CHAPTER 19
-:- To Understand All is to Forgive All -:-
2006 -:- Past Memories
"Edward!" a voice gasped from behind us.
The sound of the voice startled me, causing me to drop the body at my feet. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve as I slowly turned around. My eyes zeroed in on a horrified Carlisle standing in the doorway to the bunker.
"What have you done?"
The only sounds in the room were from the crying girl, begging for her life, and the man screaming in pain as the venom spread throughout his blood. The rest of us were too dazed to move. Carlisle was standing in the doorway of the bunker. For the others, they hadn't seen him in over two months, so their shock was evident, but I had seen him almost two weeks ago. Of course he looked the same; nothing had changed, except for the look in his eyes. The revulsion in them caused me to look away, ashamed by his gaze.
I could still feel Jasper's thirst from behind me. We all could. It was overpowering the other emotions in the room. He was struggling with his hunger. He needed the blood.
"Edward," Esme's voice rang clear through the room, over the top of the cries from the humans. "Pick him up!" She motioned to the man at my feet. I hesitated, confused by what she was asking. "Pick him up." She pointed to the man again. But it was like I was frozen. I couldn't move, my mind was locked in a silent battle with Carlisle.
Edward…don't. This is not who we are, Carlisle said silently in earnest.
Esme watched the expression on my face, which must have been showing my internal struggle. She slowly turned her head to look at Carlisle, narrowing her eyes in anger, like she knew exactly what he was saying to me. Gone were the pretensions, and she moved with lightening speed toward me and picked up the man, thrusting him toward Jasper.
Jasper could no longer contain his hunger or his shame and drank greedily from the man until his cries were silenced.
Carlisle did not protest, he stood as still as a statue. Esme's rage had finally manifested. She was hurt and angry and she wanted Carlisle to know that her family was her priority. She would do whatever necessary to heal Jasper.
"If he needs more," she wiped the blood on her thighs, "give him this one." She pointed to the woman who was now quiet, but shaking on the floor.
"Esme," Carlisle said softly.
She whipped her head around, and silenced him with a stare. Esme grabbed my shoulder, squeezing it as hard as she could. "This had to be done." We owe him nothing. No explanations.
"Edward …" he said hesitating.
"Don't you dare speak to him!" Esme yelled. "If you no longer want me, I can live with that. But what you did to Edward is unforgiveable. What you did to this family, my family, cannot be undone. It's inexcusable. Get out!" she screamed, taking a few deep breaths. "We'll find our own way." Her voice cracked on the last word. She was trying so hard to be strong and protective, but it pained her greatly to say those words. She turned, and walked through the door to the back of the bunker where Rosalie had gone only moments ago.
Carlisle went to follow her, but Emmett's hand shot out, stopping him in his tracks. "I don't think so, Carlisle. You gave up that right when you turned your back on us weeks ago."
Rosalie came rushing into the room to see if it really was Carlisle. She had needed to see him with her own eyes, and the relief was apparent in her expression. "You're finally here. I knew you wouldn't leave us," she said vehemently, hugging him.
Emmett peeled Rosalie off of Carlisle. "He's not back, Rose. He's leaving."
"No, he isn't," she said with a firm voice, looking from me to Emmett back to Carlisle. "He's family. We'll work it out, but he's staying. Aren't you?" she asked Carlisle.
"It's not up to us. It's up to Esme, and she wants him to leave," Emmett explained.
"Well, she's wrong. She's hurt, but she'll come around. She doesn't mean it right now," she said, again her gaze moved from me to Emmett to Carlisle.
"If she doesn't want him here, I don't either." Emmett turned to Carlisle. "It's one thing, you leaving us, leaving Esme. But I know what you said to Edward, and as far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't forgive you for something like that. As for the wrong you've done Esme, well that's up to her. If it were up to me, I'd knock you on your ass … repeatedly … and walk away. But I'm not as loving and forgiving as those two." He motioned his head toward me, and then back at the door behind him. "So I'll leave the decision with them, as will the rest of us."
"Emmett!" Rosalie exclaimed.
"No, Rose. I'm right on this one, and this time you will listen to me," he said through a clenched jaw, and pointed to his chest as he emphasized the word 'me.' He grabbed her by the arm and led her through the door, seeking out Esme. Rosalie gave me one last look. Her expression was shaken by what had just transpired, but she begged one final thought to me.
Edward, please.
Alice gently touched my shoulder. It startled me, causing me to jump. I was enraptured with the tension in the room, I had forgotten Alice and Jasper were still behind me.
I'm here, Alice said silently. Whatever you need…I'm here. Thank you for what you've done for me and Jasper. Whatever you need. She wouldn't look at Carlisle. Her loyalty was to me, and I believed that she would do anything for me, even if it meant removing Carlisle.
I looked to the girl on the floor, who had now moved to the corner of the couch trying to hide behind it. Alice nodded, knowing exactly what needed to be done. The body of the man needed to be burned, and we had to make a decision on what was going to happen to the young girl. I was incapable of making any more decisions, Alice knew this, and I was grateful for her intuitiveness.
Emmett came back into the room, his arms folded and his expression meant business. Esme wants to make sure that Jasper gets what he needs. "Alice, how's Jasper? Did it help?"
"I don't know. He seems a bit better, but he still looks … starved," she trailed off, nervously looking between me and Carlisle. Jasper was still curled up in a ball on the bed. His eyes were not as black as they had been. I knew what the little amount of human blood I had ingested felt like coursing through my veins. I was more invigorated than I had been in long, long while. It was causing a warmth deep inside my entire body, and I could tell Jasper was feeling it as well. His emotions were running havoc on his body. With the strength from the blood, came the strength of his powers. We had to get him out of here as soon as we could or the torment would be too much.
I figured the best way to diffuse the situation was to take Carlisle out of the equation. It would make it easier on everyone if I just took him away from the bunker, even if it was just to say goodbye.
"Jasper's going to need more," I said as quietly as possible. "But he's also going to need to be moved as soon as possible. You can feel it, right?" I asked Alice and Emmett. They understood what I had meant. The emotions Jasper was projecting were definitely amplified.
I walked to Carlisle with my head down, afraid to look him in the eye. "I think it's best for everyone, if you follow me." He simply nodded and followed me, not raising another question or protest, even though he knew full well what Alice and Emmett were planning. He accepted it was no longer his place to object, which distressed me even more.
We walked in silence up to the surface, crawling through the rafters, where we stood side by side. For the first time in almost a century, he couldn't find the words to speak. So I said the first thing that came to mind.
"Why now? Why come back at all?"
"I saw you at the hospital."
"You were there? Have you been there this whole time?"
"Yes. And no." He took a deep breath, trying to decide how to begin. "I did leave. That day we … quarreled."
I couldn't help but scoff. 'Quarreled.' Not quite the word I would have used. "So why come back then?" I said bitterly.
"I heard what had happened at the hospital."
"So, you had no intention of coming back? If that hadn't happened, you wouldn't have come back."
"No," he answered truthfully. "I wouldn't have."
His words hit me hard, as if someone had punched me in the stomach. I raised my hands in the air in a gesture of disbelief. I couldn't do anything but shake my head in outrage.
"Then leave! Go! No one's stopping you, Carlisle. I'm through trying to convince you." I turned to head back down the rafter, to the door.
"I followed you," he blurted out.
"You followed me?" I said. "Why! Why even bother?"
"You were talking to the nurse. I saw the look on your face, Edward. I can't explain it. I couldn't hear the conversation, but I saw something in your eyes. It was as if they broke. I knew that look. I'd seen it too many times not to recognize it. So, I followed you from the shadows."
"Whatever, Carlisle. It's not enough you came back." My back was still turned to him, but I hadn't moved any further down the rafter. I heard Esme on the stairwell below. She was listening. Her protectiveness over me kept her hidden below, willing to step in if necessary. She wouldn't let him hurt me again. From what I could tell, Carlisle did not know she was there.
"I saw your wall," he said.
I closed my eyes, letting out a staggered breath, but my body stayed still.
"I watched you at the wall. I understand. I do. I understand more than you realize." He had moved from his perch on the rafter above, placing his hand on my head. "Sorry is not even near enough for me to express my sorrow, Edward." He sighed, trying to decide how to continue. "It was her name that brought me back." He let the words hang in the air for a moment.
"She was right. You are not a monster, Edward. You have a soul, and Bella knew yours was good, and kind, and beautiful, just as I always knew. I'm the monster. What I did to you and the others, to Esme. If I had lost her…" He choked on his words, bending down with his head in his hands. "What have I done?" he asked, looking up to the sky, like he was questioning a higher being.
"You were so right. I didn't lose Esme , my soul. She's alive and I am so very, very lucky. She's my home, my everything. She's my humanity. Just as each and every one of you are. I'll spend a lifetime trying to make up for what I've done. But I won't leave. I won't ever leave her again, or any of you. I don't know who I am without all of you. You're my family."
I still hadn't turned around to face him. Forgiveness wasn't that simple. His words at the hospital continued to play through my head. 'I'm not your father.' As deep as those words had hurt, he was the only father I knew. I didn't remember my human father, they were fleeting human memories. The past ninety years were prevalent; they were the ones that I remembered. His appraisal still mattered the most to me.
"Are you angry with what I did?" I asked.
"No. How could I be?" He touched my shoulder, causing me to finally turn around to face him.
I wanted his approval, his love. I needed it, I realized. I jumped down from the rafter, looking at him, and silently asking him to follow me. I wanted him to see what I did when I looked at the wall. I believed him when he said he wasn't angry, but it wasn't enough to hear the words. I needed him to feel it too.
He knew where I was taking him. We walked in silence at first, until eventually he had gathered enough courage to speak.
"I saw you take the humans. I didn't understand what could have possibly caused you to do that, to change like that. I thought it was because of the other young girl, but it didn't seem right. So I took a closer look." We were in front of the wall now. "It's pretty impressive."
I nodded, without looking at him or it. "I walked by here everyday on my way to see you."
"I have never been a God fearing man, but I always believed in God without a shadow of a doubt. But then this happened. All because of me. I couldn't decide if he didn't exist, or if this was my punishment for taking what wasn't mine to take. You, Esme, Rosalie … Emmett, I stole you from Him. This is how I thought he was punishing me. The blood was on my hands for playing God. It was too much to take. It was easier to believe he didn't exist. Because the God I believed in would never have been this cruel.
"You are so good and pure, Edward, but he took something so precious from you, and I couldn't understand why."
"I'm not though," I disagreed with him. "I was arrogant. I was never supposed to love her."
"Maybe. Maybe not. But it doesn't matter, because you did. And she loved you. It existed, it was alive. That is what this," he motioned to the wall, "showed me. I thought there was no purpose to our lives. I was wrong. I lost my meaning for existing. I exist for all of you, not for God." He traced the words Know God. "There are profound consequences that are wrapped within our actions, but they are not a punishment from God. Virtue has its rewards, and my reward was each and every one of you. That is a matter of faith for me." He finished tracing Know Peace before he dropped his hand.
"If you want to be with Bella again, you will be, because you're a virtuous man, Edward. God, will grace you with this."
I wanted to believe his words more than anything. I missed his wisdom. I missed his compassion and his strength, but my pride was wounded, and it was hard to listen and accept what he was saying.
I heard Esme around the corner. Her heart was breaking as she listened to our conversation. I knew she had followed us, and I was glad she had. She needed to hear the honesty in our conversation. Carlisle loved her deeply, there was no denying that, but it would be up to her to say if it was enough.
"I have to go," I said. "Emmett and Alice need my help with Jasper."
He looked at me curiously, wondering how I knew this.
"Esme," I said, nodding my head in the direction behind him. She had stepped away from the side of the building revealing herself. She had been downwind of us, so he hadn't noticed she was there.
"Of course." He bowed his head. "Where does this leave us?"
"I don't know, to be honest. You weren't here. I needed you, and you weren't here." I looked at my feet, shoving my hands in my pockets.
His mind was quiet, sad. He didn't want to push me, and he was willing to take anything that I would give him. The hardest part was accepting that Carlisle was just like any other man. All my life, I held him with such reverence, and I realized it hadn't been fair. I idolized the man, almost as a saint when he was far from it. He was just a man who was capable of making mistakes like any other. I wasn't sure if I was ready to forgive him though. Forgiveness was such a controlling emotion. It held so much power over someone. Forgiveness was divine, something I wasn't prepared for.
From where I was standing, I could see my wall from my peripheral. My eye caught one word in particular that was written almost parallel to where we were standing. I turned to look at the whole sentence, and couldn't help but chuckle while I shook my head in disbelief.
Without forgiveness, there's no future.
Whether it was divine intervention or just coincidence, I couldn't ignore it. Forgiveness was the key for any of us, especially for myself. Once again, my wall provided me with the path it wanted me to follow. When the road had gotten so dark and I didn't know what direction to take, there was something guiding me, letting me know I wasn't alone. Carlisle had lost his way. His sadness had taken hold of him, and he had forgotten all that was good and meaningful in his life. He had fallen, and he stood before me so humbled.
I needed to look in his eyes, but I was afraid of what I would see. If the man I called my father was gone, I didn't know if I my spirit could handle much more. I could say I would forgive him, but if he was no longer the man I knew and loved, there wasn't much point. I took a deep breath, letting it all out before I raised my head to look in his eyes. I smiled. He was there, hidden away behind a mask of emotion, but he was there. It was a start.
"I have to go," I said again, turning back to Esme. "We're moving Jasper to the cache where the vehicles are."
"Will she talk to me?" he asked.
"You'd have to ask her. Emmett was right. This is her decision," I said reluctantly. I would follow Esme's decision, whatever she chose to do. Carlisle inflicted a wound that was still pretty raw. I would work on the forgiveness, but it was still going to take time.
Esme had heard our interaction, and started to walk toward us.
"Esme, will you speak with me?" Carlisle asked politely, almost as if he were courting her again.
She bit her lip, trying to decide. She was wavering in her decision, but with one final look at me she said, "Jasper needs to be moved. We can't wait any longer."
"Please," he said softly.
"We have to move him," she said again. "It's a difficult trek. We don't have the time to spare."
He looked at me and then back at Esme. "I'll get you there."
"I'm not leaving her behind, Carlisle," I started to protest.
"I promise you both," he said with such determination. "Whether you still want me or not, Esme, I will get you to the cache by the time they're ready to leave."
I debated the idea in my head, waiting for Esme to make the decision.
"Please." He said it so quietly, desperate, yet timid, but his mind was quite the contrast. He was anxiously clinging to his very last heartstring. If she denied him his chance, he would surely crumble. I wasn't sure I could stand idly by and let her turn her back on him. He was a mess, but I knew she could see that.
Esme pulled me into a fierce hug. Go. Get them to the cache. I'll be right behind you.
I pulled away from her, making sure this is what she wanted and that she wasn't being forced into it. She nodded her head, telling me she was all right.
"I'm holding you to this," I said to Carlisle, pointing at him.
I won't let you down. Not this time, he assured me.
I said one last farewell to my wall, pressing my fingers to my lips and briefly touched Bella's name. This was the last time I would see it. I took a mental picture of it, knowing it would stay with me always, even the vulgar graffiti, for it, too, was a part of me now.
.
EMMETT WAS NOT IMPRESSED I had chosen to leave Esme with Carlisle, even though I argued it was her decision, not mine. He was furious and sulking as we packed up all of the belongings we would be able to take now that we were down one more person.
"So … what? Are you two just going to forgive him?" he asked, his voice a little indignant.
"Emmett, it's more complicated than that. He deserves our forgiveness. But to answer your question, no, I haven't forgiven him, yet. He's a part of this family, and that will never change. He made us who we are, body and spirit."
"Whatever, man." He waved his hand, shaking his head at me. "I just can't believe you'd be so easy on him."
"I'm not, but he's had his own hardships. You know Carlisle takes the weight of the world on his shoulders. He doesn't deserve that." I ended the conversation. Emmett was not in the right frame of mind to have this discussion, and Jasper's emotions did nothing to help either of us.
The journey to the cache took a lot longer than what we had anticipated. The city was on fire again. It seemed the looters were back and creating more chaos everywhere. Thankfully, dusk was coming and we could avoid the humans a lot easier in the shadows of the night. Rosalie had made something similar to a travois for each of us. Alice carried Jasper in hers; it was just easier to not have to touch him. The rest of us were loaded down with absolutely everything that would be useful. The cache had its own supplies, but we wanted to be sure, and there was no point in wasting anything.
Hours later, we eventually saw the hidden entrance. There was no sign of Carlisle or Esme. I had my faith in Carlisle, it wasn't fully restored, but he would bring her here. In my heart, I knew Esme would want Carlisle with us. Not because she had forgiven him, but because she would never make any of us choose between them. We would stand by her and any decision she made, but she would never let her pride deny us Carlisle's love. It wasn't who she was.
Emmett offered his Jeep to Alice and Jasper. He said it would be much more comfortable than any of the other vehicles. He placed Jasper gently inside, while we continued to rush around packing the equipment and the supplies in the rest of the vehicles.
We took the bare minimum of what we needed storing the rest in the cache. We had other places all over the country to stock up. The idea of traveling along the highways with all these supplies was daunting. We had no idea what to expect, or if we would even be able to drive on the roads. If Chicago was any indication, it wasn't going to be easy. The roads would be impassable, and that meant the fuel truck was going to be an issue. We would definitely be a large target for any marauders like the ones that attacked the hospital. We could fight them off, but at what cost? Death was inevitable in this new world, but hopefully we would not have to be a part of it again.
Jasper was better. We could all feel it. Just being this far out of the city had helped, and with the fresh blood flowing through his veins he could actually sit up for the first time in a long time. He was lucid and was talking to me. He wanted to make sure I had everything he needed. Computers, circuit boards, radios were all amongst his list, but most importantly he wanted his books.
We had finished loading the vehicles, just as I heard Esme and Carlisle in my head. Relief washed over each of us as I relayed the news to the others. Rosalie was a bit smug, while Emmett still showed his irritation about the idea of Carlisle coming with us. Emmett was loyal to a fault, and he felt Carlisle betrayed us. He would not easily accept him back into our lives, and he was annoyed that Rosalie had.
Esme rushed forward hugging each of us letting us know how worried she had been. I noticed the distance Carlisle and Esme kept, but her thoughts were full of hope now that we were all together. I would never know what they discussed, it was theirs to keep. I respected their privacy by not asking, and not looking for it in their thoughts. She was just as resolved to forgive Carlisle as I was, because it was the right thing to do. We had all done things we weren't proud of. But like me, it was going to take time. She knew the six of us didn't work without him. She would swallow her pride and try and rebuild what they had. Neither one of them would ever take for granted what they had. They only had to look at me, to shame them into the realization that love was precious and so very fragile.
"We're all packed. We were just waiting for you," I said, as I put my arm around Esme. I was unable to meet Carlisle's eyes again.
"Is he coming?" Emmett pointed to Carlisle, a hint of distaste in his voice.
Esme only nodded her head in response. No one said anything else. No exclamations of joy or relief, we just accepted that it was right without drawing attention to Esme's decision. The silence was a little awkward, so Alice felt the need to fill the void.
"So, where are we going? Alaska?" she asked.
"No!" Emmett and Jasper said in unison as the rest of the family looked on with curious expressions. I started to protest, but Emmett cut me off.
"Edward, we're going to Phoenix. Like I promised," Emmett said resolutely.
"I agree," Carlisle said.
"Yeah? Well, no one asked you," Emmett said, walking past him as he closed the door to the cache, sealing it tight.
"Emmett," Rosalie said softly, reaching out to him, but he shrugged her off.
"We've managed just fine without you for weeks. You have any other advice?" He looked at Carlisle. "Rules?"
"Yes," he said squaring his shoulders to meet Emmett head on.
A small part of me was elated to see Carlisle standing up for himself, standing up to Emmett. I knew this was a test of sorts to Emmett. He would push Carlisle to see if he was still up to the task of being a leader. A leader who deserved following again.
"From now on, we have one rule," Carlisle said, his voice commanding respect. "We never separate."
Emmett returned Carlisle's glare, and we all held our breaths waiting for his response. His mouth cracked into a smirk. "I can live with that, but you're not riding with me." He brushed past Carlisle's shoulder, heading for the fuel truck.
Carlisle looked over at Esme. He was hoping they would ride together. His hopes were dashed as she turned and walked toward the Humvee I had claimed as my own.
I'll be riding with you, she said in her thoughts.
Rosalie tugged on Carlisle's arm. "You'll ride with me," she said moving them toward the other Humvee.
I looked back to see the hurt in Carlisle's eyes at Esme's rejection. He had a long road ahead of him, we all did. It had been over two months since the bombs dropped. I don't think any of us could even speculate as to what we would be facing, but we were leaving behind a dark and agonizing part of our history. Our family had been tested. We were broken, but we were together. We had no idea what the future held for us, but all we could do was face it day by day.
The world had changed, and we had changed with it. Each one of us was on our own journey, yet we were connected. Carlisle and Esme were on a tentative path to forgiveness. Rosalie and Emmett's path led to acceptance, while Jasper and Alice were on a path of recovering. We were all intertwined. We all had much to forgive, to accept and to heal. As for me, I was the only one on a journey to redemption. I would be with Bella again, but first I needed to be worthy of her. I would see my family, safe and whole, and happy. My love for them would be their salvation, just as Bella's love was my salvation. I would do everything for her … to be with her again.
2016 -:- Present Day
Ten years and my family was healed and happy more than I thought was possible. That part of my journey was complete. It was time to start thinking about what was next. Until we heard from Jasper, it was just a waiting game.
Rosalie and I had just arrived back to the house from our patrol. For the past seventy-two hours, everyone had been patrolling as far as we could, hoping to come across Jasper's trail. We had nothing else to go by. Alice hadn't had another vision since the night of the festival. Carlisle was certain she was emotionally charged, and this was the reason for the breakthrough. No matter what we tried, we couldn't emulate what we both had been feeling in that instance. I hadn't spoken to anyone about my reaction at the memorial. Our first concern was Jasper, and I think my family was giving me the space I needed, so they left me alone.
My absurd reaction at the memorial had many people speculating that I wasn't balanced, and with Alice's convulsions, they thought I had seriously harmed her. Alice was so beloved, people were ready to lynch me. Charlie and Sam had to calm the mob, while the rest of us tried to make our exit. Realizing Alice had a vision, the wolves had been surprisingly helpful, including Jacob. They cleared a path for us as Carlisle carried Alice to one of the vehicles. My legs were still a little weak, so Emmett let me bear most of my weight on him.
Alice and I were separated between the two vehicles, I wasn't sure if it was on purpose or not. I was seething from what she had done. The vision suppressed my anger for the moment, but it was still there. I traveled with Emmett and Rosalie, while Alice was with Esme and Carlisle. I sat in the back seat, my hands clenched in my hair, as Rosalie demanded answers I couldn't give.
"I don't know, Rosalie!" I yelled for the last time. I was exasperated. She kept asking the same questions over and over. 'What did I see?' 'Why did I freak out?' 'What's happening?'
"Rose, let him be," Emmett finally said. "Let's wait until we're back at the house."
I could hear the same questions being asked in the other vehicle by Esme, and Alice was answering much like I was. Neither one of us wanted to admit what we thought we had seen. We needed to be absolutely sure what we saw was real. Everything happened so fast when the vision hit, we didn't even have time to consult with one another. I had called out for Carlisle, not even realizing he was already at our sides. As soon as we hit the floor, he immediately recognized the signs of one of her visions. He grabbed Alice from my arms, and moved toward Charlie, briefly explaining what happened, and asked for his help to get us all out of there.
I never imagined her visions would come back with the kind of impact this one had. It had been painful for me, so I could only imagine how it was for her. I was so used to the 'wall' that had been built up in her mind, always so cloudy, and dark. The vision hit with such force, it was like being locked away in a windowless room for years, and then someone opening the door to the bright, intense sunlight outside. It burned, from the inside out. Combine that pain with the image of seeing Jasper running with terror rippling across his face, and it was enough to bring the both of us to our knees.
We discussed the repercussions of the vision for hours, well into the early morning. Until eventually, Tanya and her family had made it home, and then we had to start the discussion all over again. They had stayed behind at the compound to help clean up, and to try and diffuse the situation, dispel any rumors that had already started to spread throughout the compound. The day had been such a huge success, and between Tanya's family, Charlie's family and the wolves, they did their best to try and change the focus and remind people of this fact. Ultimately, as the night wore on, people's conversations had moved on from the earlier spectacle. The celebrations continued well after our departure. It was agreed by all that I should probably refrain from future visits to the compound, at least for a few more weeks until the accusations died down. This was possibly the best news Carlisle had shared with me. I was more than happy to not have to go back. Three days later, and my actions were still being discussed at the compound, under the guise of concern for Alice.
Rosalie and I were the first ones back to the house from the morning patrol. Esme had stayed behind with Alice. Someone always had to be close by her, in the event she had another vision. I walked toward the living room, noticing Esme standing at the window. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her torso, and the look on her face was heartbreaking. It had been years since I'd seen this expression. It was filled with such sorrow and turmoil. Her thoughts were centered around me and where she had gone wrong in the last ten years. She blamed herself for how distant I had become with the family. She didn't know I was standing in the doorway, so her thoughts were surprisingly unfiltered. My reaction at the memorial was playing over in her head.
I had refused to talk to anyone about that night. Three days had gone by, and I had spent most of my time running. I used the excuse of trying to find Jasper's trail, but even I knew I was running from something else. I suppose that's why I reserved my patrol time with either Rosalie or Emmett. Neither of them brought up anything I didn't bring up first. It was easy with them, not like the rest of my family.
Watching Esme's expression in the reflection of the window caused a twinge of remorse. She only wanted to help. Her intentions were based on love, and I didn't feel I could deny her anymore. I cleared my throat, letting her know I was there.
She turned slowly, the sadness in her eyes apparent. We stood across from each other, the span of the room separating us far more than she cared for. I moved toward her, and immediately her arms opened for me. She embraced me, only as a mother could. Edward, I'm so sorry. She held me for a few minutes, and I took in every second of it. No one had touched me like this in a long time. I had never let them. But the last few weeks, or even years, had kind of caught up to me. I needed this. I needed the feel of this touch.
She broke our embrace, and led me over to the couch. "I need your forgiveness," she choked out. She was unable to look at me and stared at our intertwined hands instead. I started to protest, but she cut me off. "Please don't say, 'there is nothing to forgive,' Edward. I couldn't bear it. There is everything to forgive. I have been pushing you and pushing you, and I knew you weren't ready. I knew you would never be ready. But the alternative," she finally raised her head to look at me, "I just didn't want to accept it. My eyes were finally opened at the festival. I've been so selfish. What you did for me, for all of us. You've sacrificed so much, for us. For her.
"Please don't be mad, but Carlisle shared the talk you had with him and the reasons for wanting to leave us." Her face crumbled, as she raised a hand to my cheek. "You are so very special, Edward. Wherever she is, she's watching and she's waiting. You deserve her. You deserve that kind of love. I only knew her for a very short time, but I believe she's still yours no matter where she is."
I leaned into her hand, while I moved a piece of her hair behind her ear, resting my hand on her neck. "Esme …"
"I need you to forgive me." She started to sob. "I've been so unfair to you. You're my son, and I don't want to let you go, but I understand now."
"Shh …shhh, Esme. It's okay."
"I'll support you in whatever you decide. I'll help you be with her again. If this will bring you peace. I want you to find her, because if you're in this kind of pain, she is too. And she's alone. The only one of us who's alone! Bella will always be my daughter because of you, and she needs you."
I pulled her to me, and she cried as only a vampire could for Bella. After ten years of holding in her grief, she finally let it out. We had been living such an empty life for the past decade. It took this place of memories and love to let us see that we hadn't really been living at all. We could finally be ourselves in this house and let down the armor we had all built up over the years.
There was a small, timid knock on the door frame.
"Am I interrupting?" Alice and her sad little pout were standing in the hallway. She was hesitant to approach us, but she was hoping she could join us in our conversation. We hadn't spoken about what she did with the Lullaby. After everything that went down between then and now, I had nothing to say. I wanted nothing to do with her.
Esme started to rise. "I'll leave you two."
"No," Alice and I said together.
"I'd rather you stayed, please," I finished. "Alice and I have nothing to discuss."
"Edward," Esme said sadly.
"I'm tired of everyone thinking they know what's best for me, and she went too far this time."
"Her intentions were good," Esme tried to reason with me.
"I don't care if they were. She had no right to do what she did. That was mine." My anger had started to rise. "How could you possibly think it was okay?" I glared at Alice, my disgust radiating off of me.
She swiftly walked toward Esme and I, kneeling in front of us. "Edward, it was wrong of me. But please know that I never meant to hurt you," she pleaded reaching for my hand.
I backed away from her touch. "You did though, Alice."
"I know." She placed her hands in her lap, saddened by my rebuff. "I was just tired of what everyone was saying," she said quietly.
"What do you mean?" I said, giving her the benefit of the doubt.
"I wanted everyone to see what she meant to you. I didn't know I was going to play it." I couldn't help but scoff, Alice always had everything planned.
"I didn't." She shook her head. "I brought it with us, knowing it was going to be a difficult night for you. I was going to give it to you if you needed it, you know, for some comfort. Maybe you'd need to hear it, but in private."
"That doesn't explain why you chose to broadcast it," I said dryly, not giving in so easily.
"I know! I shouldn't have. It's just … when they gave me that necklace, it meant so much to me that they'd acknowledged what I have with Jasper. I've heard the whispers, Edward." She reached for my hand again, not giving in to my flinching and grasped it tightly. "I wanted them to see what you and Bella had was more than just some high school crush. They don't know. Playing that Lullaby would prove that. Show the depths of your love for her. I wanted them to know!" She placed her head in my lap and let out a deep sigh. "It was wrong."
I sighed along with her. "Alice," I said rubbing my hand over her hair, "I don't care what the people of Forks and La Push think of me. I don't care if they think I'm pathetic for some 'high school crush' from long ago. I've heard what they think. They think it every time I'm with Charlie. But I've never cared."
"I know. But Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton made me so angry that night! You don't know what they were saying. I wanted to shove it down their throats," she growled and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"Believe me, I've heard them." I lifted her chin up to look at me. "I don't need you to be my rally girl. Okay? Sometimes, you don't know what's best even if your intentions are from the heart."
"Well, if I had my visions, I would have seen that!"
"Yes, and you probably would have done something else just as meddling." I laughed at her, while she did her standard little pout. "The thing is, only one person truly understood the depths of what Bella and I had, and she's been gone for ten years. Even I didn't see it, or I never would have left," I said, my heart breaking even a little more. "I don't want that song to be associated with death. Can you understand that?"
She launched herself into my arms. I'm so sorry. "I wanted to believe she would have heard it too. That's all I wanted. Forgive me, you have to."
"Oh, God, what is with all this forgiveness? First, Esme, now you, Alice? Edward is not the Pope," Rosalie scoffed, rolling her eyes as she walked in the room and sat down across from us.
"Rosalie!" Esme gasped.
"He's not a saint!"
"Ro—" Alice started.
"It's okay, she's right. Thanks, Rosalie, as honest as ever, I see," I said.
"What?" She raised her hands, shrugging her shoulders. "Edward, you agreed to go through with the memorial. If you weren't ready, you shouldn't have said yes."
"It's what Charlie wanted," I said.
"Well, stop doing things for people just because they want you to. It's simple." She flicked her hand out, examining her nails.
"It's not simple, Rosalie."
"Yes. It. Is. Do you think I do anything I don't want to do?" She leaned forward resting her hands on her knees. "The question is, what do you want, Edward? What do you want to do?"
That was the ultimate question. I leaned back, placing Alice beside me on the couch. Looking up to the ceiling, I thought back to how I was feeling right before the memorial started. The panic I felt. It was wrong, all of it.
"I don't want to go through with it. I don't want to say goodbye," I said quietly, looking at my hands.
"Why," Rosalie said, more of a statement than a question.
I searched every thought, every feeling I had that night. In that brief moment before the Lullaby started to play, the only thing I kept feeling was that it was wrong to say goodbye.
"If I say goodbye, I'll lose that part of her I carry with me." I leaned forward just slightly closer to Rosalie. "She's here," I placed a hand over my heart, "and if I let her go, I don't think I'll be able to go on."
I sat in silence, with the women in my life. Each one of them was so different, but together, they created such a balance. Esme and her motherly love, always ready with her kind words. Alice with her fierce need to protect me and thinking she knew what was best, as only a sister could. Then there was Rosalie, who never felt the need to mollycoddle, and continually brought me back to face my own realities. These three women loved me unconditionally, there was never any doubt. Sitting here with them and their combined personalities, it was impossible not to want to share all my fears, all of my hopes.
"It's not fair," I whispered, my breath catching on the words. The three of them held their breaths, waiting for me to continue. "I wanted it all. If I can't have it all, I want nothing." I looked down at my hands, and immediately all three of them, placed their hands in my own.
"Oh, Edward." Esme said, leaning her head on my shoulder.
"What do you want, Edward," Rosalie said again. "Tell us." She was prompting me to finally say it out loud to the three of them, but I wasn't sure if it was still what I wanted. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to live a life with love. It was not 'better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.' What had I done to deserve this, to be punished like this? Why couldn't I have what they had? I was the only one denied it. It wasn't fair. For the last ten years I've believed I knew exactly what I was doing. But now, I wasn't sure. If I ended my life, what if she wasn't there? What if it wasn't enough? I would be destined to live in purgatory alone without even my family. I didn't think I deserved that, at least I hoped I didn't.
"I don't know anymore. I thought I did. I thought I wanted to die, but I'm afraid," I confessed to them. I never would have admitted this to Emmett, or Carlisle, only to them. "For the past ten years, I've had a purpose. I've been trying to redeem myself, thinking that Bella will be waiting for me, but now I'm not so sure. What if it wasn't enough? I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of losing her all over again."
"Why would you think that?" Alice asked.
"I really don't know," I said, tearing my hands away from theirs, so I could run them through my hair, trying to calm my nerves. "It was just a combination of things the night of the festival. I didn't want to say goodbye, and it was like this over-whelming pressure came over me, telling me it was wrong, that if I did, I would lose her forever. I didn't want to let her go. If I plan on ending my life, I want to end it with this feeling I have been holding on to. For the first time in a long time, I questioned ending my existence." I could see the excitement in their thoughts, but none of them voiced them. "If, and I mean if, I decide to …" I struggled for the right words, "… 'stick around' a little longer, I want to keep this with me." I placed my hand to my heart again.
"Okay, then. No more memorials for you." Rosalie smiled. "I'll make sure of that. Simple enough. What else?"
She was expecting a laundry list, and I didn't really have one, but I did have a few things that the three of them needed to know. "I need you three to stop pushing me." Rosalie started to protest. "Okay, Rosalie, I didn't mean you, I meant more Alice and Esme." I smiled genuinely at both of them. "Tanya and I talked the night of the festival. She shared a piece of her past that none of us really knew. She didn't change my mind, she just gave me something to think about." Alice had a big grin on her face. "That's the other thing. I know you mean well, but no more feelings about 'girls knocking me on my ass,' and no more 'helping me find someone.' Okay?" I looked at them, my eyebrows raised in question. "It will never happen. For whatever time I have left on this earth, my whole being will always belong to Bella."
"Sweetheart, you know I wasn't ready to let you go. I want you to be happy. I just hope we're enough for you."
"I know, Esme. I'm going to work on it. I'm just as confused as the rest of you."
"I'm only saying this once," Alice piped in, "but I stand by my earlier 'feeling.' I don't know how or why I know this, but it is coming."
I gave her a warning look, and she shrugged her shoulders holding up her hands in defense. I won't say it ever again! She pretended to lock her lips, and threw the imaginary key over her shoulder.
"This development with Jasper, I'm going to put off making any decisions for now. We need to find him, that's the priority." Both Alice and I started thinking about the vision again. We had been playing it over and over in our heads for the past three days. There was something that was bugging me about it, and I couldn't put my finger on it.
"Is everyone out of the house right now? Is it just the four of us here?" Rosalie asked.
"Yes. Tanya and her family went to scout the South today, they should be back early tomorrow," Esme answered. "Carlisle and Emmett are at the compound helping with the final clean up."
Rosalie and Esme continued to talk about things at the compound, and the festival, while Alice and I were caught up in our own silent talk. She was throwing out the images that we had shared. Jasper running. He was barefoot and in the same clothes he had left the house in over three months ago. We saw only snippets as he ran through what could have been anywhere. The landscape of the country had changed so drastically over the last ten years, it was impossible to tell where he was. The look of resolve with a bit of terror on his face, led us to believe he was being chased. We couldn't be certain, but it didn't seem like he was doing the chasing. The only other image we had to go on was a quick flash of another vampire. He was a tall vampire, dressed in an old ragged military-style jacket. His eyes were ruby red and he had long sandy colored hair tied back in a ponytail. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had seen him before, I just didn't know where.
"We'll find him, Alice," I whispered, leaning over and gently squeezing her knee. "I'm sorry for hurting you the other night."
"I deserved it, and you didn't hurt me as much as I hurt you."
"Ugh," Rosalie grunted. "We're not going back to this are we? You're sorry," she pointed to Alice, "he's sorry, and Esme's sorry. Done. Let's move on."
In one quick movement, I leaned forward grabbing her arm and pulling her on to the couch with the three of us. I hugged all three of them, laughing and telling them how I much I loved them, even Rosalie.
.
A WEEK HAD GONE by, and still no more visions. Alice and I would spend hours upon hours trying to push her to see something else. We tried yelling and screaming. Wrestling and running, but nothing seemed to make the visions come back. We speculated with Carlisle that it must have been something on both ends. Jasper must have been in an extreme emotional state, as was Alice and somehow they connected. But these were just theories, and we were all getting tired of theories. We had pushed our patrols out well beyond the Washington border, and even the wolves were helping in the search.
Jacob had agreed to have them patrol the North, while we stayed South. The wolves were happy to help for the most part. They liked the idea of having a purpose again, plus they were just as curious about the news of the red-eyed vampire in Alice's vision.
Charlie and Seth had come to visit a few times, hoping to help in any way they could. It was getting more and more difficult to keep up the secrets, especially with Seth. With Jacob and the rest of his pack helping us out, Seth felt betrayed when we had to tell him we didn't need his help. We could only tell him and Charlie so much, and picking up the trail of a vampire on foot was definitely not on that list.
We were tired of sitting idly by and collectively decided as a family that Emmett, Alice, Eleazar, Kate and I would travel to the far South. Seth was devastated when we told him he couldn't come with us. It troubled me to have to keep all this from him, but it couldn't be helped. His heart was so pure, he just wanted to help. Emmett and I had to be firm with him the day before we had planned on leaving.
Seth and Charlie had just left the house. It was early afternoon when Emmett and I decided to get in one last hunting run before we needed to leave.
"That kid's going to be trouble," Emmett said as we ran at a quick but steady pace returning to the house.
"Seth? Yeah. He's starting to ask questions. We're going to have to make a decision soon. Not to mention Charlie, too. I don't think we can keep much from them any longer, neither can Jacob," I said admitting what he already knew.
"How do you think they'll take it?"
"Not sure about Charlie. Seth will probably be more open to the truth, having grown up with the legends. But Charlie…" I wondered whether he would be so open to the idea that he had let twelve blood-drinking vampires in the compound he had fought so hard to keep together and protected. "It won't be easy, no matter how we lessen the blow, that's for sure."
We were backtracking down the valley when we came across a familiar scent. Immediately, we both sported huge face splitting grins, knowing exactly whose scent it was.
"He's back!" Emmett said, and took off running down the valley. It took me a second or two to register that he was no longer by my side, but I caught up to him quick enough. Our spirits were high as we chased each other back to the house. Emmett couldn't keep up to me, so I slowed my pace enough so we ran side by side. We laughed and joked along the way, relieved our brother was finally back.
Emmett let out a loud holler as we crashed through the front door unable to contain our excitement any longer. He was slightly ahead of me as we rounded the corner to the living room. He stopped in his tracks causing me to crash into the back of him.
"Emm—" my voice faltered as I finally registered what was happening in the house. The entire family was gathered in the living room, huddled around the couch in the far corner … huddled around someone. There were quiet sobs coming from Esme and Carmen, while the others were just a mix of emotions and thoughts. Relief, flooded my body, and mind. The room was filled with it.
Our interruption caused a small part in the crowd, as Kate, Irina and Tanya stepped back allowing Emmett and I the opportunity to see who it was.
"Whoa…" Emmett exclaimed. "What happened to you?"
Jasper was sitting on the couch, Esme on one side of him, while Alice was on the other desperately clinging to him. Rosalie and Carmen were doing their best to console them. Carlisle was kneeling in front of Jasper, and he was … examining him? Yes. From Carlisle's thoughts, I saw he was examining a new silver half-moon scar that ran just below Jasper's left eye. It was close enough that it could have caused permanent damage. Carlisle was making sure it hadn't. He was also certain that this was just one of many new battle scars that covered Jasper's body, even though he hadn't shared that bit of information with anyone.
Jasper's clothes were tattered and torn, and his skin was covered in dried dirt, and blood. I could smell it all the way from the doorway where I was standing. There were other foul stenches coming from him. Foreign smells of decay and venom that were all mingled together, blending into the other. It was a horrible, uncomfortable smell, and each of us tried our best to mask our disgust.
He looked so exhausted and haggard. I tried to focus on him, to find out what he was thinking, how he was doing, but he was thinking of random song lyrics. I narrowed my eyes, concentrating harder, hoping to penetrate enough to get something to tell me what had happened. His head snapped in my direction, and the first thing I noticed were his eyes. They were still a mirror of our own, amber in color, and I let out a small sigh of relief. He was calm. His thoughts narrowed in on Alice, so I let him have his privacy.
Emmett moved across the room, gathering Rosalie into his arms as we waited for Carlisle to finish. I sat on the other couch next to Tanya and Kate. Everyone else settled in and waited in silence.
"It came close, son," Carlisle said, with trepidation in his voice. He smoothed his thumb over Jasper's cheek.
Jasper made a non-committal response, it was guttural almost. Carlisle glanced down at Jasper's feet which were bare, and all of our eyes followed. The room filled with tiny gasps of exclamation, as we all realized what Carlisle was looking at. Jasper was missing two of his toes, one on each foot, like someone had deliberately removed them.
"What the hell happened?" Emmett said again, breaking the silence in the room.
Carlisle stood up slowly, placing his hand on top of Jasper's messy hair, and with as much love and compassion he could muster through his anger, he tenderly said, "Start at the beginning, son."
"Carlisle, as much as we're all anxious to hear this, I think he should have a hot shower first," Esme disagreed. "He deserves that much, and he'll feel a little better cleaned up." The others started to nod in agreement wanting to make him comfortable.
"It's okay, Esme," Jasper's voice was rough and hardened. "I need to get this out, while I'm like this. It'll be easier this way. If I'm clean it'll be…" he trailed off with a distant look in his eyes.
"Yes, of course," Esme came to his rescue, "whatever you wish. You take as much time as you need."
He cleared his throat, hoping to give his voice the clarity it needed to continue. His thoughts were so guarded, like he was keeping something from me. I could only imagine the horrors he must have witnessed, and he was probably protecting me from having to experience them as well. I looked at him curiously. He met my eyes, but quickly looked away.
"It's worse than what we thought," he started, his eyes downcast from the rest of us. "It's Maria."
My eyes swept to Alice, and I saw her stiffen at her name. "Maria?" she asked fearfully.
"Who is Maria?" Eleazar asked. Carmen and Eleazar had not been around us long enough for Jasper to have shared his history with them over the years. It wasn't something he liked to talk about, and very rarely volunteered anything about her, or his time with her.
"She was my maker," Jasper explained. He continued to brief them in on their shared past, the battles, and wars fought in the South so many years ago along with the newborn army.
"Ay, mi amigo, you were a part of the Newborn Wars?" Eleazar said with astonishment in his voice. "All those years in the guard, and I never knew!"
"I fought alongside Maria for many years. We controlled one of the largest territories at the time, until I eventually left her." Jasper closed his eyes for a moment, trying to forget that time. "Maria is gathering another army. It's nothing like I've ever seen. It's not just the numbers, but it's her motivation. She's desperate to change the way of the world. Over and over she spoke of the 'time of the vampire.'" He opened his eyes, focusing on Carlisle.
"She took over a District. Her army fed on the old and weak and she kept the healthy humans. She keeps them as slaves. It looks relatively normal from the surface, like it's an actual functioning District. But underground…." He shook his head, and for a brief moment I saw in his head what he was talking about. It was a series of tunnels built within an existing cave system, each tunnel connecting to one common area. "The place is bigger than anything I've ever seen," he said with complete reverence, lost deep within the memories of the place. Again, his eyes snapped to me, and he immediately shut me out.
"She's always had a predilection toward humans with promise or potential, as she calls it. She weeds out the weak from the strong," he continued, then turned his attention to Emmett. "You know how you've always joked about how very 'Mad Max' the whole idea of the Ravagers is? Well, it's way 'Beyond the Thunderdome,' pardon my analogy, but it really is." He tried to laugh it off, but I could tell he had seen some atrocities that none of us could even imagine.
"She even has a dome-like structure deep within the underground. She's been pitting human against human. The one who shows potential lives for another day. The one who doesn't…" He paused for a second. "I always thought that human was probably the lucky one," he said to himself quietly, then looked up at the rest of us. "He or she is fed to the vampire who pleased Maria the most that day. It's a quick death … usually."
"And the other human? The one who is left to live?" Carlisle asked warily.
"She lets them live to fight again, until they prove their worth. If they do, she'll turn them. She's building an army of extreme survivors or fighters. But the thing is, it's not just one or two fights they have to endure, it's dozens upon dozens. It's all so violent, more violent and disturbing than I care to share." Again, he blocked his thoughts. I could only guess he was trying to spare me from experiencing the nightmare he had been living these past few months. I was rather grateful, I supposed.
"She drives them to the brink of insanity, Carlisle. I could feel their terror, and all I could do was watch and feel their horror as they slowly went mad." He put his head in his hands. Alice and Esme reached to touch him, but they stopped when he flinched away from them. "As you can imagine, most don't survive past two or three fights, but the ones that do, they are the Ravagers in the truest sense. Most of these men or woman have not been turned yet, but she has them lusting for blood even as humans. She's waiting to turn them once her army is ready. She has ranks and ranks of vampires. But these humans, she wants to keep them and have them fight as newborns, so their strength is at their maximum."
The sleeve of his shirt had risen up the length of his arm while he was bent over. Even from where I sat, I could see another fresh new scar. It should have been me.
"Why is she doing it?" I asked.
"Power. Greed. The same motivating factors she had all those years ago, but now she sees it as a global opportunity. She's not just fighting for territory; she's fighting for a new way of life. She sees the humans as cattle, nothing more. They're worth nothing to her. She wants to enslave them, farm them, all to feed her and her army."
"So what is she waiting for?" As usual, Carlisle asked all the pertinent questions. "It sounds like she's gathered quite a force. What's stopping her from attacking now?"
"Honestly? I think she's terrified. There is still a small part of her that believes the Volturi are alive. She's waiting for proof they're gone before she makes her move. Remember, Maria's a survivor first and foremost."
Carlisle stood up, pacing the room. He was turning different ideas over and over in his head. Utterly mortified with Jasper's account, Carlisle's first thoughts were of how this could unfold and the repercussions of Maria's ambitions. The world has been through enough. We cannot allow this to happen. After all these years, he still felt accountable. He voiced the rest of his thoughts out loud. "The Volturi are alive, I'm fairly certain of this. Aro never would have left himself vulnerable."
"I agree with you," Eleazar said. "We both know Aro and his brothers well enough to know they are survivors, too. I'm just not sure how they can help us. They are across the ocean. They might as well be dead to us."
"Regardless, this is bigger than the twelve of us can handle. We are going to need their help," Carlisle said. They owe this. They have to help, he added silently before continuing. "We just have to find a way to reach them, and find out how many of the guard survived. If I was a betting man, I would bet my life on the Volturi's survival and with their guard intact, as well."
After all these years, we still didn't know how Europe had faired. There were rumors, of course, that it was completely annihilated, there was nothing left. There was also talk of a great war happening on that side of the ocean. The truth was, no one knew. We had just assumed they were struggling much the same as North America was.
"Even if that's the case, Carlisle, what makes you think they'd come and help?" Emmett piped up. "They've got to be struggling with their own battles. Hell, they could be doing the same thing as Maria."
"It's possible, but the Volturi have survived centuries upon centuries," Eleazar said, shaking his head. "They've lived through all kinds of wars and famines and plagues. They will not look at this war as anything different than anything they have already endured. Their way of life is absolute."
"Well, there may be one other thing that will bring them around," Jasper finally spoke up again. This time he looked to Tanya, and her sisters. I saw a flash of what he was about to say. He swallowed before continuing. "Maria has created a few immortal children."
"No!" The three gasped in unison.
"There are only a handful of them. She uses them to lure people at other Districts to open up their gates. Usually under the pretences of a mother travelling alone with small children. It works every time. Once inside, well, you get the idea."
"But surely she could get in the Districts if she wanted to! What does she need the children for?" Irina's voice was strained as she comprehended what this new development meant.
"She says it's more fun this way, watching the humans trusting her, all because of the children."
We debated the idea of Maria using immortal children for some time. We knew that this would definitely be a driving force to bring the Volturi to us. The immortal children had left many deep scars in the vampire world. They were a curse, or a plague. They were taboo, and absolutely forbidden.
"Aro, Marcus and Caius will not stand by and allow her to create more immortal children," Carlisle said with certainty, and Eleazar agreed emphatically.
"Maria knows this, and this is why she waits. She's had her own scouts out looking for them, or word of them. So far, she's been unsuccessful. Although, a vampire appeared at the gates of the District not long ago, and he was rambling incoherently, almost as if he had gone mad. He spoke of twin vampires. One that breathed fire on him, while the other stole his body. He said this over and over again and his whole body screamed of fear. Maria had him destroyed, said he was weak, mad. I couldn't help but wonder what he meant by it. Now, when I think about it, it sounds like—"
"Alec and Jane," Carlisle whispered.
"Yes." Jasper nodded.
Most vampires knew the abilities of the Volturi guard. Alec and Jane were their most prized possessions. Jane could have the strongest of vampires screaming in agony as she burrowed into their brain, making them think they were burning from the inside out, while Alec could steal your body of all its senses and actually physically burn you without you even knowing it. They were indeed formidable, and were never far from Aro and his brothers.
"That's good news," Carlisle said smiling.
We all agreed, knowing that it was possible the Volturi were on this continent, or at least Jane and Alec were. That was one small bit of joy in what seemed like an endless tale of misery. Everyone was smiling, everyone but Jasper. His head was filled with numbers, as if he was counting, trying to distract his own thoughts. I knew the tactic well. My siblings had been using it for years when they wanted to keep me out of their heads. I concentrated on the other thoughts around the room, trying to give him space. He obviously wasn't ready to talk about it, so I was trying to respect his decisions. I was just so grateful to have him back, relatively in one piece, that I wasn't too concerned.
Carlisle and Eleazar were still in the corner of the room mulling over everything that Jasper had shared with us. They were particularly curious about the newborn vampires. Jasper hadn't really given too many details, and they wanted to know more.
"You say she plans on having all these newborn vampires?" Carlisle prompted. "How does she intend to control them once they are turned, if they are as savage as you say? Surely, she must understand that they'll be completely unpredictable and hostile."
Jasper closed his eyes, raising his hands to the back of his neck and carefully picked out his words before speaking aloud. "I don't know how to tell this part of the story," he said honestly. "I'm not sure how to start." He looked directly at me, pausing for a moment. "It's all very precarious, and it's extremely delicate."
"Take your time, sweetheart," Esme said rubbing his knee. "You're safe here, and we're not going anywhere."
Now I was even more confused. I didn't know how he was doing it, talking of one thing and thinking of another. He had so much more to share with us. His scars and how he managed to get away from Maria were just a few of the things. But this wasn't what he was referring to.
"Jasper, what are you not telling us?" I said. The lower base of my spine was tingling while he looked directly at me. There was tension in his face, and I felt it, but only for a moment before a wave of calm fell over the whole room. "What do you mean by delicate?"
"I'll continue with this part of the story, but I need everyone to stay with me, stay calm and not overreact." He looked around the room before his eyes fell directly on me. "Promise me."
We all agreed, and I felt the tingling in my spine spread further up, where it nestled just beneath my hairline.
"Maria had a gift as she calls it." He was extremely uncomfortable, and we could all feel the effects. He tried to calm himself again, and we felt that as well. He didn't continue right away, so Esme prompted him some more.
"A gift? What kind of gift?"
"She had a vampire in her midst with extraordinary abilities, more than any vampire I've ever seen. Maria's gift could control the newborns. I have seen this vampire in action. It's quite fascinating to watch actually. Not physically strong, in fact relatively weak for one of our kind. But this pet of Maria's doesn't feed as much as the others do, so I can only assume that's the reasoning for the physical weakness. Can't seem to stomach it, really, but the control even for a few short years is far beyond what Carlisle can do. It really is … fascinating," Jasper said again, but this time with such reverence. His thoughts were still extremely guarded though. "Truly … amazing … in every sense…" he said, trailing off.
"What do you mean he can control them? How?" Carlisle asked.
"It's a talent, like Edward's, Alice's or mine. I don't know how, but the newborns are kept in check, keeping them at bay, if you will. It's like a powerful blocking capability, like being masked in a cloak where no one can enter. And not just the mind, but the whole being."
I was getting a horrible foreboding feeling that I couldn't shake. Something was wrong. This was all so very, very wrong. It was as if my ears were ringing and it felt like the room's temperature had been raised significantly.
"What are you not telling us?" I asked desperately, my voice shaking. He must be the vampire I saw in Alice's vision. The one I couldn't place, I knew I had I seen him before. "Who is he? Do we know him?"
He glared at me from across the room, and the calm hit me again, but it did nothing to stay the feeling that was sweeping over me. "She has a few names. Most of the vampires call her 'Phoenix.'" I could tell he was desperately trying to control the emotions in the room, but my feelings grew stronger despite his efforts. The panic was building.
So wrong. Where was this feeling coming from?
"Phoenix, because that's where they found her." His eyes were drilling into mine, and I think for the first time in a century, I actually felt every hair on my body stand on end. What was that sound ringing in my ears? Nothing else existed, except the sound of the ocean in my ears. Everything was muffled and distant. I could swear my heart started beating, pounding in my chest, and my ears. I was nauseous, like my insides were coming apart and I needed to expel them. I felt myself gag, but managed to force it down by putting my head between my knees.
"No," I said, just above a whisper.
Yes, Jasper responded in his head, but I couldn't really comprehend anything his mind was trying to tell me. Not until he allowed me in to that part of his mind that he had been keeping locked from me this whole time.
And then everything became clear. Crystal clear. The betrayal I felt grew exponentially. The next thing I knew I was halfway across the room and held Jasper up against the wall by his shirt collar. Everyone in the room jumped to their feet, yelling out in alarm. Jasper didn't move. His eyes were filled with such sadness, while my whole body shook with rage at his deceit. Why was he doing this? She was dead. It wasn't possible what I saw in his head. It couldn't be possible. I would know. I would've known!
"Don't. Don't mess with me, " I pleaded. "Not you!" I cried out, shoving him against the wall again.
As I pressed my arm across his chest, it hit me like a sledgehammer. I smelled it interlaced within the filth and decay. The faint trace of freesias. That rush of a thousand heartbeats I was so familiar with did not compare to what my body was going through now. I was utterly and irrevocably crushed. I crumpled to the floor, with my head in my hands, my chest heaving as I tried to make sense of it all.
The room became very small all of a sudden. There were voices all around me as hands tried to grab me, lifting me up from the floor. It was all so suffocating, and even though I didn't need to breathe, I was choking for air. That foggy, hazy dream-like state came flooding back into my head. I had felt like this only one other time in my life, and I was not about to go down that road right now. I couldn't afford to.
I shoved everyone's hands away as I stood up, screaming out all of my frustrations of pain and anger. "Where is she?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. My throat burned from the intensity behind my words. "Where is she?" I grabbed him by the shirt collar again shoving him up against the wall. "You left her there?" My voice cracked as I looked intently at Jasper's scar under his left eye. He had only been there for a few months, and he looked like this. What did that mean for her?
Jasper's face fell at my accusation. His lip curled up in disgust that I would think of that of him. Of course not. She's hidden away.
"Where is she?" I cried out in panic this time, begging him.
Jasper just shook his head again.
I gave him one last shove, ignoring the confused protests of the rest of the family and before I knew it I was out the door running through the trees following Jasper's trail. I was like a man possessed, chasing a dream through the unknown abyss. For years, my life, my soul, was surrounded by a dark and infinite shadow. A light was finally shining in that deep void that had kept me company for all these years. That spark seemed to burst into flames, calling me to come explore the nothingness. I ran for miles and miles, not exactly sure where I was going, just knowing I had to keep moving. I feared the spark would extinguish again if I stopped.
I wasn't sure how far I had gotten, or how long Jasper had been trying to get my attention, but I eventually heard his voice in my head.
You'll never find her, Jasper thoughts invaded my own. I covered my tracks, I had to.
I stopped running, turning to look for him behind me. He was alone, and wasn't too far away, but he was still running to meet me. I charged down the mountain toward him, tackling him to the ground. The sound echoed through the valley like thunder when we collided. We tumbled down the slope for a few yards before coming to a stop.
"Tell me!" I yelled through clenched teeth, frustrated with him beyond all reason. I knew Jasper was right. I had no idea where I was going, and if he didn't want anyone to find his trail, they wouldn't.
Maria will be coming after her, and I covered my tracks to the house. I made sure if Maria was to follow my trail it would lead her here to us, rather than back to her.
"You left her alone?" I raged, still wondering if he could be telling the truth, or if this was some lie he had cleverly crafted.
She's not alone. I never would have left her if she wasn't protected. She insisted it had to be this way. She wouldn't come. She was too afraid of leading Maria here.
I scoffed at his words. It definitely sounded like her…
"Yes, she's still as stubborn as you, maybe worse," he said laughing a little. His hands were up in the air, while I knelt on his chest. He wasn't fighting me, and I knew he wouldn't even though part of me wanted him to. I felt him use his powers again, to try and diffuse my rage. I relaxed, but only slightly. "You going to let me up?" He smiled.
Immediately, he regretted trying to use humor to ease the tension. I glared down at him, not moving an inch, waiting for him to tell me what I wanted to hear.
"I'll take you to her," his voice was somber, "but you have to hear our story along the way."
-:- END OF PART I -:-