CHAPTER 27
-:- There's No Place Like Home -:-
2016 -:- Present Day
Love is a drug.
I'd heard that expression many times over the years, but never having experienced drugs or love, I didn't truly understand what it meant. I'd seen junkies and drug addicts; I'd heard their racing heartbeats as they took their next hit, so I understood that part of it. But love … that was the other part of the equation. I'd never been in love while I was a human. I never had the sweaty palms, or felt the rush of blood to my ears, or had the feeling like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. My body had never known those things, so how could I know what love really felt like? The only thing I did know was that my body remembered being around Bella. It felt the pull of her. It felt her every move, like magnets, and whenever she started to get further away from me while we ran toward Forks, my body would sense it. I'd panic and seek her out, needing to be closer and to get my fix. Like a junkie, I couldn't be without her … not ever again or it would surely kill me.
We were waiting at the end of the road that led to the house. Bella refused to go any further until she knew for certain who was at the house. The only way to do that was for me to move closer so I was in range to check, which would have left her alone for a few short minutes, and I wasn't' about to take that risk. I couldn't let her out of my sight. Despite what had happened back at the cabin the day before, I didn't trust her enough to stay. And it was because of what happened at the cabin I knew she'd go after Maria on her own. She hadn't changed that much in the last ten years. She would sacrifice herself if it meant saving the rest of us. She'd been this other person, so hard and uncaring, for so long, but it wasn't who she really was. Even though she hadn't said the words, I was starting to believe she loved me. What burned between us was alive, and she knew it and I think it frightened her even more than it did me.
"Bella, there's no one there. It's late, no one from the compound stays after dark. And if they are there, they won't even hear us coming. We'll take it slow. I'll know who's there before we're anywhere near the house."
"You don't know that. What if Charlie's there? It's too risky," she said.
"We can go unnoticed to the human eye," I said, rolling my eyes at her stubbornness. "I'm not leaving you here. I know what's running through your head, and it's not Charlie. You can't turn back now. We're here." I kissed the back of her hands, lingering a little longer than was necessary, rubbing my thumbs over her skin. "Please." I wanted to calm her skittishness, knowing it was just her fear of seeing the family again that was causing her second thoughts.
Edward, is it really her? Can I come down the lane?
I should have known Alice would be the first. "Alice is up the way, she wants to know if she can come down," I said quietly. Bella squeezed my hands back, harder than I'd anticipated and I winced a little at her grip. "Are you ready?"
"No. I didn't think it was possible to still get butterflies in my stomach as a vampire. With you, back in Montana, it was different. I didn't think any of it was real so I accepted it. But now that you're here beside me, they're still running rampant. I don't know what to say to her, to any of them for that matter." She looked up at me with a curious expression, expecting me to give her some insight.
"I can tell you that as nervous as you are, the family is definitely much worse."
"What if I'm not what they're expecting. What if they won't like me?"
"Bella," I cut her off, "it was over ten years ago when you said the same thing about my family the first time I brought you to this house. They loved you then, they'll love you now. You're a part of this family whether you choose to believe it or not. They've always thought of you that way."
"Okay," she said taking a deep breath. "Just tell them to go easy on me … you know, with the touching and hugging and stuff."
"I'll try, but you know how they are."
"Is it just Alice?"
"Yes, for now, the others won't be far behind her, I'm sure." She nodded her head, and I yelled out to the darkness, knowing Alice would hear me through the trees.
I thought for sure she would have been at our sides within seconds, running at lightning speed, but instead, it was minutes before she appeared at the bend in the lane. She had walked at a human's pace, and I was grateful she had chosen to take it slow. Alice was terrified. She was afraid Bella was angry with her and would never forgive her for leaving. Just another reminder of what my actions had done to everyone I loved.
Oh my God, Edward, it's her—it's really her, Alice said. She had stopped as soon as she laid eyes on Bella and was standing still, almost glowing in the moonlight. She was quiet for once, but I felt as though I could see her heart swelling in her chest.
Neither of them knew what to do, both waiting for the other to make the first move, so I took the initiative and pulled Bella along with me, walking toward Alice.
"Alice, Bella's not really comfortable with all of this. She doesn't really want to be—"
I tried to finish my sentence, but was cut short by the two of them rushing toward the other, colliding mid way. The sound of their bodies hitting echoed like thunder through the night air. They tumbled to the ground in a tangle of limbs, laughing and shrieking in pitches that no vampire ear should have to hear.
"You're not breakable!" Alice exclaimed, while Bella continued to laugh.
"I'll leave you two and go speak with the others," I said, but I wasn't even sure they heard me. It was hard for me to leave, but they were still hugging and laughing while they rolled on the ground. They needed this. Alice's head was now filled with a million questions, and explanations and apologies; it was a good thing Bella no longer needed to sleep.
Esme and Carlisle were standing on the doorstep, their arms around each other while they waited for me. Their thoughts were filled with questions as well, and excitement hoping to see Bella, but mostly they were just happy for me. Esme was so filled with joy that her family was now complete, I thought she might burst. She waited until I was a few feet from her before launching herself at me and hugging me tightly.
I'm sorry, she said over and over in her head, and I had to lift her away to look her in the eyes.
"What are you apologizing for?" I laughed.
"You knew," she said almost as if she was sniffling. "I kept pushing you, and pushing you, but you knew. You didn't want to let her go."
"Esme," I said hushing her, "it doesn't matter. None of it matters now. You were only doing what a mother would do." I looked to Carlisle for some help, and he smiled warmly at me, pulling the two of us into his arms.
"Son," he said, "it truly is a miracle in every sense."
"It is," I whispered, "more than I deserve."
"Still going on with that crap, Edward?" Emmett's voice bellowed from the hallway. "I thought all the self-loathing would finally be over." He was standing behind us and punched me lightly on the arm. "All right, where is she?" he asked.
"She's with Alice."
"Oh, man! That's going to take forever. You're braver than I thought, leaving her alone with Alice. You'll never see her again."
I noticed Rosalie standing behind Emmett, trying to catch a peek over his shoulder. She was nervous, wondering what Bella was like, and was hoping Bella had forgiven her for her past indiscretions.
"She has," I said to Rosalie.
"Stop reading my mind, Edward! It was nice these past few days not having to filter everything from you!" She huffed.
Of course it was Carlisle who would see the practicality of our sudden return and he asked the question before I needed to explain.
"Not that we aren't excited to have you back so soon, but from what Jasper told us, we didn't expect you for a few weeks at least. What's happened?" he asked, looking at the seriousness in my expression.
"Jasper's told you everything?" I raised my eyebrows in question.
"Everything, and what he didn't know, Garrett filled in the rest."
"Maria sent a scout. It won't be long before she knows where Bella is, or was."
So you lead them here? Rosalie said in her head. Great, Edward. Perfect.
"They were bound to find their way here eventually. We figure our best option is cut them off before they make it up here. We go, meet them, lead them away from here." Emmett nodded in the background with a gleam in his eye. His mind filled with the possibilities of a battle. "Where's Jasper?" I asked, but more importantly, I wanted to know where Garrett was, because where Jasper was, Garrett was sure to be with him.
"They should be back soon. They went to the compound. There's been a development with the wolves …" Carlisle said, looking at me. His thoughts turned to an angry Jacob Black.
"We're not talking about this tonight!" Esme said in a rush. "I won't have it. Tomorrow is another day, but tonight is a joyous occasion, and we only have this one night before everything gets serious again. Carlisle?" She was glaring at him, waiting for him to back her up.
"You're absolutely right. We'll save this talk for tomorrow." He kissed her forehead.
"You're right, I'm sorry, Esme." It was great to be home again. "Wait. You let Garrett go to the compound?" I asked anxiously. "But he's …"
"Relax, bro, we know. The girls went with them for any 'accidentals.' Don't worry, Jasper said he trusted him."
"Right, you let Jasper make that decision. The one with the least amount of control out of all of us, and the one who's never seen the compound. Why didn't Alice go with them?"
"You know Alice," Esme said smiling. "She refused to go, said she was needed here. Well, and I guess we know why now."
My eyes turned back to Carlisle hoping to get some more information out of him as to what was happening at the compound, but he only apologized silently, telling me Esme was right. Now was not the time to discuss all of that.
"Is there anything we should know, Edward? About Bella? Jasper told us enough, but—" Carlisle said.
"She's remarkable."
"Well, no doubt!" Emmett laughed.
"It's going to take some time though. She's wasn't open to the idea of seeing everyone. She didn't want to come, and I have a feeling she'll leave abruptly if given the opportunity."
"Oh, Edward," Esme said reaching up to my cheek. "You tell us what we need to do. Every one of us," she turned to look at Rosalie, "will make sure to do what we can."
"Truth is, I don't know. It's going to be overwhelming for her. We thought she was tough before, well …"
"Got it. So, arm wrestling is a go," Emmett said with a serious look on his face before cracking a huge grin. "Edward, lighten up! She can't be that different." He slapped me on the shoulder.
"Well, for one thing, I think she could best you, Emmett."
"Yeah, right! Like that could happen."
"All right, let's not hover on the doorstep. No point making her more anxious than she probably is. Come inside, everyone." Esme ushered us through the door telling us to sit in the living room.
So, did you do the deed? Emmett asked with a ridiculously smug grin on his face.
I was disgusted by his curiosity and said as much.
"Clearly you didn't, because you're still as uptight as ever."
"Emmett, that's enough," Esme scolded him, offering me a warm smile. All in good time, she said in her head.
"Please, don't. Everyone just stop. None of that is your business. I'd appreciate it if no one made any jokes about it either. Things are … different."
I'm sorry, Edward, Carlisle said silently. Jasper said things are going to take some time between the two of you. The important thing is you have that time now.
"Maybe not enough time."
"I thought I said we weren't going to be talking about any of that tonight? No more secret conversations between the two of you." Esme glared at Carlisle and me, sending us warning signals that she wasn't kidding.
We spent the next few hours making idle chitchat, and waiting. They filled me in on what's been happening at the compound, just silly things that had no bearing on our future. They also told me something of great interest involving Kate and her attraction to a certain new vampire. Garrett had yet to show any interest back, but it lifted my spirits immensely all the same.
I was starting to get restless. I spent the last week never leaving Bella's side for more than a few minutes, and now it'd been a few hours since I had left her with Alice.
"Told you, bro. It's going to be hours, days even. Not smart. Maybe I should go check on them." Emmett stood up, and started pacing just as restless as I was. We all were. Esme was ready to bust through the door and chase them down.
"Sit down," she said, in direct contrast to her own thoughts. "You leave them be. They have things to sort out."
"Come on! What could they still be talking about?" Emmett threw his hands up in the air and mumbled, "Women."
"Maybe someone should check on them. I could go," Rosalie offered.
We all turned to her with quizzical looks on our faces.
"What?" She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "It was over ten years ago. Get over it."
We're coming in, Alice's voice echoed in my head. I rushed to the door wanting to beat everyone at the chance. Thankfully, no one followed me. I opened the door, and Alice came rushing at me, wrapping her arms around me. She was still very emotional, humbled by Bella's forgiveness, and the two of them had evidently worked things out. If only it would be that easy for me, but I didn't deserve easy, I supposed.
We'll talk later, Alice thought, but for now, I'm just so happy.
Bella was watching the two of us, and for the millionth time, I wished I could read her mind. I couldn't even read her expression, and I suppose it was because of her nerves.
"Is Garrett here?" she asked, shyly.
"Not yet, soon though." It was hard not to be disappointed by her dependency on Garrett, but I covered my feelings as best I could. I extended my arm to her, knowing she needed some comforting courage. She wrapped herself next to my side, and Alice did the same. We all took a deep breath out of habit, while I led them toward the rest of the family.
"Where is she?" Emmett's voice came loud and clear. We rounded the corner, and he jumped out of his chair picking Bella up and swinging her around.
"I told them," I tried to explain to Bella, "about the touching, but—"
"Emmett! Put her down, you heard what Edward said," Esme said.
"Yeah, but she didn't mean me!"
"Emmett!"
"It's okay, really." Bella started to laugh as Emmett set her down. "I just forgot. You're all the hugging type. It's okay. I'm okay."
"Really?" Esme asked a little timidly, and Bella nodded. "Good." Esme had Bella in her arms in seconds and was laughing and patting her back just like a mother and her long-lost child would be. "You are an angel. Edward always said so, but now I know it's true." She pulled back and held Bella's cheeks in her hands examining her with her eyes filled with love. "You're my miracle child," she said, hugging her fiercely again.
Carlisle was next. He whispered his praises to God that his prayers had been answered. Holding Bella in his arms, he said, "I'm going to miss stitching you up, Bella. No more trips to my office." He was thinking about the last conversation he had with Bella the night of her birthday. He truly was going to miss their talks and he briefly wondered if she remembered the details of their last conversation.
"I definitely don't miss the stitches part or the broken bones, but I'm sure I can find another reason to come see you." She had a warm, but sad smile on her face while she hugged him back. Her expression faltered a little when she finally looked around the room. Pulling away from Carlisle she said with amazement in her voice, "It looks the same! Everything in here is almost as I remember it. How did you—How?" She turned in a circle taking everything in.
"Come on, Bella. It's us!" Emmett said. "Did you really think we'd be living in a shack with dirt floors?"
I couldn't help but cringe at the wrong choice of his words, and everyone else's thoughts mirrored my own. I glanced to her face, but Bella was smiling, still looking at the room. She began to laugh, until she couldn't contain it any longer, and let it all out, doubling over at the waist. It was as if a spring had sprung, and all the stress and tension and misery and pain just let itself go. Her laughter changed to borderline hysterics, and everyone's thoughts turned to concern.
Geez, I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean it.
"Bella," I said, placing a hand on her back.
"I'm fine." She shrugged my hand off of her. "I'm fine," she said again, but still laughing uncontrollably. Esme stood beside me, looking at me concerned, but all I could do was shake my head, unknowingly.
"Bella," Alice whispered touching her shoulder.
"I'm fine!" she screamed and dropped to her knees with her head in her hands.
We'll let you have some privacy, Carlisle said, silently.
Alice stayed behind, and surprisingly, so did Rosalie.
It pained me to see Bella like this, knowing I couldn't help her. I couldn't give her the comfort she needed, couldn't protect her from this. It was something I wasn't able to fix and maybe this part of her would never heal. I frantically looked to my sisters, silently pleading for help.
Edward, can I talk to her? Rosalie asked. Please, I can help.
I looked down at Bella, who was huddled on the floor like she was unaware we were even in the same room as her. My heart was breaking for her, and I didn't know how to proceed, so I let Rosalie take the lead, indebted to her for her help.
"Bella," she said gently, but with sureness in her voice. "Forget Emmett. He's still as crass as ever, ten years hasn't changed that."
Bella had stopped laughing, but her head was still in her hands. "I'm sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry." She looked up at me, and my expression must have shown my worry. "Oh, God," she said, "I'm so sorry."
I dropped to my knees, wrapping her in my arms, hushing her and letting her know it was okay. This was something I could do. I was still uneasy when it came to touching her, but sitting on the floor curled up, she looked so fragile. She let me wrap my arms around her and hold her and I was grateful for that.
"It's just … for the past ten years," she said, "I always imagined the house and it was exactly like this. The walls, the pictures, the white couches, all of it. I'd picture the family sitting around the living room just like you were. And I'm here now, and for a moment I thought nothing had changed." She looked into my eyes, and her own were filled with so much grief. "But everything's changed," she whispered, her voice strained. "I've done all those things. I killed all those people, and I can't take it back. I don't deserve to be here. Things were done—"
"We've all done things," Rosalie said, stopping her from going any further. "Things we're not proud of. Sometimes you're not given a choice, and sometimes vengeance is the only way back from it." Rosalie was thinking about a time long ago when Carlisle found her while she was still human. Her body beaten and broken, violated and left for dead. She was thinking of the punishment she delivered to the men who had done it to her. "It changes you, but sometimes that change is needed to remind you you're stronger than you thought you were. I never wanted this life, mine was taken from me just as yours was. But Bella, no one in this family will ever judge you for what you've done, or even what you may do in the future. That's what being a Cullen is about. We forgive our sins. We love unconditionally. So no matter what has happened, what you've done, you'll always have a place in this family."
Bella looked up at Rosalie suspiciously; in fact both Alice and I did as well.
"B-but you—you hated me," Bella said the obvious.
"I never hated you," Rosalie shrugged, "I just didn't get it. And it was too late when I finally did. Another time, I'll share my own sins with you. We all have them. In this life it's inevitable, especially when you have eternity. You just had the misfortune of having it condensed into ten years." She smiled at Bella and reached out for her hand. "More than anyone, you deserve to be here, sister."
.
IT WAS MIDDAY WHEN I knocked on Carlisle's office door. I was hoping to talk some things through with him. I wasn't sure if I was seeking advice, or if I just needed to talk with someone about how I was feeling. It had only been a week since Jasper had walked into the living room and turned my life upside down, and I just wanted to seek out some familiarity.
How are you holding up? Carlisle looked up from his desk.
"Honestly? I don't know. I'm elated and terrified all at once."
"That's what love is all about," he said laughing. "Where is she now?" Carlisle and I hadn't had a chance to discuss anything since our return last night, but I had managed to share my concerns about Bella's plan to run off. I even went so far as to mention someone should always be with her.
"She's with Garrett, Jasper and Alice. They went hunting." It had been difficult to part with Bella, but Garrett was constantly hovering, and the two of them were enjoying their freedom. I figured it would be a good time to seek out Carlisle and find out what was happening. The evening had been just as Esme had wanted it to be. Garrett, and the rest of the family, had returned shortly after Bella's upset, and she seemed to relax with him around. The night was filled with laughter and more importantly, love. With fourteen people it was hard to get a word in, everyone was fascinated with Bella and everyone wanted to bend her ear. We hadn't been given a moment's rest since we arrived, there wasn't a minute that went by without someone always with us. Alice refused to leave Bella's side, and Bella refused to leave Garrett's side, and a foursome like that was an open invitation to all. It was just the first day and the excitement was still high, but I wondered what this would mean for us. We had to come back to the family, but it was too soon, we still needed time, and I didn't think we were going to get much living in a house with twelve other vampires.
"How is she holding up?" he asked more seriously.
I wasn't really sure how to answer that. "I don't know. It's overwhelming, for sure. There's so many of us. Garrett said he's never known her to break down like she did. She seems okay now, especially with him here, but I don't really know what I'm facing. I don't know how to help her."
"Her reaction last night is understandable. Her whole life has been turned upside down, considerably more so than yours. It must be overwhelming to say the least. I imagine she's had to keep up a certain persona in the last decade. Something like a protective shell, and then Jasper came along and put a major crack in it, and with you and us, I'm sure it feels like it's crumbling down all around her.
"She's the best of us," he added. "From what Garrett shared, sounds as though she had no trouble controlling her thirst as a newborn. I find that fascinating, and even more so, that she went against him and her nature and chose her own path." I thought of Carlisle's own change and the starvation he went through. "To have human blood forced upon her and her so opposed to it, must have been traumatic. She wasn't given a choice. She had to kill, that's something none of us ever had to face. She truly is the best of us."
We sat like we had so many countless times before. Minutes passed and I tuned his thoughts out, concentrating on my own. I wondered about what Rosalie had said last night … about vengeance. It had been awhile since these feelings had surfaced, not since Victoria. And now I knew without a shadow of a doubt, I would give Bella the justice she deserved. Killing Victoria did bring me some sort of peace, and Bella would have that, I'd make sure of it. Maria was going to die at my hands, or I'd present Bella the opportunity if that's what she wanted.
"Your redemption has been granted," Carlisle finally said with slight amusement in his voice. My stomach clenched wondering for a moment if he had read my mind. How would he feel about the retribution I was planning on delivering?
"Why don't I feel that way? At least not yet, anyway."
"Time will prove otherwise. God spared her, Edward, which means he spared you, too." In his head he finished his sentence. He spared all of us. "But he's not going to make it easy." He clasped his hands together and I was worried by how different he looked. Something had changed with him in the last week, but he was carefully guarding it from me. "You both have a long journey ahead of you," he said. "And it's one you'll take together. You've kept your faith all this time, even when some of us did not. You believed. Now you must have hope. Hope that everything will be all right, that God has plans for each and every one of us."
He was protecting me from something, his mind was blocked to me, which was very rare with Carlisle. He never kept things from me. But I would respect his privacy and not inquire, there were some things maybe I didn't want to know. So instead, I figured it was a good as time as any to let him know what my intentions were.
"Do you think those plans involve vengeance?"
"Is that the answer? Are you hoping I'll condone it, is this what you're asking me?" He placed a finger under his chin, eyeing me speculatively. "For her or for you?"
"Both."
He thought for a moment and then said, "'Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.'" My heart sank. Just once I wanted him to see past his convictions and side with me on this. He sighed deeply, settling back in his chair, and placed his hands together once again. "But in this case, I'm inclined to agree with the other good book: 'an eye for an eye.'" We sat across from each other, staring, locked in each other's resolve. A brief smirk crossed his face as he realized he'd finally given in to me. I'd been expecting an argument, but instead he'd given me his blessing, so to speak. He wanted a reckoning as much as I did. His smile faltered and his expression turned grave. "She's going to turn the world into a darker place than it already is. I can't have that. Call it God's work or what have you, but this is my purpose, just as it is yours." This is my burden, he added as an afterthought.
As much as I was elated to hear his confession, his conviction frightened me. At what cost would we or he do this? "Do you think we can beat Maria?" I asked.
He didn't answer me, not even in his head. He didn't want to give a voice to something we both knew was impossible. The fourteen of us could not defeat Maria's army. We had to think of another way or everyone we cared about would be lost. We'd fail.
Eventually he broke my stare and said, "Well, we'll give her one hell of a fight."
I lifted up Bella's journal, forgetting I'd carried it with me into his office. "Bella said I could share this with you. For strategy purposes. She wrote of her training and how Maria seeks out vampires with special powers. It's grim, Carlisle. We have to stop her. Not one of them can get past us to the compound. She'll kill them all, or turn them, but no one will be spared."
2008 -:- Bella's Journal
I should have been counting the days while I was down here. I vaguely remember watching a television program about survival and how to stop yourself from going mad is to remember what day it is. Not sure how I could have though, there's no sunlight down here to mark the days. Does this mean it's inevitable I'll go mad?
I have a hiding place for this journal, and I've instructed Isaac that if something should happen to me, he's to return it to Garrett, or he should destroy it. I wanted to tell him to find you, Alice, and give this to you so you would be warned for what's coming, but why would a psychic need a warning? I wonder if you see me sitting here in the dark scribbling frantically while I write all this in hiding. Or do you see me fighting? I hope not, I'm a hopeless fighter. I've yet to win a match. My only saving grace is what happened on the surface. Maria has instructed all the vampires they are not to inflict any permanent damage on me. Lucky me.
Still no sign of Garrett. I'm getting worried. If Maria was smart, she'd use him against me, and I find myself wondering why she hasn't yet.
I'm hungry. The thirst is starting to become unbearable. I refuse to drink human blood and Maria refuses to give me any alternatives. The drive for blood is relentless. It's all I can think about, so this is the reason I write. It's the only distraction I have. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. This is where Garrett would tell me not to beat myself up over it, that it's inevitable, but he's not here, and in my head I only see Carlisle, or you.
I continue to get weaker, the other vampires continue to grow stronger. We've been put through so many tests. We are the "potentials" she says, waiting for our powers to fully manifest. She pits us against one another in a series of tests, sometimes physical, sometimes not. She's testing me to see how far she has to go for me to tap into whatever is inside me again.
Yesterday, it happened.
Isaac came to take me to the 'training room' just like he usually did every day. It was different this time, though. He was anxious about something. Before he left me, he grabbed my arm and leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Yuh be in trubble. Jus' du wha' de Missus aks." He met my eyes, as though he was willing me to accept the gravity of what he was telling me and then he was gone.
I could smell the blood long before I turned the corner. My body was screaming for it. Every nerve was alive. The heartbeats thundered in my ears as I stood outside the cavern. I could hear the blood rushing through their veins, and it felt as though my body was swaying to the sound of it. I stopped myself from breathing it in. It didn't help much, but it was all I could do to stop myself from rushing inside and taking a life. I wanted the blood. I needed it.
Maria was waiting for me. I had no doubt this spectacle was for me. I turned the corner to find exactly what I'd been dreading. The room was filled with humans huddled along the far wall, dozens of them, filthy and malnourished and whimpering with terror in their eyes.
Maria took one glance at me, smiled and addressed the other vampire on the opposite side of the cavern.
"Some of you have pleased me more than I could have imagined. You'll be rewarded handsomely." Her voice echoed along the rock walls. She was standing in the centre of the room, gleaming with pride with what she had planned. "Others", her eyes focused on me, "need a little motivation. I believe today is that day." She raised her hand, and my eyes settled on a vampire who moved toward the humans clumped together in the corner. There were screams and yells as he reached into the centre of them and pulled out something I hadn't been expecting. A child.
She looked about six or seven, it was hard to tell with all the dirt on her face. Her hair was matted against her head, caked in filth and…blood? The vampire set her down next to Maria and stepped back in line. The shouts and protests continued to rise from the humans, a woman was screaming hysterically, but was quickly silenced by the guards. The only sound was the sniveling of the child. This was a dream, was all that kept racing through my mind. A child in this place was beyond horrifying and it was too hard to accept the reality of it. This was no place for her and I wanted to reach out and run and take her away from this. I opened my mouth to speak, but the scent of her blood rushed through my nose. My need to protect her was overshadowed by my need to feed. I forced myself to look in her face and choked off my airway again.
"Phoenix, I see from your reaction you're upset by this child," she said with a devilish smile. "Don't tell me you care for her?" The vampires in the room snickered at her insinuation.
"No, Maria," I lied.
Up until now, I hadn't witnessed any of the killings. The victor was always taken away for their prize. It didn't mean I wasn't aware it was happening. I heard the cries, I smelled the blood. I just hadn't seen it yet.
"I see we are going to have to teach you to lie better, too." She sighed. "There's so much to do with you. I'm not sure if it's worth it. Are you worth it?" Her eyes leveled with my own. "I've yet to see anything that would indicate as much. I'm giving you all of these opportunities to learn, and you've given me nothing in return. I think that's rather selfish, wouldn't you say?"
I didn't answer her, not sure how I should answer. I wanted to tell her where she could shove her opportunities, but I didn't think my life expectancy would last very long.
"Wouldn't you say so!" she yelled and shook the child by the neck causing her to cry out.
"Yes!" I said quickly. "Yes, I'm selfish."
"See? Motivation. I knew we'd find it." She turned to her audience and they laughed along with her.
"Would you like me to spare this child?"
"Yes."
"That's what I thought. What would you do to save this child?"
I remained where I was, knowing full well she would tell me what she expected from me. She reached down to the child's wrist and quickly snapped it like it was a breadstick in her hand. The child screamed out in pain and the humans at the back of the cavern struggled against their captors wanting to save her.
"Anything! I'll do anything you want."
"That's better." I knew what she was doing, she was trying to tap into my emotions to see how far she could go, like that day in the courtyard. She wanted to see what it would take to make it happen again. I wasn't sure if I could do it. I was too weak to gather up that kind of strength again. She must have been thinking the same thing. "You want to save this child, I want you to feed. Think of it as a compromise. Don't you think that's fair?"
No, I didn't think that was fair! She wanted me to kill someone to save someone. She was sick and twisted. Victoria was a piece of cake compared to this one.
Maria snapped her fingers and the woman who had been calling out to the young girl was brought forward. They couldn't have been mother and child, they didn't look anything alike, but she obviously cared for the girl. Maria allowed the woman to pick her up and she soothed her tears, gently holding the girl's broken arm.
"Please," she said, looking from me to Maria to the child. "She's just a child."
Could I take a life to save the child? No. Even as their blood raced just below their skin, I knew I couldn't. My body was screaming out for it, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't take a life. I tried to convince myself it was more humane for the child to die than to suffer down here waiting for the next time Maria offered her up for dinner. The child didn't stand a chance. It would be years before she would be old enough to be turned, if she even would be. It was better she died.
"I can't," I finally said, knowing I wouldn't be able to do it.
Maria laughed wickedly. "How did I know you were going to say that? It's comforting I know you so well. So well, in fact, I thought of another motivating factor for you to feed."
Garrett was dragged in by four vampires—it had taken four to subdue him. "Don't do it, Nix!"
"Garrett!" I shouted, relieved to finally see him, even under these circumstances.
"Whatever she asks, don't you do it."
Maria was grinning at me, while the vampires did her bidding, placing the child and the woman in front of me. "Think of it as a buffet. You can choose all you can eat, or be modest with your meal, but no one leaves the buffet without sampling something."
"What would you have me do?" I asked through clenched teeth. I'd stopped breathing again, trying to stop the venom from pooling in my mouth.
"Simple. Take the woman, or the child, whichever, I don't really care, but you will feed or your precious Garrett dies."
"Don't, Nix. Not like this. I know what I said, but not like this."
He looked me in the eyes, begging me not give in to her. He was right, she would never stop. She'd continue to use him anytime she wanted me to do something, but what choice did I have? I searched inside of me for that voice, telling me to fight back, but it wasn't there this time. Maybe I was too weak, or maybe my body was too busy battling my brain.
I needed to feed, I was aching for it.
"How bad do you want me?" I asked her. "How much am I worth to you?"
"Not much, right now."
"You saw what I can do. I know you want that. You can kill him, but then you'll never have what I have."
She eyed me, like she was appraising me. "You're right, little Phoenix. I'm not finished with you just yet. But my patience is running thin. I've become quite the collector, but you, unfortunately, have given me nothing. I'll need something to keep his head attached to his body. If not," she shrugged, "you'll both be taken to the pits."
There was cheer and laughter by the other vampires in the room. I didn't know what these 'pits' were, but from the sound of it, I didn't think Garrett and I wanted to visit them.
Maria grabbed the woman, dragging her forward. She scratched the woman's neck and the blood began to trickle down its side. It was inches from my face, but I wasn't going to take a breath. It was the rush of the woman's blood through her veins that was unbearable, not the scent of it. The room had erupted in more screams and cries, but nothing outweighed the beating of her heart. My hands were shaking, but I held back.
"Drink," she said, grinning at me, waiting for me to give in to the pull of the blood, but I didn't. I couldn't.
"You're stronger than I thought," Maria snarled. "If it's not blood you want, what is it, then? Perhaps it's the child that I can tempt you with."
She let go of the woman who was pleading with me to save them. She was crying out to each one of the vampires to help her, but the blood was flowing faster while her adrenalin kicked in, and it wasn't helping her cause. Everyone was devastatingly hungry.
Maria cradled the child in her arms, stroking her head, giving her soothing words of comfort. She looked up at me with that malicious grin of hers, then sunk her teeth into the child's wrist. She tasted her blood, just briefly, and then stopped. My heart sank.
Every vampire in the room gasped, and Garrett struggled against the guards who still held him. "It's forbidden, Maria! You can't do that!"
She laughed. "It's not me, it's your lover, Garrett. She's done this. I'll end the child's life when she drinks. If she chooses not to, this one," she held out the child who had now started to scream from the burning in her veins, "will continue on her way. What will it be?"
"Nix, you have to. It's not right. There're no children for a reason. You have to do it. It'll be okay. It's not your burden to bear. You don't have a choice."
The blood from the woman and the child were overwhelming to my senses. It truly was unbearable.
"It ends here," I spat out, in between the screams from the child. "If I do this, there'll be no more. I'll cooperate."
"It ends here," Maria repeated.
It had to be done, to save the girl. I was saving them in the end. These were my thoughts as I sank my teeth into the woman's neck. They sliced through her skin easier than I'd thought they would. She didn't feel it, not even the pull of her blood as it left her body sliding down my throat. The flavor was strong, much stronger than anything I had tasted up until this moment. It radiated warmth throughout my entire body, causing a fire inside that had never been there before. This was the difference Garrett had been trying to tell me, there was nothing like it. Nothing could compare to the taste or the sensation as it spread through my body. My eyes rolled back in my head, relishing the taste of the…human. They snapped back open, realizing what I was doing. The woman's heartbeat was fading, she was dying, and I had killed her. Her heart stopped, her body went limp while Maria watched with a gleam in her eye. I had given in to her, I was hers now, but the worst part of it was that my body still wanted more.
"I did what you asked of me," I said wiping my mouth. I gently laid the woman down to the ground, cradling her neck even though I knew she was dead.
"Yes, you did. I knew I'd find something." She made no attempt of following through with her part of the deal.
"Then end it."
She eyed me for a few seconds, then smiled again with a snarl. "I think I'll keep this one." She placed the screaming child in the arms of the vampire next to her. The venom had started to spread, and I compulsively shuddered remembering what that burning felt like. "Take her to my chamber."
"You promised!"
"I did no such thing."
"You said you'd stop it! You can't do this."
"Can't? I can do anything I want." She moved quickly, standing inches from my face. "Think of her as a memento. Every time you see her, you'll be reminded of this moment. Never defy me again. Let's hope for the other's sake the child will weigh heavily on that precious conscience of yours."
Anger was all I felt. The blood from the woman was coursing through my veins and it lit a fire causing a knot in my stomach. It was filled with flame and fury. It was the core of everything I had become since the day Edward had left me in the woods. I was enraged. At Edward for leaving me, for Charlie for giving me up, Victoria for killing my mother…everything came flooding back, and I was tired of feeling the misery. I needed to embrace the anger, use it and protect myself from the sorrow that had nestled itself deep within me.
Maria had moved to the center of the room. Her back was to me while she continued to appraise the other humans. With the fury and the human blood inside of me, I felt powerful and unafraid, like nothing could touch me. I leapt, but underestimated how slow and weak I still was; her guards had been expecting it. Garrett's yells echoed around the room as they lunged for me. I shut my eyes bracing for the impact, but it never came. Slowly, one by one I opened my eyes. The guards were a foot away from me, trying to reach for me, but they couldn't. It was the strangest thing, like watching a mime perform; as though they were pushing an invisible box, or pressing against an invisible wall. As hard as they tried, they couldn't move it.
Maria's hands slowly clapped together, laughing her maniacal laugh. "Oh, Phoenix!" She raised her arms in the air, grinning at me. "You'll do fine, little bird. Just fine." She turned back to the humans, her arms still spread wide. "The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise!" she quoted with her arms raised high in the air. "Yes!" She spun around to face me with her hungry eyes, looking at me as though I were her next meal. "This is what I've been waiting for. This is something new…"
I glanced in Garrett's direction and he looked as shocked as I felt, but he was smiling. We both knew what this meant.
There was still hope.
As quickly as it had come, the shield or invisible field, or whatever it was, was gone. I couldn't sustain it, just like last time. The two vampires were leery of me, but they gripped me tightly waiting for Maria's instructions. I wasn't as drained as the last time, but I still felt a little unsteady, and I let them hold me up. I had no idea how I had tapped into it, but I was beginning to realize it had something to do with my emotions.
"I suppose you'd like a reward for that meager display?" Maria asked.
"The child."
"No."
"Then I want Garrett to stay with me," I said, taking a chance with her present delight.
"You've done well, little bird. Very well. But not that well. Guards," she flicked her hand, "take him back. Say your goodbyes." Garrett was forcibly removed from the chamber. "Ta-ta." Maria waved.
He didn't say anything, but I knew the look he was giving me and I was reminded of the note he left me in my journal. I would get us out of here.