CHAPTER 25
-:- Opportunity Only Knocks Once -:-
2016 -:- Present Day
It was you and your family, wasn't it?" Garrett asked me and Jasper.
I looked over at Bella, and she still had her head down. She wouldn't look at any of us, and I kind of felt the same way.
"We went to Phoenix after Chicago," Jasper answered for me. "We would have gone sooner, but I wasn't in any shape to travel. Edward needed some cl—"
"Jasper," I said interrupting him, slightly shaking my head. I didn't want to sully the moment with the pathetic tale of my miseries.
When are you going to tell her? he asked in his head. I could only give him a hard look letting him know to drop it.
Bella glanced up to watch our exchange and our eyes met briefly, both of us uncomfortable with the story Garrett had just shared.
"I thought as much, but she wouldn't ever admit it, or didn't want to accept it."
"Garrett." It was Bella's turn, to warn Garrett he was heading into dangerous territory.
"What? It's the truth. Doesn't matter now, whatever or whoever it was that day, caused a fire to burn inside of you. I was grateful for it, because you were finally alive that day. The 'Phoenix' was born!" he teased, raising his arms high above his head, laughing.
"Shut up," she snapped back.
"Ah, Nix, you know I love ya. Drag that ornery ass over here, and give me a hug goodbye."
The tension in the room doubled, and Jasper apologized quickly, realizing he had shared Bella's emotions with everyone.
"What? No!" Bella protested.
"I'm leaving with Jasper."
"Why are you leaving?" She stood up crossing her arms.
"Because I miss my wife," Jasper said. "I need to go back."
"Of course, I'm sorry. Alice must be worried," Bella said under her breath.
"We'll all go. We'll come too," I offered, but saw Bella stiffen just ever so slightly at the mention of heading back to Forks.
She's not ready, Edward. Both Garrett and Jasper managed to say at the same time in my head. I knew they were right, but I wasn't sure if the prospect of staying with me alone was more daunting to Bella than heading back to Forks.
"I'm sorry," I apologized to Jasper, "I shouldn't have kept you from Alice."
"It's fine, but if I leave it any longer, she'll be on this doorstep soon enough," he said laughing, walking toward me. Will you be all right, here…alone with Bella?
I squeezed his shoulder and nodded. I hoped we would be. There was still so much to talk through, and having Garrett here was putting a serious damper on things.
"But you're not going, Garrett," Bella stated.
"Sorry, Nix, I am," he said sadly, gathering her in his arms. "Jasper and I talked it through, and I need to head back with him, talk to his family about what's happening. We need the jump start. Besides, I want to see Carlisle again. I doubt he'll even remember me, but I'd like to see the man who saved my life, once upon a time ago."
"But we said we'd never separate. No matter what. That was our rule. Our only rule." She had pushed away from him and had her feet firmly planted on the ground.
"Well, unless I'm mistaken, you're in no shape to head back to Forks, now, are you?" he asked, holding up her chin. "Jasper has to go, so that leaves me, you and him." He pointed to me. "Three is not company, even in an apocalyptic world, it's a crowd."
"But we said—"
"And we will. But eight years is long time, and it's about time we enjoyed our lives a little bit. You'll be fine. She'll be fine, right, Edward?" he asked me.
"When will you come back?" she asked.
"I was hoping you'd join us in Forks," Garrett said simply. "When you're ready, of course."
"What if something happens?" she asked. "What if—"
"Sweetheart," he interrupted, "wild dogs couldn't keep me away." He was grinning widely at her.
Wild dogs, I thought, and the wolves popped into my head. "Speaking of wild dogs …" I said, realizing none of them would know about the wolves of La Push and I needed to warn them to be on guard. Jasper had left before we found out about their existence. "Do you remember the legend of the Quileutes?" I said to Jasper, who in turn, briefly explained the story to Garrett and Bella.
"I've heard the rumors," Garrett said, nodding.
"Well, they aren't rumors. The wolves exist," I said, "and they're back."
"They're back?" Jasper asked with amazement in their voice. "What happened?"
"Bella, do you remember Jacob Black? Your friend from the reservation?"
"Yes, a little bit, he was younger than me, right? Little Jacob Black, and I remember you were jealous of him." She was smiling at me.
"I was not jealous. I just knew there was something wrong with that kid. And there is. He's not so little anymore. In fact, he's huge, and he's pack leader of the wolves." I spent the next few minutes briefly explaining about Charlie and the compound and the wolves.
By the time I had finished, Garrett had a huge grin on his face, excited by the idea of finally seeing one of the legendary wolves in person, especially knowing it would be on neutral territory.
"A real wolf!" he said in astonishment. "I never thought I'd get the chance to see one, and you're telling me there are five of them! Nix, this is unbelievable. Things are looking up for us." He winked at her. "Maybe we won't have to follow through on that plan of yours."
"Garrett, that's between you and me," she said with a warning in her tone. "Don't even think about it. You promised me." She quickly looked at me, knowing I would be searching Garrett's mind for any clues, but he was careful to keep me out.
"What deal?" Jasper asked, sending a soothing calm around the room. "You never discussed a deal."
Garrett walked toward Bella and softly said to her, "It's going to take more than you and I to bring her down. You know that."
"You promised me. We're not bringing them into this."
"Sweetheart, they're already in it!" He grabbed her by the shoulders shaking her a bit. "Open your eyes! You can't do it alone! We tried for eight years and we never got close to her. What makes you think that will change?"
"I'm not going to Forks," she said stubbornly to him.
"You can take as much time as you need, and come join us when you're ready, but you are going to see them," he stated firmly.
"Why does everyone insist on telling me what to do!" she yelled.
"I'm not telling you what to do, I'm speaking rationally. I know you, Nix. You've been aching for this day since the first time I laid eyes on you in your bedroom in Phoenix. I love you more than my own life, and I'd give anything to see you happy. Those people are your family and they love you just as I do. Don't make me carry you there against your will. 'Cause you know I'll do it, just like that one time in that little settlement town, remember?" He picked her up and lifted her over his shoulder. "So stubborn!"
"Put me down, you oaf!" She was beating her hands against his back, and laughing at him, as he spun her around. I quietly left through the front door, my heart breaking a little at the site of their affection, and how close they really were.
Jasper followed me, and the two of us walked down to the lake in silence.
Did you talk at least?
I nodded, putting my hands in my pockets.
Did you tell her about the past?
"There's no point," I said quietly, picking up a flat rock from the shore and flinging it as far as I could, watching as it skipped across the water. "I can't compete with that."
.
GARRETT AND BELLA SAID their goodbyes while Jasper and I stayed by the lake. We didn't talk much, Jasper sensed my need for some reflection and just stood with me silently, letting me stew things over. He was worried that leaving Bella and I, here alone, was not exactly a good idea. He was torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go home. I put on my best smile to convince him we would be fine. He needed to go home to Alice, his thoughts were consumed of her.
Jasper persuaded me to walk back to the cabin. I didn't even mind that he manipulated my emotions. I had been on such a rollercoaster of emotions in the last 48 hours I was happy to let him guide me a little bit. We stood just outside the door listening in on their conversation.
"So, what did you think?" Bella asked.
"Well, I'll admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought," Garrett said, and I could see in his thoughts his arm was around Bella, which I bristled at the image, and opened the door to the cabin without even thinking. They were laughing and teasing each other, like old friends would do, something I realized Bella and I had never really done.
"Sure, you'll listen to Jasper but not to me," she said, poking him.
"How could I trust you at the time? He's," he pointed to Jasper, "at least dined from both menus." He laughed, and Garrett's eyes moved to me.
Not helping the cause, Edward. You keep walking like that, and she's going to let you keep walking. She wants to push you. She's trying to see what you're made of, Garrett said silently to me, smirking a little. I hated the man, well at least I wanted to hate him, but it was proving to be difficult.
"You just about ready, Garrett?" Jasper asked, sensing the silent battle between Garrett and I.
"Alright, then!" Garrett exclaimed, clapping his hands. "Oh, one last thing. I'll be right back." He left in a blur out the door, his thoughts were filled by a desert flower, which I didn't quite understand.
"So, you'll be all right alone?" Jasper asked me one last time.
"He won't be alone," Bella said, rolling her eyes. "Edward has no idea what it's like to be on his own. I envy him."
"Just because I was surrounded by people doesn't mean I wasn't alone," I said quietly back without even thinking.
"You know what I meant."
"No, he doesn't," Jasper said from the doorway. "Don't presume to think you know what my brother went through, Bella. Because you're wrong. He's suffered enough. I think we all have." He lifted himself from the doorframe. There was anger in his eyes and his mind was reeling, wanting to blurt out everything that had happened to us in the last ten years.
"Jasper," I said in a hostile tone.
"No, Edward, you won't tell her, someone has to."
"Tell me what?" Bella asked.
"Jasper! Enough," I yelled.
"Tell me what?" Bella walked toward Jasper, the two of them meeting in the middle of the room.
"It's nothing," I said closing my eyes, wishing I could silently speak to Jasper.
Tell her. If not, I will.
Jasper put his hands on his hips, and faced me square on, waiting for me to confess, and when I didn't, he turned back to Bella. "We had our family, yes, I'm not denying that, but don't tell me he had it easy, none of us did. Bella, we all have our stories, and our scars," he absently touched his eye where the devil-child had almost blinded him, "so who are you to say someone's pain is less or more than someone else's?"
"Stop it!" I yelled again. "That's enough, Jasper." The sound of my voice echoed around the room, and floated on the wind over the lake.
Garrett came rushing in, glancing at the scene before him, and hesitantly raised his hands while he cleared his throat. "Whoa, what's going on here? Nix, you good?"
Bella nodded, avoiding looking at anyone.
Jasper was glaring at me, his mouth set in anger. What are you doing, Edward? I don't get you. If you're purposely trying to sabotage this, I wash my hands of you. I can't help you anymore. You're on your own. I get that you don't want to tell her everything, but it's like you've given up before you've even started. She's testing you. Can't you see that? Or are you still too caught up in your own misery? She's a fighter, so fight.
"Tex, we still leaving?" Garrett asked.
"Yeah, we're leaving," Jasper said slowly, still glaring. The hostility he was feeling was seeping into my body while he purposely tried to change my attitude. Use it. Feel something…anything other than that self-pity you've been feeling.
"Nix," Garrett said, "it's not the usual, but it'll do, right? It's all I could find. Should last long enough, right?" He smiled, handing her an evergreen sprig.
"You remembered, and yes," she laughed, "it'll do." She jumped up and hugged him. "Thank you for remembering."
"Of course! We're on the lam again, so tradition stands." He hugged her back before putting her down. "You sort this business out, and then come find me, and keep that so you know I'm not far. Just like we used to."
Garrett stretched his hand out to me. "Edward," he said, "I'm trusting you." I squeezed his hand back, my expression remained blank, as he passed on his threats silently.
"I don't know how long you two are going to take, but Alice will have both our hides if you're not back by Thanksgiving," Jasper said from the door. It seemed he had moved past his anger, and was back to thinking about Alice. I nodded my head, indicating my gratitude toward him, yet again, and he smiled and answered in his head, I know. Don't mess it up. "We'll see you two soon and don't take too long," he winked at Bella, "it's been long enough."
And then we were alone again, completely awkward in our own skins, it was like we were starting back at the beginning.
"Thanksgiving?" she asked.
"Alice is big on the holidays at the moment," I said dryly. "You know Alice."
The silence was palpable.
"Are you going to tell me what Jasper was talking about?"
"Not right now, no."
"Will you at some point?"
"Maybe, but I'm not sure it will make a difference. It seems you've made up your mind about me already, and I doubt anything I say will change it."
"That's not fair, Edward."
"Maybe not, but it's the truth. I can't compete with what you have with Garrett, you've made that clear. I just want to know where you see me fitting into your life, if at all."
She sighed deeply, leaning against the wall where we had sat earlier. Twisting the twig of the evergreen in between her fingers, she said, "I'm not sure, if I'm being honest. There are a lot of things to consider, and the first thing is Maria. I don't see the point of going to Forks. It'll just make it harder when I have to do what I have to do. So I'd rather not go."
"Wait, what? But you told them we were going. You told Garrett you'd be there soon."
"Garrett would never let me leave. He'd follow me wherever I went, and where I'm going I can't have any weaknesses, and that's what he is. So are you."
"This is why you agreed to stay without him? So you could get away?"
"Yes," she said simply.
"So, this was never about us?"
"No."
"You're lying."
"Edward, please," she begged moving away from the wall. "It would never work again. We're too different, and besides, I've already chosen my life and you're not in it." She shrugged and it was so unlike her, I knew she was just playing a part.
"I don't believe you." I smiled knowing exactly what she was up to. I was the master at this game, not her. I slowly walked toward her, almost as if I was stalking her. "I don't need the flow of your blood to tell me when you're lying. You never were a good liar, Bella." She had started shuffling backward with every step I took, until she was up against the wall again with my arms leaning against the wood, like a simple cage—one I knew she could easily break free of, but nonetheless I wasn't letting her get away.
"Don't," she whispered.
"Don't what?"
"Don't do this."
"Then, don't make me," I said almost growling even though I knew she was stronger than me and any second I was sure to be up against the far wall being held against my will.
"Edward," she warned.
"Tell me … why are you so afraid?" I leaned down toward her. I was inches from her face staring at her blood-filled eyes.
She licked her lips and instantly something shifted in her eyes. There was such sorrow in them, I felt guilty for having pushed her. I was about to drop my hands when she whispered very softly, "I can't have this and have it taken all away again. I won't survive this time." She closed her eyes, reaching up to my face and gently stroked my cheeks. "I can't be happy, not even for a moment."
"Bella," I breathed. I didn't know what to say, and instead just put my arms around her holding her.
"She'll come. She won't stop."
"I know," I said rubbing the small of her back, "that's why we have to make the best of everything, every little moment. You deserve to be happy, and as much as it's painful for me to say it, I do too. You survived, Bella, we both did. And this precious time we do have, we have to make it count." I kissed the top of her head, pulling her tighter to me. "I don't know what's going to happen, but rest assured, when the world comes crashing down around us again for the second time, I want to be by your side. I will be by your side. All I can do is love you. That's about all I know, right now."
We stayed that way for a while, neither of us wanting to be the first to break the connection. She was gripping me tightly, and I realized I was gripping her just as tightly, something I would have been conscience of, had she been human. It was just us in the moment. I wasn't worrying about breaking her and the revelation hit me hard. We were equals. There was a stirring inside of me that I hadn't ever felt before. It was a hunger, almost like a thirst, yet I wasn't thirsty for blood.
"Bella," I croaked, moving away from her to hide my discomfort, and cleared my throat. "Why don't we go outside, explore a bit. I'm sure you'd like to run a little and stretch your legs." I was extremely uncomfortable, and it was showing. I didn't know where Bella's feelings were, where she was at in terms of the next step in our rekindling, but I didn't want to push her in any respect until she was absolutely ready. There was no denying that I wanted her, I just wondered if she wanted me.
Her expression clouded and she pushed away from me. "I, um …" she stammered, "I don't know."
"What is it?"
"Nothing," she replied quickly, shaking her head.
"Bella …"
"It's nothing, really, it's just silly." She waved her hand, running it through her hair and walked to the window. Her hands were resting on the frame and I could see the dents she was making from squeezing it so hard.
"I doubt it. Please, tell me." I stood behind her, wanting to reach out and touch her arms, but refrained. She knew I was behind her, her shoulders tensed for a brief moment but then relaxed leaning back into my chest.
She laughed a little as she said her next words. "It's so reflexive, I can't help it."
"Help what?"
"I know it's you behind me and no one else, but it doesn't stop me from being ready for the unexpected. I wonder if it will ever change. Will I always be this way?"
"I know you think it's you and what happened to you, but a part of that is just what you are now. It's instinct, Bella." The top of her head was inches from my chin and I couldn't help but lean over and rest it against her. "You want to tell me what's got you pacing?"
She was still looking out the window, and the view before us was the lake we had yet to walk down to. The edges had just started to freeze, but in the morning light it looked like a mirror with its reflection filled with the two snow-capped mountains off in the distance. The sky was pink and it was such a beautiful sight I was sure at one point in the last ten years I never thought I would ever experience something as rich and pristine as this, like the world had been reset. The trees on the mountain side were young, but they were flourishing, even with the layers of snow it was evident.
"It's beautiful," she said.
"Mmhmm," I managed to mumble against her head.
"It scares me," she confessed and I felt her tension again.
"Why would you say that?" Placing my hands on her shoulders, I turned her to face me. "Bella, why would that scare you?"
"Don't you see? This …" she turned to the window, "is amazing!" she said laughing, but it was forced. "But it's not my life. She'll come for me, Edward, and we won't be able to stop her. I can't fight her with you and your family around. She'll use you against me, just like she did with Garrett. Only this time there are too many of you to protect, and she won't spare all of you. I can't have that. I won't have that. The only way to end this is for me to go back. On my own." She had slipped out from under me and walked away. It was my turn to grip the window frame, my fingers pressing deeper into the dents she had already made.
Lowering my head I said in a low and even tone, "That isn't going to happen."
"Don't fight me on this."
"Goddamn it!" I ripped the frame form the wall. "I will fight you on this, because you're wrong. There's not one of us that would let you go back there!"
"There's just so much to do," she sighed, "and I may be immortal now and have all this strength, but I feel so tired."
Those simple little words seemed to say it all. There was very little time to be happy. Maria's army would reign down on us soon enough. Perhaps in the new year. From what Jasper had shared, he didn't think her army would be mobile any time soon. Even she had strategies to think about, and if she thought Jasper was in league with the Volturi, well then, she would execute her plan carefully.
"You're not alone anymore. I know there's a lot to do. We have plans and strategies we have to think about, but for right now, can't we forget all that? Can it just be you and me? This …" I gestured between the two of us, "we have time to figure this out."
"Not enough," she disagreed, sighing sadly. "She'll send scouts."
"We have time," I said again, gathering her in my arms. "We're together, that's all the matters right now."
She was silent for a long time before she spoke again. "I'm just not used to all this. You have to be patient, it's not that easy for me. There's a part of me that wants to run as far away as we can and forget everything that's coming and just be with you. But then there's a part of me that thinks this is all a waste of time, I should be concentrating on how to defeat Maria. None of this is going to mean anything when she comes."
I held her at arm's length. "You don't really mean that, Bella. I think you know it means everything. It's what sets us apart from her and why we stand a chance."
She rolled her eyes. "Love conquers all."
"Yes. It does."
"You didn't believe that ten years ago when you left me in the woods."
"I believe now. You're proof of that." I took a moment before asking the next question. This was it, and I would stop breathing until she answered, but we both needed to hear the truth. "Can you love me again? Do you even want to try?"
She fiddled with the hem of her shirt, still unsure of her mixed emotions. She was afraid. I understood what she was trying to tell me, she was terrified to have this all taken away from her again. But I would never let that happen, the question was whether or not she was willing to give me a second chance.
"Yes."
It wasn't as convincing as I had hoped, but she was willing to try and that's all I needed to hear. I pulled her toward me, resting her head against my chest. The tension in her body relaxed a little, but the discussion wasn't over, there was still something she was holding back. I didn't need to read her mind to figure out she hadn't given up on this plan of hers. She was still the same Bella after all these years.
"How about we go hunting, take it slow, see what happens, and come back and read some more of that journal of yours?" I looked down at her, giving her the best the best grin I could muster.
She shook her heard. "That damn crooked smile," she mumbled. "After all these years, I still fall for it."
2008 -:- Bella's Journal
So, now you know how I came to be one of you. I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty, Alice, I don't want any secrets between us if we ever do meet again. Secrets just didn't seem to work with us. Maybe I do want you to know what I went through, but not because of what you think. I want you to see that I was strong enough to survive. I know you never doubted it, but others did.
I don't remember anything more, other than the fire and the burning pain, well, and the screaming and the writhing as the broken bones healed while my spine snapped straight again. It was everything you said it would be, but I had a stranger with me instead, not any of you.
It's been a year since that day, and I'm still surprised Garrett is with me. He hasn't left, but I keep waiting for the day, because I know it'll happen eventually. I'm not exactly the best companion, I rarely speak. All I want to do is find Victoria, but with each day that passes it's becoming clear I probably never will. Garrett tries to broach the subject of letting it go, but I refuse to listen to him. I'm not sure why he stays. I won't adapt to his ways, in fact, I disagree with almost everything he says or does. I know I do it to push him away, better sooner rather than later. I can't let myself become too attached to him, that's a mistake I'll never make again. No matter what I say or do, he stays. He promised me the day we left Phoenix he wouldn't leave, that we would never separate. I wanted to believe him, but at the time it was impossible to do. Slowly, he's been building that trust, and if he does have to leave, he has this little token he gives me to remind me he'll be back. It's silly, really, but it does seem to help. He scavenges the area, searching for a flower or anything still living and tells me he'll be back before it wilts. I didn't believe him when he first did it, but true to his promise, he was back before the flower started wilting. It seems simple, but it's comforting, and now each time he leaves he does the same thing and he's never broken his promise. It's his way to let me know I can trust him.
He's a good man. Red eyes aside, he's so different but so similar to all of you. It's like he walks in two worlds. The world you live in, and the world of vampires like James and Victoria. He's a fighter, but a good man with a conscious even if he does choose to kill. I imagine this is how your brother might have been during those rebellious years of his with Carlisle and Esme.
Garrett's got a little bit of each of you in him, almost as if I have my personal family Cullen wrapped up in one vampire. There's a little bit of Emmett in there, the way he teases me to no end and keeps me laughing on a daily basis. He was a soldier, like Jasper, and there's a quiet intelligence behind his eyes that could never be learned from books. And there are times when I see him with humans we pass in our travels, he treats them with respect and compassion—he tells me it's strictly for my benefit but it's there nonetheless—and reminds me of how Carlisle was at the hospital. He cares for me deeply, I know that and there is a fierce protectiveness which I suppose is much like Esme and even Rosalie. And then there's you. He's my friend and knows what I need before I even know I need it. But as much as I think he's like all of you, maybe I'm just desperate to see each of you in him. He's not filled that void left behind when you disappeared from my life.
Maybe that has everything to do with Edward.
I should love Garrett. I want to love him, I really do. But I don't, not yet. (I'm adding that 'yet' because I am determined to try.) Garrett is not the seven of you, as much as I want him to be, he never will be and it's not fair to him to mold him into something he isn't. Perhaps that's the key to loving him. Not looking for something that will never be there.
We're not sure where we're headed. Garrett has been suggesting we head North, even up to Washington to see if Charlie survived, but I've refused to entertain the idea. I'm not ready to find out if Charlie survived, or worse, if he didn't. He didn't want me around then, so I'm fairly sure he won't want me now that I belong to the society of the undead. Besides, stories from travelers about the North and the cold have me doubting anyone could have survived. The weather is harsh here in the South, and people are coming in droves in search of food and warmth. I've seen animals down here that I never would have imagined. Grizzlies in Arizona? Our food source, both mine and Garrett's, is here. This is what I tell myself so I don't have to admit that I'm afraid to go back. It's better that Charlie thinks I'm dead, because that's all I'll ever be to him.
Garrett still tries to mention the family every once and awhile, ever since we saw the stones in Phoenix. I know it was one of you who placed them there, and I think he knows it, too. I've never told him what happened, or how I know all of you, but I think it's pretty obvious to guess. I wonder what he thinks about the notion of a human loving a vampire. Probably pathetic and ridiculous, and I have to agree. It never could have worked and I see that now.
Garrett knows to only bring up the subject when I'm in a good mood. It's a clever game he plays. He seems to think I need to have some closure or something, but if none of you wanted me as a human, then I'm not about to go looking for you as a vampire. It wouldn't change anything. Maybe I'm stubborn, just like he says, but it's a touchy subject and usually ends with neither of us talking to the other, or mostly me not talking to him. I wonder when he'll just give up completely, probably when I give up the idea of finding Victoria. I realize none of you are my family, you never were. Garrett's my family now, he's all I have.
I'm still trying to get a handle on my thirst, even though Garrett says it's impossible for a newborn to have the control I do have. I don't really think much about it, having only ever seen one newborn, and he was hell-bent on killing me. My only real comparison as to how a vampire should act is from your family. But I'm proud to say, I have not tasted human blood. I'll add 'yet,' because Garrett seems to think it's inevitable and if it does happen, he doesn't want me to beat myself up over it. It's an endless debate between the two of us.
.
IT'S BEEN A LONG time since I've written in here. Truth is, I have nothing further to write. There's no point in dwelling in the past. It would be too easy to fill this up with the 'what if's' and the 'should've's' but it doesn't help, only makes me think of the things that can never be. There are days when I'm so angry and unbearable to be around, and I can't help it, but I just wish Garrett had left me to die. Those are the days he leaves me alone and usually goes scouting.
Why am I living this miserable existence?
He's been harping at me to continue to write, so this is my attempt. It's been six months and things are just getting worse. Maybe when something better happens, I'll pick this up again, but for now, I can't.
We've stayed in this place too long Garrett says. I suppose I can't complain, having never lived the life of a Nomad, I have no notion of what is too long. But he assures me we've stayed long enough to garner attention. We ran into a group of humans the other day, thankfully Garrett was full up from the morning hunt. I'm still working on the whole vegetarian thing with him. He seems to think since the world has ended, he should be able to do what he wants, enjoy what he wants.
It was odd, the humans spoke of stories about people turning to cannibalism, passing it off as the effects of the radiation. They called them monsters who drank blood. It's strange thinking I'm one of those monsters now, even if I do not fully partake in what they described.
The news of these 'monsters' seems to worry Garrett. It's not gone unnoticed by me that he's more on edge now. He never wants to stay in one place too long, and avoids the roads at all cost. I'm okay to follow wherever he wants to lead me. It's comforting having him in my life. I'm not sure where I'd be without him. But sometimes I catch him looking at me, and I know that look, it saddens me because I doubt I will ever return it. The change healed my body physically, but did nothing for me mentally. I'm still broken. I don't think I'll ever love again, because if I can't love Garrett, who is such a kind and decent man who I know loves me, then who can I love?
.
ANOTHER FEW WEEKS HAVE passed since I've been able to write. I looked over my last entry and thought about crossing it all out, but I guess that's not the point of this cathartic journal writing experience.
I'd mentioned these 'cannibals,' well, things have taken a little turn for the worse. We knew they were vampires, but these aren't just any vampires, Garrett says. They seem to be territorial and careless, which he says are two very dangerous combinations. He's pushing the notion of the North on me, but I am resistant to the idea, so instead we are heading East, trying to stay on the move.
We've made it into Texas, and things are odd within the surrounding settlements. They've set up barriers and gates around their buildings, and it's getting more and more difficult to gain access to these 'compounds.' They've locked out any outsiders, and some of them have armed guards settled above questioning anyone that comes within a hundred yards. They're afraid of something, but no one will talk to us because we're strangers and not to be trusted. The mood in the South is tense, and the further we go, the more apprehensive Garrett has become. He's pushing me to go North, and I have surprisingly agreed. Things are bad here, and I feel it's just the start. These settlements are casting aside the sick and the weak, like they are leaving them for offerings or something. There's no mercy in their eyes anymore, it's a harsh and empty world, everyone only thinking of survival.
Garrett can't sustain himself on these sickly humans. The compassionate side of him takes their lives, putting them out of their pain and misery, but they aren't enough for him. We are going North. I need to make the compromise for him, and even though I haven't agreed to go to Washington, we need to move on from this wretched place. There's nothing we can do to help the humans. I can't help but feel afraid for Charlie. If this is what is to become of the population, I'm starting to hope he died along with most of the lucky people in the world.
We're still in Texas. It's been a week since we made the decision to leave, but we've hit a snag. Well, not so much as a snag, but a few unwelcomed stragglers. It's my fault, with Garrett not as strong as we would like him to be, and me, well, I'm a pathetic vampire, really. I have no strength, or speed, or any powers to speak of which makes me pretty vulnerable to our kind. We ran into a couple of vampires. We left them as quickly as we encountered them, but Garrett is not convinced they are gone. He believes they're following us, or 'herding' us and we're going to have some trouble headed our way. We're in hiding at the moment, hoping things die down and they move on once they realize we're pretty much harmless and not after their food source.
.
WE'RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE. There are three of them, at first we thought there was only two which Garrett figured he could take them if it came to a fight, but he's not so sure with three. He's never taught me to fight, and I don't think he wants to take the chance. I feel like such a burden, more than when I was a human. At least then, I knew my own body, I knew my limitations, but now I'm just as pathetic as I was then.
They keep talking about a woman named Maria. Garrett knows of her, says she's an old one, and dangerous and unpredictable. He's worried, and all because of me. He's had to convince them we're mates, telling me to play along. I know the seriousness of the situation we're in, so this time I've listened. They've asked we come with them to meet this Maria, but Garrett politely refused. Unfortunately, they've insisted. She's recruiting again, Garrett tells me, whatever that means.
.
I UNDERSTAND WHY THIS journal was so important to Garrett, especially now. Days and nights have become one. Alice, your brother was right, time is endless, and down here, even more so. Having this book back in my hands has given me more comfort than I ever thought imaginable. It's like seeing an old friend again, and given me a spark of hope that I will see Garrett soon. Speaking of friends, I think I've made one, or as close to a friend as possible down here. He's the one who gave this back to me. He's a little frightening, most of the other vampires are afraid of him, but for some odd reason he has taken a liking to me. He's an odd little fellow, this Isaac, but I'm happy to have someone on my side, despite how terrifying he can be. I've always known about these 'extra' abilities vampires have. But I thought they were more passive, like yours, and Jasper's and even Edward's. I've come to realize that's not the case. Some of them are rather frightening, mine included.
We've been separated. The vampires with 'potential'—which I guess includes me even though I haven't been able to reproduce what happened the day she took us—are kept apart from the others. All I know is that the other "workers" as she calls them, are building more tunnels in this cavern. Already it's an endless maze of corridors, so I can't imagine what's being built further in the underbelly of this place, and to what purpose?
Isaac assures me Garrett is here with me, but I've yet to see him. It's odd, but I believe Isaac, and not because I trust him, but I feel Garrett here. I can't explain it, but I know he's nearby. He must have had my journal the whole time, even though I don't know how he would have kept it from her…Maria that is. I think he knows the value of it and its contents. I should destroy it, but I can't bring myself to and Garrett must have risked a lot to get it to me. His note on the next page has said it all.
Rise Phoenix.
G
I have to learn to harness this power inside of me. I have to use it to get us free. All this time I've been resisting everything Maria has asked of me. No longer. It's my time now.