CHAPTER 29
-:- All Good Things Come To He Who Waits -:-
2016 -:- Present Day
You two have been back for one day and look what's happened already. It's just like the old days," Emmett said as he stripped off his mud covered clothes. Esme didn't want any of us tracking it in through the house and made us get cleaned up in the garage. Only Emmett and I were left to wash the traces of the game off of our skin, everyone else retired inside with Quil, Embry and Jacob.
"Man, I could really use that hot shower right about now," he said as he lifted a bucket of water over his head.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, laughing a little.
"I'm just saying … a nice hot shower with Rosalie would be kinda nice right now, but instead, I'm standing here with your sorry ass with a bucket and this nasty rain water."
"That's not what I meant."
He looked at me confused for a second and then realized I had meant his earlier comment. "Oh, come on. You two are disaster magnets. It's never a dull moment when you and Bella are together."
"You really think that? We're a disaster?"
"I never said you were a disaster, I meant you seem to attract disaster wherever you go."
"A lot has happened in a week."
"A lot has happened since we came back to this house. Maybe it's just this place," he said, throwing another bucket of water over himself.
I watched him absently for a few minutes while he scrubbed the mud off. I was lost in my own head not really paying attention to him. At least not until the bucket of water came splashing down over me.
"I know what you're thinking, Edward, and just forget it. Stop over-analyzing everything."
"You don't know what I'm thinking."
"Yeah, it's written all over your face. You're back to all that self-doubt crap. I know you, brother, and you know I didn't mean anything by what I said. It was a joke."
"I know, it's just—I thought it was a good idea to bring Bella here, and let her see Charlie, but now I'm not so sure. You saw Jacob's reaction, and he knows what we are. What she is."
Emmett grabbed a towel and wiped his face. "Yeah, but you have to admit she looked a little frightening standing up on that hill with the wind and the rain coming down. Like she was some demon coming back from the dead."
I rolled my eyes at him, and gave him a sardonic look.
"Oh, right." He laughed, drying the rest of himself. "But the wolves are different. You're not going to break it to Charlie like that. I'd think you'd have a little more tact. Me … maybe not, but you, you'll have analyzed every angle and every decision, and probably the position of the sun and the cycle of the moon." He snapped the towel and caught me on the arm. "Edward, it's been less than a week. Give it some time. Let's just deal with the wolves first, then we can think about all of that." He went to snap the towel again, but I caught it, ripping it out from his hand.
"You need to lighten up. What happened to the brother that was on my team today? Where'd he go?" he asked, walking toward the door to the house. "Tell him I want him back."
Staring at the towel in my hand, I thought about his words. Today had truly been an amazing day. All of our worries were pushed aside and for the first time in ten years we had 'played.' It was liberating to just be in the moment, something none of us had done since before that drastic vision of Alice's. Looking down at my clothes, I realized there wasn't an inch that wasn't covered in mud. They probably weren't even salvageable. I slowly stripped off my wet shirt, shaking some of the mud from my hair in the process. I placed my hands on the edge of the rain barrel and squeezed the rim lightly. I wasn't in any hurry to go inside. I should have been the first one to clean up so I could sit with Jacob and the others while they reminisced with Bella, but I had been stalling. I didn't want to hear his thoughts anymore. I had heard enough on the field, and the last thing I wanted to do was pity Jacob Black. Seeing Bella again had shattered him. His initial anger at the thought we had turned her was short-lived. Carlisle managed to explain how Jasper found her, and he invited the wolves back to the house so she could tell the rest of her story.
I wanted to give Jacob some privacy to his thoughts, at least until he could get them under control. He'd been fighting back tears of anger, relief, sadness and a whole gamut of other emotions which Jasper confirmed. I knew what he was going through and I respected him enough to give him his space. After all these years, seeing her again and to see her like one of us—his enemy—was going to take some time to get used. He was battling his own demons.
Lifting the bucket, I poured the water over my head. I knew it was cold, and my mind wandered, thinking about how the humans handled the cold water. To us, hot water was the preference, but it didn't make a difference, we didn't really feel it. But I had to admit, Emmett's idea of a hot shower was an interesting idea I hadn't really given much thought to until today, and that had everything to do with Bella.
I wiped my face with the washcloth, and dipped it back into the water, absently wiping my arms while I thought about the future. If we survived this, what would we do? Would we stay in Forks? Was it even possible? We were starting to make a life for ourselves here, more so than before the bombs. Maybe we were getting too close to the people at the compound. We couldn't stay here forever, eventually we'd have to leave again. Even though I wanted to ease Charlie's pain, maybe having Bella see him wasn't the best idea.
Edward?
I didn't begrudge her from seeking me out, but I wasn't ready to go back inside.
Esme sent me to come find you, Tanya said silently from the doorway.
I nodded, not saying anything, and returned to washing the mud out of my hair. She moved to my side and placed a hand on my arm.
Let me help.
I hesitated for a second, not sure if I wanted her help, not sure if I wanted her washing my hair while I was standing here with no shirt on, lost in thoughts of the future.
"It's okay, I got it."
"Relax," she said, smiling. "You've missed some." Her thoughts were only of helping me and I saw in her head the clump of mud at the back of my neck.
Two people in less than a few minutes had told me I needed to relax, so I nodded again, giving in and bent over the barrel.
She poured the bucket of water over my head, and the drops trickled down the side of my neck and back. She began the tedious task of washing the mud from my hair. She was taking her time. Her thoughts betrayed her though, and I saw what she wanted to talk to me about.
"She's wonderful," Tanya said, softly. "I can see why you never wanted anyone else. Looks like you may get your fairy-tale ending after all." Her tone was kind, not mocking at all. "If there's anyone who deserves it, you do, Edward."
I stood up and turned to face her. Her eyes were sad, and instinctively, I raised my hand to cup her cheek. She leaned into it, letting out a deep breath.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly jealous," she said. "A part of me had hoped you'd come to your senses and just accept that you and I were one in the same, that you'd eventually seek me out." Her mouth turned up briefly and then fell. "But now I know why. Your heart was filled, not even an inch to spare for someone like me."
"Tanya …"
"Don't. I just wanted to say my peace. I'm really happy for you." We stayed that way for a few breaths more, until eventually she asked, "Do you think I'll ever have what you have?" She closed her eyes, and sighed. "Or did I use up my chance all those years ago?"
I rubbed her cheek with my thumb and leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. "I never thought I would ever say this, but faith is a powerful thing. I've been on both sides of it, and believe me, it's better to have hope than live a lifetime without it."
A voice cleared behind us, and I saw Bella standing in the doorway in Tanya's mind. Tanya stepped away from me looking down at her feet and apologized to me in her head. We hadn't done anything wrong, and I felt no guilt over what had just transpired. I slowly turned to see Bella fidgeting in the doorway, one eyebrow raised.
"Everyone is wondering where you are. I came to see what was taking so long." She sounded a little upset, but she was trying very hard to hide it.
"It's my fault," Tanya said. "I'm sorry." She walked toward the door, trying to squeeze past Bella, and before she left she placed a hand on Bella's arm. "Don't waste a second," she said, and then she was gone.
Bella turned slightly, her gaze resting on Tanya's back. She paused for a moment, watching Tanya walk away and then she faced me again. There was nothing there to betray what she was thinking, only an expressionless mask. It had been so easy to read Bella when she was human: the blush of her cheeks, the quickening pace of her heart and even the sweat on her palms. There was none of that now and I didn't know what she was thinking. It wasn't what it had looked like, and as Bella's face softened while she walked toward me, I realized I didn't need to explain anything. What Bella and I had was beyond petty jealousies, something I needed to be reminded of. If Bella had wanted Garrett, she would be with him. I supposed it was the same with me and Tanya. I had been blinded from the similarities.
"Hi."
"Hi." I smiled, leaning around her to get a towel. She grabbed the edge of it and stood on her toes to place it around me. She glanced up at me hesitantly and then quickly looked away. Her eyes were leveled at my chest. Water was slowly trickling down and dripping from my hair, while my arms hung loosely at my sides waiting for her to make the first move.
She started at the base of my neck, slowly moving the edge of the towel along my throat, gently wiping away the mud and the water droplets. I'd stopped breathing, staring down at the top of her head willing her to look up at me. She continued to use the towel to dry my skin while I ached for her hands to touch me. When she finished, she let the towel slip from my shoulders and it fell to the floor. She leaned forward placing her forehead on my bare chest. I felt her breath against my skin and I fought the urge to shiver.
She rested her hands on the waistband of my pants, inching them upward, like she was memorizing every line, every ridge along my stomach. Her palms were flat against my skin, and the sensation as she trailed her fingers upward was testing my willpower to stay motionless. When her hands finally reached my shoulders she looked up into my eyes.
"You're beautiful," she said breathlessly. She placed two soft kisses, one on either side of my chest. She lingered a little longer on the second one and this time I couldn't help but shudder in response. She took a step back, her eyes dark, and I could only assume mine mirrored hers.
"They're waiting for us," she said.
I wanted to say, "Let them wait," and she must have read it from my expression for she laughed in return.
"We'll have our time soon. You're not getting away this time. I've waited ten years for this … for you. You can't turn me down again."
"You think I didn't want you." I chuckled, shaking my head. "Bella, I would've taken you again and again if I thought you would have survived it. You surely would have died at the hands of me." I winked at her and intentionally flexed my muscles.
She laughed out loud, almost a bit of a snort and said, "That's no longer a problem. We'll see who survives this time. I have every intention of getting what I want." Her voice trailed off as she kissed my chest again.
"Is that a promise?"
"I'm liking this side of you, Edward Cullen. I would've thought you'd be proposing marriage to make it right or something along those lines." She waved her hand, rolling her eyes.
My face must have dropped at the casual mention of marriage. It had crossed my mind, especially today at the football game. I wanted her to be my wife—to be mine in every way possible.
"Oh," she said, her voice a little disappointed.
"I'm not saying I want to right away, but I do want to marry you. If anything to prove to you I'm not going anywhere. We're one, you and I."
"Let's take this one step at a time. Okay? Marriage … that's … well let's just say I haven't thought about that word in over a decade. It just wasn't a part of my vocabulary, and like everything else, it's going to take some time to get used to." She looked at me questioningly. "Do you–do you want to wait for marriage?" she asked.
"God, no!" I blurted out without thinking. "I mean … do you?"
"No more waiting." She placed her arms around my waist and leaned into me. "Well, except for some privacy. Not anywhere in the vicinity of Emmett or Alice, okay?"
I laughed at that. "Definitely not." I held her tightly to me and whispered into her hair, "What prompted all of this?"
"Today was a good day."
"Yes, it was." I let her go so I could look into her eyes. "Only you, Bella."
It wasn't lost on me she didn't return the sentiment. I'd never asked about what I'd read in her journal and she'd never explained it any further. Bella Swan was with me, here and now, and as far as I knew she'd never been with another man. It was the other part of her, her alter ego, whom I didn't know that might have sought out comfort. Maybe I was being naïve, or maybe I just didn't care. No one was the bad guy here, not me for leaving her, and not Garrett for offering comfort when there was none to be had. It didn't mean I wasn't bothered, but like with everything in the past, it couldn't be changed. She was here with me now, and this was just the start.
"Put a shirt on before I change my mind about Emmett," she said, leaning over for a clean shirt Esme left for me.
"Has Jacob finally calmed down?" I asked, throwing it over my head.
"I suppose the initial shock has worn off. He's a stranger to me, though. I mean, I remember him, but I don't. He hasn't spoken much. The other two have done all the talking."
"Jacob and I don't exactly see eye to eye."
"That's obvious."
"But we need him. He's the pack leader and has the respect of a lot of people in the compound. Not sure if you remember, but he had quite a thing for you." She rolled her eyes at me. "In fact, all the boys at school did."
"Edward …" She was still in my arms and twisted to get free, but I held her tight.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but go easy on Jacob. I'm sure this isn't easy for him." She nodded and looked down at her feet.
"It's not easy for any of us," she said and there was nothing else to say to that.
I stripped off my pants and changed into the dry jeans left behind. They were at least an inch too short and must have been Eleazar's jeans.
Bella raised an eyebrow looking at the floods I was now sporting. "This is a first. I've never seen you in anything that wasn't tailored to fit you." She stood across from me with her arms folded, smirking at my bare, white feet sticking out from my jeans.
"Lots of firsts." I picked her up and spun her around. Her arms were tucked into her sides so she couldn't move them. I peppered her face with kisses before setting her down again. "Times are tough. Alice doesn't manage my wardrobe anymore because there isn't one to manage. I see she dug something up for you, though." I held her at arm's length admiring the simple blue shirt Alice had given her, and the slim fitting jeans. "These look brand new. Where on earth did she dig these up?"
"Well, they were mine. She said she'd been holding on to them all this time. She couldn't let them go." Of course Alice had held on to them, I shouldn't have been surprised. None of us had really let Bella go.
.
WE WALKED HAND IN hand back to the living room, where Esme and Carmen had managed to put on quite a spread for the wolves. They had biscuits, nuts, apples baked in cinnamon and some of the coveted concentrated apple juice. In terms of an apocalyptic world, it was some treat and the wolves were appreciative.
Their minds were relatively at ease, having heard Bella and Garrett's stories. Of course they had a million questions about the vampire army, but they had been waiting patiently for me and Bella to return. The room was crowded, and smelled horrific, and even though we were on friendly terms, there was still an underlying tension in the air. I doubted it would ever go away.
Embry threw some nuts into his mouth, chewed for a second and then asked, "So, how is it you think this is our problem?"
"We don't," I said without thinking and then cleared my throat. "Not at all. We just wanted to warn you what may be coming if we fail."
The room fell silent for a moment, some of us knowing the chances of that were very high.
Garrett felt the need to explain. "Maria's always had big plans, even back in the beginning. She has every intention of moving north. She's just being careful right now. Vampires, especially ones like Maria, have no concept of time. She's waiting for the right moment, then she'll spread like a plague. You need to be ready to move your people, go into hiding."
"We're not moving. The people won't move," Embry said.
"Then you'll die." Bella said it without any emotion attached to it. The wolves laughed and snickered, none of them accepting the gravity of her words.
"Or worse," Jasper added, his thoughts turning to the death matches he had witnessed.
Jacob had remained silent all this time. I wasn't used to seeing him like this. He hadn't laughed or reacted with the others. His thoughts were of a more serious nature. He was weighing the options and wondering how any of this was possible. He'd noticed Bella's scars, and he'd seen how much she had changed. Gone was the young teenage girl he had a crush on when he was fifteen years old. One glance at Bella had told him she was never destined to be his, no matter how much he'd always thought she might have been. They were worlds apart now, and he was fighting the wolf side of him. She was just another vampire, his enemy, and hearing her speak just now compounded that. He wanted to look past it, for Charlie's sake, but he was having a difficult time distinguishing the two sides of him. The wolf side of him wanted us gone and considered each of us no better than the vampires in Maria's army. But the human side of him saw Bella and had listened to her story and wanted revenge just like the rest of us.
"I appreciate your frankness," Jacob said, "and for including us in this, but Embry's right. Our people won't go. No one will pick up and move. Thank you, Eleazar, for offering a place in Alaska, but it's not going to happen. To even be considered, we'd need Charlie on our side. He's the only one who could convince the people, and he'll have questions and expect answers."
Bella looked down at her feet at the mention of Charlie and gripped my hand tightly. "Does Charlie know about you?" she asked.
"No, but he's suspected things for some time now. I doubt he's come to the conclusion of werewolves," Jacob chuckled, "but he's asking more and more of the right questions. Especially since the return of all of you. It's getting harder to lie. Seth grew up with the legends, and he's not oblivious to everything happening around him." Jacob looked at me. "He knows something." I nodded in return, confirming what we'd already suspected. "Seth missed his window, he's too old to turn now, but he's aware something is happening to the younger ones. If you guys stay," his teeth were clenched as he said the word, "we're going to have the entire Quileute tribe turning. They're getting younger."
"We won't be here long. You have to keep it a secret," Bella said, her voice was hard.
"Like I said, it's getting harder. Charlie doesn't know the legends. He's heard them in passing, but hasn't put any stock in them, but with Seth they are bound to start to come to some conclusions. It's only a matter of time." Jacob sat back in his chair with a sullen expression.
"Charlie can't find out," Bella said.
The silence in the room was palpable; unfortunately I was privy to everyone's minds filling with their own opinions on the matter.
"If he's going to figure it out, shouldn't we tell him first?" Carlisle asked, trying to be the mediator of the group. "We are at a crossroads here, and I don't believe we're going to have much of a choice soon. He deserves to know what's coming, and not be taken by surprise like the rest of the districts in the south. He should know the truth from us."
"It's not going to come to that," Bella said. "I won't let it."
Carlisle nodded. "I hope so too, Bella. But we need to start facing facts. There is a strong possibility that Maria's army will make it up here."
"Don't you want to see him?" Alice asked her.
"It's not a good idea."
"Why not?" Alice asked her. "Thanksgiving is coming and then Christmas is right around the corner."
"No." Bella's hand was still in mine and she was squeezing hard. It was odd, but it felt as though her hand was getting warmer, hot almost.
Alice continued, ignoring Bella. "We could have a family—"
"No, Alice." We could hear the strain in her voice. She let go of my hand and fisted them at her sides.
"But he deserves to know—"
"I said, no, Alice!" she yelled at her. Bella's hair blew around her face and it was as though a ripple passed through the room even though there was no breeze. We all felt the power behind Bella's words and it frightened some of them.
"Easy, Nix," Garrett said with his hands up. "We get it." He looked to Jasper who sent his usual calming emotion around the room and she seemed to relax a little.
This happens sometimes, Garrett said to me. She gets a little excited and things can get out of her control. Talk to her.
"Bella, Alice is only trying to help."
"She's meddling where she shouldn't. Charlie was my family." Alice looked crushed and sunk into Jasper's arms. "You don't get to make the decisions for me. I'm not that weak, pathetic human you need to protect. I get to make this decision, and my decision stands. He's got a new life and it doesn't involve me." Bella hadn't mentioned much about the news of Charlie re-marrying. I think she was happy for him, but it was hard to get any emotion out of her when it came to discussing her father.
"Bella, you're wrong about that. He's had a rough go of it," Quil said. "Bloodsucker or not, seeing you will … well …" He smiled, excited at the idea of seeing some joy in Charlie's face.
"No, it won't."
It would take some time for my family to get used to this new Bella. It wasn't that she was ruthless, she was determined. She had been on her own for so long, the only other person she had to worry about was Garrett, so having sixteen people telling her their opinions was going to be hard for her to take. She didn't want to entertain our ideas, and didn't want to hear us out.
Quil and Embry started to protest and Jacob cut them off. "Bella's right," he said. "Seeing her again, knowing she's alive will wreck him. Trust me on that one. You'll never be able to leave his sight again. If you go down to meet this Maria and don't come back? He'll never rest. It will ruin him all over again. It's not fair."
Bella gave Jake a weak smile, grateful for his support and empathy. She looked to me, willing me to understand where she was coming from. "Don't you see? It's better if he doesn't know, not right now. Maybe if we …" she trailed off.
"You're convinced you won't make it back," Esme said what Bella couldn't say. She looked over to Garrett who avoided her eyes, his thoughts matched Bella's. Esme then turned to look at Jasper who gave her a weak smile to which Esme placed a hand over her mouth. Carlisle tried to gather her in his arms but she fought against him and stood up. "He just got her back," she said, looking at each of us, and then she left the room.
Jasper spoke up."Bella has a valid point."
"Okay," I said reluctantly, and kissed Bella's hands. "Whatever your decision is, I stand by it. You're right. Losing you twice would be unbearable."
Carlisle cleared his throat. "We'll keep Bella from the compound, and Jacob, you'll have to do your best to keep anyone, especially Charlie and Seth, from the house. Use the radio if you have to or anything else to warn us someone is coming. Edward will be here to hear anyone coming up the driveway."
"How long do you think you'll stay?" Jacob asked.
"We have some training to do," Carlisle said. "It's been a long time since any of us fought one of our own, and newborns are different. We think we have some time before Maria is mobile. Bella, Garrett and Jasper have agreed to get us ready. But we need to use the house as a base for getting the word out. We need to gather as many old friends as we possibly can. Fourteen is nowhere near enough, even if we find a way to get past Maria's immortal child. She's the key. Once she's destroyed, Bella will be able to have some control over the vampires. Without her powers, we're too outnumbered as we stand. A few of us will leave, to scout out others. We have to ask you to allow more visitors, and we'll promise to keep them away from the compound." Carlisle stood up. "If you'll excuse me, I need to find my wife," he said, and followed the direction Esme went. Edward, I trust you to sort out the details.
"What kind of training?" Quil asked excitedly. "Isn't it the same?"
"No," Garrett said. "Not these newborns. They'll have the typical strength of a newborn, and they'll use their baser instincts to fight, but these have been essentially "farmed" for battle. They'll fight differently."
Embry and Quil were intrigued by the idea.
"You're welcome to watch," I offered. "It might be a good idea for you to learn how to fight them. Hopefully it will never come to that, but it's worth knowing."
Embry and Quil nodded enthusiastically, and looked to Jacob to answer. "We'd like that, thank you."
"It's settled then," I said.
"We have to get back." Jacob had ordered the pack to keep quiet about what they saw today, but having the others return without the three of them was bound to raise more suspicions.
"Bella," Jacob said quietly as he stood. "I'm real happy to see you again, even if you are a bl—sorry—one of them. I'd hug you, but frankly, you stink." He laughed. It was the first time I'd seen Jacob laugh sincerely. For a moment he was at ease, and for once he didn't think of us as his enemy. There was a far greater enemy now, and he was finally able to distinguish the difference.
.
WE SPENT THE EVENING discussing who would go where and what supplies to bring back with them. It was agreed our family would have to remain behind to avoid any questions from Charlie or the others in the compound. Eleazar's family would dispatch themselves across the country and pick up any leads on the Volturi or any other vampires that would be willing to help. It was hard to know how they would react to the news, some might welcome Maria's world. They'd have to be extremely careful as to who they sought out. Garrett, much to my relief, was going to go with them. Bella was not exactly happy, but she knew I needed to stay, and also knew I wouldn't let her go without me.
It was going to be nice to have the house to just the family again. The seven of us had been on our own for so long, it had been difficult under a crowded roof, especially for me. Having spent a week with Bella on my own, with no voices inside my head had been an unexpected vacation. Being back meant the constant throbbing from all the voices rattling around in my brain was back as well. Over the years I'd learned to block out my family for the most part. It was like I could tune them out once I learned their frequency, but that was years of practice, for others it was harder. I was looking forward to having some peace again.
Almost a week had passed since the others had left and I was standing at the window in Carlisle's office watching the women in my life wash clothes. I grinned, thinking how cliché it was. I waved at them, giving them a thumbs up, and in turn, a wet soapy sock came hurtling toward the window and landed with a 'thwap' before sliding down to the dirt below. I pointed down to the sock and through the glass said, "Looks like you'll have to wash my sock again, Alice."
The only reason they were out there and the rest of us were in here was because of a bet. Life for the most part had resumed some sort of normalcy. We were a family with equal numbers, something we'd never really experienced before. And the girls, well they formed a bond like no other I'd ever seen or could have imagined. Rosalie, Alice and Esme had formed their own protective circle around Bella, and no one, not even me, seemed to be able to break it when it was activated. It became the four of them against the four of us. They were constantly trying to test us, and push our buttons, and we were more than willing to accept their challenges. Their last attempt had landed them with the laundry from the football game. Shoes and all.
"I'm not washing your underwear!" Alice yelled back.
"It's mine or Emmett's. Take your pick." I smiled sweetly at her. "Unless you care to make another wager." My eyebrows were raised in question.
"No!" the other three responded for her.
At some point you're going to have to go to the compound, Carlisle said to me from his desk.
Turning, I nodded my head, shoving my hands in my pockets. "I'm not sure if I can do it to be honest. I'm not sure if I can be apart from her."
"I know. But Jacob can't keep making excuses for you. Sooner or later, Seth and Charlie will be on our doorstep."
"Well," I said grinning, "if you can get Blossom and her Powerpuff Girls to give me some alone time with Bella, I'd feel better about going."
Carlisle gave me a quizzical look.
"I knew you watched that show!" Emmett said, walking into the room. "You always denied it, but I knew. Good call on the girls." Emmett was taunting them at the window. The girls were yelling back at him, and Rosalie was standing with her hands on her hips looking slightly pissed off with him. "Buttercup always was my fave." He turned around, sticking his backside to the window and continued to goad them. "So, what do you say, Carlisle? Will you talk to Esme so Edward can get his freak on, finally?"
Carlisle cleared his throat and looked down at the book on his desk. "I'll speak to them."
"So, what do you want us to do, Eddie? Want us to leave the house? Where's it going to happen? Pressure's on." He winked. "Want some pointers?"
"Emmett, that's enough," Carlisle said.
I wasn't angry. There was a time when I would have tackled him to the ground, but he was just making an ass of himself and I actually laughed.
"I think I'm good."
"Got it all planned out? Talk to me, virgin boy, what's the plan?"
"Emmett, you're the last person on this earth I'd ever discuss the status of my virginity with."
"I'm crushed."
"Hardly."
"Can you boys take this conversation somewhere else, please? Or change the subject," Carlisle said.
"Alright, fine. I'm leaving. I'm going to go see what Buttercup's up to. All those suds are turning me on." Emmett clapped me on the back and locked eyes with me. I'm impressed. You would have put me through a wall if I'd made comments like that once upon a time. He smiled. She's lucky to have you, Edward, he added as he left the room.
I went up to my room, the first time I'd been alone in there since we'd been back. Bella had spent some time up here. She needed some space at times and we all gave it to her. I wasn't sure what she did in here, but there were little things I'd noticed she'd moved, a book, or a CD, or anything else that seemed to hold some meaning for her. I sunk into the couch, resting my head back to stare up at the ceiling. I used to sit up here for hours in this exact same position listening to music at all hours of the night. I hadn't listened to music in awhile. We hardly ran the generator, and turning it on for my stereo was a complete waste. I thought of my piano for the first time since Esme had Emmett move it into the house. I could play. Or could I? I lifted my hands, stretching my fingers out on the imaginary keys. It was instinct that moved my fingers. I could hear the notes, and the melody played in my head as I hit every imaginary note with perfect precision.
"Esme said you haven't played."
I kept my eyes closed, with my head resting against the back of the couch. Slowly dropping my hands, I answered her with a sigh, "No."
I thought of one of her last journal entries. She had desperately tried to hang on to the melody, while all these years I had tried to forget it. There was a long silence between us until I thought she might have gone. I sat up, to find her leaning against the doorjamb, her fingers were playing with her bottom lip. Her eyes narrowed as she lowered her hand and bit her lip pensively. She was watching me like I was her prey. She pushed away from the door and held her hand out.
"Come for a walk with me?"
2008 -:- Bella's Journal
Garrett's with me now. A consolation prize for what happened. I wonder how long he'll be able to stay. It's hard to hope for anything in this place. Just when I think I can bear it, everything gets ripped away from me. It seems to be a theme in my life. I was wrong to say I needed to let you go, because then I have nothing but this broken heart from you. I'm going to hold on to you even if you never held on to me. I miss everything about you. I miss hearing you play the piano. I panicked the day I realized I couldn't remember what it sounded like, I only remember how I felt watching you play. The melody is gone. I just want to hear it one last time, and this time I'll never forget it again.
I've spent what feels like a lifetime with Garrett, and only moments with you, but he's not you. I keep wondering if what I felt when I was with you was real. Maybe I'm believing in something that was never really there. I think Garrett was right though, something did break inside of me when I was changed. It's like my heart turned to stone, solidifying everything about you inside of it.
I'm back to counting sunrises. It's been forty-one. I'm learning again. I don't have much of a choice in it, but Garrett's here to push me every day. He's been keeping watch over me, and it's him who's helping me get where I need to be. I look at my skin and I'm reminded of Jasper. I'm covered in scars, not to mention my leg that seems to be missing a nice piece of flesh. I'm hideous. So much for hoping to be a beautiful vampire like the women in your family. Hope. There's that ridiculous word again. There's no hope here, and we'll do better to not dwell on it, Garrett says.
He makes it easier. He makes me smile which is almost impossible in this place, but it's true. I have to love him, Edward. It's all I have.
.
I've made some progress today. It seems I haven't lost what I have. Emilia can turn her power on and off just like I can. So, I'm back to training and Garrett's pushing me to get stronger. We were having an argument, and I have to say, he was pissing me off. He wasn't in the right frame of mind, and I stopped him. I did it. It was the same as what I'd done up in the courtyard. It was odd. With this power, it's usually just a protective shell around me, and I can still move and anyone outside of it can move. But this time it held Garrett up against the wall. It was brief, but it happened. We've not been this excited in a long time.
.
I finally saw Emilia again. I didn't recognize her at first. I thought Maria had turned another child. She was dressed in a pristine pink dress and her hair was washed, shiny and blonde with little ringlets trailing down her back. Even despite her angelic appearance, her eyes still hold something far darker than anything I've experienced. She's Maria's most prized possession, and she treats her like a royal princess. I've not had to spend any time in her presence, thankfully, just the threat of her presence is enough to keep me in line. Maria still has plans for me, and it's the only thing keeping me and Garrett alive at the moment. Emilia is her windfall, she knows full well Garrett and I would run at the first chance.
Maria has informed us that our attendance is required for something big tomorrow, which of course means something brutal and bloody, I'm sure.
.
I was right. Brutal and bloody. Maria always seems to be one step ahead of us. She has eyes and ears everywhere. Neither Garrett nor I told Maria what I'd achieved the other day. We wanted to keep it our secret, but somehow she knew.
We had to accompany her and Emilia for the afternoon and we were taken to the one place I'd been hoping to avoid. The pits. I wish I was making all of this up. Like I said before, it's one absurd, elaborate novel and none of this makes sense. I don't know how long she's been building these tunnels and chambers, but this was an underground dwelling that surpassed anything I could've imagined. It was huge, and seemed to go on forever. In the center of it were these columns made from rock, almost making it look like it had four corners. Maria told us her intention was to enclose it so it was some kind of cage, but she hadn't found the right material for it yet. It finally clicked for me. She was creating an arena. There were handfuls of vampires below, and they almost seemed lost in the vastness of it all. I'd never seen them before, but it didn't look like they were strangers to this place, almost as though they'd been down here for years.
Maria yelled out something to a couple of them and they immediately pushed aside a rock that was covering the entrance to another tunnel. It was filled with humans, and they dragged them out one by one. All shapes, sizes, race and creed.
"Meet the new recruits," Maria said smiling at me. "See anyone you like? They're the new prospects."
"But they're human."
"For now."
"Maria you can't—"
"What did we say about that word?" Maria snapped, glaring at me.
"What are you going to do?" I asked.
"Emilia was getting bored, weren't you, sweetheart?" She stroked the child's head. "We're going to have a little fun." The vampires pushed all of the humans to the center of the rock formations. "Each of you has expressed an interest in becoming like us," she yelled out so the humans could hear her. "But that comes with a price. Only the ones truly worthy of this honor will be granted immortality. You must prove yourselves, my little humans. I only take the strongest, the most cunning…the best." Her voice rang through the cavern and it reverberated up my spine causing me to shiver. "To the death!" she yelled raising her arms as though she was some kind of dictator.
My mouth dropped in revulsion as her words sunk in. I started to move, but Garrett grabbed me by the arm holding me in place.
"Don't. There's nothing you can do to save them," he said. All I could do was look at him, begging him to help me stop this insanity. He held firm to my arm, but wouldn't look at me.
A few seconds passed, the humans were just as shocked as I was. They stood still, wondering if what they'd heard was correct. A man, who was almost a foot taller than the rest, was the first to move. His fist connected with the man next to him, and chaos followed. There were screams and shouts and people started running. The vampires positioned themselves around the ring and were there to make sure no one escaped. They pushed them back, smiling and laughing at the humans' desperate pleas to let them through. 'The horror,' was the only thought repeating in my head. Desperate men do desperate things. I couldn't watch, I couldn't listen, I placed my hands over my ears trying to block out the sounds. Emilia stood beside me and continued to watch with a child's curiosity, like she was watching a performance. She was smiling and clapping.
I pressed my palms harder to my ears and had to bend down to keep myself from watching. I felt Garrett's hands on my back, trying to soothe me, but it was no use. The fire was back, burning brightly in the depths of my stomach. It spread, rising along my spine until it reached the tips of my fingers and the tips of my toes.
"Enough!" I yelled, straightening up. The fire pushed out and I felt it leave my body, traveling down toward the madness. The vampires were thrown up against the walls of the cavern, being held against their will. The humans stopped, confused by what they were seeing and the room was silent.
"You think I didn't know?" Maria said laughing. "You think I don't know what happens down here? I know everything. If you weren't going to show me this new development, I'd find a way to make you."
This display was all for me. My heart sank and the vampires dropped to the ground.
"You can't hide anything from me," she said with a snarl on her face. "You have nothing unless I give it to you."
"Please, don't do this," I said, sweeping my arm in the direction of the humans. "No one deserves to die like that."
"You still think of them as equals," she mused. "They are nothing more than cattle. Look at them! Pathetic. You think they're so righteous? That they deserve better than this? They turned on each other within seconds. They are weak!" she yelled at them and then turned back to me. "I see how you look at me. You think I'm evil, don't you? That I have no soul? Darling, Phoenix…there's no such thing as a soul. We come from them." She pointed to the humans, bloodied and beaten below us. "Does it look like any of them have a soul? We are connected to man, and the true nature of man has a darkness in him that is far greater than anything we could ever do. It wasn't our kind who destroyed the world. They gave it up, they didn't want it anymore, and so I'll gladly take it."
"You're sick," I spat out. "You're wrong."
"Then tell me, what have you seen in this godforsaken world that would tell me otherwise?"
I wanted to scream and lash out at her, tell her I'd seen many things to contradict her; I was ready to spill it all. How vampires could co-exist in a human world, how they did have souls, but I felt Garrett's hand gently touch my arm, warning me to stop. No matter what I'd say, it would never be enough. She had gone beyond all reasoning, she truly had gone mad. She was the darkness and I had to stay within the light.
"We all have a potential for evil," she said so callously, "it's just a matter of defining what evil is."
Maria didn't make us stay to watch. She warned me that some of the survivors would be my new opponents, but I couldn't even process what she had said.
.
I am defeated. There's nothing left. She is always ahead of us, no matter what we try to do. I'm terrified she'll find this journal, but I can't let it go, because that would mean letting you go. You're my light in all this darkness, but I'm slowly sinking. I'm suffocating down here, which is ironic now that my lungs don't need the air. It's getting harder with every sunrise not to give in to her, and I'm afraid one day I'll see the sky through that hole up above and I won't care anymore. I'm afraid that if I do make it out of here, I won't be whole, that a part of me will be lost down here forever. I keep searching for your melody to remind myself that I will never be like her, but maybe none of that was real.
.
I HAD BEEN THINKING about that journal entry for the duration of our walk. The last entries had been the hardest to read. She had all but given up hope and just knowing she was going through that while I was living and breathing the air that she so desperately longed for was difficult to take. She tried to reassure me she'd written those entries a long time ago and things had been different for some time, but I couldn't help wonder how different it really had been. There were only a few entries after that one, and years had passed since she picked it up again. Garrett had been instrumental in her survival and I tried hard not to think about it. It wouldn't do any of us any good to dwell on that. A lot had happened.
I think I knew where she wanted to go even though she hadn't said as much, and the idea of why we were going there had my head spinning. We hadn't spoken; we only walked hand in hand, seeking out our destination in silence. We could have run, but instead we chose to take our time. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was setting, hiding behind the clouds. Bella had only been here a few times, and I doubted she remembered the way. Nothing was recognizable, apart from the small stream we followed alongside of for a while. It was late October, and what little leaves were left on the young trees seemed to wave at us from their branches. The only sound was the crunching of the deadfall below our feet, even the wind had stilled for us. The air was clear and crisp like I always associated it with this time of year. It was warmer though, warmer than it should have been and nothing was as it seemed. I knew this place like I knew my own hands, or how I knew the heartbeat that was once Bella's. This place was ingrained in me even if it did seem foreign right now. As we walked closer, I could feel her apprehension, and her grip on my hand tightened. The meadow as we both remembered it wasn't going to exist. I hoped she wouldn't be too disappointed.
We pushed through the last of the brush and stood at the edge looking out at the clearing where in the fading light, it seemed to almost glow. I thought it was my eyes playing tricks, but the meadow was there … alive. Scattered across the field were light purple flowers mixed with shades of green and brown.
"Wh-what?" Bella looked at me, confused by the wildflowers.
I looked at the meadow with equal astonishment. I had to think for a moment before I could muster up something to say. Overwhelmed, my voice finally connected with my head. "They're a type of Aster. Usually they only bloom 'til September, but …"
"How is it possible?"
Truthfully, I didn't know. But maybe it was real, what we had. Even if it was only a few short months we spent together, it wasn't something that we had glorified in our heads. It wasn't our imaginations holding on to something in our memories. I took her in my arms, understanding exactly what this meant.
"I believe it now," I said, and bent down to place my mouth on hers.
"It was all real," she whispered against my lips. I held her in my arms for some time, the two of us kissing every so often. We'd stop and look at our surroundings and then we'd come back to more kissing and relishing in the feel of each other until it wasn't enough. I wanted her with a fierceness that physically hurt.
The emotion rushed through me and the calmness of the moment before was gone, an urgency existed between us now. Making no attempt to suppress the feeling, I tore at my clothes and then helped her with hers. I pulled at her shirt, ripping the collar in a desperate attempt to lift it over her head. Once she was free of it, my eyes shifted over her taking her in. I took a step back to really see her for the first time. My eyes started at her toes, and hungrily roamed upward, but stopped at the back of her calf. I bent down and gingerly caressed the spot where she'd been attacked. She let out a deep sigh as I placed my lips across her skin. My fingers trailed over the mangled flesh and that's when I saw all of the other bites. Her body was covered with them and all I wanted to do was touch every one of them. She'd expressed in her journal how she hoped she would have been beautiful and her disappointment that she wasn't. But she was beautiful, every bit of her. The scars were who she was, strong, independent and she was a survivor. Bella had always been those things, even as a human.
"You're beautiful," I whispered against her thigh, and I felt her tremble underneath my fingers. I trailed my cheek along her skin, and across her belly while I slowly stood up. My nose came to the bottom of her breasts and my eyes rested on a long leather necklace that hung between them. A light, grey, roughed-edged stone rested on her breastbone. I wouldn't have paid it much attention, but something about the way she moved to protect it from me made me forget everything else. I hesitated, my hand hovering over it for a second having never seen it or felt it under her clothes before.
"What is this?"
She grasped it between her fingers and put it to her lips. "Esme gave it to me."
My hands were slightly shaking as I reached for it, holding it between my own fingers to get a better look. "Wh-what is this from?" My stomach sank, already knowing where it had come from.
"She told me," she said, covering her hands over mine, and kissing my knuckles. "She told me about Chicago, the part you chose to leave out."
My heart was fighting a battle between shame and sadness. I had never intended Bella to hear that story and she must have known from my expression. She went on to explain Esme's intentions behind it. How Esme and Carlisle had taken a piece of my wall with them the day we left Chicago. They'd kept it from me all this time. It was private, a reminder of what I'd lost and what the two of them had almost given up. That wall forced them to realize their love was the only thing safe and constant in this new world. They'd taken that piece so they'd never forget again.
I wasn't sure what I was feeling and for a split second I'd wished Jasper was here to tell me what it was. The only way I could describe it was tremendous peace. I'd written Bella's death on that wall and I'd never forgiven myself for it.
She raised her hands, settling them on my chest, soothing me. "Edward, it's all right. I know." Her hands lifted my head and she kissed me softly again and again. The weight of the world I'd carried all these years that seemed to blacken my soul, had finally lifted. I hadn't been aware it was still here after all this time. I thought it had left back in the cabin when I first laid eyes on Bella, but I was wrong. It was now I was finally free.
I felt her skin against mine and I was brought back to the reality of where we were and what we were about to do. I dropped the necklace and stared at it for a moment. It was all a dream, at least it felt like one even though that piece of stone told me it wasn't. She was here. She loved me. I had been waiting for someone to love me all of my life, but Bella wasn't anyone. She was the reason I still existed. I'd been waiting for her, and nothing anyone could have told me would have prepared me for this moment. After a hundred odd years, I thought I would be ready, but no one told me about the trembling hands I'd have or the aching inside when I glanced upon her body. She was a mirage of sorts, seeming to shimmer in the fading light and I had to hold on to her to make sure she was real. I lifted my hands to her face and we both smiled as they quivered against her cheeks. I was terrified, because for once, I wasn't in control. She was perfect in every possible way … perfect for me, and I was at her mercy.
"I love you," she whispered between each kiss that graced my skin. She gripped my arms, and I marveled at her boldness as she pulled me down into the grass. She lay naked below me, her skin damp from the grass and sparkling in the setting sun that was peeking from behind the clouds. Her eyes were warm and trusting and for an instant I saw only brown, not the unfamiliar red that gazed back when I looked at her. This was the image I would recall for the rest of my days. This exact feeling would happen only once and I wanted to relish in this memory. I shut my eyes, breathing her in so I would remember this for as long as we both lived.
"Please … love me," she said, her words speaking volumes. And I was loving her, my lips moving over hers, smelling the sweetness of her breath and my hands were urgent once again, trying to gather her up all at once. "No more waiting," she said, placing her hand down to guide me into her, and then I was there, inside. Our eyes met and I knew I would have waited a thousand more lifetimes for this moment.
"Are you okay?" she whispered. I paused, unsure if I really was. She shifted slightly under me and I was brought back to the present. All the aches and pains and weariness of my heart were gone, and this was real. She rose up, pressing her hands into my lower back, urging me closer, prompting me to move. It was slow at first, and then grew with an intensity neither one of us were surprised by. When she cried out, her body arched beneath me, it wasn't long before I followed. A blinding white light passed over me, like a wave of pure rapture. We were quiet once more. We lay perfectly silent, perfectly still. It was unlike anything I could have imagined or could have been prepared for, and now that I'd experienced it, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to leave this spot. I would never have this again, at least not like this, not this first time. Here, we were one. With her in my arms, my body covering hers, love was alive in this meadow.