CHAPTER 23
-:- In the Midst of Life, We are in Death -:-
2016 -:- Present Day
"It's always been you."
The words were whispered, but they seemed to echo around the room, vibrating deep within me. It's always been you, she had said the words sighing and smiling sadly, because she was sad. I still knew her face, and at a time when we should have been rejoicing, neither of us could.
She dropped her hand from my cheek, and turned walking across the room away from me. The sound of her footsteps seemed to hammer home the notion that we were a long way from filling the emptiness that both of us were feeling. She was different, that was undeniable. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could still love her, but could she love me? Had I done enough?
These past ten years I had been doing everything to redeem myself for that judgment day I invariably knew I would be facing. And now that time had come. I was not going to be judged by whatever greater being was out there, but judged by her, and that thought terrified me more than facing Carlisle's God. There was so much to explain and so much I wanted to know from her, it all seemed too overwhelming to even start. I wanted to forget it all, just hold her, and wish it all away. A part of me thought it would have been easier if we had met in the afterlife. We could leave behind all the demons we'd both been carrying, and just … be.
But here, with the threat of reality breathing down our necks, it could never happen that way. We had to lay it all on the table for the other to see if we were going to be able to move on.
"What do we do now?" I managed to ask, starting the conversation we both were dreading.
She turned slowly, acknowledging that she understood.
"It won't be the same."
"I know."
"It can't be."
"I know."
"You can't treat me like the fragile little human I was."
"I never thought you—"
"Yes," she cut me off, "you did."
"I know." I sighed again. Because she was right. I had wanted to protect her with every fiber of my being when she was human. So much, that I had risked everything to keep her safe. I still wanted to do that, but these past ten years I had come to the conclusion what I had done was wrong. She was my mate. I hated using that term, because she was so much more than that, but that's what she was. She was my other half, my soul, and if that was going to be possible, I had to treat her as an equal, a true partner in every sense.
I was strong and determined, but inside, I was a mess, always had been. Bella calmed my inner chaos, she gave me a sense of peace no one ever had. It wasn't just her mind, giving me the sanctity of not having to hear her thoughts, but she soothed the inner demon I had carried around since the day I had been turned.
"If I say I only did it to protect you, would you believe me?" I asked. "It sounds simple, and it's definitely not a good enough explanation, but it really is the truth."
"Protect me," she said softly, almost as if she was testing the words on her lips. She laughed, her head was down and her hair created a veil over her face, blocking me from her expression. "The irony, huh?" she asked still not looking up from me. "Protect me from what, exactly?"
The explanations I came up with in my head all sounded ridiculous. I left to protect her, but she was right. From what? I wanted to give her a normal life, and with me, she never would have had that. But now look at her. Her days had been numbered the moment I had crossed her path, I just didn't want to accept it at the time. If I had 'gotten my head out of my ass' as Emmett far too often described it, I would have seen that we had always been destined for a life together. But because of my determined, selfish ways, we had to take the hard road to get here. It was my fault. I wanted to protect her from this life, but I should have known I couldn't protect her from fate. So what was I protecting her from? Because it sure wasn't Victoria, or becoming a vampire. I was protecting her from …
"Me," I answered her. "I was protecting you from me. I don't expect you to understand. I don't fully understand it myself. Looking back, it was the stupidest excuse I've ever come up with. I was a fool. Everything was so new to me and I know I was scared." I had gone over this conversation so many times in my head. I had it all planned out as to what I would say to her, how I would explain why I left, but that was when I imagined her as Bella, the eighteen year old human. We had both lived lifetimes since then. Even though I was over a hundred years old when I left her, I was still a child. It was so easy to revert back to my old ways with her here in front of me, but remembering what I had said to myself only a few hours ago with Jasper, I knew Bella needed the man I had become.
"I didn't leave because I didn't want you," I explained. "I hope you know that."
"I think I always knew that, but was too afraid to believe that you could just leave me. It was easier to believe you didn't want me." She finally raised her head, flipping her hair behind her shoulders. She grabbed it in her hands, and twisted it placing it over one side of her shoulder. "When I saw Jasper, I think it was harder to take knowing that you were alive all this time, but didn't come find me."
"We thought you were …"
"Jasper told me. It's still hard to take, harder than thinking I was not what you wanted. Because it means, you gave up on us. You didn't believe in us enough to let me make my own decisions. You didn't think I was capable of choosing my own life. And that means you thought of me as a child, not as your partner, or your equal."
We were silent for a few moments. It was awkward, and I wished for the day when our silences wouldn't be so uncomfortable.
"Do you resent me?" I asked, realizing she must harbor some hatred toward me even if she wouldn't admit it freely.
She sat down on the floor, with her knees bent and her head leaning up against the wall.
"How could I not?" she said simply. "It seems like another world, another lifetime that we were Edward and … Bella. I wanted you to let me love you as you were. But you couldn't do that. You couldn't accept our differences, and now that I'm like you, I can't help but think it's too late. You should've been brave enough to let me decide whether or not to become one of you." She absently rubbed her arm, like she was erasing the pain from the scars that were visible there. "All of this could have been avoided." She wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her head down, tilting it so she was facing me. She wasn't looking at me though, but almost like she was looking through me, thinking of some distant memory.
My throat constricted, as I waited for her to finish. She hadn't asked me to leave, yet, and even if she did, I knew I wouldn't be able to. She surprised me again, by patting the space beside her, gesturing for me to sit. I hesitated, and she gave me a welcoming smile that immediately seemed to pull at me, guiding me to sit next to her.
"I spent three days burning in pain and woke up to a world on fire. I'm not going to lie to you, Edward. We're beyond lies now. I thought I was dead, I was convinced of it." I couldn't help but look away at the mention of her death, but she continued despite my discomfort. "I honestly thought I was living in hell. The world was nothing but ash and dust, and I couldn't make sense of it. But despite all that chaos around me, all I thought about was you, and how you left me to face it all alone." She paused, resting her head on her knees. "Phil and Renee were dead, and I assumed Charlie was too. My world had finally ended, just like I'd wished for." Closing her eyes, she whispered, "I resented you. I resented all of you." She breathed deeply, and straightened up. "But that was a long time ago," she said louder, her voice direct and unwavering.
"Harboring that resentment wasn't going to change anything. Garrett taught me that, and I'm grateful for it. I'm not sure where I'd be if I'd let it take over. I've seen what hatred can do. It festers, and manifests itself in the most unfathomable way. I could've easily turned down that road, and I might have, had it not been for him. He's all I have."
"That's not true," I offered feebly, not wanting to interrupt her, but feeling compelled to do so.
"Yes, it is. I won't pretend to put on a smile and say I'm okay for you, because I'm not. I stand on my own now, Edward, because I can't lose myself to you again. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't go back to who I was. You made me weak, and I can't afford to be that right now. My first priority is Maria. She has to die, and I'll be the one to do it. What rose from the ashes that day in Phoenix was not the person you fell in love with."
I digested what she was saying; trying to see these changes she was so adamant about. They were there, more subtle than what she was trying to convince me of though. She was strong and forthright but these were just parts of Bella that seemed to be amplified now that she was a vampire. I couldn't help but wonder if she was convincing herself more than she was convincing me. She was still Bella, more than she wanted to admit to herself.
"We'll all destroy Maria. You're not alone anymore. I'll help you. I'll follow you anywhere. There's the two of us now, and as much as you think you've changed into this other person … this Phoenix," the word caught in my throat, "you're still Bella deep down."
"Sometimes I wish that were true, but it's not. I haven't gone by that name in years and I'd wish you'd stop using it. I'm not her." She was agitated, and ran her hands through her hair sending the scent of her up into my nose causing me to smile at the familiarity of it.
"I'm sorry, I'll never be able to call you anything but Bella. She's still in there. Blood may no longer run through your veins, but it doesn't mean you're not the same inside. Flesh, bones, blood … that's not what makes a person who they are."
She was scrutinizing the expression on my face. She wanted to believe me, but I saw the doubt. She was too afraid to let herself believe.
"But I've done things. Things I'm not proud of."
"So have I."
"I've killed people."
"So have I." I laughed at the irony of this, it was unavoidable. She knew exactly what I had done in my past, yet she was trying to convince me that she was a killer.
"But I've—"
I interrupted her. "There's nothing you could confess to me that would scare me away from you. I'm here to stay, forever." I was as sincere as I possibly could be, and I raised my hand, wanting to touch her, but I had made a promise I wouldn't, and I wasn't about to break that promise to her, not now. Instead, we were caught in each other's gaze, both of us apprehensive that neither of us were enough for the other.
"Any words I choose to say will never be enough," I said quietly, clearing my throat to help the words come out. "You should hate me, but yet, you say you don't. A part of me wishes you would, because it would make it easier for me to continue to hate myself. You sit here, like the angel I've always known you to be, and offer me more than I could ever have hoped for. I don't deserve you, I never have. I'll spend the rest of my days trying to be worthy of you, worthy of your love, and your forgiveness." I wanted to touch her, gather her up in my arms and weep for all that I had done to her. If I thought it would help, I would have, but a part of me felt she needed me to be strong in this moment, maybe I was wrong, but any attempt I made to grovel would be lost on her. She didn't need pathetic Edward, I could see it in the set of her shoulders. This Bella understood weaknesses and the last thing I wanted her to think was that she was my weakness, because she was far from that. She gave me the strength to live.
"Bella," I said taking a deep breath, "vampire or human, you are and always will be the most exquisite being to ever have graced my life. God has granted me this gift for a second time, and for the life of me, I can't figure out what I've done to deserve it. But this time, I won't be a coward. I'll never be afraid again." I moved away from the wall, swinging my legs around so I was facing her now.
"I can't begin to understand what you've went through. Jasper shared some of it, what it was like." I paused, hoping to get the words out without cracking. "Ten years passed under the most dire of circumstances, but the Bella I knew was strong. Stronger than anyone I've ever known. She would never fade away. She had too much life in her. I see you. Your heart may not be beating, but I see you. You can try to tell me that you've changed, I have too, but that doesn't mean I don't know what or who you are. You're still her."
She wasn't looking at me, instead, she watched the wind move through the pines outside the window. I saw the struggle in her face, as if she was battling with the two identities that had taken root inside her, not sure which one would emerge, I said the only thing I hoped would help.
"I'll always love you, Bella."
I didn't know how she would take it, but I couldn't stop myself from saying it. I needed her to know that no matter what she tried to tell me, I wasn't going anywhere.
Her back stiffened and the features on her face were hard just for a moment before they softened and she whispered, "Say it again."
"I love you," I said eagerly without hesitating for a second.
"No," she shook her head, her hair falling around her shoulders. "My name. Say it again."
Staring intently at her, and with a steady voice, I said, "Bella." I didn't draw it out, or whisper it. I said it clearly, with compassion, hoping it would resonate like I had meant it to.
She closed her eyes and a slow smile spread on her lips.
"Again."
"Bella." This time I whispered it, my voice dropping an octave letting her know how much I enjoyed saying it.
She nodded her head, willing me to say it again. So I did. Over and over until she was satisfied with hearing it. I didn't need her blushes to know she was pleased. It was written on her face, and when she finally opened her eyes there was a sparkle there, overpowering the red that had replaced the brown I was so accustomed to.
"It's been so long," she whispered, "since I've heard that name and been happy to hear it."
"I'll keep saying it until you believe again."
"That may take awhile."
"You're still my Bella."
"Hardly."
"Why do you say that?"
"I'm afraid you won't like what I've become."
"That wouldn't be possible."
She eyed me suspiciously. I could see she was mulling something over. She was picking at some dried mud on her pants, trying to scrape it off with her fingernail. The pants were well-worn; the material on her knees was threadbare with only a few fragments left before it would split wide open.
"I don't have many things, possessions, I mean. Other than a few changes of clothes—"
"I'm sure Alice will rectify that." I tried to make light of the situation, and she smiled warmly at me. Her smile was so stoic, I felt like a fool for saying what I did. "You know none of that matters to me," I said, clarifying my position. "It's all meaningless."
She nodded her understanding, and stayed silent for a minute more.
"I have only one thing that I've carried with me all this time," she said softly, almost inaudibly.
I was shocked to hear that, my mouth was dry wondering in anticipation as to what it could be, a token of something from her past life possibly. Reflexively, I reached down to my pocket feeling the edges of the bottle cap I still carried with me after all these years. I hoped her token had brought her comfort just like this piece of metal had brought me time and time again.
She leaned away from me, reaching for a tattered, canvas bag that was resting in the corner. She placed it in front of her, opening the tarnished silver clasps, one by one.
"This is all I have, all that mattered enough to bring with me." She pulled out a beaten up, leather covered, ancient-looking journal. There were pieces of rough paper sticking out of it, and it was bound together with a cord of leather wrapped around it tightly a number of times. She tapped it in the palm of her hand, sighing deeply before looking at me.
"This is me," she said quietly. She lifted my wrist carefully and placed the journal gently in my up-turned hand. It wasn't heavy, but it felt like the weight of the world was resting there.
"I want you to read it. I don't think I could tell you everything you need to know. My feelings now are not what they were. And if you want to know who I am, you have to know all of it."
We sat in silence for a moment. The sun was setting, and the shadows in the corners of the room seemed as if they were alive. There was nothing but the sound of the rustling of the leaves outside, as the wind continued to whip through the evergreens. I was afraid to speak, knowing that whatever I said would be inadequate for what she had just given me. My fingers traced every scratch, every dent in the leather. I raised it to my nose and inhaled deeply. I imagined it smelled exactly as Jasper had described Maria's caves, but it still didn't overpower her scent. Her essence was ingrained in the pages. I knew how much this meant to her and what it meant to give it to me.
"Garrett gave it to me about a year after I was changed. So I wouldn't forget. He said my memories would fade and I'd regret it if they did. I wanted to let them go, but he wanted me to hold on to who I was. I don't know … it's all just silly drivel if you ask me. It's pretty pathetic, really." She was rambling now, nervous, and she reached out to take it back. I placed my hand over hers, breaking my promise of not touching her. I softly gripped her fingers to stop her from twitching in nervousness.
"Bella," my voice was rough and thick with emotion, "thank you." I said it simply, hoping she would understand the power behind my words. This was more than some silly token, more than any gift I could have imagined, a peek into her very soul. I didn't know what I would find in there, my only hope was that she didn't hate me. I didn't expect her forgiveness, I didn't want a reprieve, but I wanted some hope that we could start over.
I touched the end of the leather cord, toying with it between my fingers.
"You may not like what you find," she said, breaking me out of my reverie.
"Hardly," I scoffed, using her word.
She leaned into me, bumping my shoulder, laughing a little. "I warned you."
I stood up abruptly, and walked over to the fireplace, looking around for wood to light a fire. She was on her feet following me with a look of panic on her face.
"You don't have to read it, but please don't—"
"Bella," I assured her holding her shoulders, "it'll be dark soon, I want the light to read." She could protest as much as she wanted to as to how she had changed, but here was my Bella standing in front of me. The one that was still unsure of my intentions. It was going to take a lot to get her to trust me again, but this time I wouldn't give up. I would never walk away from her, not in this life or the next.
"I'll read every single word that is written in here," I said slowly, lifting the journal, placing it between us. "If it's written by your hand, I will read it." I raised my eyebrows, pursing my lips. "I've longed for you for ten years, and I wish I'd never missed a second of your life, but it's as you said, I can't change that. But now you're giving me this gift to have some of those pieces of your life back. Good or bad, I'll take every moment of it." I placed my hand on the cover of her journal, feeling the strength buried within it. "Thank you."
I lit a fire in the fireplace, hoping the chimney was not blocked and we wouldn't be surrounded in black smoke soon. I waited for a few minutes, until eventually the flame took hold of the wood sending the smoke up the flue and the shadows of the room disappeared in its light. There wasn't a comfortable place to sit, but it didn't really matter, so I resumed my seat against the wall. She hadn't moved from her spot in front of the fireplace the entire time I was getting wood and lighting the fire. I let her be, alone in her thoughts. I didn't need to push her anymore than I had already. But when I sat down crossing my legs out in front of me and sighing lightly, she finally looked up. She was hesitant, almost timid again. She didn't know where to go while I would be sitting, getting the opportunity to read her thoughts. Finally after all this time, I mused silently.
I had always kept journals over the years—inner ramblings of a narcissist, I'd always called them. I'd be mortified to have anyone read them, especially with me sitting next to them. Bella's, however, would be a far cry from my ego-driven words. I wanted to share this with her, so I raised my arm extending an invitation to join me. I held my breath waiting for her to accept while she quickly glanced to the door, contemplating her escape, and then in a blink of an eye she was sitting next to me, nestled into my side with my arm around her. It was still hard to get used to how fast and graceful she could move. A part of me expected her to stumble, or trip into my arms. I wasn't disappointed, it was just different and like so many things, it would take time to adapt.
The one thing that did seem to be constant was the electricity between us. It was instant, but it settled, connecting us by creating a warming sensation that could have easily been from the fire, but it wasn't. I hadn't felt this kind of heat in years, not since I used to touch her while blood flowed in her veins. I wondered if she felt it too. It would undoubtedly be just as foreign to her. She never would have experienced this warmth from me while she rested against my body as a human. I wanted to question her if she had ever felt this with Garrett, but I knew better than to ruin the moment with my own insecurities.
"I don't know where else to go," she said, her mouth pressing against my chest while her eyes remained closed. I could have sworn she sniffed my shirt.
"Did you just smell me?" I asked, not hiding my laughter. Her eyes popped open and she moved to push away from me, but I held firm. I wasn't about to let her get away that easily.
"No!" she protested. "No, I didn't. Well, okay, maybe for a second, but I was just seeing if you smelled the same. You know, with my super-smelling and all." She would have been as red as a tomato right now, had she been human. It was comforting to know she could still get embarrassed just as easily.
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"Do I smell the same?" I asked, feigning exasperation.
She rolled her eyes, letting me stew a little bit while she thought of a response. She reached for the journal, and I pulled it away, waiting for her to answer. She nestled into my side again and I vaguely heard her whisper, "Better."
My face split wide into a genuine grin. "So do you."
She leaned away from me, looking up into my eyes, searching for something there.
"But what about …"
"The blood?" I finished for her. I wasn't going to lie because a part of me did miss the sound as it rushed through her veins, pumping her heart. I had been so in tune with her heartbeat, I used to think it beat for the both of us. It almost made me feel human. "It's different," I felt her shoulders slump a little, "but it also means I don't have to struggle. You don't know how hard it really was for me, Bella. You know what it's like to lust for blood, right?" She nodded. "We all lust for it, it's who we are. But to have someone like you, with your particular blood, you can't possibly imagine what it was like. I could never fully relax around you, never let go. My mouth always watered for your blood. Now …" I wanted to say that my mouth watered for her now, and her alone, not her blood. I no longer had to share her with the monster buried deep within me. All my desires were reserved for her, now, not her blood.
"Well, let's just say," I thought carefully how to respond, "it's a relief," I finally said. Poor choice of words on my part, but I didn't think she was ready to hear my true confession, of how much my body was responding to her. I had just managed to get her to sit next to me with my arm around her, I wasn't about to rush into anything she wasn't ready for. Trust, was all I kept thinking. I needed her to trust me again.
"Relief?" she said laughing. "I'm a relief. Nice to know."
"You know what I meant." I dug a finger into her side, while she squirmed. "Stop trying to change the subject. Are you going to let me read this, now?"
"I'm only sitting with you so you'll know when to skip the lame parts," she said, her tone changing to a serious one.
"Every word on every page will be read. There will be no skipping of the pages. If we're going to do this, we'll do it the right way," I squeezed her a little closer to me, "together."
She rolled her eyes again, shaking her head while she mumbled, "It's times like this I wish I could sleep through this."
The journal rested in my lap, my fingers covering the front of it. She picked up the edge of the leather cord, twirling it just as I had earlier.
"There's nothing in here that could change how I feel about you. And when I finish it, maybe you'll finally believe me. Please, Bella," I lingered on her name and trailed my finger along hers, "let me in."
She let go of the piece of leather, tucking her hands between her legs and settled in without having to say anything more. Lifting the journal, I slowly and carefully unwound the long cord wrapping it around my palm, almost as if I was afraid someone would come and take it away from me if I didn't hold on to it somehow. There were scribbles and little drawings in ink on the first page, exactly the kind of doodles you'd expect from years of thoughts being put to paper.
The sketches gravitated around an inscription, and I held my breath as I read it. I knew this was going to be painful; I wasn't under the illusion that her words weren't going to hurt, but the intimacy of what was written there still took my breath away.
So you don't forget.
All my love,
Garrett
-:-
MARCH 2007 – Approximately one year after the World, as Isabella Marie Swan knew it, ended.
Dear Alice,
It feels weird writing to you, but I don't know who else to address this to. It's too painful to write to the obvious choice. It's hard to put your thoughts out there to someone knowing they wouldn't really care to read this. I suppose I could just write it to myself, but then I doubt I would put everything to paper. Garrett (I'll get to who he is later) says I need to write it down so I don't forget, but a part of me wants to. There are days I wish I could forget, but then there are days where I panic and think I've forgotten what you look like, or sound like, or even what he felt like. I don't want those memories to fade. I don't want it to be like you never existed, because then a part of me feels like I never existed.
If I have to live forever, I want someone to know that Bella Swan did exist. Even if she died two days before most of the world did.
I don't even know if you and your family survived. I would think you saw it coming and are safe somewhere. A part of me can't help but resent you for leaving me to die along with the rest of the world. But you have your reasons I'm sure, I'm just another human who crossed your path. I understand that, I suppose. When you have an eternity, what's another human? Especially one you only knew for a few short months. I'd like to say I forgive each of you, but I don't think I can, yet. My mother is dead. My father probably is too, and if he isn't, I'm sure he thinks I am. I'm lost to all those I thought were my friends, including you. I'm alone in this new world. So why would I want to keep a book of things that are too painful to me? Maybe it's cathartic, maybe not, regardless I hope it gives me some peace. I can write it all down, and ease my mind from the burden of trying to hold on to something that seems such a distant memory. Crafty, that Garrett is, I'm sure this is his plan.
I guess I'll start with the day you didn't even say goodbye. The day I count as my human death. You already know everything up to that point, and have the mind to remember it.
For weeks, I was just an empty shell. I don't think I ate or slept or did much of anything really, except wait. I thought for sure you would see me, see how miserable I was and come back. I didn't want to be happy, because for some strange reason I thought if you saw that I had moved on, you would never come back. So I stayed that way, alienating everyone around me, until eventually even Charlie couldn't stand to be around me. No one wanted me, not even my own father. I was a burden to him, so he sent me back to Renee so he didn't have to deal with me anymore.
I'm well aware of how this must sound to you, even now as I recall my feelings it seems pretty pathetic. I'll probably go back and read this and tear it out, but I promised myself if I was going to write in this, I would be honest. What would be the point if I wasn't?
I left Forks, with even less than when I arrived. Renee said she was happy to have me even though I knew she was out her element. I was always the one to take care of her, not the other way around. She tried, but mothering instincts were just not a part of Renee's genetic makeup. I couldn't blame her though, unwilling as I was to talk about anything, she was fumbling in the dark as to how to help me.
We traveled a lot with Phil for his baseball, at least for the first few months. I don't recall which cities we visited, but I do remember the countless tacky decors of the motel rooms we stayed in—I'm sure you would have been appalled by them.
We moved from city to city, which was absolutely fine by me. It meant we never had to settle somewhere, and I never had to meet new people. I was just waiting for fate to step in and finally relieve me of my misery. Your brother (sorry, I can't write his name just yet) should have let me die in that parking lot, or in Port Angeles, or left me for James. I think that would have been kinder than what he did to me. He let me into his world, let me fall in love with him, with all of you, and then he stole it all away without so much as a by-your-leave. It was crueler than anything James or Victoria could have done to me.
I'll stop on that train of thought, because I also promised that I wouldn't fill this journal with anger, even though I feel I have the right to do so. It won't change what happened to me, and it won't bring any of you back.
Renee homeschooled me, which I remember was such a relief to me and I was grateful for that. Phil injured his leg and we ended up in Baltimore where he got a job coaching a farm team while he did his physical therapy.
Baltimore was all right, but I was scared that Renee would look into some schools for me. I heard her arguing on the phone with Charlie quite a few times. I guess they had different ideas of how to get me past the "depression" I was in. It's funny, they told me I was depressed, and I let them think what they wanted, there was no point in arguing, because how could I explain to them that I should have been dead. I wasn't depressed, I was a walking corpse. Vampire or not, I was/am dead.
I thought it might be comforting to write to you, but it's not really. It's bringing more things to light that I remember. On paper, I'm forced to flesh out my feelings, putting it all down makes it all real. In my head, they were nothing but my fleeting thoughts. My memories were jagged, a little rough, but now seeing them here makes me digest the memories, all of them, good and bad.
I'm sitting here, wondering why you never came for me, and I think that haunts me more than your brother telling me he didn't want me. You were my friend. I wouldn't wish what happened to my mother on my worst enemy. You must have seen it. So why didn't you come?
As I write this, I'm filled with guilt, because a part of me thinks beyond any doubt that you would have if you had been able to. All I can think is something has happened to you, to all of you, and I'm ashamed to be thinking horribly of you. Despite all that has happened, I can't imagine a world without you in it. Then again, I can't imagine you in this new world, so maybe you aren't here and I'm grateful you don't have to endure this. Or maybe I'm lying to myself to forget the pain of it all, just like I always imagine this is a dream, none of it is real, but my sleepless nights and thirst for blood tell me otherwise.
Garrett says he knew Carlisle. He met him once, a long time ago. He speaks of him with a sort reverence, which I completely understand. Their encounter was brief but I never get tired hearing of it. It connects us in some way, knowing that someone else knew you existed.
Garrett says that's why he saved me. I don't really remember it, but he says he heard me calling out Carlisle's name, (along with another name which you can probably guess who that was). He said Victoria was taunting the other vampires with the precious 'Cullen' name. He didn't know what ties I had to Carlisle, but Garrett thought he would do him a service by saving me, just as Carlisle had saved him many years ago.
I'm going to try and recall my story now and without all this drivel and whining of my inner ramblings. It's not to make you feel guilty, but I want you to know what happened, and maybe you can share it with Edward (there… I wrote his name, happy?), that is, if he cares to hear it. And if anyone else gets a hold of this, well, I hope it will make for some good fiction reading.
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BELLA SHIFTED BESIDE ME, and her hand reached out to delicately rub the words that were written. It hovered there for a second, as if she wanted me to wait while she second guessed the notion of sharing this part.
"It's okay," I said. "If you don't want me to, I won't."
"I know. It's just been a long time since I've read this. I've forgotten." She raised her hand to her lip, and pulled on it gently. "I wrote this next part as if I was there, so it's just hard for me, it's like I'm reliving it all over again."
"I'm sorry," I said again, lamely. "I don't know what else to say, but I am."
I had noticed the words on the opposite page had changed. It was no longer her thoughts, but more of a retelling of the events that lead to her death.
"Do you want me to continue?" I asked.
She nodded and settled back in beside me.
.
IT WAS AN EVERYDAY, average afternoon in Baltimore. Phil had gotten home from training, while Renee and I were wrapping up my last lesson. I didn't have the heart to tell her I had already learned most of the stuff she had been teaching me. If it gave her some comfort to think she was helping, I could endure reading the same curriculum I did in Phoenix and in Forks. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, listening to Renee and Phil arguing in the other room. Their hushed whispers never escaped me. Luckily, we had a small suite in the place we were staying. Often times we'd been stuck in one-room motel rooms with two double beds. It made it much more difficult to hide the constant night terrors I suffered from over and over again.
But Baltimore was different, because we were staying here for a while, even though you wouldn't know it to look at my room. The only thing that was mine was the suitcase against the wall, which I still hadn't unpacked.
I rolled away to face the wall, clutching my cellphone in my hand. For the umpteenth time, I tried calling Alice's number, and for the umpteenth time, the pre-recorded message on the other end told me the number was not in service. Just once I wanted to hear the number go through. I didn't know what I would have done if it had, I probably would have hung up in a panic. I just wanted to talk to her, or any of them just to reassure myself I wasn't crazy. Maybe it was all in my head, and I was slowly going mad thinking vampires existed … that I hadn't really been in love with a vampire. But all I had to do was look at the silvery-crescent scar on my hand, and feel the coolness of the bite-mark left by James and all the memories would come rushing back to me.
Renee had shut my door, not wanting to disturb me she said, but it was more to stop me from hearing her and Phil argue about me again. I felt like I was stuck between two worlds, like I was in purgatory waiting for the next life that would never come. Eternal damnation, I was fairly sure of it.
I was disturbed from my listlessness by the phone ringing in the other room. I never paid much attention to it, but when I heard Renee's alarmed voice through the door, my ears perked up.
"WHAT!" Renee exclaimed into the phone, and silence followed.
"I'll be damned if he thinks he can just waltz back into her life. What's that supposed to mean?" I heard her scoff, while her hand hit her thigh in frustration. Her voice lowered, but I could still make out one thing.
"He didn't want her," she said before more hushed whispers that I couldn't hear. "She's not going back there," she yelled into the phone. I realized she must have been talking about Charlie. I guess Renee's parenting skills had finally hit their limits with Charlie and now he wanted me back. "I'm her mother, dammit, I don't care what he says!" I didn't think I had ever heard Renee that angry before. Charlie must have done something to set her off.
"Fine! We'll get a lawyer." I couldn't hear what else was said, only her telling the other party on the phone that she would be in touch before she hung up.
It was almost a half an hour before I heard the soft knock on my door.
"Bella, honey? Are you awake?"
I didn't answer, knowing she would come in anyway. The door opened and I felt the bed sag from her weight as she sat down behind me. She caressed my hair, which hadn't been washed in days, tucking a strand behind my ear.
She sighed deeply, but continued to rub my shoulder with a tender touch.
"Phil and I have to head back to Phoenix. There's been an offer on the house, and we really should be there. Do you think you can handle Phoenix for a little bit? It won't be long. Maybe the hot sun will do you some good. Hmm?" She patted my side lightly. "Some of your stuff is still in your room. I know it's been a while, but you might like to see some of your old friends."
I still hadn't turned around, hoping she'd think I was sleeping.
"What do you say?" she asked. "We need to be there by tomorrow to sign some papers, so we'll have to leave tonight."
I finally turned around, surprised at the turn of events. I guess Charlie's threats had been real enough to make my flighty mother go into panic mode.
"Tonight? But what about Phil and his job?"
"Oh, never mind about that." She waved her hand. "He figures he's not really cut-out for coaching anyway. The money from the house should give us some time to figure out where we want to go. I'm thinking California. How does that sound?" She had a fake grin on her face and her eyes were wide.
"Are you planning to make a run for Mexico?" I was eighteen, but I didn't think 'kidnapping' me away from Charlie was the best option for us at the moment.
"Why would you say that?" she asked, clearly flustered.
I sat up, groaning at the stiffness in my muscles. "Nothing, it's just, you can't stop him from seeing me." If Charlie wanted to see me, I would let him, even though I didn't wish to. He was still my father.
"Bella," she said with authority in her voice, "yes, I can." Her face flushed with anger staring at me. When I didn't say anything in return, she simply stood up and started going through the drawers of the hotel dresser looking for my things to pack in my suitcase. She slammed each of the drawers shut and went to the closet to look for anything that might be hanging there. When there wasn't, she threw her hands in the air and let out an exaggerated sigh.
"You didn't even unpack anything?" she asked. "Bella, we've been here for a few weeks now!" She went into the bathroom grabbing my hairbrush, toothpaste and toothbrush, the only three things I had actually unpacked, along with some shower items that were rarely used as well. "This," she held up the items, "is why I can stop him from seeing you. You're not well, sweetheart. It's my job to make sure you're all right, and you're not. I'm your mother! I still have a say!"
"I'm eighteen." I said it simply to remind her she couldn't exactly tell me I couldn't see my own father, not that I wanted to go back to Forks though.
She dropped the stuff in my suitcase, zipping it up and came to sit beside me, gently caressing my hair, again.
"I know you are, honey, and that's why I think this is for the best. You're only eighteen. Life's too short and fragile to be like this. There's too much at stake to waste it away like you are. I just want you to be happy, and Forks wasn't that place for you."
"But I was happy," I said, reminding her, but not doing a very good job of it.
"Yes … was, honey. Was. It's time to move on to something new." She rubbed my cheek, and placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head.
"And California is the answer to my happiness?" I asked dryly, not believing a word of it. It didn't matter to me, one city or the other, it made no difference to me.
"Maybe," she said enthusiastically. "You can take up surfing!" I raised a skeptical eye at her. "Well, maybe not. We don't need you drowning, now, do we?"
Before I knew what was happening, I was riding in the backseat of a taxi, squashed between my mother and Phil on the way to the airport. Originally, only Phil was going to Phoenix to meet with the lawyer and the realtor to sign the papers, then fly back to Baltimore, but with the 'recent developments,' Renee thought we should all go. We had been moving so much, everything was still in Phoenix until we could find a permanent place, so as far as Renee's logic was concerned, it all made perfect sense to her. The car had never been ours, it belonged to the team, and Phil was reluctant to leave it, but he put on a smile for my mother. He didn't say much, he just offered me an arm around the shoulder in support and said some encouraging words as to why he didn't mind leaving Baltimore so abruptly. If anything, I guess it proved he really did love my mother. He was giving up a lot for her daughter.
It was strange being back in my old house. The last time I had visited was right after being released from the hospital last spring. I'd been through so much since I last slept here well over a year ago—before I moved to Forks. Back then, I hadn't known vampires existed, back then I'd never been in love. Here in this room, the past year seemed like a vague dream of nightmares and fairy tales which should never have been real. Despite the terror and misery, I still wanted it … all of it. All the blinding pain was worth it. If I wanted to remember the good memories, I couldn't have one without the other.
I didn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned restlessly; waking throughout the night thinking someone was in my room. Lately, I hadn't been having those dreams in the hotels, but being here in this familiar place brought them all back. I would jolt awake, seeking out the shadows in the corners of the room, desperate to see someone to ease my paranoia, but each time I scrambled for the light the room was empty. Eventually I left the light on hoping to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, but that was next to impossible. Once I dreamt of Edward, there was no rest for my head or my heart. By the time dawn came, I was more exhausted than usual, and found myself sitting on the edge of my bed staring vacantly out the window.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass, and frowned, realizing what a pathetic looking human I was. Weak and frail, that's all I'd ever been. There was nothing I could offer to someone like Edward. He was like a bright beacon of light that shone on me, creating a false sense of security and hope that someone like him could love someone like me.
My mother hoped I'd forget and move on, but I still fought it daily. It was getting harder to recall his pale skin, his face, even his eyes. Every day I studied his features in my mind, trying to bring him back to life, always lost in my thoughts like I was now, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring into the backyard trying to remember. I could see him clearly, there just below my window, next to the trees, the pale, white, smooth skin of a vampire and I continued to recall the rest of his features or any of the Cullens for that matter. The hair … it was lighter, but I ignored the differences moving to the eyes instead and gasped when I saw red, not the amber gold I was so used to.
He was staring up at me curiously, neither of us sure if we truly saw the other. The vampire was tall, taller than Jasper, and had long sandy colored hair and a beautiful, strong face to match his physique. He didn't look like a Nomad like James and Victoria had. He almost looked respectable and I smiled at him, wondering if I was really seeing this beautiful creature outside of my house. He didn't look dangerous, but I glanced again at his red eyes, knowing full well what they represented.
What if he was like Victoria? What if he knew Victoria?
Renee called up to me from downstairs, asking me if I wanted breakfast, and I panicked as reality came crashing back down to me. The expression on my face must have dropped, for the vampire stranger, cocked his head inquisitively, glancing to the kitchen window below me. My heart dropped thinking of Phil and Renee downstairs, and I just stood stock-still for a moment, listening to the pounding of my heart. The vampire gave me one last smile, then disappeared within seconds, vanishing like he had never even been there. Maybe I was imagining him, wanting to believe so desperately the Cullens would come back, that I conjured him up in their stead. The hairs on the back of my neck and the tremble in my hand told me otherwise. There was a vampire with scarlet eyes outside of my house who was watching me, and more than likely meant to do me harm.
"Mom!" I screamed down to her. "What time do you have to go?"
"What?" I heard her confused voice through the floorboards. It was the first conversation I had initiated in weeks, of course she was going to be confused.
I scrambled around my room throwing on the first T-shirt and jeans I could find, while I looked around the room for anything that might be useful, which deep down I knew nothing would be. There was nothing that could stop a vampire, bar another vampire, which I clearly didn't have one of those. I threw my hair up in a ponytail, and at the last second, grabbed my backpack while I ran out my door. I jumped the last few steps from the stairs to the landing, trying not to stumble and all but skipped into the kitchen. Renee was staring into an empty cupboard, evidently looking for breakfast.
"Did you say something?" she asked, not turning around.
I was breathing heavily, as though my lungs needed to be stretched, the oxygen and blood flowing quickly through my body. I thought my heart was going to burst from the exertion, that little bit of movement was more than anything I had done in months. Phil looked up from the kitchen table, his eyes glancing from my shoes to my hair. He took a sip of his black coffee, trying to hide his surprise at my appearance.
"Um, yeah," I said out of breath tucking a few stray strands of hair behind my ears avoiding his scrutiny, "what time do you have to go?" The state of my voice caused my mother to abruptly turn around. She looked at my quizzically.
"Bella, are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, you're all flushed, and you're dressed," she turned to the clock on the wall, "and it's not even eight yet."
"It's not a big deal," I said glancing out the kitchen window to the same eucalyptus tree where the visitor had been standing only moments ago. "I was thinking we should go out for breakfast, and I could come with you this morning."
Shocked, she opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again trying to think of something to say. Shaking her head in disbelief, she eventually said, "Yes! Of course! That would be fantastic. We can go to that pancake house you used to love so much." She looked at Phil for approval, which he just shrugged and nodded.
"Sounds great, mom," I said with a weak smile.
"We have a few hours until the first meeting though," she winced, "are you really hungry?"
"Yes. Let's go now. Please?" I added.
"Well, okay, then." The smile on her face was the widest I'd seen from her in a few months. Immediately I felt ashamed I had caused her so much heartache. I didn't realize I could have saved her from all of it if I had just chosen to get dressed first thing and suggested breakfast once in a while. If we managed to avoid a vampire disaster, I promised myself I would try to do better by her.
.
THE MORNING WAS PAINFULLY slow and breakfast was torturous. I felt every second that ticked by on my wristwatch vibrating against my skin, almost like the tapping of a deathwatch beetle. I had been waiting for this. I wanted death to come take me, but the idea of it now, as close as it was, terrified me.
Riding around with Phil and Renee while they did their errands was only prolonging the inevitable, and possibly leading them to their deaths as well. My plan had been to get away from them and face what was coming without them. Perhaps the vampire would leave after he was satisfied with my death. Claiming the usual headache or stomachache after breakfast, made it easy to get away from them. It was these thoughts running through my head while I stared out of the taxi's window, nearing the house, and nearing my death. I wasn't afraid now that I was alone.
"Stop!" I yelled from the backseat of the taxi.
I saw him in the shadows of my old ballet studio. The fire from a year ago hadn't destroyed it completely, and it looked as though it was under construction to repair the damage. My mind hadn't imagined it, I recognized him immediately. Laurent was lurking in the shadows, right before he slipped inside the side door. It was unmistakable; there were now two vampires who were keeping tabs on me, which meant Victoria must be close by. My only hope was to keep her away from the house, away from Renee and Phil, which meant facing her here in the same ballet studio where I had faced James only a year ago.
The morning had been cool, but now that the sun was out, the air was thick and heavy as I stepped out of the taxi. It was a young woman behind the wheel, she was friendly and talkative during the ride home, but now, seeing the dread in my face she seemed concerned, asking if I was going to be okay. I assured her I was fine, she was reluctant to believe me, but took my word and drove away from the curb.
Even though it was midday, the building seemed dark and ominous, like the shadows were hiding something truly menacing. I couldn't move. The hairs on my arms stood up and I desperately wanted to run, but I was rooted to the sidewalk. It was just like one of my nightmares, something frightening was waiting for me, ready to do me harm, and there was no escape. I wanted to run, but I had nowhere to go. I started to regret all that I had told myself these last few months, I wanted to take it all back and cry out for someone to save me, tell me there were no such things as monsters and I was being ridiculous. But the truth of it came crashing back to me, my sanity returning to the recesses of my brain, there were monsters and there was no way to outrun them.
My breathing was loud and echoed in my head, drowning out the sound of the traffic driving by on the street. Just one step forward, then another, and all this would be over. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew what waited inside for me. Death had finally decided to pay me a visit.
The door clicked shut, announcing my arrival, and I stood frozen, my brain refusing any attempt at allowing my lungs to exhale. My eyes glanced furtively around the room recognizing the changes that had taken place since my last visit. The floors had been replaced, and the walls had been repainted but were missing the mirrors James had liked so much, and for an instant, I was transported back to that moment with him. I was positive I smelled the blood again and could actually taste the metallic tang sliding down my throat.
My tongue ran along my mouth feeling a deep gouge and the sting on my inner lip where I had bitten right through it from my sheer terror.
"Bel-la." I felt his words next to my ear and I jumped. "I'm so glad you could join us." Laurent's thick accent resonated deeply within my bones. "Victoria will be pleased. She was hoping it would happen here, fitting isn't it?" He had moved around to the front of me, and gently grasped my hands, leading me to the center of the room.
"Quite the stage don't you think? I believe there used to be mirrors, no?" He smiled, and although he intended it to be pleasant, it was anything but. "You're trembling, Bella. Are you afraid of me?" He clucked his tongue, admonishing me as if I was a child. "You must have known this was coming. We were surprised to discover the Cullen's had left you alone, unprotected. Does Edward no longer care for you? Hmm?" he asked, expecting a response. "Cat got your tongue, dear one? It does not matter, Victoria will find him, but not before she shares the details of your death."
"No!" I yelled, instinctively. "It's me you want, not him. Mate for a mate, right? It ends here."
He inhaled deeply, his eyes focusing on my mouth. He smelled the blood from my lip. His eyes gleamed in the dull light of the room.
"You bit your lip. That is troublesome. You are so … mouthwatering." He licked his lips and leaned in closer for a smell. "Victoria wanted me to wait for her, but I'm not sure if I can. She has plans for you, dear one."
I tried to swallow, but my tongue was dry and felt like it had shriveled into a piece of cardboard. I just wanted it to be over. I hoped it was quick, and maybe having Laurent end my life would be much easier. Victoria would definitely want to take her time. I bit my lip even harder and the fresh flow of the rusty, salty taste filled my mouth.
Laurent started to laugh while he backed away.
"Clever girl, but I'm not foolish. Victoria would kill me just as surely as she will kill you." He was halfway across the room now, watching me carefully. "Interesting. You want to die? Or do you hope she will make you one like us?" He cocked his head to the side. "Is that what you wish?"
"No," I said, walking closer toward him. "There's nothing I want to live for."
"Fascinating mortal you are, Bella. No wonder the Cullens were so taken by you. You are not afraid to die, perhaps you are afraid of the pain, though."
"You could end this, Laurent. Right now. You can taste my blood. You can have it." My lip was starting to puff up, the blood flowing freely now and I watched as his eyes followed the drips to the floor. He was having difficulty restraining himself and he stepped backward matching every step I took forward. It was like our own little dance … a dance to the death.
He knew what his fate would be if he killed me, and I knew what mine would be if he didn't. I needed to be stronger than him.
There was a long nail lying on the floor just inches from my foot. I slowly bent down to pick it up, keeping my eyes on him the entire time.
"You are trying to tempt fate, silly human."
I could tell he had stopped breathing, trying to stop the scent from reaching his tongue. I held the nail between my fingers and drove into the palm of my hand dragging it along my skin, slicing it until I came to my wrist. Dropping the nail, I cried out a little, grabbing my hand and squeezing it until there was enough blood to hopefully distract him from his careful restraint.
In a flash he was gone, up to the rafters above me where I couldn't see him, but I heard his laughter echoing all around the room.
"Why don't you run?" he said from the shadows. "You have nothing to run to? From what I understood from Carlisle, you were family."
I held my hand up to the ceiling and yelled, "Here! You can have me!" My breathing was heavy, my chest pounding and I was close to hysterics. I didn't want to answer to him or anyone else, I just wanted this over.
A door opened to my left, I whipped my head around and saw a man walk in and stop in his tracks at the site of me. My panic increased while I squinted trying to see through the shadows to see his face.
No one else could die, was the only thought that popped into my head.
He stepped into a ray of sunlight coming through the window high above, and he sparkled. All I heard was Laurent yelling at the vampire—one that I had never seen before—for the next thing I knew, I was thrown across the room, my head and back slamming hard into the wall with a resounding crack.
Everything was foggy after that, a smoky haze which I seemed to drift in and out of. I could hear the muffled cries and shouts and growls as the two vampires tussled. I tried to open my eyes, but the room was spinning and all I kept thinking was that it was such a déjà vu moment, only this time Edward, or Carlisle, or the rest of the Cullens wouldn't be here to save me.
"She'll kill you, young one. This one is for her." I heard Laurent's words, but I couldn't connect to what he was saying, there were only more growls.
I smelled the blood—so much more than what was just from my hand. The warmth spread down the side of my cheek and I gagged, trying not to vomit. I tried to move, but I couldn't feel my legs, it was as if they were no longer attached to my body. Panicking, I reached down and touched what felt like a thigh, but it wasn't mine. Or was it? It was then that I did indeed vomit.
The room continued to spin around me, and the fighting seemed to grow louder, but none of that distracted me from the pain in my head. I fought hard against it all, my eyes rolled back into their sockets while I desperately tried to focus on the movement. I was seeing six vampires, or three. I couldn't tell, but then realized it didn't matter. I was dying. Victoria would never have me.
My stomach stilled, the throbbing in my head stopped, and then there was nothing but silence, and I welcomed it. I took one last deep breath and felt the relief spill over my body, reaching me from head to toe. I smiled because the pain was gone, there was only warmth now, and I felt myself floating. Slowly, not wanting to miss a second of my journey to the next life, I opened my eyes, only to realize I really was floating.
Edward, I love you.
"Ssh. Don't try to talk," I heard a deep voice say to me which snapped me back from the floating heaven I had been dreaming of.
Edward, was all I kept thinking, but it couldn't be him. He was alive, and I was dying, or already dead.
"He's not here," the voice said, as I was being lowered gently to the floor. "You're going to be okay," he assured me.
I glimpsed his face and gasped, choking on the blood which had filled my throat. The familiar stranger ran his hand along my cheek, saying soothing words and promises of saving me. And then I drifted … away into the depths of hell, burning alive from the inside out.