick Jane stuck his head in her door. His unruly blond curls were out of place, and she shook her head in mock disgust. Jane slowly sauntered in before perching at the edge of her desk, as she returned to her paperwork. He was content to watch her work, taking in every detail as if he had never watched her before- the way her teeth tugged at her bottom lip when she was deep in concentration, when she let out a huff that lifted her bangs in return, and especially the surprisingly feminine way she signed her name on the case file. He loved the things that made Lisbon, well Lisbon.
"Hi," she said in a soft murmur as she stacked the file in her outgoing mail box.
"Hi," he responded with a grin. She held his gaze, the corners of her lips quirking upward.
"How about we stop for seafood on the way home? We should celebrate Tuesday."
"Tuesday?" she responded, lifting her eyebrow in question.
"Why not?" Jane replied, his eyes twinkling.
Chuckling, she nodded her head in agreement while rummaging through her desk drawers to collect her belongings. Standing, Jane placed his hand on the small of her back as he escorted her out of her office, pausing briefly to lock the door. As they headed toward her car, she linked her hand with is and gave it a squeeze. In response, Jane pulled her closer to his side and wrapped his arm around her waist, briefly tickling the skin exposed from her shirt riding up. She swatted his hand away, and he pinned her against the car, knowing she could easily break free if she desired. Her eyes were shining as she looked up at him with a bemused expression, and he took the opportunity to steal a quick kiss before releasing her and heading to the passenger's side door.
"You're in a good mood," she said as they buckled up.
"It's nice to see you happy," he retorted as they pulled out of the parking lot.
A few hours later, she was rubbing her stomach and groaning at the amount of shrimp she decided to eat. By the looks of things, Jane was in the same predicament and they traded amused glances while he signaled for the check. Signing the bill, he looked up to see her bit her lip, a pensive look crossing her face. She looked unsure of herself which put him on a slight edge.
"Teresa?" he questioned softly.
"Patrick," she paused and looked at her hands. She paused, and he waited for her to gather her thoughts. "I want to have a baby."
Jane reached out and brushed his finger across her cheek. She looked up at him, and he could see the turmoil in her eyes.
"Then, we'll have a baby," he responded without hesitation.
"Really?" she said with a radiant smile. "I just thought it might be my biological clock ticking, or that you might not want-"
"You're babbling," he said as he cut her off with a grin. "Of course I want a child with you."
She blushed, a pretty pink coloring her cheeks. He laughed softly, and caressed her hand. Pulling her to her feet, he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace before leading her out of the restaurant. Neither of them could stop smiling.
xxxxxx.
3 Months Later
"So is Lisbon going to retire?" Rigsby asked Jane as he patted the other man on the back.
"Nah. But she's giving up field work. She's going all administrative on us. The higher ups were talking about possibly moving her into an assistant director job anyways. God knows she has enough training."
Van Pelt beamed as she congratulated Jane with a hug. The team had been overjoyed at the news, and Jane predicted it wouldn't be long before the whole office knew, despite Lisbon wanted to keep it quiet a little while longer. He couldn't wait for her to get back to the office. She had dragged Cho off to an interview after promising him she'd let Cho take point. He knew she wouldn't do anything to endanger their child. He beamed. Their child. The past three weeks had been filled with glee, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. Not to people they considered family, and he knew Lisbon wouldn't mind.
"Have you talked to Minelli? I knew he and Lisbon were close," Van Pelt asked.
"I think Lisbon's going to call him later this week. We hadn't planned to tell anyone for a little while longer. She wanted to be sure before spreading the news."
Jane's phone rang, the sound echoing around the bullpen.
"Speak of the devil," he said with a grin before answering.
"Jane. You need to get to the hospital right now."
The urgency in Cho's voice made his heart lurch as he turned white, racing out of the door.
"Jane?" Rigsby and Van Pelt watched him in stunned silence.
Oh God. Please no. Please let them be okay. Not this. Anything but this.
Cho met him at the door to her room, but he could see Lisbon sitting on the bed. He instantly knew, and his heart broke. She was pale, and looked more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. It was hard to match the broken woman with the strong Agent Lisbon he knew and loved.
Rigsby and Van Pelt had arrived by that time, staying back as Cho filled them in on the situation. The doctor entered the room and pulled him aside talking of cramping and distress after a collision with another person, and how it was relatively common after only seven weeks. There was no reason they couldn't try again in two months. But the only word ringing in Jane's ears was 'miscarriage'.
He pushed passed the doctor, and went to Lisbon's side. Kneeling in front of her, her eyes were bright with unshed tears.
Oh sweetheart.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as a heart wrenching sob tore from her throat.
The others quietly slipped out giving the pair privacy. Jane quickly pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Rocking her gently, he rubbed her back while she clung to him, her face buried in the side of his neck. He raised his hand and caressed her head, running his fingers gently through her hair as his own tears began to fall.
"I love you," he murmured into her hair.
xxxxxx.
It took four weeks to get Lisbon to smile.
The team had been subdued, and even Jane had stayed out of trouble. His only concern was Lisbon's well-being. By week six, things were starting to return back to normal. Conversations no longer stopped when either of them entered the room, and people had stopped treating Lisbon like she was going to break. Although, that last one took her blowing up at several unsuspecting do-gooders before it sunk in. Watching her throw herself back into work, Jane knew she'd be fine.
On a particularly sunny day, Lisbon looked different. She seemed happier. Lighter. When they got home from work, Lisbon ambushed him in the kitchen and slipped her hands under his shirt. His breath escaped in a hiss, as she grinned wickedly at him.
"Two months," was all she said before standing on her tiptoes and pressing her lips to his.
Jane chuckled and pulled her close. Suddenly he picked her up, causing her to let out an undignified shriek as he carried her to their bedroom.
xxxxxx.
They decided to keep it a secret.
As the ultrasound date approached, Lisbon grew more and more restless. Cho picked up on Lisbon's swirling emotions and pulled Jane aside to confirm what he already knew. Jane appreciated having someone else to look after her without her realizing it. The day passed with many cups of tea, until Lisbon eventually snapped at Jane for hovering.
Their fears were unfounded, and they were greeted by a beaming doctor who announced that it was a girl. They were ecstatic. The doctor continued to explain the next series of tests that could be ordered, and Lisbon quickly agreed. Jane just stared at the little heartbeat pulsating across the screen. They were having a baby!
"I'm so happy for you both!" Van Pelt said with a squeal as she bounced around the squad room.
Lisbon and Jane traded glances, and each wondered how long it would take for the rumor mill to take effect. Lisbon was already starting to show, and soon, it would be impossible to hide. She had already switched to desk duty which had raised a lot of eyebrows, so Jane didn't think it would take too long. Tuning back into the conversation, he realized Van Pelt was already talking about planning a baby shower and decorating the nursery. Lisbon looked slightly overwhelmed with the red head's exuberance. Jane just kissed her forehead.
"So have you thought of any names?" Cho asked while Van Pelt kept Lisbon's attention focused solely on decorating and shopping.
"I think we're going with Jenna Lynne Jane," Jane said with a smile.
Cho nodded his approval and the day continued.
xxxxxx.
The results came back unclear.
The doctor was grim as he discussed a possible anomaly in the blood work. He wasn't sure what it meant. Lisbon's age could be affecting the pregnancy, or it may be something else entirely. He suggested a wait-and-see attitude. After he left, the couple sat in silence.
"I'm sorry," Lisbon said softly, refusing to look at Jane.
"Don't apologize, Teresa. It's not your fault."
"But I can't give you what you want."
Her voice broke.
"We'll be okay. I still have you, and I will always love you."
Losing Jenna wasn't guaranteed, but it was a strong possibility.
"I just thought-"she paused, her voice wavering. "I thought things would be easier once Red John was gone. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"Shhh, darling," Jane whispered as she curled into his side. "We don't know anything for sure, and we can always try again-"
"No," Lisbon cut him off sharply. "I don't think I can do this again."
xxxxxx.
Lisbon had begun confiding in Van Pelt more often since the most recent results. The red head's enthusiasm was contagious most days, and she honestly believed that everything would turn out perfectly. Jane was just happy she hadn't shut herself off from the team.
"Why did I do this again?" Lisbon muttered with a tinge of fear. "I was happy with Jane. We had each other. I didn't need to have a baby."
"But you love him," Van Pelt said with no room for argument. "Besides, you two would make seriously gorgeous babies!"
Lisbon barked out a laugh as she rubbed her swollen stomach.
"I dream about her. How she has my eyes, but Jane's unruly curls."
"She'll have everyone wrapped around her finger," Van Pelt added with a grin. Lisbon rolled her eyes, accepting the possibility with a little bit of hope.
xxxxxx.
When they got the final news that Jenna would likely be stillborn, Jane fell apart first.
Lisbon had locked herself in her office with the blinds drawn, while Jane sat on the couch, put his face in his hands, and cried. Van Pelt held him, her heart breaking for Jane and her boss, wishing she could do something for the two people who deserved happiness the most.
Later, Cho picked the lock and Lisbon collapsed against him. Her stony exterior crumbling as her long-time best friend held her tighter.
xxxxxx.
Jenna Lynne Jane was born weeks later at 2:30pm in the afternoon.
There were tears of happiness and many tears of pain. Jane kept waiting for the little girl to draw a breath and wail. Surely, they had many more years to watch this precious girl grow up. They were supposed to take her home now and experience sleepless nights and newborn firsts.
The service was held the following day, and the support from the CBI was overwhelming.
Long after everyone else had left, the team stood near Jane as Lisbon leaned against him, two dark silhouettes on a beautiful day.
Jane was determined they would make it through this. They had the team and they had each other. This would not rip them apart.
Bowing his head, Lisbon pulled him closer and he surrendered to the tears.